Reginald the Vampire (2022) s02e09 Episode Script
The Final Countdown
1
Previously on "Reginald the Vampire"
You have 30 days.
When the bell tolls midnight
on that day, I will return.
Where are we?
This is the place where you will die.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
- She belongs to me.
- No!
- She could still be alive.
- She's dead.
Abraham! Balestro was your father.
Find Altus.
Find Claire and bring her to us.
- Claire is the key.
- It's time for us to go.
Will I find whatever
passes for the Almighty
on the other side?
Because I am genuinely
curious about that.
Please exit through the gift shop.
[SARAH EXHALES DEEPLY]
[SOFT SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
♪
No.
Not today.
Maybe later?
Maybe not.
♪
Well, let's see what we can see.
♪
Definitely gotta stop talking to myself.
♪
This is it. The final countdown.
The end of our endless days.
Our last night on Earth.
[CROW CAWING]
Anybody else getting first circle
of hell vibes from this place?
Just me?
Look, guys, are we really gonna go
with the no-plan plan on this one?
Well, ignoring the fact that
all our previous plans ended
with a metaphorical pie in the face,
anything we come up with now
is pointless because
Balestro can read our minds.
And any plans that might be in 'em.
Yeah, I got that part, but
we didn't just come here
to lay down our lives, did we?
Of course not.
Reginald's gonna talk Balestro to death.
Not talk. Reason.
After all, the Socratic method
is humankind's greatest weapon.
My greatest weapon is a samurai sword.
And barring reason,
I'm hoping that there's a
loophole that'll save us.
So no plan.
- Got it.
- Can't you just, I don't know,
glamour Balestro to go away?
I'd love to, but he's an angel,
so it definitely won't work.
[TENSE SOMBER MUSIC]
♪
Okay, this no-plan
bullshit is not gonna fly.
- Preaching to the choir.
- We need to be ready
to take matters into our own hands.
Or maybe we just let go.
No, somebody I know said that.
- I'm pretty sure it was you.
- Okay.
Processing my feelings
can be complicated.
You put a stake to your own heart.
It made me feel like I was in control.
- What changed?
- I don't know.
Setting aside the stake,
I realized I wasn't done laughing.
Or fucking.
And Balestro wants to try
and take that away from me?
I'm gonna have to say no thank you
and get your celestial
ass back to heaven.
I hope they find Claire soon.
They will.
But are you sure it's a
good idea to bring her here?
I mean, Abraham said Claire is the key.
If there's ever a time to open a door,
tonight's the night.
- What if she's not happy to see me?
- Wait, what?
Sure, she's my ward,
my protégé, my girl.
This your first time seeing Claire
since she's moved in with Altus, right?
And
I left my cutest
throwing knives at home.
[CHUCKLES] Okay.
- Bright side?
- Mm-hmm.
Maybe Ashley won't find Claire
and we all die a horrible
death at the hands of Balestro
before she sees you
without your cute knives.
You're just saying that to cheer me up.
100% true. We're not trying to die.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Yoo-hoo! Reginald, darling.
You look absolutely wonderful.
You must tell me your skin routine.
What are you two doing here?
We would have been here sooner
if someone hadn't decided
they knew a shortcut.
The shortest distance is
always a straight line.
A straight line over uneven terrain
is not a straight line!
What are you guys talking about?
We felt this pull in our minds.
More a summons, really.
A distinction without a difference.
You mean the Angel GPS?
Yes. You see, we thought to ourselves,
"Who else must feel this Angel GPS?"
Our good friend Reginald.
So you two are here for me?
Do you have any way to help us?
Like you figured out Claire's door?
Another way to defeat Balestro,
like an unlikely-yet-decisive solution
to our problems, or what?
We came to grovel.
[SOBS] Please! Please save us! Please.
- [WHIMPERING]
- Include us in whatever
brilliant plan you have concocted
in order to survive this night.
God, you know, guys,
we're not really, like
You idiots.
You're barking up the wrong damn tree.
I-I don't understand.
Allow me to explain.
[OMINOUS MUSIC]
Reginald has no plan.
He wishes he did, but he doesn't,
which means one thing
and one thing only.
You're doomed.
♪
That about right?
It's like you read my
mind. [CHUCKLES WEAKLY]
Vampires around the world
are gathering tonight
in forests, on beaches,
on hilltops, in cities, and on the sea.
Vampire sailors?
Billionaires and their yachts.
- Oh.
- Explains a lot.
May I continue?
Do we have a choice?
Tonight I will not
wield a flaming sword,
but instead, a great heavenly fire,
a cleansing fire that will
sweep across this Earth
and kill every undead
monster in its path.
♪
- Shall we begin?
- Over my dead body.
That is the idea.
- We'll see about that.
- Hey, Maurice, what
- what are you guys doing?
- He's not going down without a fight.
- And neither am I.
- Whoa. [LAUGHS AWKWARDLY]
Whoa, whoa. Okay, wait. Wait.
This is really cool, what
we're all trying to do here.
But, okay, this guy is
Jackie Chan, all right?
We're the extras getting hit
in the face with the ladder.
I suppose you have a better idea.
Well, that's what
we're hoping for, right?
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
Reginald has a better idea.
The 30-day thing, that
was a threat, sure.
But it was also a promise.
And by my calculations,
we're on day 29, hour 21, and minute 32.
- Check the watch.
- Very well.
I do not wish to break a promise.
What do you propose we do
with your remaining time,
such as it is?
You once asked me to make
a case for the vampire-kind.
Let me try again.
Give me my day in court.
[CHUCKLES]
Adorable.
It almost sounds like
a prayer.
[TENSE MUSIC]
- [FINGER SNAPS LOUDLY]
- [GASPS]
[OMINOUS MUSIC FADING]
What is this? Where are we?
You wanted your day in
court. You shall have it.
I am nothing if not a willing judge.
I really hope you
know what you're doing.
You do know what you're
doing, right, Reginald?
I mean, I wasn't expecting
a second location,
but I have seen all of
"Law & Order," twice.
- Oh, my God.
- So I can work with this.
[SIGHS]
[REGINALD CLEARS THROAT]
You asked me to make the
case for vampire-kind.
I asked you to give me my day in court.
So let's start with the basics.
Like, um, why we're all here.
We're here because vampire-kind
has failed to evolve.
Allegedly.
He's actually winging it.
It is a charge as severe
as it is significant,
but it begs the obvious question,
what is evolution?
Mm, excellent question.
Masterful performance.
Evolution, I submit, if
it so pleases the court,
exhibit to the A
Let me guess.
- You.
- Me.
[REGINALD SIGHS]
I can do something no other vampire can.
I can glamour other vampires.
And that's not all.
Check out the horsepower on this baby.
I admit, your mind is impressive.
A mind unlike any other.
A skill no vampire seems to possess.
Am I not the living
okay, undead embodiment of evolution?
- Yes, he is.
- Well said!
- We rest our case!
- Order!
- [STAFF BANGS LOUDLY]
- There will be order in these chambers.
Counselor and I can't
believe we're doing this,
but it was my idea
do you rest your case?
Hell no.
I am just getting started.
I would like to call to the stand
the vampire deacon of the Americas,
Maurice Miller.
Mr. Miller, in your humble opinion,
how does the typical
vampire spend their evening?
On a typical night, vampires hunt.
And yet, is it not true
that you spend your hours
patrolling the streets
from sunset to sunrise,
helping those in need?
It's true. What I do.
Your Honor, I'd like
to submit exhibit B,
the parable of the Good Samaritan,
Luke 10:25, from the Bible,
as a point of relevant comparison.
Exhibit B is admitted into evidence,
not that I see a point
to these theatrics.
The point is this.
Maurice is a vampire deacon,
a leader who chooses to spend his nights
protecting those he
was created to feed on.
Is that not change?
Is that not growth?
Is that not evolution?
It is
noteworthy.
But all you've done is
prove Maurice's worth,
not the worth of your kind.
The exception is not the rule.
I would like to call to
the stand my next witness
Nikki.
- Hi.
- Nikki.
- Mm-hmm?
- Is it not true
that you are a retired assassin
who has fallen in love with a human,
the very same that we
are accused of exploiting?
You bet I am.
Are you not also the assassin who,
after two promising retirement,
murdered my brother, the angel, Raphael?
[BOTH GRUNTING]
I plead the fifth.
And respectfully decline
to answer your question
on the grounds that
it may incriminate me.
Next witness!
- [SOFTLY] Shit.
- [CHUCKLES UNCOMFORTABLY]
Whatever you're about to say
about Angela is null and void,
'cause at this very moment,
she is thinking of ways to kill me.
Uh [SIGHS]
- Guilty.
- Next witness.
Penelope and my
second-favorite LeBron James,
who are selfish,
power-hungry sycophants.
Yes. We are.
But they're they're here.
Absolutely correct and truthful.
Bravo, Reginald.
A month ago, these two
wouldn't have bothered
to show up anywhere
that didn't involve a
blood-soaked amuse-bouche.
So that's progress.
Relatively speaking.
A bar so low, a cockroach
couldn't walk under it.
But I'm feeling particularly
magnanimous today, so
why not?
- Let's chalk them up in your favor.
- [REGINALD CHUCKLES]
- We helped!
- Mm!
With Maurice and yourself,
that's four vampires to the good
and hundreds of thousands
of vampires to the bad,
counting all the vampires in the world.
Then give us more time.
30 days isn't enough.
It's barely enough
time for immortal beings
to make the decision to change.
Vampires were given
far more than 30 days.
You've had tens of thousands of years.
Not only are you depraved,
indiscriminate killers,
you revel in it.
Or shall I call on my witnesses?
[OMINOUS MUSIC]
You're so full of shit.
Excuse me?
You sit there
and you act like having wings
gives you the moral high ground?
How would you do if
we put angels on trial?
Take your best shot.
Mike Choi deserved
better than what he got.
- [HANDS SIZZLING]
- Aah!
The angel Uriel cut open his own flesh
so that his blood would burn Mike alive.
And you call us killers.
It looks like we're in good company.
A rather one-sided
portrait of your friend,
don't you think?
And then there's Nikki,
who you accuse of
murdering the angel Raphael.
- But who hired her?
- [BLADE SCRAPES AGAINST SCABBARD]
Who gave her the sword to kill an angel?
Nikki might have held the blade,
but she was merely a
weapon wielded by Uriel.
You've made your point.
But Uriel is flawed,
an unfit representative
of the celestial.
Exactly right, and I wouldn't expect you
to pass judgment on the many
for the actions of the few,
whether angel or vampire.
Inspiring fairy tales
about Reginald, about Nikki,
about you
that hardly constitutes the many.
Can you honestly be so sure about that?
How far have you traveled?
How many of our kind have you met?
How many damn minds have you read?
[ENERGETIC TENSE MUSIC]
- Exactly.
- Very well.
I will consider your argument.
A short recess is in order.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
[SLAMS HANDS ON TABLE] That's
my motherfucking deacon!
Yes! [APPLAUSE]
- Good job, Maurice.
- Whoo!
♪
Sarah?
Mike. [GASPS]
[GENTLE DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
[BOTH SIGH]
Oh, God. I'm so sorry.
- For what?
- You're here.
[MIKE SIGHS]
The docent called it heaven,
but since when is heaven
a weird art gallery?
Where are my harps and pearly gates?
I would have settled for the
River Styx and a ferryman.
But a gift shop? How cynical is that?
Right? [CHUCKLES]
Oh, it's good to see you.
How is
- Todd?
- Not great.
He misses you so much.
♪
But, uh, can we talk about
how much I love this look?
[CHUCKLES] Well, this
was me in my band days.
- Oh.
- It's when I was at my happiest.
I think the afterlife is trying
to make us comfortable
enough to cross over?
Cross over to what?
A grand reward?
The next life? A final judgment?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Well, whatever it is will have to wait
because I'm pretty sure today's the day
that Balestro's countdown runs out.
I think you're right.
Uh, I can't be sure, but
from what I've gathered,
I think there's still
time left on the clock.
Well, then we need to use
that time to help our friends.
Sarah, helping our
friends is not an option.
- We're dead.
- But you have information, don't you?
I mean, how else would you
know how much time is left?
It's not like there's
any clocks around here.
I found a way to get information.
- Nothing more.
- Show me.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
Okay.
♪
You may be seated.
After much contemplation, I
have come to the conclusion
that your argument has merit,
but ultimately, angels are
not the ones on trial here.
Your testimony is
therefore inadmissible.
- What?
- Is this what you call justice?
This is what I call bullshit!
- You're being unreasonable.
- Maurice's speech was so good!
- Unfair
- Silence!
Angels may have the capacity for sin,
but no comparison could ever
lessen the stain of the vampire.
You are guilty.
You are all guilty,
and now, you will face my judgment.
Whoo!
Who dares interrupt these proceedings?
I do love a good courtroom drama.
[LAUGHS]
Hey, Dad.
Long time, no see.
My son.
You've returned to me.
And I left a damn good party to be here.
So why don't we skip to the part
where you just tell me what you want?
Even after all these years,
clinging to old resentments.
There you go again.
Bringing up the past.
Like you always do.
But might I make a suggestion?
All I want is what's best for you.
All you want is what you want.
You hid from every responsibility!
[TENSE MUSIC]
- Whoa!
- Well, I'm not hiding anymore!
How dare you bear your blade to me.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Okay.
Uh, before we get
to the supercool stabbing and cleaving,
how about we try a little,
uh, reflective listening?
Is that a form of combat?
Well, it's actually a
form of conflict mediation.
All right. Look, look.
Instead of "How dare you
bear your blade to me,"
why not say, "I feel sad when
you bear your blade to me"?
Hmm?
[SIGHS] All right.
How 'bout as a first baby step,
we put away the flaming weaponry?
Abe, come on.
Balestro, be the adult in the room.
[SOFT SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
♪
[SIGHING] Thank you.
Now Balestro, would you mind
transporting us somewhere
that's more conducive
to family mediation?
[REGINALD CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
Wow, oh, this is exactly
what I was thinking.
You really can read my mind.
This is where you get your news?
It's just another empty gallery.
[SCOFFS SOFTLY] It's
only empty till needed.
Needed for?
Watch.
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
Well, how about that?
It's me.
- Hello.
- Hi.
I don't know you. Should I?
Oh, no matter.
Welcome to my dream.
I'm Trevor, by the way.
- Trevor
- This is not a dream.
Oh?
Oh.
I remember.
[SOMBER MUSIC]
The last thing I heard was
the sound of my own flatline.
Oh, gosh.
I'm dead, aren't I?
Yes, you are.
♪
I should feel sad.
Why don't I feel sad?
I think it has something to do
with discovering that
death is not the end.
Trevor, before you departed,
did anything catastrophic happen,
like a mass vanishing?
Or what about
people spontaneously
combusting all over the world?
Wow, not that I know of.
Seems like I'd noticed
something like that.
I was an avid consumer of the news.
I lived alone,
afraid to show the world the real me.
I'm gonna take a look
around if you don't mind.
It was a pleasure to
make your acquaintance.
I think I'm gonna like it here.
Would you look at that? I'm pretty.
Someone dies
and an empty gallery
populates with their photo.
That's how you get your information,
from the new arrivals.
Smart.
Until they exit through the gift shop.
It's not much, but
it's also why I believe
there's still time on Balestro's clock.
There's nothing that we can do to help?
No.
Whatever our friends are going through,
they're on their own.
Please exit through the gift shop.
Okay.
Let's start with you.
Tell us what's going on.
But phrase it with
the words "I feel "
I feel
betrayed.
Okay.
Why do you feel betrayed?
Because despite my great gifts,
my son chooses to waste
his angelic potential.
Ooh-kay. Digging deep. Very good.
Abraham, how do you respond?
If exterminating the entire vampire race
is what you call "angelic
potential," then
[LAUGHS AWKWARDLY]
Phrase it with the words "I feel "
Then I feel that I want no
part of the family business.
- Balestro?
- I feel frustration at a son
who thinks this is
merely about vampires.
I feel suspicious about your motives.
I feel hurt by your suspicions.
I feel doubt about your pain.
Okay. [CHUCKLES] Let's slow down.
And what about my love?
Do you doubt that too?
What could you possibly know about love?
You're so drunk with vengeance,
drunk with the power to extract it.
There's no love in you. Only hate.
Abraham.
Whatever conflict divides
us, you are still my son.
I made you.
I do not wish to see you unmade.
Please, let me save you.
I was trapped for 50 years
and I was waiting for you to save me.
[SOFT TENSE MUSIC]
But you never did, Dad.
You know who did?
[WHISPERS] My hero.
How do you think Reginald
came to my attention
in the first place?
♪
Okay.
Feeling the harsh glare of
the spotlight once again.
Oh, well, this was an unexpected turn.
And me, the sacrificial lamb.
Angela, what are you doing?
Stop the apocalypse,
let us live,
or Abraham dies.
Ruthless, reckless.
But putting your life on
the line for vampire-kind,
that is the stuff of heroism.
Counteroffer: I'm willing
to spare your life,
but everyone else dies.
- Deal.
- What?
[BALESTRO LAUGHS]
What a shining example you are.
I am not fucking ar
- What happened?
- He's doing the same thing he did to Maurice
at the council meeting.
He stopped her time.
[SOFT SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
♪
Aw, man.
I loved that pick.
♪
[ANGELA GASPS]
♪
I have seen nothing,
including Angela's bargain,
that convinces me that vampires
have the capacity for change.
I think you're wrong.
And I'm willing to stand
with them to prove it.
No
I'm proud to.
♪
You'll stand with vampires?
[SOFTLY] Yeah.
Then you'll die with them.
[DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING]
[REGINALD SHUDDERS]
- Here we go again.
- Maurice?
Celestial motherfucker.
Maurice, are you seeing this?
A deadly halo of blue flames.
Cool, cool. Just checking.
That is the flame that
will sweep across your Earth
until every vampire is
consumed by its holy fire.
You have ten seconds
to say your goodbyes.
Ten, nine
Reginald failed?
Eight, seven, six
- Ashley.
- Guys, I blew it.
I'm so sorry for letting you all down.
Five, four
Nothing you could do
would ever let me down.
Three, two
Wait! Stop everything!
I demand the stopping now.
- Claire! You're here.
- There she is.
Miss me? Well, I'm back.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
Reginald, what is it?
Claire is the key.
♪
You. You came.
You know her?
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]
That's why he trapped us in the Shack,
to keep us away from Claire.
You really are the key.
And I'm ready to open
whatever magical door
you found for me to open,
so let's do this thing.
- That's my girl.
- The thing is,
the door, it's still a work in progress.
Classic Reginald.
Always keeping us hanging
till the last second.
I don't think he's joking.
But we found Claire.
Actually, we found Altus.
Turns out when a foul-mouthed crone
attacks a teenage boy,
it makes the local news.
I didn't like how he
talked to my daughter.
All he said was hi.
Yes, but he said it with bedroom eyes.
Oh, my God.
All I'm saying is that one day,
you're going to start
having certain urges.
- Oh, my God!
- Hold on, hold on.
You're the child of a
human and an incubus.
- Yeah, don't remind me.
- Hmm.
Our little miracle.
When you said Claire was
the key, you meant that?
Now you getting it.
- Getting what? What's happening?
- In all of history,
you're only the second child to be born
of the union of a human and an incubus.
Ew, don't call it a union.
The first was Merlin of Caledonia!
Speak.
Um. Hello?
Reggie, look.
Maybe you could help fill
in a couple of blanks.
Okay, crash course on Merlin.
He was King Arthur's wizard.
He had the ability to summon lightning
and also occasionally shape-shift.
But most importantly, he
had the power of prophecy.
And that matters how now?
This has all been about
the evolution of vampires.
Balestro believes that we don't
have the capacity to change,
but he doesn't know that for sure.
He can't.
Speak.
Why does he keep saying that?
Because he wants you to
do the one thing he can't:
Look into the future.
- He wants me to what?
- Provide us with
a extremely well-timed vision
in which you see vampires in the future
that are evolved and
good and totally not dead.
Okay.
[SHEEPISHLY] Sure, I can do that.
- Speak.
- Don't rush me!
Okay.
Okay.
[EXHALES DEEPLY]
Okay.
Yup. There it is.
That's the future, all right.
And would you look at that?
Vampires are gonna be good, big-time.
Evolution coming right up.
What else?
Um
they'll start drinking lots of blood?
Don't they already drink lots of blood?
- No.
- Oh!
Drinking from bottles, except
not blood.
They'll invent
they'll they'll
invent a blood substitute.
- Yeah.
- This is deeply unconvincing,
yet I can't read your mind.
I couldn't read Merlin's mind either.
I guess that settles
it, then. [CHUCKLES]
- [CLEARS THROAT]
- Claire, your nose.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
- [WORDS ECHOING] War is coming.
- What is happening right now?
Vampire will turn against vampire.
Their blood will fill rivers.
In the battle for the
soul of the vampire nation,
a new beginning will
require great sacrifice.
Only one can save them.
But to save them,
Reginald Andres must die.
- Claire Bear!
- Whoa.
- Are you okay?
- You okay?
[NORMALLY] I'm okay. I'm okay.
What kind of new beginning do you see?
Sorry, I don't write the
songs, I just play them.
War? Blood-filled rivers?
I don't see how that could
possibly be a good thing.
Well, you can't, though.
That's the point, right?
But she can. And if for nothing else,
the fact that she sees a
future with us in it means
that we survive the night.
It means that you don't
wipe out vampire-kind.
- Right?
- In truth, by the sound of her prophecy,
you'll kill each other for me.
Maybe we will. Maybe we won't.
But that's tomorrow's problem.
[ETHEREAL SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
♪
[GASPS]
Holy shit, it worked.
- Looks like it.
- [LAUGHING] Claire, you saved us!
- Oh, my God!
- [CHEERS] Oh!
- It happened!
- Yes! Yes!
- Yeah, we made it!
- My man!
- Yes!
- [BOTH SIGH]
- Guys, oh, my God!
- I can't believe it.
- Thank you!
- All right, all right!
- [ALL CHEERING]
- Oh, my goodness!
♪
Everybody, listen up!
Given our unexpected reprieve,
thank you, Claire,
given the years we
got, and we got a lot,
let's get this party started!
- [TENSE MUSIC]
- Oh, man. Now what?
Welcome to the Slushy Shack.
- How may I help you?
- Very funny.
Take the smock off.
Wearing it is a privilege.
My son was right about you.
You are special.
Dude, know when to make an exit, okay?
Claire did the thing.
Your circle of holy fire went dark.
And I am done begging for my life.
Oh, but this isn't
when you beg, Reginald.
This is when you receive your gift.
Take my hand.
What kind of gift are
we talking about here?
- It's a surprise.
- I don't trust you.
Don't care. This is a gift you need.
[EERIE SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
♪
Can you maybe describe it in a sentence?
Call it power.
Call it an evolution.
But I can't do this
without your permission.
The decision has to be yours.
That's what Maurice said to
me right before he turned me.
- Mm, what'd you say to him?
- I said yes.
Say yes to me now.
- Why?
- Because according to that
impossible child's prophecy,
your troubles are only just beginning.
♪
- Started! Whoo!
- [LAUGHS]
♪
Reginald? What's wrong?
Uh, I'm I'm not sure.
You don't look too good.
Balestro left me a parting gift.
What kind?
[SIGHS SOFTLY]
I have no idea.
♪
Hello?
Hello?
Hello?
Oh, hell.
It's surreal, isn't it?
A day just like any other,
but a day I never
thought I'd get to see.
And I owe it all to
Reginald and that little kid.
[CHUCKLES] That little
kid turned out to be
way more special than I thought she was.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
Yeah.
That's the kind of special
we should keep an eye on,
don't you think?
[MAURICE SIGHS]
[DUCKS QUACKING]
[CHUCKLES]
We almost owed it all to you.
Taking Abraham hostage and
bargaining for our lives?
And you came this
close to saving the day.
And then you threw us all under
the bus to save your own skin.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Okay, I have never tried
to be the hero before.
- Takes practice.
- Oh, no judgment.
Look, if Balestro offered
to spare me and only me,
I-I would have taken that deal.
No, you wouldn't.
- I might have.
- Never.
You're too attached to justice,
too attached to your people.
And that's a fight you
will never stop fighting.
Maybe I fight harder for
some more than others.
And for some infuriating reason
that I will never understand,
survival has just never
been enough for you.
That's because there's a difference
between surviving and living.
And that's exactly the kind
of fortune cookie nonsense
I would expect you to say.
But maybe you're right, Maurice.
Maybe survival isn't enough.
[SOFT UPLIFTING MUSIC]
Maybe it's time I tried
something different,
considering I've tried
just about everything.
That's it, right?
The countdown came and went
and we haven't seen any vampires,
friendly or otherwise.
- I don't wanna jinx it, but
- It's over.
They survived Balestro.
I don't know how, but they did.
I bet Reginald had
something to do with it.
I bet he did.
[WIND BLOWING, CHIMES JINGLING]
So what do we do now?
Please exit through the gift shop.
Mike?
[SOFT CONTEMPLATIVE MUSIC]
I held on.
I stayed because I wanted to be here
in case our friends didn't survive,
but they did.
And now that I know they're okay
it's time, Sarah.
What? Mike, no.
We'll find another way.
Please, we can't just give up.
No.
You can't.
And you shouldn't either.
Your life was cut short. But mine?
I've lived countless lives
and cheated death every single time.
Like that sideshow in New Orleans.
Or the earthquake in San Francisco.
Before that, Osaka, Busan.
♪
Or the first time,
covered in my sister's blood,
hoping I'd be next,
when a stranger offered
me a chance at revenge.
♪
But being a vampire
meant I got to live more lives
than I ever thought possible.
I've had my time.
I'm ready for what comes next.
♪
You better get going
before I come up with
a real good reason for you to stay.
[MIKE LAUGHS]
♪
[MIKE SIGHS SOFTLY]
♪
That's different.
I don't get it.
Where's your white light?
Maybe walking into the
light is for humans.
Maybe vampires walk into the dark.
Or maybe this is just for me.
♪
You wanna hear something strange?
Feels like the time and place for it.
After all those lives, all those years,
I'm about to walk into
the darkest dark
and I can't get Todd off my mind.
Love is strange.
Yeah. It is.
♪
Goodbye, Sarah.
Goodbye, Mike.
♪
[MIKE SIGHS SOFTLY]
♪
[ETHEREAL THRUMMING]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[SOFT SENTIMENTAL MUSIC]
Sorry. Enjoy your slushy.
♪
How you doing, Reginald?
Okay.
- Don't look okay.
- I'm fine.
Claire saved the day.
I mean, you helped. More than helped.
I may have contributed
to our favorable outcome.
That's another way to put it.
But in the end, we're
right back in the Shack.
Three registers and, well,
there's only two of us now.
♪
"What's the Story, Morning Glory?"
[GROANS SOFTLY] Todd.
- It's a song.
- I know.
- By Oasis.
- I get it.
It's the game Sarah and I used to play.
"Hello."
[CHUCKLES] That's Adele.
[CHUCKLE-SIGHS] All right.
You name the artist
or the song, not both.
If you're gonna play the game,
you might as well play it right.
Oh, got it. Right.
What was I thinkin'?
"What's the Story, Morning Glory?"
Oasis.
Uh "9 to 5."
Oh, Dolly Parton. Solid choice.
"It's All About the Benjamins."
Okay. I see your Diddy.
Raise you "Mo Money Mo Problems."
Ooh, Biggie. Nice.
♪
"Everybody Hurts."
REM.
"I'll Be There for You."
Thanks, Todd. That
really means a lot to me.
No, I don't know what
you're talking about.
That's the theme song from "Friends."
[LAUGHS]
- The Rembrandts.
- Yeah.
Should we all get matching hats?
This is so dorky, but yes, I'm in.
[LAUGHTER]
Hey.
Claire, um, can we talk?
Oh, no. Did the car get towed again?
Um
- We'll get out of your hair.
- Oh, no, no, no. Please.
You should stay for this. Please.
And, uh, the car is fine.
At least I think it is.
No, um, this is about, um
well
you know I love you, right?
- Okay.
- Mm.
And I'm so proud of you
for standing up to Balestro,
and also a general
fatherly amount of pride,
also I love you.
You said that already.
- It's just
- You're an incubus.
You don't stay still or in one place
or even in one shape for very long.
You deserve stability, and
I can't give that to you.
Not like, um
Your room is still
made up if you want it.
It's true. Nikki changes
the sheets every day.
Just just in case.
♪
[ALTUS SIGHS]
I'm not gone forever,
just in constant motion.
And sometimes that motion
will bring me back here
to check on
[OMINOUS MUSIC]
- Your nose.
- Oh, no. Not again.
[GASPS] She's having a vision.
What do I do? What do I do?
That was weird, but it's okay.
I'm okay.
What what did you see?
We're gonna be really,
really happy together.
[GENTLE MUSIC]
We don't need the gift
of prophecy to know that.
We need to get the nose cleaned up.
The nice tissues are in the break room.
Oh, mm.
♪
We'll be right back.
♪
Goodbye, my girl.
♪
"War is coming," she said.
Vampire against vampire.
For the soul of the vampire nation.
Sort of burying the lede here.
But in order to save them
Reginald Andres must die?
That's me.
Not great. Could be better.
We finally sort out our
Balestro problem and now this.
You know, Merlin was big on metaphor.
Is it too much to hope this
is all not just, I don't know,
a figure of speech and
not a full-blown civil war
that ends in my untimely death?
Hope is free, Reggie.
Take as much as you want.
Bright side: Everyone
got their happy ending.
And Todd, he hasn't asked me to
turn him in at least 48 hours,
so that's progress, right?
What about you, Reggie?
What's your happy ending?
Well, you know how you said
we "sorted out" our angel problem?
Yeah.
That's not completely true.
Are you having those dreams again?
No, no. Balestro's gone for good.
I hope so.
I'm talking about another angel.
Uriel.
[SIGHS]
He's a problem.
Maurice, he killed Mike.
He killed Sarah.
I know that.
I can't let him get away with it.
All right. Noted. But look,
what exactly are we talking about here?
We're talking about my
happy ending, Maurice.
[SOFTLY] I'm gonna find Uriel.
I'm gonna make him suffer
for a very long time.
And then I'm gonna kill him.
I'm gonna kill him with my bare hands.
[BLACK RED GOLD'S "YOU ARE ALIVE"]
♪
You're alive ♪
Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪
Fire running through the dark ♪
Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪
♪
Previously on "Reginald the Vampire"
You have 30 days.
When the bell tolls midnight
on that day, I will return.
Where are we?
This is the place where you will die.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
- She belongs to me.
- No!
- She could still be alive.
- She's dead.
Abraham! Balestro was your father.
Find Altus.
Find Claire and bring her to us.
- Claire is the key.
- It's time for us to go.
Will I find whatever
passes for the Almighty
on the other side?
Because I am genuinely
curious about that.
Please exit through the gift shop.
[SARAH EXHALES DEEPLY]
[SOFT SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
♪
No.
Not today.
Maybe later?
Maybe not.
♪
Well, let's see what we can see.
♪
Definitely gotta stop talking to myself.
♪
This is it. The final countdown.
The end of our endless days.
Our last night on Earth.
[CROW CAWING]
Anybody else getting first circle
of hell vibes from this place?
Just me?
Look, guys, are we really gonna go
with the no-plan plan on this one?
Well, ignoring the fact that
all our previous plans ended
with a metaphorical pie in the face,
anything we come up with now
is pointless because
Balestro can read our minds.
And any plans that might be in 'em.
Yeah, I got that part, but
we didn't just come here
to lay down our lives, did we?
Of course not.
Reginald's gonna talk Balestro to death.
Not talk. Reason.
After all, the Socratic method
is humankind's greatest weapon.
My greatest weapon is a samurai sword.
And barring reason,
I'm hoping that there's a
loophole that'll save us.
So no plan.
- Got it.
- Can't you just, I don't know,
glamour Balestro to go away?
I'd love to, but he's an angel,
so it definitely won't work.
[TENSE SOMBER MUSIC]
♪
Okay, this no-plan
bullshit is not gonna fly.
- Preaching to the choir.
- We need to be ready
to take matters into our own hands.
Or maybe we just let go.
No, somebody I know said that.
- I'm pretty sure it was you.
- Okay.
Processing my feelings
can be complicated.
You put a stake to your own heart.
It made me feel like I was in control.
- What changed?
- I don't know.
Setting aside the stake,
I realized I wasn't done laughing.
Or fucking.
And Balestro wants to try
and take that away from me?
I'm gonna have to say no thank you
and get your celestial
ass back to heaven.
I hope they find Claire soon.
They will.
But are you sure it's a
good idea to bring her here?
I mean, Abraham said Claire is the key.
If there's ever a time to open a door,
tonight's the night.
- What if she's not happy to see me?
- Wait, what?
Sure, she's my ward,
my protégé, my girl.
This your first time seeing Claire
since she's moved in with Altus, right?
And
I left my cutest
throwing knives at home.
[CHUCKLES] Okay.
- Bright side?
- Mm-hmm.
Maybe Ashley won't find Claire
and we all die a horrible
death at the hands of Balestro
before she sees you
without your cute knives.
You're just saying that to cheer me up.
100% true. We're not trying to die.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Yoo-hoo! Reginald, darling.
You look absolutely wonderful.
You must tell me your skin routine.
What are you two doing here?
We would have been here sooner
if someone hadn't decided
they knew a shortcut.
The shortest distance is
always a straight line.
A straight line over uneven terrain
is not a straight line!
What are you guys talking about?
We felt this pull in our minds.
More a summons, really.
A distinction without a difference.
You mean the Angel GPS?
Yes. You see, we thought to ourselves,
"Who else must feel this Angel GPS?"
Our good friend Reginald.
So you two are here for me?
Do you have any way to help us?
Like you figured out Claire's door?
Another way to defeat Balestro,
like an unlikely-yet-decisive solution
to our problems, or what?
We came to grovel.
[SOBS] Please! Please save us! Please.
- [WHIMPERING]
- Include us in whatever
brilliant plan you have concocted
in order to survive this night.
God, you know, guys,
we're not really, like
You idiots.
You're barking up the wrong damn tree.
I-I don't understand.
Allow me to explain.
[OMINOUS MUSIC]
Reginald has no plan.
He wishes he did, but he doesn't,
which means one thing
and one thing only.
You're doomed.
♪
That about right?
It's like you read my
mind. [CHUCKLES WEAKLY]
Vampires around the world
are gathering tonight
in forests, on beaches,
on hilltops, in cities, and on the sea.
Vampire sailors?
Billionaires and their yachts.
- Oh.
- Explains a lot.
May I continue?
Do we have a choice?
Tonight I will not
wield a flaming sword,
but instead, a great heavenly fire,
a cleansing fire that will
sweep across this Earth
and kill every undead
monster in its path.
♪
- Shall we begin?
- Over my dead body.
That is the idea.
- We'll see about that.
- Hey, Maurice, what
- what are you guys doing?
- He's not going down without a fight.
- And neither am I.
- Whoa. [LAUGHS AWKWARDLY]
Whoa, whoa. Okay, wait. Wait.
This is really cool, what
we're all trying to do here.
But, okay, this guy is
Jackie Chan, all right?
We're the extras getting hit
in the face with the ladder.
I suppose you have a better idea.
Well, that's what
we're hoping for, right?
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
Reginald has a better idea.
The 30-day thing, that
was a threat, sure.
But it was also a promise.
And by my calculations,
we're on day 29, hour 21, and minute 32.
- Check the watch.
- Very well.
I do not wish to break a promise.
What do you propose we do
with your remaining time,
such as it is?
You once asked me to make
a case for the vampire-kind.
Let me try again.
Give me my day in court.
[CHUCKLES]
Adorable.
It almost sounds like
a prayer.
[TENSE MUSIC]
- [FINGER SNAPS LOUDLY]
- [GASPS]
[OMINOUS MUSIC FADING]
What is this? Where are we?
You wanted your day in
court. You shall have it.
I am nothing if not a willing judge.
I really hope you
know what you're doing.
You do know what you're
doing, right, Reginald?
I mean, I wasn't expecting
a second location,
but I have seen all of
"Law & Order," twice.
- Oh, my God.
- So I can work with this.
[SIGHS]
[REGINALD CLEARS THROAT]
You asked me to make the
case for vampire-kind.
I asked you to give me my day in court.
So let's start with the basics.
Like, um, why we're all here.
We're here because vampire-kind
has failed to evolve.
Allegedly.
He's actually winging it.
It is a charge as severe
as it is significant,
but it begs the obvious question,
what is evolution?
Mm, excellent question.
Masterful performance.
Evolution, I submit, if
it so pleases the court,
exhibit to the A
Let me guess.
- You.
- Me.
[REGINALD SIGHS]
I can do something no other vampire can.
I can glamour other vampires.
And that's not all.
Check out the horsepower on this baby.
I admit, your mind is impressive.
A mind unlike any other.
A skill no vampire seems to possess.
Am I not the living
okay, undead embodiment of evolution?
- Yes, he is.
- Well said!
- We rest our case!
- Order!
- [STAFF BANGS LOUDLY]
- There will be order in these chambers.
Counselor and I can't
believe we're doing this,
but it was my idea
do you rest your case?
Hell no.
I am just getting started.
I would like to call to the stand
the vampire deacon of the Americas,
Maurice Miller.
Mr. Miller, in your humble opinion,
how does the typical
vampire spend their evening?
On a typical night, vampires hunt.
And yet, is it not true
that you spend your hours
patrolling the streets
from sunset to sunrise,
helping those in need?
It's true. What I do.
Your Honor, I'd like
to submit exhibit B,
the parable of the Good Samaritan,
Luke 10:25, from the Bible,
as a point of relevant comparison.
Exhibit B is admitted into evidence,
not that I see a point
to these theatrics.
The point is this.
Maurice is a vampire deacon,
a leader who chooses to spend his nights
protecting those he
was created to feed on.
Is that not change?
Is that not growth?
Is that not evolution?
It is
noteworthy.
But all you've done is
prove Maurice's worth,
not the worth of your kind.
The exception is not the rule.
I would like to call to
the stand my next witness
Nikki.
- Hi.
- Nikki.
- Mm-hmm?
- Is it not true
that you are a retired assassin
who has fallen in love with a human,
the very same that we
are accused of exploiting?
You bet I am.
Are you not also the assassin who,
after two promising retirement,
murdered my brother, the angel, Raphael?
[BOTH GRUNTING]
I plead the fifth.
And respectfully decline
to answer your question
on the grounds that
it may incriminate me.
Next witness!
- [SOFTLY] Shit.
- [CHUCKLES UNCOMFORTABLY]
Whatever you're about to say
about Angela is null and void,
'cause at this very moment,
she is thinking of ways to kill me.
Uh [SIGHS]
- Guilty.
- Next witness.
Penelope and my
second-favorite LeBron James,
who are selfish,
power-hungry sycophants.
Yes. We are.
But they're they're here.
Absolutely correct and truthful.
Bravo, Reginald.
A month ago, these two
wouldn't have bothered
to show up anywhere
that didn't involve a
blood-soaked amuse-bouche.
So that's progress.
Relatively speaking.
A bar so low, a cockroach
couldn't walk under it.
But I'm feeling particularly
magnanimous today, so
why not?
- Let's chalk them up in your favor.
- [REGINALD CHUCKLES]
- We helped!
- Mm!
With Maurice and yourself,
that's four vampires to the good
and hundreds of thousands
of vampires to the bad,
counting all the vampires in the world.
Then give us more time.
30 days isn't enough.
It's barely enough
time for immortal beings
to make the decision to change.
Vampires were given
far more than 30 days.
You've had tens of thousands of years.
Not only are you depraved,
indiscriminate killers,
you revel in it.
Or shall I call on my witnesses?
[OMINOUS MUSIC]
You're so full of shit.
Excuse me?
You sit there
and you act like having wings
gives you the moral high ground?
How would you do if
we put angels on trial?
Take your best shot.
Mike Choi deserved
better than what he got.
- [HANDS SIZZLING]
- Aah!
The angel Uriel cut open his own flesh
so that his blood would burn Mike alive.
And you call us killers.
It looks like we're in good company.
A rather one-sided
portrait of your friend,
don't you think?
And then there's Nikki,
who you accuse of
murdering the angel Raphael.
- But who hired her?
- [BLADE SCRAPES AGAINST SCABBARD]
Who gave her the sword to kill an angel?
Nikki might have held the blade,
but she was merely a
weapon wielded by Uriel.
You've made your point.
But Uriel is flawed,
an unfit representative
of the celestial.
Exactly right, and I wouldn't expect you
to pass judgment on the many
for the actions of the few,
whether angel or vampire.
Inspiring fairy tales
about Reginald, about Nikki,
about you
that hardly constitutes the many.
Can you honestly be so sure about that?
How far have you traveled?
How many of our kind have you met?
How many damn minds have you read?
[ENERGETIC TENSE MUSIC]
- Exactly.
- Very well.
I will consider your argument.
A short recess is in order.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
[SLAMS HANDS ON TABLE] That's
my motherfucking deacon!
Yes! [APPLAUSE]
- Good job, Maurice.
- Whoo!
♪
Sarah?
Mike. [GASPS]
[GENTLE DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
[BOTH SIGH]
Oh, God. I'm so sorry.
- For what?
- You're here.
[MIKE SIGHS]
The docent called it heaven,
but since when is heaven
a weird art gallery?
Where are my harps and pearly gates?
I would have settled for the
River Styx and a ferryman.
But a gift shop? How cynical is that?
Right? [CHUCKLES]
Oh, it's good to see you.
How is
- Todd?
- Not great.
He misses you so much.
♪
But, uh, can we talk about
how much I love this look?
[CHUCKLES] Well, this
was me in my band days.
- Oh.
- It's when I was at my happiest.
I think the afterlife is trying
to make us comfortable
enough to cross over?
Cross over to what?
A grand reward?
The next life? A final judgment?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Well, whatever it is will have to wait
because I'm pretty sure today's the day
that Balestro's countdown runs out.
I think you're right.
Uh, I can't be sure, but
from what I've gathered,
I think there's still
time left on the clock.
Well, then we need to use
that time to help our friends.
Sarah, helping our
friends is not an option.
- We're dead.
- But you have information, don't you?
I mean, how else would you
know how much time is left?
It's not like there's
any clocks around here.
I found a way to get information.
- Nothing more.
- Show me.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
Okay.
♪
You may be seated.
After much contemplation, I
have come to the conclusion
that your argument has merit,
but ultimately, angels are
not the ones on trial here.
Your testimony is
therefore inadmissible.
- What?
- Is this what you call justice?
This is what I call bullshit!
- You're being unreasonable.
- Maurice's speech was so good!
- Unfair
- Silence!
Angels may have the capacity for sin,
but no comparison could ever
lessen the stain of the vampire.
You are guilty.
You are all guilty,
and now, you will face my judgment.
Whoo!
Who dares interrupt these proceedings?
I do love a good courtroom drama.
[LAUGHS]
Hey, Dad.
Long time, no see.
My son.
You've returned to me.
And I left a damn good party to be here.
So why don't we skip to the part
where you just tell me what you want?
Even after all these years,
clinging to old resentments.
There you go again.
Bringing up the past.
Like you always do.
But might I make a suggestion?
All I want is what's best for you.
All you want is what you want.
You hid from every responsibility!
[TENSE MUSIC]
- Whoa!
- Well, I'm not hiding anymore!
How dare you bear your blade to me.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Okay.
Uh, before we get
to the supercool stabbing and cleaving,
how about we try a little,
uh, reflective listening?
Is that a form of combat?
Well, it's actually a
form of conflict mediation.
All right. Look, look.
Instead of "How dare you
bear your blade to me,"
why not say, "I feel sad when
you bear your blade to me"?
Hmm?
[SIGHS] All right.
How 'bout as a first baby step,
we put away the flaming weaponry?
Abe, come on.
Balestro, be the adult in the room.
[SOFT SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
♪
[SIGHING] Thank you.
Now Balestro, would you mind
transporting us somewhere
that's more conducive
to family mediation?
[REGINALD CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
Wow, oh, this is exactly
what I was thinking.
You really can read my mind.
This is where you get your news?
It's just another empty gallery.
[SCOFFS SOFTLY] It's
only empty till needed.
Needed for?
Watch.
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
Well, how about that?
It's me.
- Hello.
- Hi.
I don't know you. Should I?
Oh, no matter.
Welcome to my dream.
I'm Trevor, by the way.
- Trevor
- This is not a dream.
Oh?
Oh.
I remember.
[SOMBER MUSIC]
The last thing I heard was
the sound of my own flatline.
Oh, gosh.
I'm dead, aren't I?
Yes, you are.
♪
I should feel sad.
Why don't I feel sad?
I think it has something to do
with discovering that
death is not the end.
Trevor, before you departed,
did anything catastrophic happen,
like a mass vanishing?
Or what about
people spontaneously
combusting all over the world?
Wow, not that I know of.
Seems like I'd noticed
something like that.
I was an avid consumer of the news.
I lived alone,
afraid to show the world the real me.
I'm gonna take a look
around if you don't mind.
It was a pleasure to
make your acquaintance.
I think I'm gonna like it here.
Would you look at that? I'm pretty.
Someone dies
and an empty gallery
populates with their photo.
That's how you get your information,
from the new arrivals.
Smart.
Until they exit through the gift shop.
It's not much, but
it's also why I believe
there's still time on Balestro's clock.
There's nothing that we can do to help?
No.
Whatever our friends are going through,
they're on their own.
Please exit through the gift shop.
Okay.
Let's start with you.
Tell us what's going on.
But phrase it with
the words "I feel "
I feel
betrayed.
Okay.
Why do you feel betrayed?
Because despite my great gifts,
my son chooses to waste
his angelic potential.
Ooh-kay. Digging deep. Very good.
Abraham, how do you respond?
If exterminating the entire vampire race
is what you call "angelic
potential," then
[LAUGHS AWKWARDLY]
Phrase it with the words "I feel "
Then I feel that I want no
part of the family business.
- Balestro?
- I feel frustration at a son
who thinks this is
merely about vampires.
I feel suspicious about your motives.
I feel hurt by your suspicions.
I feel doubt about your pain.
Okay. [CHUCKLES] Let's slow down.
And what about my love?
Do you doubt that too?
What could you possibly know about love?
You're so drunk with vengeance,
drunk with the power to extract it.
There's no love in you. Only hate.
Abraham.
Whatever conflict divides
us, you are still my son.
I made you.
I do not wish to see you unmade.
Please, let me save you.
I was trapped for 50 years
and I was waiting for you to save me.
[SOFT TENSE MUSIC]
But you never did, Dad.
You know who did?
[WHISPERS] My hero.
How do you think Reginald
came to my attention
in the first place?
♪
Okay.
Feeling the harsh glare of
the spotlight once again.
Oh, well, this was an unexpected turn.
And me, the sacrificial lamb.
Angela, what are you doing?
Stop the apocalypse,
let us live,
or Abraham dies.
Ruthless, reckless.
But putting your life on
the line for vampire-kind,
that is the stuff of heroism.
Counteroffer: I'm willing
to spare your life,
but everyone else dies.
- Deal.
- What?
[BALESTRO LAUGHS]
What a shining example you are.
I am not fucking ar
- What happened?
- He's doing the same thing he did to Maurice
at the council meeting.
He stopped her time.
[SOFT SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
♪
Aw, man.
I loved that pick.
♪
[ANGELA GASPS]
♪
I have seen nothing,
including Angela's bargain,
that convinces me that vampires
have the capacity for change.
I think you're wrong.
And I'm willing to stand
with them to prove it.
No
I'm proud to.
♪
You'll stand with vampires?
[SOFTLY] Yeah.
Then you'll die with them.
[DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING]
[REGINALD SHUDDERS]
- Here we go again.
- Maurice?
Celestial motherfucker.
Maurice, are you seeing this?
A deadly halo of blue flames.
Cool, cool. Just checking.
That is the flame that
will sweep across your Earth
until every vampire is
consumed by its holy fire.
You have ten seconds
to say your goodbyes.
Ten, nine
Reginald failed?
Eight, seven, six
- Ashley.
- Guys, I blew it.
I'm so sorry for letting you all down.
Five, four
Nothing you could do
would ever let me down.
Three, two
Wait! Stop everything!
I demand the stopping now.
- Claire! You're here.
- There she is.
Miss me? Well, I'm back.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
Reginald, what is it?
Claire is the key.
♪
You. You came.
You know her?
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]
That's why he trapped us in the Shack,
to keep us away from Claire.
You really are the key.
And I'm ready to open
whatever magical door
you found for me to open,
so let's do this thing.
- That's my girl.
- The thing is,
the door, it's still a work in progress.
Classic Reginald.
Always keeping us hanging
till the last second.
I don't think he's joking.
But we found Claire.
Actually, we found Altus.
Turns out when a foul-mouthed crone
attacks a teenage boy,
it makes the local news.
I didn't like how he
talked to my daughter.
All he said was hi.
Yes, but he said it with bedroom eyes.
Oh, my God.
All I'm saying is that one day,
you're going to start
having certain urges.
- Oh, my God!
- Hold on, hold on.
You're the child of a
human and an incubus.
- Yeah, don't remind me.
- Hmm.
Our little miracle.
When you said Claire was
the key, you meant that?
Now you getting it.
- Getting what? What's happening?
- In all of history,
you're only the second child to be born
of the union of a human and an incubus.
Ew, don't call it a union.
The first was Merlin of Caledonia!
Speak.
Um. Hello?
Reggie, look.
Maybe you could help fill
in a couple of blanks.
Okay, crash course on Merlin.
He was King Arthur's wizard.
He had the ability to summon lightning
and also occasionally shape-shift.
But most importantly, he
had the power of prophecy.
And that matters how now?
This has all been about
the evolution of vampires.
Balestro believes that we don't
have the capacity to change,
but he doesn't know that for sure.
He can't.
Speak.
Why does he keep saying that?
Because he wants you to
do the one thing he can't:
Look into the future.
- He wants me to what?
- Provide us with
a extremely well-timed vision
in which you see vampires in the future
that are evolved and
good and totally not dead.
Okay.
[SHEEPISHLY] Sure, I can do that.
- Speak.
- Don't rush me!
Okay.
Okay.
[EXHALES DEEPLY]
Okay.
Yup. There it is.
That's the future, all right.
And would you look at that?
Vampires are gonna be good, big-time.
Evolution coming right up.
What else?
Um
they'll start drinking lots of blood?
Don't they already drink lots of blood?
- No.
- Oh!
Drinking from bottles, except
not blood.
They'll invent
they'll they'll
invent a blood substitute.
- Yeah.
- This is deeply unconvincing,
yet I can't read your mind.
I couldn't read Merlin's mind either.
I guess that settles
it, then. [CHUCKLES]
- [CLEARS THROAT]
- Claire, your nose.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
- [WORDS ECHOING] War is coming.
- What is happening right now?
Vampire will turn against vampire.
Their blood will fill rivers.
In the battle for the
soul of the vampire nation,
a new beginning will
require great sacrifice.
Only one can save them.
But to save them,
Reginald Andres must die.
- Claire Bear!
- Whoa.
- Are you okay?
- You okay?
[NORMALLY] I'm okay. I'm okay.
What kind of new beginning do you see?
Sorry, I don't write the
songs, I just play them.
War? Blood-filled rivers?
I don't see how that could
possibly be a good thing.
Well, you can't, though.
That's the point, right?
But she can. And if for nothing else,
the fact that she sees a
future with us in it means
that we survive the night.
It means that you don't
wipe out vampire-kind.
- Right?
- In truth, by the sound of her prophecy,
you'll kill each other for me.
Maybe we will. Maybe we won't.
But that's tomorrow's problem.
[ETHEREAL SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
♪
[GASPS]
Holy shit, it worked.
- Looks like it.
- [LAUGHING] Claire, you saved us!
- Oh, my God!
- [CHEERS] Oh!
- It happened!
- Yes! Yes!
- Yeah, we made it!
- My man!
- Yes!
- [BOTH SIGH]
- Guys, oh, my God!
- I can't believe it.
- Thank you!
- All right, all right!
- [ALL CHEERING]
- Oh, my goodness!
♪
Everybody, listen up!
Given our unexpected reprieve,
thank you, Claire,
given the years we
got, and we got a lot,
let's get this party started!
- [TENSE MUSIC]
- Oh, man. Now what?
Welcome to the Slushy Shack.
- How may I help you?
- Very funny.
Take the smock off.
Wearing it is a privilege.
My son was right about you.
You are special.
Dude, know when to make an exit, okay?
Claire did the thing.
Your circle of holy fire went dark.
And I am done begging for my life.
Oh, but this isn't
when you beg, Reginald.
This is when you receive your gift.
Take my hand.
What kind of gift are
we talking about here?
- It's a surprise.
- I don't trust you.
Don't care. This is a gift you need.
[EERIE SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
♪
Can you maybe describe it in a sentence?
Call it power.
Call it an evolution.
But I can't do this
without your permission.
The decision has to be yours.
That's what Maurice said to
me right before he turned me.
- Mm, what'd you say to him?
- I said yes.
Say yes to me now.
- Why?
- Because according to that
impossible child's prophecy,
your troubles are only just beginning.
♪
- Started! Whoo!
- [LAUGHS]
♪
Reginald? What's wrong?
Uh, I'm I'm not sure.
You don't look too good.
Balestro left me a parting gift.
What kind?
[SIGHS SOFTLY]
I have no idea.
♪
Hello?
Hello?
Hello?
Oh, hell.
It's surreal, isn't it?
A day just like any other,
but a day I never
thought I'd get to see.
And I owe it all to
Reginald and that little kid.
[CHUCKLES] That little
kid turned out to be
way more special than I thought she was.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
Yeah.
That's the kind of special
we should keep an eye on,
don't you think?
[MAURICE SIGHS]
[DUCKS QUACKING]
[CHUCKLES]
We almost owed it all to you.
Taking Abraham hostage and
bargaining for our lives?
And you came this
close to saving the day.
And then you threw us all under
the bus to save your own skin.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Okay, I have never tried
to be the hero before.
- Takes practice.
- Oh, no judgment.
Look, if Balestro offered
to spare me and only me,
I-I would have taken that deal.
No, you wouldn't.
- I might have.
- Never.
You're too attached to justice,
too attached to your people.
And that's a fight you
will never stop fighting.
Maybe I fight harder for
some more than others.
And for some infuriating reason
that I will never understand,
survival has just never
been enough for you.
That's because there's a difference
between surviving and living.
And that's exactly the kind
of fortune cookie nonsense
I would expect you to say.
But maybe you're right, Maurice.
Maybe survival isn't enough.
[SOFT UPLIFTING MUSIC]
Maybe it's time I tried
something different,
considering I've tried
just about everything.
That's it, right?
The countdown came and went
and we haven't seen any vampires,
friendly or otherwise.
- I don't wanna jinx it, but
- It's over.
They survived Balestro.
I don't know how, but they did.
I bet Reginald had
something to do with it.
I bet he did.
[WIND BLOWING, CHIMES JINGLING]
So what do we do now?
Please exit through the gift shop.
Mike?
[SOFT CONTEMPLATIVE MUSIC]
I held on.
I stayed because I wanted to be here
in case our friends didn't survive,
but they did.
And now that I know they're okay
it's time, Sarah.
What? Mike, no.
We'll find another way.
Please, we can't just give up.
No.
You can't.
And you shouldn't either.
Your life was cut short. But mine?
I've lived countless lives
and cheated death every single time.
Like that sideshow in New Orleans.
Or the earthquake in San Francisco.
Before that, Osaka, Busan.
♪
Or the first time,
covered in my sister's blood,
hoping I'd be next,
when a stranger offered
me a chance at revenge.
♪
But being a vampire
meant I got to live more lives
than I ever thought possible.
I've had my time.
I'm ready for what comes next.
♪
You better get going
before I come up with
a real good reason for you to stay.
[MIKE LAUGHS]
♪
[MIKE SIGHS SOFTLY]
♪
That's different.
I don't get it.
Where's your white light?
Maybe walking into the
light is for humans.
Maybe vampires walk into the dark.
Or maybe this is just for me.
♪
You wanna hear something strange?
Feels like the time and place for it.
After all those lives, all those years,
I'm about to walk into
the darkest dark
and I can't get Todd off my mind.
Love is strange.
Yeah. It is.
♪
Goodbye, Sarah.
Goodbye, Mike.
♪
[MIKE SIGHS SOFTLY]
♪
[ETHEREAL THRUMMING]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[SOFT SENTIMENTAL MUSIC]
Sorry. Enjoy your slushy.
♪
How you doing, Reginald?
Okay.
- Don't look okay.
- I'm fine.
Claire saved the day.
I mean, you helped. More than helped.
I may have contributed
to our favorable outcome.
That's another way to put it.
But in the end, we're
right back in the Shack.
Three registers and, well,
there's only two of us now.
♪
"What's the Story, Morning Glory?"
[GROANS SOFTLY] Todd.
- It's a song.
- I know.
- By Oasis.
- I get it.
It's the game Sarah and I used to play.
"Hello."
[CHUCKLES] That's Adele.
[CHUCKLE-SIGHS] All right.
You name the artist
or the song, not both.
If you're gonna play the game,
you might as well play it right.
Oh, got it. Right.
What was I thinkin'?
"What's the Story, Morning Glory?"
Oasis.
Uh "9 to 5."
Oh, Dolly Parton. Solid choice.
"It's All About the Benjamins."
Okay. I see your Diddy.
Raise you "Mo Money Mo Problems."
Ooh, Biggie. Nice.
♪
"Everybody Hurts."
REM.
"I'll Be There for You."
Thanks, Todd. That
really means a lot to me.
No, I don't know what
you're talking about.
That's the theme song from "Friends."
[LAUGHS]
- The Rembrandts.
- Yeah.
Should we all get matching hats?
This is so dorky, but yes, I'm in.
[LAUGHTER]
Hey.
Claire, um, can we talk?
Oh, no. Did the car get towed again?
Um
- We'll get out of your hair.
- Oh, no, no, no. Please.
You should stay for this. Please.
And, uh, the car is fine.
At least I think it is.
No, um, this is about, um
well
you know I love you, right?
- Okay.
- Mm.
And I'm so proud of you
for standing up to Balestro,
and also a general
fatherly amount of pride,
also I love you.
You said that already.
- It's just
- You're an incubus.
You don't stay still or in one place
or even in one shape for very long.
You deserve stability, and
I can't give that to you.
Not like, um
Your room is still
made up if you want it.
It's true. Nikki changes
the sheets every day.
Just just in case.
♪
[ALTUS SIGHS]
I'm not gone forever,
just in constant motion.
And sometimes that motion
will bring me back here
to check on
[OMINOUS MUSIC]
- Your nose.
- Oh, no. Not again.
[GASPS] She's having a vision.
What do I do? What do I do?
That was weird, but it's okay.
I'm okay.
What what did you see?
We're gonna be really,
really happy together.
[GENTLE MUSIC]
We don't need the gift
of prophecy to know that.
We need to get the nose cleaned up.
The nice tissues are in the break room.
Oh, mm.
♪
We'll be right back.
♪
Goodbye, my girl.
♪
"War is coming," she said.
Vampire against vampire.
For the soul of the vampire nation.
Sort of burying the lede here.
But in order to save them
Reginald Andres must die?
That's me.
Not great. Could be better.
We finally sort out our
Balestro problem and now this.
You know, Merlin was big on metaphor.
Is it too much to hope this
is all not just, I don't know,
a figure of speech and
not a full-blown civil war
that ends in my untimely death?
Hope is free, Reggie.
Take as much as you want.
Bright side: Everyone
got their happy ending.
And Todd, he hasn't asked me to
turn him in at least 48 hours,
so that's progress, right?
What about you, Reggie?
What's your happy ending?
Well, you know how you said
we "sorted out" our angel problem?
Yeah.
That's not completely true.
Are you having those dreams again?
No, no. Balestro's gone for good.
I hope so.
I'm talking about another angel.
Uriel.
[SIGHS]
He's a problem.
Maurice, he killed Mike.
He killed Sarah.
I know that.
I can't let him get away with it.
All right. Noted. But look,
what exactly are we talking about here?
We're talking about my
happy ending, Maurice.
[SOFTLY] I'm gonna find Uriel.
I'm gonna make him suffer
for a very long time.
And then I'm gonna kill him.
I'm gonna kill him with my bare hands.
[BLACK RED GOLD'S "YOU ARE ALIVE"]
♪
You're alive ♪
Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪
Fire running through the dark ♪
Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪
♪