Reginald the Vampire (2022) s02e08 Episode Script

1
Previously on "Reginald the Vampire"
You have 17 days left to live.
- Claire's the key.
- Any idea what it means?
- I love you.
- I love you too.
Sarah's not coming.
She chose Reginald.
I am Uriel, soldier of the light.
[SCREAMING]
- No!
- I can't stand the thought of you with him.
- He's a monster.
- Bring Sarah back!
She belongs to me.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
If Uriel doesn't bring Sarah back,
do we get to kill him?
Welcome to the Slushy Shack.
How may I help you?
- Not funny.
- Worth a shot.
I mean, if I'm dreaming, I might
as well play the part, right?
Oh, this is not a dream.
Door.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
♪
Yeah, I I don't think those
doors are gonna open.
Who locked it?
Who locked us inside?
Okay, what is the last thing
you guys remember?
You vanished into thin air.
I was holding Ashley's hand
- poof.
- Then I followed.
And we ended up here.
I was trying to find a way
to bring Sarah back.
- No, somebody did this to us.
- Who?
Someone with spacetime
mind-bending-type crazy power.
- Oh, wait.
- Reggie.
There's only one possible answer, right?
Balestro.
The big bad wolf.
He sent me to the white room.
Now he sends us here.
I don't like this party trick.
But why? Why?
There's gotta be a reason for
him to do something like this.
I mean, tonight's the night he returns.
Tonight's the night the vampire
species is exterminated.
Balestro's keeping us at
hand, keeping us close.
Why?
I mean, if we're in here,
we're not out there.
Okay, the here-there distinction
- is not all that helpful.
- No, no.
I mean, if we're not out there,
we can't figure out a way to defeat him.
Maybe Balestro knows something we don't.
[EERIE MUSIC]
♪
[BREATHING SHAKILY]
What the ?
[GASPS]
We're trapped in the Shack.
No exit, okay?
But I just have a really strong feeling
that the doors are gonna
open before midnight.
No, you gotta give me
something better than that.
Just do what you normally do, be a hero.
The thing is, I gave it some thought,
- and
- And?
I'm not a hero.
Someone want to tell me what
the fuck is going on here?
Vampire class reunion.
If this is a vampire reunion,
then where is Mike?
Ange, um [CLEARS THROAT]
Mike's dead.
By whose hand?
The angel Uriel.
Well, when you killed him,
I hope you took your time.
I haven't killed him.
I couldn't even find him.
Okay, well, let's go kill him now.
Can't.
We're trapped.
Okay, wait, so you're telling me
somebody, what, "Twilight Zone"-ed us?
Yeah, something like it.
[SIGHS]
Ange, uh, look, Mike wasn't
the only one the angel killed.
He killed Sarah too.
Oh, no.
You were fond of Sarah?
He was.
She was his everything.
Yeah.
Yeah, she was.
I'll do as you ask.
I'll get on the first bus to Mexico,
and I'll live out our dream
on the beach in the sun.
- Do you believe in heaven?
- What kind?
- Any kind.
-
A place where all the dogs you ever had
are waiting to see you
or, like, an inexplicable void
made up of the essence of everything?
You've given this some thought.
Uh, I didn't get much choice.
I was raised to think about heaven
and believe in it too.
Okay. So I guess I'm not
gonna say the easy answer
of perfect weather, music by J Dilla,
and an endless supply of sweet tea.
It's a serious question,
except music by J Dilla would be great.
So we agree. Okay. [CLEARS THROAT]
Heaven?
I haven't thought about it much.
You know, my mom and dad
aren't really religious.
I mean, they believe in
spirits and spirituality,
but that's more cultural
than it is religious.
Well, what about you?
I mean, everybody wonders
what comes next.
I did that as a kid, and I mean,
you know, because death is bad.
Death is scary.
- Pretty much both.
- [CHUCKLES]
One night, I couldn't sleep.
And my mom comes in, and she
asks me what's happening,
and I tell her, and then she tells me,
and I'll never forget
what she said to me.
She basically said that
heaven is what you want it to be.
Your mom sounds great.
She's pretty cool.
Do you believe in heaven?
Uh, no.
What are you two doing?
- Uh, talking.
- Talking?
Yeah, you know, she talks, I talk.
We talk.
I understand the concept, Reginald.
But what I need you to be doing,
what I need you to always
be doing is selling.
These customers are
enjoying their slushies
to purchase a second slushy,
God willing, maybe even a third,
but they need a visual permission
structure in order to do that.
Visual permission structure
is definitely not a thing.
Yeah, no. It definitely is a thing.
It's a concept I invented,
and it works like this.
Face the room. Face the customers.
No sideways chit chat.
That removes you from
their consciousness.
Face them.
Smile at them.
Beckon them to return,
return to slushy.
[PLAYFUL SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
♪
Hi.
Always be selling.
It's working.
Hello. Welcome back to the Slushy Shack.
[EERIE MUSIC]
♪
Um, that's different.
Okay.
Hello, Sarah.
Welcome to the place where you belong.
Isn't that a fucking pickle?
This is not a pickle.
This is the beginning of the end
of the beginning of your eternity.
Oh, you sound like some
people I used to know.
Your mother, your father, your brother.
I don't want to talk about them.
You're free to talk about
whatever you choose.
Oh.
Okay, cool.
What is this place? Why am I here?
Sarah, you already know the
answer to your questions.
But I want to hear you say it, though.
You died.
You are in heaven.
[LOCK AND HANDLE RATTLING]
Okay.
[SIGHS]
Aperi ianuam hanc mando tibi.
[EERIE MUSIC]
Open sesame?
Perfect recall on every damn spell
in Justine's grimoire,
and I got nothing.
Okay. Okay, look. I'm gonna
sound like a broken record here,
but, Reggie, if there's
one thing I've learned
from our time together,
it's that no matter how
hopeless the situation gets,
how dire, there's always a way out,
and and you're the guy who finds it.
You know, after the eighth
or ninth pep talk,
inevitably they suffer
from diminishing returns.
Well, it doesn't make it any less true.
Hero, that's what you said,
what I have to be.
But maybe I don't care,
not without Sarah.
But I failed killing Balestro.
I failed convincing Abraham to help us.
I failed to figure out
why Claire is the key.
I failed to save Mike!
I failed to save Sarah.
God.
Santos basically showed me
where we're all gonna die,
- and I have nothing.
- Reggie, that's not all on you.
- Okay? It doesn't mean
- Oh, wait. There's more.
Super power and cape? No.
Strongest guy on the
block? That's not me!
Able to leap tall problems
in a single thought?
I can't even do that anymore!
How can I be a hero if I
don't know what it means?
Look, are you sure that
this is the best time
and place for self-reflection?
[SIGHS]
[PENSIVE MUSIC]
♪
On second thought
it's also the right time and place
to thank you for everything
you did for me.
For turning you into an
undead creature of the night?
No, Reggie. Those are your words.
True.
But that first night,
it changed everything.
And I don't regret it,
even knowing what I know
now, the Balestro, midnight,
certain doom, so on.
- About that.
- About what?
The first night.
You, me, bridge, you're
a motherfucking vampire.
Yeah, exactly.
Look, Reggie, that
that actually, um
it wasn't the first night we met.
Wait, what?
[SOFT SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
♪
[PANTING]
Whoa.
Where did you come from?
It doesn't matter.
Any excuse to stop this torture.
This is torture?
Not to be too dramatic about it.
So why do you jog?
Trying to impress somebody.
Would they be impressed
if they saw you now?
Well, fair point.
It's not really the jogging, per se.
It's the brand new Reginald
that's apparently the result.
- So your name is Reginald?
- Yeah.
And you are?
I'm Maurice.
Hey, Maurice.
All right, well, I'm gonna go.
Thanks for the excuse to stop,
but I should get back to it.
- No, not yet.
- Uh, excuse me?
[FANGS CLICK]
What the fuck is going on right now?
I'm hungry.
Oh, that explains the fangs.
Oh, that explains the fangs! Oh, my God!
[TENSE MUSIC]
♪
So dashing to freedom is not an option.
No. No, it's not.
You're a vampire?
How is that even possible?
You'd be surprised.
- I have questions.
- Not tonight.
Listen to me.
I'm gonna drink your blood,
and it won't take long,
and it won't hurt.
And when I'm done,
you'll forget all this ever happened.
Nod your head if you understand.
Good.
Dude!
I'm sorry.
You fed on me before you turned me?
Well, no, turning you was never
actually part of the plan.
Yeah, meal plan!
- How many times?
- Three?
Gah!
And then your asshole friends killed me.
- They did.
- You know, I'm still thinking
about the three times.
Those bite marks, I
I thought I had skin cancer.
No, you were food, man.
Okay, and then I heard you pray.
And then you glamoured me
to ask Sarah out on a date.
Yeah, it felt like
the right thing to do.
[SCOFFS]
Yeah.
[SIGHS]
Okay. Balancing the good and not good,
aiming me in her direction
totally makes up
for you using me as
an entrée three times.
[SOFT MUSIC]
So we're good?
Come on, Sire Dad.
We're always good.
[SOFT SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
[LOCK RATTLING]
♪
[DOOR RATTLING]
Door's locked tight.
Keys don't fit.
This isn't an authorized closure.
Nikki vanished into thin air.
I I was holding her
hand when she did.
Do you think she's in there?
I can't tell you how or why I know this,
but she's in there.
I know she is.
[TENDER MUSIC]
I'll find you.
Please find me.
♪
Follow me.
-
- There you go. Go slow.
Feel the blood wash through you.
Feel the power.
There you go.
[SOFT UPBEAT MUSIC]
Listen to me.
It's time for you to go.
When you leave,
you're gonna remember
nothing that happened here.
We found our dog, who's a very good boy
and didn't need your help.
Go now.
[SIREN WAILING]
Good boy.
Whoa, Angie.
Angie, I I feel I feel amazing.
♪
Whoa! Ange.
Ange, I can see for miles.
I can hear everything.
Take it easy, tiger.
You're new, you're remade,
better than you were before,
but you need to learn
to control the changes.
Don't let the changes control you.
♪
I feel fucking amazing.
I can see that.
Living our lives every day like this
Not days, Maurice centuries.
We own the years.
- I'm never gonna die?
- That's the plan.
You and me, we can do this forever.
Okay, now you're getting
ahead of yourself.
Forever is a very long time.
Kinda hard not to picture it.
- I suppose not.
- I can't stop smiling.
How are you not always smiling?
Smiles don't always suit my face.
Okay.
You and me, we're gonna work on that.
Oh.
Ooh, I'm so fucking happy.
When everyone else around you gets old
but you stay the same,
change is a constant.
I was in Paris by the river.
I had a stake in my hand,
and I was ready to
shove it into my heart,
but I ended up here instead.
Angie, Angie, that's crazy.
That that can't be true.
That's not who you are.
You don't you don't
go out without a fight.
[PENSIVE MUSIC]
♪
At midnight tonight,
an angel comes to kill every one of us.
Did you honestly believe that
I would just go out like that?
And did you really think
that I would let somebody
else take all of my years?
Nobody does that to me, nobody.
I don't understand.
I mean, hell, I figured
you'd at least try
to take the fucker out before you go.
Do you know how many
people I have killed?
I have left a trail of
bodies in my wake.
Maybe the last body
is mine.
Okay, so Reginald doesn't
seem to have a plan.
And that's strange,
and I was hoping you two are
halfway to figuring something out
before the clock strikes midnight.
♪
I was
Hoping?
[SIGHS]
Fuck.
The primary access point:
break room vent.
Is it possible that we
are going in circles?
I am the manager of this establishment.
And while it's not
exactly in the manual,
I think it's safe to say it's
my job to get us inside.
- Oh, hey.
- Sorry.
What is it?
If I were a vampire, tonight
could be the night that I die.
I really don't want to think
about that right now.
I thought I was in love with Mike.
And then I thought, no, I just
want to be a vampire like him.
While I was bouncing back and forth
between those two possibilities,
something wonderful happened.
What kind of wonderful?
I figured out
I understood how
I can love in the world,
who I can love.
♪
And that's as weird and
strange as vampires to me.
You can't see my face right now,
but it's important that you know
that I am smiling from
one ear to the other.
♪
Okay, well, let's go.
Yeah. [CLEARS THROAT]
[SOFT SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
♪
Tell me about God.
Please exit through the gift shop.
- Stop it.
- Sorry.
Tell me.
God is something you
must see for yourself.
Not really an answer.
There is no answer
when it comes to them.
Am I a ghost?
You are Sarah.
Oh.
Did you did you see that?
How how is that happening?
Anything is possible.
I'm a ghost.
I'm Sarah the Friendly Ghost.
I can haunt the living.
And I can tell Reginald
how much I miss him.
♪
Reginald?
Sarah!
Oh, my God.
Reggie, are you okay?
She was right here. I saw her.
- Who's here?
- Sarah! God.
Maybe she was trying to
get in contact with me,
or maybe she needs my help.
I I could just be losing my mind.
She was right there,
and then she disappeared.
Do you believe in ghosts?
I don't think so.
But you believe an angel is
bringing holy fire at midnight?
Okay, I may need to expand my
supernatural belief system again.
She tried to reach out to you.
Yeah, and I don't know
what to do about that.
Like, should I wait
for her to do it again?
I mean, we don't have a lot
of hours to work with here.
Maybe you'll go to her.
Well, sure. The possible
byproduct of our death,
assuming we all end
up in the same place.
I mean, holy fire, whatnot.
Still no plan?
[PENSIVE MUSIC]
You're my plan guy.
You know, Maurice wants me
to be a hero, too, but
I don't know if I know
how to do that anymore.
Maybe the hero inside you
looks different than you think.
What about you? Do you
do you have any heroes?
I mean, after all these years, I
Only one.
They're stronger than they think.
They're weird.
[LAUGHS]
They're funny.
They're kind.
They're the person I love.
[MELANCHOLY JAZZ MUSIC]
My name is Nikki ♪
Their name is Ashley ♪
Their voice is like an angel's ♪
Every word they say ♪
Just melts me ♪
Oh, where are they? ♪
Have you seen them? ♪
They left me all alone ♪
While I was sleeping.
But I'm gonna find them ♪
Even if it takes all day ♪
Yes, I'm in love ♪
With Ashley, my heart's desire ♪
I've got new feelings ♪
That they inspire ♪
And I'll give them ♪
All the love that they require ♪
Once I find them.
♪
We are definitely going in circles.
These ducts are cursed!
- Damn it.
- What?
Dead end.
- Ugh!
- Back it up!
Okay.
- [GRUNTS]
- Oh-oh!
What?
Need a little break.
- We're on the clock here.
- There's something on my mind now,
and I'd like to say it out loud.
Sorry.
You figured out how
to love, who to love.
Yeah.
It's pretty awesome, to be honest.
I always knew.
- You did?
- Always.
There was never a doubt in my
mind what love looked like.
But I was equally sure
I would never find love like that
because it didn't exist
in this dimension.
[PENSIVE MUSIC]
Until I heard Nikki sing.
That is so beautiful.
Thanks.
- [METALLIC BANG]
- Fuck this!
I've never heard you use that word.
Mike's dead, okay?
But Nikki is still alive,
at least until midnight.
She's inside the shack,
and we are gonna get to her
if I've gotta break these walls
down with my bare hands!
Thank you, Todd.
You're welcome.
Okay.
[GRUNTS]
Ready? Let's get her.
One last slushy for the road?
Pineapple surprise is my favorite.
Of course it is.
Try some. For the road.
Okay.
Mm.
- Oh, God. That is awful.
- Yeah, it is an acquired taste.
[LAUGHS]
Maurice says that you
don't think you're a hero.
Maurice told me that you feel
like we should just let go.
I do believe in you, Reginald.
And if you tell anybody
I said that, I will deny it.
[LAUGHS]
You're the scariest, most powerful
person I have ever met.
You can tell whoever you want.
Thank you.
[PENSIVE MUSIC]
I made him like he made you.
Sire bond.
At first.
But then it turned into
something different.
I used to think that was a
weakness, feeling that way.
It turns out it's the greatest
feeling in the entire world.
- Okay, dial it back, Romeo.
- Sorry.
I'm just really enthusiastic
about loving Sarah.
♪
Tonight at midnight,
it makes me happy to know
that you'll be there with him.
Wait, what?
Be there with him.
♪
[TENSE MUSIC]
♪
Of course you did.
I do not need your protection.
Then don't ask me to watch you die.
I didn't ask, Maurice.
Walk away. Close your eyes.
- I won't let you die like this.
- It's not your decision.
It's mine.
You think I don't have a part in this?
You're gonna pretend
like I'm not involved?
You know me.
You know why it has to be like this.
There is no other way out.
Angie, I understand no other way out.
But if you're gonna die like this,
then I'm gonna die with you.
♪
Go on, Angie.
If you want to do this
you're gonna have to do it to me first.
I won't let you leave here without me.
♪
Go on, Angie.
Do it.
Do it!
Ugh!
You're really gonna make
me walk that last mile
knowing what's waiting for us?
We'll walk it together.
And we won't give up hope
until that motherfucker
rips it from our hands.
[LAUGHS]
Did I miss something?
Oh, young soldier.
Listen to us.
"Do it," he says.
That was an emotional moment for me.
I can see that.
"You're gonna make me walk
that last mile alone," she says?
"No other way out," she says?
I meant every damn word.
♪
What do you intend to do?
Sit here.
I've earned that right.
I'll sit here for an
eternity if I want to.
That is not generally allowed.
Well, consider me the exception.
- You are very stubborn.
- I'm dead.
I'm gonna make my own decisions.
But there are better
ways to spend eternity.
Hey, I am not gonna argue with
an inanimate object, okay?
Hello.
What do you intend to do?
I'm gonna sit right here, okay?
For a while, maybe even longer.
I'm gonna sit right here,
and I'm going to remember.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
Do you need something?
Uh, restrooms are for
paying customers only.
Oh, no, no, no. I'm
I'm looking for the manager.
You're looking at him.
Yeah, um, I'm studying
business administration
in Ohio State.
Actually, I'm writing a term paper
on, uh, strategic management.
Your biography gets more fascinating
with every passing moment.
Right, um,
I was wondering if I could work
here for a couple weeks,
just as research for my term paper.
What's your name?
[TENDER MUSIC]
Uh, Reginald.
Hi. I'm Sarah.
And I'm Sarah's boss.
Sorry, Reggie-nald, was it?
I really wish we could
help you with your
You're hired!
- He is?
- I am?
Yeah.
Um, Kevin quit last week
after throwing a slushy at your head.
We don't have to talk
about that right now.
Okay. We have an opening.
Uh, true, yes,
but we also have a
a vigorous vetting process.
And Reginald can fill that.
- I'm available for any filling.
- Mm-hmm.
Even if it's just for two weeks, right?
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
There you go.
♪
[SIGHS]
Welcome to the Slushy Shack.
How may I help you?
Okay, remembering was very nice.
Now it's time to look forward.
Welcome to the place where you belong.
- Shut up now.
- Sorry.
So this is heaven?
Not the one that I was taught
to worship, but okay.
Accepting that now.
But if this is heaven,
then there's gotta be a God in charge.
So maybe let's find them,
find out if they have
something to offer.
Okay. Mm-hmm.
Hmm.
Only love can break your heart ♪
Only love keeps us together ♪
Only love tears us apart ♪
Before we say goodbye ♪
Please tell me in a certain light ♪
Please exit through the gift shop.
Only love will leave you lonely ♪
Please exit through the gift shop.
Nope. Not gonna do it.
Totally don't trust that
little voice inside my head.
Never have I ever
eaten a bug.
I knew it!
I was young, okay? It scarred me,
- and that's probably why I'm afraid of bugs.
- Your turn.
Okay.
Never have I ever had a one-night stand.
I don't believe that.
Sure you do.
- Come on. Come on.
- [SIGHS]
Ooh.
Never have I ever
eaten a pomegranate.
Oh. Okay, you know, it's
I don't wanna call you a liar.
It's fatal, but I just
There are evil seeds inside.
- Okay then.
- Uh-huh.
[CLEARS THROAT, SIGHS]
Never have I ever
Please tell me this
isn't what I think it is.
- Never have I ever?
- Ugh, dumb game.
- Want to play?
- Hmm, yeah, I do.
Okay.
Whoa!
You were losing anyway.
I don't think we were keeping score.
I was.
I got 400 years on you. Let's go.
- Let's go!
- All right.
Never have I ever ridden a motorcycle.
That does not surprise me.
- Not even once?
- I mean, you sired me.
I feel you'd know.
Come on, all the straws.
Okay, my turn.
Never have I ever
gone swimming in a public pool.
That's a surprising distinction.
Public pool snob.
My progeny prefers the open sea like me.
Okay, never have I ever owned a cat.
All right.
- You seem like a cat person.
- Uh-uh.
- Okay.
- That's what I'm saying.
- Who's up?
- That's crazy.
- Angie.
- Right.
Never have I ever apologized.
- Oh, yeah, totally believable.
- Completely believable.
- Thank you.
- I think you get four from me.
[LAUGHTER]
- There's no doubt about it.
- Thank you. Wow!
- Thank you.
- Banged it.
Okay, okay, okay.
Never have I ever
Flashing lights reflecting
all the words ♪
I need you in this rocket ride ♪
I can't do this alone ♪
I want to get lost ♪
In your universe ♪
[SOFT UPBEAT MUSIC]
We're better off without this world ♪
Just don't look down ♪
There's nothing for us, girl ♪
No, I don't want to go home ♪
Remembering the place
we laughed and cried ♪
Lifting off, then crashing down ♪
Seemed hopeless, but we tried ♪
I'm with you on this rocket ride ♪
You'll never be alone ♪
I want to get lost ♪
In your universe ♪
♪
We're better off without this world ♪
Just don't look down ♪
There's nothing for us, girl ♪
No, I don't want to go home ♪
I don't want to go home ♪
I know what it means to be a hero.
- No.
- Oh.
I know what it means.
My life is so big.
And I don't know when that happened.
It might be weird science or
maybe just from growing up,
but and this is gonna
sound really basic
the size of my life is you.
It's Todd and Ashley
and Claire and Sarah.
Oh, man, is it Sarah.
But all of you have made
my life so much bigger.
[TENDER MUSIC]
Everybody wants me to be a hero.
And given my life before all this,
that's pretty fucking cool.
But I didn't know what
that meant until tonight.
Being a hero means protecting
the ones you love
and not giving up.
Altus said that the one
thing angels can't control
is free will, our free will.
They don't know what we can be.
That's up to us.
So tonight at midnight,
we stand together,
we protect each other,
and we don't give up.
We're family.
It's true.
- But we could still use
- A plan.
Before Balestro kills
every single one of us.
Yeah.
Belief in yourself and
trusting in who you are
is the cornerstone of something great.
- Gandhi.
- Jay-Z, actually.
But he's not wrong.
I know that we can make it
out of here in one piece.
So why don't we go out there,
take the long walk together,
and show Balestro who we are.
[METALLIC THUMPING]
Sarah?
- [CRASHING]
- Oh!
Oh, hey, guys.
What's up?
Ashley.
[CRASHING]
[OBJECTS CLATTERING]
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
It's time for us to go.
♪
Do you feel that?
Angels GPS.
Telling us exactly where to go.
Find Altus.
Find Claire, and bring her to us.
Why?
Claire is the key.
But where do we bring her?
Altus will know.
- You guys ready?
- Yeah. I am.
Let's go.
Not quite yet!
♪
[ETHEREAL MUSIC]
♪
Please exit through the gift shop.
Tricky.
Unless God is on the other side?
Can you tell me that?
Will I find whatever passes for
the Almighty on the other side?
Because I am genuinely
curious about that.
Please exit through the gift shop.
Only one way to find out.
[EXHALES]
♪
I see us in heaven ♪
On a balmy shore ♪
Where dreams are more ♪
Than just imaginary things ♪
We live and dream our love ♪
I see us in heaven ♪