Reginald the Vampire (2022) s02e07 Episode Script

Terminal Eternity

Previously on "Reginald the Vampire"
How is it that even on the brink of
death, you continue to disappoint?
You have 17 days left to live.
Sarah, if there's anyone that
can help us, it's Abraham.
Sarah's not coming.
- She chose Reginald.
You're stronger than any of us,
and yet you're choosing to do nothing?
- Claire's the key.
- Any idea what it means?
What do you say we get
the hell out of Ohio?
Mike is going to turn me into a vampire.
I cannot let you make another monster.
[SHAKILY] He wasn't gonna turn me.
He said no!
We've been searching for
Uriel for two weeks now.
Good to know there's
a time limit on grief.
Hey, that's not fair, okay?
Mike is gone, and I miss him too.
But there's a vengeful
angel coming after us
and as per Abraham's
last-minute shout-out,
Claire is the key.
Key to what?
Key to a door? Key to a symphony?
Key to a highway?
All valid possibilities.
But I was thinking more like
a key to a portal that could
suck Balestro out or us in.
How many books on keys
and doors have you read
in the last two weeks?
And what do we know
about beating Balestro?
Nothing. So, best-case scenario,
you're putting our survival
in the hands of a 13-year-old girl
who doesn't know squat about this key
and how she's supposed to use it
to save our species from extinction.
Maybe there's no answer.
I mean, look at our source.
Abraham, son of Balestro,
the party animal?
Abraham is just celebrating
the time he has left.
And you know what?
Sometimes I feel like I
should be doing the same.
You want to celebrate? That's your plan?
Or live my best life
for as long as it exists.
Look at Angela.
She's rocking her
joie de vivre in Paris.

Hey. No peeking until I'm finished.
There's an 8-foot live
tree in my apartment
draped in shiny baubles.
It's like asking a cat
not to play with tinsel.
Snack time!
- Cookies!
- What kind?
Just when I thought you were perfect,
you raised the yule log.
Oh, they're broken and bleeding.
Are these ginger-dead cookies?
Are you drinking Mama Nikki's eggnog?
Is she not supposed to do that?
It's called rum, hon. And it's a no-no.
You may have a cookie.
Just one or you'll spoil dinner.
- Whatever.
Wait. There's more.

I'm ready.

What do you think?
Best Christmas ever.

Got all Todd's favorites.
Cheeseburger, extra pickles,
nachos, extra jalapenos,
and green curry, extra naan.
Where are you going?
Shouldn't we check in on Todd first?
You know, together? [CHUCKLES]
Todd has been in the break
room for almost two weeks
with Mike's ashes.
He's not doing great.
He watched Mike get murdered.
Of course he's not doing great.
And I feel like it kind
of gets you thinking about
the fragility of life a little.
You know, the eternal,
aren't so eternal.
We need to be here for Todd.
All of us, like we agreed.
Look, I got the food.
Okay? That I can do.
But sitting around whining
about the fragility of life?
I don't have time for that.
Maurice, we don't
have time period, okay?
Ashley dropped by earlier.
They brought you a Christmas card.
So Nikki is doing Christmas in April,
and I'm the one with the problem?
So go. Hunt.
I'll tell Todd you said hi.

- Do you want to talk about it?
- I'm all out of talk.
Okay, well, I don't think
locking up your emotions
is a good idea, either.
The best way to unlock my
emotions is to find Uriel
and to put him down.
What if you can't find him?
Then at least I tried.
What about taking time to say
goodbye to the people we love?
I get what Nikki wants to do, okay?
I get what you and
Sarah are trying to do.
We're gonna go camping.
I'm sorry, Reggie.
You and Sarah deserve each other, okay?
I am not blind to that.
But Angie's gone off to
Paris doing who knows what.
So no goodbyes for me.
Didn't we agree that casual
lumberjack doesn't work
without the beard?
But it will work while you chop firewood
and I drink pinot grigio out of a can.
I don't really have to chop wood, do I?
- Chopping wood is optional.
- Oh, thank you.
But what we can do is
some stargazing, hmm?
Big Dipper, Little Dipper.
[CHUCKLING] All the dippers.
Should we really be going away?
We only have two days left.
Shouldn't I be spending every
minute trying to save the day?
Saving the day is still on the table.
Whatever you want to do,
I'm gonna do it with you.
Well, Abraham said Claire was the key.
Abraham is Balestro's son.
And Claire is the
daughter of an incubus.
Father, son, father, daughter.
Maybe we start there.
You're so awesome.
Just a reminder. [CHUCKLES]
The feeling is mutual.
So no camping.
- Not today.
- No stargazing?
The sky is full of clouds.
[SIGHS] But I bought so much bear spray.
Plenty of time for bear spray later.
Sorry about this place.
It's a mess.
Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I heard you.
I need to eat.
How can I?
Why didn't you turn me?
You promised, and then you took it back
at the last minute.

That was insensitive.
I don't mean to complain.
I just I can't
stop thinking about it.
I should have protected you!
Well, duh! Of course I would have died!
But what's my life compared to yours?
Nothing. I am
[SHAKILY] I am nothing.
You didn't turn me
because I'm not worthy.
[SOBS] That proves it, man.
I didn't protect you.
I didn't avenge you.
I didn't do anything
'cause I just stood there.
[SOBBING] I'm a coward.
And I'm a fucking idiot!
I'm sorry.
I'll put out word to Altus.
Anything he remembers,
anything he can find out.
Nikki and Ashley?
Keeping a sharp eye on her,
watching for something new.
Claire is the key.
So we finally got that place in Mexico.
Little one-bedroom with
the outdoor kitchen?
- What's the shade situation?
- Oh, you didn't hear?
In Mexico, I'm immune to the sun's rays.
- You think of everything.
- Mm.
Now all we need is one
or two or ten rescue dogs,
and that would be perfect.
More hot chocolate? Mm?
I hate that calendar.
It's a necessary reminder.
How are you so calm about this?
Maybe Abraham is right.
Accept my fate and do what
makes me happy until it comes.
And look, you are what makes me happy.
But if it's all the same to you,
I'm gonna hate on that calendar
for the next two days.
Promise me when I go,
you'll be on the first bus
to Mexico living out our dream
on the beach in the sun.
Okay, okay, okay.
Changing the subject. Mm-hmm?
- I got you something.
- Oh, you did?
- Mm-hmm.
From the flea market.
What? [GASPS]
- It's a surfboard.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, I love it.
I'm never gonna take it off.
- Oh, and look.
The clouds are gone
and the stars are out.
- Look at that.
- Huh. What do you know?
- Wow.
- Oh, look.
- Hmm?
- Cassiopeia.
- Oh, where?
- No idea.
- Hmm.
But I just like the way that it sounds.


Excuse me.
Are you okay?
How do I look?
Like somebody punched you in the face.
Mind if I sit?
Go on. Sit down if you want to.

What's your name?
Irma. Irma Franklin.
Irma was my mom's name.
Well, how about that?
Something in common.
Look, not that it's any of my business,
but someone hits you, you call the cops?
Not an option.
Me and the police
don't exactly get along.
Fair enough.
Let me hit them for you.
Whoever did that to you.
If I wanted them hit, I
would have done it myself.
Tell me what happened.
Abbreviated version?
Landlord wants to sell
the building I'm living in.
Problem is, I got a lease.
So do most of the tenants.
He bought a few of us
out, but the rest stayed.
Suddenly, no hot water.
Too much heat.
Man intends to get us out
of there any way he can.
But he can't do that.
It's called self-eviction
under the law.
And no, he cannot.
But the law moves slowly, if at all,
so I organized a rent strike.
Hit him where it hurts.
This is what I get.
How can I help?
You got a law degree
with a side of expertise
in Ohio landlord-tenant regulation?
- No.
- Mm.
None of that.

What's your story, anyway?
The abbreviated version.
Why don't we just get one of
everything and call it a day?
This glampground's amenities are vast.
- Want desert?
- Yeah.
Of course you do.
- What did you forget?
[GASPS] Uriel.
I I need to tell you something.
- I need to explain.
- You killed Mike.
There's no explanation.
Get the fuck out of here!
Can't do that, Sarah.
Please listen to me.
Okay. I'll listen.
I'll listen.
I'm going to make some tea, okay?
Would you you want some tea?

- I'm not crazy!
I told you to never read my mind again.
Sarah, please. We need to talk.
You're crazy.
Oh, look. I said it out loud this time.

Come with me.
I'm not going anywhere with you.
And you can't make me.
Oh, yes. I believe I can.
The craziest thing
happened. After the war.
President Nixon passed the national wage
and, uh price control.
Rent control.
- Landlords were not happy.
- Mm.
How long did that last?
Not long.
They phased it out a couple years later.
But activists, they they
continue to push to extend it.
All over. San Jose, Oakland.
Berkeley was actually the
first rent-controlled city
in the state.
- We won that fight.
- We?
Might want to credit them that did it.
I mean my dad.
He was a Panther. Believed in justice.
Thanks for the walk.
You're right. It's a nice night for it.
Maybe next time, you can tell me
a story from this century.
Hey, can I ask a question?
This landlord
why didn't you hit him back?
I don't believe in violence.
The way I see it, if I act like that,
no matter how much I want to,
then I'm no better than they are.
There's nothing wrong
with fighting for what you believe in.
No, there's not.
But there are other ways to fight.
Thanks for the walk.

It's beginning to look
a lot like Christmas
- threw up in here.
- [LAUGHS] I know.
It's perfect.
Ash, on a scale of one to ten
drunk Santas, how did we do?
Best Yule ever.
Um, any Christmas movie requests?
Because I'm making a list.
Two words: Christmas horror.

Something's wrong. Don't deny it.
Talk to me.
I can't do this.
I know.
It's saccharine enough
to give us cavities.
But I say lean in. [CHUCKLES]
I'm not talking about that.
I know.
I'm talking about parenting.
Especially the single-parent variety.
Oh, Ash.
You and Claire are taken care of.
Vampire assassins don't come cheap.
And despite my wicked style
[CHUCKLES] I'm surprisingly frugal.
Switzerland, the Caymans.
I've got money, and it's all yours.
So I can buy her things?
All of the things.
But there's more to life than things.
I gave her high-octane eggnog,
and I don't know rules
like just one or you'll
spoil your dinner.
You might be a vampire, but
I'm practically an alien.
I'm gonna turn Claire
into a diabetic alcoholic.
[CHUCKLES] No, you won't.
And she'll help you.
She's a smart kid.
But she's not just any kid.
She's a kid with zappy fingers
and an incubus for a father.
I'll be raising a superhuman.
I can't do this alone.
You won't be alone.
I will be because you're going to die,
and you're the only one who gets me.

Uh hey, hon.
Did you pick out some movies?
I don't think I'm in the mood anymore.

Hope you're hungry. I
have one of everything!

Sarah? Sarah?
Holy shit!

Probably should have left
him in the break room.
Hey, all hands on deck, right?
- Todd is not doing great.
- I don't care.
We're finding Sarah.
Are you even sure it was Uriel?
Uriel is an obsessive
angel with a broken heart.
Yeah, it was him.
I should have seen this coming.
It's not your fault.
Uriel killed Mike with his bare hands.
[SOFTLY] Mike.
Todd, I'm so sorry. I
No, it's no problem.
Hey, I got a great
idea, real game changer.
Turn me.
It's not gonna happen, okay?
And we don't have time
to waste on hypotheticals.
It'd be three against
one instead of two.
Do the math.
Even if we turned you,
you'd be useless for days.
And in this case, most
likely dead in two.
In two days, I won't care
what happens to me anyways.
Then care what happens to Sarah,
because we're gonna find her,
and she's gonna be really messed up.
And when I'm gone,
she's gonna really need
your help to deal with that.


Reginald will find me.
He'll bring Maurice with him.
You have no idea what
kind of trouble you're in.
You prayed to me, and I
revealed myself to you.
Angels never reveal their
true nature to humans.
It is forbidden. But I did.
And now, I suffer the consequences.
The sinful things I've done.
Raphael was right.
You have a corrupting nature.
He warned me.
If I stayed, I would lose my soul.
Is that what you want from me?
We'll protect you from
harm ever and always.
That's what you said.
I meant every word.
- Then show me.
- I will protect you.
By keeping me here?
How can I protect you if I let you go?
This is the only way
for me to watch over you.
That's not protection. That's a prison.
You are the source of
your own corruption.
- Please.
- You didn't lose your soul.
You gave it away.
[SHOUTING] Do not provoke me!
[SOFTLY] I'm not trying to provoke you.
I'm trying to tell you the truth.

I will never love you.


I think we're done talking now.

We wish you a Merry Christmas ♪
We wish you a Merry Christmas ♪
Claire, I totally appreciate
the silent treatment.
More power to you.
And a happy new year ♪
But I think we should talk.
You don't have to explain.
I'm used to it by now.
Used to what?
I was too much for Altus.
He couldn't deal, so he left.
I'm too much for you too.
No, that's wrong.
You coming here, it's the best thing.
Being part of a new family is hard.
But the end of days is
coming for every vampire.
I get it.
Ashley shouldn't have
to do this on their own.
Thing is, Claire
No one can do this alone.
Not even your mom.
She had Altus.
More than you knew.
Sometimes, raising a
kid is a team sport.
Well, I don't have a team.
Not really.
Sure you do. You've got me.
And you've got Sarah and Todd.
You'll have your dad when you
least expect it. [CHUCKLES]
You and me
we're gonna have teammates
coming out of our ears.
We wish you a Merry Christmas ♪
I'm so lucky to have you two.
We good?
Glad tidings we bring
to you and your kin ♪
Is the tofurkey burning?
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
- Oh, no.
Oh, that's hot.
Just just use the oven mitt.
Where where do we put them?
Um, I don't know.
Honey, don't do that.
- Don't touch that, baby.
- Babe, babe.
Should we just, um, not eat this?
Yeah, maybe not.
Okay. Let's just order for you guys.

I never prayed to you.
That's a lie.
My prayers were
delivered to an empty sky.
They were heard.
By creatures I was
tricked into worshipping.
A prayer to one angel
is a prayer to us all.
An angel enlightens with truth,
inspires with courage,
and lifts me up with kindness and love.
I tried to give you all of that.
It wasn't a gift.
It was a threat.
All I need is a chance.
I was created to do this.
There's only one
person who I've ever met
who gave me all those gifts.
Sometimes imperfectly,
sometimes at the wrong time,
but in the end, he is my angel.
Not him.
He is imperfect.
He is humble, kind, and beautiful.
But I can give you everything he can.
Prove it.
Name the thing he gave you that I can't.
Name it, and I will give it to you.

Sarah. Holy shit.
I thought Uriel took you.
- He did.
- I knew it.
Where is he? I need to find Maurice.
We're gonna handle him, okay?
But you need to hide,
someplace he won't suspect.
- I'm not hiding.
- What?
I don't think I need to.
He's lost in his sins.
Oh, my God. Are you okay?
Oh, my God. Wait a minute.
Of course you're not okay.
You're my angel.
Given what we know about angels,
it's probably better
that I'm your vampire.
You're my vampire.
Much better. [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
But you're gonna die.
We don't need to talk about that now.
Yes, we do.

I really don't deserve you.
- But you're getting there.
- Mm.

Oh, Crap.
- Hey, Claire.
- Hey, big guy.
Uh, come in. Sarah's asleep, so
No. It's better if I do this here.
Do what?
what's with the bag?
I'm going to stay
with Altus for a while.
What? Why? What happened?
Ashley and Nikki should
spend their last days together
without worrying how to
raise a teenage incubus.
Half-teenage incubus.
You know what I mean.
Yeah, I do.
- Say it.
- Say what?
I can see your big brain working.
[SIGHS] You know, the funny thing is
my brain's actually the
same size as everyone else's,
but everyone keeps saying
it's big, but in fact
You're the key.
Abraham said so, okay?
And I know we tried our hardest
to figure out what that means
and I know we came up short.
But I just can't help but feeling like
we might have missed something.
Calling me the key doesn't make me one.
I've already got
lightning in my fingers.
Isn't that enough?
Yes, it is.
I'll see you around, okay?
Drop by any time.

You know,
you were the first
person who knew my secret.
That basically makes you my best friend.
Or my first-ever friend, I guess?
You ate all the
hamburger in our freezer.
[CHUCKLES] I really did.

Come here.

Thank you for everything you did for me.

Want to hear something a little crazy?
I genuinely feel like
I'm gonna see you again.
You promise?
I promise.

Bye, Claire.

Sarah's back.
She's gonna be all right.
I didn't know what to do with his ashes.
Scattering ashes is a human custom.
A way to say goodbye.
I don't know if I can do it.
Got you something.

Alkaline Crush?
It's Mike's punk band.
- They had swag?
Look, man,
one night, they're playing
in this shithole pub in Ireland.
And about 20
20 football fans came
busting in after a match.
Took 'em maybe about a minute
before they started brawling,
and no one could split them up.
And there's Mike,
putting his bass guitar to the amps,
bringing each and every one
of them to their knees, man.
With his guitar?
With his fucking guitar.

All his stories
None of them will bring him back.
Todd, there's a good chance
that Reggie, Nikki, Angela,
and me, we're gonna
be gone for good, okay?
And I don't want us to be forgotten.
I want our lives to mean something.
So we need you.
We need you to tell our stories.
Because if you don't

We'll be gone for good.

No one will forget.
I won't let them.
You have my word.


Did you want to say something?

I already did.

Goodbye, Mikey.

Is she okay?
I talked to Altus. He
said she's settling in.
And he wished us a Merry Christmas,
so that was nice.
Hm, I miss her already.
You'll see her again.
[SIGHS] Open them together?
- Yes, please.
- On three?
- One, two
I'm Prancer.
I'm Vixen.
- Of course you are.
Did I drive her away?
I mean, yes, our baby bird flew
the nest sooner than expected,
but but a young incubus needs
the support of her own kind.
First Claire, then you.
Circle of life.
What am I gonna do without you?
Who's gonna remind me to, I don't know,
- get out of my own head?
- I will.
Open it.
Pull me.
Go outside, look up at
the sky, and breathe.
It's going to be fine.
It's you.
Pull me again.
Not everything's a conspiracy,
and Jimmy Hoffa is not
buried under the West Wing.
Agree to disagree.
[LAUGHS] One more.
You forgot to eat
breakfast again, didn't you?
I don't do that.
[CHUCKLING] Okay, I do do that.
It's beautiful.
Now you.

Ash, it's your blood.

Because if you die
Then a small piece of
me will die with you.

What a strange pair we are.
I wouldn't have it any other way.

Magic keys, invisible keys,
"Songs in the Key of Life."
I'm surrounded by keys,
and I've got nothing.
She's not here.
You'll never find her.
All these material things

A lifetime spent
collecting fragile trinkets.
Says the angel who carried around
a snow globe in his pocket.

I didn't come here for Sarah.
I came here for you.
In the beginning, Balestro
sent me to kill you,
but I didn't complete my mission.
I'm not afraid of you.
Not you, not Balestro, not any angel.

Reginald, did something break?

You're here. Good.
Get out!
Hey, go back in the bedroom.
This is between me and Uriel.
I can't stand the
thought of you with him.
- He's a monster.
- Uriel, please.
None of this is Reginald's fault.
I asked him to teach me
how to live in this world,
- and he taught me nothing!
- Leave him alone!
I can handle this.
Well, there is a way for us to be free.
Uriel, please.
If you love me, promise
you won't hurt him.
I promise.


You once told me love
makes the world go round.
But love broke my world,
and I almost lost her.
Bring Sarah back!
She belongs to me.

Are you sure?
I thought he was here to kill me.
- How could I be so stupid?
- Maybe it's a trick.
Maybe he kidnapped her again.
She could still be alive.
She's dead.
How do you know that?
I saw him suck the life out of her.
She exploded into light.
And now, there's nothing left.
But I know how to get
her back. [CHUCKLES]
Justine's Grimoire.
No. Reggie, that's a bad idea.
I've read this book cover to cover.
There's at least three relevant spells.
Resurrection, revival, and return.
Bringing someone back from the dead,
that's fucked up, man, okay?
It's too dangerous.
Like what you did for me?
No, that's a completely
different situation.
What you're thinking,
bringing her back with magic?
Return might be my best bet.
You cannot mess with death.
Reggie, if you bring her back,
there's no way of
knowing what you'll get.
What if she comes back wrong?
I just need a lock of her hair.
Look, I know that this is
the most difficult thing
that has ever happened.
I know what you are
going through right now.
But if Sarah is gone,
like you say
Reggie, there is no fix.
There is no solve for X.
If she is gone, then she is gone.
I'm doing this,
so help me or get the
fuck out of my way.
Because I'm not giving up on Sarah.

I miss Claire, too.
Do you want to call her?
It's not Claire.
Uriel kidnapped Sarah.
I'm on it. Where did he take her?
But Sarah got free.
Oh. [CHUCKLES] That's great.
She okay?
She's dead.
The angel came back.
He he killed her.
She she's dead. [SOBBING]
In corpus tuum regrediare.
Cum spiritu tuo regrediare.
Reggie, you don't have to do this.
The spell is complicated,
but I know it's the right one.
How complicated?
She might come back
wrong, like you said.
What am I supposed to do?
We put this book away,
we track down Uriel,
and we find a way to get her back.
If Uriel doesn't bring Sarah back
do we get to kill him?
I'm way ahead of you on that.

Come on. Come on.
Spells on vanishing.


Ah! Oh.




And I know I'll see you soon ♪

I've been bathing in devil's brew ♪

This place feels holy, frightening ♪
I wait for you ♪
And lie, I, I ♪
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