Remington Steele (1982) s02e16 Episode Script

Elegy in Steele

No matter what help you get, no matter where you go by 12:00 noon, you'll both be dead.
- Are we walking into a trap? - Do we really have a choice? Good Lord! He's been spying on us.
That bloody bugger's been following us all this time! - Okay.
- One, two- Give me your hand! Feel the fear.
It'll be the last thing you feel.
- Regrets, Mr.
Steele? - Mmm.
Only that sometimes I didn't live up to the Remington Steele that you had in mind.
I won't hold it against you.
Laura, look out! Oh.
Mr.
Steele, Miss Holt- Shh.
This is where I always go wrong, Laura.
I'm sure of it.
- Steady, Mr.
Steele.
- What's going to happen? I'm going to stir it, Mildred.
Is that safe, boss? Yeah.
All right, Miss Holt.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Ah! Lest we forget to garnish.
You going to drink it or just admire it? Five years, Miss Holt.
Five years since Sue Akers, an American expatriate and a rather well-known soldier of fortune, mixed me a "Tropical Itch" at her bar on Mykonos.
And for five years, I've been trying to ferret out the recipe.
Hmm.
Why don't you just call her and ask her? Mmm.
Alas, poor Sue ran afoul of the Greek authorities.
I'm afraid the "Itch" recipe died with her.
Banzai, Mildred.
Damn.
Stirred it a shade too well.
Oh, well, back to the drawing board.
- Yes, Mildred? - Oh.
These questionnaires from the State Bureau of Investigative Services arrived in the mail.
Now, they have to be filled out and returned, postmarked, today.
Here they are.
Now, our building postman will pick up his last mail at 12:00.
So, please remember to fill them out and seal them.
The envelopes are attached.
And give them to him.
Okay? And I'll see you in a couple of hours.
It's a little early for lunch, isn't it? Lunch, schmunch.
I got a hot date.
- Oh! - It's a guy I met at my bowling league.
Mmm.
Mr.
Steele, Miss Holt perhaps you remember me.
Major Descoine.
I trust I haven't come at an inopportune time.
Oh, by all means, Major, please do come in.
Perhaps you'd like a drink, Major, while we're waiting for the police to arrive.
Now, don't let's be inhospitable, Miss Holt.
After all, I have come of my own free will.
You're a very difficult man to track down, Major.
You have given fits to DetectiveJarvis and his men these last few months.
So long as I haven't given you cause for consternation, Mr.
Steele.
Oh, none whatsoever.
I can honestly say that since Miss Holt and I foiled your attempt to frame me for murder I haven't given you a moment's thought.
Well, I'm afraid I'm not here to reminisce.
Indeed, I'm here to celebrate an anniversary.
Today marks three years since the suicide of my darling Lily, for which you are to blame.
All we did was investigate the embezzlement scheme which you and Lily Martin were involved in.
Mmm.
And we're truly sorry that she chose to end her life instead of go to prison.
I thank you for your pity.
But as I said, I'm here for a celebration so why not join in, seeing as how you have no choice.
You're not a well man, Major.
I really do believe that you need help.
I'm not the one who's in need of help.
For to commemorate Lily's death, I intend to bring about your own.
And yours too, Miss Holt.
So, no matter what help you get no matter where you go by 12:00 noon, you'll both be dead.
That is my promise to you.
Ahh.
! Damn.
! Damn.
! Damn! I'm sick and tired of this, Laura.
I'm sick and tired of this bugger coming after us whenever he bloody well feels like it! Let's go after him while the trail is still fresh.
- And his threat to kill us by noon? - Noon today, noon tomorrow.
What's the difference? The only way to ensure our safety is by putting him away once and for all.
Looks like he tore the maker's label off, as well.
There's a faint impression here.
I'll wring his neck.
That's what I'll do.
I'll wring his neck.
- Hair dryer.
Hair dryer.
- Hair dryer.
Here.
Oh, hold on.
Here we go.
Right on there.
Okay.
Cigarette lighter.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
The wonders of a university education, eh? Bel- Bel-Oaks Country Club.
Right across the street.
Convenient, eh? If he bought this there, maybe they have a record of his purchase.
Something that'll help us find him.
Yes.
I just hope he hasn't beaten us there already.
Huh? Because he's already poisoned us, and we're due to die within the next hour? No matter where we go or what we do, we can't escape? - His words.
- If I'm going to die, at the very least, I want the pleasure of wrapping my hands around his throat and taking him with me.
Come on.
And damn the torpedoes.
Excuse me.
How do we get another one of these mufflers? - You two members? - Uh, we're guests of, uh, Mr.
Hamilton's.
I heard his membership lapsed.
Uh, Mr.
Jackson phoned ahead to say that we were on our way.
The line was busy all day.
Stood arm in arm with Grant at Appomattox.
Taught me never to surrender without a fight.
Don't worry.
I'll show him a good time.
Go around the side.
There's a path to the clubhouse.
- You can't miss it.
- Thank you.
It's awfully pretty out here.
I'd appreciate it even more if we weren't in the process of chasing down a raving lunatic who's trying to destroy my life at the very moment I've finally started to make something of it.
Funny how we hold back our confessions until we think it's too late for them to do us any harm.
For your information, Miss Holt, I was not making a confession.
I was merely stating a fact, in which I thought you had some interest.
If we ever get out of this, Mr.
Steele, I wouldn't mind hearing some of those facts.
I'll bear that in mind.
Quarter after.
Time flies when you're having fun.
- Get down! - Fore.
! Happen to see my ball? Must be around here somewhere.
Dangerous thing, this golf, yes? Well, how shocking! Why, someone might have been killed! I must speak to the groundskeeper immediately.
- Yes.
- Well, that's funny.
We're so worried about the major, we almost step into a bear trap.
- Come on, let's go.
- Oh.
Laura, doesn't it strike you as a little odd that the groundskeeper for a golf course in the heart of Los Angeles would be laying out bear traps? Not in the least.
Many areas of the city are terrorized by large, predatory animals.
- Referring to singles bars? - You know, if the major really intends to kill us he'll have to do a lot better than bear traps.
I expect he has something a bit more, uh, terminal in mind.
- Who ordered those headstones? - You'll have to forgive me.
My ears, you know, I- I don't hear so good anymore.
Amazing how a little history lesson can cure the deaf.
Hamilton and Jackson, two of our more renowned audiologists.
Thank you very much.
Much better.
- Now, who ordered these tombstones? - Brown-haired guy.
Kind of- Kind of stocky.
And mumbled a lot too.
Uh, but my battery was runnin' down.
If you hurry, you can catch him.
- Where? - He came right through here, went up that way.
- All right, thank you.
- Okay.
Just a moment.
Hold it! Thank you.
This way.
What's the matter with you two? Didn't you see the warning signs? What signs? There weren't any bloody signs! Like hell there weren't.
A blast knocked that one over, but I know there's one right on top of the hill.
Right where you two came over.
I don't see it right now, but I know it was there.
Uh-Why are you dynamiting here? We're extending the golf course.
Those are gonna be bunkers.
Didn't another man pass through herejust before we did? Just Descoine.
- Major Descoine? - Yeah, my new blast man.
A real demolitions expert.
Learned it in the service.
- Where is he? - Right over there.
Well, he was over there.
- Never can find him when I need him.
- He can't have gone far.
He's here somewhere.
He's gotta be.
Just a few seconds ahead of us.
Huh.
Size nine sound about right? Mmm.
There they go.
Look! And his hat.
! - He must've swum through there! - Uh, or a trick.
Who knows how far that pipe goes underwater before we can get out? - Only one way to find out, eh? - What? Oh.
Neptune's Daughter.
Esther Williams.
MGM.
Oh, dear.
Oh.
Wait.
Wait.
Don't ever do anything like that to me again.
Nothing the matter with a little swim to keep you fit.
The next time you invent Remington Steele, give him gills.
- What is this place anyway? - Come on.
My gun.
My gun.
My gun.
- You got it? Soggy? - A bit damp.
He can't be far ahead.
Are we walking into a trap? Do we really have a choice? Come on.
Okay.
- You better see this.
- Look at this.
And this, here.
- What do you got? - Look at these.
He's been spying on us.
That bloody bugger's been following us all this time! - Gives me the creeps.
- Cream, did you say? It's right here on the tray.
Let's get it while it's hot, shall we? Oh, I'm so sorry.
I feel I know you so well already.
I'm the major's daughter.
We weren't aware the major had any children.
- Just me.
- How much do you know about your father? I know that he's wanted.
I know that he's a genius.
And I know that he's a good man underneath it all.
Then help us find him before he gets into more trouble.
Oh, you don't have to worry about my father, Miss Holt.
Once he kills the two of you, he's through being a criminal, he promised.
Oh.
Hardly in keeping with the lighthearted spirit of the movie, is it? - The movie? - The Major and the Minor.
Ray Milland, Ginger Rogers.
Paramount, 1942.
Mr.
Steele has a great fondness for equating motion pictures with real life.
Oh, I like the movies.
But, Mr.
Steele, surely we can think of a better way for you to fill your final minutes than trading motion picture annotations.
Here, have some tea.
I should have thought, uh, poisoned tea beneath the major's dignity.
He told me you'd be suspicious.
But I assure you.
It's perfectly fit for human consumption.
Just the same, we're not particularly thirsty right now.
It's also quite possible that you've been ingesting small doses of whatever that poison is over some period of time so that by now you're immune to whatever would kill us.
How very droll of you, Mr.
Steele.
That does sound like something out of the movies.
Frankly, if you don't mind my saying so I can't imagine how you managed to defeat Dad not once but twice.
- You must be very lucky.
- Luck being the only thing your father can't plan around.
In the long run, it's better to be good than lucky.
Oh, lemon.
That's what I forgot.
Anything I can get you that you would deign to have? - Mm-mmm.
No, thank you.
No, thank you.
- No, thank you.
Let's grab her.
He won't hit us if he thinks his daughter is in danger, okay? - I'm so glad we had this chance to be together.
- Now! Oh, damn! Oh, good Lord! Shut the door.
The window! Hold on.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Cushions, Laura.
Cushions.
Come on.
Kitchen.
Kitchen.
Oh! No shoes.
Come here.
Put your shoulder- Two are better than one, okay? Give me your foot.
Come here.
Hold on to me.
It's all right.
The minor couldn't have gone out that way.
Lovely trick.
- Like father, like daughter.
- Well we either burn to death or we jump three floors.
I've got an idea.
Come on.
Come with me.
Get the mattress.
- Come on.
Quick.
- Right.
Let's go.
Let's go.
It's getting hot.
Our magic carpet.
All aboard! - Have you ever flown one of these before? - Of course, I have.
Geronimo! Last time I fly coach.
Oh, wow.
Dad's not gonna believe this one.
- I know- I know I'm gonna regret saying this, but come on.
- Yeah.
Jump! Down there.
There.
There she is.
- What time have you got? - Twenty of.
Great.
Shouldn't be so hard to- pardon the expression- "kill" 20 minutes.
- Are you suggesting? - We've lost the major's scent and we're running out of time.
Better to go someplace safe, wait till it's past noon and then regroup with our own plan of attack.
After what we've been through, you really think we'll find a- a safe place? Sure.
There's a little hiding place I used to play in, growing up around here.
Well, he may be following us.
We'll need to find a quick way to cover our tracks.
- Wait.
Go get us a cab.
- What? - I'm gonna call home.
- Okay.
Hello, Mother? Hi, it's Laura.
I didn't realize it was your bridge day.
I won't keep you.
The weather? It's lovely.
How about there? Oh, I'm sorry.
Maybe you ought to move out here.
Right.
I know, you like it where you are.
I'm sure your friends are wonderful.
Who else have you got? I didn't think you needed anybody.
Well, you were always so self-re-you were always so self-reliant.
Well, think how well you handled Dad's leaving.
I meant it as a compliment.
There's nothing wrong with handling adversity well.
I try to do that.
Just one minute.
Right.
Okay.
Okay.
Go get the bell.
No.
I'm fine, really.
Nothing could be better.
Right.
Right.
Go.
Call when you get the chance.
Bye.
Head toward the channel, please.
How's your mother? They're having lousy weather back there.
Well, they always do this time of year, don't they? Here.
I'm not crying because I'm afraid to die.
I'm crying because there have been too many things in my life which were out of my control.
I've had the same grievance myself, now and again.
Don't you realize if it were left to me, I would make everything right for everyone? If it were up to me, I would leave it up to you.
You're just saying that to make me stop crying.
It worked, didn't it? Look, Laura, there are only two ways to go through life like you, the mathematics student expecting to find your universe in perfect working order demanding too much of yourself and everyone around you finding yourself disappointed at every turn.
Or like me, the wanderer entitled to nothing, not even parents finding myself pleasantly surprised when something does go right or somebody pats me on the back instead of kicking me in the teeth.
Where do you get the strength to try when you don't think you'll succeed? And where do you find the strength to pick yourself up time and time again when you let yourself down? I believe in myself.
And I believe in whoever I am at the moment.
And when that doesn't work anymore, I become someone else.
Teach me that, will you? And then maybe we can run away from all this mess.
I was hoping you'd, uh, teach me how to stand and fight.
Mm-hmm.
Uh-oh.
Bandit at 7:00.
Pull into that car wash over there.
Okay! That's all right.
We'll stay in here.
Don't you think you might be better off in a motel? This is so much more exciting.
Uh-huh.
- Hey, five-eight to Bennie.
- This is Bennie, go ahead.
You're not gonna believe this.
Pulled into the car wash came out the other end, and the couple that was in was gone.
Why didn't we think of this sooner? I've thought about it often.
Wouldn't have been such a bad way to spend our last hour.
Regrets, Mr.
Steele? Mmm.
Only that sometimes I didn't live up to the Remington Steele that you had in mind.
I won't hold it against you.
You're supposed to say that I'm everything he's supposed to be and more.
If I said that, it would go to your head.
Then you'd cease to be what I just said you were.
Thank you, Miss Holt, for protecting me from myself.
Anytime, Mr.
Steele.
Make a right over there, please.
Okay.
The place hasn't changed since I was a kid.
That's where we played, in the run-off tunnels.
Here you go.
Right.
Thank you very much.
Aah.
Ooh! Aah! Doesn't seem the safest place for kids.
That's why it was so much fun.
Just a few more minutes and we're home free.
I hope you're not afraid- of the dark.
No, this is the first time since Descoine showed up that I've really felt safe.
You want a fair fight, Descoine, I'm right here.
Let's have it.
Come on.
Come on.
! Do you hear me? But let Miss Holt go.
You've no quarrel with her.
Don't listen to him, Descoine.
I'm the one you want.
I was the one who did all the legwork on the Lily Martin case.
Mr.
Steele wasn't- He was out of town at the time! The fear.
Feel it, Mr.
Steele, Miss Holt rising up out of the pit of your stomach into your throat, pounding in your brain choking off your breath.
Feel it.
Feel the fear.
It'll be the last thing you feel.
Let's get the bugger.
There was a time when I knew each of these by name.
I'd just as soon you didn't renew your acquaintance.
Come on.
Shine the light over there.
Oh, my God.
! He's stolen one of my old diaries.
Happen to mention this place in it? - Huh? - Oh, geez.
Laura, look out! Apparently, the major intends to kill us at noon and not a moment sooner.
Blanks.
- Come here! - Get him! This time you're mine, Descoine! Get him! Come here, you bugger! Come here.
Come here, you bugger! - Come here! Come here! - I'd think twice about violence, Mr.
Steele.
It's not a pretty path to go down.
The wisdom of experience, eh? I've been waiting for this moment for such a long time! Get down there.
- Don't kill him! - Give me one good reason why not! I'll give you six good reasons, and each one has a hundred and thirty-five grains oflead.
! Just let him go, bud.
Step back real slow.
Hands on your head! Are we glad to see you! Which one of you is Descoine? Thank you for coming so promptly, Sergeant.
All right.
Let's get up here.
First, you.
Then, you.
And keep your hands where I can see them.
Descoine, you wait there till I get 'em cuffed.
You came just in time, Sergeant.
A few more moments, and it'd have been all over for me.
I told you, Descoine.
When you get a death threat, let the police handle it.
We're the ones that got the death threats, from him! Then why did he call to say someone was threatening to kill him here at noon? And why did I see you with your hands around his neck? This must have been his plan all along.
- He was gonna ambush us on our way to the police station.
- Uh-huh.
Or at the jail.
Come on.
- Ooh! - That's it.
Sorry, Officer.
Don't move! Don't move! Don't move! Don't move! Listen.
You have to understand.
Call DetectiveJarvis of Homicide and tell him Major Descoine is trying to kill Remington Steele.
Just give me the gun, and everything will be all right.
Don't do anything you'll regret.
It's no good, Laura.
He's not gonna listen to us.
- Get up here, Descoine! I got it.
- Descoine! - He's back in the tunnels! - Descoine! Descoine! He may have an armory down there.
We'll go back to the office, callJarvis.
If they want to arrest us, we'll wait for them there.
- At least it'll be past noon.
Come on.
- All right.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Ohh.
Oh-ho.
We made it.
But we did it, Laura.
Not quite.
Good-bye, Mr.
Steele.
Good-bye, Miss Holt.
Open it.
Damn it! It's secure.
Try your office door.
It's got one of these things too! Nice, safe, high-rise windows.
So you can't accidentally break them and fall out.
Wonderful.
This thing won't shut off! Here.
Cover it with this.
- Perhaps the air conditioner will work.
- No, no! That'll only blow the gas around the room.
Unless somehow- wait a minute-we can reverse it.
- Have you done it? - I think we've got it.
Okay.
It's working.
Come on.
- Oh! - You okay? What's this? I found- Oh, my goodness.
- What happened? - Don't ask, Mildred.
Just don't- don't ask.
- Well, are you all right? - Yes.
Date hot enough for you, Mildred? Oh, he was a gutter ball, Mr.
Steele.
He tried to sell me insurance.
Sorry I'm a few minutes late, folks.
Got something for me? - Yes.
- Just a second.
Uno momento.
What? Alpha-chloroacetophenone.
Isn't that non-toxic? Yes.
What are you doing? My apologies.
But you can never be too careful where the major's concerned.
The gas wouldn't have killed us, but this would.
And it's a particularly ugly death.
The glue was laced with a combination of toxins commonly referred to as "the destroying angel.
" Very slow-acting.
It would've been hours before we realized that we'd been poisoned.
- And by that time- - By that time, the murder weapon would have been mailed back to the murderer.
The ultimate conceit.
So, you don't have anything for me after all? On the contrary.
Did I miss something? May I help you? Is today's mail all up yet? I'm expecting something.
Box 233.
Anything back there for 233? Two-tree-tree? You got it.
Uh, State Bureau of Investigative Service.
Huh.
- You work with them, hmm? - Something like that.
- Oh.
- Oh.
Must be awfully exciting, being a private eye, I mean.
I wouldn't know.
I'm just a clerk who minds his own business.
- What's this? - The war is over, Major.
- Run, kid! - Stop her, Mildred.
! Hai.
! You rotten kid! Nothing.
Nothing.
These Descoines certainly have a way of vanishing, don't they? But we always return, Mr.
Steele.
You can count on it.
See you around, Major, in about 10 years.
Mwah! Huh? Ouch.
Ouch.
Perhaps we ought to get away for a while, eh? I know this quaint little bar on Mykonos.