Remington Steele (1982) s04e20 Episode Script

Beg, Borrow or Steele

I don't think I've ever been this hungry.
- Out of grub.
- We're not leaving here until we get a meal! - How much money you got, Mildred? - Only got three bucks.
Well, it seems a trip to the track is in order.
- I need a hundred.
- The minute I give this to you, you owe me 25 more.
That's it.
I'm going to the police.
You wouldn't perchance have any, uh, spare change we could borrow? - It's me, Laura! - You sick, perverted pig! Next time we're invited to a weekend wedding bash in New York remind me not to eat everything in sight.
Certainly took quite a bite out of the Big Apple.
Ate everything except the worm, I'd say.
Just the lady's bags.
Thank you very much.
Nothing personal, Laura.
I just don't think I've got the energy to coax you into a romantic interlude tonight.
It's all right.
I don't think I have the energy to thwart your attempts anyway.
Oh, well.
On the other hand, I, uh think I just got my second wind.
See you in the morning.
Yes, of course.
The morning.
Why break tradition, eh? Mmm.
Hello- Laura? - You? - What are you doing here? I thought you didn't have any energy.
I didn't until I was greeted by a police barricade at my front door.
- Just like they've got here.
- Must be an epidemic.
I've got the same decorations on my door.
Get up.
Shh, shh, shh! Come in here.
Why are we hiding? This is our office.
Remember? Uh-huh.
It appears two people were murdered in my living room.
What? Ah.
He's undoubtedly gonna summon the authorities.
- Come on.
- Why? We've done nothing wrong.
Well, you and I know that but given the circumstances, how can we be certain that anybody else does? I'd like to find out who those bodies are before we compare notes with the police.
Come on.
Does anyone besides me have a set of keys to your place? Most of the people I know wouldn't need a set of keys to my place.
- This is hardly the time for jokes.
- Who's joking? I don't have a bloody clue who would've been in my apartment.
- Our main priority is to get in touch with Mildred.
- I already tried.
She's not home.
All I'm saying is I don't know what we're going to accomplish out here on the streets.
I still think we should call the p- Well, don't just stand there.
Pick the lock.
- Hurry up.
- I'm hurrying.
I'm hurrying.
All right.
And in sports, the big story remains that missing pick six ticket worth over one and a half million dollars.
It's been three days now, and track officials not to mention the I.
, are wondering where that lucky person who picked all six winning horses, is hiding.
Here you go.
Get this-There.
- Oh, give me that.
- I've seen this one- And police still aren't saying whether or not they have any leads in the brutal murders of famed private investigator Remington Steele and his secretary, Laura Holt both shotgunned to death earlier today in Mr.
Steele's apartment.
Memorial services are scheduled for Wednesday at Cowan Mortuary.
Well, at least we're newsworthy.
Newsworthy? We've just been declared dead.
- Mmm.
- And one of us a secretary.
Really, Laura.
This is no time to be petty.
And wrapping up our series on precious gems tonight we look at Royal Lavulite the newest, rarest gemstone in the world of fine jewelry.
Its vibrant violet color makes it totally unique among natural gemstones.
How poetic.
The story that brought us together follows the news of our deaths.
- I suggest we conduct our postmortems elsewhere.
- Yep.
Thank you.
Thank you.
What makes them think we were the ones who were murdered? And who were the actual victims? Well, if we are dead this must be hell.
- What are you doing? - Calling my sister.
What are you doing? Saving our hides, along with your sister's.
I just wanted her to know I'm alive.
Laura, we can't let anyone know we're alive until we find out who wanted us dead.
Somebody out there thinks they've murdered us.
If they find out they've made a mistake, we're sitting ducks.
In the meantime we're supposed to play possum? They couldn't have followed us here from the TV store, could they? Perhaps they want to find out who's using a dead man's credit card.
Let's not stick around and explain.
Come on.
- Where are we gonna go? - Someplace nice and warm and cozy.
Nothing quite like a good night's sleep, eh? I can't believe I spent the entire night in a porno movie house.
Yeah, well, I'll admit it's not exactly the Ritz-Carlton, but- I don't understand how you could get any sleep with all that moaning and groaning going on.
Well, no need to apologize, Laura.
I could hardly hear you.
Besides, where else could you spend the night on $10, eh? If you'd carry more cash, we wouldn't have had to find out.
I never carry cash.
Too bulky.
Hopefully the police will have lifted the barricade by now.
Then we can catch up with Mildred at the office and find out what's going on.
Oh, poor Mildred.
It appears she's preparing a wake in our memory.
- Ex-client? - Not that I remember.
You must be in terrible pain.
They were very special to me.
Well, anyway, uh, Steele was supposed to be holding a package for me.
Uh, do you happen to know anything about it? Who are you? Must be from your side.
My most heartfelt condolences, Miss Krebs.
Name's Phil.
Most know me as Pittsburgh Phil.
I was curious as to whether or not Mr.
Steele left me an envelope or something.
Not that I'm aware of.
Must be from your side.
I'm Sister Natalie.
I just want to express my deepest sympathies to you.
Thank you, Sister.
Did you know them well? Actually, I never met them.
However, I was wondering if Mr.
Steele might have left a little something for the church.
I don't think Mr.
Steele was much of a religious man.
Well, they're short enough, but I think they're too old to be your sister's kids.
Excuse me, Sister.
Devastating loss.
Aren't you Alejandro Pasquel, the jockey? - Oh, you're a horse racing fan? - Oh, not as much as the boss was.
Oh, how he used to love the ponies.
Is that where you knew him from? More or less.
Uh, my fellow jockeys and myself are under the impression that Mr.
Steele might have left us- Oh.
Let me guess.
An envelope, a package or something? - Yes.
- No.
Well, it's heartwarming to realize how well loved we are, isn't it? Such a sad occasion.
By the way, do you know if Mr.
Steele was holding a particular item for me? Talk to the short guy.
Finally a friendly face.
You mean a familiar face.
If he sees us, we're dead.
Well, you know what I mean.
- How are we going to contact Mildred? - Hmm.
- It's an interesting array of people.
- Greedy too.
From the looks of them, I guess most of them must have known Mr.
All but the nun, of course.
You seem to be bearing up fairly well, Mildred.
I don't have much choice, DetectiveJarvis.
I lost the only two shoulders I could cry on.
I realize it's not a good time to get into it, but, uh have you had any other thoughts at all as to who might have wanted to kill them? Who knows? It could have been any one of those lowlifes they put away over the years.
So you're saying revenge was the motive? What else could it be? So, do you have any suspects? I'm still waiting for a lead to pan out.
But I have narrowed the list considerably.
Remington Steele- - Hello.
- Mildred? It's me, Laura! You sick, perverted pig! Oh! What did she say? That I'm a sick, perverted pig.
Mildred, they're just crank calls.
It happens all the time with celebrities.
That's what brings those people out.
Try not to let them get to you.
DetectiveJarvis here.
Is, uh- Is Miss Krebs there, please? - Who's calling? - Uh, Cowan Mortuary.
- Hello.
- Uh, yes, Mildred Krebs? Uh, this is Cowan Mortuary.
It seems we, um- Well, it seems we misplaced Laura Holt's urn.
Her urn? She wasn't supposed to be cremated.
Well, that's what we'd like to see you about straightaway.
I'm on my way.
Oh, my! Oh! Misplace my urn? Yeah, well, don't worry, Laura.
I'm sure it'll show up.
Shall we? Hello? Anybody home? Hello? Hell- Long time no see, Mildred.
Mildred? Oh, Mildred.
There you go.
Come on.
Don't take it to heart.
There you go.
Come on.
- That's it.
Here you go.
- There you go.
Oh, Mildred.
- Here you go.
That's it.
- Mildred.
- Breathe.
That's it.
Everything's okay.
- You all right? - Am I dead? - No.
No, Mildred.
We're alive.
You-You're alive? You are alive! Oh! - Hey! Mildred, there you go.
- Oh! Oh! But- But I don't understand.
How? Death Takes a Holiday.
Fredric March, Evelyn Venable.
Steele, please.
But I saw you both lying in the boss's apartment, dead.
How could you identify those two people as us? There wasn't much to identify.
I mean, their faces were all but gone.
He was wearing your monogrammed robe.
And she was in a negligee.
She was wearing a negligee, and you still thought it was Miss Holt? It was your apartment.
The question is, who were they and what were they doing at his apartment? Yeah.
And what do five jockeys, a guy named Pittsburgh Phil and a nun have to do with it? All right.
I'll bite.
What do five jockeys a fella by the name of Pittsburgh Phil and a nun have to do with it? No.
I'm asking.
I mean, them and some other shady characters were all at your wake.
- We saw them.
- They all seemed to think you had something for them- an envelope or a package.
- I figured you knew them.
- No.
But perhaps they knew the victims.
Who had the envelope or package they all wanted.
Which everybody now thinks I have because where the victims died.
Which means that we may not have been the intended targets after all.
However, if the murderer thinks we have what he's after- We've gotta find out who the victims are and what everybody is looking for.
Jarvis gave me the personal effects off your- I mean the victims' bodies.
They're at the office.
Come on.
If we don't solve this case soon I'm going to have to have these clothes surgically removed.
- Well, you both are getting a little ripe.
- Mm-hmm.
Speaking of ripe, we could use a hot meal.
How much money you got, Mildred? Let me see.
I only got three bucks.
How could you have only three dollars? - Tomorrow's payday.
Remember? - What about credit cards? - Yeah.
Take my bank card.
- Oh.
I'm over my limit on that one.
Try this one.
No, no.
That one too.
- Not exactly a bonanza, is it? - Okay.
- Give me a couple of hours.
I'll see what I can rustle up.
- All right.
As soon as we're finished here, Mildred, we'll rendezvous at your place.
Here are the belongings.
I couldn't open them.
Not much here.
Oh, poor Freddy.
An old friend of mine.
I suspect the girl he was with was his lady friend.
How in the world could you know all that? The word inscribed on the inside.
" It means master pickpocket.
That was Freddy.
- This ring meant a lot to him, I know.
- Mildred.
Mildred, are you here? It's DetectiveJarvis.
There you are.
Ah, listen.
I just came to tell you that that last lead I was hoping for panned out.
It proves that the murderer had to be someone close to Mr.
Steele and Miss Holt.
Someone that they would recognize when they opened the door that fateful night.
- Uh-huh.
- It also, though, uh narrows down the motive, which you feel is revenge? - Mm-hmm.
- Yes? But, you see all of the criminals that Mr.
Steele has put away are still behind bars, Mildred.
So it couldn't be revenge.
Money had to be the motive.
Then the question became who would gain the most financially from their deaths.
I was curious to hear who he thinks murdered us.
Let's just wait here until Mildred tells us the coast is clear.
It had to be someone who was familiar with their personal affairs.
Someone who stood to benefit from their corporate life insurance policies to the tune of $1 million apiece.
- Wait a minute! You- - That's right.
You are the beneficiary, Mildred.
And you're under arrest for the murders of Remington Steele and Laura Holt.
I couldn't.
I mean, they're- they're not even really- "You have the right to remain silent.
"If you give up the right to remain silent "anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.
You have the right to have an attorney present"- I never thought I'd miss Fred and the limo so much.
What I'd give for a nice, long, hot shower right now.
Well, if you had to give more than a dollar, I'm afraid you'd be out of luck.
I still don't understand where Mildred disappeared to but wherever she went, she'd better have cash in hand when we meet her at her place.
Tell me a little bit more about this friend of yours we're meeting.
What's her connection to Freddy? Hey.
Watch where you're going, will ya? Oh.
Doesn't anybody carry cash anymore? Freddy and Candy are both pickpockets.
That's the connection.
Meet my partner in reincarnation, Laura Holt.
Nice to meet you.
I think.
So, Harry, uh, what's goin'on? Is this another one of your scams, or did some poor sap take your bullets by accident? Freddy.
Oh, God.
Jennifer too.
Do you have any idea what they were doing at Mr.
- uh, at Harry's apartment in the first place? Freddy and I were both workin' the track last week and I don't know what got into his head, but he saw the local loan shark heading for the betting window and picked his pocket.
I mean, he just walked up to him and picked him clean.
- I couldn't believe he even tried it.
- Uh, by chance, uh the loan shark's name wouldn't be Pittsburgh Phil, would it? Freddy didn't tell me what the take was, but the way he was acting, I knew it was big.
I mean big.
For some reason, though, he thought he needed your help, Harry.
He went over to your place, but you weren't home, and- I remember because he called up lookin' forJennifer to come party with him until you got back.
He should never have messed with Phil.
He knew better than that, the jerk.
Apparently he didn't.
Well, it, uh- It seems a trip to the track is in order, doesn't it? Uh- Uh, Candy, you wouldn't perchance have any, uh spare change we could borrow, would you? No, no, no.
I want to know is Señor Steele o Señora Holt in mi casa, por favor? What do you mean, no? Well, where the hell are they? Uh, well, never mind.
Uh, I'll try somewhere else.
I gotta make another call.
You only get one call, Mildred.
But that was my housekeeper.
It's a strange call to make.
Most people call their lawyers.
- But- - Mildred.
And they're off! I can't believe I had to hock my necklace just so we could get in this place.
It was either that or hock your body.
And given our current hygienic state, I suspect your necklace was the best move.
If we would have taken the bus instead of a cab, I wouldn't have had to make this choice.
What are we going to hock for food? I'm not gonna get anything for these earrings.
Pittsburgh Phil, I presume.
Ifhe's really the one that killed Freddy and Jennifer, why was he at our wake? He still must be looking for whatever it was that Freddy lifted from him.
So, how do we get close enough to find out what it was? Why not ask him for a loan? That's a- Hmm.
That's what I love about you, Laura.
You're always willing to stick my neck out.
I've got nothing else worth hocking.
Remember? You look beautiful.
Now beat it.
Uh, I need a hundred.
- Why? - Uh, a friend of mine died.
I need to bury him.
- How do I know you're good for it? - Hey, I'm good for it.
Do you think Candy would have sent me to you if I wasn't? Hmm? - The minute I give this to you, you owe me 25 more.
- Okay.
Now I can bury Freddy Lazenby, eh? Freddy Lazenby? You remember Freddy! He's the guy you splattered all over my living room carpet, along with his girlfriend, eh? - Freddy's dead? - Oh, yeah.
Wait a minute! Your living- - You're Steele! - That's right.
Jake! Tony! Oh! I don't know what kind of game you and Freddy are playin but I want that ticket he lifted from me, and I want it back now! What? What are you talking about? What ticket? Take this slimeball someplace quiet and if he doesn't cough up that pick six ticket, put a bullet between his eyes.
- Are you all right? - Oh, yes.
Couldn't be better.
- Couldn't be better.
- Come on.
- Wasn't he at our wake? - Follow that mourner.
My children, please.
This is the Lord's home.
- Sorry.
- My name is Laura Holt.
This is Remington Steele.
You were at our wake yesterday.
So was the man who came in here.
Laura Holt? - Remington Steele? - Uh-huh.
Oh, thank God you're both alive.
Thank you very much, Sister, but two other people are dead.
And if we don't find out who's responsible soon, you might find yourself at our funeral yet.
I know my brother has lost his way, but I also know he- he couldn't be involved in a murder.
- Is your brother the man we followed in here? - Yes.
He thought he was being chased by a loan shark.
Why were the two of you at the wake? We were hoping to find the missing ticket.
- What ticket? - The unclaimed $1.
5 million pick six ticket, if I'm not mistaken.
The one we heard about on the news- That's what Freddy picked from Pittsburgh Phil's pocket.
- Pittsburgh Phil took it from my brother, who owed him money.
- How did your brother get it? He went through my purse looking for money and found it there.
Doesn't the church frown on nuns playing pick six? Oh, no.
I was only holding the ticket for Michael Harrigan.
This ticket has seen more hands than a palm reader.
Michael Harrigan's in the A.
program that I run here at the church.
Well, you see, he placed the bet for some friends but then when it came up a winner, he was tempted to cash it in for himself.
- Uh-huh.
- I talked him into giving it to me for safekeeping.
I- I just can't believe that this has all somehow led to murder.
Uh, Sister do you have any idea where we might be able to find this Michael Harrigan? Well, if the nun is right Harrigan should be doing his penance by dishing out food inside.
I don't think I've ever been this cold and hungry in my life.
I have, and I swore I never would be again.
- How much money do we have left? - Oh, two or three dollars.
After we eat, we'll get in touch with Mildred and see what she has for us.
- Remember.
First the food, then the questions.
- Mm-hmm.
No cuts, you bum! Easy, Laura.
Easy, Laura.
I'm sure there's enough gruel for everyone.
You certain Pittsburgh Phil was surprised when he saw you were alive? So surprised that if he ever sees me again, he'll probably kill me.
We just have to trace the path of the ticket backwards until we find out who does have it.
- Which leads us right back to Michael Harrigan.
- More importantly, food! - Out of grub.
- Wh-Wh-Wh-What do you mean? What are you, deaf? Get here earlier next time.
Do you realize how long we've been standing in this line? Do you realize how long we've been standing in this line? Do you think we're doing this just for fun? Do you know where we can find Michael Harrigan? Didn't show up tonight.
All right? You listen to me, you oversized, stone-hearted ape! Do you know where we can find him? We're not leaving here until we get a meal! Probably gettin' smashed at the track club.
I don't mean a scrawny piece of bread.
I mean a full-course, well-balanced, gut-stuffing- Feel better? Unconscionable, Mildred not at home.
Where is that woman? Probably out to dinner.
If we ever find that ticket, what do you say we cash it in and stay dead in the Bahamas for the rest of our lives just you and me, eh? - Is that your foot on my leg? - Nope.
Something crawling on it.
That's it.
I'm going to the police.
I'm going to tell them I'm alive.
Then I'm gonna go home I'm gonna take a hot shower, and then I'm gonna eat something.
Then I'm gonna climb into my bed - in my loft, and go to sleep.
- All right.
- For a week.
- Okay.
That's exactly what you should do, Laura.
But I owe it to Freddy to find out who killed him and I can't do that if I announce I'm alive.
Freddy was my friend, and this is my problem, not yours.
Well, it's unfair that I ask you to stay here anyway.
So- Okay.
Go home.
Stop hogging the bed.
Don't get too comfortable.
It appears the nun's brother has sold his soul to the devil.
Come on.
Quick! - What is it? What's wrong? What's wrong? - I'm okay.
- Huh? - I'm okay.
- What is it? - It was just a horrible nightmare.
- Huh? - Oh.
- Oh, God.
- I dreamed someone was chasing us, and we had no place to go.
So we-We had to spend the night- We had to spend the night - under a freeway.
- Okay.
All right.
Well, just- Perhaps if we go back to sleep we'll wake up in our own bedrooms next time.
There's only one way we're going to wake up in our own bedrooms.
And that's to get to the bottom of this elusive pick six ticket once and for all.
Yes, well your good friend in the food line said that Harrigan's a regular at the track club.
Perhaps if we go back to sleep, we might wake up later on and just go- Laura, where are you going? Oh, Laura.
D- Oh, my neck.
Oh, Laura, please.
I want to confess everything.
I can't handle another night in that cell.
Are you all set, Sally? I'm all ears, Mildred.
Here goes.
Now, I know you're not gonna believe this but Mr.
Steele and Miss Holt aren't really dead.
- They're not? - No.
It was a pickpocket and his girlfriend that were murdered, not them.
A pickpocket and his girlfriend? See, I didn't know that Mr.
Steele and Miss Holt were really still alive until they lured me down to the mortuary.
It was Mr.
Steele who called me on the phone in the office.
Steele misplaced Laura Holt's urn? Yes.
I mean, no.
The point is that Mr.
Steele thinks that the nun the loan shark, the five jockeys and all those other guys are somehow connected to the pickpocket.
- It won't work, Mildred.
- What do you mean? What won't work? Claiming insanity.
I am officially booking you right now on two counts of first-degree murder.
All right, Mr.
- Snap out of it.
- Hey.
Come on.
Come on.
Wake up.
- Well, it appears our deaths were more than he could handle.
- What? What do you want? We want to know what you know about that pick six ticket you purchased last week.
Whom did you buy it for? They trusted me.
Everybody used to trust me.
When I was a big shot around here, they all looked up to me.
Forget the sob story, Harrigan.
Who'd you place the bet for? I should've done what they asked me to.
I shouldn't have given it to that sister.
They were all my buddies, and they trusted me.
We're not gonna get much more out of him, are we? No wonder he lost all his stables.
Hardly a man capable of killing anyone.
Which leaves us our five jockeys in mourning.
What are the odds that those five jockeys alternated riding the winning horses on all six picks? The exact same odds that those five jockeys are guilty of murder.
- Hello.
- Hi.
- Hey, haven't I seen you two somewhere before? - Maybe at the wake yesterday? Oh, that's right.
You two were dead.
That's right.
The name's Steele.
Remington Steele.
And we know you fixed the races by getting Harrigan to place the bet for you only Harrigan gave up the winning ticket.
Which ultimately forced you and your cohorts to murder two people to get that ticket back.
Murder? N-No way.
Oh! Oh! Leave him alone.
Back off, guys.
Oh! I don't know why you two are pretending to be dead and I don't know who it is you say was murdered, but we didn't kill anybody.
Then what were you doing at the wake? Just like everybody else- hoping to find the ticket.
Word on the street was some pickpocket came to Mr.
Steele to get him to cash the ticket.
When we found out that you were dead we figured your pickpocket friend would come to pay his last respects.
Are you saying you don't have the ticket? It wouldn't do us any good anyway.
None of us could cash it in.
Not with all the publicity that the track gives its pick six winners.
That's why we went to Harrigan in the first place.
- Do you realize what this means? - Yes.
It means we were murdered for no good reason.
We've made contact with everybody even remotely related to that ticket - and no one seems to have it.
- Mm-hmm.
Unless- Unless somebody actually does have the ticket.
What better way not to be considered a suspect than to pretend not to have the ticket? And with all the anticipated publicity the ticket holder would have to find some clever way of cashing it in - without letting everybody know about it.
- The question still remains who's got the bloody ticket? Or better yet who's no longer looking for it? Oh.
No one that drunk could have crawled out of here that fast.
Unless Harrigan wasn't that drunk to begin with.
- Mmm.
It's water.
- Which means he's going to try to cash the ticket- Been lookin' all over for you, Mr.
Now, where is that ticket? How can I get it through your thick skull that I don't have- Police! Drop the gun! Oh.
I never thought I'd be glad to see you, Jarvis.
Thank you.
You can thank Mildred, not me.
To prove you were both alive, she had me expedite the fingerprinting of the real murder victims.
You two look terrible.
It's great to see you too, Mildred.
Where have you been? Well, I was- Hey.
Wasn't that guy at the wake? There he is.
Stop him! He's getting away with a million and a half dollars! Excuse me.
Mind your back.
Mind your back.
Mind your back.
Make way! Make way! - Mind your back, please.
Mind your back.
Sorry, sir.
- Hey.
Excuse me.
He's dead.
And the money's gone.
How can that be? He's the bad guy.
We've already decided that.
He's apparently not the only one.
Stop that nun! All right, Sister.
Candy! I think you've killed enough friends for one week, Candy.
Wait a minute.
She wasn't at the wake.
How come she wound up with the loot? - Check her.
She should have the ticket too.
- Candy, Candy.
Come here.
Go on.
Come on.
Harrigan told me that a nun had won the pick six.
He convinced me that if the media ever got hold of that the church would suffer.
So I got the money together, and I was gonna follow him to the nun so we could quietly exchange it for the ticket.
Freddy was your friend.
You know that, don't you? Don't say a word.
Don't say anything.
Go on.
Get out of here.
Take her away.
Look on the bright side, Mr.
- We're alive again.
- That's true.
That's true.
All Candy had to do was to follow Freddy's girlfriend to where Freddy was and get the ticket herself.
She didn't strike me as the murdering kind though.
I don't understand that myself.
I guess greed got the better of her.
Candy sent us to Pittsburgh Phil knowing full well how he'd react to seeing us alive.
Where she had ample time to bribe poor old Harrigan into using his track connections - to help her to cash the ticket in without undue publicity.
- Mmm.
Unfortunately for Harrigan, greed got the better of her again.
Ironic, isn't it? We spent the last two days with hardly a penny in our pocket and all because of a ticket worth well over a million dollars.
It's amazing how little we can survive on if we really have- Is that your foot on my leg? Mm-hmm.