Remington Steele (1982) s05e01 Episode Script

The Steele That Wouldn't Die

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join in holy matrimony these two frauds! This whole thing stinks, Holt.
The only reason you're marrying Steele is to keep him from being deported.
This marriage is a sham, the groom's a phony, and I'm gonna prove it.
Don't you just love weddings? I just hope I can get this one to stand up in my report.
How are we gonna keep this up for two years? By being the happiest married couple in America.
But we're not really married, you conniving con man! This is the worst day of my life.
This is the worst day of my life.
Laura? Laura? Laura! Where were you? Closer to hell than I've ever been.
I spoke too soon.
- There we go.
- Oh, how romantic.
Yes.
- I'll see what I can rustle up in the kitchen.
- Cervezas.
What a lovely apartment this is, Mr.
Steele.
Is this where the two of you are planning to live? - Yes.
- No.
- No.
- Yes.
Actually, yes and no.
We're gonna live here but we're gonna redo the entire place, yeah now that Laura's the little woman.
Mmm! Yeah, she's got definite ideas about the decor.
I'm very partial to Scotch plaid.
That's a wonderful suggestion.
Yes, yes.
Add a bit of color to these drab old bachelor digs, eh? What do you think, my love? - I think I'll freshen up a bit.
- Mmm.
Mmm.
Good idea.
Thinkin' about the Scotch plaid? Don't you ever call me the "little woman" again.
Merely a figure of speech, Laura.
I am not your little woman.
I'm not anybody's little woman.
If we're gonna look married, we have to act married.
If that means making goo-goo sounds and mooning over Scotch plaid every time someone's around, let's forget it.
Laura- Laura, look.
You're tired.
You're-You're- And you're absolutely- I mean, you're filthy, and, um- You smell like a crab salad.
Take a bath in there.
You'll feel much better.
Just don't use my razor on your legs.
It nicks the blades.
- Good idea.
- You're going the wrong way.
I'm going home to take a bath in my tub, to nick my razors.
Plenty of time for that just as soon as we convince our immigration lady out there that we're sincerely and irrevocably married.
Why did I ever agree to this? Because you don't wanna see me deported.
You don't want to see me deported, do you? I'm thinking.
I'm thinking.
Laura, if you remember, I didn't wanna get you involved in this charade.
You volunteered.
I know.
That was always my problem, even as a child.
I had my hand up for every thankless task, every dirty job.
Eager little Laura, first in line to please.
Look, I know it's not gonna be easy or particularly enjoyable.
However, somehow, we'll get through it.
After all, we carried off the myth of Remington Steele's existence for all these years.
So a simple thing like a bogus marriage should be a piece of cake.
Look on the bright side.
After a couple of years, we can get a divorce.
Now you're talking.
In case I haven't said it before, thank you.
Okay.
Let's go out and talk Scotch plaid.
But if anybody gives me a silver pattern, I'm going to cream them.
That's my little woman- trouper.
Hmm? Remember, hap-hap-happy.
- Congratulations! - Thank you.
Do we have any more beer? 'Cause we're running dangerously low.
No, I'm sorry.
Listen, Juan, do you know "The Party's Over"? - ¿Qué? - Don't worry.
I'll send you the sheet music.
- Guys, here's the door right over here.
- Mas cervezas.
No mas cervezas.
Okay, senor.
Okay, well, it's been really lovely.
- Ah! - Yeah, there you go.
A wedding present.
Oh.
You shouldn't have.
Every time we look at it, we'll think of you.
I'd invite you in, Keyes, but I just had the carpet cleaned.
You're still crackin'jokes, huh, Steele? Well, let me tell you something.
I'm in the last laugh business, and I'm gonna have it on all of you.
This farce you call a marriage is gonna cost you five years in the federal pen and your investigator's license and your job.
So just keep listenin', pretty boy, because that's me you're gonna hear laughin' when you're on your way to Leavenworth.
It's a party favor.
Now, vamoose.
Vamoose.
- Adios.
- Adios.
Adios, amigos.
Adios.
Thank you.
- That man is despicable! - I could take a bat to that piñata head of his.
Now, it's okay.
No need to let Keyes ruin such a joyous occasion.
So if you don't mind, Mrs.
Steele and I - would like to get a jump on our honeymoon activities.
- Where are you going? - Going? - On your honeymoon.
- Um- - Well, uh, we haven't actually made any specific plans.
Yeah, we thought we'd just let the spirit move us, you know? You heard Keyes.
The man is relentless.
He has raised such a stink about this marriage that my superiors are breathing down my neck which means I'm gonna be looking over your shoulder.
Now, I recommend you have this honeymoon right away, Mr.
Steele.
And take lots of pictures.
- I got it.
- What? - That's my wedding present.
- No, Mildred.
No, no, no.
I said the honeymoon is on me.
Remind me to give Mildred a raise when we get back from Mexico.
I'm certain it's just a small problem in communication.
- Excuse me, miss? - Seafood surprise, or chunky beef? Actually, there-There seems to be a mix-up in our seating.
Are there any openings in first class? I will check, but I doubt there were any cancellations.
Don't say that word.
Never mind.
It's a sore subject.
I thought Mildred said there'd be a limousine waiting for us.
Oh, there we are, I think.
Hello.
I believe you're looking for us.
Um, Steele.
We are Steele.
- Uh-huh.
- ¿Comprende? Sí.
It's all right.
We'll get the bags.
Don't worry.
Well, I certainly hope the limousine's nicer than the driver.
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.
Paul Newman, Robert Redford.
What about it? This looks exactly like the place where Butch and Sundance died.
Mr.
Steele, now is not the time for nostalgia.
Sí.
Laura, why are all those people- Malvados.
- What's a malvado? - I'm not sure.
But I don't think it's good.
Somehow, I never imagined our honeymoon any other way.
Remind me to fire Mildred if we ever survive this.
- Take a number.
- Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
- Buenos días, señores.
- Hi.
- You are the Steeles, no? - Yes.
How did you know? We have been expecting you.
Welcome to the Hotel of Love.
- Sign, please.
- The Hotel of Love? There are, uh, telephones in the rooms, I trust? Oh, no, señor.
- Oh.
- Then where is the nearest phone? - Las Hadas.
- Uh-huh.
And where's that? - Thirty miles.
- Thirty miles? You have the penthouse suite.
Enjoy.
What's that? Mosquito netting? Every jungle has mosquitoes.
Okay.
Okay.
All right.
Okay.
Peso for your thoughts.
- Nothing.
- Oh.
I was just thinking why we put up with all this why it never seems to get any easier.
You mean why we just don't give up and, uh, go our separate ways? Have any answers? I, uh- I don't think you wanna get into that.
Try me.
Okay.
Why do we always draw the line at the bedroom door? I don't know.
I guess the timing's never been quite right.
When one of us was ready, the other wasn't.
But haven't we been avoiding it afraid of what comes after that magical moment? What does come after? I don't know.
That's the scary part.
Mm-hmm.
But we're never gonna know unless we take a risk.
You mean, let the chips fall where they may? - Be bold.
- Rise to the occasion.
- Up periscope.
- You've convinced me.
Mmm.
Mm-hmm.
And you've convinced me.
Maybe this honeymoon will turn out to be a blessing in disguise after all.
- There's just one slight problem.
- Naturally.
With all due respect to the Hotel del Amor we've waited far too long not to capture the moment in a more worthy setting.
If Las Hadas has telephones, it must have other amenities.
I'll get the bags.
- I'll check us out.
- Mmm.
That's ridiculous! We haven't even been here 20 minutes.
Sorry, señora, but we've had to turn people away.
- Obviously, the lucky ones.
- Now, look here, senor amigo.
What exactly is 72,000 pesos in American dollars? At the current rate of exchange about a hundred bucks.
Pay the man.
Here you go.
There.
Ah, sí.
Karl Malden.
Don't leave home without him.
Sorry, amigo.
No plastic.
- Give him a traveler's check.
- Sorry.
No paper.
Only pesos.
- I told you to get pesos at the airport.
- I know.
- But, no, you wanted a better rate at the bank.
- Would you calm down! I want us out of here for the same reason you do, remember? Okay, uh, look.
We'll leave our luggage as collateral, okay? And if you don't come back? - You keep it.
- Yeah.
I don't do much traveling.
- What about his watch? - What about her? What about her? I think you'll come back for her.
- Well- - What do you mean, "well"? I'm thinking.
I'm thinking.
I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
Okay, of course I'll come back for you.
- When does the bus leave? - 5:00.
- 5:00? Great.
- Thursday.
- Thursday? - But you are in luck.
Isn't it dangerous out there? What about the malvados? They only come out when the bus comes.
Stay on the road! - Bye! - You won't have any problems! Hola.
Adios.
Welcome to Mexico.
Oh! Hold on! - I'm slipping! - Don't slip! Whatever you do, don't slip! Oh, what the hell.
You slipped! I apologize! Next time, I'll bring my gloves.
That's a hundred-foot drop.
We could have been killed.
You're the one who knocked me into the rapids! Hey, lady, remember the vine? That was me.
And what were you doing in the jungle with those guys? Sightseeing! - Where are you going? - East.
Could you slow down a bit? No! Ooh! Could you cut the branches a little shorter? What a team.
I do all the work.
You do all the bitching.
Well, at least I'm doing a better job than you are.
Good Lord! You mean you're not gonna complain that, uh, they're too old, or they're too out of the way, or too somethin'? - Hey, look, let's just call a truce, okay? - Hey! Fine by me.
So this is where you were heading when you rescued me? And, by the way, thanks.
Yes, I was.
And you're welcome.
So what do you do? Clean stones? - I thought you said truce.
- Sorry.
Sometimes, I get in a groove and I just can't get out of it.
I'm an archaeologist.
I'm about to set up a dig here.
- How about some coffee? - Sounds good.
- Where are you going now? - I don't know about you, but I like my coffee hot.
So I'm about to go get some wood, if that's okay by you.
Thank you.
Where you been, amigo? We have been waiting a long time.
You know, that was some punch you landed on me.
You wanted us to make it look bueno.
Yeah.
Well, you made it look so bueno, you almost got me and the girl killed.
If you can't swim, stay off of the water.
Gracias.
De nada.
Going to rub two sticks together? Not when I have one of these.
So, what's a nice girl like you doing in a jungle like this? It's a long story, but the short of it is I'm supposed to be in Las Hadas.
Nice place.
A little bit too civilized for me.
You like it better in these ruins? We call them monuments down here.
Would you point me in the right direction for the town of Las Hadas? West.
West.
Let's see.
West would be that way.
West.
Coffee'll be ready in a minute.
It'll be dark soon.
I'd better be on my way.
- I'll take you.
- Oh, you have things to do.
Besides, I used to be a Bluebird.
Oh.
Well, thanks again.
Maybe we'll run into each other in a museum or something.
Good luck.
West.
I think I'll have that cup of coffee first.
- Hi.
Hi.
- Hi.
- Oh, uh, Titleist 2? - Sí.
Yeah.
Here you go.
Here you go.
Great.
What do you got there? Yeah.
I'd suggest a 6-iron.
Really.
Good day.
Good afternoon.
I'd like your finest room, please.
The honeymoon suite, if it's available, and even if it's not.
- May I help you, señor? - Mmm.
I was inquiring about the honeymoon suite.
Money's no object.
Well, we will check as to its availability, Señor- Steele.
Remington Steele.
The Remington Steele? You are the big dick from Los Angeles.
I see my reputation has preceded me.
But of course.
I am Fernando, the hotel manager.
- Welcome to Las Hadas.
- Thank you.
You're on an undercover assignment.
¿Sí? Uh, actually, I just had a run-in with a rather nasty pothole.
I'd like to exchange these traveler's checks for pesos as soon as possible.
- No problema.
- I'll also need a taxi - No problema.
- So I can retrieve my bride from the Hotel del Amor.
- Big problema.
- Why? You see, no one goes into the jungle at night.
Malvados, you know.
- Oh.
- But your bride will be there in the morning.
Yes, one can only hope.
Like I told you, Steele, you can run, but you can't hide.
Well, well, well.
Norman Keyes.
What a coincidence.
Yeah, you think it's a coincidence if you want, but I got you.
I got you right where I want you.
You've snapped Keyes, you know that? Go find yourself a padded cell before you hurt yourself.
You know, you're this close to the edge and I'm gonna love givin' you the boot.
Oh.
What a happy surprise, huh? You already meet an old friend.
- Enjoy your stay.
- Mmm.
Thank you.
Mildred- Mildred, look.
I don't mean to look a gift horse in the mouth but either your travel agent's a crook or you don't love us as much as you say you do.
Mm-hmm.
I know.
Right.
Well, that wasn't the case.
Uh-huh.
Mmm.
Well, that's the spirit, Mildred.
Make those heads roll.
Bye.
Laura.
Hey, how'd you get through the jungle? No thanks to you.
That's how I got through the jungle.
Oh.
Excuse me.
My jacket? Oh.
Sorry.
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.
Clothing salesman? He's the reason I'm here.
Oh.
Well, in that case, I'm eternally grateful, Mr.
- I don't even know your name.
Roselli.
Anthony Roselli.
My friends call me Tony.
Yes, I'm sure they do.
- Remington Steele.
- You wouldn't believe what we've been through.
First, I was chased by malvados.
Then Tony- Mr.
Roselli- fought them off.
- Then we fell into some rapids- - You must be very thirsty.
Would you, um- Would you like some champagne? You got a beer? No.
Carry on, Laura.
After the rapids, we cascaded over a waterfall and macheted our way through a jungle to some old ruins.
They're called monuments down here.
- Veritable Romancing the Stone.
- What? Michael Douglas, Kathleen Turner.
- Oh.
- Mmm! Would you like some fish eggs? No, I never got a taste for those things.
So tell me, Mr.
Steele, what brings you here? I think I'll let Laura field that one.
Oh.
That's another thing that I forgot to tell you, Ton- Uh, Mr.
Roselli.
We are on our, uh- Actually, we are on our- - Mmm! - Mmm.
Spit it out, Laura.
Mmm- - Honeymoon.
- Your honeymoon? Really? Well, I never would've guessed.
Well, from what you've both been through you obviously didn't have any time for any small talk.
I mean, no wedding ring.
No wedding ring? - Oh.
- It's in Los Angeles being sized.
It belonged to my great-grandmother who inherited it from her Greek uncle.
He came upon it while he was in Paris on a secret mission for the grand duke's nephew.
It seems that Napoleon's tailor took this as a- as a payment for this wonderful- All right.
Stop with the history lesson, dear.
- It's just a gold band.
- Forgive me, Laura.
I didn't mean to ramble on about the family jewels.
I'd better shove off.
Look, it's been real nice meeting you both.
Why don't you join us for dinner? It's the least I can do to thank you for salvaging my wife.
- No, he has to get back to the ruins.
- Yeah, well- - They're called monuments.
- No matter what they're called, he has to be going.
- I can always eat.
- Splendid.
- 10:00? The terrace? - You got it.
I look forward to breaking bread with you, Anthony.
Me too.
Why did you invite him to dinner? A simple thank you would have sufficed.
I just wanted to hear all about your intrepid trek.
Well, it certainly doesn't look like you went through much getting here.
Me? No.
Hardly used theJeep.
Terrific.
I'm in the middle of a jungle fighting for my life and you're here swilling champagne and munching caviar.
- I traipse in here with Tony- - Mr.
Roselli.
- And what do you do? You offer him fish eggs.
- He looked hungry.
Oh! - Don't you think other men might find me attractive? - Have anyone in mind? - Don't you think he was? - Was what? - Attractive.
- I didn't notice.
Well, he was.
Damned attractive.
Okay, Laura, I'll take your word for it.
You've always had a keen eye for that sort of thing, you know.
Laura, I don't understand why you're so angry.
I thought I was excruciatingly pleasant to your guest.
There we were- two incredibly attractive people alone together deep in the jungle and you're not even remotely jealous.
All right, all right.
If it makes you happy, I'm jealous.
- Too late! - No, I'm very jealous, Laura.
You gotta believe me.
I'm really- Well- Well, at least we're starting to act like a married couple.
Anthony I think now is as good a time as any to get something off my chest.
- Oh? - Yes.
Shoot.
I must admit, I was somewhat jealous that you were beating through the bush with my wife.
Bush-beating? Me? Well, you are a relatively attractive man, and, um, well- Do you find my wife attractive? Yeah.
Sure.
Hence, my jealousy.
Are you married, Tony? Uh-uh.
No.
Yeah, it's a funny thing about wives, you know.
No matter how hard you try to satisfy them, you can never please them.
I mean, take Laura, for instance.
- I mean, just tonight, she wanted me to be jealous- Tell me, Tony, what made you choose archaeology? - Well, I kinda got into it sideways.
- Always an interesting position.
What I mean is, I started out as a baseball player.
I pitched three years Triple-A.
Hurt my arm- I was outta there.
Baseball player.
Isn't that fascinating, dear? Yes, well, Anthony's a fascinating fellow, dear.
So, you went from, um, bats to bones.
Yeah, well, it doesn't pay much, but I do get to travel a lot.
Compliments of the gentleman, señor.
Keyes? What's he doing here? I'll handle it.
- Friend of yours? - Not exactly.
What's the matter, Steele? You don't want my little gift? It's like you, Keyes.
Bad vintage.
Tell me something, Steele.
Is it strictly a business deal between you and Holt or you gettin' a little on the side? You just don't know when to quit, do you, Keyes? Well, she ain't a bad-lookin' broad in the right light.
If I didn't have anything better to do, I wouldn't mind having a go at her myself.
Guess he didn't like the wine.
It's okay.
Hang on.
What's this guy saying? - They want you to go with them.
- I'll go too.
Keyes has just gone for a little swim.
Finish your dinner and relax.
- Vamos.
- Okay, guys.
Just give him a chance to cool off.
He'll be all right.
Let's get out of here.
The first order of business is to get Señor Keyes not to press any charges.
He's lucky he fell off the balcony, or he wouldn't be alive to press charges.
Oh, please, Señor Steele.
We cannot- Yeah.
Señor Keyes- We cannot find him anywhere.
- In that case, it's been lovely.
- Please.
For all concerned, stay away from Señor Keyes.
You tell him to stay away from me, senor.
Wanna talk about it? It's another long story.
I got time.
Look.
You don't have to babysit me, Tony.
I'll be fine, really, and so will Mr.
Steele.
You call him Mr.
Steele? He used to be my boss.
But now he's your husband.
- Old habits die hard.
- I guess so.
I know I've said it already, but thanks for everything.
Stay outta jungles.
Señor? Something we can help you with, Señor Steele? Uh, no.
No, no, no.
Gracias.
No, no.
Uh, I'm just going for a quick dip.
That's all.
You know calm the nerves, stimulate the body.
- You all right? - Mm-hmm.
You wouldn't happen to have that mosquito netting handy, would you? - What happened? - What happened? You want the official version or the truth? I've heard the official version.
Well, they're both painfully similar except for one minor detail.
Keyes was already dead when I found him.
Why didn't you call someone? The police, the hotel manager.
And tell them what? That the man I knocked off a 50-foot balcony had the audacity, the bad manners, to expire on my floor? It might have been better than being discovered trying to hide his body in a tent on the beach.
Remind me not to hire you as my defense attorney.
Did you know he was at the Hotel del Amor the day before we arrived? - Keyes? - It appears you've been following him across Mexico.
That's why our travel plans changed.
Huh.
- Why don't you have a name? - What? I feel like a fool calling you Mr.
Steele or Remington at a time like this.
Why don't you have a real name like everybody else? If ever there were a time when we needed to be completely honest with one another this is it.
There were many a time when I wanted to kill Keyes myself with my bare hands.
But you didn't.
And neither did I.
What I'm trying to say is I'd understand if he goaded you past the point, and you couldn't control- I didn't kill Keyes! Now, the first order of business is to get me out of here so I can prove it.
No chance.
I've already checked.
I'm not gonna sit in this jail and watch them build my gallows outside, Laura.
Then do a little praying.
You can start by praying I'm as good a detective as I claim to be.
Laura.
! I just heard about your husband.
Is there anything I can do to help? I just bought this luggage.
Senor! Mildred? - Mildred! - Oh, look at this.
It's all scratched.
Excuse me.
Would you happen to know where the adult pool is? Hang a right at the square.
Gracias.
De nada.
What are you doing here? Well, I just thought I'd come down and straighten out the travel plans and maybe mix a little business with pleasure.
I'm afraid it's going to be all business.
The police think Mr.
Steele killed Norman Keyes.
What? Oh, good for the boss.
Mildred, use the telephone in my suite and get a list of all the insurance cases Keyes was working on.
We need suspects fast.
- See? I'm useful already.
- Go! Go! - I'm goin'! I'm goin'! - Is that offer of help still good? - You name it.
- How are you at acrobatics? Whoa! You pick a mean lock.
My uncle was a delivery man.
A very determined delivery man.
Taught me all his secrets.
Something tells me that you're not your ordinary housewife.
I'm just a girl trying to have a honeymoon.
Only it's a little difficult when your husband's behind bars.
Isn't this slightly illegal? No.
It's very illegal.
But the hotel manager told me the police haven't been here yet.
You wanna tell me what we're looking for? Something, anything to prove that Remington didn't kill Norman Keyes.
- Then you don't wanna see this.
- What is it? It's a letter that Keyes was writing to someone at Vigilance Insurance.
"And I'm more convinced than ever that Steele may try to silence me.
" Let me see that.
- Why did Keyes think your marriage was phony? - He was cracked.
Yeah, well, right over here, it says that he's sure he can prove it.
It's a long story, Tony.
Well, you've got a lot of those, Laura.
- Check the door, will you? - Yeah.
Well, well.
Isn't this interesting? What? - Keyes checked in alone, correct? - Mm-hmm.
Then what's a bald man doing with a hairbrush in his bathroom? Maybe he was an optimist.
You have a very warped sense of humor.
- Just like somebody else I know.
- I'm sorry.
This proves there's someone down here who knew Keyes.
Knew him well enough to be invited to Keyes's suite.
Someone with long blonde hair.
Antonio? What are you doing here? I waited for you by the pool.
I mean, why aren't you in Mexico City? I wanted to celebrate with you.
Yeah, well, uh, there's nothing to celebrate.
But when you called last night, you said everything was perfecto.
Yeah, I know.
But that was before Mr.
Steele decided to kill someone.
Is this what you call a glitch? Yeah.
But it's nothing that I can't work my way out of.
Then we are still going to the States? Sure.
Just, uh don't go buyin' any plane tickets yet.
Ooh! Three years I have followed you all over South America.
Do you think I only did this because you promised to take me to the States? Yes.
And did I ever threaten to leave because you weren't a big shot in the immigration department anymore? Every day.
And did I ever ask why your bosses were so angry with you that they sent you to all those dirty little towns in South America? - Every other day.
- So you see, Antonio? I have been your loyal secretary as well as your faithful companion.
And don't bring up that bullfighter again.
I told you he was just showing me where he had been gored.
Conchita, go home.
Please.
Oh, tell me you haven't- how do you say- screwed up again.
Oh, I couldn't stand another disappointment.
As soon as I prove Steele's marriage is a fraud I'll be back in solid with my bosses.
We'll be across the Rio Grande.
Then do it.
I've already packed, and my clothes are getting wrinkled.
First, I have to get Steele out of jail.
Because if that doesn't happen, we can kiss Disneyland good-bye.
Adios.
Antonio? What? You haven't told me how you like my new bathing suit.
I bought it especially for you.
- Nice material.
- And you know the best feature? - No.
- It comes off so easily.
Oh, boss.
Oh.
Boss, you look awful.
You're all haggard and pasty, and- Your right eye is twitching.
Well, it's good to see you too, Mildred.
Now, why-Why am I seeing you here? I mean, uh, in Mexico.
I can't find Miss Holt.
I mean Mrs.
Steele.
She asked me to dig up all the cases that Keyes was working on.
- And? - The only cases he was on is yours.
Oh, well, at least the man's consistent.
- Oh, it gets worse.
- Uh-huh.
Keyes raised his insurance by one million bucks.
He said he was afraid of what you might do to him.
Oh, great, Mildred.
Thanks for stopping by.
Great.
Oh, boss.
Don't confuse the message with the messenger.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Someone made it appear that I was following Keyes from the Hotel del Amor down to Las Hadas.
But I didn't even see Keyes at the Hotel del Amor and we weren't even supposed to be there in the first place.
Oh! Which reminds me.
I found out who switched your travel plans.
You did? Well, why didn't you tell- Never mind.
Never mind.
Captain? Captain.
! If someone switched those plans, that proves I wasn't following Keyes.
Good point, chief.
But I don't think- Hold up.
Hold up.
Captain, your honor, sir Senora Krebs here knows who's trying to frame me for the murder of Norman Keyes.
Go ahead, Mildred.
Tell the man.
Go ahead, Mildred.
Tell the nice captain who switched our plans.
- You did.
- You see, Cap- - I did? - Well, that's what the travel agent told me.
- I switched the plans? - You have just supplied the missing piece to the puzzle.
- I have? - Sí.
Now I know Señor Steele's plan was premeditated.
You've made it possible for me to upgrade the charges from manslaughter to first degree murder.
Muchas gracias, señora.
Muchas gracias.
Oh, boss, I tried to warn you.
I know you did, Mildred.
I know you did.
I know you did.
You've gotta get me out of this place, Mildred or else I'm carne muerta.
¿Carne muerta? Dead meat.
Psst.
! Boss.
! Ah.
Good work, Mildred.
Listen, boss, I don't mind tellin' you, I'm a little scared.
Don't worry.
You're doing fine.
Just fine.
- Uh, where's the truck? - What truck? Well, the truck that's supposed to be on the other end of this rope.
Oh, well, I didn't exactly get a truck.
Then what exactly did you get? Couldn't you have found something a tad less conspicuous, Mildred? But I don't habla español that well.
Shh! Get down, get down, get down! Now what? Run! Sure.
It's easy for you to say.
Stay down, stay down.
- Boss- - Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Keep coming.
Come on.
- I can't keep this up much longer.
- Come on.
In here.
Come on.
Keep down.
Keep down.
Down, down, down.
Come on.
Get in there.
Get down.
Boss, I'm sorry my puppies are pooped.
I've been thinking, Mildred.
If no one else had a grudge against Keyes and I didn't kill him who else stood to gain from his death, eh? This is no time for 20 questions.
Who? You said he upped his life insurance by a million dollars? - The beneficiary.
- Uh-huh.
That's all we've got.
Okay.
I'll decoy the police.
Once they pass you get back to Las Hadas and get on that phone, Mildred.
Okay.
Hey! ¡Alto.
! ¡Alto.
! No phone calls.
He ate alone.
He didn't even buy anyone a drink.
I'm afraid there's nothing here to indicate that he had any company.
Keyes rented a car- a red Topaz.
It might be worth checking out.
His car would still be here, wouldn't it? It is not something he would take with him.
This way, please.
You know, for an archaeologist you're not half bad at being a detective.
Same job, different tools.
Is that what I think it is? If you think it's a red Topaz, it is.
I will go see if it has the same license plate.
No need to.
What do you want to bet she's missing a hairbrush? Hello? Miss Scribner? - Yes? - Tracy Lord.
I'm executive director of guest relations.
- I wanted to welcome you personally to Las Hadas.
- That's very kind.
I'd also like you to accept a small token of our pleasure at having you with us.
Manuel! - You're too kind.
- ¡Ándale.
! Where's he going? It's best to keep the cheese in the bathroom.
It stays cooler in there.
- I never heard that.
- We're right on the edge of a jungle here, Miss Scribner.
And, well, you know waht jungles can do to cheese.
Ándale! So, are you here on business or pleasure, Miss Scribner? My uncle was murdered here last night.
Oh, I am sorry.
That was your uncle? I've just come to take his body home.
Came straight from the airport, did you? I'm so sorry for your loss, Miss Scribner.
And, believe me, if there's anything I can do- - There is one thing.
- Yes? - Leave.
- Of course.
Manuel, ándale.
¡Ándale! Please, don't hesitate to call.
Don't all the workers here wear white? You're absolutely right.
Estúpido.
¡Blanca.
! ¡Blanca.
! Good help is so hard to find.
Nice save.
You make a great welcome wagon.
- Lady's a liar.
- So she's missing a hairbrush? Found yourself a suspect.
Now all I have to do is convert her into a murderer.
Oh, thank you so much.
I really appreciate- Oh, listen, I- I owe you one.
Right.
Where have you been? I have seen more of Mexico than Pancho Villa trying to find you.
- Well- - Who's he? Tony.
Don't you come with a last name? Roselli.
Tony Roselli.
Uh, do you mind if I wash up? Help yourself.
- Don't you wanna know my name? - Yeah, but I wanna be clean when I hear it.
Don't go away.
- Where did you find him? - In the jungle.
What was he doing, swinging from a vine? As a matter of fact, yes.
Does the boss know that you're hanging around with a road company Tarzan? What have you found out about Keyes? - While he is languishing away in a Mexican jail? - Mildred, the business at hand! - Conchita, what are you doing here? - Oh, I'm bored, Antonio.
- And oily.
- Put it in neutral.
Come on.
Wait! - Antonio! - Shh! Under the bed.
Under the- Get under the bed! - Stay put.
- Are you sure you mean under the bed? And not a peep.
- Peep! - Get down! - Anthony, wasn't it? - Still is.
Acquired a taste for fish eggs, have you? - I thought you were in jail.
- Yeah, I bet you did.
Tony, I thought I heard- Mr.
Steele.
- Mr.
Steele? - She's always so formal when we have guests.
What are you doing here, boss? The jungle got a little crowded, Mildred.
- How did you get out of jail? - We, uh, made a back door.
Didn't we agree that I would do the investigating? Remember those gallows I was telling you about? They're up.
Did you find out who Keyes's beneficiary is? Yeah, it's his niece.
She's supposed to be coming down here.
Her name's- - Danielle Scribner.
- How did you know that? - She's already down here to claim the body.
- That's one expeditious niece.
If she really is his niece.
Señora Steele? This is Captain Suárez.
I must speak with you.
- Quick.
Under the bed.
- What? Under the bed? Oh! Shh! Okay.
It's open.
! Hola.
Can I help you find something? Mm-hmm.
Your husband.
- My husband? - Come, come, Señora Steele.
Do not try to tell me you do not know your husband broke out of my jail today.
- I know he did.
- Do you also know where he is? - Yes.
- I'm listening.
The last I heard, he was heading for the Hotel del Amor.
He thinks something there can prove his innocence.
Very well.
I will see if he's there.
But do not leave this area until I come back.
Hasta luego.
Whew! That was close.
Oh, boy.
The maid service around here is deplorable.
Whew! You wouldn't believe the lint under this bed.
We haven't got much time.
Now, we all agree that the so-called niece killed Keyes for his insurance, right? - Right.
But how do we prove it? - If she claims the body today and flies home, forget it.
In that case, how are you at grave-robbing, Anthony? - I'm an archaeologist, remember? - Uh-huh.
How could I forget? You'll have to detain the niece until the funeral home closes, Laura.
- Beverly Hills Cop.
- Who? Eddie Murphy, Judge Reinhold.
Paramount, 1985.
Excellent, Laura.
A couple of well-placed bananas ought to decommission her car.
So that Tracy Lord can come to the rescue and chauffeur her wherever she wants to go.
- And get hopelessly lost.
- Aren't they great together? I'd hate to see anyone try to mess with this team.
- Mildred, bananas.
- Ape food coming right up.
Come along, Anthony.
It's rude to keep a corpse waiting.
Oh.
Hola.
You must be the lint.
Hmm.
You and the little woman get those for wedding presents? She doesn't like to be called the "little woman.
" Very independent sort, my bride.
Shine the torch over here, will you? No time to get fancy.
Oh, good.
Now no one will know we're here.
It's open, isn't it? Come on.
Have any idea what the penalty is for body-stealing in Mexico? Can't be any worse than the penalty for killing one.
Speaking of bodies, uh, you didn't happen to notice that young nubile one under my bed, did you? Uh, no, I can't say that I did.
Oh.
I thought you might have misplaced her.
- No, old bones are my bag.
- Pity.
She was very friendly.
Keyes's body doesn't seem to be here.
Not entirely anyway.
- Keyes was cremated? - Unless those are all cigar ashes.
I don't get it.
How could his niece have the body cremated if she hasn't even claimed it yet? - And Then There Were None.
- There's not much.
- Barry Fitzgerald.
- This isn't Keyes? Walter Houston, Louis Hayward, C.
Aubrey Smith.
- Steele, are you losing it? - 20th Century Fox, 1945.
- Another movie? - No, the solution to this case.
Grab that urn.
Keyes is alive.
It was there all along right under my nose.
- What are you smelling, chief? - Keyes faked his own murder just the way Barry Fitzgerald did in And Then There Were None.
But you saw him dead.
- The Devil's Playground.
- Precisely.
Those two have a hell of a code.
And I pity the guy who tries to crack it.
A few years ago, Tony, we had a similar case where a so-called victim feigned her own death by using the drug digitalis leaf.
The proper dosage would've slowed Keyes's pulse and heart rate to the point where only a perceptive doctor could tell he wasn't actually dead.
- That slimeball! - He changed our travel plans.
He wanted it to look as if you were following him.
And then, he staged enough public confrontations to give the police all the motive they needed to arrest me for his murder.
That lowlife slimeball! Enter his accomplice, who made it look as if Keyes had been cremated.
Which makes it absolutely impossible for anyone to prove he isn't really dead.
I love it when they're on a roll.
All this because he thought your marriage wasn't legit? Among other things.
Such as a $2 million insurance payoff.
Plus, the twisted satisfaction of knowing that Mr.
- that Remington was rotting in a Mexican jail for a murder that never was.
That slimy, lowlife slimeball! Redundant but accurate, Mildred.
Well, believing Keyes is still alive is one thing.
Proving it is another kettle of fish.
Piece of cake.
He's got a plan.
Lay it on us, boss.
All we have to do is force the niece to make contact with Keyes.
- And then we have him.
- Exactly how do we do that? Hmm.
Uh-huh.
Well, it's just a matter of moments now before she goes running to Keyes.
She hasn't moved.
Well, at least we can say we were up all night on our honeymoon.
- Thanks.
- Anything? I think she's sleeping in.
- Do you mind if I ask you a personal question, Anthony? - Depends.
I know I can speak for Mrs.
Steele when I say we both enjoy your company immensely.
However, um haven't you got any other friends? I'm not due at the dig for a couple of days.
But if I'm in the way here- No, no.
Not at all.
My husband is just trying to thank you for your generous help in his own unique way.
Oh.
Boy, this is one crowded bush.
Mildred, why aren't you manning the switchboard? Because the niece called for an airport taxi.
She's heading back for L.
A.
Piece of cake, huh? - She's going home! - Every plan has a flaw.
Hey, hey.
Why is she using a taxi when she can use Keyes's car? Hate to admit it, but that's a good question.
Maybe she's just a decoy.
Or maybe Keyes is waiting for her at the airport.
Okay, you two follow the niece.
- Mrs.
Steele and I will keep an eye on the car.
- Okay.
¡Alto.
! ¡Alto.
! Hey! "El taxio.
" - Aeropuerto, pronto.
- Sí, señora.
Weren't you the wine-and-cheese basket? No comprendo, señorita.
That's a nice vase.
Where'd you get it? - It's an urn.
- Oh.
Anybody I know? - Who's she? - No comprendo, señora.
I'd recognize Keyes' ugly luggage anywhere.
Should we see where it's going? Hmm? What are you waiting for? Never mind.
Just stop that urn! Conchita, let go of me.
Conchita, let go! No! Always you want to leave except when we are in bed.
Let's go to your room, Antonio.
The urge is with me.
Are you crazy? I've almost got this thing wrapped up.
But there will be another way to get to America.
- Not for me.
- It's her, isn't it? - Who? - That gringa brunette.
- She's a case, Conchita.
- You're telling me.
I don't know what's eating you, but you're starting to get to me.
You have pushed me aside, ignored me.
I had to hide under the bed.
I got sunburned! And why? So you could be with her? Stop it! Right now.
If you leave now, I will have to take that dinner invitation from your boss.
Make sure he takes you to a nice place.
You'll earn it.
Well, the joke is on you! I have already had dinner with your boss.
And breakfast too! She stole it from me.
It's mine, I tell you! I want that urn back.
Do you understand me? That's my urn! Back off, blondie.
It's my urn.
Here.
Ask this man.
He knows who the urn belongs to.
- Well, go on.
Ask him.
- ¿Qué? Well, go on.
Tell him.
- What? Are you loco? - Come along, ladies.
We must explore this more fully.
Who are you? Mm-hmm.
My kind of hideout.
I never realized Keyes had such exquisite taste.
Mmm.
Ooh-wee! Huh.
Amazing how a couple of million swindled dollars can change a man, isn't it? Oh.
Take a whiff.
- Cheap cigars.
- Mm-hmm.
- He's here, all right.
- Mmm.
I can almost hear him cackling.
Can you believe this place? Huh.
It even has a see-through floor.
Yep.
It's got everything but Keyes, damn it.
I know he's here.
I know it.
I can feel it.
Chalk one up for instincts.
I told you he was alive.
- Who doubted you? - I did! ¡Alto.
! He's getting away! The hell he is! You see him? Hey, doesn't that bus look awfully familiar, eh? Do you suppose Keyes is heading for that airstrip we came in on? It's a good way to get out of the country undetected.
Look! Hey! Come on.
Come on! - This thing's even slower than the limo.
- You're losing him! Well, at least we know where he's going.
I hope.
- ¿Malvados? - Worse.
If we don't catch Keyes before the police catch us- That kind of talk isn't gonna make this bus go any faster.
Get up here, Keyes! Easy now.
You can run, Keyes, but you can't hide.
¡Señor Steele.
! Do not move, or I will be forced to open fire.
All right, all right.
Just don't shoot, okay? Don't you recognize that man? You can't just let him get away.
I believe that's the man I supposedly murdered two nights ago.
Okay.
It took a few pesos, but I got 'em to bump a couple out of first class.
- Here you go.
- Great, Mildred.
Great.
- Well, how are you traveling, Mildred? - Tourist.
Oh, I figure three's a crowd on a honeymoon.
Mmm.
Well, three seems to be par for the course on this honeymoon, doesn't it? Honeymoon? I just realized.
- We never took any honeymoon pictures.
- So? Remember the lady from you-know-where who wanted proof of you-know-what? Oh, yes, of course.
How could I forget? Get the camera there.
Anthony, would you do us a favor and just click one of these? It's the little button right up there.
Right there.
Gladly.
- Oh, listen, we gotta get going.
- Okay.
Well, Anthony, what can I say? It's been an experience.
I'll never be able to look back on my honeymoon without thinking of you.
I can't thank you enough for all your help.
It's been my pleasure.
Hey, we never would have met if the original plans hadn't been canceled.
Don't say that word.
- Heading back to the monuments? - As soon as your plane takes off.
Well, good-bye.
- Adios.
- Bye, Remington.
- Happy diggin'.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye.
- Oh.
When's your next flight to Los Angeles? Looks like it's smooth sailing from here on in.
Here's to finishing in Los Angeles what we started in Mexico.
Let's try this again, shall we?