Remington Steele (1982) s04e22 Episode Script

Bonds of Steele

- Minor emergency.
Either the lab mixed up, or I've got hepatitis! - What? Don't go back to Unidac.
This is getting too dangerous.
We need to access their computer and find out what goes on in that room.
Pay dirt! Room G949 is assigned to something called Project Omega.
Now, if you just tell me what the case concerns- - Omega.
- How do you know about Omega? - I don't know anything about Project Omega! - She's lying.
Help! Steele here.
Uh, sorry, tried to reach you.
A slight change of plans.
I have to meet Miss Holt with a client this morning.
We'll just have to push everything back an hour.
Can you do that? Splendid.
I'll see you then.
Faster, Fred.
Burnett's office.
Oh, I'm- I'm sorry.
Burnett will have to cancel today.
Thursday? Um, let me check.
Thursday would be fine.
Alessandra Henry? Remington Steele.
- My associate, Laura Holt.
- Thank God.
- You said it was urgent? - This way.
- I'd say urgent was an apt description.
- Good Lord, the man- - I know.
- Why didn't you call the police? - Because I killed him.
- What? I mean- I mean- It looks like I killed him.
- That's my letter opener.
- Uh-huh.
- And look.
- Okay.
"Dear Alessandra, I'm going back to my wife.
I don't want to fight about it anymore.
" Uh-huh.
I can't delete it.
It's locked in the main computer somehow.
Whoa, slow down.
Were you and Burnett having an affair? No.
There were rumors, but it's not true.
He had a bad marriage, and I was someone to talk to- a friend.
- Oh.
- Oh, come on.
- Does he look like my type? - Oh, it's hard to tell from this angle.
- Sorry.
- Go on.
Last night, Dave called and- and said something strange was going on here.
He wanted to meet early and talk about it.
I came in, and there he was.
Ah, excuse us just a moment, will you? Um.
- They Won't Believe Me.
- Who won't? Robert Young, Susan Hayward.
RKO, 1947.
Young tries to disguise his girlfriend's death, but then- - You think she's lying? - Um- - Well, in Robert Young's- - If I were the killer, I don't think I'd hire a pair of hotshot detectives to investigate.
- No harm in provoking a conversation, Laura.
- Thank you, Phil Donahue.
- May we continue? - Sure.
Go ahead.
Do you know what your boss meant when he said something strange was going on? I think this whole place is strange.
I'm just working here till I finish my Ph.
dissertation in Dostoyevsky.
What is your- What did your boss do? Procurement Division, middle level associate cost accountant.
- Oh.
- I was never sure exactly what he did.
It's possible Burnett was trying to hide this from whomever killed him.
That would be Building "G," Room 949.
- What goes on there? - Beats me.
I don't know what goes on down the hall.
- Shall we, Mr.
Steele? - Yeah, good idea.
But, what about Dave? I'd vote against moving him for the nonce.
Well, we can't just leave him there! Why not? Mr.
Burnett's a very busy man.
- Good to see you, Dave.
Take care.
- Nice meeting you, Dave.
- Let's have lunch sometime.
- I think I'm gonna throw up.
Just business as usual.
Burnett's office.
I'm sorry, Mr.
Burnett's in conference now.
Can we get back to you? Here we are.
G942- Are you in a hurry? You've been doing that all morning.
No, it's just running slow, that's all.
It's obviously around the corner.
Excuse me, but- - Beginning to fall in love with this place.
- We can't seem to find G949.
That's not my department.
Check Building Facilitation.
- Building Facilitation? - Sounds almost obscene.
There it is.
But that's exactly where we were, and there isn't any G949.
That's impossible.
If the room is here, the room is there.
Well, perhaps you'd like to come with us and see for yourself.
I can't do that.
That's Building Coordination.
I'm Building Facilitation.
Could you at least tell us what goes on in this nonexistent room? Uh, that information's classified.
Red Flag.
Well, whom do- Whom-Whom would we see to get more information? Who authorized you to make these requests? Never mind.
I'm sure Central CenCom probably gave us the wrong information.
- Hmm.
- Thank you.
Burnett was right.
Something strange is going on here.
Oh, no.
We may be too late to figure it out.
Right you are, sir.
Payroll supervisor, Orange Division.
I need to see Burnett.
I'm sorry.
Burnett asked not to be disturbed.
It's extremely important.
Steele, Miss Holt.
Burnett's been expecting you.
- Good.
- Please excuse us.
- I don't know if I can keep this up.
- You're doing fine.
We have to get back to the office and see if our resident computer expert can tap into the Unidac system.
- Think you can hold on for a few more hours? - Do I have a choice? That's the spirit.
- Ah! Damn! - What's the matter? Oh, I should have been at the doctor's office half an hour ago.
- The doctor's office? - Yes.
A few tests came back negative.
Listen, try not to worry about it.
I'll see you later.
Okay? Bye.
- Good morning, Mildred.
- Good morning.
I told him to put it out.
! - Norman Keyes, Vigilance Insurance.
- I remember.
- And you're? - Estelle Beck- This is Estelle Becker.
Listen, honey, where's Steele? - Out! - I can see that.
When will he be back? Look, Keyes, we're right in the middle of a case, so if you don't- No, I understand, but Miss Becker here has some business to discuss with your boss.
- What kind of business? - I'm afraid that's privileged information.
Just when do you expect Mr.
Steele? - Your guess is as good as mine.
- We'll come back later then.
- Sorry for the intrusion.
- When you see him, honey, give Steele a message for me.
You can run, but you can't hide.
That guy should be checked for rabies.
What do you think that was all about? I have no idea, but I'm sure we'll find out.
Right now, we have more immediate problems to deal with.
There is a dead man sitting in an office at the Unidac Corporation.
The secret to his murder is somehow connected to Room G949.
We need to access their computer and find out what goes on in that room.
The computer system hasn't been built that can contain Krebs.
I'll start checking on my terminal.
- Okay.
- Ah, Mildred did Mr.
Steele mention to you anything about medical tests? - No.
Why? - Try not to think about it.
- Mildred.
- Mm-hmm? That, uh, friend of your nephew's- the Latin tutor? - Clarissa? - That's the one.
- Has he mentioned her lately? - Every time he calls.
Where is she these days? UC Santa Barbara, tutoring her head off.
Has Mr.
Steele mentioned her, by any chance? - Something on your mind, honey? - Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm just thinking of past cases.
Pay dirt! Room G949 is assigned to something called Project Omega.
- What's Project Omega? - I don't know.
This could take a little while longer.
Tell Mr.
Steele I'll be at Unidac.
If he's interested.
- Where's Mr.
Steele? - Like Mr.
Burnett- in another place.
- How are you doing, Clarissa? - It's Alessandra.
Oh, Al- Uh- Right.
Every time people pass by, it's like Edgar Allan Poe's "The Telltale Heart.
" I think they know what's going on, and I want to scream.
Seven years of advanced study in literature down the drain.
I haven't even taken my orals yet.
Look, all you have to do is keep people believing in a man who isn't really there.
I've done it for four years.
You can do it for one day.
What are you talking about? We'll laugh about it over coffee sometime.
Right now, I need you to keep your head and tell me where Unidac would keep personnel files on a red-flagged project called Omega.
- Yes? - Laura Holt, Q.
Level 7.
Procurement and Applications.
Background check for PBY14.
What are you doing in here? That is an excellent question.
What am I doing in here? How can I, wearing bogus I.
D get my hands on a red-flagged project without being challenged? - You got an answer, mister? - Well, I- - Who are you? - Security.
And you're going on report! - But I didn't know.
I thought that- - Thought what? Please, my record is spotless.
I'll let it go as a warning this time but you'd better straighten up and tighten up, mister.
You can count on it.
Laura Holt, report to "T"section, Room 405.
Laura Holt to "T"section, Room 405.
! There's somebody in here.
! Oh! Somebody shut this thing off! Help! Ah, there you are, Laura.
I've been looking everywhere for you.
Listen, buster, get that cigar out of my face, or I'm gonna use your forehead for an ashtray! That's very good, Mildred.
Listen, honey, I just want to see Steele for a few minutes.
I told you, I don't know where he is.
Why don't you go play in the traffic till he gets back? Okay, Krebs, forget it.
I was gonna do you a favor: offer you a job with Vigilance Insurance, but I guess after this place folds you could make it as a stand-up comic.
- Let's go, Estelle.
- Wait a minute.
- What do you mean, "when this place folds"? - See you in the breadline.
I love this job.
- You're disgusting! - What? Because I like seeing justice done? You don't care about justice.
You're just determined to nail Steele.
Come on, hey, you got me wrong, honey.
This isn't personal.
I sat on what I knew about Steele for a long time because it didn't affect my job.
But when my boss tells me he's putting Remington Steele on retainer and that I have to report to that fraud on major cases- baby, that's business.
It's my job to deal with informers, Keyes but that doesn't mean I have to like them.
Come on, Estelle, don't be naive.
I thought you might have been a little grateful, Laura.
After all, I thought it was pretty good detective work on my part.
Mildred told me you were at Unidac.
Alessandra directed me to the file room.
I heard you paged on the loudspeaker and then- - All right! I'm grateful! Satisfied? - All right.
Oh, hi, kids.
Norman Keyes has been looking- I would have been a lot more grateful if you'd been with me in the first place.
How was your doctor's appointment? Just took a little longer than expected.
That's all.
I'll bet! How did you get there? Walk? What's gotten into you- ouch- Laura? I could've just used you at Unidac.
That's all.
What happened to you, Miss Holt? You look like the Bride of Frankenstein.
Thanks, Mildred.
- You find anything more? - No.
Just shooting blanks.
- Delivery for Mr.
- Ah, thank you, my good man.
Thank you very much, eh? Here you go.
Thank you very much.
- Carry on, Miss Holt.
- Well, I got- I got a look at some Project Omega personnel folders.
- Uh-huh? - They were empty.
All of them.
A room that doesn't exist? Now employees that don't exist? Um.
Oh, really fascinating.
- Absolutely fascinating.
- Listen, chief.
Norman Keyes and some dame named Estelle Becker have been looking for you.
- Are you in some kind of trouble? - Uh, trouble? What kind of trouble? I don't know exactly, but- Phone, hmm? Remington Steele Investigations.
Hold on a minute.
It's for you, boss.
An Ilsa Lund? - I-I'll take it in my office, Mildred.
Okay? - Who's Ilsa Lund? Uh-Uh, nurse.
Probably with my test results and everything like that, okay? Ilsa Lund! What are you doing? Ilsa Lund is the name of the character Ingrid Bergman played in Casablanca.
- Yes, Steele here.
- Remington, hi, it's Clarissa.
- I used the code name, like you told me.
- Yes.
Excellent work.
Look, there's been a change in schedule.
It's been moved up to 3:00.
- Is that gonna be a problem? - N-No.
No, no, I don't think so.
I've just gotta take care of one minor detail here.
I'll handle that, and I'll meet you over there, okay? I gotta tell you, I'm really excited.
I'm rather fraught with anticipation myself.
Uh, minor emergency.
Either the lab mixed up my test, or I've got hepatitis.
- What? - Don't worry, it's not the contagious kind.
Just don't drink out of my cup for the next 24 hours.
Don't go back to Unidac.
This case is getting far too dangerous.
Take care now.
Be careful.
Oh, no, you don't.
I wanna know what's going on around here.
- Mildred, I'm gonna lose him.
- No you won't.
You've got time.
Fred's gotta bring the limo around.
Now give.
All I know is that this morning when Mr.
Steele said he had a doctor's appointment - I saw him get in a car with Clarissa.
- Oh! So that's why all the questions.
Well, what's the boss doing with a college tutor? Mildred, Clarissa's no college tutor.
She's never even been to college.
But Bernard said she's the most popular girl on campus.
And off too.
Clarissa's the kind who will be popular with anyone for the right price.
You are kidding! Th-That sweet, lovely girl- - What is my nephew doing with a hooker? - He's her tax adviser.
- Oh.
- The question is, what's Mr.
Steele doing with her? - Go find out.
- You keep working on Omega.
I'll check in as soon as I've solved this mystery.
Remington Steele Investigations.
- I've got to talk to Mr.
- Take a number.
- Then give me Miss Holt.
- You just missed her.
Can I help you? This is Alessandra Henry.
Oh, you're the girl at Unidac.
What's up, honey? The police are here.
What do I do? Don't panic! Hey! Lyle Andrews, Unidac Security.
You've got a lot of explaining to do.
So do you, mister! You have no right to pull over a private citizen! I've got a report here that says you were in high-security areas without authorization.
Now, that's all I need to sic the F.
on you.
- Then why don't you? - 'Cause I know your boss's reputation.
'Cause the feds always find a way to screw things up.
- Now, who're you working for? - Sorry.
Look, you're in trouble, lady.
I'm trying to give you a break.
- No dice.
- Look, you're forcing me to call the F.
If you just tell me what the case concerns, maybe we can compromise somehow.
- How do you know about Omega? - What is it? It's top secret.
They won't even tell us in Security.
Well, somebody at your company found out and was killed for it.
Whoever committed the murder was very smart.
He framed the man's secretary.
Since then, somebody at Unidac has tried to kill me.
How'd you like to tell your story to the president of Unidac? - What about the F.
? - Forget about the F.
It sounds like we got a conspiracy on our hands.
Now, do you want to expose it, or do you want to stand here being righteously indignant? Did you actually see a body, ma'am? Well, no, not exactly, but she wouldn't let me in, and I thought- - Well, I was sure that- - You didn't see a body, but you called in a murder? Look, something strange has been going on around here.
Burnett's been canceling appointments all day.
No one's seen him.
I'm concerned.
Where is he? - Lunch.
- At 3:30? Who with? - Well actually- - Me.
- You just had lunch with Burnett? - You got a hearing problem? - Where is he now? - At the Blue Parrot, tying one on.
You his secretary? I need Burnett's expense receipts going back five years.
Looks like the guy would have been better off dead.
Let's go.
Next time, make sure there's a body.
It was the best I could do under the circumstances.
- You want some water? - Nah.
I see these things all the time.
I- I think I'll sit down for a minute, though.
- Who are you? - Krebs.
Remington Steele Investigations.
That payroll supervisor called the cops.
She must be in on it.
Whatever "it" is.
And they're not gonna stop now.
Whoever "they" are.
- We gotta get that stiff outta here.
- How? I'm open to suggestions.
Oh, sorry, full load.
You'll have to wait for the next cart.
Oh, sorry, honey, I got a full load.
Next cart, okay? I didn't realize Unidac had any ocean property.
Well, it's the president's house.
He likes to get away from the plant every once in a while.
Forget it.
So, uh, what put you onto Burnett in the first place? That's right.
You didn't mention the dead man's name, did you? Got a problem, buddy? Mildred? Mr.
Steele? It's all falling apart! Yeah- Remington Steele Investigations.
This is StarbrightJewelers.
- Hooray for you.
- Is Mr.
Steele in? - Are you kidding? - Would you tell him there's no problem? We're sending the rings over to the church as discussed.
There'll be a small extra charge, of course, but- Oh, wait a minute.
What church? The Little Chapel of Perpetual Happiness.
- Blood test, tuxedo? - Hello? - County Courthouse! - Hello? The Little Chapel of Perpetual Happiness? Oh, my- - Now what? - Miss Holt? - Mildred, where are you? - At the Unidac mail room.
What are you doing there? Somebody called the cops on Alessandra, but it's okay.
I put the body where it'll be lost for hours, if not days.
- Where's that? - Priority mail.
Mildred, I want you to bring Alessandra back here and wait for me.
- Where are you going? - The Little Chapel of Perpetual Happiness.
And now the rings.
The symbol of your troth, your lifelong commitment to one another.
With this ring, I thee wed.
With this ring, I thee wed.
And now we must ask if there is anyone present who knows why these two should not be wed.
Let them speak now or- You'd better believe it, buster! - U-Unbalanced cousin.
- You fraud! You liar! Wait! Wait.
She-You don't happen to have any wet sheets, do you? - You snake! Oh, Ilsa Lund! Blood test! Tuxedo! - Babbles when she gets excited.
- I'll be right back.
- Oh, put me down.
! Calm down.
There you go.
Calm down.
Calm down.
- Don't bite your tongue.
- Where are you taking me? Put me down right here, now! - No.
In you go.
In you go.
- No! - Right in there! - Let me out ofhere.
! Now.
! Someday, Laura, we're both gonna laugh about this.
Don't worry.
Come back here- Sh, sh, sh! Sorry about that.
Don't worry.
She exhausts easily.
She should be down to a dull whimper within moments.
Uh, shall we continue? Very well, uh- If there is anyone present who knows- - Stop the wedding! - Oh.
This marriage is a complete fraud, just like the groom.
Norman Keyes, Vigilance Insurance.
Estelle Becker, Immigration and Naturalization Service.
Nice to see you again, Mr.
I knew you'd pull something like this, Steele.
- I don't know what the man's talking about.
- Come on, get off it.
The alleged bride here is nothing but a two-bit tramp with a rap sheet a mile long.
- Boo! - Watch it, Baldy.
Steele, as I told you in our first interview a marriage of convenience cannot be used to establish residency.
Miss Becker, I assure you, this is not a marriage of convenience.
I deeply, deeply am in love with this young lady here.
- They've got my vote.
- I'm satisfied, for the moment.
Come on! They're as phony as a pair of three-dollar bills! - If you don't mind, Norman.
- This isn't over, Steele.
Jumping ahead a bit, in the interest of time I now pronounce you- - Boss, we got big trouble! - Oh, Mildred, can't this wait? They got Alessandra! Where's Miss Holt? - Ah! Laura, just in time.
- What? - Alessandra's been shanghaied! - Mildred, please! Now, Laura.
I- I'll be back.
Okay? I'll be- Not now, girls.
Out of the road, Bozo! I don't mean to carp, Laura, but could you just slow down a tad? I know how to drive.
I happen to be an excellent driver.
Keep going, Mildred.
I'd like to know more about the wedding, boss.
Oh, it's a Byzantine tale, Mildred, I assure you.
And one we can chat about when this case is over.
Now, what happened at Unidac, Mildred? Okay, after I ditched Burnett's body, I went back to the office, and Alessandra was gone.
And I think I know who's got her.
- What do you know about Omega? - I don't know anything about Project Omega.
- She's lying.
- Look I don't know anything about anything at Unidac.
I'm just a flunky, understand? A cog, a cipher.
Have you read Kafka? - Where's Burnett's body? - I don't know! - Where's Remington Steele? - Fellas, I don't know! I believe her.
In which case, there's no need for further discussion.
- Where- - This part of our plan? Why walk, when you can ride? Let me have the map.
- I think it's straight ahead.
- Uh-huh.
- Wait a minute.
- Hold on.
Laura, get the map! Get the map! We're from Blue Division.
Project Zeta Beta Lambda.
Red Flag.
Green clearance.
Yellow zone.
Arrest these two people over here, will you? There's something reassuring about bureaucracy.
- Let's get Andrews.
Come on.
- Yeah.
Feel free to jump in anytime! No, no, no, no, no, you're doing just fine, Laura.
Oh, well.
Teamwork, eh? Amazing, absolutely amazing! Well, as far as we can piece together, Mr.
Drury, there is no Project Omega at all.
Phony rooms, phony employees, all part of a phantom division within Unidac.
Created by Andrews and key personnel who knew how to manipulate the bureaucracy.
I know my company has gotten a little top-heavy in recent years but I never dreamed anyone could pull off something like this.
- And Omega is a total fake? - Except for the money.
Omega was budgeted at $25 million.
Half of that was from a government grant.
That is what the late Mr.
Burnett stumbled onto- millions of dollars being paid to people and projects he couldn't verify.
Poor sod violated the sacred rule of corporate existence.
- What's that? - Cover your behind and don't ask questions.
- Now, we've got a wedding to attend to.
- Care to freshen up first? Don't worry, I have Handi Wipes in the car.
Come along.
There you go.
Good day.
All right.
Give! Why are you running off in that monkey suit to marry a hooker? Oh, really, Laura, when you say it like that, it all sounds rather distasteful.
- Clarissa's a wonderful girl.
- I didn't even know you two were dating.
Well, it's a- It's a bit complicated.
Why don't you start at the beginning and work your way up to the altar? Uh, that consulting contract you arranged with Vigilance Insurance? - What about it? - It didn't sit well with Norman Keyes.
It seems he took offense at having to report to me on important cases.
I don't hear any wedding bells yet.
Being a petulant prig, he informed Immigration that I was in the country illegally.
Look, I know you were only trying to help when you gave me that passport - in the name of Remington Steele, but- - Wait a minute.
Are you implying that somehow this is all my fault? Don't punish yourself, Laura.
I bear you no grudge.
You were stranded in London.
A man without a country.
That passport got you back into the United States, you lousy ingrate! Laura, Laura, it's very sweet of you to apologize, but there's no need.
The important thing is to get me to the church on time.
Stop this car and let me out.
Sorry, I'm on a rather tight schedule.
The best I can do is slow down.
Laura, come on! Laura! Laura, wait.
Laura, wait.
Please! You don't seem to grasp the gravity of the situation.
If I'm not married to an American citizen by 6:00 this evening I'm going to be thrown out of the country.
So you're going to waltz down the aisle with the Happy Hooker? - Please.
This is no time to be jealous.
- I'm not jealous.
I'm angry! - Can't you tell the difference? - Why are you angry? - I'm the one who's being deported.
- For some cockeyed reason - I expected less of you.
- Less? Less.
L-Less what? Less trickery, less deceit, less of everything that makes me doubt your feelings for me.
- Would you have married me? - Of course not! And I wouldn't have asked you.
I knew if we worked at it hard enough, we'd find something to agree on.
Laura- Laura, look.
I mean how could I have asked you to be part of a ploy, a scam, an arrangement? - Listen to me.
- So you shopped around found the best deal in town and bought Clarissa! I rented actually.
In fact, I'm paying by the hour.
- So I really do need these keys, right now! - No! No! Telephone.
- Uh, Steele here.
- Remington.
I'm sorry.
- Don't be.
I'm on my way.
- Could you contact the minister? I'm only allowed one phone call.
One phone call? That has a very ominous ring to it.
Uh, Clarissa, where are you? Keyes had me busted for soliciting.
Oh, Clarissa, look.
If Death can take a holiday, why can't you? All I did was give him my business card.
Look, I gotta go.
It's time for my strip search.
Clar- Clarissa.
Oh, God.
- Clarissa's in the clink.
- What now? Once I'm settled somewhere, will you visit me occasionally? With these excursion fares now, you can travel anywhere in the world for around $99.
That's it? You're just giving up? Leaving aside the small matter of a bride for the moment there are legal niceties regarding marriage that cannot be overcome in one hour and 10 minutes! You're the Duke of Deception.
Think of something.
Think of something.
I've loved him from the first moment I met him.
He has all the qualities I admire in a man.
Sometimes, he seems too good to be real.
It's almost as though I invented him.
I'd be the happiest woman alive if I could spend the rest of my life by his side.
Why I think that's the most beautiful expression of love I've- I've ever heard.
It comes straight from the heart, Miss Becker.
Oh, I want to believe that.
I want this all to work out.
I want- Hello.
Allow me.
Allow me.
Okay, time to cast off.
Vamoose, amigo! Steele! Steele, you won't get away with this.
It stinks, just like those fish! You can run, but you can't hide! I'll be the last thing you see at night, the first thing you see in the morning.
For better or for worse, Steele, you're mine.
You're mine! Incurable romantic.
Hysterical because he can't be my best man.
Yes, uh, shall we, my dearest? Yes, my darling.
- How do I look? - They say all brides are beautiful.
You're sure this marriage isn't even remotely legal? - Laura, when I make a bargain, I stick to it.
- Okay.
We have a phony marriage license and fake blood test results.
But what about the captain? He still has the authority to marry us.
Absolutely correct, Laura.
Then what are we doing here? Juan's not the captain.
- Who is he? - He cleans fish.
He's very good at it actually.
I do.
- Uh, sí.
- Ah, sí.
- How long do we have to maintain this charade? - Not long.
How long? Two years, at the outside.
Two years? Anything less, and it's not a valid marriage in the eyes of Immigration.
Your turn.
Ah, sí.
I think this is the point where we plight our troth with a kiss.
How are we gonna keep this up for two years? By being the happiest married couple in America.
But we're not really married, you conniving con man! And that's exactly what Keyes will be trying to prove, my blushing bride.
Don't you just love weddings? I just hope I can get this one to stand up in my report.
What are you talking about? We're past the three-mile limit.
This is legal as hell.
- This is the worst day of my life! - Laura, how can you say that? The honeymoon hasn't even started yet, hmm?