Remington Steele (1982) s05e05 Episode Script

Steeled With a Kiss (1)

- Nothing happened between Tony and me.
- I assure you whatever happened between Shannon and me was over a long time ago.
I want you to deliver a package for me.
- Steele agreed.
- If this doesn't work I doubt that you'll have a friend left in the department.
You used me.
You only got close to me to get to him! I didn't have to get close to you to get to him.
- I just got close to you.
- My calling card? - All you have to do is deliver it.
- Archaeology? Immigration? Now espionage? You're a multifaceted fellow.
- And if Helmsley doesn't buy this? - He'll kill you.
- What do you want with my husband? - I'm here to inform him that he's just inherited £1 million.
The earl didn't leave you cash.
- What exactly did he leave? - A castle.
In Ireland.
Why did Helmsley try to kill me? Obviously your little act was very unconvincing.
- Somebody tipped him off! - We're looking for a murderer.
Help me.
Didn't the wire say someone would meet us? Well, perhaps they weren't expecting such a large group.
- I'll get the bags.
- I'll keep an eye on him.
Thank you, Mildred.
Don't you find it the least bit uncomfortable having a murderer along on our honeymoon? He told us he was set up.
I'm sure he'll give us the full details in due time.
The only details he's given us for the last four hours concerns his career in minor league baseball.
- Patience is a virtue, Mr.
Steele.
- Isn't it just? - Any sign of our ride? - Not yet.
- Some royal treatment.
- Excuse me.
- Could you give us directions to Glencree? - Glencree, is it? Youse must be after a spot of trout fishin'.
Uh, no, no, no.
We're trying to get to Ashford Castle.
Ashford Castle? That's a wee bit north of Glencree.
- Not by way of Glencary.
- Did somebody say Glencary? We're trying to get to Glencree.
Ah, you must be after a bit of trout fishin' then.
No, no, no.
We need the directions to Ashford Castle.
- That's a wee bit north of Glencree.
- We know that.
Glencree is a wee bit east of Glencaron.
- How do you get to Glencaron? - Do you see that road over there? Well, uh, don't be takin' it.
Glencree.
This way.
Mikeline O'Flynn, majordomo head factotum, chief of staff- at your service, Your Lordship.
Terence O'Reilly- principal chauffeur assistant mechanic, associate senior transportation captain.
A great pleasure it is, sir, to meet your American Lordship.
It's a pleasure to be met, my good man.
A pleasure indeed.
Yes.
You and Mildred could learn a thing or two from these people, you know that? - This way, Your Lordship.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
Ah, thank you.
This way, Your Lordship.
The new lord and master has arrived.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I think I've found my true calling, Laura.
- Just don't expect me to call you Your Lordship.
- No, certainly not.
We'll save the pet names for the bedroom, eh? Oh! Your Lordship must be tired after his long journey.
Would you like me to show you to your chambers? Excellent idea, Mikeline.
Show the other guests to the east wing.
- We have our own wing? - This way, Your Lordship.
Laura.
The master bedroom.
- Very nice.
- Yes, very nice indeed.
- It's a bit chilly in here.
- I'll look after it right away.
- Is there anything else you need? - No, not at the moment.
Thank you very much.
There you go.
You'll be sure to let me know if there is now, won't you? Oh, you have my solemn oath.
You have my solemn oath.
There you go.
You know, Laura, this place is beginning to grow on me.
I don't think we should be so anxious to sell.
I mean, after all, a man's castle is his home.
It does have a definite romantic charm.
Yes, it does, doesn't it? Speaking of romantic charm if my memory serves me well, we still have some unfinished business to attend to.
Oh.
Oh.
And what would you be hankerin' after, you swift-talkin' American? A magical moment captured in a worthy setting.
Don't lose the mood.
Oh, Liam O'Malley, Your Lordship the senior steam engineer.
- Steam engineer? - Well, it sounds a little bit grander than furnace man.
Mikeline O'Flynn was tellin' me it's heat you'd be needin'.
- Yes, it is a little bit nippy in here.
- I'd be glad to stoke up the furnace, Your Lordship if you'd just attend to this little heating bill.
Huh? Oh, yes.
Absolutely.
£98,000? Well, there's a lot of rooms in the castle, Your Lordship.
Yes, well, I'm sure there are, my good man.
- Here you go.
There you go.
- Fifty p.
Yes, consider it a down payment.
There you go.
There you go.
- Trouble in the boiler room? - Yes, well, I've always liked a brisk castle.
I suppose we could generate our own heat.
Yes, where were we now? That's where we were.
Ryan O'Casey, chief butler, supervising steward, senior chamberlain.
- Congratulations.
- The chef has prepared a small repast which awaits Your Lordship's pleasure in the main dining room.
What the hell.
Let's eat.
- Look what I found in the library.
- What's that? A book on your castle.
This place goes all the way back to the 12th century.
Is that so? It gives one pause, doesn't it, eh? To be an immortal part of history.
Are you ready to be served, Your Lordship? Always ready, Mikeline.
Always ready.
- He said a small repast.
- Must be the appetizer.
I'll see to this.
£87,000 for groceries? - Lot of stomachs in a castle.
- Why do I get the distinct impression that no one's paid a bill around here for the last 50 years? Fifty-nine, to be exact.
Tell me this, Mikeline.
If no one's been paid for the last 59 years, why do they stay? Well, the way we look at it, sir havin' a job that doesn't pay is better than havin' no job at all.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, that's a- That's an interesting perspective.
Well, shall we take a tour of the grounds? - When do we chow down, boss? - We just did.
A boiled potato? Nouvelle cuisine.
Speciality of the castle.
Mustn't overload the palate.
- Shall we? - Would you get my sweater, dear? I left it in the room.
It's under my pink teddy.
Hmm? Anything for my new bride.
I'm stuffed.
Excuse me.
Most guests prefer the front door, Mr.
Chalmers.
- Linda, what a pleasant surprise.
- It's still Laura.
And what are you doing out here lurking about? It's my job to lurk.
Have you forgotten I'm chief of security for the earl of Claridge? God rest his soul.
When I learned the new lord was arriving, I jetted in post haste.
And you have absolutely no idea who the new lord is.
I'm sure I'll meet him soon enough.
The only reason you ever turn up is to recruit Mr.
Steele for one of your hair-brained schemes.
How is Harry these days? You can forget the black lung bit.
The sympathy ploy's been tried, and it doesn't work.
- He's mine now.
- What hold could you possibly have on Harry? - We're married.
- Really? For better or for worse? Guess you were pretty sure you'd seen the last of me, huh? I must admit I never expected the pleasure of your company here in Ireland.
Yeah, well, just how far did you go to see that I wouldn't be around? There's a nuance here that escapes me.
Funny thing Helmsley didn't shoot at you.
He shot at me.
You were the master spy.
I was just the messenger boy.
Yeah, but if he found out he was being set up he should have come after the both of us.
- The luck of the Irish.
- You didn't let anything slip, did you? - Not that I'm aware of.
- Then how'd he figure out I was onto him? Intelligence can be a leaky business at best.
Maybe.
But I'll make you a promise.
If I find out you fingered me, I'm gonna have to kill you.
Bridgit O'Leary, Your Lordship, senior domestic coordinator.
Oh.
Nice to meet you, Bridgit.
- Uh, where's my wife? - Her Ladyship went outside.
- In a hurry she was.
- I see.
Thank you.
Before you be rushin' off, there's a wee matter that calls for your immediate attention.
- £27,000 for polish? - Lots of silver in a castle.
Try stainless.
The cupboards are bare, chief.
What gives? Cash flow crisis, Mildred.
Listen, tell me this.
How's the real estate market in castles these days? Lousy.
This joint's been on the market since 1532.
Mm-hmm.
Perhaps it's time to change brokers, eh? - Here you go, Mrs.
Steele.
- Sean O'Gleeson, Your Lordship senior landscape architect.
Have you stopped to smell the roses lately? Oh, yes.
A familiar scent indeed.
Uh- Uh- Well, come along, Mrs.
Steele.
Let's not keep the man from his bush.
Now, about our uninvited guest.
What's the latest crackpot campaign he's come up with? The latest is that he intends to kill me.
Kill you? Who are you talking about? - Tony.
Who are you talking about? - Harry.
! Daniel! What brings you to Ashford Castle? You do, my boy.
I'm your chief of security.
Oh, yes, of course.
Lots of locks in a castle.
Might I, uh, suggest a tour of your holdings? Yeah.
Oh, yes, of course.
That's-That's a splendid idea, Daniel.
Um, shall we, Mrs.
Steele? I'll leave you two to your holdings.
- Don't be long, dear.
- No.
She's, uh- She's turned into quite a girl, hasn't she, Daniel? Mmm.
They always do until they get what they want.
- Shall we? - Mmm.
I understand you've done some settling down since our paths last crossed.
- Mm-hmm.
- I didn't think you were the marrying kind.
Wedlock has distinct advantages.
Indeed.
I must say I never could understand - your attraction to Linda.
- Laura.
Mmm.
Laura, Linda.
There've been so many, it's hard to keep track.
- Remember the contessa? - Oh, yes.
- The one with the birthmark.
- There.
You see? So many.
A shame to tie yourself down to one.
Oh, Daniel, Daniel, you've always been such an incurable romantic.
Now, listen, tell me.
About this security job.
Is it on the up-and-up, or are you intending to, uh relieve the castle of all its treasures? Oh, it's the straight and narrow for me, Harry.
Living on the edge can become a bit trying as a steady diet.
Mmm.
Who would have thought it, eh? The two of us making an honest go of it after all these years.
Neither of us is getting any younger, my boy.
Tell me, if you had to do it all again, would you change anything? A few things here and there.
This way, Harry.
Oh! And a good mornin' to ya, Your Lordship.
Mary Kate O'Danaher at your service.
Oh, the floor's wet.
We'll come back later.
Oh, no problem, sir.
I don't mind cleanin'up after ya.
You need to save your strength for the long walk home.
Oh, doesn't she live in the castle then? No, she's temporary.
Just, uh, passing through.
Oh, I'll be around for a while, sir.
There's a lot of work left undone.
Back from the tour so soon, you eager beaver? - Tony? - If I say yes, would we have to stop? Mmm! Let go of me! Now- - What have you been doing? - I'll explain later.
You'll explain now! I'm looking at 50 to life, unless I can prove I'm not a traitor.
What makes you think you can find proof here? I don't believe this.
We take you in, hide you from the police protect you from a murder rap we know nothing about and now I find you tearing our room apart like a petty thief? After Steele gave Helmsley the documents, what happened? - Why do you want to know? - I'm trying to save my neck! We went to the police station.
- After that.
- We came back to the hotel packed, caught the train for the night boat to Dublin.
- You know the rest.
- Did he make any calls? - No.
- Did he ever leave your side? - No! - You mean to tell me he never even went to the bathroom? Iron kidneys.
Now, what's this all about? Your husband sold me out to Helmsley.
- Why would he do that? - Ask him.
Laura? Why don't we both ask him? Do you really want him to find us in here, together? Laura, why is the door locked? Coming! Come on.
Come on.
Coming! Mmm! Laura, what took you so long? - Good Lord, what a mess.
- Just doing a little unpacking, dear.
Ro- Rolling around the royal bedspread, Your Ladyship? - It isn't what you think.
- No need to look so guilty, Laura.
Your honeymoon high jinks pale in comparison to this.
Good Lord.
How did you find me? You didn't think I'd give up just because you got an attack of wanderlust, did you? I was rather hoping you would.
I have a job to do.
Well, as I told you, I'd really like to help you but something's come up that demands my full attention.
Fine.
Just return the £25,000 I advanced you and we'll forget about our bargain.
- I'm afraid that won't be possible.
- No 25,000? - No, flown the coop.
- Quaint way of putting it.
The name of a horse actually.
Unlucky nag.
Cheer up, Daniel.
Look what dropped into our lap.
All we have to do is trade Mr.
Roselli for what we need.
And I know just who to trade him to.
Oh, blast.
- Oh.
Uh- - The chief electrician asked me to pass this along.
Chief electrician.
£96,000 of electricity? Lots of lights in a castle, Your Lordship.
Remind me to look into solar energy.
No, no.
No, you've been a big help.
Thanks.
- Mildred, Mildred, please, the room's ablaze.
- But it's getting dark.
Break out the candles.
Have you seen Anthony? He knows better than to get into my line of fire.
- Good thought.
Fire.
- What? Should the castle go up in flames, accidentally of course how much could we claim on the insurance? Sorry, boss.
They tried that in 1856.
- And? - And it's stone walls, three-feet thick.
There's no way you're gonna burn this baby down.
Oh, blast.
Ah, well.
Okay.
Oh, from now on, all phone calls are collect, Mildred.
Heed me.
All phone calls are collect.
Terence, my good man, might you know the whereabouts of my American friend? - He was needin' a ride to the village.
- I'll be needin' the same ride.
- But first, your bill.
- Ah! - Saints be praised for your American Lordship.
- Mm-hmm.
Thank you.
- Mildred, what are you doing? - The boss likes a dark castle.
- Where is he? - He left with the chauffeur.
- Any idea where he was headed? - Beats me.
Oh, but do I have some news about Daniel Chalmers.
You know that line about chief of security? It's as phony as a four-leaf shamrock.
According to the executor of the earl's estate Chalmers turned the job down.
Chalmers? - Keep a light in the window, Mildred.
- Will you settle for a candle? Great sound.
They rehearsing for some kind of a show? No, just regular folk.
Farmers, tradesmen, the like.
- Then why are they singing? - They're Irish.
- Hello? - Tony! - Good to hear your voice again.
- What the hell are you so chipper about? My face is plastered all over the Irish papers.
Well, newspapers do tend to somewhat run behind current events, especially in our business.
Don't give me a lecture on journalism.
You said you'd clean things up! Well, as a man of my word, I have done just that.
We've located the documents.
Helmsley had them all neatly boxed waiting to be delivered to his Russian contact.
Well-Well, then what am I doing hiding here in the bogs? It's safe for you to come home.
Mother forgives you.
Well, that's swell, Mom.
Now, just how do I get out of here? - Where are you? - Where am I? - O'Flanagan's Pub.
- I mean, what city? Well, it's not exactly a city.
I suppose you could call it a town.
But not a town by your standards.
- Well, I guess you'd call it a- - What's the name of it? Glencree, of course! I'm in someplace called Glencree.
That's good, Tony.
That's fine.
There's a house we used on an occasion not far from there.
Um, I'll need a few hours to arrange things.
Look, you give me your telephone number and I'll ring you back as soon as everything is in order.
The number is 86429.
Tony, although I'm generally known as a most forgiving man don't do anything precipitous.
Because I promise you, old dear if you do, you will be returning to London in a box.
You! Where are you going? We're here to see Secretary Kemadov about the serving arrangements for tonight.
Secretary Kemadov is a busy man.
Too busy to waste his time with that.
That's all right, Nikolai.
Please.
So, you are here to make arrangements.
In a manner of speaking.
On the telephone, you said something about a package.
- Interested? - Double agents are always valuable.
- I cannot accept damaged goods.
- He'll be alive.
Are you good Marxists or do you have a more capitalist reward in mind? Two years ago, an American businessman named Robert Peters was arrested for smuggling political refugees through the Iron Curtain.
I want to know where he is, assuming he's still alive.
Why this interest in a common political prisoner? He's the young lady's father.
Of course, you realize I'm merely first secretary for Cultural Affairs.
And we are merely domestics.
Officially, I know nothing about this Robert Peters.
- And unofficially? - I'll see what I can find out.
Let go! Well, well.
What a coincidence.
You know this woman? - Tell him who I am! - Where's your identification? - My what? - Pick up a badge at the front desk and get back to the kitchen where you belong.
- W-Wait a minute! - Take her to the kitchen.
You can't keep me in the kitchen forever.
Good help is so hard to come by.
We have the same problem in my country.
I think I'll take a walk around your lovely village.
Stopping by to have a drop of vodka with your Bolshevik buddies? Everything's all straightened out now, okay? Not as far as I'm concerned, mate.
Laura trusted you, and you used her for your own traitorous means.
I used her? You used her to keep from being deported.
Where I come from, that's one step lower than a pimp.
Come on.
- A fiver on the lad in gray.
! - You're covered, me boyo! - How are the odds? - Even money, me boyo! Even money! Back off! Back off! Go on.
Break it up, fellas.
Break it up.
Break it up.
Ah, well, now.
I think we found our Russian bear.
That house- the one with the red door.
The people in that house can explain everything.
I promise.
Go ahead, ask 'em! This better not be a trick.
Given our past differences, Anthony I suggest a strategic retreat is in order.
Why the hell can't you just say run? Well, Anthony, what do you think of Ireland so far? - I think I owe you an apology.
- Accepted.
Now you know I didn't set you up.
Any ideas who did? The guy that sent me to that house- Fitch.
Huh.
It appears you've dug up two moles for the price of one.
Yeah, only nobody's gonna take my word against his.
- High up in British Intelligence, is he? - Top rung.
Oh.
Ironic.
Only you, me and- - And what? - And the Russians know you're innocent.
- Kemadov.
- Obviously not an Irishman.
A spy as high up as Fitch would only contact one man- Kemadov.
Yeah.
How might we find, uh, Comrade Kemadov? Soviet Embassy in Dublin.
If I can get him to point the finger at Fitch I might get out of this with my skin.
Hey, easy, easy now, bucko.
Seeing as your face is familiar as Paddy's pig don't you think it might be wiser if I get a lay of the land? You're saying you're gonna help me? Seeing as I'm already on the hook for harboring a fugitive I don't see what difference it's gonna make kidnapping a K.
G.
B.
Agent.
Look, uh, that crack I made about you being lower than a pimp? - I was outta line.
- Yes, you were.
All right.
Stay out of sight until I get back from Dublin.
Lock the door.
- Safe and sound.
- Ah- - Ah.
- Excuse me, Your Lordship.
- Yes? - There's a policeman downstairs - who'd like to ask you some questions.
- Ah.
- Will I show him in? - Uh, no, no, no.
Just, uh, give me five minutes, then show him into the study downstairs.
- All right, sir.
- Yeah.
Love your hydrangeas.
Really.
Detective Inspector O'Brien, Your Lordship.
Thank you, Mikeline.
Thank you.
Come in, Inspector.
Good day to you, sir.
Sean O'Casey.
Shadow of a Gunman.
Always leaves me breathless Oh.
Ah, yeah.
And, uh, what brings you to Ashford Castle, Inspector? Well, uh, have you seen this man, sir? Mmm.
Oh, yeah.
Beady eyes.
Yes.
Ah, look at that.
Dishonest scowl.
Obviously a hardened criminal.
- Well, he's wanted for espionage.
- Is he? And my men think they saw him headin' for your castle.
Uh-huh.
Well, we'll keep a weather eye out for him, Inspector.
And I'll tell you this, if we get wind of any Communists up here you shall be the first to hear about it, Inspector, okay? - Thank you.
- Nice to meet you.
Glorious day, isn't it? Lovely.
Thanks again.
You've been most cooperative.
There you go now.
Bye-bye, Inspector.
- Good-bye, sir.
- Bye-bye.
Anybody home? - Mildred, what's the matter? - Ghosts.
The boss's castle is haunted.
Here.
"Sir Dennis O'Keefe, slain in the 14th century during the battle of O'Mongan roams the castle when the moon is full calling for his beloved Margaret Mary.
" Speaking of free spirits, has Mr.
Steele materialized? He put on his tux and left.
- What about Daniel Chalmers? - He put on his tux and left too.
Oh, honey, what about Sir Dennis? Tell him to put on his tux and follow the crowd.
Uh, sorry.
I hate to trouble you but, uh, I seem to have dropped a cuff link just around the corner.
- Could I trouble you for a light there? - Bien sûr.
Après vous.
Bonsoir.
- Your package as promised.
- Excellent.
And now, your end of the bargain, Secretary Kemadov? We have no bargain until he talks.
My dear man, he can hardly say much while he's unconscious.
Then we will have to wait.
That was not part of the agreement.
How do I know he's worth anything till we have a chance to chat? And what are we supposed to do in the meantime? Try the caviar.
- Harry! - Oh, Daniel.
Rubbing elbows with our Eastern cousins? I didn't realize you went in for these diplomatic soirees.
Late invitation.
I thought I'd see how the other side lives.
You, uh, couldn't point out Secretary Kemadov, could you? - He's upstairs.
- Oh.
Oh, where are my manners? Countess Inga Olafson, Mr.
Remington Steele private investigator par excellence.
It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr.
Steele.
The pleasure's all mine, I'm sure.
The countess has graciously called on me to escort her this evening.
Haven't we met before somewhere, Countess? Oh, I'm sure I would remember a face like yours.
That's very kind of you to say that.
- But I'm sure we've met somewhere.
- I am a woman of many interests.
Mmm.
And many accents.
I was rather partial to your Irish brogue, I must say.
Didn't I make a convincing scrubwoman? - Mmm.
You made one fatal mistake.
- What was that? You were the only one who didn't present me with a bill.
Tell me, Daniel, what are you doing here, by the way? - High stakes roulette, my boy.
- Really? Damned Russian vodka sticks in the throat.
- Uh-huh.
- Ah, the Belgian attaché.
Come along, my dear.
Catch you later, Harry.
Easy.
- I thought I told you to lay low.
- I did.
Then why didn't you stay at the castle? I walked into my room, and the lights went out.
- Now what? - Bag him.
Do you always make your security rounds dressed in black tie? Even the help gets the night off every now and then.
Why don't we drop the charade? I know you're not the chief of security.
- You turned the job down.
- A minor technicality.
You came here because you knew he'd be here, didn't you? The night air catches in the throat.
If you'll excuse me, I really must turn in before I get a chill.
It's not the Irish air and it's not the Irish damp.
You have more pills in here than a drugstore.
Leave it to Linda to dig until she comes up with all the morbid little details.
I know you and I have had a strained relationship at best.
We've always been vying for the same object.
Why don't we take off the gloves and talk truth for a change? I don't like the truth.
I've spent my whole life dancing around its edges.
You want the truth? Here it is.
I'll take fantasy any day.
- I'm sorry.
- No need.
Harry will finally be yours irrevocably.
Even a consummate artist of deception can't outfox the Grim Reaper.
Does that satisfy your thirst for the truth? I found something else.
Pretty tune.
- What are you doing with it? - A meaningless bauble.
It belonged to the Earl of Claridge.
He meant it to go to his son.
But it was stolen before his son could receive it.
And then it came to Mr.
Steele with a note which said "Your father always wanted you to have this.
Signed, Patrick O'Rourke.
" - The thief gave it to O'Rourke.
- To give it to the thief's son? A father wants to leave some legacy to his children, no matter how small.
You still haven't told me what this is doing among your belongings.
I'm afraid I stole it.
Again.
You're the thief? You've uncovered quite a Pandora's box, Laura.
As difficult as it may be to believe the man you call Remington Steele is my son.