Remington Steele (1982) s05e06 Episode Script

Steeled With a Kiss (2)

Previously on Remington Steele.
Just don't expect me to call you Your Lordship.
No, certainly not.
We'll save the pet names for the bedroom, eh? Tony? Your husband sold me out to Helmsley.
Most guests prefer the front door, Mr.
Chalmers.
Linda.
What a pleasant surprise.
Guess you were pretty sure you'd seen the last of me.
Laura trusted you, and you used her.
You used her to keep from being deported.
Where I come from, that's one step lower than a pimp.
The last time I visited the earl he told me his most painful regret was that he never got to see his son again.
Having just found out my own odds were getting a bit long, I told him the truth.
After all, he once thought Harry was his son.
It was the first time in over 30 years I'd told anyone I was his real father.
Is that why the earl left Mr.
Steele- Harry- the castle? He was the nearest the earl ever came to finding his own son.
He hoped the castle might somehow bring Harry and me together.
How am I supposed to believe any of this? The first time I met you, you had more passports with more aliases than Mr.
Steele did.
How do I know this isn't just another in a long line of your scams? You don't.
If it is true if you are his father, you've got to tell him.
He deserves to know.
He's done quite well without knowing.
And he's learned to cope with whatever anger he feels toward his father.
But that anger is based on a father he never knew.
Give him a father, and you could eliminate that anger.
Or bring it to a boil.
You can't not tell him.
My dear Laura you're a lovely young lady and Harry's extremely lucky to have you.
But this is between him and me.
- Who's the old guy with Laura? - That old guy could run circles around the both of us.
- This place looks like a dungeon.
- Uh-huh.
In there.
In there.
Okay, right there.
Come on.
There you go, sunshine.
Come on.
That's a boy.
Roselli- I'm not the mole.
Fitch is.
He's setting me up, and you know it.
- I know nothing.
- You give me Fitch or I'll keep your butt down here so long they'll think you gave him to me anyway! Easy! Easy! Easy! If I were you, I'd talk fast.
This guy's serious.
I know nothing of Fitch! Hey, come on, come on, come on.
Easy.
Come on, come on.
- Hope I wasn't too rough on you.
- Oh, nonsense.
No, no.
A good chiropractor and I'll be shipshape in a couple of days.
- We oughta give him another dose in about half hour or so.
- Yeah.
Good thinking.
Though I normally like to believe that honesty is the best policy I don't think Laura would condone our kidnapping a K.
G.
B.
Section chief.
Yeah.
What she doesn't know won't hurt her, right? My sentiments exactly.
Your toast.
To Laura.
Um.
Laura.
Ah, Laura.
What's going on? The last time I saw you was in the newspaper.
You were wanted for espionage and murder.
Tabloid sensationalism.
Slipshod reporting.
- You know how the Irish love to exaggerate these things.
- Yeah.
Would you excuse us, please? Sure.
Good night.
- Bonsoir.
- Thanks.
Laura? Laura? What? Oh, sorry.
Uh, so what's with, uh, you and Daniel? Daniel? I mean Tony.
Why-Why are you two so chummy all of a sudden? - Well, let's just say he's not the ogre we thought he was.
And, uh, speaking of chummy, what were you and Daniel chatting about? Daniel and I? When? Outside a few minutes ago.
Uh, nothing.
Nothing at all.
I've misjudged Daniel, you know? He's, uh, really a very fine man.
Really? I'll be right back.
- Where are you going? - To get Daniel.
- Why? - Since we're all getting along so well I- I thought I'd invite him to- to share a nightcap with us.
Don't leave.
No.
Poor fellow.
His lumps must have grandchildren by now.
If he'd stayed at the embassy, we wouldn't have had to hit him again.
You're right.
It's his fault.
Sir Dennis! Sir Dennis! Just a minute, Mr.
Chalmers.
Leaving so soon? I thought I'd take a midnight cruise.
In the trunk? You were planning on leaving without telling him, weren't you? I really wish you wouldn't concern yourself with this.
Well, I am concerned.
Damn concerned.
Your problem will be solved one way or the other.
I'll be the one stuck living with the secret.
- Delicately put, Laura.
- Go ahead and make your jokes.
But it isn't fair to Mr.
Steele and it isn't fair to me.
You're right.
It's time for the truth.
- Oh, Daniel.
- Harry, my boy, I've something to tell you.
Oh, come in.
It was a terrible, terrible occurrence the last time a man saw the ghost of Ashford Castle.
Oh, terrible carnage, I remember.
Bodies strewn all over the place.
- You mean it was multiple murders? - Multiple hangovers.
Some people claimed it was the whiskey that did it.
- I meself think it was the rum.
- Well- What does that have to do with the ghost of Sir Dennis? Well, that's the mystery of it, you see, madam.
The furnace room.
The noisy beast has scared the livin' daylights out of me since time immemorial.
I'm so sorry.
It's all so tragic.
Death always is.
Poor Daniel.
He loved that dog so much.
What dog? Montague- his cocker spaniel.
You mean to tell me you have been in there talking about a cocker spaniel named Montague? Mmm.
And what a little cocker he was too.
- Where is he? - He's in the garden, Laura.
He's composing himself.
Oh, why, that- that- Really, Laura, it's only a dog.
It gets a tad brisk down here, doesn't it? It gets even worse as the night wears on, of course.
If it were up to me, I'd let you go.
You know that, don't you? But, uh, well, Anthony- He's young.
Very determined young man.
So, who was this guy anyway, boss? And what was he doing in chains? Uh, he was, um- He was, um, the furnace repairman.
He tried to overcharge me.
I had to rough him up.
- Chief.
- Please, Mildred.
Trust me on this one.
Just trust me.
Oh, by the way I think I found out who we can dump this white elephant on.
- Really? - Yeah.
I'll give it to the government.
- Uh-huh.
- Why not? It's been tried before- in 1635, 1767 and 1889.
- Zero for three? - You got it.
- I beg your pardon, Your Lordship.
- Yes? I've just had a report from the entire staff who searched the entire castle for Mr.
Roselli.
And search they did now from room to room, front to back, top to bottom.
- D-Did they find him? - Not a trace.
- Kemadov.
- Furnace repairman? - Mikeline, have Terence bring the car around the front.
- It's being done as we speak.
Okay.
It was the- Never mind.
Third Secretary Petrossian.
How may I help you? We told the guard we'd like to see Secretary Kemadov.
I'm afraid this is impossible.
Secretary Kemadov is indisposed at the moment.
If you would be kind enough to tell the secretary that Miss Peters and Mr.
Chalmers are here on urgent business I'm certain he would want to see us.
And what precisely is this "urgent business"? The secretary will know what it concerns.
Secretary Kemadov is in conference and cannot be disturbed.
You may, however, try tomorrow.
Good day.
- That doesn't sound good.
- I have a nagging cold.
I can't seem to shake it.
He's hiding something.
You suppose Kemadov is avoiding me because he's found out my father's dead? You're close to your father, aren't you? The last time I saw my father we were arguing about where we should eat.
We were always arguing about everything.
We never got along.
I don't want it to end on that note.
- Kemadov! - Must have been quite a conference.
- Where have you been? - Well, I was- I took a walk and got lost and fell into a bog.
Why are you here? The same reason we were here last time.
- Roselli? - Damn right Roselli! What is it with you people anyway? We go to all the trouble to bring in your agent, and you turn around and let him go.
- It does seem rather sloppy of you, old boy.
- No matter.
The bargain is still the same.
You find Roselli, I find your father.
Well, you'd better put your rubles where your mouth is, comrade.
Roselli is upstairs in the same room that we left him in last time.
He's gone! They certainly don't make gunnysacks the way they used to.
Having a little sport at the expense of the Russian bear, comrades? - He was here five minutes ago.
- This sort of jest won't help secure information about your father, Miss Peters! He's probably still on the grounds.
Guards! Who are you? I was a guest at your little soirée last night.
Your people certainly know how to put away the vodka, don't they? What are you doing here? Well, believe it or not actually, I lost my lighter.
Perhaps you've seen it.
It's a little gold lighter about this size.
I was given it by my great-grandmother, who inherited it from her Greek uncle.
Wait here.
Where could this lighter be, huh? Ah.
It's right under there.
You see? By the leg.
See that? Grab a hand.
What on earth are you doing? That man's a Russian agent.
You could get yourself killed.
Not if you keep your trap shut, pal.
Come on, Laura.
You go ahead.
I'll catch up.
- I'm not leaving you here.
- They're not after me.
They're after you.
Besides, I've got unfinished business here.
Go.
Do you realize, young woman, that you've developed an infallible knack for upsetting my plans over the years? You're a coward.
You say you want to spend your last days with your son, and then you lie to his face.
- Laura, believe me, it's not- - I don't care what scam you're involved in this time.
Your charm doesn't work on me.
You've made your choice.
And you know something? I think you've made the right one.
I'm glad you haven't told Mr.
Steele the truth.
He's better off imagining the strong father he deserves than finding out he's the son of a cowardly con artist.
Rest in peace.
There you are.
I've been looking all over for you.
Sorry about the beaning.
That lighter meant a great deal to me.
You cannot possibly be as stupid as you appear which means you are far too clever for your own good.
Steady now.
What about diplomatic immunity, eh? You son of a- Do you understand Russian, my friend? Just enough to get by in the better restaurants.
You weren't ordering a portion of borscht by any chance, were you? Be very still, English, or they will be holding diplomatic funeral for you.
Secretary Kemadov.
What a surprise.
You look terrible.
I took a walk, got lost and fell into a bog.
Yes, well, the bogs of Dublin can be rather, uh, incapacitating.
Yes.
Everybody should watch their step.
- And who are you? - I was just beginning to find out, Secretary.
I just popped in to find my missing lighter.
Perhaps you've seen it.
Collector's item of Italian descent.
It's got a little blemish on the side.
Looks rather like a mole.
This is the worst answer since Eisenhower said, "U-2? What U-2?" I will handle the interrogation now, Nikolai.
You have been most diligent.
You are not in the best condition.
You should lie down and recover from your accident.
I said I will handle it.
I believe somebody may have already recovered your lighter.
I see.
Yes, well, in that case, I'll take my leave.
Perhaps next time I can repay the hospitality.
This is Russian territory, my friend.
You go when I say you can go.
Please, sit.
I'll have some of our famous Russian tea sent in.
It is, how you say, a taste sensation.
What were you doing in that gunnysack? - What were you doing in that embassy? - Following the gunnysack.
- Why? - Because Daniel had it.
- Who's Daniel? - Nobody important.
Well, he's pretty important to me.
That's the second time I've been blindsided.
And when I get- He's using me.
He's using me to make some sort of deal with Kemadov.
Who's Kemadov? He's the only chance I've got to clear my name.
Look, Laura, I'm no traitor.
I was set up by the real traitor- a guy named Fitch.
Now if Fitch gets to Kemadov before I get to Kemadov I'll die a traitor.
Sounds as if you should have stuck to archaeology.
I'd give anything to be playing Tarzan and Jane with you again.
- What are you going to do? - Well, I still need Kemadov.
But if I try and get into the embassy, I'm probably gonna be shot.
I can get in.
No.
No way.
I can't ask you to risk it.
Risk what? Who do you think just helped you escape- Houdini? - You're confusing me.
- That's good, isn't it? No, it's- it's not.
I know your marriage is phony.
But phony or not, I wouldn't get in the way if Steele's the one you really want.
- What do you want me to say? - Say there's no juice.
- Say there's no spark between us, and I'll step aside.
- All right, there isn't.
There's no juice, no spark, no embers, no anything.
I don't believe you.
I don't believe you don't feel something for me.
All right, I do.
Are you happy? - Yeah.
- Oh.
Maybe a year or so ago, if we would have met then things might have been different, but- It's taken four years for Mr.
Steele and me to get this close.
Four years of us trying to get this close.
I can't pull back now.
Do you understand? Sure.
But that doesn't mean I'm gonna quit trying.
Where is your Mr.
Chalmers? I'm not sure exactly.
He seems to have disappeared.
No matter.
You don't need him to locate Roselli.
How many times do I have to bring you Roselli before you get me information on my father? As many times as it takes.
- You're asking a lot.
- You want a lot.
But I have kept my end of the bargain, twice.
It's time for you to ante up.
Where is my father? First, Roselli.
I don't work for free anymore.
Your father is alive.
It is true.
I found out yesterday.
Where is he? I don't know.
That is also true.
I promise to find out, of course, if you- All right.
On one condition- that you tell me where my father is as soon as Roselli is delivered to you.
I don't want to get burned if he slips through your fingers again.
You just worry about delivery.
It may take me some time.
I have to track him down again.
I have the hound who may lead you to him.
All you have to do is to unleash him.
He's upstairs waiting for his Russian tea.
I brought you some Russian tea.
A Swedish countess bringing Russian tea? And here I thought your country was neutral, much like your accent.
- I came to help you escape.
- The tea that bad, is it? You're not the only one who's in trouble with Kemadov.
So is Daniel.
Daniel? What kind of trouble? - I'm not sure, but he needs your help.
- Oh, I see.
So you're doing this for Daniel, not for me? You're a tough man to rescue, Mr.
Steele.
I just don't want to find myself jumping out of the frying pan into the fire.
There's only one way to find out.
Oh, dear.
Oh, it's okay.
That's- Oh, don't worry.
- Ouch.
- Is that a yes? Let's just say I never look a gift horse in the mouth.
Nyet.
You clumsy idiot! Get away! Tell me about Secretary Kemadov.
He is up to something.
I'm sure of it.
He was gone all last night with some foolish excuse about falling into a bog.
Do you suppose he's making arrangements to defect? He has been meeting with many very suspicious Westerners lately.
Allows them to roam free through the embassy, as though it were some Holiday Inn.
- Do you suppose he's made contact with Roselli? - Maybe.
Comrade Kemadov carries a great many secrets around with him not the least of which is my service to your country.
Wouldn't do to have him share that little indiscretion with our American cousins.
After all I have a pension to think about.
Good work.
I always had to take the trash out when I was a kid.
Roselli! Get after him! Ah, Mikeline, my good man, I need you to launch another one of your full-scale searches.
Who might the object be this time, Your Lordship? - The same one we didn't find last time.
- Mr.
Roselli, is it? I'll round up the staff, and we'll search every inch of the castle, room by room, top to bottom- Yes, thank you very much, Mikeline.
Just go, will you? Hope you don't mind, but before we go to Daniel, I have to find someone.
He's a curly-haired gentleman, rather Italian looking with a dimple in his chin.
- I'll be happy to help, if it will speed things along.
- Thank you very much.
Could you take the basement? Thank you.
- Daniel.
- Harry, where have you been? Escaping from the Soviet embassy with the help of your Swedish what do you call it, countess.
Yes, Marisa has a definite flair for international relations.
- What seems to be going on? - She's looking for her father.
A task that's painfully familiar to you.
- Mmm.
- However there's another game.
A dry and droll one, which doesn't concern the countess or the Russians.
Do you remember when first we met? You were all of what, 14? You tried to pick my pocket.
I did pick your pocket.
I saw right then you had a rare talent.
A bit unrefined, perhaps, but a talent nonetheless.
Well, you certainly polished it.
In all the years we've known each other I've never told you about the most exquisite lady ever to grace my life.
What she saw in me, I'll never know.
Unfortunately, I was too young to seize what might so easily have been mine.
Instead, I tried to pull off a most wildly ambitious caper and went to prison instead.
While I was incarcerated I learned she was with child- my child.
She died giving birth.
The baby was put up for adoption.
By the time I was released, I had no idea where he was.
I wandered around, uh several years.
Aimlessly really and- Then one day, I suddenly realized I desperately wanted to find my son.
And, uh, did you find him? Eventually.
Do you remember when you told the earl you suspected your real father had stolen this watch? You were right, Harry.
Come on, Daniel.
What are you playing at? I'm afraid you can stop looking for your father.
Why didn't you tell me this 20 years ago? I wanted to.
Believe me, a hundred times over, but- And by the time I found you, you'd- you'd built up so much hatred against your father, that I thought it best to be your mentor instead.
- And why now? - Let's just say it's time.
Oh, time.
Oh, time, is it? Really.
Time.
After 20 years, you suddenly decide it's time? Who the bloody hell do you think you are to come waltzing in here and say to me after 20 years, "Here, my boy.
Here I am.
I am your father.
I have lived an aimless life.
Here's the watch"? You selfish- For 20 years, I've tried to imagine who you are where you were, what you did, were you alive, were you breathing and all that time you were standing there in the flesh and blood right beside me! My God! Here.
You take your watch.
I don't want your watch.
Boss? Boss? Boss, wait-Wait a minute.
Everyone's been looking for you.
And Tony can't be found anywhere.
Although, if you ask me, I think that's just swell.
Oh, that bozo.
Boy, he's got some nerve.
Did you know that he- Boss? You okay? Mmm.
Mmm.
Couldn't be better.
I've just had a birthday.
Come again.
My father breezed into my life.
- Your father? - Gave me a sad story and a gold watch.
- Who? - I liked the gold watch better actually.
- For cryin' out loud, who are we talking about? - Daniel.
Daniel? D- Daniel Chalmers? Are you sure? Of course I'm sure.
Why are we having this stupid conversation? Why don't you just go back and look for Anthony, okay? Why aren't you jumping for joy and passing out cigars? This is great news, isn't it? Oh, yeah, it's great.
It's really great news.
Indeed.
I mean, a little late, but it's great news.
You're right.
He deserted you.
He walked out.
He left you high and dry when you needed him the most.
He's probably got some stupid story about why he did it.
But he did it, and that's what counts.
So he came back.
So what? Uh-uh.
No, no, no.
It's too late, I say.
You've gone this long without a father, hell you can go the rest of your life without needing him.
Dirty little bum.
Who does he think he is wanting his son back after all these years? Oh, no, you make him pay, kiddo.
Make him pay.
He deserves it.
Yeah.
Oh, boss.
Boss, hey, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Is this the way you want it to go down? I remember the first time you bought that suit.
You used it to con that poor salesman into flying you all around the States gratis.
Ah, but it was my faithful servant who reassured the hapless fellow I was thinking of purchasing the plane.
The fuel costs alone must have been astronomical.
What about the time we parted that loathsome limey- - Hoskins.
- Hoskins.
From his ill-gotten gain? Not only that, but we proved he was a murderer to boot.
By my untimely death, if memory serves me.
Do you remember the time you posed as a colonel in the Royal Hussars? What about the time you passed yourself off as the heir to a duke's fortune? - Or you as an ambassador? - Or you as a prince? Or you as- Never mind.
There's too many.
Oh, Harry.
Hey.
Oh, dear, dear, dear me.
We've really shared some good times, haven't we? The best.
I've always thought of you as the father I never really had.
Well, I believe this calls for a toast.
Okay.
Where is the wet stuff? There it is.
Uh, now that the cat's out of the bag perhaps there's something you can finally tell me.
Lord knows Laura's been bothering me enough all these years.
Anyway, uh what I would like to know is- What's my real name? Daniel? Sorry to barge in on Your Lordship.
I wouldn't have intruded unless it was important but there's a man delivering caskets downstairs.
- Caskets? - By the hundreds! Do me a favor, Roselli.
Next time you want to capture me, just ask.
There won't be a next time, Kemadov.
You won't be goin' anywhere until you give me Fitch.
So, you might as well get comfortable.
In that case, perhaps I could have a drink.
What would you like? A black Russian.
Just as I told you, Your Lordship- caskets comin' out of your ears.
You sure you have the right castle? Beggin' your pardon, ma'am, but how many Ashford Castles do you think there are now? - Who ordered them? - A gentleman by the name of Daniel Chalmers.
Daniel? Well, it's certainly his signature.
Why would he order three? To détente.
Not in my lifetime, my friend.
I'm a loyal Communist.
- You can threaten me, beat me- - Sounds like fun.
But I will not betray Comrade Fitch! - Traitor! - No! Wait! Moscow shall hear of your treachery! Wait! I can explain everything! Sounds like we may need all the caskets yet.
This is not the way it looks! Sorry, Kemadov, but I had to do it.
You? You idiot! Do you realize what you have done? Petrossian will tell the K.
G.
B.
I'm a traitor.
Then perhaps you should consider defecting.
Thanks to you I have no other choice now.
I couldn't let you get away without finding out where my father is.
How do you expect me to find out if I'm defecting? - You mean you still don't know? - No.
Every time I went to check, somebody hit me over the head.
I want to defect! This used to be such a peaceful village before all these damn foreigners came pokin' about.
- Did you find anything? - Bullet holes in the parlor.
- What's going on? - I'm sorry to intrude, Mr.
Steele but an eyewitness saw Anthony Roselli driving the same car that's sittin' out front.
My castle is your castle.
McMurty, come with me.
You two, upstairs.
I don't mean to alarm you, but Tony is here.
He is? Well, he's a pro.
I'm sure he can handle himself.
Hey, Fitch.
! We've stumbled across some pertinent information, Your Lordship regarding Mr.
Chalmers's overabundance of caskets.
- And pertinent it certainly is- - Mikeline! Sorry.
Madam.
All I know is that they're a part of a plan Daniel had to smuggle my father through the iron curtain.
He said he was just waiting for a body.
Three caskets and a body? What could his plan possibly be? Of course! It's the oldest con in the world- the shell game.
- The shell game, Your Lordship? - Three shells and a pea.
The object of the game is to keep the shells moving so the player loses track of which shell the pea is under.
How do you get from three shells and a pea to three caskets and a body? It's the same principle- Daniel was planning to ship his body and the caskets to wherever her father was waiting.
Leaving the authorities totally confused long enough for her father to make the switch and smuggle himself back to the West in the same casket that Daniel arrived in.
- Oh, Daniel, you've outdone yourself again.
- How did he figure that out? Like father, like son.
It's a clever plan, but it's a useless one.
He's right.
We don't know where my father is.
Well- Tony, what happened to you? I got Fitch tied up in the boathouse, but this place is crawlin' with cops.
You gotta help me get him out of here.
Come on.
Mr.
Steele.
! Would you be in the back, by any chance? - Quick! In here! - Here you go.
Can't find Mr.
Roselli anywhere about.
That's interesting.
You don't suppose he might be in one of these, do you? - Look at that.
- There you are, you little turncoat.
Are you out of your mind, Steele? You're a loyal son of Erin, Mr.
Steele.
He's a loyal son of something, all right.
- How could you do that? - We didn't quite have enough caskets to go around.
Forgive me, Marisa, but I don't know how I'm gonna get your father back.
Don't worry about me.
I wouldn't be able to find my father in time to make Daniel's plan work anyway.
- Do what you have to do.
- What have you got up your sleeve? In order to clear Anthony, we have to get Comrade Kemadov there to the States and Mr.
Fitch to London.
- So that Kemadov can expose Fitch.
- Precisely.
Good luck.
We wouldn't make it alive.
Which is exactly why Mr.
Steele's idea is to kill you.
Merely expanding on Daniel's original plan.
We'll take all three.
I love baseball.
Welcome home, Mr.
Fitch.
This is not Secretary Kemadov! Incredible mistake, or he defected.
But he's going to be buried as a national hero tomorrow.
What do we do? - Seal the casket.
- Nyet.
! You want to tell the Kremlin their national hero defected? In London, a military funeral was held today for the man who spearheaded the exposure and subsequent capture of British Intelligence double agent, Sterling Fitch.
In gratitude for his heroics Daniel Chalmers was posthumously knighted.
In a related ceremony in Moscow, a high ranking K.
G.
B.
Official Sergei Kemadov, was given a hero's burial for what the Kremlin ambiguously described as assorted heroic activities on behalf of the state.
Only Daniel could end up being buried as a national hero in both London and Moscow.
It's the ultimate con.
He deserves nothing less.
- You're a good son.
- Huh.
Well, I only wish I could have spent more time with him.
On the other hand, you spent 20 years with him.
Yeah.
Well, one thing's for certain- I'm not gonna waste precious time showing people who are close to me how I feel for them.
Care to elaborate, Mr.
Steele? Well, we have the castle to ourselves Mrs.
Steele.
- Where are the servants? - Out celebrating.
I decided to give them the castle.
That was awfully generous of Your Lordship.
The act of a desperate lord, I assure you.
- Where's Mildred? - I decided to give her Mikeline.
- There's nothing between us and the bedroom door? I'll get the phone.
You turn down the covers.
Mm-hmm.
Hello? - Well, they finally released me.
- Never doubted it for a moment.
I still think Steele's plan was a little risky.
- Kemadov cleared you, didn't he? - Laura, listen.
What we talked about earlier still stands.
Laura.
! This really isn't the best time to discuss that, Tony.
- Laura, I'm not gonna give up on you.
- Bed's turned down.
I have to go right now.
- Okay.
When can I see you? - Plumping the pillows.
Coming! I gotta go.
Bye.
Let it ring.