Reno 911! (2003) s05e06 Episode Script

mtv networks K Talk to me.
We got a call about a pipe bomb inside the high school.
So we're using our new high-tech bomb robot.
It's got a mini 14 assault rifle, night vision, it's made in France.
Dangle: Made in France.
State of the art.
- Oh, there it is.
There it is.
- Ok.
Ok! Talk to me.
Talk to me.
- I got it! I got it! - You got it! That's right! Whoo! Good job! Wait, wait, wait! - Uh, you want to stop it there? - Press stop! It's not stopping! - Oh shit! - Push the stop button.
Who speaks French? Anyone? What's mise aux feu? [gunfire.]
[screaming.]
[gunfire.]
I can't get up.
Oh, god.
Turn it off! Sheriff's department freeze! Get on the ground.
Freeze! [gunfire.]
Ohhh! What? What? All right.
This is not a show! The tornado.
No! Hell, no! We won't blow! Yeah! He's my friend.
Yah! Man: Right on the ground.
Put it right on the ground.
Aah! Trudy: So, then I just took dried macaroni, And I glued it onto a vase.
Oh.
And then I put, I think they were buttons- Uh, guys.
Big news.
Um, do you remember how I told you That my father abandoned me when I was a little boy; He left me, my mother then later killed herself, And I was sent to live with my uncle frederick? In the meantime, My dad went and started a new family in chicago- A black family.
Uh, now, my dad, it turns out, is dead.
Oh No, no, no, no.
Fuck him, fuck him! He was a total- total turkey, abandoned me.
I was forced to live with my uncle frederick.
Long story short: I have these black siblings, erique and bethany, That live in chicago.
They are coming here to settle the will.
Oh, good for you.
Somebody's about to get paid.
Anyway, I-I want to give the impression That I'm a little bit less Of a creepy, weird, gay guy, you know? So, basically, I'm just sort of looking for, I want a girlfriend for the night.
Not it.
I'd do anything for you, girlfriend.
But this time, uh, ray-ray, I really kind of wanted to go urban.
pretty, pretty please be my black girlfriend Oh, come on.
Be his black girlfriend.
it's only for one night it's only for one night be my black girlfriend be my black girlfriend, please Why do I feel like the undertone of That singing is that it's mandatory? 'cause it is.
Look at this.
Idiots! Oh! Ohh I see we got a couple more takers for the $50 challenge, brothers.
No.
You want to go 2 on 1, I'll take it 2 on 1.
Tag-team, handicap.
First blood.
However you want to- No, it is illegal to have backyard wrestling matches, And you can't have that, sir, so we're shutting this down And you're gone- It's illegal to look this good and be this bad, brothers! - Come on, little birdies.
- No! We're not doing that! Alright? - Chirp, chirp little birdies! - Everybody, we're leaving.
- Don't you threaten us.
- Everybody stop this! This is illegal- Don't sing it, bring it! What? Free head butt.
My head's as hard as a coconut.
Try it, brother.
Well, it's not harder than my stick sir.
It's gonna crack your head in half.
No, let's not do this.
You want me to put the cage up, brother? We'll do a cage match.
Oh! We got a cage for you.
We got a cage for you downtown.
Cage match! Hell in a cell, brothers.
Smash 'em down to china, brothers.
Junior? Travis? Hi.
Let's go.
Come on, now, junior.
Come on.
Come on! Go ahead.
Whaa! Bring it.
Let's go, junior.
Come on, June bug.
So, you know my tragic life story, right? Yes.
Anyhoo, so Yes, you drove your daddy away.
Oh, no, no, no.
I didn't drive my daddy away.
Who said I drove my daddy away? My daddy left on me and my mama.
Then she-pow! Then I was raised by uncle frederick Who was kicked out of the jesuits.
And you don't blame yourself at all for you daddy -? No! Going away, and your mom-pow! No! Interesting.
We got a 911 call at the local brothel, the cathouse.
Ho! Sheriff's department! Somebody causing some trouble.
- Oh son of a gun! - Oh, here we go.
Everything's under control, ma'am.
Everything's under control.
Ho, ho, ho, ho! The dispute's here.
Andrew, andrew, andrew did you call 911? Yes, I did.
I did call 911.
I am happy to admit it, Because there has been injustice.
I got off work, all right? And I just wanted to come here, you know, Just to shake it off, shake off the- - Have sex at the brothel.
- Have sex.
I didn't even go to the sex- Put your penis into things.
I only had $15.
So what I wanted.
Was a creme de menthe bj on my member, all right? - Clarify, clarify, clarify.
- Creme de menthe.
The young ladies will put creme de menthe in their mouth- They drink it? They will go On your member, And give you pleasure, And that gives you that tingling.
- That minty, minty.
- Yeah, exactly.
Let me tell you- When you're in reno, I'd recommend one.
And that's what I was going for, But I knew, from the minute that she went down, That that was not creme de menthe in her mouth But it was peach schnapps.
- That's what I paid for.
- You dialed 911 for this? You called us.
- Yeah, and I'll tell you right now.
- Yes.
You want to know the truth, you taste my manhood.
Just taste my manhood.
Just touch it, then taste it.
Take your hand and touch it and then lick your fingers.
I will not do it, sir.
Why don't we send your manhood to the lab And have the boys in the lab go? I'll go with you right now.
If you want to take a swab; If you got a little q-tip, And you take a swab off my member- I ain't gonna take a swab off your member.
No one's swabbing your member.
I've seen "csi," you take a quick swab, And you take that in there and boom, boom, boom.
This is not-I tell you, that's gonna be that moment, 'cause they'll come in, and they'll go, "you gotta get in here.
Get in the evidence room.
" Swab your member.
And that guy goes, "get in this evidence room," They go bom, bom, bom this is not creme de menthe.
Well, thank you so much for that wonderful reenactment of "csi.
" And you are gonna feel foolish! I took an african dance class when I heard that his siblings- My black siblings were coming.
Yeah.
Because I thought I could be of some use.
And now I hear that my services are unnecessary.
No.
They're unwanted.
- Ok.
- 'cause what do we say sometimes? What comes out- the horrible little bird That comes out of our mouth and says- Nigger.
And we're not gonna do that.
- This time you said it.
- I know.
Let's say it together.
- Nigger.
- No.
See? It's a horrible little bird in your mouth.
And where do we send that bird? To auschwitz.
No.
[whispers.]
back inside.
Back inside.
Only to resurface again With another inappropriate nigger.
Basically, I don't need much.
I went and I took down, I believe, most of the gay stuff.
No, you didn't.
Yeah, I did.
You're saying that's gay? I'm saying it's super gay.
To the naked eye.
Okay.
Super gay.
Get your boys up here.
Down, down.
Why? Why do you think? - That's not gay.
- What is it? There's nothing gay about that.
I like pirates.
And I like actors.
And I like men who act like pirates.
We need to get- And I like smooth little boys.
Yeah.
You're probably right.
This man has a sign that says "I'm super gay.
" I know.
That's kind of good, though.
That's different.
A lot of people might have that.
Well - No.
- Yeah, probably not.
Kind of gay.
Can we get rid of the number one boyfriend statuette? Yep.
Put it in the box.
This is not gay.
But I could see that black people might not love it.
When I think about dangle's family coming to town, This is what I really think: I think that, as a whole, the black community has stepped it up.
You know, we're tired of all these celebrities, You know, going to these far-off countries and getting our kids And we said, "hey, you know what? "let's start claiming our own family right here, Even if they are real light.
" Dangle probably got a little drop of that blood in there, And, you know, they came on back for him.
I think they're coming back to borrow money.
We have a report of kids dropping things over the overpass here, so Hey! Hey hey hey! Hey! Ho! Oh, no, no, no! Drop it! Drop it! [tires skidding, horn honking, crash.]
Oh, god.
Go.
Scamper.
Scamper.
Go go! Topics of conversation.
All right? You only have one thing to say about o.
J.
Yes.
He didn't do it.
I have to say that? You have- No, no, 'cause I, yeah, yeah.
He didn't do it.
Damn! Brother didn't do it.
So, they come in, I'm like, "damn Brother didn't do it.
" - He didn't do it.
Good.
Good.
- Didn't do it.
.
Despite all of the evidence- Hey! Hey! Hey! What? An extremely rare Shoe.
Bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah.
- And all the evidence that was- - no! No! No! We don't bring up the evidence.
We don't bring up the white people; We don't bring up the evidence.
- No! - 'cause the evidence would seem- " 'cause if the glove didn't fit " Right.
Except it kind of did fit.
No, it can't.
It kind of did.
Where do you stand on the whole biggie/tupac beef? Oh, good.
This is a good drill.
Um, damn! Them niggers that got tupac, When they gonna get them back? That was pretty good, right? No, I'm on the other side of that.
We've received 4 of these anonymous letters From a local kidnapper.
Ransom demands.
The boys down in the lab have steamed it open.
So Uh Oh.
Think the boys oversteamed it a little bit.
Mm-hmm.
"I gotta " We're gonna divide it up in, like, vowels? "I gotta " Lick? Do you have an I-I-c? Me! Me! M-e! "I gotta lick me.
" I gotta lick me.
"I gotta choose" me.
Me a love? I gotta choose me a love.
Exclamation point.
Uh I think we need to go with the I-n.
"I got friends in low places.
" To Tori.
"I'm a goat cheese tori.
" [italian accent.]
I'm a goat cheese-atori.
Like Oh, then you got the quotes here.
Well, I pulled them out.
Oh, like "too.
" I'm a goat cheese [all speaking.]
Ooh- wink "I'm a goat cheese lover".
He's being ironic.
Or maybe he's sarcastic.
- He's saying, "I'm a goat cheese lover" - oh, that son of a bitch.
This fella hates goat cheese.
Yeah.
"she dines a lot of cock.
" "I got mary, She dines a lot of cock".
"mary she-dines.
" She dies [gasp.]
Oh, my g-yes, yes.
She dies.
"I've got mary.
All: She dies at 1 o'clock.
" Yes! [cheering.]
Thank you.
What time is it? Oh Hmm.
Here's the thing.
Here's a question.
This is gonna be kind of sensitive.
What? There may be things that they say That I just need translated.
Like what? I don't-ok, this is why I didn't want to bring this up, 'cause it's a slightly sensitive subject.
[sighs.]
I don't understand you all the time.
Why? What have I ever said that you didn't understand? - Uh - Speak on it.
- Speak on it.
Make it plain.
- The colloquialisms you use.
Go.
Speak on 'em.
Make it plain.
- See? - Holler at me.
No, seriously, break it down.
It would be good if we argue a little bit.
I think it would be very convincing.
Don't let a black woman pop off to you.
- Do what? Come again.
- Alright? - Don't let her pop off.
- What's pop off? - One more time - When a black woman starts- Is that when you do this thing? That's pop and lock.
- Listen! Listen! - I won't do either, how about that? I'm listening.
If I pop off to you, If I start talking crazy to you- Smack you.
Slap you right across the mouth.
I just want to talk to you about these messages That you put in my mailbox.
Oh, yeah.
You know my name, right? Um, you the pretty lady.
Ok, 'cause you wrote boobies on all of these.
And on one of them, look what you did there.
I don't know if that's a man with a long nose, or something else.
Oh - Clemmy.
Ok? - Clemmy.
Ok.
Clemmy.
That's my name.
- Ok, so, these are all urgent.
- Ok.
And one's from charlie, one's from charlie g.
I.
, And one's from charlie o.
K.
Mm-hmm Mm-hmm.
And there's one from a gook in there, too.
Ok.
I thought to put that earlier.
I don't understand you're writing.
This isn't in english, and I don't know You know what? That is my shorthand.
- That's your shorthand.
Ok.
- Yeah.
- Um, you like long hand? - Yeah.
Ya know, sometimes, I know some people like short hand job.
- Yeah.
- Some people like long hand job.
Yeah, I like a long hand job.
- Ok! Ok.
- I do.
- I remember that for you.
- Ok.
Um, I'll give you Every time you don't say long hand job to me And just write it down properly.
- Ok.
- Ok? I can do that.
Oh, hey, so, you know, uh My black family's coming to town.
Yeah, I know.
I just wanted to ask a real, uh, specific favor of you.
Oh, jim, listen.
Don't say another word.
I will be there.
I will-I will cook.
I will pretend to be your wife.
I will have intercourse with you.
I will lube you up, I will wash you down.
Just, don't take this the wrong way.
Yeah.
Stay the fuck away from me and my black family, ok? I don't know if there's any other way to take what you just said.
We had a call of a guy hanging out here at the church, And I guess he's freaking some people out.
So Gonna see if we can't get him to get a move on.
Sheriff's department.
Hello, sir.
How you doing today? [meows.]
[hissing.]
Ok, whoa, whoa.
Uh-oh.
Hey, hey, hey.
Take it easy there, buddy.
Take it easy.
[hiss.]
Sir? Are you on any substances? Have you been hospitalized recently? Uh-huh.
Sir, you can't be here, all right? We've been getting complaints from the church That you're not allowed to just lurk around and Uh-oh.
[hocking.]
Oh, this is just a hairball.
This is a hairball.
It's ok.
You'll get through it.
Are you ok? Oh, ick.
I have several cats.
And this is my forte.
[singsong voice.]
hello.
[mimics voice.]
hello.
My name is trudy.
My name is matthew.
Oh, hi, matthew.
Would you like to go somewhere else? Not really.
Get off the lawn! Get going! Jesus! Stop it! All right! I'm going.
You don't have to hit me with water.
- That was good work.
- Thank you.
I have a lot of experience.
You don't do very - I mean, you're not very good at this.
- This is the one time- - you're actually efficient.
Yeah.
Oh, wow.
Woman: I'm feeling a little queasy.
[raineesha laughs.]
I'll tell you, she done- She done chain me down good, erique.
I'm sorry? She chain me down good.
I used to be a little bit of a A little bit of a poon hound around here.
[raineesha laughs, coughs.]
Oh! I almost swallowed my tooth.
You got the gold tooth? Oh, my god! It came right out! To My sistah and my brothah.
Erique and bethany.
Actually, before it's actually just eric.
And it's definitely not betha-nee.
Eric, what do you do again? I'm actually a cpa.
Mm.
Driving in one of them elevator trains, that's so cute.
I always wished I'd done something useful like that, Like drive an elevated train- No, no, a cpa.
Cpa.
A certified public accountant.
A cpa.
I have no idea why I laughed.
- I have no idea why I laughed.
- Yeah.
- Cheers.
- To dad.
[tearful.]
cheers.
To dad.
He would just be so happy if he saw us all together.
He would.
Tying up He'd be happy to see you, And he'd look over at the guy with the mustache and say, "what was his name again?" Don't say that.
He would not.
That's not What the hell? I know them other 2 niggers But who is that? [laughing hysterically.]
[chuckles.]
Oh, boy.
You coughed something up on me.
Let me ask you a question.
How many of you have ever told a lie? Show of hands.
Mm-hmm.
Ok.
How many of you have ever copied off someone else's paper? Yeah.
You done that.
Ok.
How many of you have ever had too much of an alcoholic beverage And gotten behind the wheel? You're all under arrest.
Let's go.
[meow, meow.]
You gonna make me put it on.
Ow! Bethany: That's lovely.
So, uh, I know that [slurp.]
Uh, there's the matter of the will.
Oh.
Yeah.
There is some stuff, Uh, to divide.
And we're, you know, we're family.
I want it to be fair.
Right down the middle.
Right down the middle.
That's what we were gonna say.
Black and white.
Yeah.
So, from cook county funeral services, There's the bill for his funeral expenses.
We'll just, like you said, just chop it straight down- It's a bill for Right.
Most of everything else got split between the houses And the pools and our education.
And the kids, our kids.
Wait, no.
I'm sorry.
No.
That's not it! That's not the only thing.
He left nothing else, not one other thing To his only white son.
[crying.]
he was - it was obviously he had this a long time.
It was very valuable.
Something valuable.
Very, very precious to him.
Don't start crying, because I will start crying.
It's very precious.
[breathes heavy.]
Daddy's banana splits key chain.
The first car I got, when daddy gave it to me, The keys were on that chain.
It was a convertible.
It was blue.
It was so beautiful! It was a really nice car.
Um I had so much sex in the backseat of that car.
I always liked the banana splits.
I don't understand, though.
Are they supposed to be people, Or one guy was a monkey.
I think there was a bear.
One's a bear, one's an elephant, The other one's also a dog.
I don't know if he's a dog.
I think he might be, like, a muskrat or something.
No, he's like a dog.
I think it's a dog, 'cause it's got The big ears and- Two dogs and a bear.
mtv networks There ya go Yeah, really get in there.
How's that working out for you? Really get on it Yeah, really work it.
'cause you gotta- - Doesn't tingle.
- See? See? - Huh! - And let me tell you- Well, I think we all learned a very valuable lesson.
Try it.
Suck on that.
Try it.
He's right.
Get on it.
He's totally right.
Get on it.
I'll do it.
I'll show you.
No.
You don't need to.
Just check it.
He's right.
He's 100% right, though.
Is that an order? 'cause you're gonna feel the tingling, And he's gonna feel the tingling.
It gives and gives.