Reno 911! (2003) s05e07 Episode Script

Here in Washoe county, We lose about 17% of our mailboxes a year Due to, uh, kids driving around with baseball bats.
Uh, hard to catch these bastards, So, what I'm going to do Is I'm going to rig every mailbox on this block With a paint bomb.
The kind used in banks.
Uh, these things are, uh, very sensitive, Precision, french-made- Fuck! Sheriff's department! Freeze! Freeze! Get on the ground! Down on the ground! [indistinct yelling.]
Woman: You're not allowed on that! What? What? All right.
There's a tornado! No, no, terry! Crowd: Hell no, we won't blow.
Yeah! Oh, he's my friend! Hey, hey- by mtv networks Dangle: Good morning, gang.
[mumbling.]
[burps.]
Uh, phantom limbs.
Uh, that camp that they have, uh, In sparks for the limbless children Is looking for volunteers- All: Not it.
I didn't say you had to.
They're looking for volunteers for instructors.
'cause a lot of these kids are from bosnia And the eastern countries Where they still have a serious, serious problem With land mines.
If they were american kids, I'd consider it, but- Oh, my god, we don't have A really serious problem with undetonated land mines around here.
So, I'm sorry that we're importing our limbless children To push them around a pool in sparks.
Hey, jim, what do you call a kid Who has no arms and no legs in a pool? Bob.
A bosnian, a little bosnian orphan.
That's what you called him.
Uh, in other news, uh, burger cousin Has been robbed 11 times in the past 16 days.
Are people aware of this? Bad neighborhood.
Uh, jones and garcia, I'm assigning you.
I'd like you to go undercover.
Uh, we need - we need some people inside the burger cousin.
We need So, we're earning double then? No, you're earning your sheriff's salary.
But not a burger cousin wage on top of it? No, when we- when we do-for example, When trudy does undercover prostitution stings, She actually gave Yeah, and I didn't- I didn't get to keep the money.
We never get to keep the money.
Why not? Well, because I didn't swallow.
Because I didn't swallow.
Where did the money go? Uh, uh, that money went The knock hockey table that we enjoy down in the rumpus room.
Yeah, so, the next time you're playing knock hockey, Just think of me jerking off some crackhead.
Looks like this is our- Oh, thank the lord, ok.
Williams: Hey, baby, what's going on? Bravo, thank you so much for coming.
So, here's what I want To make sure you all understand Right now, right off the top.
I called you to report a crime That I don't have nothing to do with, ok.
Oh, this is a first.
I'm not involved in the crime, I didn't perpetrate the crime, I didn't do anything, ok? Can we get to the crime? Yes, ma'am, yes! I was minding my - I was walking down the street, ok, And I was indeed- I'm not going to lie, I'm a vagabond a bit, I'm a little bit of a vagabond I was looking for shelter.
I found this vehicle.
The window was open, and I climbed in.
I climbed into the car.
Ok, so, you called us to tell us that you climbed into a car? Yes, and I looked in the trunk, And there's something in the trunk That I think may be of interest to you.
So, I made sure that I called immediately.
Ok What's in the trunk? It's-there's a head.
There's a head in the trunk.
There's a head.
Hypothetically, if I had severed the head- Yeah, let's get to that.
If I had done it, Ok Ok.
Then What would the repercussions be? Hypothetically? Just hypothetically speaking- If you had done it? Let's say- Let's say I was not me.
Let's say I was a different person.
Let's do- let's play role play.
You be you.
We gonna be us, ok? Ok, I'll be me.
We would be like, "hold up.
" Stop, freeze, stop in the name of the law.
Don't move.
Get that gun out my way.
Freeze! I'm freezing! I'm crazy! And then we would go "boom, boom, boom.
" There's a head in that trunk, Oh, lord, there's a head- Oh, I'm bleeding, I'm bleeding- I hate you, jerome, why did you betray me? Ok, you just said jerome, stop.
We're not role-playing anymore, We're playing real life.
Why did you say jerome? That's my cousin's name, It just come to me right now.
Is your cousin living or is he dead? Is your cousin living or is he dead? He is alive, he is alive with the lord.
Alive with the lord.
Get your ass in the car.
Hypothetically speaking, Your about to get your salad tossed in prison.
Oh, ok, well, thank god it's hypothetical.
Ok.
Hello? Yo.
Hey! Hey.
Hey, what's going on? You guys are the, uh, you're the guys? Yeah.
Ok, well, you're already late, So, we're not getting off to a good start here.
Well, it was 'cause- I don't even need any excuses.
I need you guys here 'cause I'm sick of getting robbed.
I want to make sure that you are alert and on duty.
All my workers that work here, They follow the rules in place, But they also follow rick's rules, You understand? I'm the manager, I'm the boss.
You listen to me.
Absolute authority.
You are the manager? Yes, sir.
You're the boss? Yeah, rick the manager, that's me.
See the name tag? Rick? I do see.
Do I need to put A "the manager" underneath it, Or can we just go on my word? So, if you follow my rules, things should go well.
Ready? Ok.
Let's enter the sterile area.
Ok.
You are now entering the burger cousin kitchen.
This is where the magic happens.
This is where all the food is prepared.
This is where patrons come in and enjoy The wonderful meals and-and-and Environment that burger cousin has to offer.
I don't ever want you guys to enter the back.
If you have to go to the bathroom, Let me know, I'll walk you around The back to the pay bathroom.
There are tokens for it.
That jar right there is for tips.
I'll collect all the tips at the end of the day And distribute them as I see fit.
I know you guys are working "undercover," I know this is supposed to be a "cush" job, But I need you guys to work And give the appearance of professionality.
I don't want you guys fucking it up today, ok? Ok.
There won't be any fucking up.
Good.
No fucking up.
Don't use that language in here.
Well, you- that's me.
I'm the manager.
Now, I'm going to go masturbate in the back, You guys get to business.
Got a call about a angry mob.
Angry mob, jesus.
I think the radio's on the fritz, That can't be right.
Angry mob We haven't had an angry mob since the seventies, I don't think.
Since that guy was experimenting on monkeys out there.
Oh, son of a bitch.
Oh, man.
Just go past 'em, They don't want anything to do with us.
Ah, ah, ah, mike, now, mike! What? We got a call about a angry mob.
I ain't seen 'em.
You wouldn't know anything about that? No, it's just me and stewart hanging out.
Hanging out? Hanging out? Yeah Not, not, not forming an angry mob To rush on something.
No.
Yeah? Not concerned about the italians That moved in right over there.
[italian accent.]
hey, have-a some pizza pie! No, that's-you are a heartbeat away- That's a hate crime, do you understand that? The combination of the torch and the funny accent.
I'm not saying I don't like them.
I'm saying it just- would've-we- Stewart would prefer it if someone else would live there- Don't hide behind stewart! Don't hide behind stewart! I don't think stewart- I don't think you're the ringleader here.
For some reason, I don't think stewart's the ringleader of this, mike.
He said, he said, he said, He said this morning, "mike, we gotta go over there, Italians are ruining the neighborhood.
" He did.
Stewart said that? Stewart said that? Is that true? Did you wake him up and say italians are Ruining the neighborhood? I'm pretty sure that's what he said.
Stewart, you got your whole life ahead of you, son.
Don't grow up to be like this man.
Don't be like this, ok? You could be anything.
You could be a priest, you could be- He couldn't be a priest, buddy.
If you've seen the shit he does on a daily basis.
He is one randy child.
Aw, come on! Stewart, we're going to take you to school.
Come on, this ain't funny.
So, you don't- Uh, no, it is funny.
I'm getting up, and I'm going to get it on.
You want to drive? You want to drive? Yeah, come on, got to learn sometime.
All right.
Where are the rollers? He's going to want to know where that is.
See, now, if you run this fellow over, It ain't our fault.
Ain't our fault.
[speaking spanish.]
[speaking spanish.]
Hello, sir, welcome to burger cousin.
May we take your order please? Yes, you may.
I would like food for myself and for my family.
Myself, my beautiful wife, and my 2 children.
Maybe I would like to have A burger with cheese, and onions, and no mayo, Burger And ketchup Uh, erase.
And mustard.
Uh, if you don't mind- Do I need to slow down, Or is this a professional operation? My children would like chicken nuggets from the children's menu.
Ok.
Chicken nuggets for- For jimmy, over here.
A corn dog and grilled cheese for bobby, over here.
How much is all that? Well, let's- um $1.
85.
That sounds like an incredible bargain.
And Freeze.
All right, gentlemen, That was a hell of a drill.
Now, the truth of the matter is That a kind of a poor performance.
Garcia: All right.
All right? First of all, you didn't move fast enough.
You missed almost everything that I ordered.
He wasn't supposed to- I don't want either of you blaming each other.
You gotta work in tandem if this is going to work.
You guys work as police officers, Who do you have? You have each other.
You got your partner, you're like, "hey, I need backup.
" That doesn't mean "hey, I'm going to blame you For everything that goes wrong.
" I don't need you guys Playing any kind of grab-ass behind the counter.
And when customers come in here, I don't need them thinking, "I'm going to get raped with my burger.
" Dangle: Got another call about These god damn kids blowing up cats.
Son of a bitch.
Junior: Kids today.
Kids today.
They play tgrand theft auto, Do whippets- And they jack each other off on the youtube.
Fireworks, illegal.
Open intoxication, illegal.
Open container, illegal.
Oh, oh, oh.
Oh, man.
What do we got here, huh? Poor little guy.
Blowing up cats today, huh? Sweetest little creature On earth-ow! Yeah, what are we doing with these, huh? Huh, huh? Travis, travis, travis, travis, travis! Already lit, it's already lit! It's already lit! [blowing.]
Shit! [indistinct.]
Water, water, travis, travis, travis! Oh, whew.
Don't make us come out here again.
Hello, welcome to burger cousin, This is jones.
Hold on.
Did you want to- Hi, this is burger cousin, how may I help you? Uh, that gentleman is someone who has just Started working for us.
Why? Do you have some kind of complaint? Ok, I'll handle it.
Thank you very much.
Work on your phone voice.
The reno sheriff's department Recently rescued a young woman named cindy Who was on the path to becoming a sex slave in her country.
And now, she has a chance at a better life.
Uh, hey, cindy.
Hi, there! How you doing? It's your friend cheresa come to visit.
Oh, you look so pretty today.
Well, thank you.
I have a spot right here- Oh, good.
That is so- it's like a rock.
Oh, honey, you don't need to ask me more than one time.
Oh, honey That's real good.
That's real good.
Right there? That's good.
Like that? Oh-oh, yeah.
You like that one.
Yeah.
Little bit harder this time.
Ok.
Unh! Good, huh? [telephone rings.]
hi, there, officer handsome.
We've talked about this.
[rings.]
Reno 911, what you want? She was just filing a few- Ok.
[rings.]
She was We don't have to have a sidebar About treating her like a sex slave anymore, do we? No, we don't.
We don't.
[sighing.]
Sheriff's department! Hello? Sheriff's department! Yeah? Wow Uh, you want to set down the giant, double-pronged dildo? Is it all right if we step inside the premises? Yeah.
The thing is, it's about the flyers.
Yeah, that's why we came.
'cause that red is too much? No, no, I think the red like the stop signs? Actually looks kind of good.
I think it looks good.
Oh, well, thank you.
It calls a lot of attention to your information.
Thank you.
Like, for example, Come in for titty torture, Dildo punishment, ass play, Uh-huh.
Tea-bagging, Ball clamping, and other.
And other, yeah.
Well, the problem is, sister- Yeah.
If I may, That you have this up at the farmer's market, And it didn't go over too well.
These people down here were angry.
The bottom line is- I'm not offended! I'm fine with butt plugs.
I'm fine with tea-bagging.
Oh, you see? I'm fine with titty torture.
How come you haven't been here yet? I'm fine with ball clamping.
The kettle corn people at the farmer's market are not.
And what does kettle corn have to do with a butt plug? Nothing, they just- So, then if it's nothing, Then why are they complaining? That's shit.
They're taking away my freedom of speech.
Here's the power- The structure pyramid around here, ok.
There's the mayor, There's the kettle corn people, There's us.
The kettle corn people give a lot of money to the sheriff's department.
And shit rolls downhill.
They told us to come over here And ask you not to hand out the flyers at the farmer's market 'cause you're hurting kettle corn business With the tea-bagging and butt clamping offers.
Can you just- can you just not do it? Sister, I'm going to do that for you.
You say no, it's done.
I can't understand them.
So, could we not- Yes, sister.
Could we agree to do it differently? Yes, sister.
It's like music.
You know what, I don't want to say it around him- You can see the notes in the conversation.
Just picture all the words on like a staff.
Will you? Sister, I'm- and you know what? Gratis, free, free.
I'm going to teach you, so, you know- 'cause they already stole enough from us.
[beat boxing.]
And I'm going to agree- They don't even know.
I like you, girl.
I like you back.
I like you, girl.
I like you back.
Yeah, I like you, girl.
You come back.
Hey, williams.
You want to know a little secret? Woman: Thank god we got black people on the force! She's a dude.
No way.
Yep.
You lying.
Nope.
Her name's jeff.
How you know? I swam in high school with him.
What the hell? Used to have- Used to have the second largest cock I'd ever seen at the time.
At the time.
You god damn bus drivers ain't above the law.
Rolling stop does not a stop make, my friend.
Whoa.
Missed me, sumbitch! Unh.
Uh, lady wolf pack won again last night.
Uh, there was a fairly large riot.
Um, which means most of our regular perpetrators And recidivists are, uh, in jail.
And it's very quiet out on the streets, So, we just figured we'd goof around With the polygraph a little bit more.
Jones: Raineesha williams Yes that is my name.
Clementine: I have a question.
[clears throat.]
Isn't it true that your tubes are not, in fact, tied? That you, in fact, are planning on trapping deputy jones Into fatherhood and marital Not-so-much-bliss with him? What's true is that you are a dirty bitch, And you never should've told what I told you.
[gasps.]
and I told you Something in private.
That's what's true.
You want to see if that's true? Ask me if she a dirty bitch.
Oh, I know I'm a dirty bitch.
I know that.
Everybody calm down.
Calm down! This is why I said we should play boggle instead.
No, remember the last time we played boggle, I got a broken nose.
Well, you were being a cunt during boggle last time, That's why- [indistinct yelling.]
No, no, no! No, come on, please! Everyone calm down! Everyone calm down, calm down.
Calm down.
Breathe in.
Look, you said some nasty things.
You were kind of being a cunt when we were playing boggle- [screaming.]
trudy, trudy! Excellent, just like that.
Deposit all that in the trash in back.
I just Gotta take care of it.
Gotta work on the fly.
I'm keeping you sharp, man.
Things like that are going to happen all day.
I'm keeping you sharp.
That looks good.
You handle burgers before? Nope, this is my first.
You doing a good job.
Look like you're a natural.
Good job.
Now, what did I do wrong? Uh What did I do wrong? You I had inappropriate sexual contact with your buttocks.
I was getting to that, yeah.
That's what I did wrong.
Ok.
Ok? Ok.
I need you to report Any kind of activity like that to me directly.
I don't want to have any harassment suits here.
Sure.
Ok, so, anything like that happens, You report it directly to me.
To you? Exactly.
Ok.
Now, tend to those burgers.
Ok.
Ok, good job.
Wiegel: Got a couple of lovebirds Trying to do a bungee marriage on the bridge here.
Priest: Jordan, do you take shane To be your lawfully wedded husband? Hey there! Sheriff's department.
Jordan: Who invited the cops to my wedding? Yeah, break it up.
Oh, I'm sorry, we're actually having a ceremony.
I'm sorry, we're actually not allowing You to do that here.
Trying to do our jobs.
This is illegal.
You can't bungee jump off this bridge? Ha, shane, don't act like you don't know me.
I see that you recovered from your bachelor party, Which I performed at the other night.
Actually, you caught that boiled egg in your mouth.
Oh, yeah, right.
And I saved it because I just couldn't believe it, I've never seen that, it's like getting a hole-in-one.
[screams.]
Ok [screaming.]
This is disgusting.
I can't do this anymore.
Here he comes.
Here he comes.
What did I say about private chit-chat? You said that we should consult with you To have a con- conversation.
No, I said there's absolutely no private, personal chit-chat.
It's not appropriate for the workplace environment.
Ok.
Um, so that chili I had for lunch Resulted in an explosive bathroom experience, And I don't know how to put this delicately, but uh.
.
I missed the toilet entirely.
It was as if there was a vacuum sucking things out of my body And just projecting them all over the bathroom walls.
And, I'm gonna need you guys to clean it up.
So here's some tokens.
I need you guys to go into the bathroom And just, top to bottom, scrub it.
It was horrible, and I'm embarrassed, And I hate to ask you to do this, But it's your responsibility, technically, And I'm gonna need you to clean that shit up.
And then I'm gonna need you to clean that shit up.
Oh, so it's gonna be like that? I thought you guys were professional.
Are you quitting on me? I want to hear you say it.
Are you quitting on me? [traffic passing.]
You fucking quitters! [metal clangs.]
Jesus! I thought those douchebags would never leave.
Get the money out of the register! Act like your job is so tough.
"I'm big, important manager man.
" I've done your job all day.
Now, on the ground! By the way, this place is a shit hole.
by mtv networks Captioned by the national captioning Are we gonna be ringing things up on that- I will require you to operate the cash register, But I do not want you to handle the cash.
Whenever the drawer is open And people handle money, You call me and okay.
I will be the only one that touches money.
That way your hands never touch money, That way the dirt from the money Never transfrs from your hand to the food.
That way people aren't concerned That the grubby hands that They're putting into their pockets Or all over their genitals Is getting touched onto the food- Ya know, vicariously through your hands.
Okay.
You understand what I'm saying? Yeah.
So you'll be pushing the buttons, I'll be touching the money.