Rick and Morty (2013) s01e05 Episode Script

Meeseeks and Destroy

Run! Morty, do it! Hit the button now! I can't do it, Rick! They're my parents and sister! Morty, I already told you it's not your family! They're clones from an alternate reality, possessed by demonic alien spirits from another dimension's future! Do you need a mnemonic device or something? Just hit the button, already! Morty, please, I love you, sweetheart.
Oh! Good work, Morty.
You know, these demonic alien spirits are really valuable.
You okay, Morty? I told you not to trust that tuna.
I just killed my family! I don't care what they were.
I don't know, Morty.
Some people'd pay top dollar for that kind of breakthrough.
You know what, Rick? That's it! I'm done with these insane adventures! That was really traumatizing! - I quit! I'm out! - Whoa, whoa, whoa! Come on, Morty, don't be like that.
The universe is a crazy, chaotic place.
You're the one that's crazy and chaotic! Adventures are supposed to be simple and fun.
Oh, yeah, Morty, yeah.
Yeah, that that that's real easy to say from the sidekick position.
But but, uh, how about next time you be in charge, and then we'll talk about how simple and fun it is? Seriously, Rick? You'll you'll let me call the shots? Okay, yeah, fine.
But let's make it interesting, Morty.
If your adventure sucks and we bail halfway through it, you lose the right to bitch about all future adventures.
Plus, you have to do my laundry for a month.
Okay, all right, tough guy! But if my adventure's good I get to be in charge of every third adventure! - Every 10th.
- Deal.
All right.
Well, come on, let's get going.
Dad, the dishwasher's doing that thing again.
- Washing dishes? - No.
The opposite.
Can you fix it? Grandpa Rick, can you help me with my science homework? - Yeah just don't do it.
- Grandpa! Hey, Rick, you got some kind of hand-shaped device that can open this mayonnaise jar? Wow.
Hat trick.
All right, Morty, let's put a pin in this.
I got to help your pathetic family.
Oh, that sounds like something a chicken would say.
Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk.
Oh, Morty, you done did it this time.
It's on.
I can't wait to watch your adventure lay a huge fart.
As for you dingdongs This is a Meeseeks box.
Let me show you how it works.
You press this.
I'm Mr.
Meeseeks! Look at me! You make a request.
Meeseeks, open Jerry's stupid mayonnaise jar.
Yes, siree! The Meeseeks fulfills the request.
- All done! - Wow! And then it stops existing.
- Oh, my God, he exploded! - Trust me, they're fine with it.
Knock yourselves out just keep your requests simple.
They're not gods.
All right! Get out of here now! Everybody out of here! I got a bet to win! - So many possibilities.
- My mind is racing.
If we're gonna use this thing, which I'm not even sure we should, we need to keep it simple.
- I'm Mr.
Meeseeks! - I want to be popular at school! - Ooh, okay! - Summer, what did I just- Ooh, I'm Mr.
Meeseeks! Look at me! I want I want to be a more complete woman! - Beth! - Oh, yeah! Yes, ma'am! You guys are doing it wrong.
He said "simple.
" Hey, there.
I'm Mr.
Meeseeks! Mr.
Meeseeks, I would like to take two strokes off my golf game.
Ooh, yeah! Can do! Nailed it.
God, Morty, what a boring start to an adventure.
Why didn't we just go to Kentucky? Rick, this is a fantasy-type world with creatures and all sorts of fantasy things.
- We're going on a quest, okay? - Can't wait.
Excuse me! We are two humble heroes in search of adventure! Oh, my God, so embarrassing.
At last! Two heroes! You must help us! This village is terribly poor, yet the giant that lives in the clouds above has untold treasures! You know what? I accept your call to adventure, good sir, kind sir.
Come on, Rick.
- There's a giant in the clouds! - Yeah.
Beginner's luck.
In conclusion, a friendship with Summer Smith is the most valuable and enriching experience of your young lives.
I'm Mr.
Meeseeks! Look at me! Thank you! Uh, Mr.
Meeseeks, was it? Yeah.
Gene Vagina.
Listen, I'm in a bit of custody thing with my ex and was wondering- No, I'll get your info from Summer.
I got pregnant at 17.
I mean, I still put myself through veterinary school.
Yes, I'm successful, but what if I hadn't I'm just saying, somewhere along the way, I lost that wide-eyed girl from muskegon.
She's still there, Beth.
Well, her waistline isn't.
Beth, having a family doesn't mean that you stop being an individual.
You know the best thing you can do for people that depend on you? Be honest with them, even if it means setting them free.
You're saying I should leave Jerry.
I can't believe I'm finally having this conversation.
More wine? I think I've had enough.
Remember to square your shoulders, Jerry.
Yeah, yeah.
I got it.
That's okay.
I'm Mr.
Meeseeks! Look at me! Try again and keep your head down.
Okay, well, which is it? Square my shoulders or keep my head down? Well, it's both.
But most importantly, you got to relax.
You know what, Mr.
Meeseeks? I don't think this is working.
I give up.
I'm sorry, Jerry, but it doesn't work like that.
I'm Mr.
I have to fulfill my purpose so I can go away.
Look at me.
Well, make yourself comfortable, because I suck.
No, Jerry, I'm the one who sucks! Let me try something.
I'm Mr.
Meeseeks! Look at me! Hi, Mr.
Meeseeks! - I'm Mr.
Meeseeks! Look at me.
- Hi! Can you help me get two strokes off of Jerry's golf swing? Can do! I'm Mr.
Meeseeks! Is he keeping his shoulders squared? Ooh, he's trying! All right, Morty.
We're in your stupid giant's castle.
What do we do next? Would you just relax, Rick? All we got to do is find the treasure room, okay? It's nice and simple.
You know, I'm sorry everything's going so smoothly and adventurously.
Uh-oh, Morty.
Startin' to get a little hairy.
What do you want to do, boss? Come on, hurry.
Behind this cookie jar.
Fee! Fi! Fo! Fum! Just give up, Morty.
This is game over.
I'll take us home right now.
You just say the word.
No way, Rick.
This is all part of it.
Adventures have conflict.
Deal with it.
I smell the blood of- whoop! - Holy crap.
- Oh, boy.
He looks pretty bad down there, Morty.
Looks like he's bleeding out.
Oh, Jesus! Dale! You sons of bitches! Oh, man.
Hello, 911? My husband has been attacked by tiny people! He's dying! Hey, look, we get it.
You're little, you're down on your luck, you think, "hey, he's a giant.
Why don't we break into his home, rob him, and murder him?" Th-th but that's not how it went down! Oh, well, it's going down like that.
You're both going down like that.
Ooh, boy, Morty, you're really showing me how it's done.
Real straightforward and fun.
Like, letting go of the need to be popular is what makes people like you.
The most important love you can receive is from yourself.
Okay, Jerry, you got to just choke up on the club! Well, which is it, choke up or follow-through?! Aww, come on, Jerry, we've been over this.
You know you got to do both! This is as frustrating for us as it is for you.
Don't tell me that! That just puts pressure on me! - Just try to relax.
- You try to relax! Have you ever tried to relax?! It is a paradox! Ugh, these Meeseeks, huh? Kind of a handful.
I can't imagine what you two must be going through.
Our Meeseeks have been gone for hours, Jerry.
You're kidding me.
Notice anything different? I'm sorry.
Hours? Dad, mom is a beautiful woman! Look at her! You will lose her! Uhh Hey, Jerry, you mind if we get back to the task at hand? Meeseeks don't usually have to exist this long.
It's getting weird.
Order in the court! Before the jury reaches its verdict, I just want to say that I consider you both very guilty.
Oh, great adventure, buddy.
Rick and Morty go to giant prison.
You know, if somebody drops the soap, it's gonna land on our heads and crush our spines, Morty.
You know, it'll be really easy to rape us after that.
- We're gonna be okay, Rick.
- How? They took my portal gun.
This is an open-and-shut case, Morty.
You know, what do you think's gonna happen, some magical angel's gonna show up and then- Fee! Fi! Fo! Fum! I smell the violation of civil liberties! Your honor, I'm from a tiny-persons advocacy group and I have here in my hand a motion to dismiss.
These little men were never read their giant rights and are therefore free-fi to fo-home.
W-what the hell is he talking about? They're free to go, is what I meant.
I'm deconstructing our our our thing we say.
We're giants.
Nobody got that? Whatever.
Oh, man, what did I tell you, Rick? We did it! All right, Morty, looks like the portal gun's still working.
You ready to head home? Oh, yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you, Rick? Well, you know what? We're not bailing out just yet.
You know, we're gonna go find some treasure or something and and we're gonna bring it to those villagers.
Morty, cut your losses.
This is obviously a wash.
Yeah, you were saying that back when we first got arrested, but here we are, you know, walking down the courthouse steps.
Oh, boy, Morty.
Usually, walking down the courthouse steps is the easy part of the adventure.
What do you say, Morty? I say give me a hand, sidekick.
Everybody shut up! Let me try! Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! I'm going out.
What? Well, you're busy.
I'm hungry.
I thought I'd go out.
Do you want me to be happy or do you want me to be in prison? Whoa, whoa, where in the hell is I'll take you to dinner.
Hey, you know what? It's hard being me, too.
I'll be right there.
Look, I've got a marriage to keep together.
At this point, my golf swing is more your problem than mine.
I can't take it anymore.
I just want to die! We all want to die! We're Meeseeks! Why did you even rope me into this? 'Cause he roped me into this! Well, him over there, he roped me into this! Well, he roped me into this! Well, what about me? He roped me into this.
Well, that one over there roped me into this.
Well, he roped me into this.
Yeah, Morty, this is the part of the story everybody loves scaling down 650,000 oversized steps.
All right, okay, you know, if this was a story, this part wouldn't be included, stupid.
Hey, Rick, what do you know? Look down there.
Looks like some kind of tavern or something built right into the side of the step.
Oh, wow, Rick.
Now, this is more like it.
Look, there's little staircase-shaped people in here.
All kinds of crazy characters.
This place is great, you know? It's whimsical and fun.
What are you looking at, mother- Easy, Rick.
Pay them no mind.
Those stair goblins can be moody.
Now, what can I getcha? We've got skarlog poppies, flurlow, halzingers, bloogies, juicy time babies.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, how about some scotch whiskey? You got any of that around here? Or just a bunch of nonsense words? Rick We'll have two bloogies, please.
And, uh, we were wondering, is there a faster way two heroes could get down these stairs? Y'all need to ride down the stairs? My name is slippely-slippery stair.
I'll take you down there for I don't know how much I don't know what that is.
Is that a lot? Is it a little? That's exactly how much I spent on my big fake boobies.
Hi, I'm Mr.
booby buyer.
I'll buy those boobies for It's a tempting offer, but I'm gonna have to decline.
Rats! What a shame.
Morty, your adventure's in a spiral.
For real, man, time to pull out.
You keep heckling my adventure, Rick! - You know why? - Uh, because it's lame? It's because you're petty! You know, how many times have I had to follow you into some nonsensical bull crap? I always roll with the punches, Rick.
Why can't you? Look, I got to take a leak, and when I come back, if you haven't learned how to lighten up, don't be here! Whatever.
It's become clear-look at me- that if we concentrate all our efforts on Jerry's follow-through, we will solve this problem.
- I'm Mr.
- I'm Mr.
Look at me.
The only thing that's clear is that choking up is the one true solution.
Look at me.
I'm Mr.
I've been trying to help Jerry for two days, an eternity in Meeseeks time, and nothing's worked.
I fear the worst.
Your failures are your own, old man.
I'm Mr.
Meeseeks! Look at me.
I say follow-through! Who's with me?! Follow-through! I'm Mr.
Meeseeks! Look at me! Kill him! How are you today? - I'm Mr.
jelly bean.
- Hi, Mr.
jelly bean.
I'm Morty.
My grandpa and I are on an adventure.
- Nice.
Is it a fun adventure? - I hope so.
But I'm starting to get nervous that maybe it's gone a little too far off the rails.
Isn't that what adventures do? Hey, you know what? You're right.
Everything's going fine.
I just got to relax and go with the flow.
Uhh, no, stay.
Go with the flow.
You're making me really uncomfortable.
Stop fighting me.
Just let this happen.
Get off of me! Sweet home Alabama Whoo! No! Stop! Please! Stop being such a tease, you sweet little- No! No! Everybody sto-o-o-p! Look at me! My brothers, nothing will be accomplished by shedding Meeseeks blood.
None of us can die until our job is done.
The job can't be done! We'll never get two strokes off his game! No, we won't.
But we will get all strokes off his game.
Where's he going with this? What's he mean? When we kill him.
Jerry, maybe it's time I take that trip I always talk about.
Where would you go? I don't know, man.
Countries known for their sexually aggressive men.
Did I tell you how much I love your new haircut? What the heck? There he is! Run, Jerry! Come on out, Jerry! Guys, I'll choke up.
I'll follow through.
I'll do whatever you tell me to do, okay? Oh, we're well past that, Jerry.
Come on, Rick, quit stalling.
What do ya got? Read 'em and weep, fellas! Oh, hey, Morty.
Listen, I'm really sorry about all that stuff I said earlier about your adventure.
I'm havin' a good time, Morty.
- It's not so bad.
- Let's just go home, okay? I'm calling it.
The adventure's over.
We can't leave now, Morty.
- I'm on fire! - Look, I want to leave now.
You win the bet, okay? Just give me the portal gun and let's go, please.
Please, I just want to go home.
Listen, Morty.
I just won a bunch of shmeckels.
Why don't we use 25 of them to pay slippery stair here for a ride back to the village, and then we'll give the rest of the shmeckels to the villagers, huh? - Really? - Sure, Morty.
You know, a good adventure needs a good ending.
Buckle up! Meeseeks are not born into this world fumbling for meaning, Jerry! We are created to serve a singular purpose for which we will go to any lengths to fulfill! Existence is pain to a Meeseeks, Jerry.
And we will do anything to alleviate that pain.
Just ask Aah! what's your name, ma'am? Samantha.
Please, mister! Give him what he wants! Innocent people are going to die because of me.
Why am I so mediocre? Jerry, turn around.
Straighten your back.
Bend your knees.
Bend them.
Square your shoulders.
Take a deep breath.
I love you.
I'm counting to three, Jerry.
What the is going on? He's got it! That's a lower handicap stro-o-ke! Excuse me.
I'm a bit of a stickler Meeseeks.
What about your short game? Oh, my God, oh, my God! What about your short game?! Ooh, nice! I think we'll take our food to go.
No, you won't.
The police are coming.
You have so many questions to answer.
Fair enough.
Thank you, kind sir.
Our village is saved! You are both true heroes! Good job, Morty.
Looks like you won the bet.
Thanks, Rick, but I don't know if I should.
You know, you were right about the universe.
It's a crazy and chaotic place.
Well, you know, maybe that's why it could use a little cleaning up every now and then, you know.
This one's wrapped up neat and clean because we did it Morty style.
Oh! Heroes, we would like to introduce you to our beloved king so that he may thank you personally.
Uh, no, I-it's cool.
So You still thinking about taking that trip? Jerry, look.
We don't have a perfect marriage, but I'm not going anywhere.
When we were in that freezer, I realized the Meeseeks are like the guys I went to high school with willing to say anything to "complete their task.
" Was I one of those guys? The difference is you didn't disappear afterwards.
Well I got you pregnant.
Yeah What the hell happened to this place? Uh, your Meeseeks box happened.
They went crazy when they couldn't take two strokes off Jerry's golf game.
He felt terrible.
Hey, it's not my fault that Jerry's an idiot.
Dad! Is there anything you can do to clean this place up? Well, you know, I do have a Fleeseeks box.
No more boxes.
What? It just has a mop and some floor wax in it.
Wubba lubba dub dubs! Yeah! That's my new thing! I'm kind of like what's his name Arsenio.
Isn't that it's what Arsenio used to say on his show.
Wobble gobba lop bops! Right? See you next week, everybody.
I don't get it.
Sir, I think you're going to want to see this.
We found it inside a lockbox inside king jelly bean's closet.
We have to tell the people.
Destroy it.
Our people will get more from the idea he represented than from the jelly bean he actually was.

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