Rick and Morty (2013) s01e06 Episode Script

Principal vagina here.
Don't let the name fool you.
I'm very much in charge reminding you that tonight is our annual flu season dance.
I don't know how many times I have to say this, but if you have the flu, stay home.
Hey.
The flu season dance is about awareness, not celebration.
You don't bring dead babies to passover.
Okay.
Here we go.
Hey, Jessica.
Uh What's up, Morty? What are you doing? Um Wait, wait.
Were you about to talk to her? Well I mean, I was thinking about it.
Dude, stay in your league.
Look at how hot she is.
You don't see me going to a bigger school in a wealthier district and hitting on their prettiest girl.
Gee, thanks, Brad.
I throw balls far.
You want good words? Date a languager.
Try not to worry about it, Morty.
You're a good kid, and there's not a premium on that right now, but you'll be getting girls sometime after Brad's out of shape.
You're missing the point, dad.
I don't want girls.
I want Jessica.
Ah, well, I remember feeling that way about a young lady named "your mom," and that's not an urban diss.
Your mom was my Jessica.
I remember the first time I saw her.
I thought, "I should get her pregnant, and then she'll have to marry me.
" I beg your pardon, Rick.
Inappropriate.
Sorry, please proceed with your story about banging my daughter in high school.
I'm not sure you want to take romantic advice from this guy, Morty.
His marriage is hanging from a thread.
My marriage is fine, thank you.
Jerry, it's your house whatever you say it is is how it is but I think a blind man could see that Beth is looking for the door.
I barely have a reason to care, and even inoticed.
Come on, Rick! Don't talk about my parents like that.
Listen, Morty, I hate to break it to you, but what people call "love" is just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed.
It hits hard, Morty, then it slowly fades, leaving you stranded in a failing marriage.
I did it.
Your parents are gonna do it.
Break the cycle, Morty.
Rise above.
Focus on science.
All right, well, I'm gonna go get dressed for the dance.
Yeah, I'm just going to check on your mom.
Morty, hand me that screwdriver, huh? I'm almost finished making my ionic defibulizer, Morty.
It's gonna be great.
Hey, listen, Rick.
You know how you said that, you know, love is a chemical and all that stuff from earlier? Well, I was thinking, you know, could you make some sort of chemical thing happen inside of Jessica's mind, you know, so where she falls in love with me and all that sort of thing? You know, like, maybe make some sort of love potion or something? Morty, that's such a poor use of my time.
It's beneath me.
Hand me the screwdriver.
You know what? No, Rick! I'm not gonna hand you the screwdriver.
I'm not gonna hand you anything ever again, Rick! I'm always helping you with this and that and the other thing.
What about me, Rick? Why can't you just help me out once once for once? You're growing up fast, Morty.
You're growing into a real big thorn straight up into my ass.
Listen, this is called oxytocin.
I extracted it from a vole.
Do you know what a vole is, Morty? You know what a vole is? It's a it's a rodent that mates for life, Morty.
This is the chemical released in a mammal's brain, you know, that makes it fall in love.
All right, Morty, I just got to combine it with some of your DNA.
Oh, well, okay.
A hair, Morty.
I need one of your hairs.
- This isn't "game of thrones.
" - Ow! All right, Morty.
Whoever you smear this stuff on will fall in love with you, and only you, forever.
- Are you happy now, Morty? - Heck, yeah! Thank you, grandpa Rick.
Hey, there's no dangers or anything, or side effects, right? What am I, a hack? Go nuts, Morty.
It's foolproof.
Eh, unless she has the flu.
- Beth, do you still love me? - Ugh, what kind of question is that? The "yes or no" kind? Jerry, do you want homeless people to have homes? - Yes.
- Are you gonna build them? - No.
- Then what good was the "yes"? Wait, is loving me the house or the homeless people? Loving you is work, Jerry hard work, like building a homeless shelter nobody wants to say no to doing it, but some people put the work in.
So, what do you say? Do you see me working here? Does this conversation seem tedious to me? Sort of.
Then I obviously sort of love you, don't I? So stop asking, and maybe I'll love you more.
Crap, they need me at the horse hospital.
This late? The racetrack had a starlight derby.
There was a seven-horse collision, and Davin's there alone.
Davin.
Davin! Davin.
Davin! Davin! Davin! Davin! Flu, yo you got to be aware aware of all the flu up in the air I'm-a get me a shot and make the flu go away flu-hating rapper just rapping away yo, yo, flu-hating rapper it's a flu-hating rapper Hey, there, Jessica.
Whoa! Oh, whoopsie! Oh, my God.
Morty.
You look really nice tonight.
Wow, thanks.
I love you, Morty! I love you so much it burns! Oh, man! I love you too, Jessica! Is this punk bothering you, Jessica? Leave him alone, jerk! I'm in love with him! He is more man than you will ever be! This is about flu awareness got to be aware of the flu in the air-ness yo, I'm a flu-hating rapper Oh, man, Morty.
I'm really sorry.
Oh, well, no problem, Brad.
There's something special about you, Morty so special.
- Mmm, yeah.
- Whoa, take it easy! Get your hands off of him! - Back off! - I'm trying to be with my man! That's enough, Bradley! We don't want you injuring your ball-throwing arm.
Oh, come on, principal Vagina.
Never leave me, Morty.
Never! Uh, sure.
I mean, of course not.
What do you think that was all about? Who cares? Just hold me.
Let me go! I love you, Morty! Let go of me! Morty! She's gonna be alone with that guy all night.
Yeah, dad, digging around the insides of horses.
It's not a very romantic setting.
Well, Summer, there's always the possibility that she made the whole work thing up.
Maybe Davin's digging around in her insides.
Grandpa, so gross! You're talking about my mom.
Well, she's my daughter, Summer.
I outrank you.
Or family means nothing, in which case don't play that card.
She's not responding to my texts! Careful, dad.
Jealousy turns women off.
Well, isn't that convenient? Not for the men they cheat on, no.
Okay, I'm going to go out for some ice cream.
And maybe stop by the hospital to support my wife with my confidence.
- God, grandpa, you're such a dick.
- I'm sorry, Summer.
Your opinion means very little to me.
How come you're not at this stupid dance everyone loves so much? Screw that.
I don't want to get sick.
- It's flu season.
- It is? - Yeah.
- Uh-oh.
Please just let this work out.
Do it, Morty.
Do it.
Rip my clothes off and mate with me for life! Um Can we maybe go somewhere more private? Jessica, get a hold of yourself! You don't deserve to carry Morty's genes.
I love Morty and I hope Morty loves me I'd like to wrap my arms around him and feel him inside me Oh, crap.
Morty! Morty, come on! We got to get you out of here.
You're not gonna believe this, because it usually never happens, but I made a mistake.
Come on, Morty.
We got to get out of here.
Morty! - Are you okay? - I'm fine! Oh, good.
If anything ever happened to you, I would kill myself.
I love you bad, mo-mo! Morty, the principal and I have discussed it, and we're both insecure enough to agree to a three-way! I didn't realize when I gave you that serum that Jessica had the flu, you know, that might have been valuable information for me, Morty.
What the hell is going on, Rick? What does it look like? The serum is piggybacking on the virus.
It's gone airborne, Morty.
Oh, crap.
What are we gonna do, Rick? It's gonna be fine, Morty, relax.
I whipped up and antidote.
It's based on praying-mantis You know, praying mantises are the exact opposite of voles, Morty.
I mean, they they mate once, and then they, you know, decapitate the partner.
I mean, it's a whole ritual.
It's really gruesome and totally opposite.
There's no love at all.
I basically mixed this with a more contagious flu virus.
It should neutralize the whole thing, Morty.
It'll all be over very shortly.
Morty! Uh, by the way, Morty, I know you didn't ask or anything, but I'm not interested in having sex with you.
These serums, they don't work on anybody related to you genetically.
Morty! Okay, well, sometimes, science is more art than science, Morty.
A lot of people don't get that.
Come on.
Are you kidding me? Hello! Morty! You're not Morty! Bring us Morty! Nobody's killing me until after I catch my wife with another man.
I had sex with Billy.
But you were already pregnant! Yeah, so what's the worst that could happen? We interrupt "pregnant baby" with breaking news.
Come on.
This just in; Morty Smith's whereabouts are still unknown.
What the hell? The only thing that is known is how cute he is.
I love him so much, I want to make love to him and then eat his head.
I love him more than you do, Harold! You wish, you stupid bitch! Morty's mine! Morty's mine! Meant to be together! Morty! Where is Morty? Oh, my God, Rick.
The whole world is infected! Yeah, it's pretty wild how fast that spread.
I've really outdone myself.
Outdone yourself?! Are you kidding me, Rick? This is not okay! Not only do they all want to have sex with me, but, you know, now they want to eat me afterwards! Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking.
Mantises are they opposite of voles? I mean, obviously, DNA's a little more complicated than that.
You know what, though, Morty? This right here's gonna do the trick, baby.
It's koala mixed with rattlesnake, chimpanzee, cactus, shark, golden retriever, and just a smidge of dinosaur.
Should add up to normal humanity.
That doesn't make any sense, Rick.
How does that add up to normal humanity? What, Morty, you want me to show you my math? I'm sorry are you the scientist or are you the kid that wanted to get laid? Well, I'm glad we saved all those horses, but I'm almost sorry we're finished.
Yes, it's satisfying work.
Unh-unh-unh, it's, uh it's more than the work.
I love being in that sterilized room, sealed off from the world.
It's the only time I can really think and feel.
Hmm, uh, what are you doing? I'm playing African dream pop.
What do you do after a long night? Oh, ha, um, hey, I'd better get going.
Um, Jerry's been texting some pretty high-maintenance stuff.
Beth What is it, Davin? Just once, I'd like to know what it was like to give your son a bath.
What?! What does Morty's skin smell like? How soft How soft are his privates? Let go of me, Davin! Take me to Morty.
You're not Morty.
No.
I'm Mr.
Crowbar, and this is my friend, who is also a crowbar.
That's stupid.
Yeah? Well, look where being smart got you.
Jerry! Thank God! God? God's turning people into insect monsters, Beth.
I'm the one beating them to death.
Thank me.
Thank you, Jerry.
Thank you.
Take a good look down there, Morty, and soak it in, because, you know, once I pull this lever, it's all back to normal.
Just do it already.
Well, technically, Morty, there's no rush.
I mean, you know, once it's fixed, it's done.
It's fixed.
You know, we could we could just enjoy it for a little bit.
I mean, look at how crazy it is.
I mean, Morty, when's the next time you're gonna see something like this? I mean, soak it in, you know? It's it's pretty neat.
- It's pretty interesting.
- That's it, Rick! I'm pulling the lever.
What do we have here, Morty? Looks like I was right and you were wrong, huh? I bet you feel pretty stupid right about now, huh? I bet you feel like the world's smallest man that you were doubting me about this whole thing, Morty.
Oh, Rick, something's not right.
Yeah, you.
- You're not right ever.
- No, no! Look, you idiot! Bet you're loving this, Morty.
This must be the best day of your life.
You get to be the mayor of "I told you" town.
You're welcome.
Hold on.
I wish that shotgun was my penis.
If it were, you could call me Ernest Hemingway.
I don't get it, and I don't need to.
Mom! Dad! - Summer! - Summer! - Where's Morty? - I don't know.
Do you think grandpa Rick had something to do with this? It's not fair to assume that, Summer.
Oh, not fair? Give me a break.
He is a selfish, irresponsible ass, and he left my mother.
A real man stands by his woman.
Tchoo-tchoo-tchoo.
Tchoo-tchoo.
Boy, Morty, I really cronenberged the world up, didn't I? We got a whole planet of cronenbergs walking around down there, Morty.
At least they're not in love with you anymore, though.
That's a huge step in the right direction.
Oh, my God! It's a living nightmare! How could you be so irresponsible, Rick? Me irresponsible?! All I wanted you to do was hand me a screwdriver, Morty! You're the one who wanted me to buckle down and make you up a roofie-juice serum so you could roofie that poor girl at your school.
I mean, are you kidding me, Morty? You're gonna try to take the high road on this one? You're a little creep, Morty.
You're you're just a little creepy creep person.
All right, fine.
I should have just listened to you when you refused to make the serum.
I'm willing to accept my part of the blame for this, Rick.
But I'll tell you something you know what? You got to accept your part of the blame! I'm not the one who fouled up the serum! I'm not the one who haphazardly, you know, mixed a bunch of nonsense together and created a bunch of cronenbergs! You got to fix this, Rick! All right, all right, Morty.
You know, we are in a pretty deep hole, here, but I do have one emergency solution that I can use that'll kind of put everything back to normal, relatively speaking.
Here, Morty, put this on while I do a little bit of scouting.
Wow, Rick, I got to say, you really pulled a rabbit out of your hat this time.
I mean, I really thought that the whole place was gonna be messed up for good, but here, you did it you figured out that crazy solution, like you always do.
Whoo! That's some great luck.
Come on, Morty.
Luck had nothing to do with it.
I'm great.
That's the real reason.
Now, Morty, what do you say, buddy? Will you hand me a screwdriver so I can finish my ionic dis defibulizer? Sure thing, Rick.
Here's a screwdriver.
All right, Morty.
Thank you very much.
We got one screw turn and two screw turns and All right, Morty, here we are.
Oh, my God, Rick! Is that us?! We're dead! What is going on, Rick? I'm freaking out! Calm down, Morty! Look at me! Calm down, Morty! No, I can't deal with this! - Calm yourself, Morty.
- I can't deal with this, Rick! - Calm down, Morty.
- This can't be real! You got to calm down, Morty.
We're ripped apart! Shut up and listen to me! It's fine.
Everything is fine.
There's an infinite number of realities, Morty, and in a few dozen of those, I got lucky and turned everything back to normal.
I just had to find one of those realities in which we also happen to both die around this time.
Now we can just slip into the place of our dead selves in this reality and everything will be fine.
We're not skipping a beat, Morty.
- Now, help me with these bodies.
- This is insane.
Look, Morty, I'll grab myself, you grab yourself, okay? I mean, that seems fair to me I mean, that seems like a fair way to divvy it up.
Rick, what about the reality we left behind? What about the reality where Hitler cured cancer, Morty? The answer is don't think about it.
It's not like we can do this every week, anyways.
We get three or four more of these, tops.
Now, pick up your dead self and come on.
Haste makes waste.
I don't suppose you've considered this detail, but obviously, if I hadn't screwed up as much as I did, we'd be these guys right now, so, again, you're welcome.
Look on down from the bridge there's still fountains down there look on down from the bridge it's still raining up here everybody seems so far away from me everybody just wants to be free look away from the sky it's no different when you're leaving home I can't be the same thing to you now I'm just gone just gone how could I say goodbye? How could I say goodbye? You know, the thing about a shark He's got lifeless eyes black eyes, like a doll's eyes.
When he comes at ya, he doesn't seem to be living until he bites ya, and then the the blood, and the red, and the water You ever wonder what happened to Rick and Morty? Sometimes.
But, I'm ashamed to admit, now that they're gone, I'm finally happy.
Here we are, cronenberg Morty, a reality where everyone in the world got genetically cronenberged.
We'll fit right in, cronenberg Morty.
It'll be like we never even left cronenberg world.
Yeah, cronenberg Rick, but, you know, I'm gonna miss cronenberg world, because everyone was cronenberged all along like us from the beginning, you know? I mean, I wish we hadn't genetically ruined cronenberg world beyond repair like we did, you know, and turned everyone into regular, normal people just walking around.
Don't you worry about that sort of thing, cronenberg Morty.
Let's go make ourselves at home, huh?