Robin Hood s02e09 Episode Script

Lardner's Ring

Excuse me.
Guy, there's a messenger outside with a letter, but he's insisting he gives it to the lord of the manor in person.
- Is it from Lady Marian? - No.
He says it's from the King.
The King? So, where is he, then? Well, he was here a minute ago.
He thought Robin was lord of the manor.
Maybe he found out he wasn't and ran off.
What fool told him that? - It's not a secret, is it? - Fool! - Get after him.
I want that letter.
- Yeah.
He won't get far.
He's only on foot.
Hah! Hey, guards, come on.
Happy birthday, Gisborne.
- Party going well, is it? - We've got a problem.
- Give us the letter, we'll let you go, all right? - No! Over here! Oi! Get over here! The tracks are down here! Come along! You've got the most distinctive tracks in the forest.
- You might as well give up now.
- This way! - Give us the message from the King.
- It's for Robin of Locksley only.
Just give it to me or we'll take it from you.
Don't you know it's rude to read other people's mail? By the time you get close enough to use those swords, you'll be so full of arrows, you'll look like hedgehogs.
So, this is what Gisborne's dogsbody does, is it? I'm not his dogsbody.
I'm his right-hand man.
Oh.
I couldn't face myself in the morning if I was you.
I count my money in the morning.
While you two are squabbling, there's a man in agony.
Run back to your master.
Go on.
Go on! Run! - Do you practice little speeches like that? - Like what? "You'll be so full of arrows, you'll look like hedgehogs.
" No.
It just came to mind.
- You practice, don't you? - No.
- Robin - Shh Shh I know you.
Save your strength.
Lardner.
Lardner! It's the royal seal.
It is from Richard.
- So, where are they, Gisborne? - They'll be here.
Woodcock, Sir Guy.
Birthday treat.
- Shall I get started? - If you must.
Your men had better get to him before Robin does.
He wants reinforcements.
He wants more men.
He still has no idea.
He has no idea what's happening in England! The message you sent with Carter can't have reached the King yet.
Many a courier get intercepted.
The proof of that's right here.
He wants me to send a note back with with Lardner, telling him how many men I can recruit and when I'll arrive.
Well, you can't do that now, can you? But This This isn't Lardner.
This This is McLellan.
This is Laurence McLellan.
Well, then, who's Lardner? Richard the Lion-Heart, they call him.
Now, going into battle in a foreign land, it's not the heart of a lion you want, is it? Huh? Since when did a heart hurt anybody? Huh? Come on, then! Come on! I've got the heart of a lion.
You can imagine the Saracens translating that, can't you? He's got the what of a lion? The teeth? The jaws? The claws? No the heart.
Richard the Lion-Claw, "Jerusalem's yours.
Come in.
Sit down.
Help yourself.
" Lion-Heart - He's good.
Very good.
- Forget about it.
It's no wonder it's taking him so long over there, is it? Mind you Mind you it's better than his brother, isn't it? Prince John.
What's Prince John doing? Sitting at home.
Heart of a dormouse? Prince John is a friend of mine.
It's a joke.
It's what I do.
I do other things.
Let's try some soothsaying.
Sit down.
Sit down.
Sit down.
I'll make some predictions and then I'll make them come true.
Someone in this room will bare their buttocks to the Sheriff tonight.
Take that man to the dungeons now! Hang on.
Prediction two.
Sir Guy's joint will rise from the dead.
- What's that supposed to mean? - Your woodcock, Sir Guy.
- I can bring it back to life.
- Get rid of him.
My third prediction is about Prince John.
- One day, Prince John will be King of England.
- I know that already.
But something in Nottingham can stop him.
- Like what? - Lardner's ring.
- What is Lardner's ring? - Let me go and I'll tell you.
Lock him in the cell overnight, flog him in the morning and then he'll tell us.
Now, that really is funny! You should listen to me.
I know what I'm talking about.
Ah! The first prediction.
I told you, and the others will follow.
Beware the power of Lardner's ring.
What is Lardner's ring? I know I'm meant to be loyal and obedient, but the King doesn't know the facts.
Once he does, he'll return home.
And this is no time for you to go back to the Holy Land.
We're agreed, then.
Absolutely.
Would you like to say a few words? Go on, then.
Will you marry me? What? The first time I held my bow, I knew.
It felt right, like it had been made for me, and that's how I feel about you.
I promised your father I would protect and look after you.
But it works both ways.
I look after my bow because it protects and looks after me.
Together, we're stronger.
So Marian, will you marry me? Robin, of every single man in the world, you are the only one - Is that a yes? - Will you let me finish? I'm sorry.
The only one who would propose over a fresh grave by comparing me to your weapon.
- Well, is that a no? - Who'll give me away? I can ask the King.
So, we find Lardner and bring the King home, defeat the Sheriff and get married.
Well, that sounds like a plan.
Move, you worm! Water! Water! Right Oh! What's that?! - It's a dove.
- Well, I've seen it all now.
Here, why do you keep a bird in your pocket? Why do you keep a worm in your pants? You should keep an eye on that belt of yours.
- Where is he? - Er he's dead.
- What about the message? - Well, we got part of it, but Robin turned up.
Turned up and got his message?! I don't know.
Look, he kind of took us by surprise.
All we heard him say was Lardner.
That was it.
Lardner.
That's what he said.
I blame you for this! You had him on your doorstep and you let him escape! You and your imbeciles! Six legs against one, and the one got away! That's the same pigeon.
That was the same one the jester brought, weren't it? That's impossible.
There's an explanation.
There is always a rational explanation.
We know McLellan and the Fool spoke together, so something was said about the ring of Lardner.
Maybe it's got some kind of coded inscription on it.
That's no problem.
We'll just torture the Fool until he tells us.
He's disappeared! Disappeared? I know that, you blithering oaf! Know anyone called Lardner? Have you ever known or heard of anyone or anything called Lardner? Lardner's ring, what is it? What is it? Tell us where it is or we will take every ring in this village.
- It must be some kind of ring tax.
- Allan's with them.
Leave me alone! I don't know anything! - Right, you've had your chance.
- Oh! Lose the ring or lose the finger.
Somebody knows where Lardner is.
Did he say Lardner? - Does that mean something to you? - I don't know anything! When the sand runs out, the finger comes off.
Much, when we were in the Holy Land, do you remember anybody called Lardner? - No.
Why? - Because I have to find him.
Where's er Where's Will and Djaq? They said they've gone to get some honey.
- They'll be back soon.
- If that's what they've gone for.
Why does it need two of them? Hmm? Honey is one of those things.
What things? What do you call it when you use a sweet, innocent word but you mean something else? - A lie.
- No.
- A euphemism.
- Euphemism.
Exactly.
Yes.
There's a bit too much honey going on round here if you ask me.
Will and Djaq nipping off together, you two going for long walks in the forest He's jealous.
What happened to fighting for justice and rebelling against the Sheriff? We should be sticking together.
Instead, we're splitting into couples.
To be perfectly honest, I don't fancy mine much.
While you've been off gallivanting, we've had to - We haven't been gallivanting.
- I know what you've been up to.
We've been burying a corpse in the forest.
Is that a euphemism? Speak know and spare this woman's finger.
Say nothing, your silence proves your guilt.
- Can we risk it? - Yeah, we have to.
I'll take them the long way round, lead them away from camp.
Stop! I know who Lardner is, and I know about his ring.
- Let the woman go.
- You're in Robin Hood's gang.
Let the woman go! Now, tell me about Lardner.
You'll have to catch us first! Get after them! Come on! That way! Whoa Whoa Whoa there, horsey.
This is my lucky day, this is.
Or it was.
Robin! - What's happened? - It's Gisborne.
- He's in Locksley, terrorizing the people.
- What? He's searching for Lardner's ring.
Ah, Gisborne the gullible.
I've got something to show you.
First, you see it.
Then you don't.
There it is and there it isn't.
What's your point? - How did you do that? - Ah You simply pull up on the handle here.
The claw grabs hold of the bird.
You lift up the lid, the bird's gone.
The cooked bird has been hollowed out.
You put a live dove inside it and then la-di-da-di-da, plate full of birds' wings.
Your fool, he's no sorcerer.
He's no soothsayer and he cannot predict the future.
He was right about Lardner's ring though.
Bring them in.
Back home, my uncle had a friend, the Sultan's official pigeon handler.
Wait, he handles pigeons? Yes, he handles pigeons.
Job, I suppose It's a very important job, Much.
Now, the Sultan's very best pigeon, the smallest and quickest one was a pigeon called La Denah.
Right.
Right, does he have a ring? And if he does, what's so special about it? The Saracens use pigeons to carry messages.
They put the message on a little ring tied to the bird's foot and then let it fly off.
It doesn't matter how far away the bird is when you let it go, because it will always find its way home, carrying the message with it.
But it isn't their home they're searching for, it is their mate.
All you have to do is split the two of them up and a pigeon will carry a message to the ends of the earth faster and straighter than any man ever could, just to be with the one they love.
So we could get a message to King Richard, halfway across the world in no time at all? A matter of days.
That's incredible! My question is why is the Sultan's best pigeon being used by King Richard? Well, maybe they formed an alliance or something.
Or maybe King Richard and his army have helped themselves.
If they've got La Denah, they've got the Sultan.
And if they've got the Sultan, they've got everyone.
We have to go back to the tree.
So that's what he had in his box, and the only place he could have left it is up that tree.
You make me sick, you know that, betraying your old friends.
Well, I hope you're enjoying it, Allan.
- I couldn't live with myself.
- You won't have to for much longer, you see.
The penalty for being in Robin Hood's gang is death! Right, well, I'm glad I could have been of service.
- I think my work here is done.
Could I go now? - Of course, with him, to the gallows.
Hang them both! And feed their carcasses to the birds.
Come along, Gisborne.
No time to lose.
- No, please! Don't let them do this to me! - Hey I do comedy.
I don't do tragedy.
Please? Well, seeing you swing will be comedy, won't it? - Oh! - Very good.
If Robin gets the bird, it means the King knows our plans, and the last thing we need is the King and his army coming back to England before we're ready for them.
So, we must catch the pigeon.
Catch the pigeon now! But if we wait for Will, then we can all go together.
No.
We have to go now.
Come on! - And if Allan returns? - Yes! If they knew what Lardner was, they wouldn't have terrorized the village.
We won't be long.
Work on the message.
Give me the rope.
Good luck.
Do you think a bird could fly that distance and still find its way home? The dove found its way back to Noah's Ark.
How do they do it? They just follow their hearts.
Won't be long.
You take your time.
No rush.
Do you think that contraption's strong enough to hold us both? Last a lifetime, that will.
At least, your lifetime.
I could do your job.
I couldn't do yours.
Can you see it? That's it, I think.
Well can you reach it? I'm nearly there.
Robin! Robin, the Sheriff's coming! And Gisborne's with him! Run! Go without me! I'll hold them off.
Hang on.
Stop.
Yeah, that's the tree.
You're surrounded, Hood! You're going nowhere! Get back on your horse and get reinforcements! - What are you doing here? - Hiding.
Great.
He could just wait until it's dark and then release the bird.
They'll be down before nightfall.
- Come home.
- No.
It needs It needs more immediacy.
- Come home now.
- Come home immediately.
What's the matter with now? - Immediately's better.
- Immediately's longer.
- What? - Lardner's a pigeon, not an eagle.
- More words, more weight.
- It's one word, same as now! - Well, then, use now! - Too many cooks! You know, traditionally, men in your position offer men in our position a last request.
I don't hold with tradition.
It's just a little thing.
Would you scratch my nose? I've got an itch.
Let the devil scratch it.
You'll see him soon enough.
Sir Guy's got Robin Hood trapped up a tree! Wants every available man down there now! - Get your horses! Quick! - One last chance.
While no one's looking, let us go.
We'll say no more about it, yeah? I'm a performer! I can't die without an audience! It's an insult to my profession.
I told you to keep an eye on that belt.
Marian, they don't know you're up here.
If I make a run for it, they'll follow me.
- You can escape with Lardner.
- They're coming back.
That is a complete waste of arrows.
- I've just given Allan something to think about.
- Think about us, running out of arrows! Look.
Look, they're retreating.
I have an idea.
Do not let them escape while I'm gone.
- They'll be dead by the time you get back.
- I won't hold my breath.
Maybe you could use me as a hostage.
- What? - You know Gisborne's feelings for me.
He might let you go if he thought it meant getting me back.
Are you mad? I could say I was on my way home to him and you ambushed me in the forest.
He'd never fall for it.
And how would that look? "Robin Hood takes Lady Marian hostage.
" Oh, yes.
Us dying together might look better, but it won't bring the King home.
Even if Gisborne fell for it, the Sheriff wouldn't.
The Sheriff's gone.
Gisborne's in charge.
- Look, Robin, this could be our last chance.
- No! It's not happening.
Robin, have you got a better idea? Right, "Your Majesty, no reinforcements.
John plans to steal your throne " Plots.
Plots is a better word.
Plots is better.
"Your Majesty, no reinforcements.
John plots to steal your throne.
"Come home now.
" Short, sharp and to the point.
I'll add, "Make peace," before "come home.
" - Yeah.
- "Make peace immediately.
" Ah Well, you know, I do like immediately.
But it needs more emotion.
Make it bigger, raise the stakes and alliterate.
Alliteration makes it much more memorable.
- Where have you come from? - I appear, I disappear It's what I do.
To tell how would spoil the illusion.
He's with me.
I thought you'd been caught.
Madam, manacles are mere mist to myself and my my mate.
- You know about the pigeon? - Robin and Marian have gone to get him.
Yeah, well, so have the Sheriff and Gisborne.
They've got them trapped up a tree, surrounded.
We need to go.
Now.
Immediately! OK, line up! You, over there! Let's get him down! Line up! Saddle me up another horse.
Make it a fast one.
I'll be leaving shortly.
It's a matter of time, Hood.
Say your prayers.
If they come any nearer, they'll get the same, and I won't be aiming at their feet! - Give me your arrows.
- It's not enough.
They don't know that, do they? Ready? Yeah! Move! I'll scream.
Then I can say you were holding me hostage.
You didn't scream earlier.
He's not stupid.
I'll deal with this, Marian.
It'll take them hours to cut down this tree, and in that time, the gang will realize something's wrong.
Yeah? They'll come and help.
Come.
Come.
That's it, stop.
I can't hear an axe.
What are they waiting for? You know what that is, don't you? It's pitch.
It burns hot and it burns fast.
OK.
Go! Go! - Much, I think it's this way.
- You think? - Shh! - Don't tell me to shush! - We're looking for a tree in a forest! - Shut up and listen! - I hope you're ready, Hood.
- I'm sensing it's that way.
You tried to cover me in pitch once, Hood.
Do you remember? Tried to cook me alive in my own armor.
Yeah.
I should have gone through with it.
Talking trees are good, but burning bushes are better.
I don't see a trough of water for you to jump into.
If I were bound and gagged, I couldn't scream, so all we have to do - No.
- There's no other way.
- There's always another way.
- Shields! This is just putting off the inevitable.
- You're not going back to him.
- I can do more good in the castle.
Marian, I would rather die here than have you go back If you die now, my father died for nothing! Trust me.
- I'll get us out of this.
- No, you won't, not without my help.
Look, we're in this together.
Now, tie me up.
Right, listen to me.
He's only got two choices now, run or burn.
Either way, he's finished.
And any bird that leaves those leaves dies in the sky.
There are too many of them.
What are we going to do? After three, open the shield wall.
One Two Three! Gisborne, if I die, Marian dies! No! Move! Marian! So it's true.
You still love her.
I've found your weakness, Gisborne.
If you harm a single hair on her head, I swear I will kill you.
You will die more slowly and more painfully than any man has ever died before.
- I thought that was the point.
- No.
It would have been quick and painless.
You let me go, I'll leave her behind, untouched.
I'll think about it.
Everybody back! Stay together! Move! - Close up! Close up! - Well, that bought us some time.
Any ideas? We need to make Robin and Marian disappear.
How do we do that? A puff of smoke.
Careful.
You all right? I won't leave you behind, but we can make him think that I will.
So now we can all see the famous Robin Hood for who he really is, a common coward, using an innocent woman as a hostage! She's not an innocent! She's one of you lot, a pampered parasite, living off the backs of the poor! It's nothing personal.
You can't hide behind her skirts forever.
Come down and fight like a man.
Remove your soldiers, Gisborne, or she dies at sundown! He wouldn't do that, would he? He's bluffing.
This is a siege.
All I have to do is wait.
Well, you can't wait too long though.
As soon as the Sheriff gets back, she's gonna die.
Ready? Let's go.
- The forest's on fire.
- It's a smoke screen.
You, you and you, find the fire and put it out! His men are in the forest.
Right, surround the tree! Move! Make sure you can see the man on either side of you at all times! Right, close in the circle.
Move in! - Yes! - I know what you're doing, and it won't work.
We're ready for you, ready and waiting.
It's from Will.
He's got a plan.
Here, here.
Tighten it.
- OK, now, good.
- Horses.
- You'll have to put your arms around me.
- No.
I'm not coming.
Marian, we haven't got time for this! - Then go, before they see the rope.
- We can both go.
- Now.
- I'm staying here until you get away safely.
- This is about Gisborne, isn't it? - No.
Inside us, we both know we belong together, and being apart will tear me apart, but I'm more use in the castle.
I can protect you better from there.
It's our only hope.
Trust me.
- Give me your hand.
- No.
- Just give me your hand.
- Is this a trick? It's an engagement ring.
- This afternoon, we had a plan.
- Yes.
Find Lardner and bring the King home, defeat the Sheriff and get married, in that order, Robin.
First things first.
This isn't what I want to do.
It's what I have to do.
- I love you.
- I love you too.
Where's Marian? - Let's get out of here.
Has Will got everything? - Yes.
Help! Somebody, please help me! - Robin's gone! - Get after him! Do not let him release that bird! £50 to the man who kills the pigeon! He's left me up here to die! Help me! Marian, I'm coming! - Is the note ready? - Yeah.
Where's Marian? She's fine.
Just get out of here, and don't let that bird go until you're out of range, right? Ah! I'm coming, Marian! I'll soon be there.
Marian, hold on! Hurry up! Please hurry! It's all right.
I've got you.
I've got you.
You're coming home with me.
You're safe now.
Release the bird! Release him! Come on! There! And fetch - Cheer up.
- What have I got to be cheery about? Well, we've got a visitor.
- Who are you? - No, not him.
- Him.
- It's Lardner.
Say hello.
You're joking? When you want something to disappear, the trick is to divert the audience's attention.
- We switched the birds.
- I happened to have a spare up my sleeve.
We should have attached your note to the decoy bird.
It would have just weighed him down.
Um yeah, speaking of decoy birds, is Marian all right with Gisborne? Yeah, she'll be fine.
She can look after herself.
Well, hey, do you want to do the honors? - At least we have some hope now.
- Yeah.
Thanks to Lardner.
Good luck, my friend.
Safe journey home.