Robot Chicken s05e08 Episode Script

No Country for Old Dogs

1 It's alive! Johnny 5 is alive! What will Johnny 5 do first? I'm thirsty! I'm hungry! I'm Batman.
The night my car careened off that Mississippi Highway and flipped into a ditch is a night I'll never forget.
To be fair, I don't remember much about the accident itself, 'cause I was banged up pretty bad.
There was much speculation as to what occurred on that unseasonably cold August night, but the most common thing I hear is, "Morgan Freeman, you've been in more than 75 feature-length films.
Why on God's green earth do you drive a 1997 Nissan Maxima?" And for that question, like all questions, there's more than one answer.
You see, a '97 Maxima represented a significant improvement over the previous year's model.
And compared to my '89 Ford Probe, well, it wasn't even a fair contest.
In 2002, there was a factory recall on the alternator, but I brought it right in, and they fixed it in a day or so.
They even gave me a loaner, a brand-new Altima.
Nice car, but it's certainly no Maxima.
Oh, oh, and that right there? That's the flip that should have killed me, but thanks to Nissan's five-star crash rating, along with dual air bags, crumple zone, seat-belt pre-tensioners, and side-door beams, well, I'm alive today.
I suppose the other noteworthy aspect of this story is I've been my own step-granddaughter.
It seems like a form of hysterical blindness.
Has he been through any traumatic events lately? Perhaps seen something that could have caused this? Not that I can think of.
I can't believe you gave up your powers for me.
Ilove you, Lois.
I don't know what to say.
I love you, Lana.
Superman, I missed you.
So, I come out of the booth all hunched and kind of woozy on my feet like this, like, "Oh, oh.
" And then bam! Boom! Kneel before my rod.
How about that, huh? I'm fast, player, but you the fastest.
Bam! Right up in that ass.
Oh, yeah! I-I can't believe you did that for me.
Ba-da-boop, ba-da-boop Superman.
Dad! It's okay if I call you dad, right, Mr.
Drummond? Of course.
Why would that make anyone uncomfortable? Dudley and I want to spend the afternoon at the bike shop.
All alone? I don't like it.
Please, dad? I'll do all my chores this week.
I'll be your slave.
Oh, now, Arnold, our relationship as father/son in no ways resembles the owner/slave dynamic of yesyou know what? Just go.
Bottoms up, boys.
I-I don't think my dad would like me drinking wine.
Arnold, I'm a middle-aged white man.
I automatically know what's best for you.
You do sound like Mr.
Arnold? Where have you been? Dad, I don't know what to do.
The Maytag Repairman is showing me naked cartoons.
I want you to listen very carefully.
What comes next is important.
He's going to ask you to play Tarzan, and Dudley's going to be into it.
The audience might laugh, but it's not funny.
They're just confused by the massive shift in tone.
What exactly are you getting at, dad? Aaaah! I don't know who you are.
I don't know what you want.
If you're looking for ransom, I can tell you I'm a man of means.
I probably shouldn't have told you that.
If you return my son, that will be the end of it.
But if you keep him, I will find you and I will awkwardly ask parents to have a frank discussion with their children about what they've just seen.
Good luck.
What do you want? Money? It's not much, but take it! Don't matter what you got! Not a lot?! So what?! And this is my sister, Rainbow Dim.
9/11 was an inside job.
Oh, sure it was.
Hey, do I know you? Not yet.
You want to get out of here? Absolutely.
Hey! You stole my kidney, didn't you? Oh, you got me.
I guess I'm the asshole.
Well, look at the mirror.
You? Well, good luck selling that kidney.
And when I looked outside, there on the door handle was a hook! And that's how I met your mother.
Condoms reduce the risk of pregnancy and STDs, but only when used properly.
Fruity fables Barry! Just where the H-E-C-letter-that-comes- after-J have you been? Oh, just out.
Oops! We talked about this, Barry.
Your sex-education job violates everything we believe in.
You don't understand.
God came to me in a dream.
Barry, you must continue teaching sex education! But, God, Arthur says sex ed is evil.
Arthur can eat my ass.
What is the most evil thing in the world? Abortions? What leads to abortions? Pregnancy? What prevents pregnancy? Holy crap! Condoms prevent pregnancy! Damn it, Barry! Opposing sex ed is way more important than abortions.
What?! I don't care if there's a billion abortions.
I just can't stand the thought of teenagers doing it.
Those taut, firm bodies exploring one another with the kind of excitement that I'll never experience again in my life.
And even if I try to recapture my youth with a willingmind you, willingteenage participant, I go to prison?! You know what they do in prison, Barry? There's a thing called salad tossing.
Well, I'm not going to prison, Barry.
I'm not going to prison! Attica! Attica! Arthur! Let's go have sex, baby.
Oh, no.
I'm sorry, Jesus.
Fruity fables These Americans butcher my men like well, like I butcher der jews.
Did they mark you? Yes, Mein Fuehrer.
Let me see.
What the hell is this supposed to be, a swastika? I think it's the glaive from "Krull.
" Reaterdz! I'm putting together a special team.
The Nazis are rounding up, killing, and sterilizing the mentally disabled.
Each of you owe me 50 pieces of Nazi candy, and I want my candy.
Sound good? Mein god, Leni Riefenstahl has really let herself go.
Get out of the Tards, tards, tards, tards! Mein Fuehrer, I know we're exterminating their kind from the face of the earth, but the preferred term is Tell me your troop positions.
I respectfully refuse.
Give me candy.
I respectdid you just ask for candy? I might have You're too slow.
Send in the bear.
Oh, thank goodness.
It is a bear like a bear hug, not like the bare-naked jew who will rape Aaaah! So, who are your three handsome escorts, Frauelein? Why, they're just three friends of mine, Col.
Nice to meet you.
Oh, Italians.
Right this way.
Tonight's movie will be "Radio," starring Cuba Gooding Jr.
Wh-where is my pie? You want strawberry pie or apple pie? I want b-b-b-b I want b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b I want b-b-b-b-b What in the b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b I want b-b-both of them.
Enough is enough.
I have had it with this "Radio" bull Turn off the movie! Stop the projector! You hate "Radio," too? With every fiber of mein being, Mein Italian fr Mongo, we did it! To think, my needlessly complicated plan to kill him with a showing of "Radio" failed, and yet still, Hitler You killed my best friend! That's our cue.
We weren't the ones teaching radio.
Radio is the one been teaching us.