Robot Chicken s09e03 Episode Script

Things Look Bad for the Streepster

1 [Whirring] [Theme music plays] [Whirring] Man: It's alive! [Thunder rumbles] - [Giggles] You do it! - No, you do it! Okay, okay, shh.
Oh, my God! [Laughs] Oh, my God! We are so bad! [Music] [Squeaky video game-style speech] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Whirring] [Warble!] [Zap!] [Whoosh!] Announcer: Three, two, one Go! [Music] Eat my hot Italian sausage! [Roars] Now that's a spicy burn! [Warble!] What the fuck are we doing here? [Groans] - Get her! - It's not fair! [Indistinct shouting] [Tires screech] Wah! Hop on kid! [Engine revs] Don't thank Wario yet! Wah! Daniel, meet King Friday's niece.
- I'm Tina, and I'm 6 years old.
- Tina, if you're my age, why do you look like a grown-up woman lady? - I started developing when I was 4.
- Well, that's how old I am.
How come I don't have lady balloons? Well, Daniel, Tina has something called precocious puberty.
Everybody's gonna grow that's a fact that we all know There's no shame in letting nature have its way Hormones in us cause these surges We get pubes, we get urges And it's beautiful, no matter what they say Most are changing 'round 13 That's the average and the mean Unless you've got precocious puberty - Okay but - # Could be hormones in our food # Could be nature being rude No one knows what causes this calamity Yes, Tina's got precocious puberty Boys and girls as young as 4 - # Growing breasts and shaggy floors # - Got it dude.
Am I gonna get p-p-precosis prububerty? Well, it's very rare in tigers, son.
Wait, aren't tigers usually fully grown at Daniel's age? Yes, that's true, but Daniel's got - # Dwarfism, dwarfism # - Whaaa The new iPhone is better than ever and available now on the America's largest digital network.
Bitch Puddin': Damn! [Record scratches] Who put a blue shirt on a big pile of shit? - Oh, no, that's just Lily.
- Um, who are you? Didn't I introduce myself? Mother fuckin' Bitch mother fuckin' Puddin', y'all! [Farts] Oh, my gosh.
Please leave the store.
Fuck nah cum chugger.
Let me explain this shiz.
"Robot Chicken" is owned by Adult Swim, which is owned by Time Warner which is now owned by, dun-da-na-na, your company.
Which makes you and me co-workers cunt face.
- Blam! - If that's true, you're making a terrible first impression on the people who sign your paychecks.
I never thought about it that way.
You're right cunt face.
- Now, with our new data plan - Blam! - What the - I never learn shit! Ho.
- It's my job to freeze you.
- Okay, that's your job, - but what's your passion? - To dance! [Laughs] [Music] Paul and Sarah, ready to go inside the video game and battle Zomax in the wizard level? Inside the video game?! The technology does exist! [Laughs] Hands on buzzers.
- What was the video game that - Yoshi's Island.
[Ding!] - This early Atari - Pong.
[Ding!] - She was the titular character - Mayim Bialik.
[Ding!] He's not even letting me hear the questions.
Good Burger.
Alf.
The Challenger explosion.
- Fuck this.
- You know what that means.
Red Team, you're going into the video game! Oh fuck yes! I win! What the hell is this? Digitize me.
I want to meet Sonic! Uh-oh, here come the snakes! Uh, what snakes? This is just a green room.
Fireballs! Watch out! What? There's no f Ow! Ow! - Ow! Why is this like this? - Time's almost up.
Better climb up that ladder and vanquish Zomax.
Hey, Zomax.
You're going down! - Push him off that platform! - Uh no.
Destroy Zomax and win! [Laughs] I don't want I don't want to Okay, I'm sorry! [Hoots] [Dramatic music] You won a free dinner at Ponderosa Steakhouse! - Wow! - No sides.
Aw.
[British accent] Madame, have no fear.
I shall solve your husband's murder.
I think I figured it out.
'Twas a sex game gone wrong! [Dramatic sting plays] Yeah! Don't tell my wife.
Choke me, baby! Harder.
Yeah! Let's get dangerous! Ha-ha! Careful, baby, one wrong move and [Dramatic sting plays] - Elementary, my dear.
- Thank you, kind sir.
Now I know the truth, but I'm afraid I have no money to pay you for your services.
Well, I'm sure we can work something out.
Yes, yes, oh, just like that.
- Oh, the danger makes it so - Eh, yeah, okay.
Harp seal with a harpsichord [Plays piano] It's a Harp seal with a harpsichord It's a Harp seal with a harpsichord Announcer: Karen wanted to grow up a little too fast.
I hate being 13! Announcer: Until she wished on an old Civil War coin Let me be a grown-up already.
Announcer: and woke up 30 years later.
Oh, my God.
I have boobs.
I have a house.
- I have a bestie! - Mom, I'm gonna be late for school! Announcer: But she's about to find out life as a grown-up isn't all it's cracked up to be I miss being a kid.
Announcer: and get a second chance to be young.
You have no idea what it's like to be a kid! That's all I know, you idiot! I'd give anything to be your age again.
[Sparkle!] But what if the thing you really wanted [Both groaning] was the thing you got the first time you made a wish Oh, hell yes! I'm in my daughter's body.
Announcer: and then traded it away with your second wish I just woke up spooned by Dad's half-chub! Give me back my body, you succubus bitch! Go to hell, cutter.
I'm gonna live forever! but wished for again the third time around, and Holy shit! This is fuckin' confusing, guys.
Karen: I wish I were big enough to beat up my dickhead goth daughter.
What am I?! Announcer: From the network that brought you "The Wiz Live" and something vaguely resembling "Peter Pan" comes another live Broadway on TV experience.
Yes, it's the sights, sounds, and smells of Andrew Lloyd Webber's "Cats" in your home! On broadcast night, thousands of performers will be disbursed through the sewers, climb up through your pipes, and into your hearts! It's midnight I am dying at midnight I'm old Deuteronomy I dump with econom Oh, God, my eyes! I'm the Rum Tum Tugger, what you think about Ah! Good news and bad news.
"Cats Live" got the biggest ratings in history, however, we've got over 273,000 dead and maimed "Cats" performers.
That's almost everyone who's ever performed in that musical.
What's the bad news? My hedges! Shoo! Shoo! You get away from my hedges! [Music] Sorry, guys.
I'm just not feeling it today.
Wow, Jabberjaw.
Maybe all our late-night gigs are getting to you.
What you need is a vacation.
But what about the band? We got gigs! Don't worry, buddy.
Take a few days, find a nice resort, and chill.
You aren't using this as an excuse to find another drummer, are you? [Laughter] Oh, boy! Relaxation, here I come! Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.
Hey, friend, can you tell me Hey! Not even a sharkly hello? No respect, no respect at all! Ooh, free chum! Don't mind if I do.
Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.
Hello.
A go-go dancer in a cage! Good thing I brought plenty of singles! Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.
Oh, no, he's trapped! Never fear, Jabberjaw is here! Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.
What Not even a thank you? I tell you, I get no respect.
[Screams] - That's a 20-footer.
- 25! 3 tons of No, wait, he appears to be 15 feet at best.
My mistake.
Hey, what's the big idea shooting barrels at - Oh, no, look out! - [Screams] Shark BJ! [Laughs] No way! I'm straight.
Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk.
Oh, dear.
He's not moving, is he? Ohhhh, yikes.
Oh, I'll get the chair for this for sure! Unless No witnesses! Smile you son of a [Boom] That shark left a shit-ton of singles! It's weird how Jabberjaw never came back.
Should we look for him? What? No.
He was a crappy drummer anyway.
Count us off, Bruce! [Growling] [Music] Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk - Ba-gawk! - Bawk.