Robot Chicken s09e19 Episode Script
Hi
1 [Whirring.]
[Theme music plays.]
[Whirring.]
Man: It's alive! [Thunder rumbles.]
And spli-i-i-t.
Ah! This is gonna make a fantastic commercial, Jean-Claude.
- Just hold that pose.
- I can do this all day.
My pubic muscles, they are strong.
- What the Ohhh! - What the hell was that giraffe - doing there?! Are you okay?! - I am a professional.
Ahh! My testes! Are you driving through a zoo of only giraffe? Ahh.
Whuh! Aaaah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! - Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! - Call the paramedics! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Agggh! Who knew it would be giraffes, what defeated Jean-Claude? [Thud-thud.]
Stop, stop! Eh! [Splat!.]
[Muffled scream.]
- Let me down! - Orrrrrh! Yeeerahhhhvvv! Ohhhhhhh! [Tranquil tune plays.]
Volvo.
Are you ready to face judgment for your crimes, Funko Saddam Hussein? You are cowards! It is you who will be punished! [Spits.]
Die, then.
Oh-oh! Ah! [Laughing.]
How could we not have known this would happen? You're stupid! [Jaunty tune plays.]
[Warbling.]
[Laughing.]
[Glass breaks.]
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha ha ha! [Speaking Japanese.]
[Giggling.]
Hey, Kim.
What's the capital of Montana? Idon't know.
You got slimed because [laughs.]
you said, "I don't know!" Aah! Oh! [Laughter.]
[Machine gun fire.]
Nobody move.
The two girls, they're coming with us.
- Oh! - Where's the other one? I don't know.
Aah! What is it?! [crying.]
Dad, I am really scared.
Honey, you're going to be taken.
Leave the phone and tell me everything you see.
- Agh-agh! - Aaaaah! [Breathing heavily, sniffing.]
Listen to me closely.
I don't know who you Agh! Blech! Anyway, as I was saying I don't know who you Agh! Goddamn it! - Where's that coming from?! - Where is what coming from? Slime! It seems like it's right above me, but I-I don't know Aw, come on! Listen closely: I don't know who you are, and I don't know what you wa Aaaah! [Muffled mumbling.]
Sli-i-me! Agh! Anyway, I don't have ransom money.
But what I do have is a very particular set of skills and, as of very recently, a shit ton of slime, so, you know, what's your your call? Hmm.
I don't know.
Oh! Okay, yeah.
The slime thing is really a bitch.
Oh, it's crazy, right? Oh, I wish I had some water.
Agh! Oh, my hardwood floor's going to warp! Property value has been taken! [Ominous chord strikes.]
Okay, Miss, I-I'll surely send you that picture.
Bye-bye, now.
[Beep.]
Ooh, yeah.
[laughing.]
Oh, Jiminy Cricket, haven't seen you in ages! Well, you're 18, Pinocchio, and you've been a good boy.
Until now.
You were about to send a photograph of your woodie to a girl on Bumble.
But, Jiminy, that's how everyone is dating these days.
Look, there's 4,000 girls in a mile radius that are DTF right now.
The Internet's the new carnival full of temptation, but anytime you need my help, just blow this air horn.
- What, like this? Baa, baa, baa! - That's it! Before you snap a picture of your penis and upload Give a tiny [toot.]
Before a ho you don't know gives your pic a low blow Give a little [toot.]
If a lady you romance drops her pants and is a man Give me the double [toot-toot.]
And I'll come soon as I can Yes, if a weirdo dude on Craigslist Wants a new sex toy Blast a triple [toot-toot-toot.]
And always let good judgment be your boy Thanks for reminding me to be the best I can be! Well, that's what I'm here for, Pinoc.
Take care! [Blast-blast-blast.]
- Oh! Hello, Jiminy.
- What the? I just left two seconds ago! I need your help, Jiminy.
Can I borrow $32,000? I'll bet you some strangers took your friend Will.
Betcha he's upside down, sucking all the stranger's things.
You're dead, Wheeler! [All gasp.]
I-I can't move my body.
Aaah! Ahhh! - Dude, Troy's peeing his pants! - Eleven, what are you doing? [Laughter.]
Dude, look at his tattoo! It says "The Holocaust isn't real".
What? I don't have a tattoo.
[Sinister music plays.]
Oh! Mom?! How did you get here? Whoa-oa! Why am I dancing like a stripper? Dude, Troy's mom is working the pole.
Okay, Eleven.
[Resonating.]
Oh! Oh, my God.
Troy! Is that you?! We're Amanda and Julian, your birth parents.
- I'm adopted?! - I didn't want you - Yeah-eah! - to find out this way! - Okay, Eleven, stop! - Why are all these donkeys here? - Dude, all the donkeys have boners! - Eleven! Uh-oh! This calls for Wonder Woman! Cindy, what the hell are you doing? Ha ha! I'm so [bleep.]
wasted right now! [Vomits.]
Ohh! I want a golden goose, okay? How much? President Trump, they're not for sale.
[Whimsical music.]
But I want one! Now! I want a Trump goose as my new White House pet [Screeching.]
Anything you say, sir.
The new national bird Just say the word And have you heard? I want a wall! - Trump Tower has walls.
- I want a border wall Oh, no, not this again.
Cement and a line of barbed wire They can't climb to keep out that brown crime today [Music continues.]
I want a ban I want a travel ban No one but nice whites arriving on safe flights If your skin's light, you'll have rights Gimme it all today I want the Earth! [Thudding.]
We'll call it Trump's Earth We'll make so much profit, it will make you vomit If things go south, I'll bomb it I wanna have it Like [bleep.]
I'll grab it [Squeak-squeak.]
And then I will stab it [Wails.]
Today Mr.
President, be careful.
People are looking for a reason to get rid of you.
[Laughs.]
It won't be today! It won't be tomorrow If I get attacked, I'll tweet things to distract Won't matter if they are fact - I'm President, wow - Agh! No one knows how [whispering.]
It's thanks to Moscow But I'm making a vow And I'm taking it all right now I mean, today - Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! - I did it! Ha ha! - Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! - I finally stood up to him! [Toot-toot.]
Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! Anything to add, Vlad? - Give me goose, or I poison you.
- Ooh! [Urinating in spurts.]
Hey, bro, can I have your dick? It happens every season on "Robot Chicken" and never wears thin: the writers make unwanted cameos, the show is cancelled, and college dropouts everywhere finish their blunts and return to their Cool Ranch Doritos and POV pornography.
But, this time, the rambunctious [Gunshots.]
tycoon president of Adult Swim, home of hit shows, such as "Family Guy" reruns and "BoJack Horseman," has thrown down a shocking, well [Cackling.]
Yee-haw! I'll renew "Robot Chicken" for another season, if, and only if, they can jump a motorcycle over the Grand Canyon! [Cackling.]
Good luck with that, boys! And the big day has finally arrived.
Now, let's find out which brave soul will undertake the death-defying jump to save Finland's second-favorite 11-minute stop-motion program.
[Poignant tune plays.]
[Thumping.]
Wait! [Needle scratches record.]
[Grunting.]
Enhh! [panting.]
[Whoosh.]
[Triumphant music plays.]
Like it or not, I best represent our target audience.
It's true.
You should You should stop lying to yourself.
And this is my one shot at glory in a lifetime of disappointment.
I I will jump the Springfield Gorge.
I mean, the Grand Canyon! Yeah, whoo-hoo-hoo! Ooh! Sorry, Mom's washing machine.
Looks like there's a new vibrating girlfriend in my life.
[Clucking.]
You got it, Chicken.
Let's see.
I watched a YouTube video about how motorcycles worked, but then I got distracted by POV tentacle porn, so I don't re - [Engine revving.]
Aah! - There he goes! Wait.
Did he say something about tentacle porn? Oh, my gosh! I'm gonna be famous! [Suspenseful music.]
[Whirs.]
I had the power inside me the whole time! Oh, ye-e-e-eah, bo-o-o-y! The girls at school are gonna think I rule! Air splits! [All gasp.]
Headstand! [Flapping.]
Don't we go to school with that guy? Uh, gross.
His penis looks like a fleshy croissant.
- Um, it's kwah-sahn.
- Ugh.
Whatever.
Guys, [bleep.]
this.
Let's go sit on the washing machine.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
All: Foursome! [Music.]
[Tires screech.]
He did it! He did it! "Robot Chicken" is renewed! I did it [Explosion.]
[Clatter.]
[Flames crackling.]
[Whirring.]
[Sharp cry.]
[Clanking.]
[Screeching.]
[Melancholy tune plays.]
[sobbing.]
I can't believe our little boy is gone! Oh! [gasp.]
But I'm happy to see he had so many dear friends.
Uh, no, this is the funeral for the taco-truck guy your son murdered.
The funeral for your kid is over there.
[Thudding.]
We should've sprung for a coffin, huh? - Probably.
- A season finale with a motorcycle? I invented that.
I'm head writer Douglas Goldstein.
I see you're down a child.
- I can help you with that.
- I'm in mourning.
And well past menopause, but - Okay! Whoo! - Honey, what are you? [Engine revving.]
How rude! Wait! There's no road! Where we're going, we don't need roads.
Oh, God! We needed roads! [Explosion, glass shattering.]
[Metal spinning, clattering.]
We should really fire that guy.
Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk - Ba-gawk! - Bawk.
[Theme music plays.]
[Whirring.]
Man: It's alive! [Thunder rumbles.]
And spli-i-i-t.
Ah! This is gonna make a fantastic commercial, Jean-Claude.
- Just hold that pose.
- I can do this all day.
My pubic muscles, they are strong.
- What the Ohhh! - What the hell was that giraffe - doing there?! Are you okay?! - I am a professional.
Ahh! My testes! Are you driving through a zoo of only giraffe? Ahh.
Whuh! Aaaah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! - Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! - Call the paramedics! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Agggh! Who knew it would be giraffes, what defeated Jean-Claude? [Thud-thud.]
Stop, stop! Eh! [Splat!.]
[Muffled scream.]
- Let me down! - Orrrrrh! Yeeerahhhhvvv! Ohhhhhhh! [Tranquil tune plays.]
Volvo.
Are you ready to face judgment for your crimes, Funko Saddam Hussein? You are cowards! It is you who will be punished! [Spits.]
Die, then.
Oh-oh! Ah! [Laughing.]
How could we not have known this would happen? You're stupid! [Jaunty tune plays.]
[Warbling.]
[Laughing.]
[Glass breaks.]
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha ha ha! [Speaking Japanese.]
[Giggling.]
Hey, Kim.
What's the capital of Montana? Idon't know.
You got slimed because [laughs.]
you said, "I don't know!" Aah! Oh! [Laughter.]
[Machine gun fire.]
Nobody move.
The two girls, they're coming with us.
- Oh! - Where's the other one? I don't know.
Aah! What is it?! [crying.]
Dad, I am really scared.
Honey, you're going to be taken.
Leave the phone and tell me everything you see.
- Agh-agh! - Aaaaah! [Breathing heavily, sniffing.]
Listen to me closely.
I don't know who you Agh! Blech! Anyway, as I was saying I don't know who you Agh! Goddamn it! - Where's that coming from?! - Where is what coming from? Slime! It seems like it's right above me, but I-I don't know Aw, come on! Listen closely: I don't know who you are, and I don't know what you wa Aaaah! [Muffled mumbling.]
Sli-i-me! Agh! Anyway, I don't have ransom money.
But what I do have is a very particular set of skills and, as of very recently, a shit ton of slime, so, you know, what's your your call? Hmm.
I don't know.
Oh! Okay, yeah.
The slime thing is really a bitch.
Oh, it's crazy, right? Oh, I wish I had some water.
Agh! Oh, my hardwood floor's going to warp! Property value has been taken! [Ominous chord strikes.]
Okay, Miss, I-I'll surely send you that picture.
Bye-bye, now.
[Beep.]
Ooh, yeah.
[laughing.]
Oh, Jiminy Cricket, haven't seen you in ages! Well, you're 18, Pinocchio, and you've been a good boy.
Until now.
You were about to send a photograph of your woodie to a girl on Bumble.
But, Jiminy, that's how everyone is dating these days.
Look, there's 4,000 girls in a mile radius that are DTF right now.
The Internet's the new carnival full of temptation, but anytime you need my help, just blow this air horn.
- What, like this? Baa, baa, baa! - That's it! Before you snap a picture of your penis and upload Give a tiny [toot.]
Before a ho you don't know gives your pic a low blow Give a little [toot.]
If a lady you romance drops her pants and is a man Give me the double [toot-toot.]
And I'll come soon as I can Yes, if a weirdo dude on Craigslist Wants a new sex toy Blast a triple [toot-toot-toot.]
And always let good judgment be your boy Thanks for reminding me to be the best I can be! Well, that's what I'm here for, Pinoc.
Take care! [Blast-blast-blast.]
- Oh! Hello, Jiminy.
- What the? I just left two seconds ago! I need your help, Jiminy.
Can I borrow $32,000? I'll bet you some strangers took your friend Will.
Betcha he's upside down, sucking all the stranger's things.
You're dead, Wheeler! [All gasp.]
I-I can't move my body.
Aaah! Ahhh! - Dude, Troy's peeing his pants! - Eleven, what are you doing? [Laughter.]
Dude, look at his tattoo! It says "The Holocaust isn't real".
What? I don't have a tattoo.
[Sinister music plays.]
Oh! Mom?! How did you get here? Whoa-oa! Why am I dancing like a stripper? Dude, Troy's mom is working the pole.
Okay, Eleven.
[Resonating.]
Oh! Oh, my God.
Troy! Is that you?! We're Amanda and Julian, your birth parents.
- I'm adopted?! - I didn't want you - Yeah-eah! - to find out this way! - Okay, Eleven, stop! - Why are all these donkeys here? - Dude, all the donkeys have boners! - Eleven! Uh-oh! This calls for Wonder Woman! Cindy, what the hell are you doing? Ha ha! I'm so [bleep.]
wasted right now! [Vomits.]
Ohh! I want a golden goose, okay? How much? President Trump, they're not for sale.
[Whimsical music.]
But I want one! Now! I want a Trump goose as my new White House pet [Screeching.]
Anything you say, sir.
The new national bird Just say the word And have you heard? I want a wall! - Trump Tower has walls.
- I want a border wall Oh, no, not this again.
Cement and a line of barbed wire They can't climb to keep out that brown crime today [Music continues.]
I want a ban I want a travel ban No one but nice whites arriving on safe flights If your skin's light, you'll have rights Gimme it all today I want the Earth! [Thudding.]
We'll call it Trump's Earth We'll make so much profit, it will make you vomit If things go south, I'll bomb it I wanna have it Like [bleep.]
I'll grab it [Squeak-squeak.]
And then I will stab it [Wails.]
Today Mr.
President, be careful.
People are looking for a reason to get rid of you.
[Laughs.]
It won't be today! It won't be tomorrow If I get attacked, I'll tweet things to distract Won't matter if they are fact - I'm President, wow - Agh! No one knows how [whispering.]
It's thanks to Moscow But I'm making a vow And I'm taking it all right now I mean, today - Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! - I did it! Ha ha! - Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! - I finally stood up to him! [Toot-toot.]
Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! Anything to add, Vlad? - Give me goose, or I poison you.
- Ooh! [Urinating in spurts.]
Hey, bro, can I have your dick? It happens every season on "Robot Chicken" and never wears thin: the writers make unwanted cameos, the show is cancelled, and college dropouts everywhere finish their blunts and return to their Cool Ranch Doritos and POV pornography.
But, this time, the rambunctious [Gunshots.]
tycoon president of Adult Swim, home of hit shows, such as "Family Guy" reruns and "BoJack Horseman," has thrown down a shocking, well [Cackling.]
Yee-haw! I'll renew "Robot Chicken" for another season, if, and only if, they can jump a motorcycle over the Grand Canyon! [Cackling.]
Good luck with that, boys! And the big day has finally arrived.
Now, let's find out which brave soul will undertake the death-defying jump to save Finland's second-favorite 11-minute stop-motion program.
[Poignant tune plays.]
[Thumping.]
Wait! [Needle scratches record.]
[Grunting.]
Enhh! [panting.]
[Whoosh.]
[Triumphant music plays.]
Like it or not, I best represent our target audience.
It's true.
You should You should stop lying to yourself.
And this is my one shot at glory in a lifetime of disappointment.
I I will jump the Springfield Gorge.
I mean, the Grand Canyon! Yeah, whoo-hoo-hoo! Ooh! Sorry, Mom's washing machine.
Looks like there's a new vibrating girlfriend in my life.
[Clucking.]
You got it, Chicken.
Let's see.
I watched a YouTube video about how motorcycles worked, but then I got distracted by POV tentacle porn, so I don't re - [Engine revving.]
Aah! - There he goes! Wait.
Did he say something about tentacle porn? Oh, my gosh! I'm gonna be famous! [Suspenseful music.]
[Whirs.]
I had the power inside me the whole time! Oh, ye-e-e-eah, bo-o-o-y! The girls at school are gonna think I rule! Air splits! [All gasp.]
Headstand! [Flapping.]
Don't we go to school with that guy? Uh, gross.
His penis looks like a fleshy croissant.
- Um, it's kwah-sahn.
- Ugh.
Whatever.
Guys, [bleep.]
this.
Let's go sit on the washing machine.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
All: Foursome! [Music.]
[Tires screech.]
He did it! He did it! "Robot Chicken" is renewed! I did it [Explosion.]
[Clatter.]
[Flames crackling.]
[Whirring.]
[Sharp cry.]
[Clanking.]
[Screeching.]
[Melancholy tune plays.]
[sobbing.]
I can't believe our little boy is gone! Oh! [gasp.]
But I'm happy to see he had so many dear friends.
Uh, no, this is the funeral for the taco-truck guy your son murdered.
The funeral for your kid is over there.
[Thudding.]
We should've sprung for a coffin, huh? - Probably.
- A season finale with a motorcycle? I invented that.
I'm head writer Douglas Goldstein.
I see you're down a child.
- I can help you with that.
- I'm in mourning.
And well past menopause, but - Okay! Whoo! - Honey, what are you? [Engine revving.]
How rude! Wait! There's no road! Where we're going, we don't need roads.
Oh, God! We needed roads! [Explosion, glass shattering.]
[Metal spinning, clattering.]
We should really fire that guy.
Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk - Ba-gawk! - Bawk.