Roseanne s05e14 Episode Script

[D.
J.
.]
mom! Mom, you have to sign my math test.
No, not right now, D.
J.
She said by tomorrow.
God! Hasn't Darlene taught you to forge my signature yet? Okay, there.
I got a D.
Yeah, I know.
I'm sure you tried your best.
Jeez, i'm sorry, okay? It was one time.
Gimme a break.
D.
J.
, I gotta drive aunt Jackie somewhere.
So I want you to go next door over to the tildens' and stay there, And then when I get back, if you want, I'll yell at you, okay? Okay.
Darlene! This is weird.
I hate going to the emergency room.
It reminds me of the pussy willow.
Remember the pussy willow, Roseanne? All I said was I wondered if it could fit up your nose.
You're the one that crammed it up there.
Well, it was still a really mean thing to do.
I tried to get it out, didn't I? Yeah.
But you used a stick.
Is everything okay? Jackie, could you go start the car? I've gotta get my coat.
Yeah.
Here, take this chicken, too.
We got barbeque sauce in the glove box.
What's going on? I'm taking aunt Jackie to the hospital.
Fisher hit her, didn't he? I'm not supposed to tell you that.
Yeah, he did.
And now I need you to do me a favor.
Okay.
OkayWe need milk.
And on your way, could you swing by the jail And bail out your dad? What? [laughs.]
True grit.
Huh? Here, man, you can have it.
I was just-- I don't want any problems.
Hey, Dan.
Sorry it took so long.
They didn't have any curly fries, So I just got the regular.
Hope that's okay.
Thanks, buddy.
You know, everybody feels pretty bad about you, uh Having to be in here and all.
Yeah, I know.
Thanks.
I appreciate the extra care you showed when you frisked me.
Someone's here, Dan.
Says they know you.
Finally.
I'll go get started on the paperwork.
Well, well, well.
Oh, man! My, my, my, my, my.
What are you doing here? You know, i'll bet when you imagined us in this situation, You always pictured yourself on the other side of those bars.
Where's your mom? Organizing the candlelight vigil.
Come on, Darlene.
I don't have time for this.
Oh, I think you do.
She took aunt Jackie to the hospital, So i'm here to post bail.
But i'm a minor, so that means I have to give the money to the suspect Which I guess would be you.
Give me the money.
All right, but I want you to know It's coming out of your allowance.
Now! Prison's hardened you.
Okay, now get in there and tell Ray to let me out of here.
Okay.
By the way, dad, I think it was a really cool thing that you did.
Thanks.
I guess I should prepare you for all the things that have changed Since you've been in the big house.
Mom says we have a new daddy now.
Morning.
Where is everybody? Mom went to the supermarket And jackie's still sleeping.
The doctor gave her something to knock her out.
What about D.
J.
? I tried, but he wouldn't swallow the pill.
Yoo-hoo! Hey, Crystal.
I came over as soon as I heard the news.
For my favorite inmate.
It's a cupcake with a nail file baked in it.
Get it? Yes, Crystal, I understand.
Boy, this really takes me back.
There's a lot you don't know about your father, Darlene.
Before he became a responsible family man, He was quite the barroom brawler.
Yeah, didn't you also used to design dresses under the name "Coco"? [doorbell rings.]
i'll get it.
So, Dan, word has it on the street You and Fisher got in a fight over a poker game.
What did he do, cheat ya? Yeah, Crystal, that's exactly what happened.
Hey! Jailbird! So when's visiting hours? What is this, mayberry? Dan, we brought you a little something To help wile away those lonely hours in the slammer.
Hit it, Chuck.
[harmonica.]
So what's the story, man? I heard you took out three guys in a bowling alley.
I thought it was a poker game.
Well, Dan, according to the people at buy & bag, You went on a drunken rampage, Beat up six guys, and took out a pay phone.
Hey, Roseanne.
We heard about dan's little adventure.
You know, everybody's talking about it.
Mm-hmm.
Well People have been saying it for years.
But now, with Dan going to jail and everything, We are officially poor white trash.
[harmonica.]
Now all we need is some little half-wit Sitting in the front yard eating dirt.
Hi! Shut up, Darlene.
Hey, Jackie.
Man, what'd they give me? Whoa! Has the living room always been downstairs? Now, don't you be too hard on Dan.
The boys will make up, And Fisher won't even remember what Dan did to him.
Huh? Dan beat up Fisher? What? Dan, can I talk to you? Jackie-- in the bedroom, now.
So what'd you do, Dan? You went over there and beat him up, didn't you? Only his face.
Oh! Dan! What the hell were you thinking? You think you can go over there Like some neanderthal that's gonna fix everything? You had no right to do that.
No right at all.
You stupid jackass.
I swear, Jackie, I just went over there to scare him a little bit And things got out of control.
Everything is out of control now.
It was really sweet of you to go over there and act like a big jerk! How--how could you do something that stupid and immature For me? Uh, i'm sorry, Jackie, really.
It's just really humiliating, though.
You know, because roseanne's always handling my problems, And now you.
Well, it's a big job.
We had to expand the department.
Well, you're both fired.
It's just that now everybody in town Is gonna be talking about this.
Hey, listen As far as everybody's concerned, Fisher is just one of a zillion guys I beat up last night.
Besides, people got better things to talk about Than what goes on in our lives.
Dad, the paper's on the phone.
They need a picture to run with the article.
Should I send the one of you dressed as baby new year Or do you just want them to use your mug shot? [doorbell rings.]
I'm coming.
I'm coming.
Yeah? Oh, I thought Mrs.
Conner was gonna be here.
I'll come back later.
That's okay.
What do you need? I'm here to collect for the paper.
Didn't we just pay that? Don't hit me.
No, no, really-- No, that's okay.
I'll come back later.
I'll be waitin' for ya! Dad, if kids are supposed to tell parents the truth, How come parents don't always tell kids the truth? [sighs.]
sit down, pal.
I guess you probably heard in school that I was in jail.
And you're right, I should have told you.
But sometimes See, stuff happens, And your mom and I want to protect you from it.
But you're right.
I shoulda been honest with you.
You were in jail? You didn't know? What's all this stuff about parents telling the truth? I was just asking.
Well, I hope I answered your question.
Why'd you go to jail? You see, Deej, what happened was I lost my temper and I hit somebody, And hitting somebody's a very bad thing.
Who'd you hit? It's not important who I hit.
Yes, it is, or you'd tell me.
It was Fisher.
Why'd you hit him? 'cause he was mean to your aunt Jackie In a way that's much different From the way your mom and grandma are mean to her.
What'd he do? He hit her, Deej.
So what I did was sort of okay, 'cause the worst thing you can ever do is hit a woman.
How come you're not supposed to hit girls But it's okay to hit guys? Well, you see, Deej-- Rosie! UmUh Okay, here's the deal.
It's not okay to beat up anybody.
It's never okay to beat up women.
But sometimes it's less not okay to beat up somebody Who beats up somebody you love.
What if a woman beats up somebody you love? Are you at all interested in hearing where babies come from? Hi, Roseanne.
Hi.
Yeah.
Moving day.
Well, I got some tape and some rope, So that takes care of Fisher.
Uh, I wonder what we need to pack with.
I'm just gonna grab some breakfast first.
Okay, well, hurry up.
We gotta get going.
I left a message on your scum-sucking ex-boyfriend's machine That he better not bring his bony ass over to that apartment While we're moving you out, Or else i'm gonna bash his skull in.
Only I said it mean.
Um, this isn't gonna work.
You know, these boxes are too big.
'cause I need small boxes For my breakables and stuff.
I can't move without small boxes.
Well, Jackie, we'll be extra careful With your priceless collection of nfl juice glasses.
Sorry.
I just don't want my breakables to get broken.
I need small boxes.
God, take a pill.
We'll manage.
Maybe this just isn't the best day to do this, You know, 'cause of the boxes and everything.
Well, Jackie, we can get more boxes.
I will whore myself in every grocery store in this town If that's what it takes, okay? Look, everything's just moving too damn fast.
Where you going with this? I don't know.
It's just that yesterday I was in love with Fisher, and today, boom, i'm just supposed to stop? You got, Jackie.
Boom! Just like that.
Well, i'm sorry, but I happen to believe That maybe there is a chance, That he just might need some counseling or something.
I can't believe you.
You're all the time making excuses For people that treat you like crap.
God, you are the most gutless, pathetic thing i've ever seen.
I know you're just saying that 'cause you're worried about me.
See? There you go again.
I'm being totally insensitive, And you're making excuses for me.
God, you're such an idiot.
Why are you attacking me? Because i'm sick of hearing this from you.
It's the same crap you used to say about dad when we were kids.
It's not the same thing! It is too the same thing.
You can't have a decent relationship Because you're still looking for the same kind of relationship That we had as kids with dad.
What about you? You grew up in the same house? Hey, I didn't say I was healthy.
Obviously, I have some unresolved anger.
We're so aware.
You know, it's really easy to see things clearly When you've been married 20 years to a guy like Dan.
Hey, I lucked out.
I had lots of boyfriends before Dan that treated me like crap, And I kept on going back because I didn't think I deserved any better.
But I learned my lesson, and you didn't.
You are an amazing and wonderful person, Roseanne.
I wish we could all be like you.
I wish we could all be a happily married couple Who each weighs All right, fine.
I'll tell you what.
If you can go to a mirror And look at those bruises all over your back And then tell me that you still want to go back to Fisher, Well, i'll get in my car and i'll drive you over there to him myself.
No, you wouldn't.
Okay, I lied.
You're right.
God, do you know how much time we could save If you could just keep that in your mind as a given? [chuckles.]
it is so obvious.
Anybody with this many self-help books Has got to be a very troubled person.
Here.
Gimme 'em.
I'll put 'em in there with your cookbooks.
Well, I think I about got everything.
Have you got a cord for this? That's not mine.
That's fisher's.
[crash.]
Hey, what about this? Is this yours? That's mine.
Damn.
You got anything else? Uh, I just got a few clothes in the bedroom.
Okay, i'll go in there and get 'em, And then we can burn the bed.
Hey.
What the hell are you doing here? I want-- I wanna talk to you.
Roseanne's in the bedroom.
Get out of here.
I was worried about you.
Are you okay? Yes.
I'll be all right.
Jackie, what can I do to show you how sorry I am? Well, getting my brother-in-law arrested was a really good start.
Look, I already dropped the charges.
I was angry.
I was confused.
The neighbors called the police.
I didn't know what to do.
You look terrible.
Thanks.
Jackie You remember how great things were when you moved in? Let's not throw all that away.
Don't you think I want things back to normal? I thought I was gonna move in here.
I thought we were gonna get married.
Jackie, I think I got everything.
Get out! I came to talk to Jackie.
Get out! Look, this is between us, okay? If you think for one second That you hurting my sister Doesn't have everything to do with me, Dan must have hit you harder than I thought.
Roseanne, I can handle it.
You know, I consider myself a pretty good judge of people, And that's why I don't like none of 'em.
But I liked you.
In fact, I pushed Jackie to get back together with you After y'all broke up.
You just snuck right under my radar, man, And that just pisses me off.
Roseanne, I know you're upset with me, But you gotta understand.
I really hate myself for this.
Oh.
That's good.
And I really hope that you get your life together.
But if you don't, I hope the next brother-in-law kills you.
You say good-bye, Jackie.
Gimme a second.
She's an adult.
Maybe she doesn't wanna leave.
Maybe you should stay out of this.
You have to let me talk to him, Roseanne.
You got nothing to talk to him about.
Oh, god! Can't I think for myself? What, are you thinking of staying with him? Why don't you just marry him And then have a whole bunch of kids So he can smack them around, too.
Hey! Look, i've just about had it with you.
Now, i'm not gonna let you screw this up for me.
Jackie understands me.
We can work this out.
We've done it before.
You mean this happened before? [Roseanne.]
is that true, Jackie? Okay, sorry.
I didn't realize that This was the kind of sick relationship you were looking for.
Maybe I was wrong to try to help you get out of it.
I'll tell you what.
I'm gonna go downstairs and sit in my car.
When you figure out what it is you're gonna do, You let me know.
[sighs.]
well Maybe now we can make some sense out of this.
I think we just need to be alone.
Yeah, we do.
'cause I don't want Roseanne thinking That she's the reason why i'm leaving, And I don't want you thinking that either.
Bye.
Let's go.
If you ever come near her again, You're gonna have to deal with me, And I am way more dangerous than Dan.
I got a loose-meat restaurant.
I know what to do with the body.
UmThat's mine.
God! I hate myself for that.
What? Nothing.
No, really, what's the matter? Nothing.
I'm just looking at you.
Why? Because I was sitting here thinking How lucky I am to have you.
But now you're getting on my nerves.
So shut up! Really? That's what you were thinking? Yeah.
You know, I was thinking I could have done way worse than you.
You're pretty cool.
Do you want me? I've just washed.
I just said you were cool.
I didn't say I want to do nothing.
Fine.
Oh, okay.
Come here.
No, no, no, no.
I'm not that easy.
Tell me some more wonderful things about myself.
Start with my eyes.
You wanna hear all the things I like about you? UhYou picked me And you fix stuff.
Good enough.
Let's get after it.
[clapping.]
[opening chords to Jailhouse Rock.]
warden threw a party in the county jail the prison band was there and they began to wail the band was jumpin' and the joint began to swing you should have heard those knocked out jailbirds sing let's rock everybody let's rock everybody in the whole cell block was dancin' to the jailhouse rock number 47 said to number 3 you the cutest jailbird I ever did see i'd sure be delighted with your company come on and do the jailhouse rock with me let's rock everybody let's rock oh, yeah everybody in the whole cell block was dancin' to the jailhouse rock dancin' to the jailhouse rock dancin' to the jailhouse rock well, we're dancin' uh-huh, huh to the jail uh-huh, huh jailhouse rock [imitating elvis.]
thank you very much.