Roseanne s05e15 Episode Script

Mom, listen to this.
I'm writing a play.
Ah, put aside the novel, did ya? It's for woodchucks.
We're doing this history pageant At the Lanford days winter carnival On how Lanford was founded.
Don't you mean found? No, mom.
Founded.
I didn't know it was losted.
Mom.
Okay, i'm sorry, go ahead.
Okay.
"gather 'round, ye citizens of Lanford, "and hear the tale of the founding of your town.
"many years ago, "vikings came to America and discovered Lanford, "but it was already one of the 13 colonies, So Abraham Lincoln sent them home.
" "he freed the vikings" "and then the indians came with Geronimo and"-- Hey, hey, hold it, hold it.
Where did you come up with all this stuff? Darlene told me.
Hey, i'm surprised you left out the part Where Moses led his people out of Lanford.
Don't believe anything Darlene tells you.
Except what I told you about sex.
That was all true.
I want you to go down to the library And look up the real story About the founding of Lanford, okay? Go to where we check out the videos, And ask them where the books are.
Okay, but i'm looking up the sex stuff, too, So be ready.
I wish you wouldn't do that to him.
He gets enough wrong information from me and your dad.
Well, if he'd actually read something once in a while, He wouldn't be such an easy target.
You know, I think his picture's probably Under "gullible" in the dictionary.
See, that just goes to show how much you know.
"gullible" isn't even in the dictionary.
Of course it is.
No, I just read this whole story in reader's digest Where they said, "can you even believe That 'gullible' is not listed in the dictionary?" Oh, really? We'll see about that.
It's good to see that the classics still hold up.
Check it out.
If this doesn't bring people into our Lanford days booth, Nothing will.
What do you think? I think it's a big fat lie.
No, it's not.
She's gonna be singing there, We corner her with a sandwich, She loves it, we get her to say "hooo doggies," And the whole thing's true.
You're right, mom.
"gullible" is not in here.
It's not? That's the whole joke.
Let me see that.
I hate this family.
[theme.]
Hey, do I smell food? Yeah, but that'll go away soon as I start fixing dinner.
Can you make it quick? I gotta run out again.
Where are you going? I got a job.
Do I still have a tie? Whoa.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Come again? A tie--one of those long, skinny things.
Remember the wedding? You mean like a job job? Well, I get tired of sitting around the house, And a lot of other husbands in the neighborhoods Have jobs now.
Well, you know I like you looking all pretty for me When I get home from work.
Come on, Roseanne, I haven't had any work in weeks.
I know you want me to stay around the house doing stuff, But I can't.
Oh, sure, now what? I have to come home And break up potato chips onto the couch All by myself? Oh, so I don't do nothing.
Oh, hey, don't come out of your hair.
You know, I just didn't even know you were looking.
What kind of job is it? Running the booth at Lanford days, Selling hot tubs.
The beauty part is I never have to see the boss.
He just calls in to check up on me.
It's like charlie's angels.
You got a job, like a steady job? What am I, a hobo? No, I think it's great.
Congratulations.
I may even have an investment For that new income.
Oh, good, 'cause we've been thinking About diversifying our portfolio Beyond, you know, beer nuts.
David and I think we're ready to start selling the comics, And we could print up a thousand of 'em for Then why don't you wait until Friday When you get your allowance? Come on, you said the restaurant's doing okay, And it's a great idea, and i'll pay you back.
No way, Darlene.
This sucks.
It's not like i'm asking for a college fund.
These comics are all I got going for me.
Oh, now, don't go getting all in a huff 'cause you asked for something you can't possibly get.
Why don't you let me know what I can possibly get, And i'll ask for that? Okay, well, you can get The warmth of my loving bosom, And a coupon For a dollar off a loose meat sandwich, Cheese extra.
My wrist is killing me.
Can't we do a scene that doesn't have so much rain in it? Why don't you skip to the sandstorm? Food break.
Why are we doing this if no one's gonna see it? Just 'cause your mom won't help out Doesn't mean that's the end of it.
You can always go back to exotic dancing.
You, too.
You're still eating meat? Oh, come on.
I tried to stop, okay? But I realized i'm a carnivore.
Well, so are wolverines, But I don't let them heat up their prey in my microwave.
A little respect for my beliefs would be nice.
I would respect your beliefs If I knew what they were.
What are you talking about? You're such a hypocrite.
You won't eat meat, But your family makes its living selling meat.
Where do you think your mom's gonna get The money for our comics? Oh, please.
That is completely different.
No, it's not.
And what about your allowance? Face it, Darlene, you are a part Of the giant meat industrial complex.
Shut up.
I am not.
Let's get back to work.
I won an argument.
I can't believe it.
Congratulations.
What are you gonna do now, Kill me and eat me? Besides, it's out of my hands.
I mean, what could I do about it anyway? Excuse me.
Excuse me.
I'm the owner of this restaurant.
[gasp.]
What the hell? People, that's it! Show's over! Move along.
That's it.
I know what you're thinking, Roseanne, But this could have been done by anybody.
Let's not jump to conclusions.
Damn that stork! Hey! Hey.
So working on those comics there, huh, are ya? Yeah.
Say, Darlene, I know That you do all the writing And David does all the drawing, But do you ever get an urge to draw, Darlene? Oh, like, say, Maybe you wake up in the middle of the night, Going, "god, i've just gotta draw something somewhere!" All right, let's get this over with.
I did the chalk outlines.
I just couldn't go on being part Of the Connor family money-making death machine.
Oh, now you come up with a name for the restaurant.
I was making a statement.
Yeah? Well, i'm making a statement, too, Only my chalk outline's gonna have long curly hair And a great big mouth.
This is not a game, Darlene.
You got a problem, take it up with me.
Don't screw with the family business.
Doesn't it bother you That you make a living by exploiting animals? You don't get it, do you? We are too low on the food chain to exploit people.
All that's left for us is animals.
Well, i'm sorry if I have principles Despite everything you've taught me.
Oh, bull.
It has nothing to do with principles.
You're just mad 'cause we won't give you the 300 bucks.
Oh, right, like I really expected To get that money in the first place.
Well, i'll tell you what you didn't expect.
You didn't expect to be dishing loose meat sandwiches Over at the Lanford days this weekend, But that's exactly what you're gonna be doing.
You've got to be kidding.
Case closed, Darlene.
How close do I have to get to the meat? Well, you have to Sell it and serve it And kiss it and love it.
Hi.
Do you have any barbecued pork? Hey, just 'cause we slaughter cows Does not mean we hurt our little piggy friends.
Y'all come back soon.
Darlene, look at me.
What? What'd you do that for? How else are we gonna fool your mom? I don't want her stopping by here And finding out you didn't work all day.
Thanks.
If anyone asks, A cow blew up on me.
Hi, Jackie.
Hey, Darlene.
Hi, Molly.
Here's your apron.
You're working here? She promised she'd come over and spell me.
The scooper's there, the gloves are right here, And Darlene is on a break, So i'm gonna go over And make sure D.
J.
's play goes all right.
Last yeah, when they did Peter Pan, Nobody clapped, and Tinker Bell died.
Great.
Just the thing to make my day fly by.
Hey, you want me to leave? 'cause I can go, and you can slop this stuff yourself.
No, no, no, no, no.
We can work this out.
We're both reasonable people.
Just don't look at me.
Hi, Darlene.
Hey, Molly.
Hey, David.
Sorry I got you into this.
I really feel responsible.
What did you do? Dead cow outlines in front of the restaurant.
No biggie.
Hey, that's so cool.
You know, i'm a vegetarian, too.
I think anyone who cares about their body Wouldn't poison themselves with that stuff.
Huh.
I'd never thought about it that way before.
Oh, and now you do just 'cause she said it? All of a sudden you're a vegetarian? Well, i'm vegetarian-like.
What the hell does that mean? I'm eating a lot more chicken.
I forgot.
Chicken's a vegetable.
You even argue when I agree with you.
You're not agreeing with me.
You're agreeing with her, who happens to agree with me, Which makes me want to rethink my whole position.
Thank you, Darlene.
Oh, give me a break.
You're probably just saying you're a vegetarian 'cause you heard somewhere Shannen Doherty might be one.
I'm out of here.
All right, sparky, you made me chase her away, So now you're in charge of handling the meat.
Story of my life.
Just wait till you see this puppy in action.
Feel that jet.
Go ahead.
Okay.
Wow, that's turbulence.
Hey, you want to see turbulence, Come on over to my house! I'm kidding, but you know, Imagine putting your tired muscles up against that At the end of a long, hard day? By the way, I didn't get your name.
Paul.
Paul.
That's my son's name, Paul.
What do you think, paul? How much is something like this? Only 3,200, but with our no-money-down payment plan, We're talking a few dollars a day.
And let me tell you something, my friend.
This thing is a babe magnet.
I'm married.
We can have it demagnetized.
Well, I guess I could spare a few dollars a day.
Okay, you sold me.
Really? Terrific! Well, step into my office, And we'll fill out a credit application.
Okay, uh, annual income.
About 15,000.
Uh-huh.
Any additional income? Well, my wife was making about 12 Till she got laid off, But she wanted to spend more time with the kids anyway.
How many kids you got? Four.
Four? Credit cards? Yep.
Got all of 'em, But this doesn't got to go on 'em, right? 'cause they're pretty full.
I got to be honest with you.
I don't think these guys are gonna approve you.
Well, sure, they will.
They always do.
Everything I own is on time payments.
Well, maybe that's your problem.
Don't you think this tub Is way beyond your means? Of course it is.
If I lived at my means, my life would be crap.
If you lived at my means, your life would be crap.
Let me tell you something.
You're wishing you were me.
Look, I want to buy this thing.
I can get it here or from somebody else.
Your choice.
Okay.
Fine.
I really don't appreciate these high-pressure tactics.
[piano.]
Woodchuck troop 647 presents the founding of Lanford.
[toot.]
You know, Jackie, it's just been too long.
We simply don't get to the theatre often enough.
It all began on a dark and cloudy day.
[knock on door.]
Come in.
Do you have the articles of incorporation For the city of Lanford? Yes, I have the articles of incorporation For the city of Lanford right here.
Sign here.
And here.
And initial here.
[toot.]
And so the city of Lanford was founded On November 11, 1946.
[toot.]
[piano plays fanfare.]
God, I just love it when history comes alive.
Hey, Huckleberry Finn.
I thought I told you not to go selling hot tubs Dressed up in your church clothes.
Been a rough day.
Hey, how was D.
J.
's play? Very real.
Almost brutal in its honesty.
You okay? I don't know how people do this, Selling stuff that people don't need To people who can't afford it.
It's the American dream, Dan.
My old man could do it.
That guy could sell anything to anybody No matter what.
This is the first time in my life I admired him for being such a bastard.
Oh Honey, You'll always be a bastard to me.
I guess that's it for sales.
Some guys are made to wear these, Some guys aren't.
Well, it's just as well, 'cause, you know, if you got a promotion, We'd have go out and find you a clip-on suit.
What do you want to do now? I don't know, but i'm not gonna let this discourage me.
There's a wonderful world of opportunities out there.
Look at all those booths.
That's right, honey.
You are just as unskilled as the next guy.
More so.
Incoming.
David, what you doing here? I'm just helping because Molly left.
But Darlene served all the sandwiches.
Let me smell your hands.
David, out.
The deal was that you were supposed to help this family Make back some of the money that you cost us, okay? The very next customer that comes up here, You are serving a sandwich to.
Hi there.
Could I have a loose meat sandwich, please? Oh, my god! We love you! We love you! Darlene, do you know who this is? Yeah, it's loretta lynn.
Would you like some nice chips instead? God! Oh, man, we're such big fans of yours.
I'm Roseanne Connor, and this is my daughter Darlene, And we're so proud To have you patronize our humble establishment.
Darlene, fix her a sandwich.
No.
Darlene, don't make me yell at you In front of a famous person.
Oh, did I mention i'd like cheese on that, too? How about just cheese? How about just do it? Can't.
Bet you would do it for 300 bucks.
This isn't about money.
How can I make you get this? This was once a beautiful living thing Until someone put a bolt gun to its head And chopped it up, And now you want me to serve it to someone So they can make their stomach into a graveyard.
Hey, look, I don't mean to interfere or nothing, But I got to respect the girl for saying what she feels, And I do, honey.
Thank you for understanding.
Now hand me a great big ol' gob of that meat 'cause i'm starvin' to death.
Here you go, miss lynn.
I would like you to accept this sandwich, Uh, from us on the house.
Thank you, honey, and i'll see you later.
You just don't know when to quit, do you? You can't make someone go against their principles.
What did you think when you saw me as a baby, "I hope she never has the courage To stand up for her convictions"? Okay, okay, so you have convictions.
Just shut up about 'em! God, thank you.
Can I turn in my apron now? Yeah, yeah, you're all done here.
But i'm still gonna punish you.
Fine.
One loose meat, please.
And could you dip the bun in the grease? Ugh.
Why couldn't you have opened a vegetarian restaurant? Because people around these parts do not eat that way.
There used to be that place on elm By the bookstore-- you know Uh, carl's natural garden.
Who asked you? The whole world's going to hell, But I can take comfort in the fact That i'm not a hypocrite.
Oh You think you're so perfect, don't you? Well, where do you think they get that ink That you use to draw those comics of yours, huh? They get it from baby squids, that's where! They take about a dozen of 'em And shove 'em into this machine Where they get pinched and squeezed and tortured Until the ink just shoots out.
Why breathe? That--that's not true, is it? Didn't I tell you to shut up? Sorry.
You shouldn't lie to children.
Hey, when you've had something inside your gut Kicking and punching at you And making you sick every morning, Then you can talk to me.
Yeah, right.
I wouldn't know what that's like.
At least not until i've finished this sandwich.
Come on, Dan.
Show me what a man you are.
I really, really want this one.
Come on! You couldn't hit the broad side of a barn! Come on, you flesh eaters, You meat-sucking carnivores, You blood-drinking cow-killers! That's it! Oh, this is way more relaxing Than a hot tub! Now, Loretta, You've been married about a million years, right? Uh, a million years come August.
I got to ask you something.
Now, you know tom has his own show now, And you know how cute he is, And all these women are starting to look at him more.
I really don't think you have anything to worry about, Because he loves you so much.
I really don't think tom would ever cheat on you.
Not unless he wants his show to go on After Richard Simmons' deal-a-meal.
You know, this might help us a little bit.
If we can sing about it, We don't have to talk about it.
you've come to tell me something you say I ought to know that he don't love me anymore and I have to let him go you say you're gonna take him oh, but I don't think you can 'cause you ain't woman enough to take my man women like you, they're a dime a dozen you can buy 'em anywhere for you to get to him i'd have to move over and i'm gonna stand right here it'll be over my dead body so get out while you can 'cause you ain't woman enough to take my man you women ain't woman enough to take our man