Roseanne s10e05 Episode Script

Darlene v. David

1 [LOUDLY] Man, we are so lucky that ShopMore lets us scan our own groceries.
Now we can shop without the hassle of anybody helping us at all! [BEEP] [BEEP] Beep! Mom, that didn't go through.
I heard it beep.
Oh, my God.
You're stealing that.
They're making me work as a checkout lady, and my starting salary is bacon.
Excuse me.
This young lady just smashed the lids on all these cakes in the bakery section.
- Did you do that? - No.
Security camera caught you.
Well, then, say that first.
I'm sorry.
I'll pay for these.
Harris, why don't you just go wait outside? [CELLPHONE DINGS] Oh, damn it.
It's David.
That's why she smashed the cakes.
Get a summer beach body.
What's going on? He just texted to say he's coming tomorrow for Harris' birthday party.
He must have already texted her.
Well, she should be happy to see her father.
Yeah, sure, if he actually shows up.
And he only showed up like three times in Chicago.
And the anxiety of whether he's gonna be here or not really messes with her head.
I just have a feeling that Harris isn't gonna be disappointed this year.
I think David is gonna show up.
Why would you think that? Psh.
No reason.
Oh, my God.
You're in touch with David behind my back.
That is so wrong! Well, David's kinda like my son and you're kinda like my daughter, so of course I'm involved.
I don't want him knowing everything about my life.
All's I told him is that you lost your job, you haven't met anybody, and sometimes you're depressed.
I'll buy those cakes.
Hit it, Mary.
Beep! [DAN AND ROSEANNE LAUGHING] "Roseanne" is taped in front of a live audience.
I talked to Harris.
She's doing better.
I didn't realize she messed 'em up that bad.
Well, it's not all Harris.
You know, I needed to see what was inside some of them.
Uh, I almost wasted my time fixing up a carrot cake.
I'm sorry I yelled at you at the market.
This is just really hard for me.
I know.
You know, David's made a lot of mistakes, but he's still a good person.
And I want my grandkids to have a father.
You think I don't want that? I don't even like kids.
He's the only person I ever wanted to replicate with.
Have you told him that? 'Cause talk like that drives men wild.
How can you defend him? He's been running around the world building houses for poor people in third-world countries.
Does that sound like a good person to you? Okay.
All right.
But he's a bad person, too.
David can't just walk in here like everything's fine now.
Oh, he can walk in here.
Just won't be able to walk out.
You can't keep him from seeing his kids, Dan.
He's their father.
Well, if he acted like it, he'd be welcome here.
There is no reason to ever leave your family.
You may think about it, you may dream about it you may gas up your bike and make sandwiches but you don't ever do it.
So that's what you did that day! I knew there was no "drywall convention.
" I've said too much.
- [DOORBELL RINGS] - JACKIE: I got it! Hello, Jackie.
You look tired.
Nice outfit.
I see you're trying it without the sickle.
Hey, Roseanne! Looks like that "putting Mom in a home" thing didn't stick! Mom, what are you doing here? What's with the suitcases? The retirement home asked me to leave.
Why? Did they figure out you're never gonna die? What did you do? Nothing but live my life.
I watch TV, I play cards, I have an occasional drink, but apparently at my age I am not supposed to enjoy a healthy sex life.
With multiple partners in multiple parts of the facility.
Oh, my God.
What? I had sex.
Is that so difficult to imagine? Not anymore.
Now it's hard to stop imagining.
They said I can go back if I write a letter of apology, and I am not ready to do that.
Now, if you don't mind, I need to get some sleep.
I bet you do.
[KNOCKING ON GLASS] What the hell are you doing out there? I told you I was coming.
I need to talk to you.
Give me one good reason why I should let you in.
'Cause I'm gonna fall.
I'm vegan now.
I have no upper-arm strength.
Why are you coming in the window, anyway? - Does your dad still live here? - Yeah? That's why I'm coming in through the window.
- Are you okay? - Yeah.
Yeah, I just need to put my hands on my knees and breathe hard for a second.
Oh, wow.
They kept everything exactly the same as it was when you guys were kids.
Oh, yeah, it's a decorating choice called "poverty.
" So what'd you want to talk about? Something I think you'll be happy to hear.
Yeah, I've heard it before, David You miss me, you want to get back together, then as soon as things get real, you run back to Deadbeats Without Borders.
Not this time.
I just, uh I just signed a lease.
I'm moving back to Lanford.
See? I realized it's not too late to fix things.
It's over on Fourth.
- That's so nice.
- It's right by Mark's school.
I met someone.
You met someone? How'd you meet someone? Uh, I was somewhere, and she was there, too.
It's not that unusual really.
Her name's Blue, and I've learned so much from her.
So we're just gonna blow right past the whole Blue thing? I was hoping to, yeah.
She's made me see so many things.
I-I realized I was in denial.
I thought Harris and Mark were better off without me.
And then I realized how unfair it is, to you, not to give you a divorce so you can have some closure.
[SCOFFS] Okay.
So let me get this straight.
While I have been picking up kids' clothes, dealing with meltdowns, cleaning up vomit, you're dating a crayon?! [SNIFFLES] I know.
I'm sorry.
But she's really good for me.
And t-that's just gonna make me be better for you and the kids.
So how serious is this thing? Mm.
Blue says she won't merge our spiritual paths until you and I sign divorce papers.
Okay, so, what if I don't want a divorce? Why wouldn't you? We both hate me.
I-I don't know how I feel about you, David.
You come in here, you throw all this stuff at me I thought you would want this.
I didn't mean to stress you out.
Now I'm stressed out.
Okay, now I'm stressed out and turned on.
What am I gonna tell Blue? Tell her she's got a stupid name.
What are you doing? Studying your face.
Why? You look like my kids.
That's weird.
You look like mine.
You know you're gonna have to talk to Blue.
I know.
And you're really done running around saving the world? You got that out of your system? [EXHALES SHARPLY] I got dysentery in Angola.
That gets everything out of your system.
[CHUCKLES] You know, when I left you and the kids, I rationalized that it was okay because I was helping people.
The truth is, I left because my brother died and I was overwhelmed with all the responsibility and I I just ran.
And once I was out there, I was ashamed, and I-I Frankly, I didn't expect for you to let me talk this long, so [CLEARS THROAT] Well, you were finally being honest with yourself, so I didn't want to spook ya.
You got to go.
My dad will be up by now.
I'll call you after I talk to him if it's safe to come back over.
You know what? She's my daughter.
I'm coming to her party no matter what.
[CHUCKLES] David, it's really cute when you assert yourself, but let me just prepare my dad for this.
Cute? Come on.
Don't Why do you always have to belittle me like that? I'm a grown man.
Don't be so sensitive.
Don't tell me what not to be.
Then do be less sensitive.
[SCOFFS] All right.
How about this? You be less controlling, and I'll be less sensitive.
You know what? Let's not do this.
I'm sorry.
I-It's okay.
You haven't been around me.
I'm a different person now.
Other than your father, I'm not so easily intimidated.
You know what they called me in Guatemala? I don't know either 'cause it was in Spanish, but they said it with incredible respect.
Okay, hotshot, but if my dad finds you, they're gonna call me "El Widow Blanco.
" I told you, I don't speak Spanish.
It's so great hanging out with you girls.
I missed this.
Us too.
You know what we should do, Roseanne? Um, we should have you visit Mom more often when she goes back to the home.
Well, uh [CHUCKLES] I suppose this is as good a time as any to break the bad news.
Make it short, but painful, and not hereditary.
I can't go back to the home.
I'm gonna have to stay here with you girls.
Painful for her! For her! What are you talking about, Mom? You said you could go back if you apologized.
Actually, that's not the whole truth.
Uh, they said that I am "a danger to others.
" I gave a couple of the men a little gonorrhea.
Well, I think this is for the better.
I was starting to feel that you had forgotten me entirely.
No, Mom, I haven't forgotten you.
There's just been so much going on, with Darlene moving back in and her kids.
And you? [EXHALES SHARPLY] You really want to get into it? Hey.
Is Dad home yet? No, he went to pick up some pain pills for my knee.
When's that situation gonna change? Uh, as soon as one of you girls marries an orthopedic surgeon.
Or a drug dealer.
I know where the smart money is.
Well, it's gonna have to be Becky.
Because, uh, David stopped by last night.
We hung out and we talked, and I think we're gonna work things out.
Oh, my God! You slept with him?! It's one thing for Grandma to be having sex with some veiny-legged old guy.
But you and your husband? That's disgusting! I need a Bloody Mary.
Why would you do that? Uh, what do you mean? Try to get back together with David.
What are you talking about? You said he was a good person.
I said I should give him another chance.
Yeah, I meant as a father, not as a husband.
You guys are a disaster as a couple.
It's like Dr.
Jekyll and Mr.
And David.
He's different now.
He's totally self-aware.
He realized the only reason he left the first time around was because he couldn't handle the pressures of fatherhood.
That's not why he left.
He left because you guys were fighting all the time, and that's what he couldn't handle.
What? You don't know that.
I do know.
He told me.
[SCOFFS] I think I know a little bit more about this than you do.
[SIGHS] Okay.
You're gonna do what you're gonna do.
You know, I'm just trying to help you have a happy life, you know, so you don't get so blue.
If you need me, I'm gonna be in the driveway waiting for my pain pills.
That's not a Bloody Mary.
They have vodka, but they don't have tomato juice or Tabasco.
I'm just calling this a Mary.
- [CAN OPENS] - Cheers.
Mom's trying to blow up me and David.
She's telling me there's no way our relationship can work.
I love David.
But you guys have been going at this for 20 years.
It's like that ham radio Dad tinkers with in the garage.
If it was gonna work, it would've worked by now.
Dad just got that radio working.
He's got a friend in Duluth that's 102.
Fine, fine.
You know what? Then just keep tinkering, Darlene.
Oh, what, so now I'm supposed to take advice from you, Becky? No.
Take advice from you.
Position, feel thyself.
None of those words are right.
And I don't know what you're talking about.
You told me I never moved on after Mark died.
End the misery.
Grieve and get on with your life.
Your words.
David didn't die.
Yeah, but your marriage did.
Thanks to your advice, I'm getting ready for a second date with a really nice guy tonight.
Doesn't smoke.
He's not married, Has all his own teeth.
If you're so happy, how come you're drinking before the date? Because I have a drinking problem.
Dad? Wow.
You came.
Did the world run out of poor people? No, it's worse than it's ever been.
Uh, happy birthday.
I-I brought you something.
It's a T-shirt.
"Love One An' Otter.
" Cute.
I-It's from an aquarium in in Costa Rica.
'Cause I know you love animals and you wear T-shirts.
Uh, so, good news.
Uh, I'm moving to Lanford.
Your mom and I, we're we're good.
So I-I'm gonna be here all the time.
You have enough guilt to buy me some weed? No.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] I have enough guilt to buy you ice cream.
[CHUCKLES] Baby steps.
Come on in.
We've got a lot of cake.
I told you to wait for my call.
Oh, uh, sorry.
I just I got excited.
So, let's go give everyone the good news.
I don't think your dad will kill me in front of the kids.
There's no good news.
What do you mean? It's just not gonna work.
Sure it is.
We worked last night.
First of all, I remember doing most of the work.
The truth is, we're delusional if we think we can make each other happy.
We're gonna fight, you're gonna run, and we're gonna break the kids' hearts.
We talked.
We know what went wrong.
We belong together.
You're the first person I loved, and I still love you.
I love you, too, you know, and if it was just us, I swear I would keep doing this over and over again, even if it never worked.
But it's not just us.
You okay? I'm fine.
Hello, David.
Hey, Dan.
H-H-How are you doing? I've been better.
I hear you're moving back to Lanford.
I got a place.
I'll be back permanently in two weeks.
Then that's when you'll see the kids.
Questions? Comments? No, sir.
You always were a smart boy.
So what now? You're gonna do what you came here to do.
You're gonna be a great father.
You can do that, right? Yeah, I can.
Mark's got a parent-teacher night in a month.
So you be there.
What's Mark like? He's, uh, really artistic, very sweet, like you.
And he likes to wear dresses.
So now you're all caught up.
[DOOR CLOSES] [DOOR OPENS] You goin'? Didn't go so well.
It could've gone a lot worse.
Luckily we're a very forgiving family.
No, you're not.
[CHUCKLES] Well, I guess you're gonna have to forgive us for that.
Don't worry.
I am gonna do the right thing.
You better, 'cause if you don't, there's not gonna be anybody left in this house to be on your side.
I know you're a quality person, David.
I want you to prove me right.
I will.
Thank you.
- David? - Yes, Mrs.
Conner? Tuck in your shirt there.
You're not 15 anymore.
The rules are simple Hands behind your backs, first one to finish their cake wins.
Okay, if I go into diabetic shock, I want you to get my insulin pen and then you know, quick And then point me back to my cake.
And go! This is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen.
Really? My guess it's not.