Roseanne s10e06 Episode Script

No Country For Old Women

1 Jackie, did you know Mom sleepwalks? Oh, that's dangerous.
I heard if you leave your front door open, a sleepwalker can wander right out into traffic.
I'm talking wide open.
But you know what the weird thing is? She's actually really nice when she's sleepwalking.
She asked me how I was doing and said I had nice skin.
Wow.
Then she woke up and said, "Where the hell am I," and told me I ruined my children.
Good morning, girls.
Good morning, Mom.
How you doing? Well, I didn't sleep a wink with all the noise in this house and that lumpy old bed that you've got me sleeping on.
But I grew up in the Depression, so I'm not a complainer.
Although, this is worse.
You know, I hear Jackie's apartment is nice and quiet.
No.
No! Mom seems very happy here.
And I know that Roseanne wants to spend - more time with her - [GRINDER WHIRRING] [LOUDLY] since she's been in the home for a while.
[WHIRRING CONTINUES] Don't you think Bev would be much more comfortable [LOUDLY] in your spare bedroom? [LOUDLY] Mom! Mom, they're done.
The beans are ground, Mom! They're dust! Would it be rude of me if I were to take my coffee in my room? - Go for it.
- Absolutely not.
You gotta take her.
No.
Not a chance.
Possession is nine tenths of the law.
It's not the law when you don't want the thing that you possess.
Now, she's only here because she came here first after the home kicked her out.
I hear and respect your argument.
I believe that I can make an equally strong case I hate her.
I'm older, so I hated her first.
I don't have any space for her anyhow.
I had to move Darlene and her kids into one room.
All right.
I give in.
I will take Darlene and her kids.
No, I like one of those kids.
Well, it's not fair! She wasn't supposed to be a burden.
She had money.
Well, she doesn't have it anymore.
And the only option is the county facility, and that's horrible.
No, I know we can't send her there.
Those people are suffering enough already.
We're gonna have to split her.
Ooh! Let me split her.
All right.
We each get her for a week.
Who goes first? A-ha! - Scissors.
- Aah! I should've knew you was gonna make a fist We were talking about Mom.
[DAN AND ROSEANNE LAUGHING] "Roseanne" is taped in front of a live audience.
What'cha doing? Writing a letter of introduction for when we drop you at the foster home.
How much would you say you eat a week? Say whatever you have to to get me in.
I'm doing a drywall job for one of the neighbors.
How did you learn to do that? Did you start doing drywall right after college? Well, first I apprenticed with the great drywallers of Vienna.
What's this? Plans for a birdhouse.
After I'm done with the drywall, he wants me to throw one together for him.
Can I help? I'll tell you what I'll cut the wood, draw up some instructions, and you can put it together and paint it.
I can do that.
Why do birds need houses when they have trees? I'll do you one better, and this'll bend your mind.
Why do we cut down trees to make the wood for birdhouses? Whoa.
One day, you'll have a brownie in college.
It'll make it even better.
All right, baby! Mama needs a new pair of shoes! I raise.
Save your money, ladies.
Ah, you're not scaring anybody off with that bubble-gum cigar.
I call.
I fold I know she's got an ace 'cause it's got the grape-jelly stain on it.
Heh.
I win.
Hold on, I want to take a picture for my Instagram.
27 cents Rappers gon' be shook.
Hey, put that phone down.
You're missing the magic of the moment here.
I'm not putting mine down.
I'm texting with this really hot chick that I met on a dating app.
We're 100% personality match.
Well, we fight a lot, but I believe the science.
What do two women even fight about? "I want to put the dishes away.
" "No, I want to put the dishes away.
" [LAUGHS] Why do they both want to do dishes? David used to offer to clean the kitchen.
Then he'd ask me how to clean the kitchen.
Then I would show him by cleaning the kitchen.
So, really, it's a story of how stupid I am.
The problem with my lady is, we're both tops.
Well, I still say it's got to be easier to be in a relationship with a woman than a man.
I bet Dan thinks the same thing.
Heh, excuse me? Well, dear, you have to admit, you're a bit bossy.
You're calling me bossy? Deal, Harris, deal.
The tops are about to go at it.
Oh, sweetheart, I'm not bossy.
You just have an adolescent need to challenge.
Oh, you really have to have mustard with those.
Ketchup is pure corn syrup.
That's why I like it.
You'll try it with mustard, you'll see.
Do not open that refrigerator, Mom.
I swear to God, if I even see a light come on on that thing Like this? Roseanne, it's 6:00 a.
m.
It's technically Monday.
You're it.
You've been grocery shopping for seven hours.
What took you? Long lines.
And then I went to the DMV and renewed my license early.
I've been meaning to ask you I have been staring at this thing all day.
What is it? Oh, that's my marzipan village.
I made it entirely out of almond paste and, uh working on it helps relieve anxiety.
It's just a Just kind of a hobby.
It's not a hobby, dear, it's a symptom.
All I'm saying is, if you ever want a man to take you seriously, you need to stop doing things like that.
I have no problem getting men, Mother.
[SCOFFS] The trick is keeping them, dear.
Look at how you've arranged your furniture.
You have a single chair in front of the TV that screams "I don't want anybody else here.
" And yet some people just don't seem to get the message.
You know what, Mom? I don't want to do this anymore.
I am a certified life coach.
We are breaking this pattern right now.
I love your passion, but when I hear life coach, I think it should be someone who has a life.
You ever see "The Godfather," Mom? No, I don't think so.
Buona notte, Mama.
[SING-SONG] I finished the birdhouse.
Open the curtain.
Let's see what you got.
Is this where birds stay when they go to Vegas? The birds only use it in the summer, so I made it more open.
But the birds didn't pay me for this job.
Mr.
Nelson did, and he wanted it to match his house exactly.
Well, Mr.
Nelson also had his wife get plastic surgery to look like his mother.
Mr.
Nelson is a freak.
Be that as it may, if you don't give the customer what they want, they go to someone else.
I'm gonna have to do this over in the morning.
Sorry, Grandpa.
Dad, come on.
I try to encourage him when he thinks outside the box.
That birdhouse was amazingly creative.
It was creative.
But this was a job.
I make up songs in the shower.
They're real creative.
But if show up to work naked and singing, they don't pay me.
They call the heat.
Look, there are different kinds of jobs now where people get rewarded for being creative.
Elon Musk makes his own rules.
And the 600 people who work for Elon Musk have to follow those rules.
And if they don't, I'm sure he has a real creative way of firing them.
You know what? Would you stop thinking of Mark as some guy on an assembly line? He's different.
He's got more potential than that.
Meddling mothers.
This is why kids can't get work in factories anymore.
Mom? How did you move all my furniture? You have bones like meringue.
You know who does this? A manipulative, narcissistic psychopath.
Not an insult.
I'm just giving you a heads up on the eulogy.
Mom? Mom? Oh, crap.
Oh, crap.
Hi, Roseanne.
Is Mom there? Uh no reason.
So, those are the Uber rules, Nick.
Any questions? Water? Gum? Oh, no thanks.
I'm fine.
Okay.
One last thing I never know if I'm supposed to tip.
Well, let's see.
I picked you up at your house, so I know where you live, so I guess it's up to you.
Why are you stopping? Sorry.
Sorry, Roseanne.
Have you heard anything from Mom? Driver, excuse me.
There's not supposed to be any family or friends in the car during a ride.
I know where you live, Nick.
Hey, quick question.
You're a guy.
If you walked into a woman's house and she had a chair in front of the TV instead of a couch, would that turn you off? And keep in mind, this woman is fantastic in every other way.
I got to get a car.
Look, I'm gonna be straight with you, Nick.
My sister lost our mom, and we've got to find her.
- [CELLPHONE RINGING] - [SIGHS] Hello? It's me, Mom.
I just wanted to tell you that Grandma's at my apartment.
Oh, thank God.
And you two should be ashamed of yourselves.
She may not be perfect, but she raised you.
And she helped us out when we needed it.
And now I'm gonna do the same for her because it's the right thing to do.
She's going to be staying with me.
You know she's broke, right? What's that? It doesn't matter.
That's not why I'm doing this anymore.
You know, you're right about us, Becky.
You're a better person than we are, and we're gonna have to live with the shame of that.
Yep, me too.
Okay, thanks.
Say "hi" to Mom.
Oh! Ha-ho! [BOTH LAUGH] Mark must be really bummed.
He's been in his room for hours.
[SIGHS] You know when I was playing football in high school Eughh.
Let me finish.
State championship The couch gives me one job Stop the running back.
But I got creative and went for the quarterback.
Running back scampers by me 50 yards for the winning touchdown.
I didn't follow directions.
And that's why I'm not a pro today.
I thought beer and a bad back is why you're not a pro today.
And by the way, didn't you punch your coach? It's a simple story.
Why do you have to pick it apart? Ladies and gentlemen, the moment you've all been waiting for, the unveiling of The Most Boring Birdhouse Ever! And crowd goes "ehhh.
" Yeah, but I think Mr.
Nelson's gonna be very pleased.
And so will his mother-wife.
I painted flowers and a sun on the inside so the birds would think it was always summer.
I just wanted it to be a little special.
You know, the world has a way of kind of forcing you to be like everybody else.
The trick is to find the balance between playing by the rules and breaking them.
So it's okay if I Unless they're my rules.
Don't test me.
Hey, I'll kill you if you tell her, but these franks are great with mustard.
You got to do something about Grandma! Well, you made it half a day.
She's having sex right now in my apartment with a very old man.
It's only 4:00.
Yeah, they went to dinner, came right back, and started doin' it.
You got to get her out of there right now.
I am living here and eating your food until you do.
Fine.
Let's go, Jackie.
Well, what are we gonna do when we get there, just charge in and break it up? No, we'll go in and yell "fire," and they should be out of the room, 45 minutes to an hour, tops.
Mom, it's us.
BEV: Of course it is.
Come in! Hi, Mom.
Girls, this is my boyfriend, Lou.
Who treats me like a queen.
Lou, these are my daughters, Roseanne and Jackie.
They treat me like a fly in the potato salad.
- Nice to meet you.
- Pleasure.
Those are your daughters? I would've mistaken them for your sisters.
Uncalled for, Lou.
Uh, Mom, Becky says you guys got to go right now.
You don't need to put up with this kind of disrespect.
Beverly, let's just get in the car and drive.
All we need is a car.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
No, we'll just go.
I'm going to need some help with Lou's socks.
He can't bend that far, and my arthritis is killing me.
- Jackie, help your mo - I'm not touching his feet.
Okay, sit, Lou.
I need my compression socks.
They force the blood to my heart.
Point your toes, Lou.
If I could feel 'em, I'd point 'em.
All right.
I'm gonna take Lou back to the home.
And Jackie's gonna help you pack up all your stuff.
Fine, but you two have to make a decision about who is going to be stuck with me.
I can't be dragging my belongings from one house to the other.
It's too hard.
Lou, could you wait for Roseanne downstairs? I need a minute.
It's two flights.
You got some time.
Okay, what are we gonna do? I don't want her, and you don't want her.
There's only one solution.
You have to take her.
No, Roseanne, come on.
You know she picks me apart way more than she does you.
So what do we do Take her to the county facility where people die in the hallways? Well, we can go visit it before we make any decisions.
Well, we got to figure something out.
I'm gonna get going, 'cause I'm sure Lou has tumbled down to the bottom stair by now.
Mom, what are you doing? We're getting ready to go.
You won't be happy until I'm gone, so this is for you.
Oh, come on.
You know you've just been standing by that window, waiting for me to come in so you can manipulate me and make me feel bad.
Do you know why I left last night? I watched "The Godfather" after you went to bed.
That man killed his brother.
No, he did not.
He had someone else do it, and I don't have that kind of money.
Look, Mom! I was just upset.
Upset enough to put me in a county facility where people die in the hallways? When is your hearing gonna go bad? I knew you girls didn't like me, but I didn't think you hated me so much you would throw me in the garbage.
Mom, this is crazy.
You're not gonna do this.
You don't think so? Dare me.
- No.
- Dare me! - No! - Dare me! - I want it to be over! - No, Mom, stop.
Mom! Mom! Don't! You're freaking me out! I love you! I don't want you to die! Get in here, you crazy old woman.
[SIGHS] [HUFFS] Why did you stop me? Because my life would be better without you, but it would be so much better if it was better with you.
Well, I guess that's up to you.
Well, you're right.
I guess it is.
I just keep asking you for something that you can't give me.
And I'm gonna have to work on that if we're if you're gonna live with me.
[SIGHS] I'm gonna live with you? [STRAINED] Yeah, you are.
What's gonna happen when we start fighting again? How are we going to avoid that? Well, that's obvious.
I'm 60.
You're 90.
We go through about 10 years of therapy.
Well, I may die before that.
Well, then I win.
[SIGHS] I got to ask.
Would you let your mom move into the county home? Well, thank God it didn't come to that, Dan.
I'm not really sure.
We certainly don't want to give the kids any ideas.
[GROANS] You're so transparent.
No, this is pure love here.
You're taking one for the team, and I am never gonna forget it.
Well, you were right.
I couldn't let go of needing Mom's approval, and that's something that I'm gonna have to work on if we're gonna have a relationship.
But I think it was the right thing to do, right? Yeah.
Good girl, Jackie.
Thank you.
And I promise, I'm gonna take her off your hands at least once a month to give you a break.
Great, she likes to go to the park and criticize the children.
[FAKE CRYING] There are no words to express the love that I feel for you in this moment.
It's okay, Dan.
No, no.
You saved our lives.
This is from Peterson Heating and Air.
They'd want you to have it.
Thank you.
The therapist gave us a list of "trigger words" for me and Mom, so I'll use this to hang it on the fridge.
What kind of words are we talking about? "Hi," "hello" There's quite a few that get us into trouble.