Rules of Engagement s04e02 Episode Script

Ah.
Ten more minutes.
Nice.
Ah.
Ten more minutes.
Sweet.
Rise and shine, lazy.
Let's go.
# How many ways To say, "I love you?" # # How many ways To say that I'm not scared? # # With you by my side # # There is no denyin' # # I can't wait For me and you # And I was only 9, but I knew it was the last time that I would spend with her.
So I held back my tears and I took her tiny paw in my hand and I said, "Sprinkles" I said, "Sprinkles, you are my best" Really, Audrey? Sorry.
Don't apologize.
You said what we were all thinking.
No, go ahead, Jen.
Finish your story.
She died, the end, whatever.
No, babe, it's not your story.
I'm just I'm really tired, thanks to you.
Yeah? The old guy managed to crank up his rig last night? How would you like to go meet Sprinkles? Please continue.
Jeff likes to set the alarm way before he has to get up, and then he hits the snooze over and over.
I can never get back to sleep.
It's great when I wake up and realize I got It's not a great feeling.
It happened to me three times during her story.
Smell you later, losers.
When you do that, I can't get back to sleep.
Can't you set the alarm for when you actually have to get up? I wouldn't get the extra bonus sleep.
No, you'd get the same amount.
Yes, but I wouldn't know it.
I get that.
Stay out of this.
But I'm supporting you.
Still.
Who controls your alarm? Well, it varies.
How's that? We don't have set sides of the bed.
We sort of lie down wherever.
What are you, farm animals? God, what do you care? Couples have set sides of the bed.
Come on, to each their own, Jeff.
Absolutely not.
Please, walk me through this.
You get ready for bed.
You put your sweats on, whatever No, we sleep naked.
I'm sorry, what? Totally naked.
Except for a pair of moisturizing gloves.
Oh, do those work? I don't know.
Ask Adam.
Oh, I'm good.
So there's no barrier between your business and your bed? Correct.
So your sheets become a giant pair of underpants? What do you care what we do? Just stay out of this.
But this is my thing.
Whatever.
No sides, no clothes, no rules.
Basically your bedroom is Thunderdome.
Thunderdome, like that movie? Like, 100 years ago? Whatever.
Filthy, naked hippies.
Would you leave them alone? Fine, but you know what? This isn't over.
How is it not over? Your burger is really undercooked.
No, it's fine.
No, babe, it's raw.
Just send it back.
Risk upsetting the waitress? Adam would never do anything that would make someone not like him.
It still happens, though.
Timmy, get in here.
Yes, sir? What are all these people lining up for? Ooh, is there a concert? I wanna see it.
Is it food? I wanna eat it.
Is it an author I don't know signing some book I've never heard of? I gotta get a copy.
Sir, calm down.
Why, are they calming down? They're waiting to purchase the latest version of the newest must-have phone.
Ooh, I must have it.
Very well, I'll put it on my to-do list.
No, no, no.
Go get in line right now.
I want it now.
The phone doesn't go on sale until tomorrow morning.
While you were mouthing off, two more people just got in line.
You actually want me to stand out there overnight? Well, I'm afraid I can't.
My uncle is in town Oh, okay, oh.
No, let me just call Galileo, tell him he was wrong.
Apparently all the planets revolve around Timmy.
You should actually be calling Copernicus, sir, because it was he who first postulated Stop raping my ears with your words.
Now let's go get me that phone.
But But But, but.
What are butts for? Butts are for pooping.
That's right.
I'm just saying, enough with all these sexy vampire shows.
Am I right, or am I right? What are you doing? I just felt like sleeping on this side tonight.
You can't.
That's my side.
Look, I was thinking, Adam and Jen are right.
Why do we have to have sides? Plus, I get to control the alarm clock for a change.
You want to be more like Adam and Jen.
Well, let's sleep naked too.
Let our loose parts flop all over the place.
I just want to get a full night's sleep for once.
Our sides of the bed are locked in.
You throw out the rules, next thing you know, it's Thunderdome.
You really need to stop watching that DVD.
Look, I'm just saying we don't need another hero.
Come on.
You're the one who's always saying you wanna shake things up in the bedroom.
Yeah, like, maybe watch some porn or invite your friend Sheila over.
Oh, just get in bed.
FYI, Sheila just got engaged.
Oh! Really? Oh, yeah, because before that, it was a possibility.
I know that you're being sarcastic, but later, when I relive that conversation, you won't be.
There's not even an indentation here.
Well, there is over here in Body Hair Canyon.
What, are you molting? All you got over here is "Sudok-oh.
" You know how I feel about "Sudok-oh.
" Yes, you feel like an idiot because you don't know how to pronounce it.
Here.
Skim this fitness and retain nothing.
The light's hitting it all funny.
There's a draft over here.
I am much further from the bathroom.
That's gonna throw off my timing.
Oh, God.
You are such a baby.
Just go to sleep.
I am looking forward to waking up rested and refreshed.
What was that? I just groped the phone instead of your boob.
Oh, goody, you found it.
I love these sexy vampire shows.
But don't tell Jeff, because he doesn't like them.
Oh, my God, the guy upstairs.
It's, like, the third night in a row.
I know.
What a bummer, huh? Gee, I wonder which one of us is gonna go up to talk to him.
What's that supposed to mean? Oh, come on, you're not gonna confront him.
He's just another uncooked burger you're willing to eat.
You are wrong.
I got this.
I don't care what he thinks.
The gloves are coming off.
You think that's bad? Last weekend, my boss' kid had a bar mitzvah.
My boss made me write all the thank-you notes.
My boss doesn't even know my name.
He just calls me "Skidmark.
" Pfft.
Big deal.
My boss walks behind me and smells my hair.
Then he locks himself in his office for 20 minutes.
Yeah? Here's a list of things my boss threw at me just last week: His stapler, his sandwich, my sandwich, and a rock from his Zen garden.
Oh, and he smells my hair too.
You win.
You have the most awful boss in New York City.
Excuse me.
If I may.
Hey, uh, I'm Adam.
I live downstairs.
I'm Frank.
Yeah, the thing is, your guitar.
What about it? I mean, I think you're good.
Dude, you shred.
Thanks.
Come on in.
But the thing is, it might be a little loud.
Oh, man, really? You're not gonna be one of those guys? Okay, here's the deal.
Yeah? It's not me.
It's my fiancée, you know.
She's trying to watch one of those romantic vampire shows.
Oh, I hate those.
Yeah, me too.
Doing this for your lady, huh? Yeah, you get that, right? Totally.
Women, huh? Yeah, I feel you, bro.
I'll unplug.
Hey, thanks a lot, man.
No worries, man, I get it.
I've had my share of psycho girlfriends.
Well, I mean, I really wouldn't call mine psycho.
At least not to her face.
I smelllavender? Oh, yeah, no, I was just You know, punching some candles.
And because Mr.
Dunbar's arms are so short, guess who had to apply the ointment for him? Directly on his? Every four hours.
That is absolutely horrifying.
Now, let me tell you what my second day was like.
Huh? Anyone else's business you want me all up in? What did you say to him? I just got in his face, laid down the law.
I'm impressed.
You stood up for your lady.
Hell, yeah, I did.
Hm, so do you want to finish watching your vampire show, or maybe? Definitely "or maybe.
" But my My vampire show still It's recording, right? Oh! My God, my eye! Again, I am really, really sorry.
Okay, Jeff.
How long do I have to keep this thing on, doctor? Just one or two days.
Long enough for the cornea to heal.
And will she still be able to plunder doubloons? That's the follow-up to your big apology? Take it easy, Tom Cruise in Valkyrie.
Enough, all right? My eye hurts when I roll it.
Oh, take these.
Uh, they're pretty powerful.
They might put you to sleep.
Hm.
Or Jen can trot out that dead-cat story again.
Thank you.
You know, it doesn't look so bad.
Nobody'll notice if you let me draw an eyeball on it.
Jeff, you're not drawing an eyeball on it.
You're right.
It would probably scare the parrot.
I'm sorry.
I feel bad.
And it's not even my fault.
Wha? In what way is your giant, meaty paw smacking me in the face not your fault? You're the one who wanted to switch sides.
I didn't wanna hit you in the face.
It was just force of habit.
All I wanted was one little thing.
But lookit, I told you it was a bad idea.
I warned you, but you just wouldn't listen.
I know.
I know, I know, I know.
I just should have known better.
Well, don't beat yourself up.
No, I'll leave that to you.
Boy, those meds are making you mouthy.
Check it out.
I just swiped some Jell-O.
I'm not hungry.
I was hoping you'd say that.
Those painkillers kick in yet? How you feeling? Mm, I feel good.
Very, very good.
Well, then this is probably the best time to tell you that when you went to Cancún, I reported your credit card stolen.
That's why it wouldn't work.
I love pushing it through my teeth.
Watch.
Hi.
I'm sorry this is taking so long, but, Mr.
Bingham, I'm gonna have to come with me to fill out some paperwork.
What, is this about the Jell-O? Hi, Mrs.
Bingham, I'm Wendy.
I'm a social worker.
I wanted to check on you.
Hi, Wendy.
Hi.
Listen, I want you to know that you are in a safe place.
So if you're comfortable Oh, yeah, I'm comfortable.
I'm super comfy.
Good.
And now I wanted to ask about your injury.
Your husband did this to you, didn't he? Oh, yeah.
Big surprise.
Tell me what happened.
Oh, it was my fault.
It is never your fault.
You know, I should've kept my mouth shut and stayed on my side of the bed.
Is that what he told you? Oh, it doesn't matter.
He's really, really sorry.
And then he ate my Jell-O.
Well, everything's going to be okay now.
Ah.
How long is Jeff gonna be gone? Oh, you don't have to worry about him anymore.
Mr.
Bingham.
Hey, what's up? You son of a bitch.
You're going to have to come with us.
Oh, look, I'll pay for the Jell-O.
So instead of attending my own birthday party, I spent the night explaining to three adult-film actresses that none of them got the part because there really was, in fact, no movie.
And that sums up the last six months.
All of that in six months? Yes, Veronica.
Oh, and Secretary's Day? Not even a card.
Even I got a card.
It said, "Take this out of petty cash, Skidmark.
" Oh, come on.
Are you guys really buying this? I'm sorry? You think I've been making these up all night? What on Earth would I stand to gain from doing that? I don't know.
Maybe you just like the attention.
Yes, that's what I crave: Attention from the gang in the "who's the biggest loser?" contest.
Sorry, Veronica, I know you've got some irons in the fire.
Whatever, dude.
No boss could ever be that bad.
Well, it looks as though you'll have a chance to judge for yourself.
Here he comes now.
Where, behind that little blond girl? No, he is the little blond girl.
Timmy.
Mr.
Dunbar, good day.
How you doing? You okay? I was worried about you.
Here.
Come on, he brought you coffee.
Give it a minute.
Yeah, this isn't coffee.
This is an empty cup.
I don't want to lose my place in line if babu here decides he needs to take a whiz.
And we're off.
Here's today's to-do list.
Yikes, a little sticky.
Don't ask.
I never do, sir.
And off to the office.
Oh You seem a little emotionally shaken.
Get her number.
I am so sorry I ever doubted you.
Not at all.
Look, my fiancé read you the riot act yesterday, and I know he's not gonna be happy when he finds out you're still And that is an example of the kind of noise we don't wanna hear anymore.
I hope you got that straight, because I don't wanna have to come up here Dude, she's gone.
Oh, no! I am so screwed right now.
When she gets angry, I mean, she's like a raving Dude, she's back.
Angel.
She's like a raving angel.
Hey, baby, let's go.
I know wives everywhere are sick of hearing this from their husbands, and it may sound trite, but thanks for not pressing charges.
No problem.
I didn't think it was gonna take you so long to clear it up, but I guess you were coming down from those painkillers, so Sure.
That's what it was.
Well, anyway.
Listen, I had a I had a lot of time to think while I was in lockup.
You were in the nurses' break room.
With a vending machine that only took exact change, so it might as well have been prison.
Look, they fingerprinted me.
Wash that off, please.
I don't wanna wake up with ink all over my boobs.
Aye, aye, matey.
Anyway, listen, I was thinking that at the very least I should, uh, let you choose which side of the bed you want.
Oh, well, I'll take my old side.
Better to lose a little sleep than the other eye.
Hey, I'll tell you what.
I will set the, uh, clock for the real time that I have to get up.
Thank you.
So I guess no more acting like Jen and Adam, huh? Well, there is one more thing of theirs that I would like to try.
Huh? Welcome to Thunderdome.
On second thought, take out the other eye.
So I guess the silver lining is, uh, free Jell-O.
Nice.
Here's your phone, sir.
Ah.
Oh.
They didn't have it in red? Timmy, come here.
Yes, sir? Don't forget your bathroom.