Rules of Engagement s05e04 Episode Script

Jeff, I found two empty beer cans in the trash.
Alright you keep up the good work I'll get you your own shopping cart.
Jeff, these were in our trash, as opposed to the recycling bin.
And you didn't rinse them.
When I finish a beer, the can is pretty clean.
Don't do it for the planet.
Just do it 'cause I asked you to, and I'm your wife For now.
Okay, you're right.
From now on, I'll do a better job handling the cans.
On that subject, why don't you shuttle those puppies over here.
BoyI wish I was wearing sneakers so I could get to you faster.
Well, to save you the trouble of changing your footwear Oh, yeah, 'cause I was going to.
The big dog will come to you.
Great read on the situation, honey.
I gotta go.
Oh, come on.
You said you didn't even want to go to this thing.
Stay home.
We'll go a few rounds.
Oh, Mr.
Shakespeare, you and your love sonnets.
It's part your fault for getting all dolled up and looking so hot.
That was really sweet.
Not as sweet as-- no, no.
Let me leave on that.
Oh, come on! UhhReally? Ah, ah, ah Oh, hey.
What are you doing back? I broke my heel.
I'm already late, and it's just drinks with the girls.
I'm just not gonna go.
Oh, that's too bad.
You got all dolled up for nothing.
Well, it doesn't have to be for nothing.
Like you said, I'm looking hot.
You're clearly interested.
How 'bout we light some candles, open a bottle of wine, and take this to the bedroom? OhToo late.
What? Well, after you left, I Took matters into my own hands.
Seriously? Yeah.
In the time it took me to take the elevator to the lobby and back? Yeah.
That was maybe three minutes.
If you say so.
Oh, my toast.
How many ways to say I love you? how many ways to say that I'm not scared with you by my side there is no denying that I can't wait for me and you so you go with toast right after? Yes.
And how 'bout you? I usually just throw down a few aspirin for my carpal tunnel.
Would you two animals just order? Uh, I'll just have a bagel.
Cheese omelet, whole wheat toast.
You're not getting any toast.
Misters Dunbar, Bingham.
Hey, mowgli, where's baloo? Ha, you're Indian.
A racist spin on a Disney classic.
Well done, sir.
Now, this is the itinerary for your trip to Miami.
Whoo.
Going to Miami.
What is it, the annual running of the skanks? Uh, no, it's fall.
The skanks are in capistrano.
This is actually a business trip.
Tim, you want to go along? Really? What's the catch? No catch, dude.
Are you in or out? Sorry, I just keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I suspect it will be a children's size 4 with a lift in it.
Ha, you're small! No, you're not my assistant on this trip.
You'd be my colleague.
No menial tasks for you, okay? Oh, well, in that case I accept.
And thank you for the opportunity, really.
Ecch! Can you pick these gross sesame seeds off my bagel? We're not on the trip yet.
SeriouslyNo toast? I saw you come out of the men's room.
I guess what's bugging me is his casual attitude.
Like he didn't care if he did it with or without me.
Well, how's the "with you" stuff going? It's good.
It's all right, I guess.
Sounds hot.
We've been married Look, it's hard to compete with the sick fantasies men have going on in their heads.
Yeah, and even when you do all the sick stuff, they still go back to their wives.
Every now and again, I give Gary something special to remind him how good the real thing is.
What I should give Jeff is sandpaper mittens.
If you want to get things back on track, you're gonna have to make an effort.
Maybe there's a little fantasy of his you could fulfill.
Oh, I'd give him his fantasy.
I can't speak for olympic gold medalist Lindsey Vonn.
All I'm saying is use your imagination.
Surprise him.
Yeah, maybe I'll give that a try.
Oh, one idea might be to invite a co-worker over to watch or participate in your lovemaking.
Asked and answered.
Hey, Jeff, it's Audrey.
Listen, I was thinking, why don't you come over to my office today for lunch? Yes, Audrey Bingham.
Oh I've always dreamed of traveling first class, sir.
It's even better than I imagined.
Of course it is.
You're used to riding on top of a train with a goat under each arm.
Oh What's in the bag? Oh, my lunch, sir.
Timmy, they have good food in first class.
It's not like that slop they serve back to the losers in coach.
Have a nice flight.
I happen to have certain dietary restrictions, sir, and I was concerned they may not have a gluten-free option.
Whoa, did you hear that? Did a bird fly in the engine? A goose? No.
Was it a duck? No, it was just the door closing, sir.
We're getting ready to take off.
Oh, boy.
Okay.
Mm, mm, mm.
Yes, yes.
Heh Is everything all right, sir? What, did you see another goose? No, there's no goose.
Why are you so agitated, sir? Well, the truth of it all is, uh, I'm not a great flier.
Half the reason I brought you here was to kind of help me through the flight.
What's the other half? The flight home.
Statistics show that flying is, in fact, the safest means of transportation, sir.
Yeah, yeah.
You know what, you're right.
This is silly.
There you go, sir.
I think I'm gonna be okay.
Flight attendants, prepare for takeoff.
Okay Aah, this is it! I can't take it! We will for sure die! You're all dying! Hey.
Hey.
There's my man.
Mmm Thanks for inviting me to lunch.
Sorry about my breath.
I had a bag of corn nuts on the way over.
Let me guessRanch? First bag was.
Up next, Chile picante.
All right, why don't we put those away? Why? What are you thinking for lunch? Oh, I have a lot of thoughts.
In fact, let's start-- Audrey, we need you in the conference room.
Really? Right now? It'll just take a minute.
All right.
I'll be right back.
Hi, Jeff.
Oh, hey, Jill.
It's Tracy.
Oh, did you get married? Tim.
Timmy.
Timmy! Timmy! So much for letters to Juliet.
Timmy, flying is wrong.
It doesn't make sense.
This thing's too big to be in the air.
I don't understand.
Sir Sir, would you feel better if I explained speed, lift, and wind theory to you? No, no, no.
No, the only theory I understand is that things fall.
Sorry.
Everyone had to sing happy birthday to Ellen.
You hate her.
I just mouthed the words.
Take that, Ellen.
Anyway, I managed to wrestle a little cake away from her.
She is not small.
Mm.
We can have this after lunch.
Or we can have it after something else.
Seriously? Yeah.
In here? You like that, don't you? I do.
Too late.
Again? Your timing's not great this week.
Why on earth would you do that? Well, you were kissing me, and you have that private bathroom.
So every time I leave you alone, you just immediately attack yourself? Not every time.
What about after I left for the gym this morning? Look, maybe this is a discussion for another day.
I can't believe-- I can't believe you would do that in my office! Isn't it nice? After all these years I can still surprise you.
Look, you're the one who lured me to your place of business for sex.
That's pretty unprofessional.
Oh, and what you just did is gonna land you on the cover of forbes.
You should have led with the nooner info, and I might have waited.
Might have? So you don't care whether it's you alone or us together.
No, of course I would prefer if it was you.
In fact, you were in my fantasy.
Was I? Yes.
Unzipping Lindsey Vonn's parka.
If Lindsey switches to velcro, you wouldn't need me at all.
No, someone would still have to take off her-- wait, what the hell are we even talking about here? Look, I would just like to think that sex with me is a better option than sex alone.
And lately, it doesn't seem that way.
I always give you first shot before I get ready to rumble.
Yes, but first shot is usually, "wanna go a few rounds?" Should we go back to, "gentlemen, start your engines"? It's not about the sport, Jeff.
I would just like you to try a little harder before you throw in the towel.
Okay, I'm sorry.
Maybe I've gotten a little lazy in the romance department.
Well, to be fair, I guess we can both make more of an effort.
Which is why I invited you here.
It's too bad we got cake-blocked by Ellen the hutt.
I'm gonna make more of an effort starting right now.
Knock knock.
Oh, I heard Jeff was here.
No.
Get out.
Oh, okay.
Sir, just last month you flew to Las Vegas for the adult video awards.
How did you manage that? I don't know, triumph of the human spirit.
I wish Helga was here.
Your childhood nanny? She used to fly with me, and she'd make sure everything was okay.
Tell me, how'd she do that? She sang me show tunes.
I'm not singing show tunes.
Fine.
I'm gonna tell the stewardess I saw you trying to light your shoe.
Why--why would you do that, sir? Because then they'll land the plane to arrest you, and I'll walk off-- it's a perfect plan.
Your perfect plan involves me being waterboarded? No, no, no, you'll probably just be deported.
What are you doing with matches, foreign-looking person? The sun will come out tomorrow bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow there'll be sun tomorrow, tomorrow I love you, tomorrow you're only a day away hi there, pretty lady.
And who might those be for? For you, just for being you.
'Cause I'm romantic like that.
Thank you.
You see, your hands can be used for other things.
And they're about to be.
Ooh, yeah Ooh I'd love to wrap this up before the game starts.
Um, thank you for the flowers, babe, but I'm not sure you really understand this whole making-an-effort thing.
I got you flowers.
Yes, but the only reason you got them is to get sex.
That's why every guy buys flowers.
It's sexual currency, Aud.
I mean, I could have just given you the 15 bucks, but you'd be insulted, right? Put your wallet away! Look, instead of thinking, "how do I get sex?" Try thinking, "how do I show Audrey I care?" Well, if you look down, there is some pretty compelling evidence.
You know what Forget it.
I'm gonna go Wash my face.
I'm sorry, buddy.
Demons will charm you with a smile for a while but in time Nothing can harm you not while I'm around yes! Yes! OhThank you.
Really.
Ever so kind.
So glad you enjoyed it.
UmFeeng any better now, sir? Yes.
You're my new Helga.
Oh, thank you, sir.
I know those are big lederhosen to fill.
Now, why don't you relax while I enjoy a well-deserved meal.
Aah, the bump, bump, bumpy Not to worry, sir.
Not to worry.
Just a minor air pocket.
You know, it certainly was a circuitous route to this point, but for the first time, I feel I've earned a measure of your respect.
I stand corrected.
You're emptying the dishwasher.
Oh, are they dirty? Sorry.
No, no, they're clean.
Thank you.
Sure.
Is that your third beer? Uh, fourth.
I had a tallboy on the subway.
Add that to the list of things I'm sorry about.
No, no, you don't need to be sorry.
I just noticed there were two cans in the recycling bin.
And you rinsed them.
Well, we don't want to get beer rats.
That's how you want me to do it, right? Yes.
You listened to me.
Thank you.
Mm! It happened.
That's for rinsing out the beer cans? Mm, and the flowers, and emptying the dishwasher.
It's all part of making an effort.
Oh, okay, I get it.
So all you're asking for is a little bit of this.
And Stop teasing.
Oh That's it, I have to have you now.
Oh.
Hold on, I haven't finished my chores.
Uh Well, that's just Unsanitary.
Wow, that was good.
Logging that one up here for future use.
Thank you.
That's creepily flattering.
I feel like I was a little quicker than maybe I would have liked, or perhaps you would have liked.
Come on, Jeff, it was great.
Are you sure? 'Cause I'd be happy to take you for another spin if you want.
That's nice, but Too late.
What? Oh My toast.
Thank you again, sir, for a wonderful weekend.
There you go.
Mm Ooh.
It was my pleasure, Timmy.
You know, I've been thinking about music for the way home.
And after Miami, I'm kind of in the mood for some fiddler.
Might be fun.
Oh, that won't be necessary, sir.
I'm quite confident this will be a much smoother trip.
Why is that? You see, the thing is I was able to procure some very powerful sedatives.
Excuse me? Did you dose me? What did you put in the champagne? Nothing in yours, sir.
Have a nice flight.
No, Timmy.
Timmy Wake up! Flight attendants, prepare for takeoff.
No! No! Is that a goose? Timmy?