Rules of Engagement s05e23 Episode Script

Oh, the tv guy is gonna be at the apartment between 2:00 and 5:00.
Why are we fixing that tv again? Let's just get a new one.
And that's why I'll be at my job until I'm 115 years old.
Well, I can't be home.
I'm working.
Well, nobody'll notice if you run out for a bit.
Yes, they will.
Well, I didn't even know you had a job.
All right, I gotta go.
Once again my scrambled eggs come at too high a price.
Yeah, I know.
They're like six bucks all of a sudden.
I thought I was the only one who noticed.
Mm, way too high a price.
What's her problem? Ah, we're mad about eggs.
What's up with you? Oh, I'm just on my way to break up with Liz.
You're still with that weird cat lady? Every time he tries to end it, they wind up sleeping together.
What is wrong with you, man? No, no, no, no.
This time I dump her, she cries, everybody goes home happy.
And what makes you think it's gonna work this time? I'll field this one.
Today I am accompanying him.
My task? Prevent him from having sex, a job normally handled by his personality.
Oh.
I'm gonna go set the world straight, get rid of Liz, go back to dating models.
And by "models," he means model number 114 from the just add air catalog.
I got her so I could drive in the carpool Lane.
The fact that one thing may have led to another is neither here nor there.
All right, listen, you hang back here.
But if Liz goes nuts and gets all grabby, you pull me to safety, all right? You're ending a casual relationship.
You're not the Beatles landing in America.
I kind of am.
Hi, Russell.
Hey, Liz.
Listen, babe.
I gotta tell you something.
You're not gonna like it.
Might wanna sit down.
Get on with it.
I'm getting a draft up my nightie.
Liz, I'm here to break up with you.
Keep it together.
Why? Because I'm better than you.
Be strong.
You might need one of these.
Well, okay.
Oh, sinus infection.
Very viscous.
I'll take your word for it.
Liz, I know you're hurting right now.
You're hurting very badly, and I know there's nothing you'd like more than to feel my hot body pressed up against-- Everything all right, lizzy? Yes, uh, be right there, lover.
Oh, hey.
Russell, right? Yeah.
Hey That's my robe.
It's the guest robe.
Are we done here? Hey.
Check out what I just bought.
Is this gorgeous or what? The leather is very soft.
Has our pension been compromised? It has not, because I got a raise.
Oh, what Thought I deserved a little something.
Great! Still, when I think "little," I imagine a candy bar or perhaps a rubber ball.
Well, you will rethink that once you see my new paycheck.
Wow.
You must make better coffee there than you do here.
Ha ha ha.
No, it's from bringing in so much new ad revenue for the website.
Well, look at you, workin' girl.
Tennies on the subway, pumps at the office.
Yeah, we are both killing it now.
We're a power couple.
We're like Brad and Angelina.
No, not exactly.
I mean, with my commission and bonuses, I'm still pulling in way more than you, so Okay.
It's not a competition.
I'm just saying we're a little less Brad and Angelina, a little more tom Hanks, Rita Wilson.
Wow.
What? It actually bothers you.
You're actually threatened by this.
Uh, no, it doesn't.
That--that's ridiculous.
I'm gonna grab a drink.
You know what? When you get a raise, we celebrate, and I'm happy for you.
I don't call you Rita Wilson.
Well, that is because I am affable everyman tom Hanks.
You know what? Forget it.
And for the record, I'm fine with you treating yourself to the purse.
You're fine with it? Yeah! I'm fine with it.
Oh, it doesn't matter if you're fine with it.
I was fine with it, so I bought it.
Period.
Okay.
And guess what? I'm fine with that.
No, the point is, it doesn't matter if you're fine.
Oh, if you are gonna be so pig-headed and disrespectful, I'll just keep this for myself.
I'll do whatever I want with it.
I'm fine with that too.
It doesn't matter if you're fine, okay? It's happening because I decided it's what I wanna do.
- Fine.
- Oh - Mm-hmm.
- This place is so fancy.
It's nice not to eat at the diner for once.
I don't even wanna know what this place charges for eggs.
Boy, you know what? My engagement ring is really loose.
Maybe I lost a couple pounds.
I don't think so.
Here, let me get it resized for you.
Oh! Oh.
There you go.
Oh, my goodness! A proposal! Get them some champagne on the house.
- Uh, wait.
- And cake.
Ooh, cake? Jennifer Morgan, I love you.
Will you marry me? I will! So, did you do it? Yes, sir, I tailed Liz and Todd all day.
It's scary how good my stalking skills have gotten since I've been in your employ.
It's driving me crazy.
Why is Liz picking that guy over me? So, what'd you find out? Okay.
Todd gluck.
Financial planner.
Weight watcher since 1997.
And? And I can tell you that Todd and Liz enjoyed an afternoon in the park.
They had a picnic.
They challenged their minds.
And they did some exercising.
Oh, come on, that stuff doesn't help me.
Hey, by the way, did you, uh-- did you get a chance to attain the other information I requested? Yes.
Uh, because you insisted, I followed Todd into the men's room.
I had to be extra careful, as it seems many men had followed other men into this particular park restroom.
In any case, I knew I had a job to do.
And? It's normal.
You have to be more specific, all right? Let's try to get a baseline here, all right? Take a look.
Stop, stop.
There really is no need for that.
Suffice it to say, it's well within the ballpark of reasonable penises.
Bet you got season tickets to that ballpark, don't you, Tim, huh? Really? After the day I've had? What is it then if he's not working a big rig? What do you think? Is he--is he classier than me? Oh, impossible, sir.
Well, then, if it's not how big it is, maybe it's how he uses it.
You gotta spy on them having sex.
Okay.
This may seem like an arbitrary line in the sand, but I'm going to say no to being a peeping tom.
Oh, look who no longer wants to learn about commercial real estate.
Sir, you wanted her out of your life.
- Eh.
- She's out.
Let it go, shake it off, and move on.
Is that what the guys in your bathroom said? - Oh, hey, babe.
- Um What is that, and, uh, what is he doing? He's installing our new tv.
Bought it with my money.
You didn't.
Mm, but I did.
Audrey, the tv is my thing.
That would be like me buying a new one of these and not consulting you.
It was time for a new tv, Jeff.
The picture's fantastic! Come look.
Did you at least get it on sale? - Oh, don't worry about it.
- Oh, God! Tell me you at least went to a place with "crazy" in the name.
Crazy Larry's or crazy bill's.
Their mental illness spells big savings.
This was my purchase, Jeff, and I am not gonna answer any of your condescending questions or show you receipts.
Oh, receipts plural.
You fell for the extended warranty.
How many times do I gotta tell ya That's how they get ya.
I'm a grown woman, Jeff.
I know how to buy things.
Did you at least trade in our old television for some cash back? I donated it to charity.
Okay, I had that coming.
Seriously, what'd you do with it? I'm all done here.
Did you want me to go over how to work the remote with you again? No.
I'm fine.
Okay.
I see what you're doing.
Before you go The delivery charge is already included.
Oh, but I'd like to give him a little something for his time.
I gotta go lay down.
Boy, can you believe it? Four bucks for a latte? Yeah, I, uh-- I wouldn't worry about it.
Come on! Jennifer Morgan.
There are two things that I love in this world.
Uh, you and coffee.
Honey, I can't wake up without either of you.
You're a crazy person.
I'm crazy for you, baby.
Will you marry me? TskSure.
Oh! Oh, mm.
Congratulations.
Coffee's on us today.
- Thank you.
- Now, that's really sweet, but, you know, it wouldn't really be a celebration without some scones.
You know, when you invited me over to watch tv, I didn't agree to this.
Why are you boycotting that nice one out there? Audrey's trying to stick it to me.
By buying you a giant flat screen with her own money? That's right.
All I know is two dudes shouldn't be laying in bed together watching the mentalist.
By the way, how did Liz take getting dumped? - Oh, did you talk to Timmy? - No.
Oh, she took it hard.
Rough.
Hey, it's good to have you back, buddy.
Yeah.
I wonder how she's recovering.
You ever see her around the building? All the time.
She's right upstairs, so there's always some plumbing issue that she's putting us through.
Yeah, yeah.
She's got that gluten allergy she refuses to deal with.
Want a beer? Uh, no, thanks.
You know, with all this, I think I better stay sharp.
- Russell? - Nope.
Well, wait.
What are you doing out there? Oh, me? I'm just having a smoke.
You know, checking out the birds.
Typical fire escape stuff.
It's freezing out there.
Liz isn't home.
Why don't you come on in? Ah, no, no, no.
I couldn't.
I couldn't impose on your privacy.
You're watching a half-naked guy do push-ups.
It's already weird.
All right.
So, what's going on, Russell? You don't have any cigarettes, and I know there aren't any birds out there, 'cause I got lizzy one of those wooden owls.
Uh, here's the thing.
Um, I need to know how you got Liz.
What sort of crazy sex acts are about to go down in here? Excuse me? What, are you gonna do the, uh, arctic tornado maybe? The dirty debutante, huh? You gonna get rough? I'm gonna get rough if you keep up with the potty mouth.
I'm sorry.
I just I just can't figure out why Liz chose you over me.
Look, here-- here's the deal.
I think Liz likes that I listen to her.
- Mm.
- We talk about her hopes and her dreams, and when I'm with her, she knows I feel like the luckiest guy in the world.
Wow! So, you're just a sensitive gentleman who puts her needs first? That's it.
Oh, well, that's a relief.
I thought it was something I could change, like weiner size, but there's no surgery that can make me lame.
All right.
Well, thanks, buddy.
Hey, Adam, what's up? Nothing much.
Just went to the market with Jen.
Got some free groceries.
Hey, look at that tv.
Oh, nice, huh? Yeah! Hey, you know, Jen and I are looking to get a new tv.
You mind if I ask you some questions about yours? - Sure.
- Oh, great.
Um, where did you get it? How much did you pay for it? And, um Uh Did you get the extended warranty? You know what? I'm gonna answer your questions in just a minute.
Oh, damn it! What is the matter with you? You broke my ear.
I barely tapped it, you big baby.
Why does it bother you so much that I bought a tv? 'Cause men are supposed to purchase electronics.
Oh.
Like how men are supposed to earn more money? - Yeah.
- Ah-ha! It does bother you that I make almost as much.
No, no, it doesn't--not.
Rita Wilson.
Aw, man, you know, I--I love Rita Wilson.
Hey, did you guys see sleepless in Seattle? Get out! Well, I--I own the DVD.
I--I'm gonna bring it over later.
I know you are hardwired to think a certain way, but how have you turned us having more money into a bad thing? I I know.
Look, this is new territory for me.
And I just like being the guy who takes care of you.
And I love that about you, but part of that is supporting me and--and making me feel good when I'm successful.
I get that, and I am proud of you.
You know that.
Thank you.
God, I knew that was in there somewhere.
I just had to hit you in the head with a door to get it out.
I am so full.
Did you just unbutton your pants? I did.
I love you.
Pay the check.
Let's go home.
All right, I'm on it.
Come on, Adam! It's starting to feel like we're stealing.
But everyone gets so happy when there's a proposal.
Well, people get happy when they see kittens.
We're not gonna start carrying those around.
I do have those cargo pants.
- May I take this? - Uh, hold on.
Jennifer Morgan You are a safe harbor for my ship to dock in the night.
What? Will you marry me? No, I won't.
I can't do this anymore.
Oh, my God, sir.
I am so sorry.
Thanks.
No, no, no, no.
Dinner's on us tonight.
Really? I guess it's only fair after what happened to me in your restaurant.
Look at that.
The reds, Greens, and blues are all so true.
The truest.
All right, come on, where did you get it? Crazy monty's in paramus.
- New Jersey? - No sales tax.
I know.
I buy my socks there.
It gets better.
How is that possible? Oh, two words-- floor model.
I have never loved you more.
Can I? Okay, put on the game.
I bet it's incredible.
Yeah.
Um, about that You can't work the remote, can you? Might as well be flying a spaceship.