Rules of Engagement s06e04 Episode Script

Hey, your wife's here.
Oh, ugh.
There you are.
I've been calling you all morning.
I know, I saw it was you so I didn't answer.
To get me here in the flesh? Très romantique.
- Scooch over.
- No, no.
Booth's full.
Well, then I'll just have to sit on your lap.
Oh, gross.
Oh, we're still in the honeymoon phase, are we? Hey, Timmy, did you do everything I told you to do? Yes, Mrs.
Dunbar.
I booked the cars, reserved the rooms, and personally brought all your cats to the kennel.
Oh.
FYI be careful.
Tiffy needs her claws clipped.
Yes, thank you.
I appreciate the timeliness of that information.
Are you taking orders from Liz now? Yes, it's quite a bit more work, but on the bright side, there's no additional pay.
So everything's all set for the weekend.
Hey, I don't want to go to Vermont to look at leaves.
Leaf-watching in Vermont Sounds fun, buddy.
Well, don't laugh, Jeffrey.
You and Audrey are coming.
Ha! Oh Oh, and, Timmy, you're driving.
Well, I've got to go.
I promised I'd put in an hour at the cat shelter.
No, no, hey.
Please do not bring another cat home to my apartment.
I won't.
I'll bring one back to our apartment.
Toodles.
Oh, that'll be our cat's new name Toodles! She's a nightmare.
Damn it, that lady can name a cat.
Sir, you must end this.
Look, it was hilarious when you were miserable, but now it's affecting me.
Were you not just here? I'm trying.
I keep saying it.
She doesn't listen.
That's what divorce lawyers are for.
If you need a referral, just go to Audrey.
She's been collecting their business cards for years.
Well, instead of watching football, I get to go to stupid Vermont, so Thank your dumb wife.
What kind of lame ass wants to drive up three hours to look at leaves? Hey, hey.
Liz just invited us to go check out the leaves.
This is gonna be epic.
How do you figure? What, you guys aren't into leaf-peeping? Nut up, bros.
Nut up.
No running.
No, don't worry, Mr.
and Mrs.
Dunbar.
I've got it.
You're fine.
Timmy, did you have to drive so windy? In order to stay on the windy road, yes.
But believe you me, I would've been more than happy to drive straight into the nearest tree.
I would've voted for that.
You shouldn't have agreed to this weekend without asking me.
I thought it was a no-brainer.
Oh, so you didn't involve me because that would've added a brain.
You know, I envy you guys.
I mean, you've never leaf-peeped with the a-man before.
You're gonna remember this weekend.
Not if this place has a bar.
Well, I am looking forward to this, Adam.
I miss nature.
There's nature in New York.
Hm, yeah, if you think nature is watching a rat and a pigeon fight over a condom.
Well, who won? Welcome, folks.
I'm Henry.
I'm leading a group on a nature walk in about half an hour, if anyone's interested.
Oh, that sounds fantastic.
Yeah, thanks, Hank, but I think I got this one.
Okay, let me know if there's anything I can do for you.
Pushy, huh? All right.
Drop the bags off and meet back here in 20 minutes.
I'll brief you on the peeping plans, and I'll divvy up the gorp.
All right? Hands in.
Okay, I'm out.
So what are you going to do instead? Well, I'm gonna go into town, peep a movie.
- I'll see a movie with you.
- What, really? - You're bailing on the hike? - Yes.
Hey, Aud, you want to come? Uh, no, no.
I-I-I'm going with Adam.
Yeah, you guys enjoy your movie.
That's right.
That's right.
More beautiful leaves for us to see.
Actually, it doesn't change the number of leaves, but Yeah, well, I'm going to take a rain check myself.
The drive up here was not kind to my tummy, thanks to Mr.
toad's wild ride.
Hmm, seems like an appropriate way to thank someone for both driving and paying for gas.
Oh, speaking of gas, Timmy.
Be a lamb and go get me some Imodium - And something for the nausea.
- Mm-hmm.
Hey, Liz, if you're out of commish, maybe I'll go hit that movie with Jeff and Jen.
No.
I need you to come to the room and hold me while I lay down.
Double down on that barf medicine, will you, Timmy? Hey.
Oh, hey, hey.
I-I'm just so glad someone came with me.
Oh, come on.
We don't need anybody else.
Why don't you get into your hiking gear, and we'll get going.
Uh, this this is my gear.
Seriously, for a hike? Uh, I'm sorry, did they change hiking, or is it still just walking outside? Audrey, the keys to a successful hike are multiple layers and staying hydrated.
Okay? Please tell me you have a hydration system.
Yeah, yeah.
Not really much of a system, now, is it? This is a system.
Want to hit this? I don't.
All right, then Let's go crush some foliage.
I wonder if I can still catch that movie.
Oh, hi.
Would it be all right if I use that computer? Oh, yes, of course.
Mr.
Bingham, right? Yeah, Jeff.
Nice to meet you.
I'm Enid.
I spoke with your wife, Audrey, earlier.
She's a lovely woman.
She's all right.
I'll just swipe you in with my key card.
Attached to the old antler there.
Hey, do you know what the name of that movie theater was we drove by on the way up here? The riviera.
You know what it used to be? No.
Riviera now playing Huh.
Charlize Theron Pictures of Charlize Theron Ooh, I don't mean to alarm you, Charlize, but it seems that your top fell off.
Oh, my God, pop-ups.
No porn, no porn.
Ugh, I'm in a "pornado.
" Go away.
Go away.
Frozen? Is everything okay? Yeah, it's all good.
Do you know where the computer part to this thing is, cause I'm done, so I'd like to turn it off.
Okay, the computer's here under my desk.
But we don't have to turn it off.
I can just come over and swipe you out.
No, no, no, just stay.
Sit.
Stay.
Sir? What are you doing here? I thought you were supposed to be up in the room, cuddling the missus.
Uh, I finished.
What do you mean you You had sex with her? What choice did I have? To not have sex with her.
Ah, we're on vacation.
Bravo, sir.
Anyway, I found Mrs.
Dunbar's medications, although not before getting some delightful comments about my ethnicity from a pickup truck full of local teens.
I'm telling you, I can't take this Liz insanity anymore.
You can't? She's making my life a living hell.
I think we both know what needs to be done.
Sir, you're not suggesting we kill Liz? Of course not, Timmy.
We would never do that.
Sir, we can't kill anyone.
Nertz.
Here, give this to your wife.
If I go in there, she'll just give me another foul task.
No, no, no.
It's your turn.
I just finished my foul task.
You're married to a woman you find so repellent, you won't even go give her medication? Well, I did just give her an Injection.
Come on.
Focus, sir.
This marriage will not go away unless you end it once and for all.
Just march up there, dig deep, and summon all the backbone you can.
You make an excellent point, Tim.
Maybe it's time to Is that a possum? Wow, it is so gorgeous out here.
Uh-huh, keep pace.
Ah, hydration break.
Can't you walk and hydrate at the same time? It's a recipe for cramps.
Keep asking questions.
That's how you learn.
- Mm.
- It's a recipe for cramps.
Ah, you look so beautiful up here, Audrey.
Ah, even this little sapling is getting into the spirit.
It's saying, "I may not be big, but I can change colors, too.
" Oh, wait.
I don't think that's a sapling.
W-w-what's that saying? If it has three leaves, I don't think you're Another teachable moment.
Um, it's "leaves of three, let it be.
" It refers to poison Ivy.
Now, I'm pretty sure this is a spruce, but the one thing I can't quite figure out is why it's making my hands burn.
Oh, my hands my hands are burning like crazy.
I can't believe I touched poison Ivy.
I can't believe you punched it afterwards.
Let's just head back to the lodge and get you treated.
We're nowhere near the lodge.
You're the one who wanted to take the long loop.
Okay, little confession.
There is no long loop.
For the last half hour, we've been totally lost.
Super.
Well, let's head this direction, and don't touch anything else, or it'll spread.
Uh-oh.
What? I have to pee.
You're kidding.
Can you help me? How? You know - Take it out.
- Oh No, I'm not going to take it out! Well, I can't touch it, or I'll get poison Ivy down there.
And then then Jen will get it.
Why would Jen be touching it if you have poison Ivy? She gets pretty horny.
Hey.
Ready to go to the movie? I can't.
I ran into a little Little problem.
Oh, my God.
Seriously, here? It just popped up, and, uh And now it's frozen.
- Shut if off, and let's go.
- I can't.
The computer's underneath that sweet old lady's desk.
If I leave, she's going to know I did it.
What are you going to do? Hey, if you get her out of the room, I can go turn this off.
How am I supposed to get her out? Tell her cocoon is playing at the riviera.
Fine.
Hi.
So I was wondering if perhaps there is a story behind that rocking chair on the porch.
Why, yes, there is.
It's fascinating.
Come on, I'll tell you.
Great.
Okay, girls, now we can go on the computer and look up all the birds we saw.
Still using it! Sorry.
I'm sorry.
Well, that's okay.
We'll just wait.
Man.
Just working on some high-end business stuff, so - Probably going to be a while.
- Oh, that's fine.
They need to learn patience.
Let's hope that's all they learn.
Oh, good.
You got my medicine.
Hey, have you seen Russell? After we made love, I fell asleep.
And then when I woke up, he was gone, so I thought maybe he was out bragging about his conquest.
I don't know.
I have to go.
Oh.
Can you do me a favor? I have a lot of dead skin on my back.
Could you be a lamb and just slough it off for me? Is that a possum? Oh, wait, Timmy.
Before you go, can I ask you something Something that might be uncomfortable? I think you just proved that you could.
I don't think that Russell is as into this marriage as I am.
Does he ever talk about it? It comes up.
I mean, when I hear him say things like, "I want a divorce," and, "you disgust me" I don't know I start to feel like Maybe something's wrong.
Well, um You two did rush into it.
I know.
I guess I was just so in love with the idea of having a husband, I didn't spend the time to find someone that wanted to be with me.
Hmm.
Perhaps it's time to admit that this was a mistake and move on.
I don't know if I could stand being alone again.
I could.
Look, um I'm sure there's another man out there who'd be more Appreciative of your Particular charms.
Go on.
I'm just saying I hate having to see you settle for someone who isn't quite right for you.
I understand.
Good.
I'm glad, because I genuinely do believe that No, no.
That's not what I meant.
Well, don't play coy now, my little cocoa stallion.
Ah, I can't believe I'm in this mess with Liz.
I can't believe I let her drag me up here to crappy Vermont to look at dumb leaves on stupid trees.
Oh, yeah.
Everyone's looking at you now 'cause you're so pretty.
You're just going to fall off the tree and die on the ground.
Hey, wait a minute.
Am I going to end up alone Like a dead leaf? I mean, they're only alive when they're connected to the tree.
Is Liz my tree? This kind of feels like her back.
Maybe there's a reason I haven't gotten out of this yet.
Maybe I just need to give this a real shot.
Maybe it's time to finally grow up.
Oh, my God, those squirrels are doing it! Hey, everybody! And that's the story of how we got our rocking chair.
Ebay, huh? I did not see that coming.
What the hell is going on? I was going to turn it off, but then they came in.
Listen, as fun as this is to watch, - I'm going to go see the movie.
- Wait.
I got a new plan.
But I'm going to need your help.
Sit down and pretend to type.
- What are you going to do? - I can't explain.
But trust me, this is going to work.
You know, I don't think it was your turn.
These girls have been waiting a long time.
Oh, no, I'm just using until my friend comes back.
I don't think he's coming back.
Oh, thank God we found the trail.
Okay, sign says the lodge is this way.
Okay, okay.
Look, I'm not gonna make it.
You got to help me.
I'm not taking it out.
Just pull my pants down.
Absolutely not.
Just wrap your shirt around your hands and do it yourself.
I can't.
I can't.
I wiped my hands all over my shirt.
There's poison Ivy all over it.
- Hey.
Let me use your shirt.
- Oh, no way.
Please, Audrey, I'm going to explode! Jeez, I can't believe this.
Fine.
What are you doing? Still got to hydrate.
You're a married woman.
Oh, we both know my marriage is a sham.
Still, still, we absolutely cannot do this.
Come on, we're not going to make love now.
Kitty just wants to bat the ball around a little.
Liz.
I've been doing some thinking.
I know I haven't been fully committed to this marriage.
But I want to make a fresh start.
You do? I want you to be the tree to my clinging leaf.
- Oh, you got it, Buster.
- Come here.
God.
- How's it going over there? - It's not.
My hands are swollen, and I can't do the zipper.
Help me.
Help me! Oh, God.
Worst hike ever.
Every time I'm out here, I'm in awe of the beauty I see.
Okay, get them down.
Get them down.
Look, I can't wait anymore.
Hi, Hank.
How's the peeping going? All right, everyone, continuing up the trail No, no, I can't help you.
- Timmy! - Come on, seriously! Sorry.