Rules of Engagement s06e08 Episode Script

- Jeff? - Hey.
What are you doing here? I'm enjoying a cold, refreshing beverage.
We are in the middle of game night upstairs at Liz's.
- It's your turn at charades.
- I know.
The movie I got was the fugitive.
Leaving was my clue.
I made an effort, I wrote down celebrity names, I threw 'em in the bowl.
"Willy nailer" is not a celebrity.
- I know, but do you get it? - Yes, Jeff, I get it.
Yes, I got it, I got it.
God, you have always been selfish, but when did you become so anti-fun? August 12, 1995.
So now you remember our wedding date.
I mean, come on.
Charades at Liz's, you think that's fun? That's how north Korea gets information from prisoners.
You know, I am sick of your lack of effort.
You never want to go anywhere or do anything! You are zero fun.
Because everything you drag me to is boring.
Why don't you, uh, drag me to a strip club? Or, uh, a different, uh, strip club.
Oh, God.
You know what? I'm done, I'm finished.
I officially give up.
I'm going back to Liz's to have fun.
You can stay here and be a jerk.
Audrey.
Yes? They still haven't opened up that bottle of wine we brought.
- Bring it back.
- Oh, my God.
uh, Audrey, I don't know where you are, but at the diner they've got those Belgian waffles you like.
So come on down, or I could bring some up to you.
If you want.
Uh, by the way, this is Jeff.
Bingham.
She still freezing you out? Oh, two days now.
She thinks that I'm selfish and no fun.
She's just getting that? Talk about a long sink-in.
- Oh, what a tool.
- Oh, no.
Oh, what a douche.
Look at this idiot.
- What's up, dudes? - Hey, buddy.
What are you doing? Oh, no, I'm just rocking a little P.
Benatar, she helps me get my jog on.
This guy's just begging for it.
Ah, go ahead, hit me with your best shot.
- Don't do that.
- What's up with him? Audrey's still barely speaking to him.
Her default setting is mildly annoyed at me, but this feels different.
Well, love is a battlefield.
I mean, at least when she yells at me, I can yell back.
But, uh, you know, now she's all quiet and checked out.
Yeah, congratulations, you broke her spirit.
This is not a good thing.
So how are you gonna fix it? I don't know, I'm not sure I've got that club in my bag.
Maybe it's time to call it quits, you know, move on to wife number two.
Nah, not that bad, but I may have to do something I've never done before.
May have to make an effort.
- Whoa.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, come on.
Just put the brakes on it.
I'm gonna figure out a way to show her that I'm fun, and that I'm not selfish.
Hey, you know what's worked for me in the past? Two words, Jeff.
Scavenger hunt.
- Mm.
- What? Scav it up, bro.
Dude, give her a bunch of clues to lead her on this cool, fun adventure all over the city.
Ladies love it.
Scav, dude.
It works with the chicks.
I usually send a girl a drink, which leads her to getting drunk, which leads her to my beddy-bye.
Which leads her to the free clinic.
It's good, it's good because you make the clues personal, you know, with stuff from your relationship.
Shows you've been paying attention.
That sounds super gay.
- I was just trying to - No, no, no.
Super gay may be what's called for here.
Audrey loves that kind of thing.
Ooh, all right.
Oh, sweet.
I get an alert every time a new celebrity sex tape drops.
Ooh, this is a good one.
Who is it? I think it's the local weather chick.
Ooh.
Looks like she's got a high-pressure system bearing down on her.
Uh, you really shouldn't watch that.
Yeah, I know, I should wait for a bigger screen, but I can't wait.
No, no, no, Russell, she doesn't want you to see that, okay? Some ex-boyfriend probably put that online, and that's just not cool.
Trust me.
Well, I seem to have struck a personal chord.
Let's just say that someone very close to me had this happen to her.
Someone close to you.
Her, her, her Jen! - Oh, my God.
- Jen! No! There's a sex tape with Jen on the Internet.
- Sex tape with Jen.
- No! No, I did not say that, okay, and there's no reason anyone should go out there looking Taxi! Hmm, called me in on a saturday, hard at work.
Must be looking at Ah, yes, pornography.
Adam let it slip that there's a sex tape of Jen somewhere online, and I'm gonna find it.
Well, she is your good friend's fiancée, so I can see how that would be appropriate.
Anyway, here's your soda, you repulsive beast.
My goodness, sir.
Oh, right, I've been at it a while.
Starting to tighten up a little bit.
Here, help me with the can.
I gotta rehydrate.
Mmm aah Okay, there's so many videos, I'm never gonna find it.
Is this the part where I give an inspirational speech to see you through your noble cause? You're right, Timmy, I can do this.
And you're gonna help.
Sir, I don't care how gnarled your hands are.
When you find the video, you're on your own.
No.
I just need you to help narrow the search.
Go talk to Jen.
Root around and find out some helpful deets.
Okay, I will.
You will? You cave in that easy? No big lecture about your stupid dignity? Ah, my dignity.
I wouldn't even recognize it if I ran into it on the street.
Hi.
So you got the scav all planned? I'm lining it up as we speak.
Sweet.
What's your launch? I'm recreating the trip to New York that Audrey and I took back in college.
Solid.
Clues start at the bar at the hotel essex.
Later to all the places that we went, and then end up in a room at the hotel du jour.
Mm-hmm.
Where, uh, we will once again destroy it.
That's some good work, my man.
And I got you these.
A bag full of rose petals.
I feel like if I accept this I'm sending you the wrong message.
No, no, it's for your launch.
Okay, spell out that first clue in these rose petals.
It's a classy touch that's led to some of my more successful scavs.
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
All right, well you should probably get outta here.
Why oh, cause Audrey's on her way home? No.
Oh, hi, Timmy.
Adam's out.
Actually, it was you I was looking for.
Oh, why? Because, uh, well, I've come to know Adam so well, it occurred to me, Ms.
Morgan, that I know so very little about you.
Where you're from, what makes you tick.
Do you know I can't even name one of your ex-boyfriends? Shameful.
Okay, what's going on? I see I've been found out.
Jennifer, please forgive me.
Russell wanted me to ply you for information regarding a certain sex tape.
What? The one an ex-boyfriend of yours put on the Internet.
Look, I don't know what you're talking about.
Why would Russell think Adam.
There's no sex tape.
I told him an ex-boyfriend made a mix tape for me.
Ah, a mistake very much in Mr.
rhodes' wheelhouse.
Now go tell that disgusting troll to call off the search.
I shall.
Although There is a far more rewarding option here.
Timmy, I like you, but we're not making a sex tape.
Sir.
Hey, there's my little brown gumshoe.
All right, what have you got? - Well, it wasn't easy.
- Mm.
And it's not much to go on.
But the man with whom Ms.
Morgan made the tape, sir, was older.
Hey, daddy issues.
- 72, to be exact.
- Whoa! Granddaddy issues.
Mm.
Well, I'm just going to have to adjust my search.
Oh! Old guy junk.
Well, I'll just leave you to your work then, shall I, sir? Aah.
Oh, no! Oh, crap.
Aah! - Hello? - Hey, honey.
Are you home yet? Uh, just about to head in.
Glad I caught you.
I know you've been bummed with me.
But I did something to make it up to you.
Really.
And I have to say It's pretty thoughtful.
Is that so.
A grand gesture that will right all the wrongs.
- What is it? - I can't say.
But, uh, I left you a little message.
A message? Wait, what are you talking about? Can't say, gotta go.
Tsk.
Ugh.
Hot sex? What an ass.
- It's Audrey.
- Okay.
Did you see the message that I left you? Yeah, I saw it.
Do you know what it means? Yeah, it's pretty clear.
- Where are you? - No, no, no, no.
You're not getting it that easy, you gotta work for it.
Work for it? - What the? - I'll see ya later.
Yeah, she's totally into it.
So, sir, still enjoying watching the aged bump wrinklies? I found it.
You found what? Jen's sex tape.
I found it, come here.
Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh, it does look a lot like her.
Mm.
- But I'm positive it's not.
- How are you positive? Well first off, this woman's hair is blonde.
Well, not all of it.
Scroll down.
Oh, dear.
Well, sir, the gentleman looks rather young.
Heh, you wouldn't call him a gentleman if you saw the whole thing.
All right, um, even so, how did you get from elderly pornography to this? That's an interesting story.
After seven punishing hours of geezer pleasers, I says to myself, I says, "what kind of old guy would Jen wind up with?" Maybe a college professor? Let's look at the facts.
Jen attended rutgers university.
I dug up her transcripts, and, by the way, ouch.
Clearly not the grades of someone sleeping with her professor.
Which, uh, led you to her - Yearbook.
- Yes, precisely.
In it I found several photos of her with a guy that were getting quite cozy.
Using facial recognition software I discovered this.
Incredible, sir.
Isn't it? Now I'll have to ask you to leave.
If you'd please lock the door behind you.
I don't want to be disturbed while I'm reviewing the data.
I got a sweet room upstairs.
Audrey's gonna go nuts.
She loves this place.
She's really dragging this out.
How long do these things usually take? Okay, well, the longest it's ever taken is, like, an hour and a half.
And let me tell you, that girl is no genius.
When she was Whoa.
I think I swallowed a toothpick.
Ugh.
I'm gonna text her, see how she's doing.
Seriously.
I mean, this is the worst he has ever been.
He says, "all wrongs will be righted.
" And then leaves me a message that says "hot sex.
" Like, what, that's going to fix everything? I don't know, sometimes it works for us.
Oh, great.
A text from him.
"What are you doing?" He wants to know what I'm doing? I'll tell him what I'm doing.
I'm about to pack a bag.
- Hey! - All right.
She must have gotten the last clue and gone home to get her stuff.
"Hurry up and get going.
" What, is he having a stroke? I don't need this.
I really am going to pack a bag.
I'm gonna stay at a hotel tonight.
Ooh, what a jerk! This is great.
I owe you, buddy.
Oh, thanks, man.
Hey, you could just get this.
Nah, I'll just owe you.
Ms.
Morgan, please believe I did everything in my power to prevent this.
- Prevent what? - Hello, Jennifer.
Are you still looking for that sex tape? No, because I already found it.
- What? - He thinks he has.
But it's clearly not you.
Oh, there's nothing clear about it.
I'm gonna ask you one question, and then I'll drop it.
- Is this you? - No! I don't believe you, and I'm not dropping it! Sir, she just confirmed it's not her.
There's only one way to know for sure.
The girl in this video has a butterfly tattoo on her Well, let's keep it classy and call it her bikini line.
Yes, let's keep it classy.
Okay, so if I take off my pants and show you that I don't have a butterfly tattoo, will that end this? That should do it.
Wait, go outside, I'll take off my pants, and then I'll signal you to come back in.
That should be acceptable.
This is great! 'Cause even if it's not her, we still get to see stuff.
Was that the signal? Ah, there she is.
Jeff, what are you doing here? At do you mean? I am your prize.
All right, I got the dude! Dude, dude, dude, what happened? Oh, you gotta clean up before Audrey gets here.
What'd you do that for? For the same reason I did this.
Please stop that, mine was top shelf.
Did Jen tell you I was coming here? No, I knew you were coming here because of the scavenger hunt.
What scavenger hunt? The scavenger hunt that you're on right now.
- I'm not on a scavenger hunt.
- Oh, the hell you're not! It's the grand, romantic gesture that I did.
Oh, spelling out "hot sex" in rose petals? What? No.
It wasn't "hot sex," it was "hotel essex.
" Some of the rose petals must have gotten, uh, moved around.
You gotta anchor 'em, buddy.
Excuse me.
And the the bartender at coughlin's was gonna send you to the hansom cab driver who was going to bring you here.
You actually remembered all those things from when we were dating? Yeah.
That was some fun stuff.
It was fun, and that's my point.
We should still be doing fun stuff.
Damn it, I knew this was going to come back to bite me in the ass.
Jeff, come on, this was really nice.
But it can't just be a one-time thing.
Of course not, but I do have to draw the line at Liz's game night.
Hmm, fair enough, it was pretty awful.
You got out before twister.
Hmm.
Everyone else learned that Liz is not a fan of underwear.
Well, from here on in, I promise to make more of an effort.
I would appreciate it.
Hey, speaking of fun stuff, you still haven't collected your prize.
Let me guess, you wanna give me my prize up in our room? Well, we could do it here, but the staff seemed pretty upset when it was just drinks flying around.
Yeah.
Let's take this upstairs.
And in the spirit of fun, I tied a ribbon around your prize.
Hmm.
Charming.
Wow, I probably should have left a little more play in that ribbon.
Hey.
Look what I found in the closet.
Oh, God.
What? I just I just forgot I had it.
Maybe we should use this next time we fool around, huh? Okay, sure.
Yeah? Hey, check it out.
I'm a surfer dude.
Does that do it for you? Yeah.
All right, cool.