Rules of Engagement s07e03 Episode Script

Ahh, this is quite the unexpected treat.
The best part is you're doing this solely out of the goodness of your own heart with no expectations of what's to follow.
Oh, you couldn't be more wrong.
I'm, uh I'm angling for sex.
Well, you could get me another glass of wine.
I could see this happening.
I should go uncork another bottle of the yes juice.
And I will be waiting right here.
Seriously, couch sex? Mm, if your quads are up for it.
You kidding? This is what we train for.
Audrey, I need to talk to you.
Oh, Liz, no, no.
It's actually not a great time Get this party started.
Oh, my God.
What the hell? There's been a death in my family.
Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry.
Who was it? My cat corny.
Cat? Don't you have, like, eight of 'em? - Well, I do now.
- That's a real bummer.
Why don't you head on out and Audrey will be able to comfort you in about five minutes.
Ten minutes.
I miss my puss-puss.
- So do I.
- Don't.
I mean, I suppose I should've seen it coming.
is a much longer nap than corny usually took, but Poor corny.
Is there a dead cat in that big? Jeff, come on, she's not insane.
I thought you'd want to say good-bye.
Oh.
I would.
Good-bye, Liz.
Jeff, your playful badinage is really a life raft of levity in my ocean of despair.
But I've come to a conclusion.
I'm gonna replace the life I lost with a new life.
You're gonna get another cat? No.
I'm gonna have a baby.
A human baby? How many ways to say I love you How many ways to say that I'm not scared With you by my side there is no denying I can't wait for me and you hey, knock, knock.
Who's there? It's Timmy.
What are you doing here, dude? You're not usually the happy hour with co-workers type.
Oh, I just thought I'd pop in and say hello.
Oh, you dirty dog.
You're after the new girl, Charlotte.
Guilty as charged, Mr.
Rhodes.
Ahh, all right.
Well, get out there.
Go over there and work it.
Oh, well I said work it.
Charlotte, hello.
Oh, hey, Timmy.
You usually don't do happy hour.
Well, I figured I was entitled to one hour of happiness today.
Ah, who ordered the ham on wry? Spelled w-r-y.
No? All right then, let me get you another glass of wine.
Excuse me.
If I could perhaps place an order for Hey, barkeep, can I get a cold one? - You got it, buddy.
- Thanks.
- Hey, Charlotte.
- Hey.
- Hey, are you thirsty? - Make it two.
A cold beer on a warm day, so good.
Am I right or am right? You know, um, that beer's actually a hefeweizen, which is German for Hey, come on, I got a table over here.
Yeast wheat.
Jeez.
Bombs away, Timmy.
What happened there? Joe happened.
Seems he's the life of the party.
Hey, you are every bit as fun and as cool Hey, Adam.
Oh, my God.
Joe's calling me over.
Wish me luck.
What are you doing? Adjusting the levels of lemon and sugar.
I like my iced tea just right.
Okay, Goldilocks.
Well, my trip to the sperm bank was a bust.
What was the problem? Well, they had a book where you look at donors' stats, like height and ethnicity, but no photos.
I mean, how do I know what these guys are really like? Ah, bunch of guys rubbing one out for cab fare, can't be a dud in the bunch.
So I got to thinking.
What about one of them I've already dated? Maybe one of them would be willing to be my baby-daddy.
Okay, Liz.
I think I know where this is headed, but I'm sorry Oh, don't worry.
I'm not asking you.
Because you knew I was gonna say no? Doesn't matter.
I'm not asking.
Well, for the record, I said no first.
To a question I didn't ask.
Okay.
You were saying? - Anyway - No.
Go on.
Anyway, one of my exes never called me back.
Another one had his phone disconnected.
And another one's brother answered and said that my ex had just died, which was spooky because his brother sounded exactly like him.
Wow.
That's bad luck.
So who did you end up finding? No one.
No one, you say? No one whose seed I'd like to plant in my uterine garden.
Oh, God.
Well, I need to figure out something and fast.
I'm pushing 40.
Sure you're not pulling it? Jeff, laugh out "l.
" Huh.
Different way to go.
Keep your phone turned on.
What's the matter, Timmy? Ah, he's bummed because he got shined by some chick at work.
Yes.
I'm afraid woe and me are one in the same.
Keep talking like that, you're never gonna get some.
Jeff, maybe Timmy's goal is not to "get some.
" I'm afraid getting some is, indeed, my goal.
Well, you know, part of the problem is you're all, "chip, chip, cheerio.
"Ooh, all's well.
Your virginity's safe with me, milady.
" He's right, if you wanna score heavy with the ladies, you gotta be an Alpha, you gotta be the big dog.
You know, a guy guy's wanna be and women wanna be with.
Are you doing a cologne ad? So um, you've seen this type of guy? I've got a mirror, don't I? Oh.
So uh, what's your secret to being an Alpha? Well, I'm a man of few words.
And this works? Ah, you're doing it right now.
Well done.
See, the less you say, the more people like you.
Mm-hmm.
I like Jeff way better when he's not talking.
Timmy, you are great.
Just be yourself.
This girl will see that.
That's a great plan if you wanna die with your hand wrapped around your business.
I don't.
I truly don't want to die with my hand wrapped around my business.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Got a package for 9a.
Really? What is it? They generally don't let us open the boxes and look.
Oh, you're welcome to stick around and find out, if you're curious.
I'm not.
Eh.
You think you're better than me, huh, box? Oh, has your mom's wedding dress arrived yet? No, but it should any day now.
Oh, I can't wait to see it.
I know.
I'm a little worried about wearing it, because it's antique and really delicate.
That dress has held up all these years.
I'm sure it'll be fine.
- Hi.
- Hi.
What are you doing? Just window.
All right.
Hey, did my dress come yet? Dress? Not that I'm aware of.
Ugh.
My mom thought it'd arrive today.
Well, sounds like your mom's a liar.
A liar? That's just what she thought.
Really? Well, maybe you guys need to get your story straight.
Anyway, gotta rip.
Dress ya later.
Hey, Timmy, what's going on? Ah, hello, cha 'Sup? Whatcha eatin'? This.
We're all going out for happy hour again, if you wanna come.
You've been really quiet today.
Are you okay? Yep.
Hey, Charlotte, Timmy, what's going on? Hey, Joe.
Wanna join us for lunch? Oh, what, in the stuffy break room? What do you say we take lunch outside? Maybe hit the park, get a little fro-yo? - That sounds fun.
- All right.
I'll go round up the troops.
Hey, Timmy, do you like frozen yogurt? Okay.
See ya later.
One day closer to the most embarrassing death ever.
Well, I've lost my faith in the Internet community.
What happened? Well, I put an ad on craigslist to see if there were any men who wanted to put a baby in me, no questions asked.
- Oh, no.
No, no.
- Oh, yes.
And this time I remembered to ask for pictures, which I got.
Oh, God.
Oh.
All I got in my inbox were a tsunami of dong pics.
Every response I click is like a church bell.
Dong.
Dong.
Dong.
Ugh.
- Dong.
- Okay, all right.
- That's enough, come on.
- Ugh.
Sorry I'm late.
Yeah, you're not, really.
All right.
So, Liz, listen.
Having a baby is a very big deal.
I mean, Jeff and I talked about it a lot.
Well, I mostly listened.
You talked about my situation? Well, yeah.
I mean, look at us.
We are having our baby in a non-traditional way, but we didn't go with a stranger.
We picked Brenda as our surrogate, someone who's already in our life, someone we know.
So you're saying I should go with someone I know? Exactly, yes.
You agree, right, Jeff? Yeah, sure.
I think I understand what you're saying.
Jeff, I would be honored to have you put a baby in me.
Ugh.
So I'm following him to your house or my house? Come on.
Aah! Drop it in your beer.
Gives it a nice little kick.
Once again, I'm at happy hour, being ignored while Joe is the life of the party for telling everyone to drop a jalapeno in their beer.
Oh, that's good.
Gives it a nice little kick.
It sounds like you gotta step up your big dog move.
'Cause when push comes to shove, the Alpha throws down his credit card.
With all due respect, I've never seen you do that.
With me, push never comes to shove.
All right, everyone.
Drinks are on me.
Timmy! Barkeep, Tequila shots for everyone.
Fun idea, Joe.
Joe! Joe! Joe! What happened? - So it's noticeable? - Yes.
Look, you gotta help me.
I mean, I guess I know some costume designers from my magazine days who could maybe do something, but it ain't gonna be cheap.
I-I don't care what it costs.
Maybe don't say that to them.
What, are you buying a clarinet? Oh, no.
So, hear you're not having too much luck in your quest for a stud.
I am not, and time's running out.
You know, I'm pushing 40.
As am I.
Anyway, I've pretty much exhausted all my options for a donor.
Oh, have you? All of them? Oh, you're right, I haven't.
Mm-hmm.
What's Timmy's cell phone number? What? Timmy? My Timmy? What are you talking about? Are you serious? What are you trying to say, little man? Not that I'd want to, but why wouldn't you ask me? Well, nothing personal, but I was just looking for someone a little more Way better than you.
I get that.
And I wanted someone with good genes.
I come from good stock.
I know.
That's why I asked your dad.
You know what? You're lucky he turned you down.
He wasn't exactly father of the year.
I don't know where he got that coffee mug.
Russell, are you volunteering to father my child? No, I'm just saying that I have thought that it might be nice to maybe have a little Russell Junior running around the world.
I am in my ovulation window.
Yuck.
Oh, what the hell? Let's go do this.
All right! Wait, did you really ask my dad? Yeah, and he said having kids was the worst thing he ever did.
Audrey, thank you.
Thank you, again.
Your friend totally fixed the dress.
You know, I had to split it over a couple credit cards 'cause my cash is all tied up in the wedding and these new hair care products I'm into, so Oh, look, I gotta go, gotta go.
Hey.
Guess what finally came.
- My wedding dress! - Yeah.
Mm, that's how you do it.
Ahh, wow, she did do a great job.
Who did? Pfft, your mom did a great job of mailing it.
I mean, it's, like, totally here.
- Mm? - Wait a minute.
This is the dress from her first marriage.
She was supposed to send the one from her second.
I'll go call her.
Wait a minute.
Wait.
So you're not gonna wear this? God, no.
It looks so cheap.
Yes, hi.
I'd like to report several stolen credit cards.
All right, big boy, you ready to do this? Oh, yes.
Me too.
Let's make a baby.
Ahh.
Well, it doesn't feel like you're ready.
Ah, Mr.
and Mrs.
Bingham.
What brings you here? Oh, Jeff just decided to take me out to dinner.
Mm, what's the occasion? Did you throw down that credit card? Yes, but I'm afraid We'd like two steaks, all the trimmings.
Put it on this guy's tab.
So how's the whole Alpha guy situation going? Not well, actually.
If you're not an Alpha, people are gonna walk all over you.
A bottle of your finest cabernet.
Same tab.
You know, Timmy, I was against this from the start.
Because I don't think you need to change at all.
I mean, if you like this girl, don't play games.
Just be yourself.
Tell her how you feel.
Thank you, miss Bingham.
You're quite right.
Pardon me.
Um, Charlotte, might I have a word, please? Oh, of course, Timmy.
I've done a lot of thinking recently about how one person conveys their feelings to another.
I've been thinking about that too.
Really? Well, um, I've come to realize that it's best to just be direct, and lay one's feelings on the line.
You know what? That makes a lot of sense.
Oh, I'm so glad to hear you say that because Joe, I really like you and was wondering if maybe you'd like to go on a date with me.
Yeah, of course I would.
Did not see that coming.
I did.
And I, uh, couldn't do it.
Turns out the old Russell muscle can't be used for good, only evil.
Are you sure that's it? Maybe it can't be used at all anymore.
Oh, yeah.
I was worried about that too, so uh, later that night I ran some diagnostics.
Ugh.
Russell.
Elizabeth.
Big news.
We're pregnant! What? No, I thought Russell couldn't Oh, I'm not pregnant, not with this wet noodle over here.
Then who's pregnant? Cotton! She's having kittens.
Cotton, wasn't that the dead one in the bag? No, Jeff, that was corny.
Keep up! No offense.
I can't believe Timmy actually died like that.
I can't believe the mortician couldn't pry his hand off it.
I can't believe they opted for an open casket.
They didn't.
I propped it open.
Hilarious.
Oh, Timmy.
Oh, Timmy.
Meow, meow.
Wow, Timmy, I always thought you were such a great Oh, Charlotte and Joe are here! - Poor Timmy.
- Yeah.
Charlotte, will you marry me? Yes!