Run the Burbs (2022) s03e02 Episode Script

Phamily Doctor

ANDREW: Tonight, the family's going to
Crouching Chicken,
Hidden Pork Asian buffet.
Ramesh, since you're new
to this Pham tradition,
I want to go over some ground rules.
I think I understand
how to go out for dinner.
First rule of Asian buffet.
No carbs!
But I like noodles.
Not at $33.99 a head, you don't.
Carbs are filler.
You like ginger beef and spareribs now.
If it bleeds
It leads.
The second rule of Asian
buffet. Plate stacking.
Fill multiple plates every time.
If you don't look like
a walking Jenga tower,
you're doing it wrong.
This saves time.
Time is money, and money is
Kids, you don't find
this all ridiculous?
I hold the buffet record
for most Peking duck
eaten in one sitting.
Not for much longer. (CRACKING JAW)
Third rule of Asian buffet
dress appropriately.
Drawstrings and micro-blends
wick away that meat sweat.
Any questions?
Is there at least a dessert buffet?
I'm so glad you asked.
ALL: No dessert!
That's more empty carbs.
Have sweet-and-sour pork.
It's dessert and meat.
The key to Asian buffet is
- Protein
- Protein
Oh, gout foot! Gout foot.
Damn you, protein.
Lie down! Lie down!
CAMILLE: I just got off the
phone with the doctor's office.
Apparently, Dr. Edmonds retired?
What? Since when?
The office said they sent
a notice two months ago.
I vaguely remember seeing a letter
and putting it in the
"to deal with later" pile.
Well, work's been hectic
for the both of us.
Some things were bound to
slip through the cracks.
Yeah, but has it been that long
since we've seen a doctor?
Yeah. I've been saving
my aches and pains
until my list got to 10. I'm at seven.
Hey. Um, does this mole look sus?
- Ew.
- Make it eight.
- Oh.
Andrew, Camille?
Since coming to learn that
I, as your house guest,
have been taking up too much space
and mouth-breathing loudly,
I've committed myself to
rectifying these issues,
and I will be paying my
own way from this day forth.
So, I will be tallying up in this ledger
everything that I use.
For instance, I just used a
capful of laundry detergent,
that means I owe you about 43 cents.
Okay, Dad. So, that's
really not necessary.
Camille, please. That is the plan.
Ramesh Devani is no mooch!
So, hear me out.
We do know a doctor.
We're not calling Dr. Bonecracker.
Why? She is your sister.
Carol used to pull my
arm out of my socket
just to practise popping it back in.
I can't do monkey bars to this day.
So, what? We just don't have a doctor.
I mean, what is this?
No call, no goodbye?
Just like, poof! He's
gone. What is this feeling?
Oh, right. This is your
first time getting dumped.
First time's the hardest.
Tenth time is also hard.
Dr. Edmonds can't just
retire and abandon me.
I mean, us. (CHUCKLING)
What are you gonna do?
Stalk the doc on social media
so I can learn his
routines and track him down.
- I love your fire so much,
even if it'll get us arrested one day.
Aha! He power walks at
the park on Tuesdays.
Well, for now, I'll
stick with tradition.
Dau xanh.
This'll last me till I
get the good painkillers.
Green oil helps everything.
Swelling, itches, tummy
aches, childhood trauma.
Oh. I thought Ông noi
and Bà noi were here.
Nope. Just your grandparents'
pungent yet wonderful smell.
My gout flare-up means that it
hurts to walk or move or exist.
Will I get gout when I'm older?
Oh, my boy.
I can see that you're worried.
Rub this on your temple.
It helps with anxiety.
CAMILLE: Um, hi. Dr.
Edmonds. Can we talk?
Camille? What are you doing here?
And how did you find me?
Don't answer.
You're under no obligation
to incriminate yourself.
Hey. How would everyone feel
about slowing down a little bit?
- Okay. You can't leave us.
- Ow!
I mean, retire.
Look at how many people retire
and then literally drop dead.
Do you want to drop dead?
No. Your life needs
structure. It needs purpose.
- We can be your purpose.
- Yes.
You continue to be our doctor,
and we continue to get prescriptions
whenever we need them.
It's win-win.
I'm going to need a minute.
Oh, I'm already winning.
Retirement is great. Ngozi
and I are snowbirds now.
We just bought a winter
place in Palm Springs.
Well, you know, a lot
of people die there, too.
Fine. How about a goodbye present,
a lifetime prescription of painkillers?
Oh, I gave up my licence.
But I can give you some
advice as a layperson.
Sure. Anything.
You really shouldn't power walk on that.
You think?
Time for a new doctor.
One that will never, ever leave us.
- Ugh.
- Okay.
Okay. This one has four stars.
People like the doc, but
find his haircut distracting.
Oh. If he can't be
trusted with his hair,
I can't trust him with my body.
- Ah. Five stars.
- Oh?
Good parking. Friendly receptionist,
and top-tier magazine subscriptions.
Okay, okay.
Let's go snag ourselves a new doc.
Here we go, my head's another space ♪
Okay. One coconut milk tea.
Sorry. Gave my mom a new ringtone.
Are you ever going to
actually call her back?
Frankly, I'd rather clean
the tapioca pearl machine.
That does need to be done.
Also can't deal with that today.
Oh. Hi.
Um, what what can I get for you?
Uh, let's see.
Can I get a coconut matcha with
grass jelly topping, please?
Totally. That's actually my favourite.
(GIGGLING) And could I get it in my cup?
Yeah. That'll get you 10% off.
Uh, I really like your earrings.
Thanks. They're vintage.
- Thrifting is the best.
- Isn't it?
Um, you know, we actually
have a lot in common.
More than you'd think.
I actually came to
introduce myself to you.
I'm Noor.
Mannix and I are
Kinda dating.
I knew that you worked here,
and I just wanted to break the ice.
'Cause, you know, your friendship
is really important to Mannix,
and I just don't want
things to be awkward.
Awkward? I mean, no. Why
would things be awkward?
I'm just talking to
my ex-girlfriend's new girlfriend
in a place I can't leave.
Abort. Abort.
We should we should
We should hang out all the time.
I mean, we should all hang out sometime.
Yeah. (GIGGLING) I'd love that.
Okay. Well, uh, see you later, Khia.
KHIA: Bye.
You okay?
I don't know.
Uh, Mannix mentioned
starting to date other people,
but now that it's really
happening, it feels different.
Dating is horrific.
But I want to keep Mannix
as a friend. What do I do?
- Avoid her.
- What?
Then you'll never have to face the pain.
But she lives next door. What
am I supposed to do, move?
Every doctor's office is full?
I can't believe
even the one-star
doctor wouldn't take us.
I swear that medical degree was
printed on the back of a flyer.
Green oil not working?
It's diminishing returns on the pain.
Still comforting, though.
Sweet dau xanh. Ohh.
WOMAN: Is there a doctor in the house?
So, babe, we were out of choices.
I took the nuclear option.
Ha-ha. Yeah.
It's me, bitch.
(SNIFFING) Ah. Sweet dau xanh.
Thanks for coming, Carol.
I wouldn't have called
if we weren't desperate.
I wouldn't even call if I was dead.
Technically, I'm a surgeon, not a GP.
But anything for family.
Speaking of which,
how are you and my cuz?
You still in the honeymoon phase?
- Totes.
But living with Nikhil is still
taking some getting used to.
Like, he leaves water
glasses everywhere.
RAMESH: Ha. Rookie mistake.
To live with someone is
to clean up after yourself,
and to pay your own way.
Which is why I'm letting everyone know
I used one red rose tea bag,
valued at 18 cents, and
I'm noting it in my ledger.
Wow. He's a fun addition around here.
Oh, yes, he is.
Well, if I'm gonna fill
in as your family doctor,
I'm going to need to
ask you some questions.
Then ask. I got nothing to hide.
What colour is your poop lately?
- Come on!
- Just answer her.
She's a doctor.
It's normal coloured.
So, multi-coloured, like always.
Gross. Okay. Second question.
How often do you play Marco Solo?
Poach the egg? Shake
hands with the milkman?
- What?
- How often do you masturbate?
Okay! We're done.
You cannot be my
doctor. It'll never work.
It's too weird for your
family doctor to be family.
- Okay? You need to get someone
who you can be open and honest with and
doesn't make you clamp up every
time we talk about bodily fluids.
Don't. Don't say "bodily fluids."
I could say a whole lot of other things,
- like "semen."
- No.
- "Prostate."
- No.
- "Fecal vomiting."
- That's not a thing.
Okay. You both were right.
This is definitely not going to work.
I did, however, manage to get
you some sweet painkillers.
Oh, yeah!
But bro, you seriously
need a family doctor.
So, got you a referral.
- Ah! Fantastic.
- Yeah.
It's a friend I went to med school with.
- Starting a new clinic.
- I'll call now.
Can you also help me to the bathroom?
I got to make colours.
Oh, okay.
- Yo, Bac Carol?
- Hey.
If gout is hereditary, does
that mean I'll get it, too?
Gout's not that bad, buddy.
With precautions, it's preventable.
- So, don't worry about it.
- (EXHALING) Okay. Thanks.
Yeah. Plus there are
a ton of other diseases
that Asians are
genetically susceptible to,
like stroke, kidney
disease, tuberculosis.
So, if you're gonna worry about
something, worry about those.
- You good?
- What?
Uh, yeah. Why?
You haven't actually put
water in the mop bucket.
Oh. Uh, oops.
Still thinking about
Mannix's girlfriend?
Uh, yeah. I guess it bothered
me more than I expected.
Listen. Being friends
with your exes is brutal.
10 out of 10, do not recommend.
You're not friends
with any of your exes?
No. We break up, you're dead to me.
So, you just avoid people forever?
You got to protect yourself.
There are 37 people dead to
me, and look how happy I am.
This place is hopping.
CAMILLE: Oh, look at them.
All dressed up for their
Sears portrait photos.
Mm-hmm. Hey. Check them out.
Trifold. Bunch of keeners.
Yeah. Everybody here is
trying to woo the new doctor.
Huh. I'd hate to be them. Good
thing we got that referral.
Nepo-patients for the win.
BOTH: Eeeh!
Andrew and Camille Pham?
We're on a list. It's
embarrassing you know
Great seeing you. Great seeing you.
Hi. I'm so sorry about the wait.
I'm Dr. Kalangitan.
Can you give me a bit of
background about yourselves?
Oh. I think you'll find that
I'm very low-maintenance.
I've got a list of minor
concerns I've been making note of.
I'm currently at number nine,
having just developed an eye twitch.
But yeah. I won't bother
you till I hit a 10.
- And I'm overall super healthy.
- Yeah.
One might even say invincible.
But every now and
then, my gout flares up.
Which is why I'm here, because I need
a prescription for some painkillers.
How are you sleeping these days?
Ugh. Not great.
I keep having this dream
where I show up for an exam
that I haven't studied for it.
But then I ace it,
and then I realize it's
an exam for supervillains
and I just signed up
for a life of crime.
And I'm a very good sleeper.
I don't hog the sheets. I don't snore.
Just a great companion overall.
Has anything changed
in your marriage lately?
Oh, now, that's a
personal question, doc.
What's that got to do with my gout?
I need to understand your situation,
including your mental health.
- Oh, right.
- Ooh.
So, we're just looking
for a family doctor.
You know, someone reliable
that we can come to for prescriptions.
The gout.
I see.
I have a holistic approach to medicine.
- Oh, that yeah.
- I treat the whole patient.
I don't just dispense prescriptions
like a vending machine.
- Mmm. Mm-mmm.
- No.
If I were to take a family
on, I need the full picture.
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay. Hold up.
I think you just said
"if". Did you just say "if"?
We have a referral. You're
friends with my sister,
Carol Pham, 5'3", Asian, very annoying?
The referral was for a
meeting, which you got.
I'm deciding case-by-case
which patients to take on,
and our time is up.
I have another 30 families
to meet with today.
Thanks for coming in.
Okay. See you soon.
You say it back.
You say "see you soon" back.
Oh, yeah.
- Ah. It's Carol.
She heard back from Dr. Kalangitan.
- And it did not go well.
And apparently, there's
a loser emoji now.
Oh, man. Ow! Oh, my God.
- Ugh. Green oil in the eye.
- Oh, yeah.
That's going to sting real bad.
Maybe more green oil makes it better?
So, I looked online, and
there are a lot of diseases
more common for Asian people to get.
And there's a bunch of stuff more common
for South Asian people to get.
Am I high-risk to get everything
from my Vietnamese
side and my Indian side?
'Cause if I am, I'm
definitely getting diabetes.
Well, Leo, that is a great question
for our family doctor, if we had one.
- Mom, are you crying?
- Oh. No, honey. No.
It's just, um, this. The green oil.
But I am upset. Your father
and I messed up big time.
Okay. So, fix it.
You're always telling me to face
my mistakes and make them right.
Yeah. We do do that, don't we?
We're, like, really good parents.
BOTH: Eeeh!
- Oh!
- Did I get you?
- Green oil in the eyes.
- Oh, no.

- Hey.
- Hey, Mannix.
I know your break is coming up soon.
You can come hang out with
me and Noor if you want.
Actually, I promised Cathy
that I would clean out
the tapioca pearl machine.
Uh, okay. Yeah. Um, maybe next time?
- Totally.
- Hmm.
Nice. Who needs that
kind of awkwardness?
Except this also sucks.
Yeah. We won't let it go so
long next time between cleanings.
Avoiding the problem. It also feels bad.
And this way, nothing changes.
Tapioca machine gets cleaned.
But if I face the cringe-y
part now, get it over with,
I'll keep my friendship with Mannix.
(SIGHING) I'm going over there.
- Hey.
- Oh, hey.
I, uh, don't have to clean it anymore.
- Oh, cool. Sit down.
- Sit. Awesome.
- I'll see you tomorrow.
- MAN: Have a great night.
Oh. You're back.
Dr. Kalangitan, we're
sorry about before.
If you take us on,
we'll be the best
patients you've ever had.
We'll hardly ever come in.
That's what you took from our meeting?
No. I don't want patients
who ignore their health.
Excuse me.
- Pop and lock.
- Sprinkler.
What is this?
It's a flash mob. (LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)
Nobody can resist a flash mob.
- Come on. Join in!
- Yeah.
- No. I'm good.
- Your loss.
Okay. Running man.
No. Now it's hurting man.
Babe, we got to pivot.
- It's prom-posal time.
- Oh. Good one, babe.
Dr. Kalangitan,
would you please do us the honour
and be our doctor
until death do us part?
Which is hopefully a long time from now
if you're a good doctor.
Please get up.
I really wish I could.
Look. None of this is necessary,
or persuasive.
- Ah.
- Sorry.
We panicked.
We've just been so stressed out,
juggling two full-time
jobs for the first time,
parenting teenagers.
Not having a doctor is just
another stress to add to the pile.
Well, what have you been
doing to cope with this stress?
- Eating.
- Oh?
Especially meat. That's my comfort meat.
I mean, food.
I didn't know you were so stressed out.
I didn't want to bring it home with me.
And we haven't been communicating
as well as we usually do.
It took a gout flare-up
for us to finally spend
- a whole day together.
- Ugh.
I am so happy to see you two
talking about this openly.
That is what I want
to see in my patients.
Does that mean that you'll take us on?
Come back in the morning.
And tonight, avoid foods
that are high in purines,
like red meat and seafood.
Take ibuprofen and elevate that foot.
Yes. Of course. Thank you.
BOTH (CACKLING): She said yes!
Nope. You weren't there for us then.
You're not there for us now.
- MANNIX: Was great to see you.
- KHIA: Yeah.
It was really nice meeting you.
- Oh.
- Sure.
- MANNIX: Do your thing.
- KHIA: Absolutely.
It's nice meeting you. See you.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
So that looked super awkward.
Yep. I kind of wanted to die.
But Noor is really
nice and a lot of fun,
and the important thing is
it'll be easier next time.
It's annoying how mature
you kids are these days.
Thanks, Cathy.
No problem.
And since you're so into discomfort,
the tapioca machine
still needs cleaning.
Ugh. Fine.
Nope. Not ready.
We've called you together
because there's going to be
some changes in this house.
I paid for the grapes.
They were mine to finish.
Okay. This isn't about the grapes.
It's about diabetes.
It's not about diabetes.
No. We've just both
been very busy lately,
and not been taking the
best care of ourselves.
So, we're going to try and
find that balance again.
For me, that means a bit
less focus on comfort meats.
Wait. Does that mean
no more Asian buffet?
We'll still go.
But noodles are now in play.
- It's okay. They know. They know.
- $33.99 a head now.
- Now, they
- Of noodles? I can make noodles.
It'll be good to focus
on self-care again.
Mm-hmm. And each-other care.
You know what I mean?
Uh, we're in here.
Oh. I see.
So, this electricity usage
is on your dime, then?
Dad, you got to ditch that notebook.
- Ledger.
- No.
We're not going to take your money.
Seriously. You don't owe us anything.
But Ramesh Devani is no mooch.
You're not a mooch.
You are family.
Fine. I accept your hospitality.
FYI, I just blasted
through a can of cashews.
I thank you for it.
So, call it a night?
Yeah. I'm beat.
- Ow! Oh, oh!
Stubbed my toe. Call the doc! That's 10.
Yes. But first, dau xanh.
Pungent, yet wonderful.
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