Run the Burbs (2022) s03e03 Episode Script

Cottage Phever

The Rockridge Bulk Emporium
Brothers are about three things.
BOTH: Infinite savings,
efficiency, and back support.
What's the plan when
we're stuck behind a family
taking up the whole aisle?
Whoo! Spin move!
And then, beelining towards the
tube sock 12-pack of my dreams!
What if the three-pack of lunch meats
aren't in the regular spot?
I find the lady who
already has them, I say,
"ma'am, where the meat at?!"
Meanwhile, I'm carbo-loading
on tiny pizza samples.
And getting one for my dog.
Boom! It's sample or be sampled!
Come on, can we go now?
Is this what adulthood
is going to be like?
It's the best part.
I honestly feel more complete as a man.
Train's leaving for paradise.
BOTH: Choo-choo!

Kids, the chair-making
show we like is on.
You want to join? Kids?!
Camille? Babe?
- CAMILLE: I'm writing.
Can you get that?
- Whoa!
- Vance. Bob.
- Andrew. Good day.
Andrew, don't you look well? May we?
So, how's suspension treating you, Bob?
Well, I'm just living it up.
Oh, lucky you because
my workload doubled,
and I found out your to-do
list never got to-done.
Which brings us to why we're here.
(SIGHING) Vance and our therapist
thought it would be a good
idea if I apologized to people
for any harm I may have
caused with my "corruption".
- No air quotes.
- My corruption.
So, I guess I owe you an apology.
I regret you may have
been hurt by my actions.
There, I did it.
No, you didn't. Now,
come on, say it, mean it.
I'm s
I'm s I am
I am so
Why is it so hard to say sorry?
Look, we're good.
It's my first weekend off
with no work in a while
and I just want to chill with my family.
- Yep, you got it. Bye.
- No, Bob.
You know what? Andrew, we would love it
if you and your beautiful
family would spend this weekend
at our quaint little cottage.
BOTH: What?
Well, we're clearly not going anymore
because we're in need of an emergency
couples therapy session.
You're not joking?
I've always wanted to go to a cottage.
Well, it's all yours. Bob
will send you the details.
Let's go, Bob.
(SIGHING) Vance, why would you do that?
- VANCE: It serves you right!
Phams, pack your bags!
We're going to a cottage!
Seriously, where is everyone?

RAMESH (ON PHONE:) Oh, how's traffic?
It sucks. I just turned off the engine.
We're literally just parked here.
How do so many people have cottages?
Hmm, generational wealth.
Dad, are you sure you're going
to be okay alone this weekend?
Oh, I'll be fully occupied.
CAMILLE: Making pancakes.
Waffles, actually.
Don't worry, I shan't
burn down the house.
In fact, I have a few homey
things to tackle around here.
Uh, really? Like what?
The house shan't be burned down.
That is your takeaway here.
- Okay.
- RAMESH: Well, ta-ta.
- Watch out for bears.
This cottage is in, like,
deep woods, with an outhouse, right?
Vance said it was "quaint yet rustic".
What white people call "roughing it".
Woodsy Walter stays in
his own shelter alone.
- I'm going to try it.
- Who's Woodsy Walter?
- Some dork he follows.
- You're the dork.
Khia, what are you listening to?
Oh, it's the Cabin Cleaver podcast.
There is a serial killer out
near the lake we're going to,
back in the early 2000s,
the Lakeside Lopper.
He lopped off six people's heads.
The radio up here is so quirky.
DJ (ON RADIO:) Great news, folks.
The world's biggest beer cozy landmark
has reopened for the season.
So, bring the family,
but expect a line-up.
Yes! That's on my DIDIL: My
ALL: Dream it, do it list.
Real talk, I cleared my insane
schedule for this weekend,
so my DIDIL involves doing nada.
Fine, you earned it.
But spending time together
as a family in nature
is number one on my DIDIL.
Since when are you interested in nature?
I never got to do stuff
in the wild growing up.
The closest I ever came was, this
one time, my cousin Lily threw
a computer into a ravine and
my uncle made us fish it out.
My mom didn't want me to
spend too much time in the sun
because my skin would get darker.
Shadism is not a good look, Naniji.
Lucky for you, your parents are perfect.
BOTH: Eeeeee!
DJ (ON RADIO:) Break out the crokinole,
the forecast is calling for more rain.
Ignore that.
We're going to enjoy the hell
out of this beautiful country.
- Come on!
We're trying to build
some core memories here!

Get out of here, stupid bugs! Come on!
You're supposed to spray yourself.
Or go natural.
Woodsy Walter showed how
to harvest citronella oil.
You're obsessed with that guy.
You're one to talk, murder girl.
Don't fight. This is nature time.
It's beautiful.
(GAGGING) Bug. Ugh.
ALL: Whoa!
This is fancier than our house.
They have VR headsets?
Oh, it smells like a spa.
- Nice.
- They got 6G up here.
I'm listening to the last episode.
It's DIDIL time. Come on!
I've got some classic
cottage fun in mind.
Listening to podcasts?
Splitting up to see who can
survive the longest off the land?
Finding the hot tub.
Let me give you a hint.
Zzz! Plop!
Oh, what do we have here?
It's fishing! Huh?
Is this going to get any less boring?
Fishing is not about rushing.
Woodsy Walter catches
fish with his bare hands.
I will give you all of my tet
money if you can catch a fish
with your bare hands.
No, no, you're not going to do that.
He wants to; Let him.
Oh! Oh!
What do I do?! What do I do?!
Okay, I'll look it up, I'll
look it up, I'll look it up.
Um, okay. "Lure it in
and remove the hook
and bludgeon its head."
What? I'm not going to do that. No.
- Andrew, Andrew.
- Oh, no, no. You're the chef,
and I have an overactive gag reflex.
- Ugh!
- Ugh! Okay!
Ho, ho, ho!
The Lopper!
Is there a head inside?
Why is that your first thought?
Okay, fine. Maybe no fish sticks,
but we can have some
campfire s'mores tonight.
There's a fire ban in the area.
Well, there goes DIDIL number
four through twenty-one.
I already got another one. Let's go!
Huzzah! Ha-ha! Now, that's aligned.
No more five degrees off
for you, Mr. Tea cupboard.
I do like being able to talk
to myself out loud again.
There's something so pleasuring
about self-auditory stimulation.
All right.
Ah, yes, the ice maker
has been acting up again.
That's new.
- Ah! Ah!

Our house had the biggest patio ♪
Our house had all the summer shade ♪
- We had patio lanterns ♪
Those patio lanterns ♪
They were the stars in our sky ♪
Those patio lanterns ♪
ANDREW: Sun's out!
There you are.
Only found one, but we can take turns.
No, I'm done. I am making my own DIDIL.
It's called DMOTAC, do
my own thing and chill.
Same. Time to Woodsy Walter it up.
Okay, but we could still
I found a float tank in the west wing.
I love you, though.
Traitors! All of you!
- Ah.
Who left the door open?
God! Stupid bugs. Gah!
Higher, higher, higher, higher ♪
It is not hot in here.
Yeah, I couldn't figure
out how to turn it on,
but the smell of cedar,
it's enough to take me away.
Oh, my God!
What happened to your face?
Bird watching.
More like birds watching
me, than attacking me.
Yeah, might be time to
let go of this DIDIL stuff.
I can't believe the kids don't care.
Didn't our families immigrate
to give us a better life?
Indoors! I like to
believe that my ancestors
struggled so that, one day,
I could eat curly fries in a hot
sauna, and I want that for them.
Maybe I just need to
meet them on their level.
Or you could help me check
off something on my DIDIL.
We can do that anytime!
This is my only chance to
sing tragically hip at sunset.
Name one song.
Not the point!
HUDSON: Hello?
- Ahh!
- Hey, Ramesh.
Just dropping off Andrew's
half of the bulk birdseed.
You good?
Perfectly fine, thank you.
Oh, hey, man, incontinence
is nothing to be ashamed of.
- What?! No!
- My grandma June has a
The ice maker's broken.
Andrew usually fixes it. I
thought I'd give it a try.
Oh, no problem, I have the same fridge,
Rockridge Bulk Emporium two-pack.
Mind if I
- Be my guest.
- All right.
Right under here. So,
we just get in here
- No, stop!
- Let me just
Stop touching things.
You broke it.
I can't let this food go to waste.
Can we take some of it to your house?
Sorry, man, my fridge is packed
to the max with infinite savings.
Well, then hungry?
Hey, hey, my baby girl.
May I?
Hey, we might not have a campfire,
but we can still tell some stories.
Yeah. Um
Okay. I'll tell a story.
All right. It's on my DIDIL
Lit only by his lantern,
the Lakeside Lopper would stalk
campers and cut off their heads.
Then, he would dry out their
tendons and braid them together,
so that he could use it
for rope for his shelter.
He'd grab their organs right
No, no, I can't. I can't.
No. And then, he'd take their skin
and rip it right off their bones.
La-la-la-la-la-la-la! Not listening!
People still think
that he might be alive!
Too easy.
This is like the Ritz-Carlton
of forest shelters.
Can I help?
The point is to kind of do it alone.
Fine. You can join in for a bit.
All right.
Me and my favourite boy ♪
- Build it in the wood ♪
- Hey! I work better in silence.
Oh, respect the craft. Gotcha.
Oh, spider!
Dad, your arm's bleeding.
I'll make a poultice.
No, no, no, no. Come
on. I'll walk it off.
I'll walk it off.
Only got one arm ♪
Not gonna slow me down ♪
Dad, Woodsy Walter
says his number one tip
is to cut dead weight.
Oh, no problem.
Tell me if you want to hang out later.
Maybe we'll go for a little swim.
Ha-ha! Look at us, two bachelors
cooking up a fridge full of food
on a Saturday night, doing the thing.
All I wanted to do was
fix some things and pleasure myself
with endless self-auditory stimulation.
Look at how that went.
Okay, it's not that bad.
I should accept that
things just don't go my way.
That's not true.
You have so many things
going right; House to live in,
food to eat, friends.
Oh, my God, the pizza tacos!
- Let me up.
This rock-skipping game looks so real.
What's your record so far?
One-and-a-half rocks
if I skip two rocks.
So, you didn't want to go
canoe portaging with Dad?
I don't even think he knows
what "portaging" means.
Do you think he even likes this stuff?
I think that this is his way to
force us to spend time with him.
What even is a core memory, anyway?
Something you'll always remember.
I mean, trauma, right?
- Totally.
Even though this is a
serial killer's playground,
it's pretty chill.
It must have sucked that Mom and Dad
never got to do this until now.
Remember when they wanted
to "embrace Winter",
and so they took us skiing?
Mom couldn't even get off the ski lift
and Dad went down backwards.
Yeah. I mean, at least they always try.
Yeah, that's pretty cool, I guess.
- Wanna go outside?
- Sure.
There's a Lopper crime
scene I wanna check out.
Okay, now, it's too hot.
I figured out how to turn it on.
It's voice-activated.
I got lots of ♪
Curly fries! ♪
I think we should put
the parental controls
back on the kids' Internet.
No more podcasts or Woodsy Walters.
Why? Because it teaches
them independent thought?
Exactly. It's too much.
No, they're growing older.
It's natural for them to want space.
It feels like they
don't need me anymore.
- What is that?
- The kids!
- Daddy's coming!
- Sauna off!
We were just in the woods!
- We saw a bear!
- Bears don't carry axes!
It's the Lopper!
Holy crap!
Big fur! What do we do?!
If it's brown, lay down, and
if it's black, fight back.
It was like a black-brown.
Maybe more brown-black?
- Quick! Shoulder to shoulder!
- Look big! And move!
Okay! Aah!
Just in case, I want you all to know
I love you all so much.
And I was the one who stunk
up the van on the way here.
- Ugh.
- Love you, too.
Part of me wants it to be the Lopper.
I'm not well.
I love all of you so much, and
I forced you to do the DIDIL
because I think we're drifting apart.
Sometimes, I bite
My toenails before bed.
ALL: Eww.
Love you?
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa! Put down the oar.
Someone forgot to sheath this.
Why are you dressed
like an apex predator?
Like I'm letting Vance have my fur.
Okay, but why are you here?
Vance kicked me out.
And then I got fired.
And then, my car ran out of electricity.
I had to slog for an
hour through the woods.
Wait, you got fired?
Oh, that's terrible news, man.
Oh Bob, I'm sorry you're
going through a rough time.
- I got you, buddy.

Love the air fryer, Bob.
So roomy.
- Take it.
- Oh, that's not nece
Kids are grown, they never come up.
Vance and I thought we'd retire here.
I guess I can now.
(SCOFFING) You do a little
light money laundering
and suddenly, everybody's
so by the book.
Well, at least you
still have this place.
Yeah. It was my grandfather's.
Then, we did a massive reno.
I had to go to court
with my sister for it.
I haven't seen her in ten years.
But that lake view, it's worth it.
I take it you enjoyed yourself?
It was all right.
Tackled some things on
my did activity list.
They didn't seem into it.
Yeah, family's overrated.
You compromise, you sacrifice,
you make activity lists.
And for what?
Well, for a chance to
love and be loved back.
Love only leads to hurt.
Yeah, but then it comes back
to love and understanding.
It's unconditional.
Well, if they keep rejecting you,
you can stay here with me.
Ha! I think I'll do pretty
much anything in my power
to make sure that doesn't happen.
And on that note,
they wanted to leave hours ago, so
- Okay, it's been a time.
- Take care, Bob.
And I hope the lake heals your heart.
Let's go, Phams!
Ah! Aah!
(GROANING) Food hangover is no joke.
Neither is a real hangover.
Your piña coladas were too delicious.
Hey, if you have a pile
of coconuts to use
BOTH: You colada them!
Thank you for helping, Hudson.
I'm sorry for my bad
mood. It's been hard.
Hey, hit me, Meshey.
I never thought, at this age,
I'd be living in my daughter's basement.
I thought by fixing these things,
I could gain some sense of
control, even for a moment.
I couldn't even have that.
I feel you.
I never thought I'd be a
single dad raising a teenager.
Now, that's hardship.
Ha! I had my time with that.
And Camille turned out great.
You made the best out
of a hard situation,
just like last night.
Gotta take it one samosa at a time.
You're right. Thanks.
Do you think your bulk
depot sells single fridges?
I could at least start
looking for a replacement.
(CHUCKLING) It has nearly everything.
It's beautiful.
The highway is bumper to bumper
out of cottage country. Why
would anyone want to leave?
I'm sorry I pushed way too hard
and was only focused on what I wanted.
I just wanted to give you kids
the classic Canadian experience.
Yeah, but classic for who, Dad?
Growing up,
I wanted to be white so bad, or just
At least to have the
things they got to have.
Yeah, I felt like they had all the fun.
- ANDREW: Yeah.
- We're fun,
and we have traditions, too,
like those letters you write
us on our first day of school.
And making me lie about my
age, so we get things cheaper.
Yeah, and our new tradition,
making fun of Leo for
biting his toenail.
Come on. I thought we were going to die.
Yeah, we make our own version
of classic experiences.
How about making a giant
beer cozy one of our classics?
Babe, do not tease me.
No, Dad, let's do it.
Let's check one off of our DIDIL!
That's what I'm talking about!
Once this traffic moves!
- Okay
Seriously! Move! Just go!
We're all headed to the same place.
FEMALE AGENT: Whoever did this
really knows what they're doing.
MALE AGENT: Never seen
one of these before.
The bottle's all sticky, too.
It's gotta be covered in prints.
FEMALE AGENT: Got something.
- Looks like blood.
- Call in forensics now.
Yeah. Wait. Does this mean ?
The Lakeside Lopper is back.

RADIO DJ: The local
police advise everyone
to lock their doors and boathouses.
It seems as if the
dreaded Lakeside Lopper
is back on the prowl.
In other news, there was huge traffic
getting into the world's
biggest beer cozy landmark
this opening weekend.
ANDREW: This line-up
has taken five hours,
but it's worth it because
it was on my DIDIL.
I am so thirsty. Do you have any water?
RADIO DJ: I'm not sure what a DIDIL is,
but I hope it's nothing bad.
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