Ryan Hansen Solves Crimes on Television (2017) s01e05 Episode Script
Hungry for Justice
Record scratch, what? Chicka-chicka, Slim Shady! What up, y'all? It's your boy Ryan Hansen.
You guys dig the new selfie stick? It's a party favor from Ashton Kutcher's birthday festivities last night.
So cool.
Anyway, I got some killer news.
"Ryan Hansen Solves Crimes on Television" just got named YouTube Red's Red Hottest show right behind "Drinkin' Old Milk with Stevie B," "Unboxing Uncut," and "Watching Someone Play Video Games.
" I mean, really, it's just an honor to be on the podium with those three.
Hi.
Yeah, well, you shouldn't be angry because you just got cut off by Ryan Hansen.
Okay, so here is the scoop.
I got two commercial auditions in the offing.
I don't want to pull a Verizon Guy on this one, so I can't take both.
One is for Pepsi, which, to me, is the Casamigos of cola.
And taste aside, Pepsi are soda disrupters.
Crystal Pepsi flipped the whole script.
And did you see that Kendall Jenner ad? I was like, "Whoa, I just got, like, woke.
" It's definitely the choice of the Hansen generation, for sure.
Anyway, the other one is for Coca-Cola, which I think is kind of an old man's drink.
But being the face of Coke would up my visibility into the Santa territory and put my kids in private school, where our vaccine choices would be respected.
So, ah, it's hard.
It's art versus commerce, the ultimate Pepsi-Coke challenge.
So, yeah, it's gonna be tough picking the right one, baby, uh-huh.
But that's the process, you know? A lot of strategizing, a lot of careful thought You're late, Hansen.
What the hell happened? You crash your car while filming yourself again? Come on.
I'd have to be a real idiot to do that twice.
What's this guy's sob story? 'Cause it's a Saab.
We're waiting for the tox screens to come back, but based on the vomit you're standing in, I'm betting on a poisoning.
Oh! Sick! Wait a minute, I know this guy.
That's Petey Silver, famous food blogger.
Wait, food blogger? That's, like, a job? I mean, he has a podcast, too.
These must be his co-hosts, the Bronze Brunch Bunch.
What, you never saw that documentary about him, "The City of Silver"? Don't you need to be somebody to have a movie made about you? You'd think, right? And television forget about it.
They're giving everyone a show now.
Ugh.
Anyway, I was somebody's plus-one to the premiere.
Well, it wasn't really a premiere, per se.
More of a special screening.
They don't have to feed you that way.
Did the documentary mention if he had any enemies? I don't know.
Didn't really make it that far.
Fell asleep during the 20-minute sequence on fermentation.
Great.
Getting the sense your input is going to be very helpful on this case.
Apparently, he was gonna review that Thai truck right there.
That's the owner.
We should question her.
- Right? - Yes, that would be a part of our job.
Ah, of course there's a murder at a food truck the week I need to slim down for my big audition.
Oh, I'm sorry this homicide is inconvenient for you.
Well, I'm doing the "Friends" cleanse.
It's a smoothie made of pepper, tea, gum, and volcanic ash.
It was invented by the set medic on "Friends.
" Six a day provide all the nutrition I need, plus tastes great.
Doesn't sound like it has any nutrition in it at all.
Oh, God.
Well, I think if I do an extra day of cardio, I should be fine.
They don't want some flabby Flanny slinging soft drinks, right? People are gonna start associating soda with weight gain.
Please, don't keep me posted.
Ooh, burn.
Hello.
Detective Mathers, LAPD.
Please, tell us, was there anyone here acting suspiciously that you can remember? Anyone handling the food except for you? Hey, Ryan Hansen.
You probably recognize me from "Party Down.
" Or, as it was re-titled in Thailand, "Tiny Platter Sadness Friends.
" Hey, you can talk to me, okay? I hate critics, too Except for the ones who review premium streaming television content.
God, are those guys smart.
So, I totally get why you'd want to poison one.
Why did you want to poison him? Whoa, okay, is she doing a dialect? 'Cause I feel like we're in tricky racial territory right now.
She's speaking Thai.
And you're Thai, right? 'Cause that's the only way this is gonna be okay.
We don't want an "Aloha" situation.
I mean, Emma Stone barely won an Oscar a year later, so there are consequences.
Mrs.
Saithong! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You okay with this? 'Cause this is exactly what we don't want.
A white guy playing an Asian dude? No, it's like we're re-rebooting "Ghost in the Shell.
" I just got back from a three-day sound bath at the Integratron.
What happened? Wait, you speak Thai? Do I look like a guy who hasn't backpacked through southeast Asia? Let me through and I'll translate.
All right, let him through.
How do we know he's speaking Thai? I mean, it could be Cantonese.
We don't know.
Right.
She says i it wasn't her fault.
She doesn't know what happened to Petey.
Holy shit.
Is Petey Silver dead? Oh, he inspired so many great meals.
I waited a half-hour in an area that I'd never been to to eat food that I'd never even hear of to then post it on Instagram to people I'd never met.
The quintessential L.
A.
experience.
Please, continue translating.
Yeah, she says that that he was coming here for months.
He was gonna write a big post about how much he loved this place, and she was hoping that the attention would, you know, drum up some business for here, which would be great.
I mean, this is Thai Town's best-kept secret.
You're a regular here? What's your name? Griff Bowder, AKA Dr.
Mindblast.
Yeah, a street artist.
Whoa, Dr.
Mindblast? Hey, man, I saw a super moving retrospect about your work on a port-a-potty at Coachella.
- Do you know Banksy? - Yeah, Shia's a friend.
And so is Mrs.
Saithong.
I mean, she let me do her truck.
Probably seen some of my other work around town.
I also did a brain exploding out of a Bob's Big Boy, 'cause, like, political.
And then, I did a brain exploding out of the Hollywood sign, because, like, innovation.
And then, I did a brain explo So, you're not good enough for a museum, huh? Uh, hardly.
Street art is, like, next-level stuff.
The entire city is Dr.
Mindblast's museum, even the stuff he's not supposed to paint.
Sounds like vandalism to me.
Whoa.
Whoa, whoa! No, no, no.
He He's an artist, not a vandal.
Excuse my basic friend.
Some people just don't get art.
Thank you so much.
Well, they were poisoned, all right.
A form of naturally occurring cyanide in their spicy catfish salads.
I will not be ordering that, mostly because I'm on a cleanse.
You know, as a medical professional, I should warn you that fasting is not a healthy weight-loss strategy.
Yeah, but I'm also ridding my body of toxins.
Your kidneys and liver are already extremely effective at that.
This isn't some kind of fad, like South Beach or Atkins or the no-water diet or the all-water diet or the turkey jerky and prayer cleanse or the eat vegan before 6:00 or the eat pork belly after 6:00.
Those were all great, but this one is better.
It's the "Friends" Cleanse.
Can we please get back to the case? If the dish contains poison naturally, why serve it? There are lots of foods that contain cyanide apples, cherries, almonds, but they're usually safe, unless the poison is activated by another chemical agent.
But in this case, someone added a household astringent or cleaning product.
That's not a lot to go on.
Did you find anything else? Here's the rest of the contents of Petey's stomach.
I'll take that.
Two helpings of poutine, half a dozen grasshoppers, 12 rooster beaks, and some white bread.
Ugh! Gluten.
Well, guess we know what did it.
Yeah, like I said, poison.
But there was one other thing.
Didn't know what to make of it.
Six ounces of gold foil.
Probably consumed in the last 24 hours.
Silver eats gold.
Huh, feels like there should be a joke there.
Nah.
Maybe I'm just hungry.
Doesn't sound like gold was on any menu.
That's where your wrong.
Classic dish at Providence.
Geoduck with gold foil.
A delightful culinary inside joke from chef de cuisine Michael Cimarusti.
Wait, there's a restaurant where rich people can literally eat gold? L.
A.
's second most famous critic, Dorothy Montclair, was actually there yesterday and wrote a review and called it, "Worth Its Weight in Itself.
" Two food critics at the same restaurant on the same night.
How often does that happen? I guess it is pretty weird, especially because they do not like each other.
I mean, she was basically number one in town until Petey Silver re-invented food writing.
It was in the 10 minutes of "City of Silver" I was awake for.
Why the hell didn't you tell me that before? What, and spoil the movie? Montclair's editor said she's here on assignment.
She might be hard to find.
She keeps a low profile when reviewing a place.
So, she's in disguise.
Oh, no, how are we ever gonna find her? Good thing I've spent 10,000 hours in a makeup chair.
I spy with my little eye Ah.
Dark glasses, multiple entrees.
Bingo.
You want me to cuff her, or do you want to cuff one hand at a time? We actually don't have enough to arrest her.
It's not a crime to hate someone.
Sounds like we got to trick her into arresting herself.
Mind games.
Is that chowder? It smelled chowdery.
I wonder if there's clams in that.
God, I'm hungry.
God, you're an idiot.
My sense of smell gets super sensitive when I'm cleansing.
I'm like a pregnant Spider-Man.
Hey, Ryan Hansen.
Don't be alarmed.
I'm sorry, who? I know, it's a part of your character.
I'm a master of disguise, as well.
That's why I was attached to play Pistachio Disguisey Jr.
in the straight-to-DVD sequel of "Master of Disguise," "Son of Master of Disguise.
" Project fell apart when "Son of the Mask" tanked, which is a shame because we had a much fresher take on being the son of a thing.
Oh.
Please, don't hurt me.
Don't worry, ma'am, we're not gonna hurt you.
Police.
No, we're not gonna hurt you, but you might get hurt.
Psst.
What? Let's give her the "SVU" treatment.
I'm Ice-T, you're John Munch.
Follow me.
Just ignore him.
Perfect Munch.
Hey, we know what you're up to.
Now, just come clean, you dig? Hey, put that down.
Sure, Munch.
Just as soon as Dorothy here confesses.
Sorry, who do you think I am? - Oh! - Whoa! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, Jesus! I'm so sorry, Mrs.
Montclair! Excuse me.
I'm Dorothy Montclair.
Are you looking for me? Oh.
Well, seems like this should go on the blooper reel, right? So, you stabbed an incredibly famous actress in the hand? She's just trying to eat her lunch without getting recognized! And we didn't recognize her.
Hey, no harm no foul.
I mean, she looked like a day-player with the hat and sunglasses.
Yeah, well, she wasn't.
She was an extremely famous actress! I know.
It's an incredible get for the show.
I mean, this could do for YouTube Red what Spacey did for Netflix.
We're really sorry, Captain Jackson.
Once we realized our mistake, we apologized to Miss Don't say the name! I don't understand why we're keeping this a secret.
Look, all three of us know who we're talking about.
Well, we can't pay her medical bills and her guest star quote.
The point is, there's no way this stays out of the papers.
I mean, not with an actress of that caliber.
Even though it was extremely unprofessional, the stabbing did lead us to Montclair.
So, uh, you think stabbing people is the easiest way to solve a crime, right? Oh.
- Is it? - No! Now, get the hell out of my office! Leave the canoli.
Silver and I had our differences, that is true.
Now, is that it, or do you want to talk to my lawyers? You may be able to intimidate those chefs at their fancy restaurants, but a bad review from you won't scare us.
Really? Because I find your police work bland and uninspiring.
Whatevs.
I stopped listening to my own reviews a long time ago.
They're just words.
They can't hurt me.
You hear that, Manohla Dargis? Did you poison Petey Silver? No.
If anything, Petey Silver poisoned the art of food writing.
I mean, he goes to some strip-mall Chinese place and eats a gallon of fried scorpions and then writes a blog.
Is that worthy of a James Beard award? What's next, an Oscar for best YouTube video? Oh, my God, I hope so.
Are they really talking about that? Not even in your wettest dreams.
Ms.
Montclair, where were you between 6:00 and 8:00 p.
m.
on the night of the murder? I'm not sure, exactly.
I stop at a lot of places.
It's my job.
Our job is to sit here until you tell us the truth.
I think I might actually go hit the vending machine.
I've been good all week.
I can cheat a little bit.
- No.
- Geez.
Thank you.
You know what, the only person I'd be cheating - is myself.
- What is this? Expenses.
These receipts wouldn't have the dates and times of all the restaurants you've been to, would they? They would, indeed.
Let's see, uh Yes, here we are.
The night of the murder, I was doing a review of Gordon Ramsay's new place at the London.
Can we see that receipt? Can I see a warrant? You were at the London on Tuesday? That's what I just said.
You got an invite? Ashton told Cryer that the birthday party was fam only.
Well, Ashton and I go way back, so That's crazy that's 'cause I didn't see you there.
Um, but I was in the way back at Wilmer's table, so it's Whoa, whoa, what the hell is going on? It's, um All right, I confess, all right? I I told everybody that I went to that party, but I didn't even get invited.
Did I lie about that? Yes.
Did I try to sneak in the laundry chute with Danny Masterson? Guilty as charged.
Do I regret it? On that one count, find me innocent, because you get one chance to punk your way into the Kutcher Krew.
But you didn't even know Ashton Kutcher rented out the London, did you? Okay, I I admit it.
I wasn't there.
Now might be a good time to lawyer up, Montclair.
That won't be necessary.
I'll talk.
But if this gets out, my career is over.
I couldn't have killed Silver.
The night of the murder, I was at the one restaurant - I love the most.
- Anocha? Hey, can you get me a reservation? My agent almost took me there once.
Bubba Gump Shrimp Company.
Oh! Do they even have a vegan option? Yes.
The tofu scampi is better than Forrest Gump's ping pong game.
There's a reason they are one of the fastest growing and most successful franchises in the world.
I don't know what's sadder, your alibi or that product placement.
Look, your secret is safe with us, as long as someone can confirm you were there.
Well, I I never expense it, for obvious reasons.
But, uh Well, check with the hostess.
I can't go a week without having my Lieutenant Dan pan-fried ham.
You expect us to believe that? Ham isn't even a type of shrimp.
Welcome to Bubba Gump Shrimp.
Hi, ma'am.
Were you working here last Tuesday night? I sure was.
Do you remember this woman? She might go by the name Jenny.
Yeah, every Tuesday has a "Rum, Forrest, Rum" at the bar and then has our worst-tasting entree.
Sounds like someone in desperate need of a cleanse.
I know.
And I keep trying to get her to try the jumbo shrimp or the barbecue shrimp or the boiled shrimp or the pepper shrimp, shrimp soup, shrimp salad, shrimp and potatoes Okay, you've been very helpful.
Thank you so much.
And come back for Bubba Gump trivia night.
You don't need to know anything as long as you answer the questions with love in your heart.
- Great.
Awesome.
- That's nice.
So, it looks like Montclair's alibi checks out.
So, what do we do now Kick it down to Mark Paul Gosselaar in cold case? Not yet.
Someone knew that, if Silver died, fingers would be pointed in Montclair's direction.
That wouldn't do the real killer any good unless her alibi was something she'd be too embarrassed to use.
But who would know she'd be here every Tuesday? I mean, her editor, another critic? I'm starting to lose feeling in my extremities.
I think I'll feel better if I smell some shrimp.
Oh, hey, Dr.
Mindblast.
What? Well, I mean, brain plus mushroom cloud plus Bubba Gump, seems like Dr.
Mindblast to me.
What do you see? I see our prime suspect.
Huh.
They say there's no wrong way to look at art, but that seems like a stretch to me.
- Keep your eyes open.
- Of course.
I wouldn't want to miss any of these pieces.
Sure, the guy might be a murderer, but he's got an interesting point of view.
Look at that.
Oh, wow.
What an interesting combination of mysterious religious symbolism and a brain exploding out of someone's head.
So cool.
No, I mean this empty can of turpentine.
Common household astringent.
Also used to clean paint brushes.
Lines up with what the medical examiner found in Petey Silver.
You got a great eye, Mathers.
You don't need a great eye to know this guy's extremely disturbed.
I'm an instinctual artist.
I depict what I feel inside.
Like, right now, I feel - hungry.
- Dude, me, too.
This cleanse is killing me.
Sit tight.
I got some goji berries in the back.
- Oh, yeah.
- No, Hansen.
Who knows what kind of poison he's got back there.
We know you did it.
And we know you tried to set up Montclair to take the fall.
Unless you got some kind of proof, I suggest you speak to the lawyers that administrate my trust.
Huh.
Well, maybe we can show them the, uh, Yelp review that you left the night of the murder.
Let's see.
"The Nam Prik Ong is the best outside of Thailand.
Did I mention I've been to Thailand?" You said you were at the Integratron when this places you at the murder scene.
I didn't mean to kill them, okay? I just wanted them to get sick so Petey would write a bad review about the place.
Do you know what happens when that guy gives a place a rave? It blows up! He's the reason a dude can't just grab buldak or a bowl of tsukemen without tripping over a bunch of white people.
You're white.
I like to think of myself more as, like, a brand.
I just couldn't stand to see my favorite Thai truck become so popular that I would have to wait in line to get my morning mung bean stir fry.
Turn yourself in now, and maybe you can cut a deal.
Like I told my parents when they asked me to pay back the money they loaned me for art school I'm too high to deal with this right now! - Whoa, get down! - Whoa! Hey, you did not have to tackle me! That is papier-mâché! Sorry, my hero instinct just kicked in.
- Wait, you okay? - No, I'm good.
Never felt healthier.
I'm pretty sure I'm 91% of my max heart rate, so it's a good thing.
You've got to eat some food.
I think I got some cleanse left.
Don't move or I will blow your brains out.
What? All the good stuff was at the bottom.
Hey, we got him! Whoo-whoo! You let us know how that Thai food is in prison.
Yeah, probably not so hot, by which I mean neither spicy nor good quality.
I did that old lady a favor.
Exposure and celebrity just lead to added pressure.
- Tell me about it.
- Street art became a chore once it was my real job.
I loved it when it was just a hobby and I was paying the bills as a deejay.
I cannot stand to hear this sick psychopath talk any longer.
Get him out of here.
Hey, Ryan, just remember never let money get in the way of your art.
Whoa.
What an oddly relevant thing for a psychopath to say.
Huh.
Hey, come on, let me buy you dinner.
What a perfect way to end the "Friends" Cleanse, huh? All this talk about food trucks and I've actually never been to one.
Wait, seriously? Oh, you are in for a treat.
The best place to get truly authentic Mexican food Los Angeles.
Hey, man, can I get a kale shell veggie taco with extra turmeric and no fatty veggies.
You're got to at least put some chicken on there or something.
What, and ruin my thigh gap? - No way.
- Your what? My thigh gap.
Hey, honey, what's cooking? There's my favorite activist and artist.
- Mwah.
- How was your day? Oh, it was great.
Solved a quintuple homicide and got a lot of thinking done.
Wow.
I barely managed to do the laundry.
I'm trying to decide which commercial to go out for, Coke or Pepsi.
A choice that has stumped the world for centuries.
But stuff happened to me today and I think I realize that the answer for me, it's gonna be Coke.
Didn't you say a Pepsi commercial would be a more fulfilling project, artistically? But Coke would be better for my career, which would mean a better life for us and our kids.
But what's best for you is what's best for us.
We can tighten our belts a little.
So, we get rid of cable for a few months.
So what? We can get by on Netflix and YouTube Red.
Yeah.
They are two totally equivalent services.
I mean, maybe we eat out a little less often.
- That's okay.
- Yeah.
John Cryer can make more meals at home.
Hope you like your peanut butter and jelly extra spicy.
Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Hey, what are you three muppets hiding behind your backs? We know you wanted to do the Pepsi commercial, so don't worry.
If it doesn't pay enough money, you can have these.
Our piggy banks! Oh, you guys didn't have to do that.
Wait a minute.
How much is in here? I made a choice, and it's a choice of this generation.
That's my favorite Pepsi tagline.
You remembered! Oh, guys, I'm the luckiest dad in the world.
You won't be saying that after dinner tonight.
Hey, what up, what up? How's it going, guys? Great.
Thank you, Ryan.
Let's just see what you got.
Okay, so it's And crack, chug? Yeah.
Sure.
Yeah.
Got it.
Pepsi.
#Resist your thirst! All right.
Thanks, Ryan.
Thank you guys so much.
Hey, um, just really quick, I want to say thank you for having me read this commercial.
I think it's really important what you guys are trying to say, especially in these difficult times.
'Cause I really relate to it, you know, as an artist, activist, millennial, and a think-fluencer.
Yeah.
Thank you, Ryan.
Thank you, guys.
Ryan, leave the can, please.
- Sorry about that.
- And can you clean up this mess? Yeah.
Just get a
You guys dig the new selfie stick? It's a party favor from Ashton Kutcher's birthday festivities last night.
So cool.
Anyway, I got some killer news.
"Ryan Hansen Solves Crimes on Television" just got named YouTube Red's Red Hottest show right behind "Drinkin' Old Milk with Stevie B," "Unboxing Uncut," and "Watching Someone Play Video Games.
" I mean, really, it's just an honor to be on the podium with those three.
Hi.
Yeah, well, you shouldn't be angry because you just got cut off by Ryan Hansen.
Okay, so here is the scoop.
I got two commercial auditions in the offing.
I don't want to pull a Verizon Guy on this one, so I can't take both.
One is for Pepsi, which, to me, is the Casamigos of cola.
And taste aside, Pepsi are soda disrupters.
Crystal Pepsi flipped the whole script.
And did you see that Kendall Jenner ad? I was like, "Whoa, I just got, like, woke.
" It's definitely the choice of the Hansen generation, for sure.
Anyway, the other one is for Coca-Cola, which I think is kind of an old man's drink.
But being the face of Coke would up my visibility into the Santa territory and put my kids in private school, where our vaccine choices would be respected.
So, ah, it's hard.
It's art versus commerce, the ultimate Pepsi-Coke challenge.
So, yeah, it's gonna be tough picking the right one, baby, uh-huh.
But that's the process, you know? A lot of strategizing, a lot of careful thought You're late, Hansen.
What the hell happened? You crash your car while filming yourself again? Come on.
I'd have to be a real idiot to do that twice.
What's this guy's sob story? 'Cause it's a Saab.
We're waiting for the tox screens to come back, but based on the vomit you're standing in, I'm betting on a poisoning.
Oh! Sick! Wait a minute, I know this guy.
That's Petey Silver, famous food blogger.
Wait, food blogger? That's, like, a job? I mean, he has a podcast, too.
These must be his co-hosts, the Bronze Brunch Bunch.
What, you never saw that documentary about him, "The City of Silver"? Don't you need to be somebody to have a movie made about you? You'd think, right? And television forget about it.
They're giving everyone a show now.
Ugh.
Anyway, I was somebody's plus-one to the premiere.
Well, it wasn't really a premiere, per se.
More of a special screening.
They don't have to feed you that way.
Did the documentary mention if he had any enemies? I don't know.
Didn't really make it that far.
Fell asleep during the 20-minute sequence on fermentation.
Great.
Getting the sense your input is going to be very helpful on this case.
Apparently, he was gonna review that Thai truck right there.
That's the owner.
We should question her.
- Right? - Yes, that would be a part of our job.
Ah, of course there's a murder at a food truck the week I need to slim down for my big audition.
Oh, I'm sorry this homicide is inconvenient for you.
Well, I'm doing the "Friends" cleanse.
It's a smoothie made of pepper, tea, gum, and volcanic ash.
It was invented by the set medic on "Friends.
" Six a day provide all the nutrition I need, plus tastes great.
Doesn't sound like it has any nutrition in it at all.
Oh, God.
Well, I think if I do an extra day of cardio, I should be fine.
They don't want some flabby Flanny slinging soft drinks, right? People are gonna start associating soda with weight gain.
Please, don't keep me posted.
Ooh, burn.
Hello.
Detective Mathers, LAPD.
Please, tell us, was there anyone here acting suspiciously that you can remember? Anyone handling the food except for you? Hey, Ryan Hansen.
You probably recognize me from "Party Down.
" Or, as it was re-titled in Thailand, "Tiny Platter Sadness Friends.
" Hey, you can talk to me, okay? I hate critics, too Except for the ones who review premium streaming television content.
God, are those guys smart.
So, I totally get why you'd want to poison one.
Why did you want to poison him? Whoa, okay, is she doing a dialect? 'Cause I feel like we're in tricky racial territory right now.
She's speaking Thai.
And you're Thai, right? 'Cause that's the only way this is gonna be okay.
We don't want an "Aloha" situation.
I mean, Emma Stone barely won an Oscar a year later, so there are consequences.
Mrs.
Saithong! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You okay with this? 'Cause this is exactly what we don't want.
A white guy playing an Asian dude? No, it's like we're re-rebooting "Ghost in the Shell.
" I just got back from a three-day sound bath at the Integratron.
What happened? Wait, you speak Thai? Do I look like a guy who hasn't backpacked through southeast Asia? Let me through and I'll translate.
All right, let him through.
How do we know he's speaking Thai? I mean, it could be Cantonese.
We don't know.
Right.
She says i it wasn't her fault.
She doesn't know what happened to Petey.
Holy shit.
Is Petey Silver dead? Oh, he inspired so many great meals.
I waited a half-hour in an area that I'd never been to to eat food that I'd never even hear of to then post it on Instagram to people I'd never met.
The quintessential L.
A.
experience.
Please, continue translating.
Yeah, she says that that he was coming here for months.
He was gonna write a big post about how much he loved this place, and she was hoping that the attention would, you know, drum up some business for here, which would be great.
I mean, this is Thai Town's best-kept secret.
You're a regular here? What's your name? Griff Bowder, AKA Dr.
Mindblast.
Yeah, a street artist.
Whoa, Dr.
Mindblast? Hey, man, I saw a super moving retrospect about your work on a port-a-potty at Coachella.
- Do you know Banksy? - Yeah, Shia's a friend.
And so is Mrs.
Saithong.
I mean, she let me do her truck.
Probably seen some of my other work around town.
I also did a brain exploding out of a Bob's Big Boy, 'cause, like, political.
And then, I did a brain exploding out of the Hollywood sign, because, like, innovation.
And then, I did a brain explo So, you're not good enough for a museum, huh? Uh, hardly.
Street art is, like, next-level stuff.
The entire city is Dr.
Mindblast's museum, even the stuff he's not supposed to paint.
Sounds like vandalism to me.
Whoa.
Whoa, whoa! No, no, no.
He He's an artist, not a vandal.
Excuse my basic friend.
Some people just don't get art.
Thank you so much.
Well, they were poisoned, all right.
A form of naturally occurring cyanide in their spicy catfish salads.
I will not be ordering that, mostly because I'm on a cleanse.
You know, as a medical professional, I should warn you that fasting is not a healthy weight-loss strategy.
Yeah, but I'm also ridding my body of toxins.
Your kidneys and liver are already extremely effective at that.
This isn't some kind of fad, like South Beach or Atkins or the no-water diet or the all-water diet or the turkey jerky and prayer cleanse or the eat vegan before 6:00 or the eat pork belly after 6:00.
Those were all great, but this one is better.
It's the "Friends" Cleanse.
Can we please get back to the case? If the dish contains poison naturally, why serve it? There are lots of foods that contain cyanide apples, cherries, almonds, but they're usually safe, unless the poison is activated by another chemical agent.
But in this case, someone added a household astringent or cleaning product.
That's not a lot to go on.
Did you find anything else? Here's the rest of the contents of Petey's stomach.
I'll take that.
Two helpings of poutine, half a dozen grasshoppers, 12 rooster beaks, and some white bread.
Ugh! Gluten.
Well, guess we know what did it.
Yeah, like I said, poison.
But there was one other thing.
Didn't know what to make of it.
Six ounces of gold foil.
Probably consumed in the last 24 hours.
Silver eats gold.
Huh, feels like there should be a joke there.
Nah.
Maybe I'm just hungry.
Doesn't sound like gold was on any menu.
That's where your wrong.
Classic dish at Providence.
Geoduck with gold foil.
A delightful culinary inside joke from chef de cuisine Michael Cimarusti.
Wait, there's a restaurant where rich people can literally eat gold? L.
A.
's second most famous critic, Dorothy Montclair, was actually there yesterday and wrote a review and called it, "Worth Its Weight in Itself.
" Two food critics at the same restaurant on the same night.
How often does that happen? I guess it is pretty weird, especially because they do not like each other.
I mean, she was basically number one in town until Petey Silver re-invented food writing.
It was in the 10 minutes of "City of Silver" I was awake for.
Why the hell didn't you tell me that before? What, and spoil the movie? Montclair's editor said she's here on assignment.
She might be hard to find.
She keeps a low profile when reviewing a place.
So, she's in disguise.
Oh, no, how are we ever gonna find her? Good thing I've spent 10,000 hours in a makeup chair.
I spy with my little eye Ah.
Dark glasses, multiple entrees.
Bingo.
You want me to cuff her, or do you want to cuff one hand at a time? We actually don't have enough to arrest her.
It's not a crime to hate someone.
Sounds like we got to trick her into arresting herself.
Mind games.
Is that chowder? It smelled chowdery.
I wonder if there's clams in that.
God, I'm hungry.
God, you're an idiot.
My sense of smell gets super sensitive when I'm cleansing.
I'm like a pregnant Spider-Man.
Hey, Ryan Hansen.
Don't be alarmed.
I'm sorry, who? I know, it's a part of your character.
I'm a master of disguise, as well.
That's why I was attached to play Pistachio Disguisey Jr.
in the straight-to-DVD sequel of "Master of Disguise," "Son of Master of Disguise.
" Project fell apart when "Son of the Mask" tanked, which is a shame because we had a much fresher take on being the son of a thing.
Oh.
Please, don't hurt me.
Don't worry, ma'am, we're not gonna hurt you.
Police.
No, we're not gonna hurt you, but you might get hurt.
Psst.
What? Let's give her the "SVU" treatment.
I'm Ice-T, you're John Munch.
Follow me.
Just ignore him.
Perfect Munch.
Hey, we know what you're up to.
Now, just come clean, you dig? Hey, put that down.
Sure, Munch.
Just as soon as Dorothy here confesses.
Sorry, who do you think I am? - Oh! - Whoa! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, Jesus! I'm so sorry, Mrs.
Montclair! Excuse me.
I'm Dorothy Montclair.
Are you looking for me? Oh.
Well, seems like this should go on the blooper reel, right? So, you stabbed an incredibly famous actress in the hand? She's just trying to eat her lunch without getting recognized! And we didn't recognize her.
Hey, no harm no foul.
I mean, she looked like a day-player with the hat and sunglasses.
Yeah, well, she wasn't.
She was an extremely famous actress! I know.
It's an incredible get for the show.
I mean, this could do for YouTube Red what Spacey did for Netflix.
We're really sorry, Captain Jackson.
Once we realized our mistake, we apologized to Miss Don't say the name! I don't understand why we're keeping this a secret.
Look, all three of us know who we're talking about.
Well, we can't pay her medical bills and her guest star quote.
The point is, there's no way this stays out of the papers.
I mean, not with an actress of that caliber.
Even though it was extremely unprofessional, the stabbing did lead us to Montclair.
So, uh, you think stabbing people is the easiest way to solve a crime, right? Oh.
- Is it? - No! Now, get the hell out of my office! Leave the canoli.
Silver and I had our differences, that is true.
Now, is that it, or do you want to talk to my lawyers? You may be able to intimidate those chefs at their fancy restaurants, but a bad review from you won't scare us.
Really? Because I find your police work bland and uninspiring.
Whatevs.
I stopped listening to my own reviews a long time ago.
They're just words.
They can't hurt me.
You hear that, Manohla Dargis? Did you poison Petey Silver? No.
If anything, Petey Silver poisoned the art of food writing.
I mean, he goes to some strip-mall Chinese place and eats a gallon of fried scorpions and then writes a blog.
Is that worthy of a James Beard award? What's next, an Oscar for best YouTube video? Oh, my God, I hope so.
Are they really talking about that? Not even in your wettest dreams.
Ms.
Montclair, where were you between 6:00 and 8:00 p.
m.
on the night of the murder? I'm not sure, exactly.
I stop at a lot of places.
It's my job.
Our job is to sit here until you tell us the truth.
I think I might actually go hit the vending machine.
I've been good all week.
I can cheat a little bit.
- No.
- Geez.
Thank you.
You know what, the only person I'd be cheating - is myself.
- What is this? Expenses.
These receipts wouldn't have the dates and times of all the restaurants you've been to, would they? They would, indeed.
Let's see, uh Yes, here we are.
The night of the murder, I was doing a review of Gordon Ramsay's new place at the London.
Can we see that receipt? Can I see a warrant? You were at the London on Tuesday? That's what I just said.
You got an invite? Ashton told Cryer that the birthday party was fam only.
Well, Ashton and I go way back, so That's crazy that's 'cause I didn't see you there.
Um, but I was in the way back at Wilmer's table, so it's Whoa, whoa, what the hell is going on? It's, um All right, I confess, all right? I I told everybody that I went to that party, but I didn't even get invited.
Did I lie about that? Yes.
Did I try to sneak in the laundry chute with Danny Masterson? Guilty as charged.
Do I regret it? On that one count, find me innocent, because you get one chance to punk your way into the Kutcher Krew.
But you didn't even know Ashton Kutcher rented out the London, did you? Okay, I I admit it.
I wasn't there.
Now might be a good time to lawyer up, Montclair.
That won't be necessary.
I'll talk.
But if this gets out, my career is over.
I couldn't have killed Silver.
The night of the murder, I was at the one restaurant - I love the most.
- Anocha? Hey, can you get me a reservation? My agent almost took me there once.
Bubba Gump Shrimp Company.
Oh! Do they even have a vegan option? Yes.
The tofu scampi is better than Forrest Gump's ping pong game.
There's a reason they are one of the fastest growing and most successful franchises in the world.
I don't know what's sadder, your alibi or that product placement.
Look, your secret is safe with us, as long as someone can confirm you were there.
Well, I I never expense it, for obvious reasons.
But, uh Well, check with the hostess.
I can't go a week without having my Lieutenant Dan pan-fried ham.
You expect us to believe that? Ham isn't even a type of shrimp.
Welcome to Bubba Gump Shrimp.
Hi, ma'am.
Were you working here last Tuesday night? I sure was.
Do you remember this woman? She might go by the name Jenny.
Yeah, every Tuesday has a "Rum, Forrest, Rum" at the bar and then has our worst-tasting entree.
Sounds like someone in desperate need of a cleanse.
I know.
And I keep trying to get her to try the jumbo shrimp or the barbecue shrimp or the boiled shrimp or the pepper shrimp, shrimp soup, shrimp salad, shrimp and potatoes Okay, you've been very helpful.
Thank you so much.
And come back for Bubba Gump trivia night.
You don't need to know anything as long as you answer the questions with love in your heart.
- Great.
Awesome.
- That's nice.
So, it looks like Montclair's alibi checks out.
So, what do we do now Kick it down to Mark Paul Gosselaar in cold case? Not yet.
Someone knew that, if Silver died, fingers would be pointed in Montclair's direction.
That wouldn't do the real killer any good unless her alibi was something she'd be too embarrassed to use.
But who would know she'd be here every Tuesday? I mean, her editor, another critic? I'm starting to lose feeling in my extremities.
I think I'll feel better if I smell some shrimp.
Oh, hey, Dr.
Mindblast.
What? Well, I mean, brain plus mushroom cloud plus Bubba Gump, seems like Dr.
Mindblast to me.
What do you see? I see our prime suspect.
Huh.
They say there's no wrong way to look at art, but that seems like a stretch to me.
- Keep your eyes open.
- Of course.
I wouldn't want to miss any of these pieces.
Sure, the guy might be a murderer, but he's got an interesting point of view.
Look at that.
Oh, wow.
What an interesting combination of mysterious religious symbolism and a brain exploding out of someone's head.
So cool.
No, I mean this empty can of turpentine.
Common household astringent.
Also used to clean paint brushes.
Lines up with what the medical examiner found in Petey Silver.
You got a great eye, Mathers.
You don't need a great eye to know this guy's extremely disturbed.
I'm an instinctual artist.
I depict what I feel inside.
Like, right now, I feel - hungry.
- Dude, me, too.
This cleanse is killing me.
Sit tight.
I got some goji berries in the back.
- Oh, yeah.
- No, Hansen.
Who knows what kind of poison he's got back there.
We know you did it.
And we know you tried to set up Montclair to take the fall.
Unless you got some kind of proof, I suggest you speak to the lawyers that administrate my trust.
Huh.
Well, maybe we can show them the, uh, Yelp review that you left the night of the murder.
Let's see.
"The Nam Prik Ong is the best outside of Thailand.
Did I mention I've been to Thailand?" You said you were at the Integratron when this places you at the murder scene.
I didn't mean to kill them, okay? I just wanted them to get sick so Petey would write a bad review about the place.
Do you know what happens when that guy gives a place a rave? It blows up! He's the reason a dude can't just grab buldak or a bowl of tsukemen without tripping over a bunch of white people.
You're white.
I like to think of myself more as, like, a brand.
I just couldn't stand to see my favorite Thai truck become so popular that I would have to wait in line to get my morning mung bean stir fry.
Turn yourself in now, and maybe you can cut a deal.
Like I told my parents when they asked me to pay back the money they loaned me for art school I'm too high to deal with this right now! - Whoa, get down! - Whoa! Hey, you did not have to tackle me! That is papier-mâché! Sorry, my hero instinct just kicked in.
- Wait, you okay? - No, I'm good.
Never felt healthier.
I'm pretty sure I'm 91% of my max heart rate, so it's a good thing.
You've got to eat some food.
I think I got some cleanse left.
Don't move or I will blow your brains out.
What? All the good stuff was at the bottom.
Hey, we got him! Whoo-whoo! You let us know how that Thai food is in prison.
Yeah, probably not so hot, by which I mean neither spicy nor good quality.
I did that old lady a favor.
Exposure and celebrity just lead to added pressure.
- Tell me about it.
- Street art became a chore once it was my real job.
I loved it when it was just a hobby and I was paying the bills as a deejay.
I cannot stand to hear this sick psychopath talk any longer.
Get him out of here.
Hey, Ryan, just remember never let money get in the way of your art.
Whoa.
What an oddly relevant thing for a psychopath to say.
Huh.
Hey, come on, let me buy you dinner.
What a perfect way to end the "Friends" Cleanse, huh? All this talk about food trucks and I've actually never been to one.
Wait, seriously? Oh, you are in for a treat.
The best place to get truly authentic Mexican food Los Angeles.
Hey, man, can I get a kale shell veggie taco with extra turmeric and no fatty veggies.
You're got to at least put some chicken on there or something.
What, and ruin my thigh gap? - No way.
- Your what? My thigh gap.
Hey, honey, what's cooking? There's my favorite activist and artist.
- Mwah.
- How was your day? Oh, it was great.
Solved a quintuple homicide and got a lot of thinking done.
Wow.
I barely managed to do the laundry.
I'm trying to decide which commercial to go out for, Coke or Pepsi.
A choice that has stumped the world for centuries.
But stuff happened to me today and I think I realize that the answer for me, it's gonna be Coke.
Didn't you say a Pepsi commercial would be a more fulfilling project, artistically? But Coke would be better for my career, which would mean a better life for us and our kids.
But what's best for you is what's best for us.
We can tighten our belts a little.
So, we get rid of cable for a few months.
So what? We can get by on Netflix and YouTube Red.
Yeah.
They are two totally equivalent services.
I mean, maybe we eat out a little less often.
- That's okay.
- Yeah.
John Cryer can make more meals at home.
Hope you like your peanut butter and jelly extra spicy.
Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Hey, what are you three muppets hiding behind your backs? We know you wanted to do the Pepsi commercial, so don't worry.
If it doesn't pay enough money, you can have these.
Our piggy banks! Oh, you guys didn't have to do that.
Wait a minute.
How much is in here? I made a choice, and it's a choice of this generation.
That's my favorite Pepsi tagline.
You remembered! Oh, guys, I'm the luckiest dad in the world.
You won't be saying that after dinner tonight.
Hey, what up, what up? How's it going, guys? Great.
Thank you, Ryan.
Let's just see what you got.
Okay, so it's And crack, chug? Yeah.
Sure.
Yeah.
Got it.
Pepsi.
#Resist your thirst! All right.
Thanks, Ryan.
Thank you guys so much.
Hey, um, just really quick, I want to say thank you for having me read this commercial.
I think it's really important what you guys are trying to say, especially in these difficult times.
'Cause I really relate to it, you know, as an artist, activist, millennial, and a think-fluencer.
Yeah.
Thank you, Ryan.
Thank you, guys.
Ryan, leave the can, please.
- Sorry about that.
- And can you clean up this mess? Yeah.
Just get a