Ryan Hansen Solves Crimes on Television (2017) s02e03 Episode Script

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1 Hey, guys.
I have some critical news to share with you.
Just got some test results back, screen test results that is.
The YouTube Premium content doctors say my new partner Vince is a perfect match for a transplant, a partner transplant.
Okay, homies, I got to jawbone with Mathers privately.
ICU later.
(SIGHS) Hey, Mathers.
Your body might be trapped here in a coma, but I know your spirit is looking over me and doing really good work.
Maybe even getting nominated for some awards.
Sometimes I worry that your spirit's doing so well out there it'll never want to come back.
Wait, you're definitely gonna come back though, right? Even for just like a cameo? Come on, Mathers, it's just not working with this new guy.
Please come back.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm making this all about me.
Let's talk about you.
You should know that it's looking really good for me in that "Black Panther" musical.
I hear they're talking to Timothée Chalamet and they probably watched my self-tape, so I assume we're the finalists.
It's one of those things where it's two guys of very similar looks and ages.
We were both born in the '90s The '80s is something we've only read about in history books.
Ah, excuse me history blogs.
Well, gotta run.
Getting Botox.
I mean, giving Botox.
I don't need it.
(MUSIC PLAYING) (IMITATING GUN COCKING) (POLICE RADIO CHATTER) So great of you to show up.
The body's only half decomposed.
Oh, my God, is that Wait, who is that? VINCE: His learner's permit says his name is Brock Tad.
I'm surprised you haven't heard of him.
Apparently, he's what passes for famous now for anybody under the age of 30.
Big into prank videos and random YouTube bullshit.
Oh, Brock Tad, of course.
Yes, no, I know that name, and that face and that work.
Big, big fan.
Yeah, mad heartbroken right now.
Ugh.
Well, so is he after getting stabbed in the chest - with this thing.
- Tweeny Awards.
Best Male Influencers, ages 25 to 26.
- Damn, he's got a Tweeny.
- What the hell is a Tweeny? A Tween Choice.
It's one of the most prestigious awards you can get.
It's the second silent T in EGOTT Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, Tony, Tweeny.
Well, someone didn't appreciate his diverse range of talents.
Oh, my God.
Am I next? Not a single thing in that sentence is a reference to you.
Um, hello? "Celebrities"? This madman is after people who shine a little extra light on the world, and that is exactly me.
I'm pretty sure that's a reference to the fact that 1600 Vine is home to a lot of internet celebrities.
Wait, how'd you know that? It's in the brochure.
Oh, 1600 Vine.
No, no, I know where we are.
Yeah, I just said the address to you.
You know, you have a great short-term memory.
You're kind of like if a golden retriever became a detective.
Oh, talk about a great idea for season three.
Anyway, let's go talk to the kid that found the body and try not to get too distracted by anything bright and shiny.
Pfft.
Ooh, penny.
That's good luck.
Hey.
Ooh, never mind.
It's tails.
Yo, God, my homie's now in your home.
Now make like a Red Bull, God, and give that bitch wings.
- This is the guy.
- Oh.
He's some other internet video, or I don't know.
- He goes by Young Tricky.
- Guy.
Tricky, Young Tricky, yeah.
Big fan, big fan.
Major influencer.
We shouldn't interrupt him, he's working.
Hey, yo, y'all gotta hit up YoungTricky.
com to get that special Brock Tad tribute drone decal, and like and subscribe to honor his memory.
Okay, now we can approach.
Follow my lead.
I'm gonna speak to him on a content creator to content creator level.
You know, make him feel at ease so he doesn't peg us as cops right away.
Great, I'll just sit over here while you screw this up immediately.
Hey, yo, what up, Young Tricky? Let me rap at you for a sec, son.
- Rap? - Yeah.
- Wait, are you a cop? - Actor-cop, Ryan Hansen.
You'd probably recognize this face if you were seeing it on an iPhone.
- I'm a fellow contemporary.
- Who would do this? Who had a grudge against Brock? Yo, honestly, like, no one.
I mean, Brock was fam and lit AF.
- Like, he was dank memes.
- Obvi.
Y'all don't get it.
Brock was the first one to do pranks on Vine.
He's a legend, and everyone loved him.
Yo, without Brock, I would've never thought of the zoo prank.
Damn, dawg, the zoo prank? So sick.
But for old gramps over here, do you mind describing it as if we literally have never heard that before? What is that? So me and my boys, we go to the zoo and we fire a T-shirt cannon filled with human shit at the chimps! - Yup.
- How is that a prank? They probably deserved it, right? All walking around, like, not covered in human shit? So why you YouTube people all live together? It wasn't always like this.
Originally, we were Vine celebrities, but when that went under, some of us parlayed that unstable fame into long-lasting YouTube notoriety.
We notorious.
Can I just say, I think it is so cool that you guys got famous on Vine and now you live on Vine.
What is that, like housing kismet? Planned coincidence? It's a savage-ass method of synergizing content.
I mean, we can all collab hella easy.
It's like we in a click clique.
Like, we get the clicks and we are a clique.
- Yo, that's good.
- Yeah.
I'ma start that hash.
That sounds shameless.
Yo, thanks, man, I appreciate you.
For real, though, I mean, this is like a womb for content, and what we make are these beautiful, miraculous little babies called likes and subscribes.
The killer left a message, "The rest of you celebrities are next.
" Who would have a vendetta against YouTube stars, aside anybody with an internet connection? Yo, I bet it was Boris.
He's the building's super.
And he super sucks.
And he hated Brock.
But we dab on them haters.
- You feel me? - RYAN: I so feel you.
I feel you so hard.
I feel you so hard inside of me.
- What was that? - What? That was a dank dab.
You don't even know what that is.
- Oh, my goodness.
- Nah, I don't do that.
(SIGHS) All right, let's get this Boris guy quick.
If he kills another one of these people, that means we got to come back here.
Well, let's not hurry up too much.
We could still juice plenty of crossover synergy - out of this one.
- (PHONE CHIMES) Whoa! We're getting a cameo from this girl.
My name's Amanda Cerny.
I have 22 million Instagram followers.
Are you my Postmate? - No, I'm Ryan Hansen.
- Let's keep it moving.
Okay, so you do or do not have my quinoa smoothie? Hey, guys, it's Amber.
Ugh, no.
- Hey, guys, it's Amber.
- Nailed it.
My album drops Friday and the doc about my album drops Saturday! Dope.
Why all these people filming themselves? Because they're going outside the existing power structures to tell stories that need to be told.
Yo, bro, get me doing it over here.
All right, guys, today I'm doing the Dirt Devil challenge.
Let's get nuts, pun intended.
(WHIRRING) - Whoa! - Whoa! Ho, Ho! Hey, fellow Tuber, Tube star Ryan Hansen.
We're basically peers.
Hey, if you ever wanted to guest or be a series regular on my show, or just stream ourselves playing something called - "Fortnite.
" - You're on YouTube? Ah.
Well, it's actually YouTube Premium.
So it's just like what you do, but you have to pay for it.
So less people watch it, but it costs way more money to make.
Cool, good luck with that.
Wait.
Oh, come on! What happened to the savage-ass method of collabing? Is it a tight squeeze trying to crawl up these kids' assholes? Hey, this generation's all about making social change through social content.
It's no different than your generation protesting Vietnam.
Dude, you're two years older than me.
- For now.
- What? You know they say Charlize Theron looks ageless? Well, there's a reason for that.
We have the same agent's babysitter's agent, who told me that Charlize has her telomeres artificially lengthened.
Biologically, she's completely stopped aging.
What are telomeres? Oh, it's a DNA thing.
And you can lengthen them? Well, not in the U.
S.
You'd have to fly to Paraguay.
But there's a significant chance I damaged my genome, so it's a win-win.
No matter how young you may look, you will never be able to come up with the same amount of mindless horseshit as these walking sperms.
Challenge accepted.
And the search continues.
Hey, ladies, who do you think the killer is? Who are you? Kind of rude to answer a question with a question, - don't you think? - Is it? Jeez.
Hey, that's him, right? - Uh, you think? - Oh, it's gotta be him.
Dude's older than everybody in this building combined.
No judgment, got plenty of sympathy for the youthfully-challenged.
Boris? Yes? Where were you last night between 10:30 and midnight? Please, guys, Boris is very tired.
Just cut to chase.
Why all the asking? Ryan Hansen, celebrity vice squad.
There's been a murder, old-timer.
From the looks of your driver's license, Boris is five years younger than you.
And is organ donor.
We can handle this at the station unless you want to donate those organs now.
Nice one.
Whoa! - Go! - On it.
Ryan, he's running! Go, go, go! Here we go.
Oh, my God.
I'm gonna kill him.
I'm gonna kill him.
Hey! Come on, Boris.
Only guilty people run.
Don't count on all this synergy to save you.
What's up, fansens? Hansen in hot pursuit.
Slow down! I'm trying to keep myself in frame.
Hey! Boris! God, a lot of hallways in this place.
What is this, "Westworld"? I need a map to get out of this crazy maze.
How's that guy so fast? That Russian doping thing is no joke.
Oh, but "Icarus.
" So good, right? Oh! Aw, yeah, fool! - Like Terry J.
! - Yeah! Your lucky my gun was wet, or I'd shoot you.
I was just about to do that, seriously, but I pulled a hammy back there.
Aw, yeah, "Ryan Hansen Solves Crimes on Television.
" Just solved another one.
Maybe.
Could be assault.
We don't know yet.
Hey, like and subscribe to find out.
(CHEERING) Like and subscribe, like and sub Wow.
You guys, I love the energy, love the enthusiasm, looked like you were really having fun out there.
I'm not so sure about the final product, though.
It just leaves me feeling a little meh and kinda ugh, you know? Not that I'm not obsessed with it, because I am.
It's just I'm getting a lot of calls from the Mayor's office about this thing going viral.
And when Daddy's not happy, - Mommy's not happy.
- Yeah.
But I am a huge fan of your work, just know that, okay? Thank you so much.
And just so you know, I totally would've caught this guy a lot faster, but, um, you know, I was having a hard time filming myself and running.
- So - Pregunto, why were you filming yourself? Um body cam.
Body cams point away from the officer, - not toward them.
- Hey, if you want, Larissa can get you guys a couple body cams.
We get free shipping with Prime Video.
- That'd be amazing.
- Aw, no problem.
I love helping.
That's why I got out of the TV business and into the police-on-TV business.
And now I get to deal with fewer criminals.
You could laugh.
Right? Wait a second, did nobody offer you a water? (SIGHS) I swear to God, sometimes it's like teaching a gorilla how to do sign language.
Larissa! Larissa is a close friend's daughter.
I can't wait to fire her.
Hi.
Could you go get a goddamn water for our guests? Make it Fiji or Volvic.
If I see Dasani, there will be a problem, and that will problem will be how to keep you from telling HR that I shoved a bottle of water up your asshole.
Where were we? Captain, we got a suspect, and I think we can break this guy.
That's great, 'cause there's a lot of enthusiasm about solving this murder coming from city hall.
You know what the mayor would be totally stoked to see? Is, like, a fun four-quadrant criminal prosecution.
Yeah? Okay.
Get out of my office, you two.
Tell your wives I said hello or whatever.
Finally, Larissa.
Are you fucking kidding me? Voss? Why don't you just scoop up some L.
A.
river water and spit it into their mouth like a mama bird? (SIGHS) So, Boris, we know you killed the kid, we just don't know why.
I didn't kill nobody.
Yeah? That's what they all say.
- Chubby bunny.
- What are you doing? Oh, it's the chubby bunny challenge.
The whole Tube community is doing it.
See, you put a marshmallow in your mouth and you have to say "chubby bunny" after every sentence, chubby bunny.
It's the chubby bunny challenge.
Chubby bunny.
Well, if it prevents you from talking, I'm all for it.
So, Boris, I want to believe you, but why would you flee the scene? I run because I didn't think you're real police.
You know, you maybe.
But him? It's a stretch.
That doesn't answer the question, even if we weren't real police, why would you run? These kids and their YouTube, they're always pulling pranks on me.
Last week, a tenant jumps out of bushes dressed like scary Joker from new "Batman.
" He say, "Why you serious?" Doesn't even get quote right.
(LAUGHS) Oh, you should've seen your face, bro.
Hilarious.
Look it, they got the makeup right and everything.
I hope they're taking care of you up there, Jared Leto.
Chubby bunny.
Let next video autoplay.
Has alibi on it.
- Give it.
Let me see.
- Okay.
BROCK: Here we go, here we go.
Sorry, man, huge lunch.
Hey, yo, do they not celebrate Fourth of July in Russia? What the hell do you (SHOUTING) - (EXPLOSIONS) - (LAUGHTER) Ugh, you get the fuck out of here, you fucking YouTube, you See? See? I can't kill tenant.
I was in hospital last night because of prank.
Well, it may seem cruel, but 30 million views can't be wrong.
Chubby bunny.
Doctors say inside of arm is dead.
I am genuinely sorry.
Chubby bunny.
(SIREN CHIRPS) (POLICE RADIO CHATTER) Well, besides Boris, everybody loved Brock.
His videos were "yass, queen," and he was totally squad goals.
Do you have any idea what you're even saying? Oh, come on, don't be such a pawg.
No, check this out, this clip is totally bazinga.
It's a killer app ASL, BRB, ASMR.
It's times like this I'm so glad I have a flip phone.
What? No way.
What if you're in a life or death sitch and you have no way of instantly finding out what show won the Globe for Best Comedy in 2016? It was "Veep.
" Wait, was it "Veep"? MAN: "Mozart in the Jungle.
" "Mozart in the Jungle"? What's that? Hmm.
Sounds funny.
- But, if that can win, anything can.
- That's good news for us, right? Is that Young Tricky? Now if this is not a flamethrower, then I will not be lighting a fart on fire.
It's a collab.
Young Tricky's guesting on Brock's video.
- But this isn't Brock's place.
- No, that's Young Tricky's.
Wait, I thought Young Tricky lived at 1600 Vine.
- That's the Oakwood.
- How can you tell? Because all the apartments are pre-furnished the same way.
The Oakwood is where actors stay when they first come to L.
A.
It's kind of embarrassing to live there.
Oh, that's probably why you recognize the furniture then.
You know what? Insults like that is why they had to rename the entire apartment complex.
It's not called the Oakwood anymore? I mean, names change.
But YouTube Premium is here to stay.
For now.
So it's a big deal to move from the Oakwood or whatever they call it to 1600 Vine, right? Oh, yeah.
It's your best bet for achieving lasting internet fame.
- But there are no vacancies.
- You checked? I would never pull my kids out of school move them halfway across Los Angeles just for the chance to up my Q-Rating with millennials.
Also, it's a two-bedroom.
That's not happening.
Where am I gonna put my Pilates reformer, in the toilet? Also, somebody jumped on the opening before I could explain my low credit rating.
Yeah, that somebody's probably Young Tricky.
Mm, I don't know.
What are the odds the murderer turns out to be the first person we talked to? (MUSIC PLAYING) - (KNOCKS ON DOOR) - Yo, I could use some help.
Would you grab one of those boxes for me? - What the hell are you doing? - What? Ah, good note.
Don't help the murderer.
Thank you.
You're under the arrest for the murder of Brock Tad.
Did one of my homies put you up to this? 'Cause I did that same exact fake cop prank to my girlfriend last month and she loved it.
We're getting engaged next week, at least, that's what she thinks.
I'm sorry to break this to you, kid, but the only engagement you'll be having will be with a jury of your peers.
Yeah, and guess where your wedding's gonna be? In jail.
And guess who's gonna be your DJ? A guy named DJ, your cellmate in jail.
- Nailed it.
- Thank you.
I'm not going anywhere.
You got no proof.
Hmm, if only there was a device which Brock used to record every waking moment of his life, - including his murder.
- Hmm.
Oh, wait, there is.
(IMITATES STRIKE) Oh! (VOCALIZING) Once we crack the passcode, we're gonna have all the proof we need.
So one, two, three, four.
Nope.
One, two, three, five.
Nope.
- One, two, three - Hey, let the lab crack it, Hansen.
- Put it down.
- Yo, how'd you get that? Oh, we found that in the dumpster behind your apartment.
- Your real apartment.
- Was it underneath your career? Hey, nobody takes jabs at my partner's insecurities except me.
Hey, Vince, this is like one of the coolest things ever and I know this is a part of your season-long character arc, but we can't rough up the suspects, okay? That's one kind of viral video we can live without.
(GRUNTS) Okay, fine, I did it.
I wanted in at 1600 and I thought I could peg it on Boris.
But you don't know what it's like living in some lame-ass apartment really, really wanting to be famous.
I'm not going back.
I can't live anywhere but here.
Oh, you could live in jail.
Yeah, it's kind of like living at the Oakwood.
Whoa.
Young Tricky, where you going, man? - Hey.
- I'm escaping.
I used to disrupt traditional media via YouTube videos.
Now I'm disrupting this arrest by peacing the eff out.
Whoa, whoa! We are ten stories up.
He could fall.
He could die.
I'm kind of cool with that.
Well, I'm not.
Shit.
It's Ry guy ti me.
Oh, boy.
Ahh.
Okay, yeah, this is very high up here.
Okay.
Uh, Young Tricky, look, you wanted to increase your clicks and you did a crazy thing.
But, hey, listen, everybody does crazy things to drive engagement.
I once performed an exorcism on a poblano because I misunderstood the ghost pepper challenge.
You what? I made a mistake and so did you.
You, you are still young, Young Tricky.
You have long, luxurious telomeres.
You still have time to change before you become Middle-Aged Tricky.
And trust me, you can't buy back your youth unless you pay a private detective $2,700 to go to the DMV in Tarzana and back-date your license.
- Did you do that? - This isn't about me.
This is about you and how the world will be worse off without your random internet content captioned only by emojis.
So, hey, why don't you come back inside, huh? (CARS HONKING) I mean Meek Mill did double his following while he was in prison right? Yeah, that sounds like a person and a reason to get off the ledge.
You're doing the right thing, son.
Uh, sonny.
I meant that it's sunny out, not that I'm old enough to have an adult child.
- Obvi.
- If I give up my freedom, I'ma least have to give it up to my fans.
Okay, do your thing.
- Whoa, whoa.
- No, my phone! Young Tricky, no, you're gonna fall! Hansen, I got you! You saved my life.
I just didn't want to do all that paperwork if you died.
Thanks, man.
Really means a lot to me.
Don't worry about it, kid.
With good behavior, you'll be out in, like, 10, 15 tops.
Hey, that's not so bad.
I'll still be younger than you guys.
Yeah, we'll still be younger than you, Vince.
Burn.
So long, Brock Tad.
Your art, like your telomeres, was something special.
How about one last like before you collab with the big influencer in the sky? BROCK: I just got out of this movie premiere.
It was trash.
Hey, I'm about to go up to one of these actors, tell him he deserves an Oscar.
Let's see if he's dumb enough to believe that.
Pretty funny.
Maybe the kid did have some chops.
Eh, it's not his best work.
You see the one where he throws the mini fridge off the overpass? Now that is funny.
Enough of this screen time, man.
Let's go process this twerp.
Whoa, whoa.
Hey, this was the night Mathers was shot.
Hey, you know actors, they believe anything you tell them, you know? They believe any That's kind of weird.
You see anything? What? Uh, no.
I clicked off of it.
Now it's a dachshund race.
Oops, I did it again.
Now it's a ten-hour flat Earth doc.
Uh, oh, keep clicking off.
This is Um Oopsie, now it's "Cobra Kai" fan reactions.
See you at the precinct.
(SITCOM THEME PLAYS) (APPLAUSE) - Hey.
- Hey.
Did someone get a tasteful amount of Botox under the eyes? Aw, thanks, honey, I'm glad you noticed.
- I had a tough day at work.
- Yeah? Yeah, we added a serialized element to the show, and I'm just not sure if it's gonna play or not.
Well, I think you look great, and that's all that matters to me.
I think I'm just stressed out about landing "Wakanda Forever.
" I just know they're gonna give it to someone younger.
Ryan, Hollywood is fickle, but it's not that fickle.
People still respect talent, and talent is way more important than chasing whatever's new and hot.
That's not us.
This is us.
- (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) - Awe, I love that show.
If my face wasn't frozen, I'd be tearing up right now.
Hey, Dad, you look great.
Wait, what's going on here? Something is off.
You, you know you can't have that.
Come on, Dad, everyone has smartphones in this timeline.
It's practically present day.
(LAUGHTER) Listen up, new kids.
Come here.
I learned two lessons today.
Number one, smartphones are a gateway to homicide.
And two, don't be in a hurry to grow up.
You might be young in this timeline, but soon you'll be in a different timeline where you're much older and everything's confusing, but it's still super sad.
So, hey, give me that phone, bub.
I wish you were dead, Dad.
- (LAUGHTER) - Shh.
Kevin, no spoilers.
- (LAUGHTER) - Hey, kids, I think what your father is saying - is to value your youth.
- Not just value it, cling to it, hard, even if it hurts.
(PIANO MUSIC PLAYING) See kids, as soon as we're born, we begin to rot.
Your body betrays you at every turn.
That's why Benjamin Button is the luckiest man in history.
There's nothing worse than getting old, and nothing better than being a highly experienced baby.
Anyway, enough of this piano music.
Pile on Dad.
It's time for a hug-arino.
Come on.
Aw, you guys.
You know, I am so glad we decided to change it up - with the cast this year.
- Oh, me, too.
I like our old kids fine, but these new ones can carry us to season three on their tiny teenage shoulders.
You are always thinking of your family, Ryan.
I really like and subscribe you.
I really like and subscribe you, too, hon.
- AUDIENCE: Aww.
- (LAUGHTER) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) Next station! Hey, let's go! Hurry up! Hustle! Hey, hey, hey, hey.
You fading? Huh? That's another rep! Come on, move, move! Pick it up! Let's go! Don't you die on me.
Don't you dare die on me! Oh, shit, I think she's dead.
Your brains, madam.
(MAN GROANS)