Ryan Hansen Solves Crimes on Television (2017) s02e04 Episode Script

I'm Sorry, She Classpassed

1 Hey, Han fam.
Just picking up some fresh grocerinos at one of L.
A.
's crazy fancy grocery stores, where it's acceptable for stars to pretend like they eat.
Looking for the best serum to help me lean out and buff up for my "Black Panther" musical audition.
See, in Wakanda, they only care about two things Hiding their vibranium and showing off their superhuman pecs.
I'm getting this dope-ass homeopathic bee pollen for Mathers.
Her Western doctors haven't been able to wake her up, but this is guaranteed to do so.
Or so says the Ask A Wiccan subreddit.
P.
S.
, fansens, I need you to keep that last post between us.
I don't want Vince to find out that I'm trying to wake up Mathers.
I mean, if Vince was there the night she got shot, why is he lying about it? Because he shot her? And if Vince did shoot her, what will he do to keep that a secret? I mean, he is always saying he's gonna kill me.
Is that buddy cop banter or enemy cop foreshadowing? I don't know.
Either way, I'll do everything in my power to wake up my partner.
That'll be $90.
What, seriously? Do you have any non-organic bee pollen? (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) (IMITATING GUN COCKING) (MUSIC PLAYING) (WHISTLING) (POLICE RADIO CHATTER) - What is he up to? - Is that the piece? RYAN: Oh, my God.
Is that a gun in a brown paper bag? - Keep it on the low.
Here.
- Oh, thank God for looping.
I gotta get the hell outta here.
Ooh.
Dude, so sorry.
- Wait, Nate? What are you doing here? - Hey.
My agent has never visited me on set or a crime scene.
- This is so cool.
- Uh, crime scene? Since when did it become illegal to check in on my number-one guy? Seriously? I'm your number-one guy? Come on, who sent you that DM four days after your birthday? Of course you are, bro.
I mean, since Toback, Spacey, C.
K.
, Charlie Rose, Lauer, Danny Masterson, and the Bhagwan went down, you've always been my number one.
Well, I'm so glad you're here.
This is really cool.
- I actually just left word for you.
- Yeah? - Um - What's up? My (SIGHS) Well, I'm just feeling kinda threatened by my partner.
I get it, man.
I mean, she steals every scene with that Emmy win glow, but this coma? Cha-ching! You can finally be the star.
Wait, are you talking about Mathers? No, 'cause I'm talking about my new partner Vince.
Uh, yeah, Vince, your partner.
Who's new.
I totally follow the show.
I watch every episode the week it comes out.
Well, it all comes out at once.
And that's why I block off nine minutes that day and watch them all.
B.
T.
dubs, I'm super sorry Mathers got shot.
- Yeah.
- Total tragedy.
Though, I gotta say, the show got a sympathy bump.
- Your ratings are way up.
- Hmm.
Same thing happened on "Friends" after Matthew Perry gained all that weight.
Oh.
You're late, Hansen.
This Yeah! Hey, you must be Vince.
- I'm Ryan's agent, Nate.
- My agent.
If you're ever looking for "representacionne" No.
What's up? Impressive.
That card was wax-coated.
We got a dead body in there.
I'll see you inside.
- That was intense, huh? - Yeah.
He's a total loose cannon.
- If he ever tries to hurt you - I think he might.
Let him.
It could be great for the show.
I actually think he might kill me.
Relax, Ry.
I got a good sense for predators and he seems okay to me.
- (PHONE RINGS) - Oh, Ratner's calling.
Hey, man.
How's my number-one guy doing? Hey, sorry about Nate back there.
He's just looking out 'cause I'm his number-one client.
His terrible business decisions is his problem.
What? No way.
Dude, Nate is crushing it.
Okay, in 2009, he was one of "Variety's" Best Dressed Agents to Watch.
They don't just let anyone be photographed next to a ladder and a bunch of apple boxes.
Uh-huh.
So, preliminary assessment says the body shows signs of poisoning.
- Mm.
- Personally, I think she looks healthier than you.
(SCOFFS) It's a tie, at best.
Hey! Pause on all the weightlifting.
We got a murder here, you fucking beef slabs! Yeah, you beef slabs.
Psst, Vince, it's not weightlifting.
It's CrossFit.
It's interval training, weights, gymnastics, cardio.
They have a different workout of the day.
We call them "wads.
" Oh, yeah? You take a lot of wads? Oh, yeah, I've taken a lot of wads.
You ever blow a wad? No, man, come on, I can achieve multiple high-quality wads a day.
You ever take a wad on the face? Mm, legs, arms, I don't think they have face classes.
That'd be cool, though.
Well, by the look of our girl here, she's been taking a workout-of-the-day every day, so we need to talk to her instructor.
See, I don't know.
Okay, we got spin class leggings, aerial yoga bra, crunning croptop.
I think we're dealing with a class-passer.
Tell it to me like I'm new to the L.
A.
asshole game.
Class-pass.
All right, it's super popular in L.
A.
So, instead of a gym membership, you pay a flat fee, and you can access all these specialty workout studios, like this one, all over the city.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, looks like our girl dipped a non-slip toe sock into every workout trend in L.
A.
So, yeah, I mean, we could talk to her CrossFit instructor.
But my guess is she hasn't been to this location enough for him to recognize her, let alone have a motive to kill her.
- (SCOFFS) - Hmm.
Hey, protein shake, tell me something.
Who's the instructor of the last class? Hey! (GRUNTS) Sorry, thank you.
(GRUNTS) Oh.
- (VINCE GRUNTS) - Oh! Watch out for rope burn, asshole.
(LAUGHS) Nice! Whoo! What the fuck happened to my car? Oh, this guy threw a cinderblock at it.
That's crazy.
- Not cool, dude.
Not cool.
- What? Priya, hey! I heard you got bumped up to recurring.
So cool.
You know, I can't be sure until I look at your brain, but you sound like someone with C.
T.
E.
Oh, I wish.
I'm with Gersh.
Hey, are you up here because we're interrogating that super hot CrossFit coach? Look, I get it, he has an eight pack, but it seems a little gratuitous, don't you think? (SCOFFS) You asked me to let you know as soon as I heard something? - Yes.
- Test results are back.
Your victim was definitely poisoned.
She's been ingesting small amounts of ricin over the course of three months.
Whoa, rice? I guess carbs do kill.
- Ricin is a poison.
- Hmm.
Also, looks like whoever gave her the poison used this water bottle as a mode of delivery.
Ooh, cool color.
Can I have that when we wrap this episode? That's not how evidence works in the slightest.
Also, it's full of poison.
Got it, got it.
But, dibs.
All right, we got a few questions for you.
Yeah, like, where's your shirt? I don't own a shirt.
Well, that's the coolest thing I've ever heard.
- Hey.
No fist bumps with the suspect.
- Sorry.
- Why'd you do it? - I didn't do anything.
Then why'd you run from us? I wasn't running from you.
I was running for class.
The city is our gym.
Also the gym is our gym.
Hmm, yeah, that checks out.
The more you can rub your fitness in other people's faces in Hollywood, the better.
Topher Grace once threw a rooftop party just so his guests could see him do P90X on an adjacent rooftop.
- Topher's the best.
- Oh, dude, I love him.
Have you seen "BlacKkKlansman"? He is hilarious in it.
And I'm pretty sure it's a comedy.
We know you're hiding something from us, Jax.
Look, okay, fine.
Oh, God, please don't tell anyone.
But I quit the kaleo diet.
You know, kale and paleo? I tried, I really did.
But it's just too hard to be social with such rigid dietary restrictions, you know? And they just opened up a Salt and Straw on my block.
This months flavor Camembert caramel.
What did you do to Michelle Kim? Michelle? I didn't do anything to Michelle.
I barely knew her.
(SCOFFS) She was a class-passer.
And when did she start taking your class? Three months ago.
I remember because she gave me my first bad review.
You ever seen this before, Jax? Yeah, that's a S'Well knockoff.
I had one that color for my workout S'Well.
I have one in marble for my home S'Well and one with tiny little people walking on it for my walking S'Well.
And none are off-brand.
What about your car S'Well or your pet S'Well or your kid S'Well? The more S'Wells, the more swole.
Everybody knows that.
It doesn't matter how many S'Wells you have if your throat swelled up because someone poisons you.
Poisoned? What are you talking about? She started giving you bad reviews at the exact same time that she started getting poisoned.
But I've been in Wisconsin, training and competing in the CrossFit Games.
The pinnacle of sport? I've been gone for weeks.
Check the photos on my fitness blog if you don't believe me.
Yeah, no, he's right.
This does look like Wisconsin.
Damn it.
This isn't our guy.
Hey, since you're not going to jail for murder, do you think you could help me beef up for my "Wakanda Forever" audition? Get me looking like Michael B.
Jordan? - What do you think? - Michael Cera, maybe.
Can you get me in those pants he wore in "Superbad," you got a job.
I had the cyber dorks hack our vic's class pass.
Turns out, she left bad reviews for all her instructors.
There's our motive.
So now all we gotta do is figure out which one of these instructors had access to her water bottle.
So, we're gonna drive to all those classes, just you and me? - Alone? - Yeah, it's not a fuckin' date, Hansen.
I'm not taking you to Makeout Point.
Jesus Christ.
You make me want to kill you sometimes, man.
Wish somebody heard you save that.
Okay, I will drive with you, but I gotta Periscope.
Yeah, fans want to be along for the ride.
They love to see everything I do and anything that might befall me, so Well, if you're gonna be filming that crap, just meet me there.
You know I hate being on camera.
Great, I'll grab a scooter.
A Lime or a Bird.
Whichever one's still in business and relevant by the time this episode airs.
Okay, I'll meet you at the first highly populated location.
Bye! She was in class last week.
Hey, Han fam.
If anyone asks, I was last seen with my partner Vince at 11:42 A.
M.
on Wilshire Boulevard, okay? And if I don't post again in the next seven minutes, per usual, send help.
Michelle's dead? Wow, I did not see that coming in my tea leaves.
Can we ask you a few questions about her? Of course, but I have a class to teach.
I mean, you can ask me questions during class, but if you plan to stay, you have to participate, physically and spiritually.
Score.
We can solve the case and I can bulk up for my audition.
Hope something goes down at Equinox soon, right? Yeah, we're not doing that.
Uh-oh, looks like somebody just added a smash cut to our workout.
See, now, this is how you investigate a murder.
Michelle was a capable student with a terrible aura.
I used to call her "Death.
" And do your students keep their water in the silks or next to the silks? Oh, no.
I actually prohibit outside water in my class.
Being truly healthy means achieving the exact right level of alkalinity, and that's impossible with water.
I offer a traditional rice tea.
Or La Croix.
This is a dead end, man.
I'm going to get the car.
Uh, could you say that again a little louder? My fans like to hear it live.
They also like to know that I'm alive.
I don't give a fuck, Hansen.
Yeah, that's all right.
I'll catch up, no worries.
I'm really starting to get the hang of this anyway, so Ooh.
(MUSIC PLAYING) (GRUNTING) Newbies, welcome to crunning The half crawling, half running workout you've always dreamed of.
Oh, yeah, man, it feels crunderful on my glutes.
It is the best mash-up workout out there, though we do not judge those who fall for palencing Pilates fencing Or yokour yoga parkour.
Do you have questions about yokour? Because get in line, mister.
I just want to know if you've ever seen this person.
Oh, I remember her.
After her first class, she said crunning was "crupid.
" Which, I'm guessing is a mash-up of crazy and cupid? But she never came back, so I never got a chance to clarify.
Hey, you.
Yeah, with the hoops.
You don't go crover, you go crunder.
You know, Michelle never came ba You know, Michelle never came Hey! This is getting us nowhere.
Let's roll out.
Oh, um, I forgot.
I have a parent-teacher conference with my teacher's parent.
See you at the next class, huh? Okay, later.
(MUSIC PLAYING) Come on, people! Get up that hill! Cycle far away from anyone at the bottom who might hold you back or never give you their approval, even if that's their job as a father.
- Hey, do you recognize this girl? - Should I? The lights are always off.
I wouldn't even recognize my dad in this class.
Although I did once.
I hate you, Dad.
And now I'll never have to see you again.
Yikes.
Feel like somebody should be investigating that girl and her dad.
One case at a time.
- So, let's head to the next - I'm gonna meet you there.
I'm gonna walk.
'Cause I got my Fitbit on and Well, I don't have it on right now, but I'm gonna count my own steps and I'll add it to it later.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
(MUSIC PLAYING) And Rihanna thrust, Beyoncé drop.
Hey, do you recognize this woman? Oh, yeah, Michelle, right? Cameron Diaz air flip, shade, shade, you don't like 'em.
And what'd you think of her? Sort of a Becky with the good hair type? I mean, she gave bad reviews, but, honestly, these classes have gotten so popular, we need all the bad reviews we can get.
Kick ball team, snooze like Mick Jagger, Tupac, plus the Thinker.
Bad reviews help regulate demand.
I even thanked Michelle last week.
Move.
Little pogo stick, big pogo stick.
Sad pogo stick.
We got it, Eddie Murphy in "Norbit"? All right.
Enough of this up and down shit.
We leavin'.
No, no, hey, class is almost over.
If we stay, we might get picked to be put in one of those videos they put up on YouTube.
Dude, dance class videos rack up crazy views online.
You could become YouTube famous.
Like me.
We have real police work to do, not this bullshit.
You coming with me.
Oh, yeah.
I've got a blister.
It's a big one.
Too much working out, right? Well, I'm gonna head to Urgent Care.
I'll see you at the station tomorrow or next week.
It takes time to heal First of all, you don't have a blister.
Second, I don't give a shit if you have a blister.
Wait, did you just see that? That girl just put something in that guy's drink.
Oh, shit, you might be right.
- I'm gonna go check it out.
- No, hold on.
You don't want her to see you coming, so whatever you do, don't draw attention to yourself.
Vince, being an actor's not about seeking the spotlight.
It's about doing the work.
So if you'll excuse me, it's time to work.
Ooh, baby, baby Baby, baby - Ooh, baby, baby - Ha-ha! Push it real good Go, baby, pop - Yeah, you Come here, give me a kiss Better make it fast or else I'm gonna get pissed Can't you hear the music pumping hard Like I wish you would? Now push it I got you red-handed.
YouTube Red-handed.
I mean, YouTube Premium-handed.
Yeah, that doesn't work anymore.
Hey.
Excuse me.
Oh, sorry.
All right.
Actor cop coming through.
Oh! Hey! Chasing after a killer here.
Spin me towards the murderer.
No, toward.
Excuse me.
- Crunning through.
- Push it real good - Come on.
- Ah, push it Push it good Song's over.
Push it real good What is wrong with you? I mean, really, there are only two sacred gym rules.
One, if you're naked, cover up as quickly as possible.
Unless you're an old dude and that's the way you were raised.
And, two, just as important, don't kill other students.
I mean, seriously, don't you have any love for the community? I did.
But now the studio is crawling with these stupid class-passers, and you know what's worse? They're the ones who end up featured in all the videos.
I spent years befriending teachers at the studio, taking multiple classes a week, getting performatively sweaty.
And it was all for nothing.
Not for nothing, you'll be very happy in prison.
All they do there is work out.
Ha.
Well, folks, looks like we got our dance, dance res - (MUSIC STARTS) - Push it Can you cut the music for a minute? Thank you, I got a killer button.
- (MUSIC STOPS) - Thanks.
Well, folks, looks like we got ourselves a dance, dance res - (MUSIC STARTS) - Push it 30 seconds, I swear.
- (MUSIC STOPS) - Thank you.
Well, folks, looks like we got our dance, dance resolution.
- (MUSIC STARTS) - Oh! Push it good Push it Push it real good (SITCOM THEME PLAYING) Yeah, I mean, I avoided being alone with him, but I don't know how much longer I can keep that up.
- Okay, Google, lights on.
- Sure, turning on the lights.
- Oh, my God! - Hang up the phone.
- I - Now.
RYAN: Nate's voicemail, I'm gonna have to call you back.
Hey, man.
Where are Amy and the gaybors? They're gone, Ryan.
Oh, my God, you killed them? What? No.
They said they were going to see "Mary Poppins.
" Again? Ugh.
I mean, Lin-Manuel is a genius, I get it, but what does he know about movies? He called "Hamilton A.
V.
" a desecration, whatever that means.
Wait, where's the studio audience? You don't want an audience for this, Ryan.
- Sit down.
- Are you sure? I mean, yeah, you can put in the laughs afterward, but they're never as believable.
- (CANNED LAUGHTER) - See? There's something I need to do, Ryan.
No, that's the gun in the bag from the beginning of the episode.
I really didn't want to do this, especially not with you, but I have no choice.
All right, just promise me you won't hurt my family.
And, please, don't shoot me in the face or the hair.
No, Ryan, I have no choice but to tell you the truth.
- I'm I.
A.
- Wait, what? Like Haley Joel Osment in that movie that was supposed to be good but wasn't? No, you dimwit.
I'm I.
A.
, not A.
I.
I'm Internal Affairs.
I act like a dirty cop so I can go undercover to catch the real dirty cops.
Whoa.
So meta.
Love it.
Wait, does this mean you've been acting this whole time? Oh, my gosh! I have so many questions.
Like, um, are you Meisner? How much weight did you gain for this role? And are you really Australian? I've been investigating your precinct for months.
I'm deep undercover, but I got clearance to tell you, Ryan, because I know you ID'd me in Brock's video outside of the "Hamilton" afterparty.
Yes, I did.
They just recovered this gun.
It was used to shoot Mathers.
I had my handler bring it over to me before anything could happen to it.
Well, you can't keep it here.
We don't allow guns or plastic bags in this house.
Look, I was there the night that Mathers got shot.
But I wasn't there to shoot her.
I was there to meet her.
Some bad shit is going down, Ryan, man.
And there's something that you don't know about Mathers, something that will change everything.
- She - First off, let me just say, this is the most I've ever listened to a scene partner.
Like, really listened, not just looked at their mouth and waited for it to stop moving so I could say my line.
You're really nailing this reveal.
And I want you to finish what you're saying, I really do, but we're at the end of an episode right here, so if you can wait, like, ten seconds, the next episode will automatically start playing and we can cash in on those sweet, sweet retention numbers.
Ryan, this is serious.
So is this.
Season three could hang in the balance.
So just shh, shh, for, like, ten more seconds.
- Ry - Supercalifragilistic - Please.
- Up to the rooftop.
- Ry - Chim-chimeny.
- Stop - Step in time.
- I'm - Um-dittle-ittl-um-dittle-I.
- Ry - (MUSIC PLAYING) I can't believe you showed up in my workshop to fire me.
I'm the best male stripper slash furniture maker in West Central Florida.
And there are plenty of other strip clubs that would kill to have me dance for them.
I'll work for your competition, and like the phoenix tattooed on my back, I will rise again.
- Cut! - (BELL RINGS) Whoo! Yes! Guess who's going to the Emmys.
- Great knife work, Angie.
- Mm-hmm.
We get it, Greg.
You win at acting.
Come on.
Greg.
Hey, I've got some notes.
Greg? Holy shit, I think he's dead.
Medic! We need a set medic here! Right away! A.
S.
A.
P.
!