Ryan Hansen Solves Crimes on Television (2017) s02e05 Episode Script

The Rye Chromosome

1 What up, dudes? Or should I say (SPEAKS PORTUGUESE) seeing how I'm about to live stream the nominees for the Brazilian Independent Web Awards, AKA the Brazzies.
Seriously, it's an honor just to read the nominations.
Sit still, honey.
I'm gonna pin you.
Oh, yes, please.
I absolutely support that.
Oh, no, one's fine.
I don't want to overdo it.
Thank you.
Ooh, wood colored.
Powerful message.
You know, everyone's wearing pins this year to support different causes Time's Up and important stuff like that.
And the, uh the clothespin, well, that represents the need to dry out the wet shirt of the past on the clothesline of history with the gentle summer breeze of change.
Oh, no, no, you can leave it.
- Huh? - Yeah, you can leave it.
- Oh, okay.
- Thank you.
And in case you're not doing those "previously seen on"s, Vince didn't shoot Mathers.
He was meeting her because she had discovered some giant secret scheme in our department.
But, bummerville, she was shot before she could tell Vince about it.
Anywhoo (SPEAKS PORTUGUESE) Or as they say in America, see you at the Brazzers! (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) RYAN: Murder on a network show.
What killed him, the call times? - What's with the tux? - Ah, awards season.
I pretty much live in this thing until April.
Wait a minute.
I know this guy.
That's Greg Stanley.
We took a commercial acting class together about ten years ago.
You're kidding.
You took an acting class? This guy was the Marlon Brando of cold reads Cialis, paper towels, reverse mortgages.
He can make you feel like he had used 'em all.
His enlarged pupils, excessive drool, and heart failure indicates poisoning.
Whoa, whoa, poisoning? No, we just had that last episode.
Stop calling them episodes, Ryan, they're murders.
Was it ingested or injected? Well, from the looks of it, I'm guessing it was topical.
Hmm, like "Weekend Update"? No, not like fuckin' "Weekend Update.
" But I do miss Tina and Amy.
It's always rough to see two men replace two women.
That's why we've only had one man replace one woman.
The victim has a large number of tattoos, some are very fresh.
I can't say for sure until I get the lab results back, but my guess is that one of the tattoos is the source of the poison.
- We gotta talk to this guy's boss.
- Hmm.
That guy over there has a $200 Rag & Bone hoodie, limited edition Nikes, and a contact.
Plus, he's a white dude.
That's our showrunner.
Sir, L.
You in charge here? Jason Whiteman, showrunner.
Ryan Hansen, show watcher.
- And cop.
- In that order.
So, uh, what are you guys shootin'? Well, this is "Magic Mike XS," the series.
XS because it's for the small screen.
Apple Watch.
Got it.
Hate to ask, but is that tux one of ours? - Oh, no, no.
- I'm sorry.
Just looks like the sort of thing a stripper would wear.
Whiteman, please, do not apologize.
There is no greater honor than being mistaken for a stripper by a man of your talent.
This guy right here created "Melrose Place," the reboot, "Charlie's Angels," the reboot, and "90210" the reboot.
True visionary, right there.
What's the vision, "TV Guide" from 1998? (CHUCKLES) We're actually gonna give "90210" another shot.
But this time set it in the year 90210.
Oh, the future.
The networks, they're just desperate for new ideas, you know? Mr.
Whiteman, you might not remember me, but I did audition for you a few years back when you were trying to reboot the C.
Thomas Howell movie "Soul Man" into a TV show.
I'll never understand why that didn't get a series order.
(GASPS) Right? But, you're right, I don't remember you.
Now, look, any word on when we can start shooting again? - Well, there's a murder to solve.
- Right, of course.
I think Greg would've wanted us to write him out of the show and for us to just move on as quickly as possible.
Hmm, well, have you ever thought about recasting? I am available, and the instructor of my pole dancing class said my moves are "sweaty.
" I bet they are.
You know, I have noticed that you've got a lot of women on your crew.
That is v.
Actually, we have the correct amount of women on our crew.
After all, they're half the population.
They should be half the crew, not 23% of the crew, which is usually the case.
For every man I hire, I hire a woman.
And I insist on an inclusion rider.
- VINCE: What is an inclusion rider? - Oh, an inclusion rider is something Frances McDormand invented.
And that's all I know about that.
Actually, an inclusion rider is a contract provision which ensures the cast, crew, and the writer's room all meet with a certain level of diversity.
Honestly, anyone who doesn't have one is a monster.
Oh, yeah, same.
Hard same.
Rock hard same.
Love diversity.
(WHISPERS) I need an inclusion rider.
Ryan, what is the percentage of women on your show? Um, pretty sure there's about half women in our writer's room.
Right? Well, we made a real effort.
Well, more diversity just gets you better storytelling.
Being woke isn't just trendy.
It's also the right thing to do.
For now.
I noticed your boy over there has a large assortment of shitty tattoos.
You know where they come from, other than a place of deep emotional douchebaggery? I think he got his tattoos from Dr.
Oh, from season one of "Ink Masters"? Oh.
You truly have an amazing amount of crap in your head, Ryan.
If you want to know what "Ink Masters" is, just ask.
"Ink Masters" is a reality show about tattoos.
It's kind of like "Chopped," but if a contestant does a bad job, it permanently ruins a person's body.
Who on earth would ever air something like that? Paramount Network, which used to be CMT, and then it turned to TNN, and then they switched it to Spike TV, and then back to Paramount Network.
Apparently, changing the name of your network is super smart from a branding perspective.
Right, well, I'd love to stay and chat, but Paul Feig is actually presenting me a Humanitas Award today at a big luncheon.
Oh, man, you got a Humi? Congrats.
And I assume you already have a plus one, or We better go find this tattoo artist.
Hey, man, look, if you ever need a Ken doll look for a Ken Bone price, I'm your guy.
I'll be sure to tell someone to remember that.
- (PHONE RINGS) - See ya.
You've got the Whiteman.
Hey, we should get matching tattoos like the cast of "Lord of the Rings.
" Man, fuck those movies.
Peter Jackson's adaptation of Tolkien's masterpiece was some bullshit.
I mean, how you gonna leave out Tom Bombadill? How? Whoa, hang on.
You are a "Lord of the Rings" nerd? (LAUGHS) What you trying to say, a black man can't be a fan of some high fantasy? No, you just seem too angry to like things.
You calling me angry, man? Fuck you.
So, that's a no on the team tattoos, then? Seeing as how this partnership is temporary as fuck, I don't think your first tattoo should be with me.
Oh, it's not my first tattoo, my friend.
Check this out.
See this YouTube Red tattoo? (SIGHS) Got that last summer to show YouTube how much I wanted a second season.
I was gonna get it changed to YouTube Premium, but the cost was insane.
Tattoos are for people without an identity.
You see this badge? I have an identity.
Yeah, okay, but we could be like Katy Perry and Russell Brand, or Lamar Odom and Chloe Kardashian or Johnny Depp and any other number of women.
So, pairs of people who hate each other, huh? Uh-oh, looks like someone's been reading "US Weekly.
" Oh, what, you saying I'm too angry to read celebrity gossip? - No, no.
- Is that what it is? The angry black man is so angry he can't do shit.
- Can he read? He's black.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
That was not what I was saying.
Let's go back to "Lord of the Rings," please.
Bilbo Baggins, um, Pippin, Frodo.
- Name a black hobbit.
- Uh, Emmanuel Lewis.
Ryan Hansen.
- What you watchin'? - "Cobra Kai.
" Oh, yeah, YouTube Prems, right? The platform so nice they named it twice.
It's literally the only show worth watching on their channel.
Well, I've heard they have a hilar cop show with serialized elements that's about to get a third season.
You're flop sweating through your stripper tux there, dude.
- Shit.
- Is Dr.
Inks working? Yeah, but make it fast.
She's got a 3:00 to give matching tats to the entire cast of "Big Little Lies.
" Dern's getting a full facer.
See, that's the kind of connection we could have.
Just just go on back.
- Right, thanks, man.
Inks, we got a few questions for you.
Yeah, like how much to change this up to something else? Screw this.
- Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- What you doing, Doc? Hey, she's trying to run, and that is a sign of guilt, - definitely not a misdirect.
- (DOOR BELL RINGS) You're gonna have to drag me out of here, you piece of shit.
Whoa, careful, Vince.
I think she knows her way around a tattoo gun.
Her tattoos say otherwise.
Do not insult my art.
Whoa, hey! All right.
So help me God, if I leave outta here today with a tattoo Ah! (GRUNTING) Lassoed, Wonder Woman style.
I cannot stand by while innocent lives are lost.
Oh, deep cut, bro.
Uh, thanks, but it's not that deep.
"Wonder Woman's", like, the highest grossing film ever directed by a woman.
It's pretty famous.
Okay, yeah, no, I was making a joke.
Or do you not think women are funny? No, no, no, no.
It's really funny.
I like it a lot.
I was actually gonna retweet it and give you full credit.
Signal boost.
Actually, what's the phrasing for that? You got the right to remain silent.
And you should probably do the same.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
- Ryan Hansen? - Guilty.
Oh, hey, sorry, man.
No pictures, I'm working.
- Okay, fine, just one.
(LAUGHS) - I just have some papers for you to sign.
Oh, yeah, the inclusion rider I wanted.
Oh, honestly, anyone who doesn't have one of these is a monster.
More diversity just gets you better storytelling.
Wow, did you come up with that exact phrasing on the spot? Yeah, it just came to me.
In the first act.
Here you go.
Excuse me, have you always been a woman? I mean, since the beginning of this scene.
Wha Come on, let's go.
Are you ladies caught up on "Handmaid's Tale"? I am officially obsessed.
I mean, I've only watched one and a half of them, but it proves what I always say Every book should be made into a movie or TV show.
Yeah, I stopped watching.
It was like watching a documentary from the future.
I think it's sexy.
Can I just say, I love "Handmaid's"? One of the characters reminds me of somebody.
Can't quite put my finger on who, though.
Drives me nuts.
Sure, Ryan, Vince, burst right in.
It's not like we're in the middle of an important meeting.
It's not like there's someone whose job it is to keep random people from bursting in in the middle of my conversation, Camilla! Change your face.
Get out of here.
CAMILLA: I'm on it.
Guys, I want you to meet Jillian and Lucy.
They're the best and I love them, and those are phrases we don't throw around lightly in this business.
Jillian, hey, good to see you again.
We've actually met before, when you guest-starred on "Friends with Benefits.
" The TV show, not the movie.
- I have no memory of that.
- Huh.
Well, Lucy, I feel like we know each other because we're both on networks that changed their names.
- Hmm, nah.
- What do you want? We wanted to get you caught up on the homicide we're working.
Well, that's great.
You know what? You can catch Jillian and Lucy up about it because I have attached them to your investigation, and I'm obsessed with this attachment.
What do you mean "attach"? This is our case.
- Yeah.
- Was your case.
So, you're telling me these two ladies are Solving crimes on television.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING) - Okay, who recut the main titles? - Me, on the weekend.
Okay, well, solving crimes on "television" is my job.
Sorry, not anymore.
Oh, the inclusion rider.
YouTube Primo thinks that this episode is over-donged.
So, tape that tiny tail between your legs and scram.
It's our case now.
Cool, I could use a day off.
I got a couple tickets to see Bon Iver, so I'm outta here.
Take care, buddy.
Well, you know what? I think this is super cool.
Totally unexpected, but super cool, all right? This is really cool for you guys, and all women everywhere.
So, um, you're playing me? Well, Jillian Bell.
And, Lucy, you're playing Lucy Hale? No, I'm playing Detective Lake.
So, you're playing yourself and you're playing a character.
- Yeah.
- (LAUGHS) Ugh.
Well, I don't see how that's ever gonna work, but, hey, not my show anymore.
- Nope.
- LUCY: Right.
All right, well, I guess I'll get outta here? Mm-kay, thanks so much for coming in, Ryan.
- And thank you guys.
- And nice pin.
Oh, hey, thank you so much.
You know, quietly supporting women is something I do.
I like to say that I'm kind of like a human bra.
I'm gonna stop saying that.
- Get out of here.
- Right.
You could get us some Starbucks.
Before we get into the interrogation room, I really think we should land on a dynamic.
Maybe something fun and flirty, but also brash? What do you think, good cop/bad cop? Bad cop/Hargitay cop? Hmm.
Is this an interrogation room or a bathroom? Either way, I'm looking at a piece of shit.
You better start talking, and right now, or I will smack you so hard you'll be back folding Korn bowling shirts at whatever Hot Topic you crawled out of! I'm just kidding.
How are you? Are you doing good? It's a little cold in here, you want a sweater? Wait, you're not gonna bad cop me? Eh, that kinda thing's pretty played out.
And it leads to a ton of wrongful convictions.
I mean, if we're gonna flip the script on gender, why not on interrogation methods and ratings, too? Especially ratings? What is happening to this show? Why does it not have higher ratings? I mean, a hedgehog getting a bath in a sink has more views.
Wait, do they even have ratings for webisodes? We know that you're guilty, okay? But we're not gonna use a bunch of macho intimidation tactics to get the truth.
That's not what sisters do.
Thank you.
God, it feels so good to be seen.
I see you.
I always have.
I'm guilty.
(EXHALES) I'm guilty.
I'm guilty of giving drunk millennials fake tattoos.
- BOTH: What? - Yeah.
Sometimes I tell them it's invisible ink, but actually they don't exist.
I thought I was doing them a favor, but, honestly, I'm Sorry, I'll give back all the money, every cent.
I thought I just called us sisters.
Sisters don't lie to each other.
Yeah, I don't lie to you.
Have you ever lied to me? No, 'cause that's not what we do in this family.
Why'd you do it? Is that Greg Stanley? - What happened to him? - Ink poisoning.
Oh, you think I'd have something to do with that? Well, are you gonna tell us otherwise? (DOOR OPENS) Excusez-moi? Beverages.
Here you go.
Soy latte.
Black "coffay.
" Let me guess, you like your coffee like you like your men? Or women.
Or both.
Or neither.
Sorry, enjoy your coffee.
I asked for a tea, but, thanks.
Um, do you guys mind if I stay in the scene? I'll just be background.
I don't need any dialogue or anything.
Don't even need to be mic'd.
- (NO AUDIO) - Can you just? - Just a little further back.
- Right here? Yeah, just a little bit more back.
- This fine with you? - That's good.
Why would I kill Greg Stanley? I mean, offing him would just be a bad business decision.
- How so? - My designs are copyrightable art.
Whenever Greg's tattoos are featured on a show, I made insane money.
Any time a tattoo is used, the artist has to be compensated.
(SIGHS) That is true.
I'm sure we are all familiar with the "Hangover 2" court case.
Well, the film used unlicensed copies of Mike Tyson's face tattoo without compensating the artist.
There were lawsuits.
The movie almost didn't get released.
Oh, yeah, that's definitely one of the worst crimes associated with Mike Tyson.
Right? I mean, can you imagine a world without "Hangover 2"? It's like, "Hangover 3" would have made zero sense.
So, no difference, then? Tsh.
LUCY: Were you paid for your design on the episode they're shooting now? As far as I know, they didn't use any of my designs.
Uh, that's my style, but that's not a tattoo.
That's cover-up makeup.
Shows do that when they don't want to pay for the art.
You know how much work I did on Millie Bobby Brown that's never gonna see the light of day thanks to those cheapskates? Yeah, we better talk - to the makeup artist.
- Yeah.
Hey, you have been super, super helpful.
- Thank you.
- You are free to go.
- Thank you.
- (SLAMS TABLE) For now.
I didn't do anything.
Why would I have to come back? Don't worry about engaging him in banter.
He's basically like a day player on this one.
- Got it.
- Thank you.
All right, let's go solve this case with twice the efficiency and half the bullshit.
Right behind you, ladies.
BOTH: Please, stay.
Why would the makeup artist kill the star of the show? That's putting yourself out of a job.
You got me.
Oh, man, I am so bummed we had to miss the Humanitas awards for this case.
Like, Hummies afterparty is so sick.
Do you remember last year when we ended up at the In 'N' Out drive through with Toni Morrison? And then she ralphed all over Greta Gerwig? - Poor Greta.
- I know, it was everywhere.
You know what? I wonder if there's a video of the ceremony.
- Oh, perfect clip.
- Thank you for this award.
What an honor it is to be the conductor for this wonderful chorus of female voices.
Whoa, pump the woke breaks, my dude.
When will guys learn that the more they talk about not being creeps, the creepier it makes them sound? Like, "Hillary is totally my queen.
So come check out my basement.
There definitely isn't a human zoo down there.
" So if I feel a woman is not being treated with respect, I'll step up.
I'll tell the makeup artist, "Hey, man, ease up on the unattainable beauty look.
" Oh, so, he tells the makeup artist what to do.
Doesn't mean he's a killer, though.
I'll speak to my cinematographer "No more male gaze, mister.
Women are people, too.
People we shouldn't be gazing at.
" Yeah, this guy definitely did stuff.
Yeah, looks like we're headed back to that set.
- Shotgun.
- Bang.
BOTH: What's up with that thang? (TIRES SQUEAL) One minute, Vince and I are trying to catch a homicidal maniac targeting series regulars in the 30 mile zone, the next minute, I'm being replaced on my own show by Jillian Bell.
Or Lucy Hale? The concept's a little fuzzy.
Don't get me wrong.
I want my wife and daughters to live in a world where they have the same opportunities as their male counterparts.
I mean, I get my Bechdel tested regularly.
But I have a family to feed and your shooting to solve.
I can't afford, emotionally or financially, to lose this job right now.
Ugh, it's like my woke self is the Predator and my self-self is the Alien.
And whoever wins, I lose.
I am so happy you're here.
I legit have, like, nothing else to do today besides sit here and talk to you.
(BEEPING RAPIDLY) - Nurse? Nurse! - (FLATLINE HUMS) Where is everybody? His assistant said they just wrapped.
(FLESH SQUELCHES, LOUD THUD) Hello? LUCY: Guess that's the makeup artist.
(SIGHS) Dang.
It's not everyday that you see a straight male makeup artist.
Dead or alive.
How can you tell he's straight? By the way he's staring at me.
Hey, buddy, my eyes are up here.
This guy must've found out that Whiteman slipped poison into his supplies and he got killed for it.
Very close, ladies.
Ah-ah, drop the gun, kick it to me.
You coulda had the afternoon off, gotten your nails done.
Ended your day with a full-bodied rosé.
But you couldn't leave well enough alone.
- None of you can! - Wait, women or cops? Not women.
I support women.
Which is why I'm gonna send a big package of money to whatever female cause is popular, right after I kill you both.
Jillian, Not-Lucy Hale, Hey, I figured it out.
It's the makeup artist.
Oh, God.
Never mind.
I'm 90% sure it's actually this guy.
Only 90? (GRUNTS) Oh! Get up.
Why did you do it? Why did you kill these innocent men? I had no choice.
The inclusion rider forced me to hire men and women equally.
Otherwise I'd be in breach.
They could've cancelled the show! So, what, you murdered these men to keep your producing fees? I've got points.
Why didn't you just hire more women? Killing men was easier.
Than firing them? Look, these men are in a union.
Believe me, killing them is less paperwork.
That is the dumbest thing I've heard a man say today, And I spent the entire morning watching the first season of whatever this show is called.
And? What'd you think? Oh, my God.
I totally forgot you were here.
(LAUGHS) We should totally get Dr.
Inks to give us matching tattoos to commemorate solving a fucking murder case today.
- Hell fucking yeah.
- Oh, my God, yes, baby.
Oh, I actually just meant the two of us.
Two people with a tattoo is cute.
Three people with a tattoo seems like something you'd see in a march where people are carrying tiki torches.
Or on a "Vice" documentary about that march.
Or in a think piece about that doc.
I love our banter.
I know, I mean, should we maybe not give Ryan the show back? - Oh, are we giving it back? - I don't know, actually.
Well, you have to give me my show back.
I mean, you don't have to.
You can do whatever you want, and I support that decision.
I just think we solve crimes too efficiently, you know? They'd have to change the whole format of the show, add more cases per episode.
Yeah, but if we acted like total idiots and argued with each other, that could slow us down.
- Please, don't.
- Again, you can do whatever you want.
This is your careers, your bodies, your television roles, okay? She's totally fucking with you.
You can have the show back.
We decided.
We actually got a deal to do a network show, "Humphrey and Silkie.
" It is exactly like "Cagney and Lacey," but they don't have to pay the underlying rights.
Oh, and this YouTube money is such bullshit, Ryan.
Seriously, it's not even enough money to pay for a subscription to whatever this service is.
Well, I wouldn't know anything about that.
You know, 'cause when you're the star of the show, they let you use it for free.
For a 30-day trial period.
- Hi, sweetie.
- Oh! - What? Is everything okay? My check for this episode is two thirds the normal amount.
Oh, no, wait, did mine get cut, too? Who's gonna pay for my Crossroads tuition? - Or my S.
dues? - Or my hot yoga classes? Oh, wow.
Oh, I got paid a lot more.
Like, by an obscene amount.
You know what? We got paid the same.
They fixed the pay gap.
Well, good, because in the end it is all coming to our family.
And since I don't drive any feeling of self-worth from money, I'm okay with this.
- (AUDIENCE AWS) - Aw, sweetie.
Hey, are my dads coming over for dinner, or did you two recast them as women too? BOTH: And what if they did? - (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) - I would be thrilled.
Hey, come over on the couch.
Let's watching something on TV, huh? Can you guys see? Come on.
WOMAN: Coming this fall on CBS, one's tough, the other's smooth.
Lucy Hale and Jillian Bell are "Humphrey and Silkie.
" I wonder if there's a part in there for me.
(ALL LAUGHING) (MUSIC PLAYING) I just feel like things are so different now for women.
I mean, it's just changing so fast, you know? Like, no joke, in the past 26 minutes, I feel like we made incredible progress, and I just feel Excuse me, sir, you are way in our space.
- Oh, my God.
- Your male desire to display dominance over our femininity will not be tolerated.
You know what? On the front pages of our paper to the bright screens of entertainment, things are changing Oh, my God.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god!