Ryan Hansen Solves Crimes on Television (2017) s02e06 Episode Script

For Your Inconsideration

What's up, Emmy voters? Hope you got my e-mail.
Hey, feel free to use that YouTube Premium log-in whenever you'd like.
And now it's time for your moment of Zen.
You know it's my favorite sea-zen in L.
, award season.
Hey, just finished an epic "For Your Consideration Q&A.
" It went very well, thanks for asking.
I think Wes Anderson really appreciated my question.
Now, a lot of actors get caught up in the pursuit of awards, but, no, not me because I know every award-winning performance is a team effort.
I mean, would Brie Larson have won an Oscar for "Room," if I hadn't had her back in the quirky indie "Unicorn Store"? Well, that's hard to say, but in many ways we share that achievement.
And, hey, if there's one thing I've learned from Wes Anderson, is that the work is its own reward.
And also, that he does not accept unsolicited headshots.
(MUSIC PLAYING) Look, I'm sorry I couldn't tell you I was Internal Affairs, but figuring out who shot Mathers was too important for me to get out here.
Oh, are we still doing that whole season long arc thing? 'cause after nothing happened last episode I figured we dropped it.
Just remind me.
What's going on? IA sent me undercover once they became aware of LAPD Red.
LAPD Red, that's a cool name.
You know, adding red to something always makes it sound cooler.
Wait, what is LAPD Red? It's a secret group of dirty cops that murder innocent people.
Don't some cops already do that? Yeah, but these guys charge for it.
Why would somebody pay for something when they could easily get it for free? I mean, um, I guess it would be worth it if you don't have to watch any commercials while the person is being murdered.
But they're the only hit men you can hire that guarantee they won't get arrested since they're the ones doing the arresting.
And IA wasn't the only ones onto them.
So was Mathers, which is why they must've shot her.
- So who are they? - We don't know, but that Tesla that was stolen out of the impound lot, it was an inside job.
Wait, so that means the person who shot Mathers - is already in jail.
- Is a cop.
Is a cop, exactly.
Well, whoever it is better enjoy these next few days of freedom, 'cause you and I are taking him down.
Or her.
Or them.
We can't rule out any pronoun.
All parts of speech can be murderers.
But we don't wanna make that storyline feel any more jammed in than it already Oh, we're here.
(MUSIC PLAYING) Ooh! Classic crime scene survey moment.
Here we go.
Let's take in the deets.
All right, let's see here.
Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.
I got nothing.
Should we ship this one down to cold cases? Or maybe we should look at the mountain of evidence we have here.
Seems circumstantial.
You think a fist full of cash, signs of a struggle, and multiple eyewitnesses are circumstantial? Well, I wouldn't rule anything out.
Oh, my God.
This is obviously a deal gone bad.
- But what kind of deal? - Ooh! - I know, I know! - That's never been true.
This is about award season screeners.
Every year, studios send out DVDs of their award hopefuls to members of various Hollywood guilds for their consideration.
The hope is to get votes, but because of some bad apples, they also get bootlegged.
And bootlegging is one of the worst things you can do in show business.
I'm gonna guess it has dropped down that list pretty dramatically.
"A Star is Born," that's a good one.
You know, people often confuse me for a young Bradley Cooper.
- No, they don't.
- Hello, ladies.
Corddry, in light of the current cultural climate, I take that as a compliment.
Thank you.
Oh, no, no, I wasn't trying to insult you.
I've just been putting together this list of shows that have been cancelled due to your involvement.
"Hello, Ladies," "Marry Me," "Grandfather," "Bad Teacher," "Bad Judge," "Bad Actor.
" Hey, guess what? I've also been in shows that haven't been cancelled, Corddry.
Yeah, you've also killed more pilots than engine failure.
Where's Mathers, huh? Oh, that's right! She was nominated into a coma.
Emmy chance she'll come out of it soon? Ain't you gonna introduce me to your shithead friends, Hansen? Agent Verdig, FBI, celebrity division.
My partner, Emmy winner, Rob Corddry.
No, you're my partner, I'm not your partner.
Rob and I were both up for the same role in the "Gossip Girl" spin-off.
- I booked it.
- I passed on it.
I truly don't give a fuck.
Maybe you don't recognize me.
I'm the star of "Ballers" on HBO.
Okay? Number one on the call sheet.
Do you not get HBO? Or HBO GO or HBO NOW? Listen, I put my shoe through harder things than your face.
Okay, before he proves that, what the hell are you doing here, Corddry? This is a murder, that means it's homicide's jurisdiction.
The victim was murdered while trying to purchase a bootlegged award screener, which means it's a federal crime.
Which means it's my jurisdiction.
Which means you can suck my juris-dick, son.
Ah! Oh, you want some jurisdiction friction? It's on.
Where's the first witness? Oh! Oh! Ma'am, ma'am.
How you doing? Ryan Hansen, LAPD.
Rob Corddry, FBI and HBO.
- Tell me what happened here.
- Me, too.
No hashtag.
My friend Deon and I tried to buy the screener for "A Star is Born.
" I could play B.
Coop's role, right? - No.
- Not in those shorts.
- I can.
- Anyway, the guy wanted 50 bucks because it's still in the theater.
Deon offered him 25, he told us to fuck off and Deon tried to grab the DVD and the guy shot him.
He disappeared into that boathouse over there.
Nothing just disappears.
Unless of course you're talking about Ryan's chances of ever becoming a leading man.
- Ugh, God.
- Excuse me! There's a man hiding in there.
Whoa! Verdig.
- You go by land, I'll go by sea.
- Yeah.
Vince, I'll go sea, you, the land.
Excuse me.
Sorry, sorry.
Ow! Excuse me.
Watch out for all the extras, Hansen.
Ah, yeah.
Hansen, get out of my swan boat before you get it cancelled.
Oh, right, so I get another one and you get a head start? - Yeah, right.
- All right, fine.
So it's fair, we both get out, and get a new boat.
Okay? One, two, three.
So obvious you weren't gonna move.
You call that acting? Oh, my God.
One, two, three, go.
No, I wasn't acting.
I was watching you lose yourself in the role of man having a full body spasm.
(GRUNTS) I'm about to jump ship.
Let's do the fairest thing in all of the land.
We'll both get out at the same time.
I p-romise.
I'm Ryan Hansen.
I'm gonna get out of this boat.
You can tell because my legs are in a position - no human's ever made.
- Derr.
Hey, I'm Rob Corddry.
I'm Dwayne Johnson's lotion boy.
Lotion man.
And his friends call him DJ.
- Squirt.
- Hey, let me ask you a question.
If a show gets a second season and no one sees it, does it make a sound? - Let's just go! - All right.
- Pedal on three.
- BOTH: One, two, three.
BOTH: Pedal! - I knew you weren't gonna pedal.
- Knew it.
Come on.
- Ready? - One, two, three, pedal.
Pedal time! (MUSIC PLAYING) How them quads holding up, Hansen? Very well, thanks for asking.
Wish my Peloton instructor could see this.
Well, I wish he could see me at all.
The tech's not there yet.
Will you quit yapping? You're going right into the reeds.
What are you trying to drown me like you drowned you career? - Oh, please.
- I'll drive.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm the captain.
No, I'm the captain.
Look at me.
I'm the captain now.
Are you doing a "Captain - Phillips" reference? - Yeah.
That was dated when I did it on "Ballers" five years ago.
What accent was that? He's Somali.
I'm doing a Uganda with a taste of Sudanese.
- Look at me.
- What? - I am the captain now.
- No, no.
It's "Look at me, I'm the captain now.
" I am the captain now.
- I am the captain now.
- I am the - Look at me! - I'm the captain now.
- Look at me.
- You look at me.
Hey! What that the hell? Look! He's getting away! - Oh.
- Goddamn it.
- You idiots! (GRUNTS) - Damn it! - Selfie? - Yeah, totally.
Oh, this is nice.
- Oh, this is gorgeous.
- Oh! - Beautiful lighting.
What up, baby? - What up, L.
? We found these two screeners at the scene.
Now, to prevent piracy, studios add digital watermarks that identifies the original owners.
I had the virgins down at the lab write us an algorithm to reveal those names, so we can find out who sold them to the dealers.
- What? - (LAUGHING) - Oh.
- Ha ha! That's impossible.
I never share my screeners.
Yeah, it's true.
You know, he refuses every time I ask to borrow his screeners or hang out after work.
All right, that is definitely not mine.
You know, as much as it pains me to say this, it can't be Hansen.
- Thank you.
- 'cause he's not even in SAG anymore, - now that he's an internet actor.
- Oh, my God.
This show is definitely covered under SAG.
Social, low-budget, modified new media contract.
Well, then, um, guess one of us must be lying, huh? Yeah.
Guess you're right.
And there's only one way to figure out who.
Admit it.
You didn't want us to pedal after that dealer because you were afraid he'd rat you out as a source for their screeners! I'm not saying nothing, pig.
Oh, really? Is that because you're guilty? No.
Because you're gonna tell me why you did it! Me? Why? Why would I There's no motive.
Oh, there is not? - There is.
- A lot of actors get caught up - in the pursuit of awards - Uh-oh.
But, no, not me.
Wait, you follow my Insta? Yeah, I like to laugh on the toilet.
Thank you.
Now 'fess up, Hansen.
You know what? I think I'm just gonna wait till my lawyer gets here.
Because you're guilty.
'cause I'm gonna ask him how much trouble I'll get in, if I do this.
Now you talk, or I will burn more holes in your hand than there are in your alibi.
That's not how vape pens work.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
How does this feel? - (GRUNTS AND LAUGHS) - (GROANS) Help! Help! No, nothing.
I don't feel a thing.
Seriously? I think it's this part that gets hot.
I I could not even feel your, like Your baby fingers on my man hands.
- At all.
- So stupid.
So, instead, talk! - Talk! - Talk.
- Talk.
- T-A-L-K.
Talk! - Habla! - Sprechen! (SPEAKING DOTHRAKI) Dothraki? - Yeah.
- Wow, nice.
- Talk! - Talk! J.
Talk-ien! We can watch these two play bad cop worst actor all day or we can go solve this case ourselves and get it over with.
What do you got? I got a little something I found on the crime scene.
- Talk! Talk! - Talk! Yeah, we should probably do that.
They could be at this for a while.
Oh, hey, do you and Ryan hang out after work? (GRUNTS) So you don't? That's a no? (SIGHS) Hey, Comathers.
Get it? Coma-Mathers.
It's funnier on the page, which, unfortunately, you can't see.
'cause you're in a coma with bandages on your face, which is weird, but whatever.
(SIGHS) Mathers everything is so messed up.
My partner treats me like anything but one.
I mean, he won't even let me help find who shot you, and now I've gotta work with Corddry.
It's like ugh.
But the cherry on top, YouTube Premium won't campaign for me to win an award this year.
It's just, you know, it's hard when everywhere I go in this town I see posters and ads asking me for my consideration.
And yet, everybody seems so inconsiderate of me.
Oh, that's the stuff right there.
That is the stuff, Hansen.
Honestly, if there'd been cameras rolling, that would be your award submission.
Uh, they actually were.
- So.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
I meant rolling on a show that people actually watch.
(SIGHS) I knew I shouldn't have brought you here.
Well, you can blame Verdig for taking off in the squad car - and not telling me where he was going.
- (PHONE RINGS) Oh, that's probably him blowing my shits up right now.
Hey, better not have gone to Shake Shack without me, Hodor.
MAN: Is this Agent Verdig's partner? Actually, I got top billing on my contract, so he's my partner.
- (SCOFFS) - And is Mr.
Hansen there as well? Present! But you can call me Ryan.
Hansen's my dad.
Actually, my two dads.
Then we can begin.
Gentlemen, I'm the man you're looking for.
And if you don't do what I ask, I'm going to shoot the two men you can't live without.
- My agent? - My sponsor? Your partners.
- Eh.
- Wait.
How did you overpower two armed officers? It was actually pretty amazing.
I wish someone had been filming it.
Maybe you can ask them about it, if I don't put holes in their throats.
- What the hell do you want? - I need you to get me a DVD screener.
I have a buyer on the hook who's going to pay top dollar for a very specific piece of merchandise.
Name it and it's yours.
" - BOTH: Oh! - What? What's the problem? Although that is the "Citizen Kane" of "Transformer" movies, it's just that - We'll, get it for you.
- What? Good.
When you have it, text me and we'll set the drop.
Otherwise, both of your partners are dead.
What are you doing here? Just visiting my friend.
- Wait, are visiting hours over? - This is the burn ward.
You're not even supposed to be on this floor if you haven't been sterilized from head to toe.
I have been sterile for years.
Wait, so does that mean But then who have I been talking to these last five episodes? (LAUGHS) God, you're such a dumbass.
We gotta go but not because you're telling us to go because we want to.
(SIGHS) - God.
- What? Look, man, "Bumblebee" is an incredible reinvention of a franchise.
- I have not seen it.
- Well, neither have I, but I can say that because Hailee Steinfeld is the CPF.
Close personal friend.
Please, Stein's like a little sister to me.
We have the same dog walker.
Well, then you can understand why I'm warning you with peace and love, peace and love - Hey, now.
- That there is no screener for her movie because it's not gonna be nominated - for any awards! - Yeah, I know this and you know this, but he doesn't.
That buys some time to come up with a plan to save our partners.
Wait a minute, you mean us together? Look, I don't like the idea any more than I like the idea for this entire episode.
The two of us partners? Please, I'd rather be forced to park in the Sater parking structure at the CBS Radford lot.
Oh, my God, it just keeps going up and up and up and up and plus BOTH: The parking spots are so tight.
BOTH: Yeah.
Well, anyway, if I have to be your partner to save my real partner to help solve the shooting of my other partner, then I know what I have to do.
Partner? Let's do this.
- Partner.
- Ready when you are.
- Hey, you know I am.
- Oh.
Might as well, partner.
- What are you doing? - What? Sorry.
- Why would you do that? - I got confused.
I didn't know what the bit was.
Don't ever pecker check a Corddry man.
- No nuts.
- Never ever unless I say you can do it.
And that day may or may not come.
Got it.
So where to, partner? Well, if we're gonna solve this without any help, we're gonna need some help.
Go, go, go, go, go.
Act normal, act normal.
Wait, what is this place? It's a Hollywood cop bar I hang out at sometimes.
If somebody's gonna know what to do, it'll be one of these guys.
Believe me.
Uh-oh! Hey, Tommy Gun! Ripcord! Who's the narc? - No.
- Hey, Ryan Hansen, please meet Tom Lennon, aka Lieutenant Jim Dangle - from "Reno 911!".
- Hey.
Ryan Hansen aka Ryan Hansen from "Ryan Hansen Solves Crimes on Television.
" - Ryan Hansen.
- Yeah? No, I just thought somebody needed to say your name one more time.
(BOTH LAUGH) What are you doing here with this guy, Cord? - Uh - Um, I thought you said this place was a cop bar.
Yeah, it is a cop bar.
For actors who play cops on TV.
Let me introduce you to the crew.
Look who we got up in this bitch.
Over here we got Michael Chiklis from "The Shield.
" We got Franz, "NYPD Blue.
" Behind you, you got Andre Braugher, who plays the character based on my "Reno 911!" character, except black, so it's different, and you got Belzer spinning the tunes.
Behind the bar, Ted Danson, who was a cop on "CSI," also a bartender on "Cheers," so we got him doing double duty.
- Wow! That is a lot - Yeah.
of backs of famous people.
How come I haven't been invited here before? Because you gotta play a cop on TV.
But I kind of do play a cop on TV.
- New media doesn't count.
- Okay, okay, okay.
He's cool, Tommy.
He's with me.
- Cool.
- Well, this is great.
- They can help us with our case.
- You know what, Hansen? I can help you with the case.
- Yes.
- We don't need to To trouble all these people.
So if we get everybody - You got me right here.
- But what if we use everybody Shut the Who is this guy, huh? Uh, Ryan Hansen.
Say "Ryan Hansen" one more time, and I will drag you out of here and curb stomp you in front of the magnificent Pantages Theatre as "The Bronx Tale" lets out.
Okay, okay.
We gotta cool out.
Is it because I wear short shorts? - No.
- As I work the beat through 88 internationally syndicated episodes, okay.
- Wow.
- And moderately successful film that might even have a sequel one day depending on everybody's availability.
I don't know if we'll get Niecy, maybe we will.
Wendi's definitely said maybe she'll do it, and I don't know it would be great, it would be so great.
- Congrats.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, that's awesome.
- Oh, my God.
- That's excellent.
Yeah, good luck.
- Thank you guys.
Thank you.
Hey, let's just talk about the case.
So, I got your text.
And you said that you're looking for the screener of "Bumblebee.
" Right? Okay, well, Hailee's like family to me.
- Sweet as pie.
- Voice of an angel.
But no studio's gonna spend their dough to mail you a screener of "Bumblebee," and neither one of you got your screeners of "A Star is Born.
" - No.
- Okay, so that got me thinking who has access to both of your mailboxes.
- Hmm? - Well, I mean, Tom, you know, like any celeb worth a star meter on IMDbPro, I don't have a mailbox at my house to avoid stalkers.
- Samesies.
- I have a PO Box - at Packages Plus on Cahuenga.
- Packages Plus on Cahuenga.
- That must be it.
- That must be it.
- Yeah.
- Let's go.
- Tommy, thank you so much.
- Wow.
You've been a doll, a real doll.
Love you, Corddry.
- I love you.
- Mmm.
- All right.
- Thank you so much.
- Kiss the head.
- Give him a little - Give him a kiss on the head.
- What? Give him a little kiss on his - There you go, kiss him.
- Thank you.
- Fucking baby.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- All right, good to see you, man.
All right.
Oh, hey, Mr.
Danson, it's Hansen.
Just wanna say you've been a huge inspiration.
And it's because of you that I always wanna go where everybody knows my name.
All right.
- Yeah, I just met Ted Danson! - Sorry, Ted.
Tell Mary Steenburgen, your wife, I said hello, all right? (MUSIC PLAYING) - Pretty sweet car, man.
- Thanks.
I got a tiny dick.
- Let's go catch us some bad guys.
- Let's do it.
That's weird.
Locked in the middle of a Tuesday.
That's super weird.
Hey, so, after we save our partners, what happens then? - Happens to what? - To us.
Seeing as neither of you is going to be alive, you really don't need to answer that.
Thank you.
Let's go.
Yeah, yeah.
Got it.
Hey, you're okay.
Don't speak to me.
I knew you would fuck this up.
- Rob, you came for me.
- Move it.
- Move.
- What? Oh, God.
So, where's my screener for "Bumblebee"? Look, man, there's something you need to understand about that movie.
And this has nothing to do with Hailee, who goes without saying is a true friend.
- Hollywood royalty.
- So great to work with.
I imagine.
- But there's no screener.
- Bullshit! "Bumblebee" made a ton of money.
That's just the thing, man.
Box office success rarely translates into award show love.
Academy voters have tended to be older white males whose esoteric tastes doesn't always translate to the mainstream public.
And while they have opened up membership to achieve more diversity And expanded the best picture category to ten films to include blockbusters like "The Dark Knight" Well, in theory anyway.
After "The Blind Side" all we get is five extra indies nominated every year.
Which is why year-to-year ratings of "The Oscars" have just been on a steady decline.
Hey, sorry, guys, I don't mean to interrupt, - but are you open? - Jane Lynch? Ryan! I didn't know you were working at Packages Plus! I don't.
I mean I do.
I totally do.
Well, good for you.
I'm glad you quit acting.
- It wasn't for you.
- Look, lady.
- We're closed.
- Oh, come on, man.
Just make an exception for me.
I've gotta pick up a bunch of screeners and I gotta do it today, okay? You see this is what happens when you're a member of so many guilds.
My gosh, I'm in SAG, the DGA, the WGA, the PGA, and what's the other one.
I always forget it.
Oh, the GDG.
- What's the GDG? - You never heard of the GDG? That's because it's so new.
But the GDG is the get down guild! Oh, shit! And this perp just paid his dues.
- RYAN: Whoa! - ROB: That was awesome! - Yes! Wow.
- That's classic Lynch.
Hello? Hello? Can somebody, like, untie us over here? Take your time, Rob.
Take your time.
You've gone through a lot.
- Jane, you were just, like, boom! - You're so good.
- I love you so much.
- That was so good.
- Blowing the smoke and everything.
- Right? I've been shadowing these assholes for months over at Interpol's international celebrity vice squad.
Would've nabbed him earlier, but I have not stopped working.
- Wow.
- Shooting something every day.
- Huh.
- But finally today our schedules lined up.
Ugh, I hear ya, JL.
I hear you.
The prestige comedy grind - can be brutal.
- Oh, yeah.
Not something Hansen over here would get though.
- He acts on the internet.
- Mm.
Well, I guess that answers the question of what happens to us.
I'm sorry, your name is Rob, right? Yeah, Rob.
We've worked together before.
- Are you sure? - Yeah.
We both voiced characters in "Escape from Planet Earth.
" - I've never heard of it.
- I had a picture with you at the premiere.
Oh, my God, I am so sad for you.
But look when I was referring to the difficulty in my schedule, what I meant was that I'm trying to produce episodes of "Hollywood Game Night" at the same time while starring in the award-winning "The Marvelous Mrs.
" And I think you probably know, Rob, that that show is on the internet.
Wait, being on a internet show is cool now? - It is when I do it.
- Right.
- Now you're on an HBO half hour? - Uh, yeah.
- Yeah, shoots in Miami.
- Yes.
It's about the cushiest gig in show business, right? - It's not hard.
- Now, I have not seen Ryan's internet show Do you wanna borrow my log-in info? But I'm gonna tell you this, the energy and the work that he does in one episode of this low-budget, low-rated comedy, far exceeds your effort for an entire season of "Balls" with your one page a day schedule.
Page and three-eighths, but I get it.
Well, hold on, Jane.
It's called "Ballers" and he is number one on the call sheet.
He also created and starred in "Children's Hospital.
" - That won four Emmys.
- Acting and producing.
That ran for seven seasons on Adult Swim and no one has lower budgets than them.
And most important, he's my partner.
And I may not agree with all of his choices on or off screen, but he's with me for this episode only.
So, hey, I got mad respect for you, Jane, I really do.
But lay off.
You know, Ryan, that is exactly what I was hoping you would say.
Oh, guys, let this be a lesson to all of us! Stand by your partner.
Whether it be your scene partner or your cop partner, or your financial partner in a bar/Ping-Pong concept in Highland Park.
The promotion of which is the only reason I'm doing a guest spot on this show.
I do all my Ping-Ponging and drinking at Back Spinners on York Boulevard.
- Thank you, Rob.
- No problem.
- Partners.
- All right.
- Partners.
- Excuse me.
The best.
- Well, see you around, Rob.
- Yeah.
- Bye, Ryan.
- All right.
Hey, by the way, while we were surveilling these guys, came across some chatter about who shot Mathers.
Turns out it was Oh, wait, no.
We got two more episodes left, and I'm pretty sure my partner will figure it out by that time.
- Ah.
- Actually, we can figure that out together.
Partner? Yeah, we will.
- Oh.
- What the hell was that? I don't know.
So in the event that you top cops don't figure this thing out, talk to this guy.
Okay? - Okay, guys.
Partners! - All right.
Yeah! Bye, Jane.
- Let's go.
- Let's do it.
(MUSIC PLAYING) (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) What are you guys up to? Well, we thought we should do something nice for you since you didn't get nominated again this year.
Oh, that's so sweet.
But today I learned that if it's an honor just to be nominated then it's also an honor to be the scene partner for someone who has been.
- Mm.
- Plus, being forgotten at award season just means that I've been in projects that are too popular for the Academy to take seriously.
Like this show.
Like this show.
In any event, your dad and I bought you this.
OMG! My own FYC? Do you like it? I choose the font.
It's Futura bold.
We know how much you love Wes Anderson films.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Oh, it's perfect.
It's the best gift ever.
Well, try it on, see how it fits.
Really? Okay.
You know a lot of people confuse me for a young Bradley Cooper.
He gets that from me.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) I told you to stay away.
I'm a drunk, baby.
But you wouldn't listen, would you? Maybe next time you'll just let me die, and that way a star can be born.
(APPLAUSE) You know I actually haven't seen the movie, but that's what I gather from all the previews.
(LAUGHTER) Wow! Does no one knock around here? Can a guy get a modicum of privacy? No, no, no! No, no, no! Please! Please! Please! Please!