Ryan Hansen Solves Crimes on Television (2017) s02e07 Episode Script

The Ry Guy Goes to Jail

1 Hola, amigos! Ryu here.
Hadouken! So, coming hot off that Jane Lynch cameo.
That mysterious piece of paper she gave us just had two unforgettable words on it, and they were, um John Mackie.
Turns out he's a cop, but dude is like a table at Gjelina on a friday, impossible to find.
Huh! Anyway, what's going on with me? Oh, I just got somewhere very cool.
Wanna guess where it is? Well, here's a hint in the form of a riddle.
It's members only, but you can't apply.
You aren't asked to join, you are made to.
And some of the celeb patrons over the years include, Tommy Lee, Tim Allen, and sadly, three out of every five child stars, that's right (LAUGHS) I'm going to prison, baby.
(MUSIC PLAYING) Hollywood prison, that is, which is different that Hollywood jail, which is different than actor jail, which I am not in anymore.
Anywho How you doing? Ryan Hansen.
Word on the street is you boys are dealing with a wee bit of a murder problem, and I'm here to investigate.
Park in visitor parking.
You sure? I think my agent got me a drive on.
Nope.
Turn around, go back three blocks, pass the impound lot, and walk back.
Ugh! A walk on? This is criminal.
Hm, I guess I'm in the right place.
Prison episode, y'all! Ooh, ooh! (LAUGHS) - What are you doing? - What? (THEME MUSIC PLAYING) It's sad, Pee-Wee was one of our best inmates, besides James Corden.
Wait, James Corden was in jail? Oh, yeah.
Six months for carpool karaokeing into a farmer's market.
CAA kept it out of the headlines.
See, that is exactly why I didn't sign with those people.
They're just servicing the superstars.
It's way more chill to be a big fish in the Gersh pond.
Is is a small pond? Yup.
Is the water safe to drink? Probably not.
Am I asking and answering my own questions? Well, that's hard to say.
You'll have to explain to me what Gersh is someday when I give a shit.
This kind of thing happen a lot here? It's the most violent prison in the country.
New warden's trying to get it in line.
He's former L.
A.
P.
D.
Back when they had standards.
Oh, we still got those.
Except now we call them standards and practices.
Watch this Go (BLEEP) yourself, mother(BLEEP).
Suck it! Suck a (BLEEP, BLEEP) you (BLEEP) and your (BLEEP).
I'm gonna skull (BLEEP) you, you (BLEEP).
See that? Standards.
Uh, did Pee-Wee have any enemies? Yeah, he had a beef with this one inmate, Tarantula, guy tried to pull off both Pee-Wee's ears in the laundry, that's his trademark.
He's got a jar full of ears that he keeps under the can in his cell.
It's quirky and it's edgy, so we allow it.
What, what? Hansen up in the big house.
(LAUGHS) This cell with unlimited bars.
The no leave hotel.
The hotel Oh, my Oh! God! (RETCHING) You wanna try guessing the cause of death? Oh, I think it's gonna be vomiting for me.
I'm gonna be sick.
God, I can't believe today out of all days I forgot to vape my probiotic.
(GRUNTS) We'll let you know if we need anything else.
(GIGGLES) Oh, my God.
I've seen some shit in my day, but this is a new one.
(CHUCKLES) This brings back memories.
Just gonna take a guess, 2005? "Tiger Beat," April edition.
I can't say for sure.
It's not like I memorized every collectible poster pull-out.
But you can tell by the distinctive printing error.
You see that, Vince? My eyes are way more cerulean.
Yeah, yeah, there for sure no deep sadness in you at all.
Question is, what is it doing here? Ugh, well, he's obviously a huge fan.
Those are always the most tragic deaths.
VINCE: Good thing you have so few fans.
Well, he was probably using it to cover up the hole he was digging to freedom.
Total "Shawshank" move right there.
I'm this guy's Rita Hayworth.
Boy, that is a big honor.
She was a beautiful, beautiful plot device.
I highly doubt that you're anybody's Rita Hayworth.
Oh, really? Watch this? (SCOFFS, CHUCKLES) Ow! Mother (BLEEP)! (LAUGHS) Oh, God.
Oh, well, great news, this guy was definitely a fan.
I don't really care.
Now, listen up.
Our killer's in this prison, so this investigation is gonna require something special.
The only way to solve this crime - is by going undercover.
- Going into the dreams of the killer.
- Going undercover.
- Going into the How the hell are you going to go into someone's dreams? I don't know.
Two hats connected by a wire? Maybe like an "Inception" suit or something.
No one totally figured it out.
Did you know they shot all the dream sequences in camera? This is a nightmare.
Is it? (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) Hey, wait up.
So, what are we gonna go undercover as? Here's a fun pitch.
I go undercover as you, you go undercover as me, and we both learn something about each other.
A buddy of mine worked on "Face Off," and he can hook us up with the doctor who did the real operation.
It's gonna be very dangerous.
I'm doing this alone.
Alone? Isn't that kind of out-of-format for this show? Look, I'm gonna need a lifeline on the outside.
That can be you.
You can count on me, partner.
Good.
And slow dissolve to suggest passage of time now.
(MUSIC PLAYING) (INMATES SHOUTING) Hey, buddy.
What the hell? (LAUGHS) Surprise, I'm undercover, too.
Ah.
We're undercover brothers.
Like that movie, um, "Donnie Brasco.
" Fuggedaboudit.
Am I right? Ryan, you were my only link to the outside world.
Nobody even knows I'm in here doing this.
I had to do a real crime to get in here.
A bad one.
It's all totally cool, man.
I know you had to go full method on this one, which is why I wrote down everything, put it in a letter and mailed it to my agent, Nate, okay? Now when someone gets an actual letter in the mail, they know it has to be muy importante.
And unless there's some reason they can't forward you your mail on a yacht in the middle of the Mediterranean, we will be fine.
- (SHOUTING) - Holy I'ma whip your gills and smoke that meat, new fish! (SCREAMING) That's enough, Charles.
Let's go.
Welcome to Hollywood Prison.
I'm Warden Laforze.
We have one rule here, you treat me with respect, and I'll treat you with respect.
Respectfully, not so sure about these mattresses.
This one's all lumpy and covered in stains that look like Not to be gross, blood and semen.
I know it can't be That is blood and that is semen.
Enjoy your stay.
You wouldn't want to trade bunks, would you? You seem more of a top, I'm definitely a bottom.
I need to find Tarantula and figure out what happened to Pee-Wee.
You gonna have to keep your head down here.
Remember this is a prison.
We're in prison, Ryan.
Yeah, I know, but they don't have to treat us like criminals.
What are we doing? Scanning the room? Doing a threat assessment? I'm on it.
Not a threat, not a threat, gray area.
Not a threat.
All clear.
You wanna know what the threat is? It's right here, it's me.
You keep on talking, I'm gonna stab you with this spork.
(LAUGHING) We are so Tango and Cash.
Who do you think I am? Tango or Cash? On the one hand, I love having fun, and I got a rock solid head of hair, so that makes me Cash.
On the other hand, I do a wicked Stallone.
(STALLONE IMPRESSION) And that makes me Tango, so let's dance.
- Ryan.
- Hm? We're in jail with a bunch of murderers.
You trying to get murdered? Got it.
Blending in.
- Blending in.
- Thank you.
(SHARP EXHALE) What is that? Nobu does take-out now.
I'm trying to bulk up.
I hear the great one, Michael B.
Jordan orders the exact same thing.
How'd you get that past the guard? Mmm.
you don't want to know.
Let's just say I did a lot of research on keistering.
Also, a lot of keistering.
Sorry I don't have much to share.
You're attracting attention.
Throw it away.
And throw away my miso black cod? That's like a capital offense.
Oops, shouldn't say that around here.
Oh, hey, guys.
Uh, do you know a guy named Tarantula? Sort of a big unstable looking dude.
Maybe, like, has a thing for severed ears.
Ryan.
That's Tarantula.
That is not Tarantula.
That is definitely a brown recluse tattoo.
Brown recluse it the name of the snitch that put me in here.
Ah.
Well, no offense, it looked like a brown recluse.
Whoop.
Oh, snap! You calling me a snitch? Do you wanna die, Barbie? - Uh, Vince - I can't help you now, kid.
Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot I need to earn your respect by beating up the toughest guy in here Classic prison trope.
So, who is he? Let me at him.
Ah! MAN: Hey, yo! Break it up! It's the duck! The duck? Is that the heavy? Sounds more like the comic relief.
And this prison is so upside down.
I mean, your name is Tarantula, but you obviously have a brown recluse on your face.
- Oh.
- Go, go, go, go, go, go.
MAN: Let him go.
Quack, quack, bitches.
Wait, Duckie? I am so sorry, Mr.
The Duck, sir.
Whoa, Jon Cryer.
That's right.
It's me.
Jon fucking Cryer.
If you fuck with my boy, Ryan Hansen, you fuck with me.
This is the Dick Casablancas.
Thank you.
Dude built the CW.
You think you're getting "Riverdale" without "V.
Mars?" RYAN: That is true.
Think again, motherfuckers.
Oh, joyous day.
The Dick and the Duck in the same prison.
Will you sign my chest for me? Oh, yeah, man.
Hey, anything for a "fansen.
" - This is fun.
- Ah.
- All right, bud.
- Thank you.
I'm gonna get that tatted right over.
Just like my James Corden.
Look at that.
Well, it's an honor, sir.
Let's talk somewhere more private.
Yes, please.
See ya, guys.
- Bye.
- Bye, Ryan, have a good one! - Bye! We love you! - Hey, you the man, Ryan! - So great.
- I love Ryan! No one can eavesdrop on us in here? What? He said no one can eavesdrop on us in here.
Who? Hey, are you in danger? Bitch, please.
I'm Jon motherfucking Cryer.
These fucks are stuck in here with me.
How'd you get to be such a big shot in here? It's Prison 101.
My first day in, I just marched up to the baddest son of a bitch in the yard and beat the hell out of Phil Spector.
(GRUNTS) I knew that was a thing, nice.
Since then I've had a lot of sway.
I'm the reason those "Veronica Mars" DVDs are in the library.
Ah, that's why Pee-Wee had your poster up in his cell.
You know, maybe prison isn't so bad after all.
I mean, getting shived isn't ideal, but that happens every day at the parking lot of Whole Foods.
The one in West Hollywood.
Not that janky 365 in Silver Lake.
They put a 365 in Silver Lake? The world's changing, man.
They added a lane to the 405.
I'm telling you, if you ever get out you're gonna wanna come right back in.
So you know anything about that murder? Only that Tarantula couldn't have done it, because the night of, I was punking his bitch ass out in front of my whole set.
RYAN: That's a pretty convincing alibi.
If he didn't do it, who did? Listen, this assignment you guys are taking on Assignment? I don't We're criminals, just like you.
Vince called in a fake bomb threat on an Amtrak and I'm going a dime for being too politically influential, like Wesley Snipes.
I know you're undercover.
It's not because you're not an amazing actor/cop, but because you're too inherently likable.
Thanks, Jon.
That's what the focus group said too.
Listen, can we get back to the murder? I'm freezing my junk off in here.
This shower is pretty basic.
And yeah, I'm talking about the pH.
The alkaline levels are really drying out my skin.
This ain't the Ritz, Ryan.
Tell me about it, it's barely the Standard downtown.
Ryan's right.
They cut costs however they can.
This is a for-profit prison.
What they don't spend on us, they keep for themselves.
GUARD: Hey, Cryer, you in here? Before you find out who killed Pee-Wee? You have to find out who was killed.
But we know who was killed.
- You just said it was - Da, da, da, da.
Everything you need to know is on this drive.
- Where'd you get that? - Ah, ah! GUARD: Let's go, Cryer.
- Hm.
- It looks like you ain't the only one who know how to keister.
Ugh! God! What did he mean who was killed? And what's a for-profit prison? This whole thing is a riddle.
It's like that new escape room downtown.
Where's the entrance? Beats me.
A for-profit prison is a prison that makes money.
Like any other business.
And that's legal? What you want me to summarize a whole episode of "Frontline" for you? Yes, it's legal.
Well, that explains the $15 permanent phone bank, and the fidget spinner assembly line, and the old license plate workshop.
I guess everybody's got their eye on the bottom line.
It's like that first time you meet your agent and you think you're friends and then all of a sudden, you're like, "Hey, where'd my friend go? He forgot my birthday.
And why is taking so much money out of paycheck?" We gotta find out what's on this flash drive that Cryer gave us.
Yeah, but how do we get access to that? It's not like we can just sneak into the library and use the computer, can we? Or can we? I'm not actually sure.
But I think if we can, they'd smash cut to us in it.
See, a total flip joke.
The way that works is Oh, man, I wish we smash cut to a better library.
I mean, are there even any computers here? There's one.
Hey, yo, my man.
I'ma need to get on this computer.
I'm binging on "Veronica Mars," motherfucker.
Interrupt me again, I'm gonna rip your throat out with my teeth.
- VINCE: What? - Hey, let me give it a shot.
Hey, bud, what's your favorite season of "Veronica Mars"? I think mine's season three, but I don't know.
(CHUCKLES) Oh.
- Ryan Hansen? - Yeah.
(LAUGHING) Oh, shit.
In the flesh.
What are you doing in here, man? Is being incredibly talented a crime now? (LAUGHS) Nah, come on.
Wow! Hey, uh, could I ask you a question? Sure, Ryan Hansen.
Anything for you.
Right.
So what did you want to ask me? Uh what you drinking? - You want some? - Sure, thank you.
- Mmm.
- (CHUCKLES) What is that, sangria? It tastes like fruit salad or POM Wonderful.
Either way, it's delish.
It's Pruno.
Prison toilet wine.
All you need is some old grapes and a shit tone of urine.
It's pretty great.
Anyway, I gotta get back, make sure no one's on the computer, 'cause if there's someone on there, - I'm gonna have to murder them.
- Ah! Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh! Can I please have another sip? It's just so flavorful.
Of course.
It's my mom's recipe.
The good shit's at the bottom.
(CHUCKLES) - Uh-huh.
- Right? Holy shit.
Oh, oh, oh! What's in there again? Is that urine, and also Asparagus, drink up.
Okay.
White asparagus? It doesn't matter, the key thing is it's not fresh at all, the mold adds complexity.
- Mm.
- So, yum-yum.
- PRISONER: You gotta keep going.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm.
You probably tasting the semen.
(RETCHING) Your saliva is sweet, like butterscotch.
Just like I knew it would be, Ryan Hansen.
Thank you so much.
- Absolutely.
- Really.
Let me watch you walk away.
Uh, oh, God.
(MUSIC PLAYING) Grab the ball! - So what's on the drive? - Prison records mostly.
I'm starting to think that we're in a highly dangerous situation here, Ryan.
(SCOFFS) I don't know, man, it's like, ever since Cryer got our back, everyone's been a real doll.
Especially The Doll.
The serial killer who sews his victims into dolls.
Hey, Ryan, what size women's dress are you? - Like a six? - Ugh, I wish! (LAUGHTER) Pee-Wee's name does not match his name on the prison file.
The vic's real name, get this, is John Mackie.
So, Pee-Wee was a stage name? I mean was there another more famous John Mackie when he got here? 'Cause the same thing happened to me when I started acting.
My real name Skeet Ulrich.
It's not a stage name.
It's the same name that Jane Lynch gave us.
He was L.
A.
P.
D.
undercover.
Oh, we're L.
A.
P.
D.
undercover.
What a crazy coince.
GUARD OVER PA: All inmates from Block C, exit the yard, return to your cells.
(BUZZER BUZZING) Wait.
But if he was murdered? Yeah.
It's still a crazy coince, huh? The question is what was he trying to find? Oh, man.
I mean, if something happens to us the L.
A.
P.
D.
is just gonna send two more undercover cops to investigate, right? And then if something happens to them, they're gonna send two more.
It's like how they keep trying to reboot "Spider-Man.
" - Where does it end? - It ends here.
The warden was the last one to have access to the files, he's the only one who knew that Mackie was a cop, which means Mackie knew something that the Warden didn't want getting out.
Probably that private prison stuff, right? No, I told you already, that is totally legal.
Are you sure? - Not you two.
- What? I just had an interesting conversation with Jon Cryer.
Took a while to get it out of him, but let's just say the duck quacked.
You are not who you say you are, are you? I don't know what you mean.
I am a prisoner.
Doing prison things with my prison people.
Prison.
VINCE: And you call yourself an actor.
Well, you'll have plenty of time to work on your craft in solitary confinement.
Where you'll be spending the rest of your natural lives.
Take them to the hole.
- Wait, what? - Wait a minute.
- No.
Hey, I'm Ryan Hansen, okay? - Hey.
Uh, I played Aaron, in literally "Right Before Aaron.
" I was the titular character.
Right? Which is not what you think it means.
I gotta say, part of me is hoping the hole is an amazing pop-up restaurant, with an ironic name.
But then part of me's like, what if the other part of me is being a little bit of a Pollyanna here.
They're gonna kill us, Ryan.
- What? - You don't have to do this, Warden.
As far as we know, Pee-Wee was just another prisoner.
But he was an undercover cop.
I mean, that raises all kinds of questions.
VINCE: None of which we need the answer.
Well, I got a few guesses.
You skimming a little off the top? Pushing that private prison rack - a little too far? - (GRUNTING) What? I'm just saying.
Mackie knew.
That's why the Warden here had him killed.
Probably by some hopeless con on death row with nothing to lose.
Maybe paid in cigarettes, or Pogs.
Here's the thing about for-profit prisons, nobody cares.
Nothing John Mackie could find out was gonna change that.
You weren't silencing a cop investigating private prisons, you were silencing a cop investigating private prisons who was actually investigating L.
A.
P.
D.
Red, which you were a part of as a former cop yourself.
Whoa! That's pretty confusing.
I'm definitely gonna need to comb through the episode summary on Wikipedia.
Excellent detective work, though.
You figured it out just in time to die alone before sharing it with anyone.
What a shame.
(SCREAMING) RYAN: Whoa! Huh! Uh, uh! Get in, get in.
Not you, Ryan.
Get out.
Get the key.
- Close the door.
- Yeah, yeah.
Let's go, let's go! (GROANING) Ryan, are you sure you sent that letter to the agent.
Yes, it's not like I forgot it on the dash of my Prius next to my Clooney bobble head.
Oh, Ryan, that's very specific.
I once sent Nate a long email with career concerns.
And he emailed back, "Yeah, big dog.
" He gets it.
You better call that agent of yours.
Yeah, yeah, totally totes.
Call your agent! Well, I don't want to bother him.
It's after 10:00 AM on a Friday.
Upfronts are coming up, or just happened? - Do it! - Fine.
Okay, what's the number for Gersh.
Is it 3-1-0 or 3-2-3? You don't know your own agent's number? Well, it's in my phone under, "Remember, they work for you.
" But don't worry, I can figure it out.
I have pneumonic to remember it.
If it's 3-2-3, my trainer I need to see If it's 3-1-0, you may have an audition for a show It's 3-1-0, yes! 3-1-0 (PHONE TRILLING) Hey, hey, what's up, Bryce? It's Ryan.
Hansen.
Uh, is Nate around? It's his assistant.
Wait, this isn't Bryce? Bryce left? Well, I thought he just took over for Tanner.
Wait, where did Bryce go? He's a VP at Miramax? Wait, there's still a Miramax? Stop phone-fucking some desk jockey and get the agent.
Oh, Nate's in a meeting? Hey, do you mind breaking in? It's kind of an emergency.
Uh-huh.
Oh.
No, no.
I completely understand.
Okay.
Bye.
(SIGHS) He's in a meeting with Ron Turturro.
The Frank Stallone of John Turturros.
Gersh is partnering with his new brand of snack foods, Ron Chu-churros.
He didn't wanna be interrupted.
He's happy to cash the commission check, but he can't be bothered to pick up the phone.
You know what? That call was the last straw.
RYAN OVER PA: I'm tired of being trapped in the system.
They act like they can do whatever they want to me and I just have to take it.
My God, you sound just like him.
Have I made a few mistakes? Sure.
Have I done things for money I'm not proud of? Yeah, absolutely.
But does that mean they can treat me like an animal? No! It just makes me want to get crazy, you know? Yeah.
Makes me want to get crazy, too.
Hey! What are you doing? Get back to mopping.
(GRUNTS) Get back to work.
- Huh? - Come on, get back to mopping.
(GRUNTING) RYAN OVER PA: Now with these packaging fees and the production companies they're starting, it's a basic conflict of interest.
We gotta tear the whole thing down.
Yeah.
(CHUCKLES) Whoa.
Oh, the microphone.
Hey, is this thing on? Hm.
I'd like to thank my fellow nominees, Sir Christopher Plummer, Martin Scorsese, Cardi B.
I know I'm the one holding this Pulitzer, OVER PA: or, is it pronounced pew-litzer? Like Pepe Le Pew-litzer.
I guess I'm not gonna live long enough to find out.
Wow, this acceptance speech took a real left turn, huh? Now where was I? (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) (INDISTINCT CHATTER) (CHEERING) Gonna tear it all down, boys! No more packaging fees! Ryan Hansen's right! Riot! Let's go! Riot! - Oh, shit.
- You're in for a world of hurt.
The only awards you'll be getting are gonna be posthumous.
- Still counts.
- WARDEN: Put him down! - Hold on, the thing is - What the hell is this? Hey! Get a hold of Get back to your cells! - Get back in your cells! - (INMATES SCREAMING) - Yeah! Uh! - Get back in your cells! I'll put you all in the hole.
(LAUGHS) Ryan, you started a prison riot.
They saved our lives.
I told you they're not so bad, right? Let's kill the guards and make dolls out of their body parts.
We should probably call for backup.
Well, that's one number I know off the top of my head.
(CHUCKLES) BOTH: 9-1-1.
Right.
(POLICE RADIO CHATTER) Next time you go to jail, it'll be as a prisoner starting right back at the bottom of the ladder.
Do you think wardens start out as prisoners? I take him away, boys.
L.
A.
P.
D.
Red is bigger than me.
You have no idea how far this goes.
Well, how far does it go? And where does it start? No, seriously, I'm confused on this one.
- Ugh.
- JON CRYER: Guys.
I think I can clear some of this up.
Jon Cryer, I thought you were tortured for information.
Yeah, well, when you've done 12 seasons of "Two and a Half Men" you can tolerate a little waterboarding.
- Whoa.
- Remember when things - were going crazy during the riot.
- RYAN: Oh, boy, do I? - VINCE: Mm-hmm.
- So I killed a guard with some razor wire I was hiding inside myself.
- Why did you - And I found this in his personal safe.
What is it? I don't think L.
A.
P.
D.
Red was trying to kill Mathers.
I think they were after you, Ry guy.
Wait, me? - Oh.
- VINCE: Oh, shit.
What? Who's the shooter? Sorry, I didn't see a file called, "Huge season two spoilers.
" Oh, my ride's here.
Gotta go.
Wait, you're leaving? Oh, yeah, I furlough out five days a week.
I'm only here for weekends.
I thought you got convicted of multiple murders.
Yeah, well, my agent worked out a deal where freedom is in first position, so I come and go as I please.
Wow, your agent seems like a cool dude.
Oh, he sure is.
He got mean an audition for that "Wakanda Forever" thing.
Wish me luck.
Good luck, Jon Cryer.
And your agent didn't even notice you were missing.
Yeah.
I shouldn't have got my hopes up, but (SIGHS) VINCE: What the fuck kind of "Baby Driver" shit is this? My agent! I knew he'd come for me.
Nate, hey! You read my letter.
Of course.
Well, the coverage of it anyway.
- Yeah.
- Double pass, BT dub.
Some undercover project? How can I say this without sounding like an a-hole? I don't think it's gonna be great.
Like Rotten Tomatoes single dig' not great.
You should still do it because you're not in a position to turn stuff down.
But be prepared for a total shit show.
Hey, you know what? It doesn't matter.
All that matters is you came.
Okay, babe, let's jet.
We're due in Zihuatanejo in 40 minutes and the 405 is slower than my new assistant, Derek.
- (LAUGHS) - We gotta go.
Uh, Vince, you want a ride? Nah, I'm good, I'd rather walk.
- Let's go, baby.
- All right! We'll miss you.
Whoo! NATE: Oh, did you hear Max left Gersh and is directing the new "Jurassic World" spin-off? He's got chick dinosaurs in it.
Amazing story.
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Yeah! Freedom! (CHUCKLES) You know, like in "Braveheart.
" Can we still reference that? I'm actually surprised I didn't see Mel in there.
Well, you know, give it time.
(MUSIC PLAYING) Five, six, seven.
Go directly to jail.
Oh, bother.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHTER) (AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) Hey, hey.
Hey.
You're home early, honey.
Oh, I was gone for an entire week.
Were you? Well, me and your dads-slash-gaybors have just been lost in this super-thrilling, high stakes game of Monopoly.
Oh, this game goes on forever.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHTER) Well, if Monopoly jail is anything like real jail, it must be pretty dope.
I'm sorry, did you just say jail is dope? Are you sure you're not on dope? And if you are, can I have a hit? - (AUDIENCE LAUGHTER) - It's legal now, isn't it? Hey, jail is filled with really nice people, and they're all really familiar with my IMDB page.
- That's odd.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHTER) RYAN: Hey, I know what you're thinking, but I wasn't at some ordinary prison.
This was a private prison, and it was lovely.
There's a real sense of community.
And they have an amazing selection of DVD's.
WIFE: Ryan, private prisons incentivize criminality.
They routinely lobby for stricter sentences for non-violent offenses.
And they've even been caught bribing local officials.
(SHARP EXHALE) They're one of the leading factors of mass incarceration in America.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS) - What the what? - Sorry, Ry-no, but your adventures this week have been deeply problematic.
You're really inviting a lot of think pieces.
Okay, but we were in the showers and we didn't even make one of those jokes that you're not supposed to make.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHTER) - That doesn't mean squat.
Private prisons are not okay.
Are you guys sure? They're totally legal.
What's legal isn't always what's right.
Yeah, in the July 2016 issue of "Mother Jones," said it increased recidivism.
Huh.
Well, I had some hairline recidivism once, but then I saw Pivens' guy and now I got more hair than I know what to do with.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHTER) - Go ahead, give it a tug.
Ow! Careful, some of that is attached to my head.
- (LAUGHTER) - (AUDIENCE LAUGHTER) (MUSIC PLAYING) Who hates you enough to want to kill you? I'm Donald motherfucking Faison.
Ryan! I heard someone's trying to murder you.
We're doing it with a very light touch.
Hansen, you fucking human whoopsie-daisy.
S'up, Schwartz? You got the "Wakanda Forever" choreography down yet? 'Cause I do.
(RHYTHMICALLY) What, what, what, what, what, what, what, what? It's a lot of cameos, right? - You mean suspects? - That's what I said.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)