Sabrina The Teenage Witch s07e13 Episode Script

Sabrina in Wonderland

I'm late, I'm late, but not so late that I don't have time to ask, "What the heck is going on?" Just trying to start my day in a civilized manner.
Are you sure you wouldn't like a little tea, Mr.
Wiggles? Salem, you can dress it up and call it whatever you want, but it has to go.
But I want a pet.
You're the pet.
- Qué? I don't think my roommates will find this cat-and-bunny show within the scope of their reality.
Morning, Sabrina.
Hey, Roxie.
Hi, Harvey.
Cute jacket.
Fortunately, she has her own reality.
Fine or ultra fine? I think I'm gonna go with the ultra fine.
Fine, Leonard.
You're right.
The ultra fine is too thin.
No, I don't care what kind of pens you pick out for the office.
This is a huge decision.
One that we are gonna be writing with for the next few months of our lives.
I know it's scary, but just pick a pen and make a commitment.
- But - No more pen talk.
- I just want to - None.
I have a lot to do, okay? I don't have time for any more distractions.
Unless they're wearing a leather jacket and have a perfectly chiseled jaw.
Yeah, yeah.
I think an article on the band's first album would be great.
Especially if I'm the one writing it.
All right, you just tell me what you need, okay? Launching this band is my number-one priority.
I am completely focused.
Ooh, is he still looking? - Yeah.
- Ahem.
Oh, now he's smiling.
Now Cole looks like he's saying something a little snotty.
Oh, now he's laughing.
But not too much.
But he seems awfully friendly.
- Well, do you know who he is? - Uh, no.
But you're about to find out.
He's coming here.
- You want me to go? - No.
Oh, go.
Okay, go.
It's a good thing you're not a crossing guard.
No, I mean it.
You know, you're smoking.
- Wow, talk about your opening lines.
- Heh, heh.
No, I kind of meant the, um, pen that you're sharpening.
Now it's perfect.
Ha, ha.
Now it's ultra, ultra fine.
Ha, ha.
Hi, I'm Aaron Jacobs.
Aaron Jacobs, the band promoter I've heard so much about and oh-so incorrectly pictured with a beer belly and a bad rug? - Ha, ha.
- I'm Sabrina.
Spellman? The, uh, girl whose column I never miss.
- Nice to finally meet you.
- Heh.
I'm sorry if my hands are sweaty.
Um, I was just, um, flexing one of those exercise thingies, heh.
It's okay.
My, uh, heart is beating so fast I didn't really notice.
Probably too much caffeine, you know.
- You know, I love your writing.
- I love your band.
I just wanted to, um, tell you that I'm a big fan of your writing.
You know, it's, um, honest.
Oh, well, I try.
You know, my motto is, "Give me some truth.
" John Lennon song, right? Sounds like we might have a lot in common.
I mean, at least musically speaking.
Oh, I'm betting way more than musically.
Is it hot in here.
Well, look, you've, uh, probably got a lot to do now that your, um, pen is ready to go.
- So, uh, I was wondering maybe we - Whoa, is that the time? Uh, you know, I, uh, was supposed to, um People, you know.
And it was very nice.
I gotta go.
FYI, she's not interested in charm and good looks.
Trust me, or, uh Well, she'd already be taken.
You ran out? Without him? That is so not how this story is supposed to end.
I'm telling you, I don't know what happened.
I just panicked.
Well, if you want my professional dating opinion, you're an idiot.
Going with Big Red on this one.
Well, my head, my mouth, my heart, they were all out of control.
I think my feet just assessed the situation and screamed "fire.
" Sabrina, that sweaty-palmed, heart-racing, stomach-in-your-throat feeling is what dating is all about.
That and a free dinner.
She's right, sort of.
You know, I'm not a big believer of love at first sight, but that sounds exactly like what this is.
You owe it to yourself to find out.
I don't know, you guys weren't there.
There's something about him that just wasn't right.
Not right is you talking yourself out of liking this guy because he has some mythical host of unknown problems.
You know, she does that all the time.
Okay, the ganging-up thing? Little annoying.
All right, maybe I overreacted.
I mean, if the Fates ever throw us together again and he asks me out, I'll go.
The Fates have a very twisted sense of humor.
That's him.
Don't look.
Here he comes.
Oh, my God.
I'm getting a zit.
Maybe he is the one.
And this is how I always pictured it would be.
It's like time is standing still.
Wait a minute.
Time really is standing still.
Aah! And I did it.
Why would I do that? Maybe I'm sensing danger.
Maybe I'm supposed to protect myself.
Maybe I should stop talking to myself.
I'm not quite sure what happened this afternoon but, um, I promised myself if the Fates ever threw us together again No, I gotta go.
You've gotta admit, she's quick.
And don't take it too personally.
You know, fast, unexplained exits are kind of her specialty.
Oh, I was right.
"When a witch perceives extraordinary danger, time may freeze so she can access the situation and escape.
" To Tahiti with the cat.
Worth a shot.
You know, it doesn't actually say he's a threat.
Well, I just have to figure out why I'm so scared of Aaron.
I got it.
Call him up.
Meet for coffee? Catch a flick? Look, I stopped time.
Clearly, something is amiss.
Oh, here, here's a spell to figure out what makes somebody tick.
"To know a person's intentions, gather something from their head, mouth and heart.
" Okay, head, mouth and heart.
Where's my, uh? Oh, never mind.
You can keep it.
Hi and bye.
You know, if this is about overwatering the plants, I swear I did it out of love.
Sabrina, this is a dating intervention.
Aaron seems like a great guy.
Yeah, what is wrong with you? Handsome, smart and funny is like winning the dating lottery.
Without having to stand in line with poor people.
You haven't really dated anyone since Josh.
We're beginning to think you've forgotten how.
Have either of you actually talked to him? Do you know anything about him? Let's just say he wasn't super-chatty after your most recent dine and dash.
Besides, those are all things you learn by going on a date with someone.
Look, I know you guys mean well, but you're just gonna have to trust me on this one.
Ever feel like you're only getting half the story? Every other day of my life.
Something from his head.
Well, it's been almost a year since we broke up, but she still calls.
Not over your ex yet, eh, sonny boy? - Typical.
- I beg your pardon? Uh, just making conversation, hold still.
- Oops.
- "Oops"? Well, you know, in my defense, I did tell you to hold still.
Something from his mouth.
Fillings? Tongue? Spit? Ouch, ouch and gross.
James, if you, uh, hypothetically had to get something from somebody's mouth for a way out-of-control scavenger hunt, what would it be? Well, I know what you'd get from my mouth.
Probably words you wouldn't wanna hear.
Like, "What kind of stupid question is that?" - Was that helpful? - Not at all.
I tried.
It's about time, man.
You got those contact sheets? Don't forget to drop off contact sheets at Scorch.
You got it bad, man.
That's She was right here two seconds ago.
Yeah, that's okay.
I seem to have that effect on her.
All right.
Uh, top of the list for the scavenger hunt, chewed gum.
Okay, now something from his heart, or as they say in español, "el hearto.
" I don't know about this place, Aaron.
There's a serious cheese factor going on.
Ha, ha.
Oh, really? I think it's great.
You know, it's so retro.
It kind of reminds me of Happy Days.
I loved that show.
That'll do.
"Olé- ter.
" So you still chasing that writer chick? Hey, any girl who looks like that and can quote Lennon, she's the girl for me.
Hi, normally I don't interfere with my friends' lives, but I think I'm about to make a big exception.
I have to mix this all together and I'll finally know what makes Aaron tick.
Something from his head, a lock of hair.
Something from his mouth, words he spoke.
And something from his heart.
He really loved your show, Potsie.
Thanks, Mrs.
What makes him tick? A watch, of course.
Hey, look, it even has his name on the back.
You know, that's gonna make it impossible to return.
I just have to wind this sucker up and I'll finally know what sinister thoughts are lurking beneath that cool handsome exterior.
Sabrina, we need to talk.
Oh, cute.
Salem's got a pet.
Yeah, and they need time to bond.
So why don't we talk in the other room.
Morgan, I'm really busy, so if there's any way this could wait There is not.
It's too important.
Well, then make it quick.
First of all, you're missing an earring.
And it looks like something gnawed a hole in your sweater.
Oh, I love this sweater.
Oh, someone is this close to becoming stew.
Sabrina, I think that I am a little more experienced in matters of the heart than you are.
I really believe that you are missing a huge opportunity with Aaron.
- And it's only because - Morgan, you have to trust me.
I mean, there might be a lot more to this guy than we know.
Give me two minutes and we'll be discussing his prison record.
What? Prison? Oh, my God.
Okay, now, let's find out what makes Aaron The watch, it's gone.
Where is it? You know the old expression, "Hare today, gone to Maui"? See? This is why you cannot have a pet.
Okay, where are you, you furry little pickpocket? - Whoa.
- Whoa.
- You startled me.
- Oh, what are you doing here? Uh, you didn't happen to see a rabbit go by, did you? Uh, no.
Look, I know this might seem kind of weird and stalkery, but, you know, I have on good authority that You're gonna run away again, aren't you? Afraid so.
I swear, rabbit, you better give me back that watch or else.
I'm guessing this would be the "or else.
" Nice hole.
Very rustic.
A journey first you must take.
Love and future are at stake.
I have spent way too much time and energy making that watch.
I've gotta figure out what makes that hunky stranger lurking in my house tick.
- I don't have time for your magical - Cookie? Maybe just one.
Hey, come back here.
Whoa, talk about carbo loading.
- So how did it go? - Better.
I almost got out a whole sentence this time before she ran out.
Well, I know she'll be back.
She's pretty partial to dinner.
Yeah, that may be, but I think it's time I took the hint.
No, please.
Come in for a few minutes.
You know you want to see her again.
Okay, fine.
But I have my dignity.
If she's not back in a week, I'm out of here.
You know you've got a big chunk of hair missing from the back of your head? Hey, baby.
Ha, ha.
Nice dress.
You should talk.
James? I answer to a lot of names, but James ain't one of them.
Of course you don't.
Why populate an annoying alternative universe with annoying people I know? - That was rhetorical, right? - Yeah.
So, uh, have you by any chance seen an exceptionally spry white rabbit with a pocket full of stolen property pass by? Oh, yeah.
Oh, except he was more brown than white.
And, you know, he wasn't so much a rabbit as he was a tree squirrel.
Come to think of it, that may have been Tuesday.
Bottom line me, have you seen him or not? No, I guess not.
Has anyone told you you're misleading? Just this furry little guy with a big pocket watch.
- So you did see him? - Who? All right, he may have mentioned that I had a lot in common with this watch he was carrying.
The watch? What did it say? All I saw was the word misleading on his face.
Aaron is misleading? Not a quality you want in a boyfriend.
Ooh, you single? How about you put me in a shoebox and take me home? No, but, uh, I'll look you up the next time I go fishing.
No, Sabrina has lived here since high school.
So, what about you? Where are you from? Oh, all over.
We moved around a lot.
Roxie, I'm so glad I found you.
I went all the way to the diner to warn you Not to have the pulled pork.
- It's bad.
- Uh, oh, okay.
So, what else can I tell you about Sabrina? What are you doing? I, uh Trying to subtly get you to come over here.
Excuse me for just one second.
What is he doing here? Sabrina thinks that he may have a prison record, or worse.
You're insane.
And I don't mean your normal, nutty, endearing insane.
He's a great guy.
He's just asking a ton of questions about Sabrina and And being incredibly vague any time I ask him about himself.
Who's being endearing now? Okay, I'll keep an eye on him.
You try and find Sabrina.
We'll get to the bottom of this.
And how creepy is it that he's just hanging out here? Well, I did invite him to stay, but he accepted awfully quick.
Very suspicious.
Oh, good, good, another guest has arrived.
No, no, no, I'm not staying.
I just Whoa, do the names Leonard and Cole mean anything to you guys? No, but if they're coming, they have to bring their own chairs.
Oh, and cheese.
Cheese would be nice.
I'm reluctant to ask, but have you seen the White Rabbit? Oh, yes.
We know exactly where he is.
We won't tell you until you have a cup of tea with us.
All right, but it has to be quick.
Because I've got company upstairs, you know, with a misleading heart, but great hair.
- It has to be a very small cup.
- Sure.
- No, don't sit there.
- Why not? Well, what if I want to sit there later? Wow, self-centered in two different dimensions.
So, what will it be? We have black tea, brown tea, green tea, chamomile, Darjeeling, jasmine, orange pekoe I'm sitting there now.
- Oolong, almond, blackberry, peppermint - Excuse me, I'm sitting there.
- Pick a tea and pick a seat.
No, that would require too much of a commitment.
Commitment is bad.
Very afraid of commitment are we.
It's just like the rabbit's watch read.
- The watch said fear of commitment? - Plain as day.
It was fairly committed to its fear of commitment.
Wonderland has been irritating and perplexing, but at least now I know what makes Aaron tick.
Who wants to get involved with somebody who's afraid of commitment? I'm trying to find somebody who won't steal my chair.
Irish, peach, chrysanthemum, ginger.
Oh, dear.
Looking for someone? Salem I'm not even gonna ask.
Yes, I'm looking for someone.
Any idea where the White Rabbit might be? Maybe yes, maybe no.
Impressive, but I don't have time for all this double talk, riddle-me-this, riddle-me-that, fading-in-and-out business.
It's my best trick.
Wanna see my best trick? It's called toothless Cheshire.
Point taken.
He's playing croquet with the queen.
I always forget.
Whenever you fall into a parallel fairy-tale universe, always skip ahead to the last chapter.
Oh, did you see the watch? Excellent craftsmanship.
But you probably want to know about the big secret.
Finally, we're getting somewhere.
What's the big secret? How should I know? It just said "big secret.
" You know, another thing I always forget.
Cats: Unhelpful no matter what story you're telling.
So that's it? That's all you have to say about the last three years of your life? You quit MTV, started your own label, got into A and R and now manage a band? Sounds just a little sketchy.
Okay, I think my time here is just about up.
Oh, not so fast.
What makes you think you deserve a girl as special as Sabrina in the first place? You know, I'm not uncomfortable with waiting in silence.
- You broke my wicket.
- Well, I think you broke my foot.
- Off with her head.
- What? - You're kidding.
- Kind of.
I just like saying it.
So up for a game of croquet? Oh, no, I'm not really one for games.
Although I would be up for a hand or two of gin rummy.
That's too bad.
Playing games is what really makes that watch of yours tick.
Aaron's a game player too? You know, this is getting worse by the character.
I thought I might find the White Rabbit here.
Oh, he's already played through.
But if you can get your ball to the other end of the field I can see him and be through with this farce? That's the game.
A Number 6 flamingo, diamond boy.
And stand back.
Fore! Okay, rabbit, what do you have to say for yourself? Close your eyes and touch the tree, you'll find the watch you need to see.
For crying out You show the watch to every caterpillar, cat, and crazed milliner you come across, but I'm the one who has to choose? Fine.
Hey, it worked.
"Misleading, fear of commitment, games player, big secret.
" Happy you do not seem.
Well, I guess part of me was kind of hoping that Aaron would turn out to be a good guy, but all the awful things everybody here told me about him were true.
What? This is my watch? At Salem's request, I made it for thee with the ring from your ear, a pencil and the sweater you hold so dear.
But I don't understand.
I mean Sure I've been misleading and I guess you can say I've been playing games, and heaven knows I have a big secret, but am I really so afraid of commitment that I'd stop time? We must know our own heart before we can know that of another.
Well, I guess I really was trying to protect myself.
I mean, Aaron is someone I could totally fall for and I just don't want to get hurt again.
The truth we know for it rings so clear.
So, what's up with this whole Yoda, Confucius, grasshopper thing? Yeah, the tourists seem to like it.
Thank goodness you're back.
You were right about Aaron.
He's here and there's something very strange about him.
I don't think he's the problem.
Look, I know I owe you a huge explanation, but I don't really have one.
All I can say is that I'm sorry and that I'm scared and I didn't mean to play games with you.
The point is, I'm not the kind of girl you should be running after.
Then stop running.
Well, when you put it like that.
Ha, ha.
Are you sure you don't want to at least take a peek at Aaron's watch? Nope.
I want to find out what makes him tick the old-fashioned way.
You know, you could have told me that your little white rabbit friend was the White Rabbit.
I thought you met him at my cousin Cheryl's bat mitzvah.
He looks different sober.
That was a very nice thing you did for me.
I just didn't want to see you making a big mistake.
And it might be nice to see you in love again.
You're turning into a real softy.
- Promise not to tell anyone? - Promise.
We're not gonna hug, are we? No, you're safe.
Because I wouldn't mind.