Sabrina The Teenage Witch s07e14 Episode Script

Present Perfect

Look, all I'm saying is you have more hair to wash, you should pay a bigger share of the water bill.
Says the girl with the 300-watt makeup mirror.
- Something burning? Unh! Smoke, flames.
Blackened cookies.
Think Annie will believe me when I tell her they're Cajun? Why are you baking cookies for your boss? Well, I thought giving her sacks of cash would be too obvious.
This week is my performance review and every little bit of sucking up helps.
Unfortunately, sacks of cash is exactly what the electric company wants.
This is what we each owe for utilities.
Well, if I pay that, I won't even have enough for my car payment, or my nails.
Not even one coat.
How pathetic am I? I'm gonna have to put half this on my credit cards.
Yes, I'm saved.
No, all mine are maxed out.
So? There are like five applications for new ones in today's mail.
Of course, that is good.
- This is America.
- Exactly.
Life, liberty, and the pursuit of the perfect little black dress.
I think I put one too many eggs in.
I guess that answers the whole chicken-or-the-egg question.
Someone looks pretty spiffy today.
And I don't just mean me.
I'm meeting Aaron after work.
It's our first official date and I want to look perfect.
Oh, is that a hole? - Oh, no, just lace.
- Oh, for the record? The way to a man's heart is not through his stomach.
- Here, I'll prove it.
- Hey, hands off.
Those are a shameless bribe for Annie, along with the mocha almond coffee.
Hello? Who made this coffee? - I did.
It's disgusting.
You know I don't like anything sweet.
Except for the occasional chocolate-chip cookie.
Spellman, we've got work to do.
And by we, I mean you.
I need these pages proofed.
Hey, this is your article.
You must have a lot of faith in me.
I'm flattered.
No, don't be.
You're all I've got.
The temp they sent over is dyslexic.
Well, me and my red pen will get all over this.
Not that I'm expecting a lot of mistakes.
I'm expecting a lot of, you know, check pluses and "very goods" and "good jobs" and "very funnys.
" The article's about starvation in sub-Saharan Africa.
In your capable hands, I'm sure it's hilarious.
I'll get started.
What? That sentence is perfect.
Except that it ends in a preposition.
Which Shakespeare did all the time.
So I'll just turn this question mark into a happy face.
You do realize that for your review tomorrow, Jonathan has finally consented to letting me decide your fate? And it's a good thing we get along so well or I'd be worried.
This has to be perfect.
Annie, apropos of nothing, care for a cookie? Oh, Leonard, that's so sweet of you.
A little sucking up wouldn't kill you, Spellman.
Okay, are you sure this is how you spell Madagascar? I'm sure, Merriam-Webster is sure, the ambassador to Madagascar is sure.
I'm sorry, I just can't afford to make even one mistake.
I mean, am I just paranoid or is Annie out to get me? Oh, she's definitely out to get you.
The rest of us talk about it all the time.
Oh, well that explains the pointing and whispers.
Sure, believe whatever you want.
Okay, well, after tomorrow, Annie is gonna be my biggest fan.
Does that mean we're done and we can get something to eat? Eat, dinner, Aaron.
Oh, no.
Oh, so much for tonight being perfect.
Oh, late for your first date, huh? Could that be your subconscious calling out for a steaming hot bowl of Leonard stew? No, but I think I did just hear it scream.
Oh, hey, Aaron.
Yeah, I'm so sorry.
I am on my way.
Actually, I'm in the parking lot.
Oh, late and lying.
This relationship is doomed.
Uh, no, that's just the valet.
Uh, thank you for your input, sir.
Now please just park the car.
Okay, I'll be right there.
- Bye, Leonard.
- Bye, Leonard.
Thanks for staying late.
Thanks for helping me out.
Thanks for staying late and helping out.
Hey, any time.
She so wants me.
I, um, didn't see you come in.
Oh, then you missed my pirouette by the dessert cart.
- Ha-ha-ha.
- I'm so sorry, I'm late.
Oh, don't worry about it.
You look really beautiful.
Thanks, you too.
Well, or whatever the male equivalent is.
Ha, ha.
So, um, you must be starving.
No, I ordered an artichoke for us to share.
And it was delicious.
Ha, ha.
But not to worry, I've ordered us another one.
Oh, perfect.
I love artichokes.
You know, totally underrated vegetable.
I mean, it grows its own wrapper.
Leaves conveniently shaped for dipping.
And really hard to hold on to.
I'm sorry.
Oh, don't worry about it.
My fault for not putting down a napkin, or wearing rubber pants.
I think I'm just really nervous.
I wanted our first date to be perfect.
And here I am, you know, late and throwing food all over the restaurant.
- It's okay.
Five-second rule.
- Ahem.
You know, um, it would be okay if you said something.
In fact, it would be helpful.
Are you kidding? I'm enjoying the performance.
Then you should stay for the late show.
Not that I'm implying anything.
Not that I'm not implying anything.
I just Please say something.
So seen any good movies? Great, another credit card activated and ready to go.
Plus, it came with 10,000 miles on Icelandic Air.
This is so easy.
You should've seen what I had to fill out to get a Blockbuster membership.
Why is it easier to get a credit card than rent A Night at the Roxbury? Ooh, Sabrina's home.
We should clear out and give them privacy.
You're right.
We don't want to be nosy roommates.
How sweet.
He's going in for the kiss.
No, Sabrina, tilt to the left.
His left, his left.
Ooh! That's gotta hurt.
Sorry again.
Are you sure you don't wanna come in? No, I think the cold air will help stop the bleeding.
Good night.
Hey, Sabrina.
That was officially the worst date of my entire life.
There is no way he's ever gonna wanna go out with me again.
Then it's good he's the one with the bloody nose.
No, and my day was hardly any better.
Let's just hope that this is all the storm before the calm of tomorrow's glowing performance review.
Before I forget, Leonard called.
He thinks you might have misspelled Madagascar.
Another mistake brought to you by the incompetence at Sabrina.
I'm sorry, Sabrina.
Can we at least buy you something? Thanks to you, we've got a $100,000 limit.
No, I don't think anything could possibly help.
Except maybe one of those little foot massager thingies.
That wouldn't hurt.
Maybe, actually, one for each foot.
"Mistakes, goofs, blunders, faux pas.
" - Check the appendix.
- This doesn't have an appendix.
But you do.
The appendix is nature's biggest mistake.
Well, since the dog.
This is relevant how? Little known fact.
If a witch gets rid of her appendix, she'll be mistake free.
Remove a minor non-vital organ without anesthesia? After what I've been through today, that doesn't sound so bad.
Mistakes that I make cause damage and strife, help me remove the cause from my life.
Holy appendectomy.
Tell me you're Board Certified.
Yes, I'm Ouija board certified.
Here you go.
A little souvenir.
My appendix is in there? What am I supposed to do with this? I mean, put it with my old retainer? I turned mine into a hacky sack.
That was useless, I don't feel any different.
Nope, not in the slightest.
Well, you seem a little different.
Oh, pshaw.
No different at all.
You know, oh, no time for dilly-dallying.
Tick-tock, time for bed.
I couldn't possibly sleep in an unmade bed.
Okay, well, see you in exactly eight hours.
Isn't it a perfectly perfect day? Yep.
Be sure to have a muffin or three.
I decided to have it catered.
Breakfast, it's everywhere I wanna be.
I'm paying off my student loans.
Whoever said you can't put a price on education didn't go to college.
I can't believe you guys are being so dense.
You thought it was a good idea too.
Not at these interest rates.
Okay, first, transfer this balance to this card.
And transfer that balance to that card.
Deduct 12 percent from the principal, and you can apply for two more cards and a home equity loan.
Come on, print.
Okay, I've given you toner, I've given you paper.
I've given you everything you asked for.
- What more do you want from me? - Uh, you mind if I take a look at that? How'd you do that? Oh, I just tweaked the tolerance on the third set of pass bars and upped the toner 33 percent.
Duh! Oh, layout for the skateboarding piece, huh? Yep, and I'm on a little bit of a deadline so if you could Something's missing.
Ooh, I think it's the action.
Okay, try leading with this one.
Pow! Then you follow with these three.
Bam, bam, bam.
Yeah, you don't even need this one.
You know what I don't need? A perky little know-it-all telling me how to do my job.
Oh, nice layout, James.
You're welcome.
- Aaron, how wonderful to see you.
- Ha, ha.
Okay, a little Doris Day, but I could get into it.
I just came by to see if you're free for lunch.
Your timing is perfect.
We have exactly 60 minutes.
Oh, great.
Okay, I read about this terrific little Italian place Uh, bup, bup, bup.
Fifty-nine minutes.
Less talk, more walk.
It sounds like work's been going a lot better for you today.
Hmm? Oh, it's been perfect.
Is something wrong? No, it's Well, yes.
It seems that my side of the tablecloth is hanging slightly lower than your side.
And there's a stain.
Whoa! Yeah, I know.
And this is a four star restaurant.
Anyway, I was about to tell you about my perfect day.
I'm so looking forward to this afternoon.
It's my performance review and I just know that everything is gonna be Excuse me.
Hi, hi there, hi.
You mind if I? Okay, first you pluck off the claws, like so.
Then you pinch here and here, and voilĂ , heaven in little red pants.
Wow, between you and I, I had no idea you were such a stickler.
Well, between you and me, I'm not.
I'm sorry, but, uh, the pronoun in that case is, after all, the object of a preposition.
What do you say we get the check? Well, I don't understand the need.
I kept a running total of everything we had in my head.
Um, you had an ice tea Okay, do not say, "tick-tock, tick-tock, people," again.
I beg you.
I'm sorry, this staff meeting was supposed to start two minutes ago.
My watch is set to Greenwich Mean Time.
Yeah, well, mine is set to Annie mean time.
- Where's Leonard? - Here you go.
Proofs for next week's issue.
Got any changes? Should have made them this morning.
Ha, ha.
Aw, shoot, they spelled my name wrong.
Someone changed the title of my article.
Uh, it was a little wordy.
This has pith.
Somebody re-cropped all my photos.
- Guilty.
- Spellman, what were you thinking? I asked you to proof my article, you changed the entire thing.
But only in the interest of good journalism.
Now it's perfect.
Don't you get it? You changed titles, you altered the layout.
You rewrote your boss? What were you thinking? Well, I was thinking in your case, that your third paragraph should be your lead, and when you read it, you'll see I was right.
Oh, well, here's a lead for you, you're fired.
Fired? Well, now, that is not very perfect.
You heard me, Spellman, you're fired.
Effective immediately.
But I don't understand.
I mean, why would you fire me? I am error free.
I am without flaws.
I don't even have any cavities.
Look, Annie, I love this job, and I am just trying to be the best employee I or anybody in the history of employees - Sabrina here.
- Hey, Sabrina, it's Aaron.
Oh, hi, I don't mean to imply that your timing isn't perfect but, um, I'm in the middle of a slight crisis.
- Could I call you back? - You know what? No need.
Um, I was just calling to say that, uh I think we should cool things down a bit.
You know, maybe take a break from each other.
Take a break? From what? We just started.
If this is about the artichoke incident, I swear I've changed.
Don't worry, that's perfectly clear.
I'll see you around, Sabrina.
How could everything go so wrong when I am so right? I might have been a little ambiguous.
I want you out.
Okay, there's that preposition at the end of a sentence again.
All right, I'm going.
Sabrina, wait.
You've got to help us.
I'm sorry, but you and your new karaoke machine are just gonna have to butcher Celine Dion without me.
I figured out there's no way we can even come close to the minimum payments on all of these credit cards.
And they are not giving us any more credit.
They say that we have no visible means of support.
Which at first I thought was a huge compliment.
And even if we stop spending today, we'll be in our 50s before it's all paid off.
I'm sorry, but I have bigger fish to fry.
Ooh, and that giant fish fryer might come in quite handy.
Sabrina, you have to help us.
You're the one who led us down this path of debt and despair.
And here I was feeling guilty about forging your name.
I'm sorry, but I thought it was a perfectly perfect idea.
I want my appendix back.
This spell has cost me my job, my friends' financial future, a fabulous guy, ooh, but my hair's never looked better.
Well, I can't help you with the appendix.
I put it down the garbage disposal.
It's sleeping with the eggshells.
What? Never put eggshells down the garbage disposal.
There's gotta be some way to undo this spell.
You know, being perfect is perfectly awful.
Salem, you've been around for hundreds of years.
You've gotta know a way to reverse this.
Well, I might be able to pull some strings and get you into Mistake School.
- Mistake School? - Yeah.
It's a school for people having trouble with mistakes.
Ooh, sounds perfect.
Okay, people, we've been over this before.
Once again from the top, the comb-over, always a mistake.
Thinking that it's gonna clear up on its own.
Excuse me, I'm Sabrina Spellman and I misplaced my appendix.
Consequently I've lost my job and my boyfriend.
So really I just need to learn mistakes again and, uh, then I can go.
You lost your boyfriend and your job? Sounds like you already know how to make mistakes.
Uh, it's called irony.
Ha, ha.
Okay, just tell me what I need to do.
Start with a review of your mistakes.
One moment, sir.
Why is her case up? I've been here since 1876 for a mistake I didn't even make.
General Custer.
Whole troop wiped out by a handful of Indians.
Whew, that was a big mistake.
Hey, who took my pencil? I'm telling you, they ambushed us.
My horse was lame.
The sun was in my eyes.
I swear, I sell that screenplay I am so out of here.
Okay, Sabrina Spellman, let's take a look at your mistakes.
Those are all my mistakes? I'm not even that old.
This is just the A's.
And now we enter the junior high years.
So obviously you can get a sunburn on a cloudy day.
Oh, everybody was obsessed with Madonna that year.
And people said I looked hot.
Well, that's a spell gone awry.
Another spell gone awry.
Gone awry.
Awry, but for the record, his head eventually did grow back.
What? That sentence is perfect.
Except that it ends in a preposition.
Mouthy little gal, ain't she? Two words.
Sitting Bull.
All right, point taken.
I shouldn't have corrected my boss.
Let's go to a little later that same day.
All right, all right.
I admit it, I make mistakes.
I'm the worst person, witch, employee, roommate, girlfriend, artichoke eater in the world.
You forgot student.
You're just not getting it, are you? Hey, that's me.
I am a determined little thing, and cute.
You fell on your keister 1,100 times before you finally walked across that room.
Hey, now that is just being unfair.
Okay, I'm a baby.
That's what babies do.
That's how they learn to walk.
Oh, I get it.
Mistakes are important because we learn from them.
So instead of wishing I never made any, I should just embrace what they teach me and move on.
And you couldn't have given me this platitude two hours ago? There you go.
You are completely fallible, error-prone, and will definitely make many, many mistakes during your lifetime.
I can't wait to get started.
So does this take effect right? I guess so.
Okay, I'm sorry if I contributed to this problem.
I'm sorry if I actually made it worse.
And I'm sorry that I wasn't espousing fiscal responsibility and sage advice, but I now know exactly what we have to do.
- What? - This.
- There.
- One of those was my driver's license.
Oh, my mistake.
I just want to say that I'm really sorry if I caused everyone grief.
I was so afraid of making a mistake that I stepped in a couple of big ones.
Oh, no kidding.
I'm probably gonna regret this, and it's not gonna help my reputation for being a softy but I am willing to give you one last chance.
Oh, woo-hoo.
Thank you so much.
Oh, uh, one last chance starting now? - Proof this.
- Will do.
And don't clog the margins with your little happy faces.
Won't do.
And don't flag anything except typos.
Nope, no flags, no happy faces, unless it's my happy face because I'm so happy to be back.
Never mind.
I need this done now and I need it done right.
I'm gonna give it to Esme.
Her English is really improving.
Well, okay, you're the boss.
Whatever you want is fine.
It gives me a chance to get started on the article I wanna write.
Don't waste your time.
Oh, no, it's not a waste.
I'm actually really excited about it.
- Let me pitch it to you real quick.
- No, I mean, don't waste my time.
The last thing I need to do is slog my way through another tedious Spellman hack piece.
Okay, maybe later.
No, wait.
Uh, wait a minute.
Did you just call me a hack? Hmm, let me think.
Yes, I did.
No, not okay.
Not okay at all.
I beg your pardon? Look, I admit it, I might make the occasional mistake, but the biggest mistake I made was not standing up to you months ago.
I'm not a hack.
I'm a really good writer and I bust my butt day in and day out for you.
I do not deserve to be treated like this, ever.
You go, girl.
I mean, uh, you, Sabrina girl, go home and think about what you just said.
Oh, I don't have to think about it.
I know what I just said and I stand by it.
I quit.
Oh, so you're just gonna walk out of here? Do you know how difficult it is to find a job in journalism? You're making a huge mistake.
You know, I don't think so.
But if I am, I'll learn.
Someday I'd like to be the kind of girl who makes a graceful exit.
I certainly hope not.
What are you doing here? I just wanted to apologize for being such a schmuck.
I mean, what kind of guy breaks up with a girl over the phone? You're not gonna do it now in person, are you? No.
Look, I realized you were just trying to make everything perfect.
And while that's sweet and flattering, Sabrina, I love it when you're wrestling with vegetables and always showing up late.
Well, actually, that last part is a little bit annoying, but the point is, I don't want somebody who's perfect.
Well, then it's your lucky day.
Absolutely perfect.
That's fantastic.
I'll see you first thing tomorrow morning.
Salem, I just booked my second freelance assignment.
- Apparently I'm quite in demand.
- Yeah, that's great.
Do you know where the tape is? Yeah, here you go.
Wait a second.
What is this for? Why do you always go there? It's a roll of tape.
Not C-4 plastic explosives.
Maybe I got you something and I'd like to give it a decent wrapping instead of sticking it in some cheesy gift-bag.
All right.
Jeez, I'm sorry.
I guess I just thought that maybe you'd try to use this to tape these up and use them? What? I've never seen those credit cards before in my life.