Sammy J & Randy in Ricketts Lane (2015) s01e01 Episode Script

The Postman

1 When your spirit's broken When hope is hard to find When everyone's on board the life train But you got left behind When lady luck has left you When the carcass of your dreams When the chips are down When you hit rock bottom Is swinging in the breeze It's just me and you There's a light on the porch and it's me with a torch Shining bright and true For me and you Pa-pa-da, pa-pa-da And we'll see each other through Pa-pa-da, pa-pa-da And I'll stand by you 'cause that's what friends should do That's what friends should do So in the absence of a more attractive offer It's just me and you.
(Door creaks) (Taser buzzes) Argh! (Randy screams) Oh! Oh, oh (Coughs) Oh! Got me a beauty! You know what this means? BOTH: Tie breaker! (Laughs) What'd I tell you, Randy? Your father never loved you? Yeah, but then I said if you take the classic rules of hide-and-seek and introduce the brutality of a 50,000-volt taser, you've got yourself a winning combination.
Gimme, gimme, gimme! Count to 10, leave it on low.
One, two, ten! (Laughs) The old 'run out the back door, sneak in the front' trick, eh? Not on my watch (Taser clicks) Argh! (Laughs) Take that, Sammy J! Take what? (Slurps) Umm Randy, what've you done? (Gasps) Sorry, mate.
This still counts as a point, right? No! Rule 27 clearly states that a player must not taser his or her opponent in the groin.
Oh, come on! Rules are rules, Randy.
Where should you aim? For the thigh.
Correct.
For the thigh.
(Screams) Where else? The buttocks? Safety first.
(Screams) Please stop! Jesus And why do we aim for these regions, Randy? Because your opponent is immobilised BOTH: .
.
but still remains conscious.
Excellent.
How can we help you? It's census time.
(I knew this day would come.
) Well, thanks for ruining our morning! BOTH: The Bureau of Statistics are sadistic and deranged They're back here asking questions but our answers haven't changed 'Cause my life is just as shitty As the last time it came round And I feel like such a loser when the census comes to town.
Hey! Must they make us suffer this humiliating task Pissing on our soul with every question that they ask? 'Cause my salary's gone backwards And my marriage ran aground And I feel like drinking poison when the census comes to town What's a dwelling? Don't ask me I'm still stuck on question three Assets? I've got herpes.
What's my surname? J How's your sex life? Null and void.
Occupation? Unemployed.
Relationship? Not technically.
Put 'stalker.
'Nice.
Superannuation Occupation Any further education Origin of gender, orientation Net worth Date of birth Language spoken at home Anglais-ee! Income, TV, garden Health fund, license, power Method of sewerage Landline, heating Livestock, windows Livestock? Livestock? Livestock! Yeah, livestock! Cash, cars, gas Kids, beds, cars, wife, roof We've got nothing but the bastards make us write it down And I feel like such a failure And I feel like such a wanker I feel like such a deadshit when the census comes to town.
Hey! Married? No.
Children? No.
Religion? No.
War service? Yes! What war were you in? The war on terror.
You were not IN the war on terror.
We're all in the war on terror! (Cries) (Sighs) Are you OK, champ? I just wanna tick some boxes.
I'm a grown man, for God's sake.
My salary hasn't changed in five years.
I thought by now, I'd be going places.
We went to Albury-Wodonga! Randy, Albury and Wodonga are two incredibly disappointing border towns that sit on opposite sides of the Murray River and contribute nothing other than providing travellers between Melbourne and Sydney a convenient place to take a piss.
You take that back! I'm sorry, that was way out of line.
(Sighs) Look, I don't know what you're worried about.
I've ticked a few boxes, check it out! 'Welfare recipient', 'bankruptcy', 'substance abuse'? A tick's a tick! Then why haven't you ticked 'divorced'? Oh, too soon? No! I'm actually seeing her today.
Through binoculars? Shut up.
Randy, I know the separation's been difficult for you.
I mean, your ex-wife Victoria Vincent is a successful host of a top-rating current-affairs program.
And you are a piece of shit.
That's a ham-and-cheese focaccia.
Oh, sorry, my flashcards are out of order.
Don't get me wrong, I'm a piece of shit as well, but I don't go around trying to win the hearts of national celebrities.
You're punching well above your average.
Weight.
What for? No, punching above my weight.
I know, that's what I said.
No, you said 'average.
' I didn't say average, I said you're a piece of shit.
There's a difference.
We're just on a break! A permanent break enforced by courts.
It's not my fault I had a dud lawyer! I presented a very strong case.
(Farts) And you wonder why you're still on the same salary! At least I've got a job.
At least I've got more ticks than you.
It's not a competition.
No, it's not a competition.
But if it was (.
.
I'd be winning.
) In conclusion, Mr Borkman, I'm overworked, underappreciated, and I demand a pay rise.
How does that sound? It's incredible.
He can't say no.
You're so courageous.
Thank you, Wednesday.
Is there anything else you'd like me to say to him for you? Yeah, tell him to stop bullying me in front of my colleagues.
Sammy J, Semi-Gay, you're fired.
What? Just kidding, cockhead! Oh, Wednesday! What are you doing here? Sammy wanted me to ask you for a pay rise.
Done! You're a superb secretary.
It was actually for me.
Oh.
How long have you worked here? A year? Six years.
Whoa, six years, huh? Wow, time flies.
And how many cases have you won? (Urinates) Sorry? How many victories can we chalk up to the extraordinary legal abilities of Sammy J? Zero.
Oh! OK.
Well, grab your little calculator.
Now, what's six times zero? Zero.
Great! There's your figure.
But don't let it get you down, you're very important to this firm, Michael.
Sammy? No, I was talking to Michael.
Thanks for the pay rise, Mr B! Hey, you earned it, Mikey boy! I've got some work I need to do.
Hold it.
What would you like for lunch? (Sighs) That's a piece of shit.
Oh, sorry, there's a ham-and-cheese focaccia in here somewhere.
(Slurps) (Blows) (Pops) Rough day? I don't want to talk about it.
Good! I don't want to hear about it.
(Triangle rings) What are you doing? Ticking boxes, Sammy.
Ticking boxes! What box was that? Musical instrument! What else have you ticked? Agriculture! And? And livestock! What else? Vehicle! (Strains) I was gonna tick 'vehicle.
' Looks like someone beat you to it! It's not a competition! Oh! Ooh, that looks nasty.
Here, have one of these.
Thank you, Randy.
No, thank YOU.
Now I can tick first aid! You bastard.
(Laughs) BOTH: Shoop, shoop, baby I'm a-ticking boxes Oop, woop, mama Won't you look at me? Doop, doop, daddy I'm a-ticking those boxes Tick a little box and make a man out of me I'm sayin' shoop, shoop, sugar, honey, ticking boxes Woo now, pretty kitty One, two, three Bam, bam, baby Gotta look at what the clock says And stick a little ticky in the box for me I'm singing, tick tock chicken tikka, lick my boxes Shipshape, little lady Out to sea Flip flop, ticky wicky Fluffy foxes Tick a little box Now set me free Tick a little box Just you and me Tick another box and make a man out of me.
Wednesday, I wanna get married.
You must think I'm crazy.
No, I think you're wonderful.
But I need you, Wednesday Yes.
to do some research What? and find me a mail-order bride.
(Rings doorbell) (Breathes and sniffs) (Sighs) What are you doing here? Look, before you say anything, I know I screwed up, but I've really been making some changes, and I'm a better man now.
I even bought a cactus.
You bought a cactus? I bought a cactus.
Oh, Randy Oh, my ex-wife Victoria Vincent SEXY SAXOPHONE (Screams) (Strains) Bah! (Sighs) Next.
Next.
Next.
Ew Next.
OK, this was a bad idea, let's go back to the women.
How hard can it be to find the perfect wife? Maybe you should look a little closer to home.
I asked the lady at the post office, but she wasn't into it.
Sammy, I don't think you're taking this seriously.
Marriage is a sacred union between two people who are destined to be together.
You're right, Wednesday.
Maybe the answer's been standing right in front of me this whole time in this box.
See you in the morning.
But what am I even looking for? Good question, um Cute, quirky, brown hair, glasses, receptionist.
I don't know, surprise me.
There we go, Gordon.
Yum-yum! (Chuckles) My ex-wife Victoria Vincent never let me get goldfish.
She said they repulsed her.
Maybe it's because you're a manic-depressive alcoholic.
Ease up.
Who couldn't keep his dick in his pants.
Back off, Gordon! And you owe Sammy J three months' rent.
OK.
You actually thought Gordon was talking to you? Little bit.
You really are a husk of a man.
Coming from the guy pretending to be a goldfish! A goldfish who knows how to tick boxes, baby! Sammy, you're not married.
(Doorbell rings) Aren't I? Wha Randy, I'd like to introduce you to Mrs J.
Are you Sammy J? Yes, I am.
I'm from wife agency.
Yes, you are.
I need you please first to sign here.
Yes, you do.
Well, now you can meet your wife.
What? (Car engine starts) Wednesday? Surprise! Are you my husband? Yes, he is! (Cat meows) So Smilte, tell us more about your bodybuilding career.
I once lift truck.
Like, a whole truck? Yeah.
That's quite a feat.
No, I used my hands.
(Laughs) Ugh.
Is this fur? And what about you, Zydrunas? What's your favourite subject at school? Discipline your son.
Oh, that's not good.
That's OK, Randy, I can do this.
Zydrunas, you know that's not appropriate behaviour at the dinner table.
(Spits) Ah! Apologise to your father.
Argh! (Smash!) Eyeball? Um, Sammy, may I see you behind the alpaca for a moment? So what's the plan, Sammy? Refund or exchange? I'm sure we can replace the plate.
I'm talking about Mrs Schwarzenegger and her fat son.
That's my fat son you're talking about, I'll thank you to show some respect.
You just ate a dead cat.
I have a family now.
You're gonna have to come to terms with What did you say? You just ate a dead cat.
(Pukes) Ugh My beautiful wife prepared a delicious meal.
Sammy, I don't think you've thought through the repercussions.
What repercussions? What happens when Zydrunas hits puberty? Hasn't he already hit puberty? I dunno, he's your son.
Smilte, how old is Zydrunas? Three and a half.
See? You've got years of fatherhood ahead of you.
And I'm looking forward to it.
I'll bring him to the ball game.
What ball game? You know, the ball game.
Yeah, which one specifically? The one with the ball and the grass and the 'Ooh, ahh, Glenn McGrath'? Basketball.
Basketball! So what about your wife? What about her? She'll snap you in half.
She won't snap me in half! Smilte, how did your last husband die? I snapped him in half.
Told you.
You're just jealous of my sweet, sweet nuptials.
Come on, Sammy, you've only been married for two-and-a-half hours! And I'm already better at it than you were.
Just admit it, you want out of this marriage and you need my help.
If anyone knows how to lose a wife, Randy, it's you.
We're just on a break! I want you out of the house and into the adjoining dwelling by midnight.
You can't kick me out! Family first, Randy.
Things are gonna be very different around here now that I have a wife, a son and an alpaca.
Three ticks for the price of one.
It's not a competition! Oh, no, it's not a competition.
But if it was I'd be winning.
(Triangle rings) (Sighs) (Doorbell buzzes) Can I help you? Uh Is Victoria Vincent home? Yeah, but she's a bit tied up right now.
Wink.
What can I do for you, tiger? Uh I was just here to tell her that I'm here to collect her census.
Oh! Why didn't you say so? (Laughs) Well, here you go, champ.
VICTORIA: Who is it, babe? Just some loser collecting the census.
No of fence, mate, but you're clearly a loser.
(Laughs) 'In a relationship'? My daddy was a fisherman and he was always wishin' I'd be working with him catching the shrimp Then he died like a jerk and I couldn't find work And now my ex-wife's screwing a gimp Back at university I overcame adversity By dreaming of a job and a wife But after graduation all my hopes and aspirations Got fisted by a thing called (Life.
) BOTH: Life got in the way It happens every day Like a wombat on a freeway Like your grandma on a date Life got in the way Like a Mormon knocking at your door Like a warlock guarding his cave Life got in the way Where else did he taser you? In the buttocks! Life got in the way You will be mine, you skinny, little bitch.
Life got in the way We're missing a goldfish.
Oh, not again.
Urgh! I was gonna be a big shot but got shot down Bah! Look what your son did! It's quite a good likeness.
He calls you weak.
Discipline your son! Zydrunas, a word.
As your father figure, I feel it's incumbent upon me to remind you that in this house, we show respect to the walls and fittings.
Let that be a lesson to you.
My son is right.
You pathetic little chicken man.
Intercourse - now! (Farts) I've made a horrible mistake.
Randy? Randy! Don't go! You can't stop me, Sammy.
My ex-wife Victoria Vincent's moved on, it's time I did too.
But we're Albury-Wodonga.
What? I'm Albury, you're Wodonga.
What are you talking about? If we're competing, we're nothing but mediocre border towns, but united, we make a perfectly acceptable school-holiday destination.
What are you saying? Randy, I complete you.
Don't you mean 'you complete me'? That's what I said.
No, you said, 'I complete you'.
You don't complete me! Albury's way better than Wodonga.
Oh, come on! Wodonga's got Harvey's Fish and Fun Park! Albury's got the Wonga Wetlands.
Kerry's got the census! Bad alpaca! Ugh.
Call it a draw? Only if you come home.
What happened to 'family first'? I was actually hoping you could help me get rid of them.
Well, if anyone knows how to lose a wife, Sammy, it's me.
(Both laugh, sigh) Come here, you big lug.
(Taser clicks) I win.
(Blows) (Chuckles) Come on, Kerry, let's get you home.
Come on, mate.
Come on.
Until you win a case, I'm moving you out of your office and into the stationery cupboard.
Urgh! What happened? This dangerous tree fell on me, now I need a lawyer to help me get it cut down.
This could be my case.
This time tomorrow, I'll be out of the cupboard and back in my office.
Sorry? For the sake of the planet, this tree must be saved.
EVERYONE: Save the yellow-headed cocksnap Stop that guy from cutting down the tree You're just doing this to impress your ex-wife Victoria Vincent! Do you think it'll work? Case closed, my skinny, little bitch.
EVERYONE: Huzzah! Captions by CSI Australia Pa-pa-da, pa-pa-da Pa-pa-da, pa-pa-da It's just me and you.