Sammy J & Randy in Ricketts Lane (2015) s01e02 Episode Script

Field of Dreams

1 Argh! (Randy screams) Sammy J, Semi-Gay, you're fired.
What? Just kidding, cockhead! Your ex-wife Victoria Vincent is a successful host of a top-rating current-affairs program What are you doing here? and you are a piece of shit.
That's a ham-and-cheese focaccia.
Surprise! Are you my husband? You just ate a dead cat.
(Pukes) How many cases have you won? Zero.
If anyone knows how to lose a wife, Randy, it's you.
I'm actually seeing her today.
Can I help you? Come here, you big lug! (Taser zaps) I win.
(Blows) Theme music BOTH: When your spirit's broken When hope is hard to find When everyone's on board the life train But you got left behind When lady luck has left you When the carcass of your dreams When the chips are down When you hit rock bottom Is swinging in the breeze It's just me and you There's a light on the porch and it's me with a torch Shining bright and true For me and you Pa-pa-da, pa-pa-da And we'll see each other through Pa-pa-da, pa-pa-da And I'll stand by you 'cause that's what friends should do That's what friends should do So in the absence of a more attractive offer It's just me and you.
RANDY: Here comes Victoria Vincent galloping down the home straight.
Look at those taut calf muscles glistening in the morning sun.
The rounded hindquarters, the flowing mane, those luscious lips.
She's like a magnificent, sexy, jogging magical unicorn! Who divorced me.
Oh, here comes the newspaper pick-up.
Superbly executed! And now for the main event.
Shower time.
Bow-chicka-wow-wow (Impersonates wah-wah guitar) No No, no, no, no! Stupid tree! Randy, what are you doing up there? Birdwatching.
Oh! Spotted anything? Just a yellow-headed cocksnap.
I've never heard of that species.
It's got a massive beak, scrawny legs and appalling hand-eye coordination.
Catch! I'm OK.
Hurry up, I'm gonna be late.
Alright, let's go! Thank you! What do I do? Hands at ten to two.
Mirrors.
Ignition.
THUMPING DANCE MUSIC Let's roll! Yo, Randy, wanna go for a ride? Got some sweet, hot wheels and a woofer inside my boot Subwoofer Subwoofer inside of my boot Subwoofer So jump in and ride with the J I'm gonna ride with the J Shift the gear stick into party mode and then we're away Get in! Today is made for cruising Gonna turn up the heat and you can feel our Subwoofer When we BOTH: Drop that beat, yeah Now we're driving Super-fast But slow it down when we go past The ladies want to hear our Subwoofer With my feet up on the dash Don't put your feet up on the dash I'm sorry Apology accepted Just don't do it again I won't do it again Subwoofer I see you checking us out We're in a 1980s Volvo with a Bootful of sound Break it down The wheels on the car go round and round Gonna run you down with a wall of sound This guy That guy on the prowl The ladies, they know we know how (Crash!) Ow! Whose car is that? Mr Borkman's.
So I'm guessing that's Mr Borkman.
G'day, champ.
OK, Randy, let's get our story straight.
I've just had a corneal implant and you're my optometrist.
Randy? Randy?! No excess? Nice! No, that'll be all.
Thanks, bitch.
All covered on insurance, no repercussions whatsoever.
(Gasps) That's a relief! I thought you were gonna punish me in some way.
Oh, come on, mate.
You know me better than that.
Put it there.
Argh! What is that? It's a staple! Do you know how much this firm spends on staples? No idea.
More than your salary.
You know what that means? I'm worth less to you than a year's supply of staples? Booya! So until you win a case, I'm moving you out of your office and into the stationery cupboard.
But I'm allergic to liquid paper.
Well, I'm allergic to dickheads, so get out of my office before I break out in a rash.
Auf wiedersehen.
Welcome back to Eye On Randy's Ex-Wife with your host, Randy! Well, folks, we've managed to find a gap in the tree here for a fantastic view of the lounge room.
Ooh, yeah, look at her squeeze those glutes just like she squeezed every last dollar out of me in the settlement.
Ooh! Good to see she's using the Princess Diana commemorative coffee mug I gave her for Christmas.
At the time, she called it a useless piece of tacky shit.
(Shouts) Well, who's drinking from it now?! Hmm.
Doesn't seem to be any evidence of her new boyfriend, which is good.
Huh! Well, that looks like a pair of edible underpants.
With a bite taken out of the crotch.
Spoke too soon there.
That image will haunt me till I die.
Which could be any minute now as I appear to be losing my footing! Argh! Arrrgh! Do you want some painkillers? What have you got? Um, paracetamol, ibuprofen, codeine, penicillin, morphine, antipsychotics, horse tranquiliser and a lozenge.
I'll take the lozenge.
Sure.
Open wide.
ROMANTIC MUSIC (Gags) Sorry, gag reflex.
Ah, if anyone needs me, I'll be in my office.
(Presses intercom) Wednesday? Yep? Would you mind swinging my door closed for me, please? Sure.
Thank you.
(Intercom beeps) Wednesday? Yep? I can't feel my legs.
What are you doing? Cutting down this tree.
Why? Because it's ruining the view.
Randy, this tree belongs to the council.
You can only cut it down if it's dangerous, and even then you need a lawyer to take it to court.
You're a lawyer.
You wouldn't know it if you saw my new office.
Borkman's moved me to the cupboard till I win a case.
I've got a case.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? I think so.
Ham-and-cheese focaccia.
(Sighs) Ooh! (Strains) Ugh! Ah! Ow! Ow! Oh! Randy, what happened? This dangerous tree fell on me and now I need a lawyer to help me get it cut down.
Well, I'd represent you but I'm far too busy looking for a case.
This could be your case.
Hang on.
This could be my case.
That's what I just said.
Think about it.
You need a lawyer and I need a case.
What's wrong with you?! Together we're gonna bring this tree down.
Oh, thank you! One case, one chance When the court's in session it'll be my time to dance My time to shine And I'll win that case of mine It's a very dangerous tree.
Ya! (Groans) What part of 'get me the council's tree policy' don't you understand? Oh, I'm sorry, Miss Nishitani.
(Speaks Japanese) Arigato.
Cup of tea? Thank you, Wednesday.
Milk? Just a tipple from the nipple.
From a cow's nipple.
A teat? Yeah.
'Nice and sweet from the teat.
' That's what I should have said.
Would you mind faxing this for me? Sorry, it's a bit It's a bit cramped in here.
I don't mind.
Thankfully this is only a temporary arrangement.
(Furniture moving) Where do you want the hot tub, Mr B? Stick it in Sammy J's old office and bolt it to the slab.
She's not going anywhere.
We'll see about that.
Wednesday? Mm? Your glasses are in my eyeball.
Sorry about that.
It's fine.
This was a great idea, Randy.
These kind of cases are 90% public opinion.
What's the other 10%? This guy.
Here's hoping for public opinion.
That's where your ex-wife, Victoria Vincent, comes in.
Welcome to Thumbs Down with Victoria Vincent.
I'm Victoria Vincent.
Today, I received some disturbing information from a lawyer named Sammy J.
How he got my personal fax number, I'll never know.
This guy! 'A dangerous tree on Ricketts Lane is posing a risk to all pedestrians and must be removed immediately.
' Must it? Let's talk about trees for a moment, shall we? Pros - oxygen, shade, a safe habitat for endangered species.
Cons - the occasional falling twig.
And yet this man wants to cut it down.
This man who, according to our research, has never even won a case, and instead of protecting a fragile ecosystem, he'd rather see this happen.
(Children scream) (Gunfire, explosions) (Screaming) For the sake of the planet, this tree must be saved.
That's why I'm giving Sammy J and his destructive hate campaign the thumbs down! (Gags) Coming up next, I'll be testing ambulance-response times This is a disaster! What are we gonna do, Randy? Randy? Save the tree! Save the tree! Save the tree! What are you doing? Saving the tree! Why?! You heard her.
There could be an endangered species up there.
Like what? Like the yellow-headed cocksnap! You're just doing this to impress your ex-wife Victoria Vincent! How dare you! Do you think it'll work? Randy, we're meant to be a team! Yeah, that was until you murdered a thylacine! That was an animation! Was it, Sammy? Was it really? But But you're supposed to be my star witness! Yeah, well, time to find another one 'cause once my ex-wife Victoria Vincent sees me saving this tree, I'll be eating edible underpants for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
Save the tree! Save the tree! Save the tree! and that's when the branch fell on me.
It punctured my spleen, shattered my pelvis and left me with irreparable psychological scars.
I'm afraid to leave the house and can no longer maintain an erection.
Excellent.
You keep practising and we'll nail this in court tomorrow, Wednesday.
I might just change this last No! Sorry, I'm allergic to liquid paper.
Really? Drank some in Year 8, woke up in Year 9.
Maybe we can do some more rehearsals over lunch.
No time, Wednesday.
I've got to practise my victory face.
How do I look? Perfect.
Just think, this time tomorrow I'll be out of the cupboard and back in my office.
Sorry? Yeah.
Once I win a case, you won't have to look at my face all day long.
I can't be a witness anymore.
Why not? I had a corneal implant and I've gotta go see my optometrist.
I'll just cancel the court case No! Wednesday, this is my one chance to get some respect around here.
People respect you.
BORKMAN: Hey, dickwad! You grab some tongs from the kitchen and get in here.
The filter's chock-full of pubes.
Randy, I need you to be my star witness again.
OK, I'll do it if you scratch my perineum.
Um Oh, come on! I've been here for hours! Yep, yep, yep, left, left, left.
Ahh That's the spot.
Oh, yeah.
Ah (Moans) Right, now let's unchain you and get to work.
Yeah, about that, um Traitor! Shh! You'll wake the babies.
What babies? The yellow-headed cocksnap's babies.
(Chirping) Can't we just move them to another tree? Sammy, the yellow-headed cocksnap is a fragile creature.
Any disturbance can kill them.
Says who? Says Sir Alistair Derrington-Scott, and he wrote the book on the yellow-headed cocksnap.
I wrote the book on backstabbers, and you're the main character.
Yeah, well, I read that book, and I hate to ruin the ending for you but your character gets rabies and the backstabber wins! Him and whose army? That one.
ALL: (Chanting) Save the cocksnap! Save the cocksnap! Hippies! How did you get hippies? I put an ad on Gumtree.
Save the cocksnap! Save the cocksnap! GENTLE GUITAR ROCK Save the cocksnap! Save the cocksnap! Well, I heard some talk 'Bout a bird that squawked In a tree on a street called Planet earth But a bird in the hand's worth more in a tree So gather round, people and sing it with me! We're singing Save the yellow-headed cocksnap Stop that guy from cutting down the tree We'll stand together Shake our yellow tail feathers Till our yellow feathered friend is flying free Randy, this is out of control.
I know.
How good's the chorrie? You don't care about nature.
Yes, I do.
You ate a dolphin.
It was delicious.
What happens when people realise this is a cheap ploy to impress your ex-wife, Victoria Vincent? Sorry, Sammy, I can't hear you over my rousing chorus! Everybody! Save the yellow-headed cocksnap He's a liar Let us be the wind beneath its wings This is bullshit! We will fight for the right And we're camping overnight Oh, no! Mother Nature's battle now begins.
The lentils are on me! Huzzah! Derrington-Scott You crafty bastard! To summarise, if it please the court, the council's defence is based on a lie, and for the record, I have never beheaded a Tasmanian tiger.
Sounds great.
(Screams) Wednesday! You're working late.
Just wanted to make sure you're all ready for court tomorrow.
Ready? I can't lose! It's time to put the final nail in the council's tombstone.
Coffin.
Not since you gave me that lozenge.
Cup of tea? That'd be great.
Milk? Just a bit from the tit.
One case, one chance When the court's in session it'll be my time to dance My time to shine And I'll win that case of mine Case closed, my skinny, little bitch.
(Kisses) JUDGE: Good morning, everybody.
Alright, what have we got first? Sammy J vs the Council.
Ooh, this'll be a goodie.
Alright, who wants to go first? Oh! And in conclusion, the earth's delicate ecosystem hangs by a thread.
And that thread, my friends, has a yellow head.
I rest my case.
Impressive! Very impressive.
Alright, let's hear from Sammy J.
Sammy J? You in the room? Come out, come out wherever you are.
OK.
Hands at ten to two.
Mirrors.
Ignition.
THUMPING DANCE MUSIC Let's roll! (Smashes) G'day, champ! So what are you doing tonight? I only ask because there's a double-feature at the Como and my wife passed away in June, and we had a subscription, so the ticket's paid for, if you know what I'm saying.
Sorry I'm late! Well, you lost.
The tree stays.
But you don't know the full story.
Tell someone who cares.
I'm Victoria Vincent, and I care.
Some say that I care too much, but I don't care.
Caring's what I do.
And thanks to me, this tree's in good care.
HIPPIES: Huzzah! But I couldn't have done it alone.
And courtesy of an anonymous fax, I've managed to secure an exclusive interview with This guy! Randy? Hello, Victoria Vincent.
You're looking lovely as always.
When did you become an environmentalist? I went through a pretty messy divorce last year, and now I'm doing everything I can to be a better man.
Right.
Well, perhaps you'd like to tell the viewers a little bit more about this threatened species? Certainly! Whilst the yellow-headed cocksnap is known in bird circles as a bit of a player, it always returns to the nest stronger and more virile.
Really? After watching his mate from afar, the unfaithful male will seize any opportunity to meet her face to face and beg her forgiveness.
Will he? And the female naturally welcomes him back with open wings.
How does the female know that he won't hurt her again? Because the male is capable of changing its plumage to a more faithful colour.
Says who? Says Sir Alistair Derrington-Scott.
And as everybody knows, he wrote the book on the yellow headed .
.
cocksnap.
Oh, Randy! And I've got a copy of it right here! Sammy, what are you doing? Papier Mache Birds.
Fun for the whole family by Sir Alistair Derrington-Scott! Sammy, no! You don't mean The yellow-headed cocksnap is a fake!(Crowd gasps) It's not an endangered species, it's just a shoddy combination of glue, newspaper and yellow paint.
Randy, is this true? I don't know what he's talking about.
(All gasp) HIPPIE: He wasn't even wearing chains! I can explain everything! Somebody get a chainsaw.
Please, you'll wake the babies! Get back! Thumbs down, Randy, thumbs down.
Argh! Well, viewers, we may have been fooled today, but at least the tree is still standing.
And that is one small victory for the power of non-violent protests.
HIPPIE: Let's tear him apart! Frame me out.
So according to Sir Alistair Derrington-Scott, glossy magazines work best for the plumage.
This'll look great in my stationery cupboard.
Oh, hey, Sammy, it's OK.
I'm sure you'll get your old office back one day.
Thanks, Randy.
And I'm sure you'll win back your ex-wife, Victoria Vincent.
(Both laugh) I'm a complete failure! I'm going to die alone! (Both laugh, sigh) Seriously though, you should stop spying on her.
It's OK, Sammy, I already threw away the binoculars.
Good for you.
If there's one thing we've learned from this whole sorry saga, it's that stalking never ends well.
(Breathy, scary music) I won a case He won a case I got my face in every What is it? Look! (Gasps) 'Leave the house and you die'? Convicted criminal Tommy O'Coghlan has escaped from prison.
Due to an unforeseen security breach, it is my solemn duty to confine you all to your respective quarters.
I can't die yet, Randy.
I haven't even finished my memoirs.
(Ding!) Where are you, you bastard? (Screams) Captions by CSI Australia Pa-pa-da, pa-pa-da It's just me and you.