Sammy J & Randy in Ricketts Lane (2015) s01e03 Episode Script

The Bodyguard

1 Until you win a case, I'm moving you out of your office and into the stationery cupboard.
Sorry.
It's a bit cramped in here.
I don't mind.
Welcome back to Eye On Randy's Ex-Wife.
No.
No, no, no, no, no! What are you doing? Cutting down this tree.
For the sake of the planet, this tree must be saved.
Save the tree! You're just doing this to impress your ex-wife, Victoria Vincent.
How dare you?! Crafty bastard! The yellow-headed cocksnap is a fake! (Everyone gasps) Thumbs down, Randy, thumbs down! Arrrgh! (Both laugh) I'm a complete failure! I'm going to die alone.
(Laughs) (Both sigh) When your spirit's broken When hope is hard to find When everyone's on board the life train But you got left behind When lady luck has left you When the carcass of your dreams When the chips are down When you hit rock bottom Is swinging in the breeze It's just me and you There's a light on the porch and it's me with a torch Shining bright and true For me and you Pa-pa-da, pa-pa-da And we'll see each other through Pa-pa-da, pa-pa-da And I'll stand by you 'cause that's what friends should do That's what friends should do So in the absence of a more attractive offer It's just me and you.
I won a case He won a case I got my face in every newspaper Put away a perpetrator for life They say crime doesn't pay Unless you're Sammy J That guy's awesome That's what they are saying on the street I wouldn't know, I haven't had a chance to meet him Because I am him and I am awesome So I guess they're right 'Cause this is what it's like at the top Look at the view No-one can stop me now I've been working hard to get what I got And now that I've got it I'm not gonna let it go.
Sammy, Time Magazine called.
They want you on the front cover.
Can you do an interview? I'll give them five minutes.
Mister J, it's the Prime Minister on line 2.
Tell him to piss off.
RANDY: Sammy? Sammy.
Sammy! Sorry, what were you saying? How much longer do we have to keep sharing baths? Until you pay your share of the water bill.
(Sighs) (Farting, water bubbles) Was that me or you? I just don't know anymore.
Before we go any further this evening, I'd like to send out a little personal shout-out to Kylie, who's 12 and lives in Broadmeadows.
Kylie sent me in this beautiful little garden gnome that she made in ceramic class What's wrong, Sammy? You've hardly touched your ham-and-cheese focaccia.
It's work, Randy.
No-one takes me seriously.
This morning I was doing a presentation with Mr Borkman and he spent the entire time gyrating to flamenco music with a mouthful of corn chips.
FLAMENCO That's just so humiliating.
If he'd told me it was taco Tuesday, I'd have worn a poncho.
What a jerk.
He doesn't listen to a word I say.
Bet he takes her to the opera and puts his hand on her leg! What? .
.
attitudes towards short-statured people highly offensive, and so that's why I'm Randy! I just wanna know who she's dating! I'm talking about my boss, not your ex-wife's new boyfriend.
Fine, let's talk about Borkman! Thank you! The only case he's assigned me is representing the urinal case in their fight against the lavatory.
I bet he waxes his arse.
Right! That's it! Your ex-wife, Victoria Vincent, divorced you.
It's ancient history.
You don't see my past coming back to haunt me.
This just in.
Convicted criminal Tommy O'Coghlan has escaped from prison.
My past has come back to haunt me! Police say he's armed, dangerous and hell-bent on revenge.
What's wrong? It was my first case.
He came in with an unpaid parking fine.
Should've got off with a warning.
I mean, sure, I was nervous, but I didn't think he'd get 17 years, no parole.
(Gavel slams) I'll bloody kill you, Sammy J! (Rages) He's coming for me, Randy! I haven't felt this helpless since I discovered the truth about Santa.
Well, it's just high-fructose corn syrup and sodium benzoate, isn't it? What? Ben-zo-ate.
I said 'Santa', not 'Fanta'.
Ah! I don't know what you're worried about, Sammy.
It's not like he knows where you live.
(Doorbell rings) (Both scream) Who is it? MAN: Police.
Sammy J? Yes.
Oh, thank God you're alive.
You owe me 20 bucks.
Randy? Susan.
Officers, there's a man out to get me! Yeah, mate, we're all over it.
Just stay inside, keep your doors locked and we'll catch him by the morning.
Really? Hope so.
Otherwise I've got to buy this bastard breakfast.
See, Sammy? Nothing to worry about.
But what if? Trust me.
All you have to do is hang around until they catch him.
(Distant barking) (Toilet flushes) (Rooster crows) (Toilet flushes) Oh OK, there's no need to panic, alright? But I think it's probably best if you just take the day off work and lie low until the police catch him.
Uh, I'm over here.
Uh (Laughs heartily) Sorry, it's a very good likeness.
I can't take the day off work, Randy.
Mr Borkman will kill me! Not if Tommy O'Coghlan kills you first.
(Phone rings) Borkman's Law.
Wednesday speaking.
Wednesday, it's Sammy.
Sammy! It's Thursday.
Wednesday? No, Thursday.
Toilet duty! Where are my urinal cakes? I can't piss without a target.
Mr Borkman, I'm I'm sick.
What's wrong? I've just come down with a bit of Bullshit! It's just that I'm Bullshit.
If you just let me finish Bull-shit.
I'm on my way.
Correct.
(Glass shatters) What was that? I can't come in! I've got scurvy.
Oh! Isn't that, like, pirate AIDS? Uh Are you a pirate? Got to go! Randy! (Pants) What is it? Look! (Gasps) 'Leave the house and you die'? He's gonna kill me.
Not on my watch.
What do you mean? If he wants a fight, he's gonna have to get through me first.
I promise you this, Sammy J, I won't take my eyes off you for a second! I'm over here.
(Laughs) I'm sorry, it really is a very good likeness.
What am I gonna do? Hey, just relax.
All I need is your trust All I know is I must be there for you In your hour of need You just listen to me We will see this nightmare through All I need is your friendship I give you my friendship All I need is your faith I've got faith in you So give me your hand And together we stand And to make this dream come true All I need is your credit card What? Need a little bit of cash flow to fund the operation But you can't put a price on the value of life I can't find my wallet What the fuck is a CCV? It's the last three digits on the back of the card They'll be here right away Randy, what did you pay for? Forget your troubles It's OK All I need is a signature What's that? It's a state-of-the-art surveillance system Now that it's here You can live without fear 'Cause from now on I'm not sure From here on But if you say so So henceforth no-one can get in.
Knock, knock.
(Both scream) How did you get in? Door was open.
Damn it! I brought you these to help with your pirate AIDS.
That's very kind, Wednesday, but you can't stay here, it's not safe.
It's just far too dangerous.
What do you mean? I think I'm gonna die.
Well, I'll stay and take care of you.
The only thing you can do is pray.
Goodbye, Wednesday.
SLOW, ROMANTIC MUSIC Right, I forgot to lock the door and I accept that, but what I won't accept is you being further endangered.
What are you saying? I'm calling a Code Purple.
Citizens of 30, Ricketts Lane.
Due to an unforeseen security breach, it is my solemn duty to confine you all to your respective quarters.
And would the owner of a blue Corolla, registration PKO 863, please move your car, as you are currently blocking the driveway.
Sorry, I was just about to move it.
How did you get back in?! Door was open.
Damn it! (Sighs) (Door creaks) Hey, champ.
Any news? Surveillance operation is in full swing.
Don't worry, Sammy, we'll catch the bastard.
Randy, if anything should happen to me Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
(Farts and sighs) Sorry, what were you saying? If anything should happen to me, I want you to have my Princess Diana commemorative oven mitt.
And? Uh, this photo of me.
Yuck.
What else? I don't really have anything else.
What about your poncho? I was hoping to be buried in my poncho.
No! What a waste! Well, I guess you could have it.
Yes! I get the poncho when he kills you! IF he kills me.
If.
I mean if.
I can't die yet, Randy.
I haven't even finished my memoirs.
(Ding!) Well, now's as good a time as any.
If anybody needs me, I'll be saving your life.
Chapter one - Womb With A View.
(Laughs) Very droll.
(Chokes) The Bork is out, off to give a dog a bone, and by 'dog' I mean my girlfriend and by 'bone' I mean my penis.
What's all this? I'm holding a white-light healing ceremony for Sammy J.
Is he dead? No.
Michael, I owe you 20 bucks.
Thanks, Mr B.
Care to wave some burning sage over the pentagram? Oh, you're wasting your time, love.
Men like Sammy J aren't built for survival.
In fact, he reminds me of a pet hamster I kept as a child, Norbert.
He was given to me by my wet nurse, a sickly creature, the runt of the litter.
But I cared for him as a mother would her premature baby.
Until the day he chewed a hole through my Andrew Gaze rookie card and I drowned him in the sink.
He was weak, you see, just like Sammy J.
Trust me, Wednesday, he'll be dead by morning.
You'll see.
Not on my watch.
(Sighs) Where are you, you bastard? (Indistinct voices on headphones) (Gasps) (Typewriter keys clack) Those three months working at El Guardo's Taco Shack were the happiest days of my life.
And when they fired me for mispronouncing 'kway-sadilla', they even let me keep my poncho.
The end.
How's it going? Finished.
Mm-hm, mm-hm.
Yeah, look, I'm gonna be honest, it's not really a page-turner.
Wait till you see chapter three.
(Clears throat) 'My rostered hours were drastically reduced after my nose bled into a vat of guacamole.
' It's pronounced 'gway-sa-mole'.
Sammy, this is the worst memoir I've ever read, and I've read Mein Kampf.
(Sighs) You're right, Randy.
30 years of age and what have I got to show for it? Feel free to say something nice.
I thought it was a rhetorical question.
No, no.
You can jump in there as a friend.
I don't know, uh Pfft! Gee You, er you Don't force it.
No, no.
I'll get something.
I'm sure I've got Um The moment's probably passed now.
Yeah, I've got nothing.
Well, I'm sick of waiting around to die, Randy.
If Tommy O'Coghlan wants a fight, I'll give him one.
I don't think that's a good idea No! It's time for me to do something memoir-worthy.
If that's the way you feel, I guess there's nothing I can do to stop you.
Thank you, Randy.
I appreciate your efforts but I'm going to fight my own fight.
Just give me a minute to disable the alarms.
(Sighs) Oh! (Door closes) (Clattering, alarm blares) (Randy screams) (Running footsteps, radio static) TOMMY, ON LOUDSPEAKER: I'll bloody kill you, Sammy J.
Seven years waiting for this day - the day I cut your dick off! Now you stay in that room while I sharpen my axe.
RANDY: Do what he says, Sammy! RANDY (Gruff voice): I'm gonna kill you good, and then I'm gonna kill your handsome little friend.
(Normal voice) Stay in your room, Sammy.
Whatever you do, don't come into my room.
(Gruff voice) Yeah, don't come in here, that'd ruin everything.
These cameras are all pointed at your ex-wife Victoria Vincent's house.
Oh, the wind must have blown them off-course.
You threw the brick? No, I'm putting in a chimney.
You made the effigy?! You have to admit, it was a very good likeness.
I thought I was gonna die! I would've told you the truth as soon as I figured out who her new boyfriend is.
That's it, give me my poncho.
What? You're out of my will.
No! No, no! You're a terrible bodyguard and a terrible friend.
My ex-wife Victoria Vincent Oh, move on, it's pathetic.
She hates you.
Does she? Well, listen to this.
MAN: Victoria, tell me more about your ex-husband.
VICTORIA: His name is Randy.
Sounds like a loser.
Actually, I really miss him.
I still think there's hope for us.
Ah-ha! Hah-ha-ha! Stick that in your arse and smoke it! Don't you mean pipe? You stick pipes up your arse? Pfft! You left that out of your memoir.
(Beeping) Toilet duty! (Phone rings) Wednesday speaking.
Wednesday, it's Sammy.
Sammy, you're alive! Yeah.
The lemons must have worked.
You didn't die in vain.
Wednesday, I need you to get me a copy of Sammy J's death certificate.
I reckon we can claim back his last two pay cheques.
I'm not dead.
Really? Well, you're either dead, late or fired? Which one is it? Late.
Get in here before you're one of the other two.
Yes, Mr Borkman.
I was so worried about you.
Don't worry, Wednesday, I was never in any real danger.
(Screams) MAN, ON TAPE: So, Victoria, tell me more about your ex-husband.
VICTORIA: His name is Randy.
Sounds like a loser.
Actually, I really miss him.
I still think there's hope for us.
Really? No.
Now whip out your substantially bigger penis and let's do it on my wedding album.
(Laughs) (Moans) There it is, there it is! Whoop, whoop! Help! Somebody help me! There's no point in running! Help! ON RADIO: Never mind that it's not perfect Nothing ever will be and I'm OK MALE RJ: Breaking news - escaped convict Tommy O'Coghlan has been sited in the vicinity of Ricketts Lane.
FEMALE RJ: I would so hate to be the person he is after.
Can you imagine? 'Please don't kill me! Please don't kill me!' (Laughter) 'Hey, don't kill me!' (Laughter) (Starts car engine) ROCK It's time to save your friend You've gotta turn that car around I've waited a long time for this moment.
There's a bad man in your house The day of reckoning has come.
So pull into the driveway now And save your friend.
Every night in my cell I practised my karate.
First I'd grab your hair.
Bang, bang, bang! And kick and bang! Then one night, I fell from the top bunk.
Gave myself a hernia.
And that's when I found Jesus, right there in my cell! Really? He forgave me.
So I forgive you.
Not only that, but I thank you, Sammy J, from the bottom of my heart, because if it wasn't for your gross incompetence, I'd still be living a life of sin, overstaying my welcome at countless car-parking spaces all across this great state.
S-So you don't want to cut my dick off? What? No, I I made this for you in prison.
Read the inscription.
Forgiveness conquers all.
Yaaah! Uh Randy Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
(Farts and sighs) (Laughs) And you said I was a terrible bodyguard.
Well, look who saved the day! Your old pal Randy.
(Chuckles) In a way.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Look, I'm sorry for misusing your credit card and orchestrating an elaborate ruse to make you think your life was in danger just so I could spy on my ex-wife Victoria Vincent.
Can you ever forgive me? Of course I can, Randy.
A wise man once taught me that forgiveness conquers all.
I'll bloody kill you, Sammy J! Not on my watch.
(Grumbles) Hey, Suze! Aren't you forgetting something? You got lucky.
(Chuckles) Oh, come on, I bet in your favour! Well, I'll consider that a down payment on the $2,000 $12,000.
$12,000, state-of-the-art Obsolete$12,000 obsolete fully refundable Non-refundable.
.
.
$12,000 obsolete, non-refundable surveillance system that you purchased on my credit card.
Yeah.
Hang on.
Aren't you supposed to be at work? Yeah, I'm gonna take the rest of the week off.
Really? Huh.
I'll rewrite my memoirs now I've finally got a story to tell.
How will you get around Borkman? I've got it covered.
25cm spaces between each urinal cake allows for adequate absorption with minimal splash back! If I wanted somebody to piss on me, I'd pay them.
It's not rocket surgery! Now hop to it, blondie! Oh, whoopie! Mate, too good.
I'm giving you a one-week trial.
By Friday, only one of you will have a job here.
What the hell was that? Nutcracker.
Argh! You're fired.
What? Getting comfy in the workplace! (Whistles) Getting comfy So you're actually going to propose? Mate, she's the kind of woman I could cheat on for the rest of my life.
Randy's going to be devastated.
(Laughter) Captions by CSI Australia Pa-pa-da, pa-pa-da Pa-pa-da, pa-pa-da It's just me and you.