Sammy J & Randy in Ricketts Lane (2015) s01e04 Episode Script

Waterworld

1 Where are you, you bastard? SAMMY J: Randy! I just want to know who she's dating! I'm talking about my boss, not your ex-wife's new boyfriend.
Fine, let's talk about Borkman.
Sammy J, Sammy Gay, you're fired.
What?! Just kidding, cockhead.
Hey, dickwad.
Grab some tongs from the kitchen and get in here.
The filter's chock-full of pubes.
I'm not dead.
Really? Well, you're either dead, late or fired.
Which one is it? Late.
Get in here before you're one of the other two! You're a terrible bodyguard and a terrible friend.
But my ex-wife, Victoria Vincent Oh, move on, it's pathetic! She hates you! Yeah, yeah, look, I'm sorry for misusing your credit card and orchestrating an elaborate ruse to make you think your life was in danger just so I could spy on my ex-wife, Victoria Vincent.
Can you ever forgive me? Of course I can, Randy.
Theme music BOTH: When your spirit's broken When hope is hard to find When everyone's on board the life train But you got left behind When Lady Luck has left you And when the carcass of your dreams When the chips are down When you hit rock bottom Is swinging in the breeze It's just me and you There's a light on the porch and it's me with a torch Shining bright and true For me and you Pa-pa-da, pa-pa-da And we'll see each other through Pa-pa-da, pa-pa-da And I'll stand by you 'cause that's what friends should do That's what friends should do So in the absence of a more attractive offer It's just me and you.
I don't want to hear excuses.
My shareholders certainly don't want to hear excuses.
Revenue is down, productivity has gone to hell and one of you useless maggots is gonna have to take some responsibility! (Sniggers) (Riotous laughter) Can you imagine having to put up with that crap every day? (Laughs) I don't want to hear excuses.
My shareholders certainly don't want to hear excuses.
Revenue is down, productivity has gone to hell and one of you useless maggots is gonna have to take some responsibility.
Well Achoo! Excellent! Sammy J's taking the blame.
Performance review in ten minutes.
Everyone else gets a pay rise for not sneezing.
ALL: Huzzah! I mean, you have to dip it in the tea before you take a bite.
MEGAN: Shit, shit.
You can't be eating it, then dipping it.
Doesn't make sense.
Shit! (Exhales and sniffs) (Clears throat) Shit.
Please, allow me.
(Clears throat) (Hammering) Thanks.
The name's Randy.
Megan.
Ah, Megan! Hmph! I haven't seen you around here before.
It's my first day.
Ah! I remember my first day.
Turned up wearing a suit.
(Laughs) 'Course, these days, they're lucky if I come in wearing pants! (Laughs) Ahem.
Listen I've been riding the dolercoaster for a few years now, so take it from me, when they ask for your employment references, just put down anyone.
They'll never follow it up.
The people that work here are deadshits.
Thanks for the tip-off.
Anytime.
(Inhales deeply and exhales) Next.
(Gulps) (Phone rings) Sammy J speaking.
Randy? No, he's never worked for me.
Who's telling you that? Oh, he's pulling your leg.
Don't believe a word of it.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got some important business to attend to.
BORKMAN: More tongue.
Oh, longer strokes.
Yeah, lick the rim.
Enough! Ugh! Based on this performance review, I'll have to re-advertise your position.
You're firing me? Well, not necessarily.
Depends on the quality of the applicants.
For example, if this pot plant applies, you might be in strife.
You'd give my job to the pot plant? Oh, of course not, mate.
It smells like human excrement! I can't smell anything.
You will.
(Hums Greensleeves) VICTORIA, ON TV: And a complimentary shuttle bus to and from the airport.
And that's why I'm giving the macro-economic policy of Trinidad and Tobago the thumbs down.
Coming up after the break, karaoke.
Fun with friends, or suburban sex trap? MAN, ON TV: Have you recently lost a loved one? (Door opens and creaks) (Door closes) The traitor returns.
What? I was on a sure thing with the welfare office until you ruined my elaborate ruse.
It wasn't very elaborate, Randy.
You didn't even tell me I was part of the ruse.
That was an oversight, I admit.
But you still should have had my back! I've got my own problems.
Borkman's re-advertised my position.
'The successful applicant must possess an honours degree in philosophy from a reputable European university, have an encyclopaedic knowledge of Kevin Costner films and intermediate ballet performance skills.
' What am I gonna do? Oh, you could always borrow my tutu.
Thanks, Randy, but I intend to win my job back with my dignity intact.
Uh what is that? Arrgh! Do you like my new dress? It it's lovely.
Never know, someone might ask me on a date one day.
Just as friends, nothing serious.
But who knows where it may lead? Dinner, movies, marriage.
It just requires the right person to ask the right question.
Wednesday, do you do you think we should? Yes? ROMANTIC MUSIC spiral bind my CV? You know, just for the wow factor? Don't worry, Sammy.
I never placed the ad.
What? Mr Borkman asked me to re-advertise your position, and I didn't do it.
Wednesday, I could kiss you! (Phone rings) Mr Borkman, I'm happy to accept the position in the absence of any other applicants.
NUTCRACKER SUITE (Claps) Superb! Just superb.
Sammy, wasn't that superb? Truly superb.
You know, you could learn a thing or two from Randy.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
I mean, look at his CV.
Full honours degree from the University of Prague, the ballet speaks for itself, and check this out.
Who played Jack Dolan in The Company Men? Kevin Costner.
Ooooh! And who played John Logan in Malibu Hot Summer? Oh, I believe it was Kevin Costner.
Whoo-pee! Mate, too good! I'm giving you a one-week trial.
By Friday, only one of you will have a job here.
But, Mr Borkman, I I I'm far more qualified.
Really? Who played Terence Mann in Field Of Dreams? Kevin Costner? (Clears throat) It was James Earl Jones.
Booya! (Laughs) It was James Earl Jo Aargh! Whoa! Hey! Easy on the tutu.
What the hell was that?! Nutcracker.
Oh! Ah! God, it's OK, Sammy.
I'll be gone by Friday.
What are you talking about? Ow! Ow! Oh! Look, I just need one week of genuine work experience to keep my welfare payment.
So? So Oohh! (Coughs) So I'll be your man on the inside.
Alright? I'll talk you up to Borkman, and then at the end of the week I'll quit, you'll get your job back and I'll keep my welfare payments! Oh! It's a flawless plan.
Fine.
Just don't get too comfortable.
I won't.
(Grunts) I promise.
(Strums) Gettin' comfy in the workplace Gonna settle in and make myself Randy! That's Borkman's lute! It was once played by George Harrison.
The Beatle? The cleaner.
He used to work here until Borkman fired him for playing his lute.
Ah.
(Gasps) Oh, my God, you've got a hot tub! Randy, that's Borkman's hot tub.
You can't go in there.
(Sighs) Oh.
Wow, look at this Randy, that's Borkman's water cooler.
You can't touch it! Oh, is there anything I can touch in here? Oh.
Can I open the fridge? No, read the sign.
That's Borkman's fridge.
Ah, what's the worst that could happen? (Alarm blares) Who opened my fridge? Well, who did it? It was Randy, Mr Borkman, sir.
I told him not to.
Is this true, Randy? Yes.
Didn't you read the sign? (Sighs) I did, yeah.
And you still opened it? Yes, Mr Borkman.
Well, take a look inside! This fridge has been here for three years, and Randy is the first person with the balls to open it.
We need more people like you.
If only these useless maggots could think outside the box, we'd get a lot more work done around here.
Mr Borkman, I can think outside the box.
Look, I'm drinking from your personal water cooler.
I'm a maverick.
How dare you! It won't stop flowing! (Sighs) Please, allow me.
(Thumping) Mate, is there anything you can't do? I can't wait to get into that hot tub! (Both laugh) (Sammy laughs uncomfortably) Oh I probably wouldn't eat that.
It's been in the fridge for three years.
(Water bubbles) Mate, I'm telling you, a hot tub is a guaranteed panty dropper.
I brought my girlfriend back here after our first date.
I flicked on the bubbles, and sealed the deal.
Right here? Right where you're sitting.
She still calls me 'The Mariner'.
As in Kevin Costner's character from Waterworld? Bingo! (Both laugh) Oh, mate.
She sounds like the one.
Oh, she's one of several, but what she doesn't know won't hurt her.
Oh, you sound like me before my wife caught me banging the babysitter.
Oh, you've got kids? No.
Nice! (Both laugh) Hey, let's talk about your salary.
Now, I'm thinking six figures.
What do you reckon? I reckon I could get comfortable in a place like this.
Sing it.
(Strums) Gettin' comfy in the workplace Gonna settle in and make myself at home Gettin' comfy in the workplace One day in but I have shown That I've got what it takes to take the cake Make no mistake that I am very comfortable round here.
(Cicadas chirp) (Slurps) (Car engine hums) (Whistling, door opens) (Whistles jolly tune) Aargh! The traitor returns.
Huh? What happened to being my man on the inside? Oh, relax.
I was just buttering him up.
We had a deal.
No, Sammy, we have a deal.
Like I said, I will resign on Friday, you will keep your job, I will be back on the dole.
It's a flawless plan.
Oh! Thank God.
Sorry, I've been sitting here thinking you were gonna doublecross me.
Why would I do that? Oh, you know, the whole ex-husband made good thing? What do you mean? Your ex-wife, Victoria Vincent would have been far more likely to take you back if you'd had a job as a high-powered lawyer.
But to your credit, you've put our friendship first.
You're fired.
What? You heard the man.
But we had a plan.
I lied.
That's my boy.
You bastards.
I've given my life to this firm.
Oh, come on, mate, you've only worked here for a fortnight.
Six years.
I've been here for six years.
Security.
MELANCHOLY GUITAR SOLO Sammy.
Wednesday.
I did what I could.
Don't blame yourself.
If you need anything, here's my number.
Wednesday? Yeah? You'll have to relax your grip.
I can't get my fingers out.
Oh, yeah, sorry.
I can't go Can you just loosen your fingers? Oh, well, I'm letting go.
No, you're not.
I'm still stuck.
Come on, let's not make this harder than it has to be.
OK, just one, two, three.
Goodbye, Wednesday.
(Both laugh) What, tonight? Table for two, ring for one.
So you're actually going to propose? Mate, she's the kind of woman I could cheat on for the rest of my life.
Oh, well, I can't wait to meet her.
Later, champ.
See you, dude.
BOTH: Oh! (Both chuckle) (Car engine rumbles) Victoria Vincent, my beautiful girlfriend, tonight we feast.
I love you, Borkman.
(Victoria moans) (Tyres squeal) Randy's gonna be devastated.
I'm gonna make a ham and cheese focaccia 'Cause I fired my best friend today Evening.
Oh! Sammy, look! Before you say anything It's OK, Randy, I understand.
Really? Hm.
You saw an opportunity to win back your ex-wife, Victoria Vincent, and you took it.
Yeah.
Like I said, she'd be really impressed with how you've turned your life around.
Yeah! If she wasn't dating Borkman! What? All those stories you've been trading in your precious hot tub.
You've been talking about the same woman.
But it can't be! Think about it.
She still calls me The Mariner.
Right where you're sitting.
She's the kind of woman I could cheat on for the rest of my life.
Her name's Victoria Vincent.
(Vomits) Booya! (Coughs) Take it! Take it! (Retches and coughs) It feels good, doesn't it? Make it stop.
(Retches) But he's going to propose! Serves you right.
No, no, no, we have to stop them! How are we going to do that, Randy? Dress me up as a woman, so I can seduce Borkman and convince him to re-employ me while you take the opportunity to win back your ex-wife, Victoria Vincent? It's a flawless plan.
I shocked myself.
Wednesday, Sammy.
Gotta be quick.
Dot points, here we go.
Expensive restaurant, eight o'clock, hot date, beautiful dress, make-up, pretty hair, get to my house as soon as you can.
You don't think she'll misinterpret that? Why would she? (Doorbell rings) (Grunts) Oh, Jesus.
That was quick.
I was just in the neighbourhood.
That dress is perfect.
Thank you.
You can take it off in the bedroom.
(Whispering) Thank you.
I'm shaking.
I know.
I can't believe we're actually doing this.
Oh, yeah (Chuckles) You have no idea how happy this makes me.
Yeah, it's like the Year 9 drama camp all over again.
Blonde or brunette? What's he doing here? I thought you were into this? Well, I am, but I thought it would just be the two of us.
He can't pull it off without me.
He's my man on the inside.
What's going on? Sammy, did you tell her the plan? Oops, my bad.
Wednesday, I need to borrow your dress for an elaborate ruse.
We'll be back in two hours.
Here's $20 for a pizza.
You know, I own a fleet of houseboats, moored at Yarrawonga.
I say one day we sail up the mighty Murray all the way to Albury-Wodonga.
What say you? Aye-aye, captain.
Hm! I said chilled, you cockhead.
It IS chilled.
Did he just answer back? I think he answered back.
Take the bottle, climb into the freezer and when you can no longer feel your ball sack, come back and pour me a glass.
You're so hot when you are unreasonable.
Really? Sexiest woman in the whole room.
(Piano plays) I see you sitting there next to your lady And I'm thinking maybe you'd prefer this 'Cause I can tell that you're hot for me, baby So mop up your gravy and give me a kiss Can you believe the service in this dump? Unbelievable.
(Chuckles) These walls have ears and eyes, my love To stop our sexy crimes Discretion is essential So, please read between the lines I want to bang you in the toilets Do you understand? I'm a single sexy lady And I'm looking for a man Who wants to bang me in the toilets Just gotta use the little boys' room.
How low can you go? Let's flush our inhibitions 'Cause no-one needs to know that we're banging in the toilets.
Bang, bang.
Hm, this is freezing! What did you do, put it in the freezer? I'm so sorry, Miss Vincent.
I don't know what you want.
She wants a 1972 Chateau Montreux Semillon Sauvignon Blanc chilled to precisely 12 degrees and poured from a height of 7.
3cm, you savage.
And I'll take a ham and cheese focaccia.
What are you doing here? There's something I have to tell you.
I love you, Sammy J.
(Deep voice) I love you too, Wednesday.
Tell me we'll always be together.
(Deep voice) We will always be together.
Tell me you want me.
I want you.
I want you too, baby! This better work.
Well, I've never had any complaints.
Oh, here comes the Borkie.
Trust me, he's a scumbag.
You don't even know him.
I know he's been unfaithful.
Why should I believe you? Because he tells me everything.
That's bullshit.
Really? Then perhaps we should go and ask The Mariner.
I don't love you.
That's a lie.
You know it's the truth, Wednesday.
What about our son? He'll understand one day.
Just tell me why? Because I have a rare sexual dysfunction whereby I can only become aroused by bosses who re-employ people they've just fired.
Oh, kinky.
Well, it just so happens I fired someone this morning.
What was his name? Sammy J.
What are you gonna do about it? I'll rehire him.
Shut up and kiss me! (Moaning) longer strokes, lick the rim.
(Gasps) Borkman! (Gasps) Sweet Jesus! Evening, Mr Borkman.
(Retches) (Pants) Victoria (Wheezes) .
.
will you marry me? Thumbs down, Borkman! Thumbs down! Oh, baby! Please don't go.
I never want to see you again! See you at work on Monday? If either of you show your face at Borkman's Law again, I will quite literally murder you to death.
Baby, come back, come back! The lady said you two would take care of this.
(Retches) To be fair, it is a very overpriced focaccia.
(Sammy vomits) (Crickets chirp) (Door closes) The traitor returns.
What? And I'm taking our baby with me.
Huh! (Door closes) BOTH: Hm.
So, run me through it again? (Sighs) Look, you put me down as your reference and I put you down as my reference, and if anybody calls, we've got each others' backs.
And it'll work because BOTH: Because the people that work here are deadshits.
Sounds like a flawless plan.
(Both sigh) Three weeks Three weeks Three weeks ago BOTH: That's when this shit begins Three weeks Three weeks Three weeks Of someone putting rubbish in our bin You bastard! It's time to stake out the trash! Strap yourself in, Tiny Dancer.
It's gonna be a long night.
What are you doing? Making strudel.
Randy, if your ex-wife, Victoria Vincent, didn't respond to your letter, I hardly think she's going to respond to a strudel.
If this ruins my strudel, I'll ruin your face.
Wilbur Wilde! I got your letter, Randy.
BOTH: Are you hiding something? I'm gonna kill you.
I'm actually gonna kill you.
Arrgh! Captions by CSI Australia It's just me and you.