Sammy J & Randy in Ricketts Lane (2015) s01e05 Episode Script

Dances with Wolves

1 Your ex-wife Victoria Vincent divorced you.
It's ancient history.
Oh, too soon? I'm actually seeing her today! Randy, what are you doing up there? (Grunts) I've been sitting here thinking you were gonna double-cross me.
Why would I do that? You've put our friendship first! You're fired.
What? It's not a competition! Ow! No, it's not a competition.
But if it was, I'd be winning.
Theme music BOTH: When your spirit's broken When hope is hard to find When everyone's on board the life train But you got left behind When lady luck has left you And when the carcass of your dreams When the chips are down When you hit rock bottom Is swinging in the breeze It's just me and you There's a light on the porch and it's me with a torch BOTH: Shining bright and true For me and you Pa-pa-da, pa-pa-da And we'll see each other through Pa-pa-da, pa-pa-da And I'll stand by you 'cause that's what friends should do That's what friends should do So in the absence of a more attractive offer It's just me and you.
(Whistles) No No Ooh.
Nah.
Hey.
Hey, don't do that.
You'll scuff the timber.
Do it on the fence.
(Grunts) OK, what's wrong? Three weeks! Three weeks and not one response! Randy, Wilbur Wilde is a very busy man.
He hasn't got time to respond to every bit of fan mail that comes his way.
No, not that letter.
The letter I wrote to my ex-wife, Victoria Vincent.
Your ex-wife, Victoria Vincent? My ex-wife, Victoria Vincent.
Oh, you didn't.
I gave her an ultimatum.
Take me back.
Or? No, that was it.
Take me back.
Randy, you've got to move on.
I mean, look at me.
When I got fired, did I wallow in self-pity? No.
The very next day, I put on a suit and went straight back to work.
And got forcibly removed from the premises.
Yeah.
They called the cops.
It was a misunderstanding.
You were carrying a bread knife.
And I was disarmed and they didn't press charges.
And now I'm normal again.
Yeah? So what's with the padlock? That's to stop the bin bandit.
Ah, not this again! Yep.
No-one's gonna get through that.
Sammy, you see what's happening here, don't you? You've failed as a lawyer so now you're attempting to regain some semblance of self-worth by exerting authority wherever you can.
I guess you're right.
I mean, who cares if someone's putting a little bit of extra rubbish in our bin? Not me.
I know.
So next time it happens, you've just got to turn around and say You bastard! And we've lost him.
OK OK, you got me again.
Congratulations! Clap, clap! Bravo! But this time next week I'll be waiting.
It's time to stake out the trash.
We're doing puns now, are we? Three weeks Three weeks Three weeks ago That's when this shit begins Three weeks Three weeks Of someone putting rubbish in our bin I found the first bag in the moonlight of a chilly winter's eve I was woken from my slumber by a piercing girly scream (Screams) There's a rubbish bag inside our bin (Screams) I know there is - I put it in No, Randy, not that bag Another bag on our bag In our bin On our bag There's a bag In our bin What's so bad about the bag on our bag in our bin? It's not our bag But it's our bin And someone's putting rubbish in So we're staking out the trash tonight to stop him in his tracks We haven't felt this furious since Hey Hey got the axe Vigilante justice is the dish that we'll be feeding To the bastard that's believing They can get away with leaving shit in our Bi-i-i-i-i-n Bin night Three weeks Too long tonight Gonna fight the fight tonight Bin night! (Electric guitar solo) Colonel J to Tiny Dancer.
This is Tiny Dancer.
Go ahead, Colonel J.
Please confirm coordinates.
Currently standing at Victor, Charlie, Tango, Delta, Goodrem.
Copy that.
Please confirm sector.
Sector one extends from Mrs Tuppens' house to the phone booth.
Roger Federer.
Sector two continues from the phone booth to the bus stop.
That's 80% of the street covered.
Strap yourself in, Tiny Dancer.
It's gonna be a long night.
Can we change my call sign? No.
I want to be the Colonel! You're the Tiny Dancer.
Yeah, but it's just that it doesn't accurately reflect my mad skills on the D-floor.
Hwah! Ah, ah, ah.
Ah, ah, ah.
Ew, yeah! Ooh, ooh, hey, take a photo of me.
Whoo! No! I can't waste the film.
Do you know how hard it is to find a roll of 1942 cellulose acetate panchromatic ISO 800 film stock? I had to have this smuggled in from Estonia.
Why didn't you just buy a new camera? Randy, this was my grandfather's camera.
It's got a long history of naming and shaming.
He used it to take photos of school children who urinated on his orchard.
Did he leave it for you when he died? No, when he went to prison.
But mark my words once I plaster a photo of the bin bandit all over the noticeboard at our local fish and chippery, I'll be the hero of the neighbourhood.
And you'll be proud to be standing right there beside me.
Tiny Dancer? (Clattering) What are you doing? Making strudel.
But I've got scroggin.
I'm sorry to hear that.
No, Randy, scroggin is a nutritious assortment of nuts, seeds and dried fruit.
Like I said, I'm sorry to hear that.
And anyway, this isn't for you.
Check it out.
ROMANTIC MUSIC Randy, if your ex-wife, Victoria Vincent, didn't respond to your letter, I hardly think she's going to respond to a strudel.
Ooh, this isn't just any old strudel, Sammy J.
EUROPEAN ACCORDION MUSIC I promised my ex-wife, Victoria Vincent, a romantic European getaway.
What I gave her was an excruciating eight-day sightseeing tour with a busload of obnoxious Americans.
By the time we hit Tuscany, she was out for blood.
(Inhales deeply) I planned a romantic dinner away from the group, but little did I know it was St Wiggin's Day and everything was closed.
Everything except for a tiny back-street strudel house.
Huh.
That strudel was the best thing either of us had ever tasted, and we made love right there on the counter.
That strudel saved our marriage, Sammy J.
And now it's gonna save it again.
What's in it? $400 worth of rare Tuscan apples sent direct from the chef himself.
How did you afford that? Ah, I've been doing some odd jobs for Mrs Tuppens next door.
Ah.
Eight hours at 40 degrees.
Slow-cooked to perfection.
Well, that's all well and good, but we've got a bin bandit to catch, and I can't have my deputy distracted by matters of the heart.
You don't understand, Sammy.
Apple strudel is like her kryptonite.
What, it kills her? No, it makes her happy.
Sorry, is kryptonite bad? It is if you're Spider-Man.
Ah.
I always thought it was Superman.
That's why I'm the Colonel and you're the Tiny Dancer.
'Cause I'm the brains of this operation.
Did you snip the snibby bit? Is snip locked or unlocked? That depends if it's been snipped.
Yeah, but can't it unsnip itself? Yes, if it's closed, but not if you pre-snip.
How do you pre-snip if it's closed? If you snipped the door in the first place, you wouldn't have that problem! I'll call the locksmith.
OPERATOR, ON PHONE: Address, please.
Number 30 Ricketts Lane.
Please hold.
Where are they? They're currently attending to other customers.
But my call is important to them, and the next available operator will be with me shortly.
If this ruins my strudel, I'll ruin your face.
Tiny Dancer, ten o'clock! Nah, it's quarter to 11.
My ten o'clock! Well, your watch must be slow.
There's an intruder at ten o'clock.
That was 45 minutes ago - we must've missed him.
Look! Evening, boys.
Nice night for it.
Nice night for what, Mrs Tuppens? Lamenting my hysterectomy.
If I were you, I'd keep on walking, Tuppens.
Now is not a good time to be out on the street.
You heard the man.
Old bat just cost me 80 bucks' worth of panchromatic ISO 800 film stock.
Get back on the phone! OPERATOR: Snibby Bit are one of Australia's leading security companies with branches in Albury and Wodonga.
Looking for a discount for your chess player? We can help What was that? Nothing.
Did you just open the bin? No.
Good.
Only I may open the bin.
Don't open the bin! Why not? No reason.
Why can't I open the bin? No reason.
BOTH: Are you hiding something? No! You are! You're hiding something from me.
Don't be stupid.
What would I be hiding in the bin? Nothing.
Fine.
Then I guess you won't mind if I No! Ha, ha, ha.
This is silly.
The idea of us each hiding something from one other in the rubbish bin absolutely beggars belief.
I don't even want to open the bin.
Me neither! Well, that settles that, then.
Let's just leave the bag in the bin and back away slowly.
BOTH: Like paint peeling off the wall of a dilapidated lighthouse In a coastal town With the salt water lapping And the sea breeze slapping on the south side Of the lighthouse But the owner didn't get a second coat He didn't think that he would need it Didn't believe it When the painter said salinity was high in the vicinity And it would soon peel off Now the paint's peeling off Just like erosion of trust in a friend It's peeling away I'd rather be caught in the salty spray 'Cause you can repaint brick but you can't repaint my heart La-la-la-la La-la You can repaint brick But you can't repaint the erosion of trust in a friend (Plays saxophone solo) Wilbur Wilde! I got your letter, Randy.
(Continues playing) 'Cause you can repaint brick But you can't replace the face of a friend with a frown on his face You can repaint brick, but you can't repaint my heart La-la-la-la La-la You can repaint brick But you can't repaint the erosion of trust in a friend.
SAMMY J, ON WALKIE-TALKIE: Colonel J to Tiny Dancer? This is Tiny Dancer.
Go ahead, Colonel J.
What are you hiding in the bin? Nice try.
Tiny Dancer to Colonel J.
Copy and paste.
Where's the locksmith? Let me check.
OPERATOR: You are currently 147th in the queue.
Not long now.
Get out of it! (Grunts) Ya! Ya! Ya! Ya! Yagh! Oh! Tell me what you're hiding from me, you skinny bastard! Never! We've got a job to do.
And if you can't concentrate, we might as well just give up now, smash a window and eat your strudel.
Great idea.
Randy, no! The landlord would kill you.
You are the landlord.
Exactly.
(Grunts) MRS TUPPENS: Ow! Sorry, Mrs Tuppens.
Go to bed! Right.
This bin is ruining our friendship.
Agreed? Agreed.
We need to ensure that no-one gets in here.
Not you.
Not me.
Not the bin bandit.
I'm listening.
Anyone who comes near the bin will set off the trip-wire, which will release the rope, drop the counterweight and whip them into the air Whip them into the air? Whip them into the air, where they'll be left dangling helplessly until I take their photograph.
Cool.
So what do we do now? One scoop of lemon and one scoop of lime, thanks.
I'll have peach and pistachio.
Are you sure you don't want mango? I always have pistachio.
Yeah, but there are myriad options.
I always thought it was 'myriad of'.
No, it's just 'myriad'.
Hm.
Can't you use either? Well, the error has become so ubiquitous that both are now acceptable.
We got him! Well, well, well.
The spider has caught himself a juicy blowfly.
Not so quick on your feet now, are you, huh? What have you got to say for yourself? Um Exercising your right to silence, are you? You disgust me.
I think he's dead.
Oh, God.
Didn't really whip him into the air, did it? I'll call an ambulance.
I'm still on hold! What's the hold music? Theme music from Ship To Shore.
Ha.
Classic.
(Sammy J hums Ship To Shore theme song) (Both hum) Hey! There's a dead man on the nature strip! Hey, keep your voice down! Shitty, shitty, shitty, I'm gonna go to jail! No-one's going to jail.
OK? Here.
Help me hoist him.
Actually, you open the bin.
You open the bin.
What? Yeah, open the bin.
Move it over here.
OK.
Ready? (Strains) Oh, God! Oh, God, is it? Lift him.
Get him in the bin! Get him in the bin! Yeah, I'm getting him in! I'm gonna drop him.
I don't want to touch him.
Got him? OK, lowering down.
Lower him down.
That's it.
Lower.
Oh, it's horrible.
Oh, it's horrible.
You got him? Yeah.
OK, now untie him.
Ooh OK! Right, stuff him in.
That's it.
He won't fit! Stuff him in the bin! He won't fit, Randy! Oh, here let me try.
Get out of it.
(Grunts and strains) You've gotta compact it.
Hurry, someone might see! Yep.
Ah! Ah.
That ought to do it.
Yep.
(Sighs) All's well that ends well.
Are you insane? We just killed a man.
We? It was your bloody booby trap! It was meant to go higher.
I didn't get to test it.
Look.
The rope goes here, person goes here, and when they set it off, it whips them into the air like this.
Good one, dickhead.
I'll get it down.
No.
I'll get it down.
(Alarm rings) Strudel! (Alarm stops) I'm sure we'll be able to salvage it.
It's no use.
There's nothing I can do to save it.
(Sobs) Just like I couldn't save my marriage.
(Sobs) You you were right, Sammy.
It's time for me to move on.
Hold me closer, Tiny Dancer.
(Sobs) SAD MUSIC Oh, dear.
Um If that bag opens Ignore what comes out.
I won't look if you don't look.
We have a deal.
Don't look.
I didn't look! Agh! Hold my gaze.
I can't do it, Colonel J! Stay strong, Tiny Dancer! It's too much.
Just keep looking at my face.
I wanna go home! This madness will be over soon! No! Just keep looking at my face! Look at my face! Agh! Look at my face! I'm looking! Look at my face! Look at my face! Aargh! TENSE STRINGS MUSIC Don't look at my face.
Why'd you do it? I didn't want you to get hurt! Aw! You bastard! You ruined my life! Wagh! You did a pretty good job of that yourself! I was just trying to fix it.
I didn't ask you to fix it! Oh! Agh! (Both grunt) Ohh! Oh! Ow! (Both grunt) Oh! This is my 1942 cellulose acetate panchromatic ISO 800 film stock! Oh I don't know how that got in there.
You threw it out! Um I'm gonna kill you.
I'm actually gonna kill you.
I can explain Aghhh! Agh! I think you broke my nose! Call someone who cares.
OPERATOR: Snibby Bit Security.
Can I help you? Oh I need a locksmith.
At 30 Ricketts Lane? Yeah.
We sent one hours ago.
What? Let me try his portable.
(Mobile phone rings) (Phone continues ringing) What are you doing? (Clears throat) (Deep voice) Hello? OPERATOR: Gary? Yeah, yeah, this is Gary.
Um, look, uh, sorry I never went to that job at Ricketts Lane, but, um I've, uh, quit locksmithery and I've moved to Papua New Guinea.
Gary, what about the kids? Oh Oh, the kids will be fine.
Kids'll be fine.
You just you just tell them that Gary loves them very much and he's had to go away.
Forever.
But, Gary, what about us? Uh I never loved you! Gary, I don't (Hangs up) He was just a typical honest tradie.
Turned up on time.
Ever professional.
Just trying to earn a decent living.
(Gary groans) Where am I? You're alive! It was Sammy's idea! Please don't press charges! I can't go back to jail! What are you talking about? Don't you remember what happened? Well, I remember getting a call out and turning up.
And then I went blank.
Oh, typical bloody tradie! Turns up late.
Probably been drinking.
Passes out in our bin.
Bloody unbelievable! I've a good mind to report you.
Please, no, look.
I'll do the job for free.
I should think so! Be quick about it! All's well that ends well? (Alarm rings) Strudel! Aarghh! He was a good strudel.
A tasty, flavoursome strudel, apple twixt pastry.
He never stood a chance.
Though we all know in our hearts he would have been delicious.
Ashes to ashes, crust to crust.
Amen.
Only the good pie young.
OK.
If you speak to his family, cinnamon my regards.
Shut up now.
Randy, I'm sorry I threw out your ex-wife Victoria Vincent's letter.
So you should be.
I was just trying to protect you.
Sammy, I don't need you to protect me.
I need you to be honest with me.
Honesty is the cornerstone of a good friendship.
Just on that, why exactly did you throw out my film? Honestly? Mm.
I didn't want you to take a photo of Mrs Tuppens.
Why on earth would I want to take a photo of? Mrs Tuppens! Hello, boys! Thank you so much for that extra bin space, Randy.
Honestly, I don't know what I'd do without our little arrangement.
No problems, Mrs T.
Righto, then, see you next week.
No! No! No! Honesty is the cornerstone of a good friendship! Did you snip the snibby bit? I'll call the locksmith.
(Sighs) Trying to get your job back by shafting your best mate, eh? I didn't think you had it in you.
No, that's Randy's folder.
I can't prosecute my best friend.
You will if you want your job back.
A choice Inside my head I hear a voice The future is unclear My heart goes boom, boom, choose your friend But that could be the end of my career Moral dilemma This friendship is officially over! What? Oh, I only moved in here 'cause it's two blocks from the home of my ex-wife, Victoria Vincent.
I just need you to give me one more chance.
Get on the ground! Huh? Ow! Objection! Shut up! Anyone else want to leap to this poor bastard's defence? SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC Captions by CSI Australia Theme music Pa-pa-da, pa-pa-da It's just me and you.