Santa Clarita Diet (2017) s03e01 Episode Script

Wuffenloaf

1 [INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING] [CHAIN CLINKING] [MUSIC INTENSIFIES] [DOOR OPENS] [MAN SPEAKS IN SERBIAN] Please.
I'm just a farmer.
I have done nothing.
[SERBIAN] Is he well restrained? [SERBIAN] Yes, Colonel.
Did you double check? Yes, Colonel.
I've been searching for you for so long.
You look so human.
Please I have a family.
Then we have something in common.
The only difference is you'll never see yours again.
[LAUGHS] Did you clean these? I'm kidding.
[CHUCKLES] I beg you.
Don't hurt me.
We both know you can't be hurt.
What happens now? What are you going to do to me? No blood.
I found one! I'm not a monster.
Please don't kill me.
I wouldn't dream of killing you.
We're going to spend years in this lab together.
[SUSPENSE MUSIC PLAYING] [GASPS] Vlado? Yes, Colonel? You didn't check the restraints, did you? I could check them now.
[TELEPHONE RINGS] [OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING] [TELEPHONE RINGS] Yes? I know.
I wanted to kill Vlado weeks ago.
[GULPS] Different Vlado.
But But I'll find another undead.
Transfer? You don't need to transfer I understand.
[HANGS UP PHONE] Where the fuck is Santa Clarita? ["OUR HOUSE" PLAYING] Our house in the Middle of our street Our house, in the middle of our Our house, it has a crowd There's always something happening And it's usually quite loud Our mum she's so house-proud Nothing ever slows her down And a mess is not allowed Our house in the Middle of our street Our house in the Middle of our street Our house in the Middle of our street Our house, in the middle of our Good morning, Mr.
Ball Legs.
Sorry we almost left town without you yesterday.
Things got a little crazy and we completely forgot.
Don't look at me that way.
I got you a present.
It's a spider with a top hat.
The Broadway version of you.
[SOFTLY KNOCKS ON GLASS] What's going on, Mr.
Ball Legs? You barely touched your earlobes.
Aren't you hungry? [SIGHS] I'm starving.
So, you drove Gary's head out into the desert and didn't kill him? Yeah, all good.
He's back in the basement.
Okay, and now Anne thinks Mom is a God? Not exactly.
She believes your mother was chosen by God to do his work on Earth by killing evil doers.
And then eating them.
She doesn't know about that part.
Anyway we just wanted to loop you in, in case it comes up.
Oh, so we're looping Abby in now? Because when you guys were going on the run and ditching me in Phoenix with Aunt Cathy, looping me in about my whole goddamn future didn't seem like a priority.
You still mad about that? It was yesterday! The important thing is we didn't ditch you.
You're welcome.
And no one's on the run.
Things are good.
Life's getting back to normal.
Ramona's mutant spider ball is sick and the Nazi meat rotted.
You're the one who wanted to keep living with us.
I just feel bad for Mr.
Ball Legs.
He stopped eating.
It eats? I think that's what he's doing.
He just sort of scoots back over the food and then it's gone.
Also since I emptied out our freezer when we went out on the run I'm out of food.
Well, just run down to the market and kill somebody.
We'll figure this out.
Look how bad things seemed for us yesterday.
We were about to lose everything.
Today, we just have to kill a Nazi.
And, lucky for us now there are more of them than ever.
Everything is going to be just fine.
[LOUD NOISE] [SUSPENSE MUSIC] Why do you have to say things like that? There's no one there.
Who are the Knights? I have no idea.
Fuck me.
According to Google Translate this says there was a group of medieval men called the Knights of Serbia, who were tasked with killing the undead.
Of course they were all men.
Yes.
If we could just go back in time and channelize that gender's hostility to anything different I'm just saying.
Do you think that there are modern-day Knights? I don't know.
If their duty is to stop the virus from spreading they may be the ones that blew up Ruby's clam farm.
And they may also be looking for me.
[STOMACH GROWLING] - Is your stomach growling? - I'm hungry.
Okay.
You track down another Nazi.
I need to find out if this Knights of Serbia thing is real.
And see who put this knife in our door because that's curious.
Yeah.
Oh! I invited Anne over later to talk about our miracle in the desert.
I could ask for her help.
I think we should limit Anne in our lives.
If she realizes that we're killing people for food and not for God she might not like us anymore.
On the other hand, the Bible says, "If God giveth you a minion, use her.
" It also says, "Please, baby, don't involve Anne.
You're gonna get us all killed.
" You know what would be funny? Is if misquoting the Bible was the thing we went to hell for.
[CHUCKLES] Hey, dude.
Brought the night vision goggles.
Put it back in your mom's closet.
We'll do it later.
She's still home.
Have you seen this? It's everywhere.
It says the fracking company is pausing their operation until they find out more about what happened.
That's so cool.
It's pretty fucking cool.
We did that.
- What? - Nothing.
Just nice to see you this happy.
- Aren't you happy? - I'm very happy.
Last night was amazing.
You were amazing.
Oh, shucks.
So were you.
Were you scared? A little.
The whole thing was perfect and you are a fucking master.
Please.
I mean, you did more than your share of the work.
I didn't know something could explode like that.
Was it too much? It was too much.
It nearly knocked me out of my shoes.
You said go big.
Oh, my God! You guys did it.
- What? - I just heard you.
You had sex! Oh! Oh, I feel like you maybe misinterpreted.
Then what were you talking about? Okay.
- You caught us.
We had sex.
- It was lovely and I am proud.
Really? It went well? You're kidding me? This guy Look out.
I won't be denied.
Unless my partner puts out any signal that this is not what she wants and then I will absolutely stop and call an Uber or another ride-sharing app that treats women better.
I am so excited! [CHUCKLES] Oh, my little baby.
My little baby boy.
And you take care of her needs, right? Otherwise, you're just a monkey in a jungle.
We're a family without boundaries.
How cool is that? It's all so incredible.
Why do you think God chose you to do His work? I don't know.
I mean, he's a great guy, but not much of an explainer.
How's the fruit salad? It's good, thank you.
Anne, you have to stop testing me.
I'm sorry.
You scratched the table.
That was there before.
No, it wasn't.
I know.
I'm sorry I doubted you.
And I lied about the table.
No wonder God didn't choose me - to do His work.
- Don't be like that.
He loves you.
Just don't fuck with Him.
You didn't say anything to Lisa, right? - No, I swear.
- Good.
Don't tell anybody.
But I want to spread the word! You rose from the dead.
You can grant eternal life.
People should know.
I disagree.
People get weird.
You only found out last night and you've already shot me twice and stabbed me with a fork.
Well can I at least help you do His work? I've always wanted to serve God in a bigger way and now through you, I can.
No, thank you.
Sheila, please don't turn me away.
Well, there is one tiny thing you could do.
I'm trying to smite this Nazi.
- Could you get his address? - Done.
And a fingerprint off this knife, with no questions asked? - Okay.
- And while you're out we could use some dish soap and string cheese.
I have a list.
Whatever you need.
Sheila You may not know why this happened but it happened for a reason.
- You think so? - I'm sure of it.
You have a greater purpose.
You just don't know what it is yet.
But one day, you will.
So, Janko, tell me this.
Would you rather have all your teeth taken out or keep them all but file them into points? - Points.
- I agree.
Would you rather be attacked by two 15-year-olds or 15 two-year-olds? Hello.
I'm Roy Eastman.
One moment.
And the two-year-olds have a dog.
Dog for me is a non-issue because I'm good with the dogs.
Although it may make the two-year-olds braver.
Janko.
Vlado.
Can't you see a man has walked in? [GRUNTS] How may I help you? Yes.
I'm a medieval scholar at the local university.
Recently, I've been made aware of an ancient order that may still exist called "The Knights of Serbia.
" We know of no such thing.
I believe they were formed hundreds of years ago after an outbreak of a deadly virus in the town of Pozica.
Have any of you heard of Pozica? - No.
- I don't know.
[CLEARS THROAT] No.
My name is Dobrivoje Poplovic.
I'm sorry, I didn't get your name.
Roy.
Roy - Kodak? - I thought you said the Roy Eastman? Yeah.
Roy Eastman Kodak.
Well, over the years people with wild imaginations have made up stories about our country.
Fantasies about outbreaks, viruses, people going mad, killing each other.
I can assure you, these things have never happened.
There are no Knights of Serbia.
And if this Pozica exists, it's a town of no significance.
Now if you'll excuse us, this week is the Guca Trumpet Festival, so we're all very busy.
I didn't realize Guca was this week.
I'm kidding, I've never heard of it.
[CHUCKLES] Okay.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Did any of you put a knife in my door this morning? Of course not.
Trumpet Festival is time of peace.
A clam farm is blown up someone was looking for Serbian bile and now this man comes in.
- I don't think he was medieval scholar.
- No.
You don't lock a face like that up in a library.
Perhaps there is an undead subject in Santa Clarita.
And if so, we need to find it before those meddlesome Knights of Serbia kill it.
I need it alive.
And I need to find out more about this Roy Eastman Kodak.
Those people at the Consulate? They're obviously hiding something.
That Poplovic guy? He's like a hotel bellman you find out has been dead for 200 years Jogger.
I wish we could have lured this Nazi to the kill room, like we did with Boone.
I told you.
He said his schedule was too tight this week.
I can't believe he's that busy.
I was surprised too, and then I thought if we also stereotype people by assuming Nazis are always available, are we that much better than them? Yes.
It's just We bought all the plastic, we're renting the unit.
It's such a waste if we're not going to use it.
Do you ever wonder why this happened to me? Just to close out my thing maybe we should cancel Showtime and switch to a cheaper toilet paper.
Now, what were you saying? I was talking to Anne this morning, and full disclosure, she helped me track down this Nazi gentleman.
I thought you tracked him down.
I did.
By asking her to do it.
She's also gonna help us get a print off that knife.
Honey, I thought we agreed you weren't going to ask for Anne's help.
Well, it was really important to her and she could be useful.
She's a smart cop.
She caught us.
The more we bring another person into our lives the more dangerous our lives are going to get.
Or maybe she could bring clarity to our lives.
She thinks that God has a higher purpose for me.
I don't think anything good will come from you believing you're a gift from God.
That came out wrong.
You, my love, are a gift from I know.
And so are you, and everyone else.
I'm not saying I'm more special than anyone else, or doing God's work, but maybe, my life does have a greater purpose.
Something more than just killing people.
Oh, my God.
He's muscular.
He's like a walking protein shake.
I'm complicated.
I wanna be about more than just eating people but I also really enjoy eating people.
Fuck.
And what if Anne becomes disgruntled and turns on us? Or, going the other way, starts baptizing believers into the Church of Sheila? [KNOCKS ON THE DOOR] Not bad for a girl from the valley.
- Hi! - Hi! - Larry Tragger? - Yeah.
We're Jenny and Charles Darwin.
We spoke on the phone about the German memorabilia? Oh, The Nazi People! The Nazi People.
That's the name of our company.
Come on in, Darwins.
Because these items are so valuable, before we take them out our insurance company requires us to ask Is there anybody else home? - Just me.
- Excellent.
Do you have any rooms with a linoleum or tile floor? - Why? - Oh, we have some very valuable things and we don't want them to get lost in your carpet.
- Seems a little paranoid.
- Look, Larry We've got a Reichsluftschutzbund first pattern droop wing buckle and an SS-sponsored Grenadier Regiment Drei Deutschland officer's cuff title.
We're not gonna fuck around with your unworkable carpet.
Okay.
I wanted to put linoleum in my kitchen but my Indian landlord wouldn't pay for it.
Those people are the Jews of Southeast Asia.
And let me tell you something else about the Jews - We'll just do it here.
- Great.
Lay it all out.
I gotta use the powder room.
Okay.
Oh, my God! I am so hot for you right now.
The way you took command with that flawless German.
Where did you learn that? I figured if we were gonna be running with Nazis, I should do some homework.
See? We don't need Anne.
You and me, we're the team.
We got this.
[INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING] It's me.
They're here.
The people who killed Boone, dumbass.
You guys get to my house, I'll make sure they don't leave.
I love night vision goggles.
They take the guesswork out of crime.
Do you remember where they go? We should put them back exactly the same.
- I don't remember.
- Shit.
But I did take a picture.
Genius.
Damn.
That's it.
Done.
Can it really be this easy to get away with blowing shit up? I sort of hope not.
I mean, better for us, but not cool, generally.
Oh! Hey, guys.
- What are you doing? - We're just looking for you.
Oh, what's up? Nothing.
What is up with you? Nothing.
Lisa said you two were out in the desert pretty late last night.
So you guys are together now? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
[GASPS] [SCOFFS] You see anything odd out there? - No.
Did you? - No.
Did you? - No.
Did you? - Yeah.
There was a huge explosion.
And a fireball.
Lit up the whole sky.
Was there, really? Wow.
Yeah, we are just pretty focused on each other.
Isn't that right, Abby? Yeah, our faces were like this.
[PIANO MUSIC PLAYING] - So we didn't see a whole lot.
- No.
I was just focused on you Sweet Stuff.
And I, you Buttercup.
It's new.
We don't have fun pet names for each other yet.
I'm gonna go.
I'll see you both later.
Ah, loud.
Love it, though.
I'm also going to leave.
Okay.
Okay, let's get him on the tarp.
Boom bam bing, and I'll be banging you before Fallon.
We are a good team and I'm gonna bang you before and after Fallon.
Alright.
What do you got? Oh, lots of good stuff.
Come on over here and take a look.
I'm fine where I am.
The light's better over here.
I can see.
You like power bars? That's for you.
I'm not getting on your fucking tarp.
In fact, we're all going to stay right where we are.
Whoa Larry! Some of my buddies have gone missing.
A.
J.
, Boone, Kevin.
You know anything about that? - Larry, put the gun down.
- Or at least point it at me.
It's very sexist that you're only pointing it at Roy.
No, that was this morning.
Fuck me.
My buddies are on their way over.
We're gonna drive you out to the desert, torture you, and then make you look at each other while we shoot you in the head.
Please, don't sugar coat it.
Stay right where you are.
I'm getting hysterical and I need to be next to Roy.
No, it's not Roy.
Honey, why don't you just go lie down behind the couch? - Oh, man.
It will be so embarrassing.
- No whispering.
If he shoots you, you'll die.
If he shoots me, I'm fine.
Such a weak move.
[SIGHS] What are you doing? Get back here.
Hey! Oh, shut up.
You think I like this? What the fuck? Get out from there! And you stop right where you are.
I will shoot you, I swear.
My husband's not looking and you have such a strong physique.
Let's party.
Do you mind if I lick your gun so that I can demonstrate an unhealthy male fantasy of a sexually dangerous woman? What? [SCREAMING] [SCREAMING] Honey, we gotta get out of here before his friends show [KNOCKING ON DOOR] Larry! Larry! You boys go around back.
- I love avocado.
- It's my favorite sandwich topping.
- It's so goddamn buttery.
- You bet.
- I feel like we're on first date.
- I know.
What's happening? We're getting awkward with each other.
- I don't want that.
- Me neither.
Faking a physical relationship - It's so weird.
- So weird.
It's just hard to pretend that I'm into it That I'm not into it.
Did it just get more awkward? Should I take my sandwich to go? Okay, listen.
You know I really care about you, right? Like, more than anyone.
Now it sounds like we're breaking up.
- I know! - Why don't we pretend to just be like one of those couples that doesn't do public displays of affection? Sure.
We like each other.
We just don't feel the need to touch all the time.
Yeah.
Hey, lovebirds.
Just dropping off a couple of things for our Sheila.
She thinks my mom's a God.
I'll explain later.
- Cool.
- So, Anne You asked us about last night, but we didn't ask you.
Does the Sheriff's Department have any theories? About what took you two so long to finally hook up? But no, our investigation into the fracking site is already over.
Really? So soon.
- Yep.
- So they Or it could be just one person.
I don't know, I wasn't there - Just get away with it? - Oh, no.
They won't get away with it.
It's been labeled as eco-terrorism.
So that means the FBI's coming in.
The FBI? Oh, yeah, they have unlimited resources and they take terrorism very seriously.
Trust me, the FBI is going to find who did this and they're going to send them away for a long time.
Look at you two, holding hands.
You guys are so sweet.
Hey, open the door! Hey, asshole! Open the door! There's three at the back door and two on the side.
- What's should - Call Anne! Call Anne! I don't know, honey.
You made such a compelling argument.
Maybe we shouldn't involve her in our thing.
Our thing is gonna be watching each other get shot in the head.
Call her! But what if one day she becomes disgruntled and turns on us? - I'll take the chance.
- But years from now, she could be a problem.
Better play it safe.
What are you do The cops are here, man! Let's go! Oh, you were fucking with me.
Well played.
I texted her 20 minutes ago.
I knew you'd come around.
So I guess Anne is going to be your disciple.
She can scare off bad guys and help you find your purpose while I'm hiding behind furniture.
It's not gonna be like that.
And this purpose thing is just something I'm thinking about.
- I don't even know if it's real.
- Sweetheart.
If you want to search for more meaning in your life, you should.
And maybe your purpose will be amazing and wonderful and maybe it will include me and maybe it won't.
Oh, honey, is that what you think? Well, maybe it won't.
But who knows? Maybe this did happen for a reason.
And I don't want to discourage you from looking for that reason because I'm afraid of getting left behind.
There is nothing more than us.
And I'm never leaving you anywhere.
You are my wuffenloaf which is a German word I just made up for "wonderful, irreplaceable husband.
" It's Anne! Are you guys alright? Let's get her out of here quick so we can take this gentleman to our freezer.
He's at least two weeks' worth of food.
And I don't care that he used it for hate speech tonight, I'm treating myself to his tongue.
Wow.
That is some Old Testament shit right there.
There's a lot of passion when you're working for you-know-who.
Well, Larry Tragger was a bad dude.
Long history of violence.
I can understand why the Lord would want you to Where's his hand? I'm sure it's somewhere around here Anyway, thanks, Anne.
If you can make sure the coast is clear, we'll throw him in our car and be on our way.
Oh, it's okay, I'll take him.
- What? - No way! Well, yes.
I'll run to the desert tonight and I'll burn the body.
It's no problem.
You don't have to do that.
- We'll take him.
- No, guys! The Lord brought me to you for a reason, okay? I'm in law enforcement.
I'm gonna be much better at covering up stuff like this.
- We'll take him.
- No, it's okay, I got it.
Please.
This one's on us.
Is there a reason you don't want me to take the body? Hard to think of one.
It's a tremendous gesture and you are a gift.
Well Helping Sheila do His work is my gift.
Gives my life meaning.
I got some cleaning stuff in the car.
I'll be right back.
Oh! And I got a print off that knife from your door.
Guy's got a long record.
I'll send you the file.
Why does everyone want to find meaning in their lives? Whatever happened to just getting through the fucking day? Hand me the duffel.
I'm going to swipe a few pieces of candy from this piñata.
I woke up this morning feeling so positive about today.
And then, someone put a knife on our door.
And now Anne took all your food, and the Nazis are on to us so we gotta find a whole new lobster tank! It's still better than yesterday, okay? We're not on the run and we'll find a new group of bad people.
Did you know there're still pirates? I'm not buying a boat to chase pirates.
Primary caregivers.
Oh, my God, honey.
Look.
Abby's washing a dish.
And you thought this wasn't a good day.
How are you, sweetheart? Fine.
The highlight of my day.
Everything okay, Abs? Yeah.
Just tired.
I'm going to go to bed.
Love you, Dad.
Love you too, sweetheart.
Love you, God.
Alright.
Today was better than yesterday.
Let's go upstairs and take a bath and get all slippery with each other.
And I promise tomorrow will be even better.
[PHONE NOTIFICATION] It's from Anne.
The file on that guy who put the knife in our door.
Whoa.
Him? Fuck me.
Well, at least Anne came through.
Maybe there's hope for her yet.
Okay, people.
After we met this morning, I spoke to Sheila, and it turns out she doesn't want anyone knowing she's doing God's work.
So we're going to have to keep it tight.
- George? - I already told my wife.
Okay, well, just don't tell anyone else.
Okay.
- George.
- She may have told her sister.
Okay.
- Lauren? - When can we meet Sheila? Oh, I'm not sure.
Not for a while.
But if we can't witness her glory like you did, then how do we know it's real? Well, you're just gonna have to go on faith for now.
But don't worry.
When the time is right everyone will know the miracle of Sheila.