Santa Clarita Diet (2017) s03e02 Episode Script


Oh Somebody's ready for action.
It smells delicious in here.
Did you cut yourself? Just testing it.
It works.
You brought Mr.
Ball Legs home? Yeah.
I thought maybe a change of scenery would cheer him up.
Maybe he would enjoy Bangkok.
Is that Ramona's ball creature? Cool.
[KNOCKS SOFTLY] It's like when we go to the zoo and none of the animals give a fuck.
So I ran into Lisa and she had some big news.
About a certain girl and a certain boy.
One of them's named Abby.
You're no fun.
Are you dating Eric? That is so cute.
Oh, God! We're not dating.
Whatever you kids call it today.
" Mom! Never be in public.
It was a stupid misunderstanding.
I can't believe Lisa's telling people.
So, you're not dating? Or "hooking"? Oh, my God! Goodbye! I don't care if it's not true.
We are not letting this go.
Ready to go deal with your friend - who left a knife in our door? - Yes.
Let me just grab his address.
And Ron's not my friend.
We just shared a room in a mental hospital, where I told him my deepest secrets and comforted him when he cried.
Oh, shit.
We're friends.
I hope we don't have to kill Ron.
He seems sweet.
People can be sweet and dangerous.
Example, us.
Also, koala bears.
Ding dong! Outside? You say "ding dong" outside? We heard you guys are starting your own realty company.
Big yay.
And we wanted to mark the occasion with a dolce de leche cake.
But they didn't have one, so we got you monkey bread.
- That is so nice.
- So nice.
We know how hard it can be to strike out on your own.
Yeah, we've been there, and we were young when we did it.
[SCOFFS] We're still young.
[MOCKINGLY] Yes, you are.
- No, we are.
- Yes, you are.
Say, while we're here we heard from Judy Humbolt and she said you wanted to list you six-bedroom Mediterranean? Very high-end.
Good for you.
It's like a couple of ants trying to lift a cornflake.
We just don't want you to waste your time because high-end neighborhoods are kind of our thing.
Why are you smiling, pretty lady? 'Cause I just realized why you came over here and it's flattering.
You're threatened by us.
Oh, yes.
Your monkey bread smells of fear.
We just didn't want to get crushed by us.
Maybe you should be selling the type of home you're more familiar with.
Like your cute little starter here.
We're not gonna get crushed.
We're gonna drag that cornflake back to the colony, stage it with all-white furniture and sell it for 10% above asking.
We are gonna get that listing.
Judy Humbolt and I go way back.
Once at summer camp, she got homesick so I stayed up all night braiding her hair.
Aw I finger-banged her into her first orgasm at her brother's Bar Mitzvah party.
L'chaim, bitches.
Hey, guys! I'm not liking the body language over here.
Everything alright? - It's fine.
We were ju - Not talking to you, sir.
This is ridiculous.
Ma'am, why don't you take a seat on the pavement for me? Are you serious? Ma'am? Sheila? Our friends from Principal Residential thought they could come here and tell us where we can and cannot sell homes.
Well, that doesn't seem right.
This is Officer Garcia.
She's our Sheriff friend.
She has a gun.
I'm an enormous man.
I'm not afraid of her.
Why don't I turn off my body cam? We'll see where this goes.
You will not fight.
That is a $1,500 suit.
You're lucky I'm not wearing an outfit like Joel you buy at a grocery store.
[MOCKINGLY] Look who's afraid to punch a cop.
We're leaving.
And we're taking back our monkey bread.
Thank you, Anne.
I serve Him by serving you.
The shield of righteousness never falters.
Okay, I know things aren't perfect with Anne, but you have to admit that was pretty cool.
That was kinda cool.
Christa was so cocky and then she was, like, "Whaa?" And Chris was all Maybe we should bring Anne to see Ron, and if he's a problem, she could back his ass down.
I don't think that's a good idea.
She's kind of wild card.
She took our Nazi yesterday.
Well, it was her first day on the job.
But, that was terrible.
Can you believe that douchebag spends $1,500 on a suit? You want to have a $1,500 suit, don't you? I would wear one.
We have a problem.
Remember when Sven and I went to the fracking site on our date? Oh, my God.
You're pregnant.
Yes, and it's triplets.
I'm naming them Hey, Idiot and Pay Attention.
- Okay.
- Nothing happened with Sven.
But those pictures we took so I could scout the site? He just posted them on Instagram.
"Wow, can't believe I was at the fracking site with Abby Hammond days before the terrorist attack.
" Hashtag brush with death.
Hashtag makes you think.
Hashtag these colors don't run.
This is bad.
This puts me at the crime scene - taking photos like I'm casing it.
- Which you were.
It would be great if the FBI didn't know that.
We have to get Sven to take these down.
Oh, also, we should get rid of my backpack.
We had the C4 in it so there's probably residue.
I'll do that.
You deal with Sven.
He and I didn't end on the best terms.
Want me to rough him up or just talk to him? Keep in mind I'm only capable of one of those things.
You'll do great.
Hey, speaking of our web of deception Your mom told my parents that we're in a relationship.
What did Joel think? Yeah, my point is, can you please ask her not to tell anyone else? It's just I'd like to keep this contained.
Sure, I'll tell her.
Does it make you uncomfortable? It's not you.
It's just I have so many lies on my plate, I really can't handle another one.
Totally get it.
No worries.
No one but our parents will think we're together.
- Thank you.
- Except my mom already told my grandma.
She wants to give you her ring.
Do you really think Ron could be a Knight of Serbia? Or maybe he just thinks he is.
Either way, we should be prepared.
Fuck this thing.
I told you I'd knit you a cover.
[GASPS] Joel? Oh! I was so worried about you.
I was a little worried too, Ron.
- Hi, Sheila.
- Hi, Ron.
Come in.
It's so good to see you guys.
So What brings you here? Hm The knife you stuck in our door with the note that said, "Beware, the knights are coming.
" I didn't stick a knife in your door.
It had your fingerprints on it.
Okay, I did stick a knife in your door.
I wanted to warn you your lives were in danger but I didn't want you to know it was me because I'm the one who put your lives in danger.
Does anyone want tea? No tea.
What did you do, Ron? Okay, I met this guy Paul through a paranormal subreddit and I told him What's in the satchel? Don't worry about that.
You told him Right.
Now all I can think about is the satchel.
Ron! We need you to focus here.
You got it.
- Ron! - I'm with you! Here Look.
It's just a hammer knife in case we have to kill you.
Thank you.
That was going to drive me crazy.
Please, sit.
So This guy Paul.
He has this weird spider-like thing tattooed on his arm.
Ball Legs.
What's that? Doesn't matter.
Go on.
I can't.
When you become undead, you throw up a pod and it eventually turns into an eight-legged creature.
That's Mr.
Ball Legs.
Thank you, Sheila.
See? Is it so hard to include me? So this Paul Did he say he was a Knight of Serbia? - Yes.
- Holy shit, they're here.
They started hunting the undead 500 years ago, and now they're here.
Do you know how many there are? Doesn't seem like a lot.
I think there's just one for each region of the country.
Paul has California, Arizona and the Vegas Strip.
Obviously, the Knights are not immune to gerrymandering.
So what is it like being undead? Forget that.
What did you tell Paul about us? [SIGHS] Well, your whole life changes.
It's like that moment in The Wizard of Oz when the whole world goes from black and white to color.
That sounds wonderful.
Yeah, my life has been pretty gray since my wife died.
We did everything together.
Oh, Ron, I'm so sorry.
That's okay.
So, what is your favorite part about being immortal? Are you looking forward to living on Mars one day? Wait.
Immortal? Yeah You're undead.
So unless someone puts a spike through your head, you're going to live forever.
I haven't thought of that.
Neither did I.
That's pretty intense.
You guys, focus! Paul is trying to kill you! Right.
What did you tell him about us? All I said was I know an undead woman But nothing about us specifically.
who's one half of a realtor couple - But not where we live.
- in Santa Clarita.
So, we go to Paul's, see what he knows.
And then we figure out a way to throw him off his tracks.
You know, so he doesn't kill me.
How do we get him to talk to us? You could pretend to be a Knight of Serbia visiting from another region.
I could be a Knight.
I did so more tricky legs than anyone at the Renaissance Fair.
You did.
So I'm going to live forever.
That's some shit, right? Yeah Hard to imagine.
Although, if Paul recognizes us from the clam farm we could both die today.
I could meet my great-grandchildren and their great-grandchildren.
That's so many greats.
What would they even call me? - Honey we have bigger - How about Bop bop? Well, you just add a bop to every generation.
Of course, pretty soon I would be Bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop.
I don't even know how to think about that.
You're talking centuries from now.
Even if we do survive today, with all the shit coming at us I don't know how we're gonna get through the year.
Well, let's just focus on today, then.
How are we going to get Paul to believe you're a Knight? Still have those fancy colored pens at home? Of course.
They're at Bop bop's arts and crafts store.
You're throwing away your backpack? Yes as people do.
It looks pretty new.
Why are you getting rid of it? It was asking too many questions.
I know you.
You were in Environmental Club for, like, five minutes.
You're Winter, right? I saw you at the fundraiser.
You made the lemon squares that were so good Amanda threw her batch down the stairs.
Yeah, people think just 'cause I have a shitty attitude, I can't bake.
People can be more than one thing.
Abraham Lincoln invented the pancake.
If you don't want anyone to find that, you should cut it up or burn it.
My dude.
Saw your Instagram about the fracking site.
Thanks, man.
I'm okay.
Oh, good.
We've all been so worried.
But, hey, listen.
Those pictures put you at the site right before it exploded.
It might look incriminating.
You should probably take them down.
I didn't do anything.
- Might seem like you did.
- But I didn't.
- Might seem - But I didn't.
Mm-hmm We were just there because Abby wanted to take pictures.
Is she the one you're worried about? Abby? No Do you not want people knowing Abby was there? Me? No.
What? No.
She was acting weird.
At one point, she asked me to move over like she wanted better pictures of the site.
Why would she do that unless Abby and I are dating, okay? And seeing photos of you two together tears me apart so I need you to take them down.
I'm jealous, Sven.
I hate that I'm like that, but there it is.
I'm a jealous motherfucker.
- I get that.
- Wait! You're dating Abby Hammond? Shit Yeah.
I mean, shit yeah! We know that Paul is looking for a realtor couple so - I got it.
- And if he recognizes us - from the clam farm? - I got it.
Did you really mean what you said before? That you thought we might not make it through the year? Our life is precarious.
Every day, we're one mistake away from losing everything.
But every day we're still here, and I think we're getting better and better at this.
Maybe you're just a pessimist.
Or maybe I'm a realist.
I did tell you in college that your Beanie Baby collection would have no value, so you should just take the tags off and have fun.
- Hi! - Hi! Are you Paul? Paul! There's people here to see you! - Who are they? - I don't know! I'm not your fucking butler! Come in or whatever.
They're loose in the house now, if you want to come deal with it! - Hey.
- Hi.
We're Belle and Sebastian.
A brother-sister, doctor-nurse team.
What can I do for you, Doctor? Why do you assume she's the doctor? - Why wouldn't he? - It's just I'm curious what about me says nurse to you.
I don't know.
Kind eyes, upper body strength.
Oh, well then.
Thank you.
Did you two want something? We're in town visiting from the Midwest and we just wanted to stop by and congratulate the man who blew up that clam farm.
How do you know about that? Because you and I have something in common.
[SUSPENSE MUSIC PLAYING] How's it going? Oh, my God.
I've never met another Knight of Serbia before.
I mean, I exchanged pie recipes once with a Knight in Florida, but she went paleo and then we lost touch.
Oh, my goodness.
Have a seat.
Sorry about the mess.
I'm meeting my girlfriend Marsha in Hawaii.
We're going to start a family.
Great news! Congratulations! So that's it, then? You won't be hunting the undead anymore? No.
I'm hanging up my rocket launcher, which is a good thing because the rockets are stupid expensive and you have to buy them from, like the worst people.
Paul's leaving town to start a family.
How romantic.
Do you see why I'm an optimist, bro? Tommy, Goddamnit! You had a moth.
You come into my house and you try to eat my wounds? Fuck you! You've met met my unpleasant brother Tommy.
He used to be a sniper in the Army.
But now he's going to take over for me as the new Knight of Serbia.
So the guy who exchanged pie recipes is out and the professional sharpshooter is in.
So, I cut the backpack into pieces and put the pieces in separate dumpsters.
Smart, right? - How'd it go with Sven? - I got him to take down the photos.
And that's the victory we should focus on while I tell you this other really funny thing that happened.
Oh, my God.
I just heard from Emily that you have a boyfriend - and it's this guy.
- Eric.
Oh, my God.
He is in love with you.
Yeah, it's all happening so fast.
Which can be explained.
I want what you have.
- What the hell? - Sven was getting suspicious.
I had said I was jealous about the pictures to get him to take them down.
But now the whole school thinks we're dating.
So? Is the idea of being with me that embarrassing to you? - No! - Then why are you so upset? Because it's like all these events keep pushing us together and I'm not ready.
If we ever do get together, I want it to be because both of us choose it.
I understand.
I'm sorry.
Thank you.
"Ever do get together"? - Eric - No, sorry.
I get it.
And I'm sick of it! - What? - We're done.
I'm breaking up with you, Abby.
You're breaking up with me? I heard they're having problems.
I'm sorry.
I tried to make it work, but I can't be with just one female.
I'm like a blue tongue skink, in that way.
God, I'm going to miss your deep, sexy knowledge of lizards.
Sorry, y'all had to see that.
Excuse me.
Could you direct me to Principal Novak's office? Yeah, just down the hall you make a right and then a left Whoa.
You have a gun.
Are you here to arrest him? Is he the guy who robbed a Starbucks wearing that mascot costume? I don't know anything about that.
I'm with the FBI.
So tell us about when you blew up the clam farm.
What did you see that night? I'd heard about an undead woman and I think she was there, running from the explosion.
- No.
- Yeah.
She was a short blonde woman with a taller man.
It was pretty dark out but I'd know them if I saw them again.
Hey I never offered you guys a drink.
Oh! We're fine, thanks.
So, this undead woman you're looking for What's your plan? He doesn't have one.
This is the first undead sighting in 50 years and this needle dick's running off to Hawaii.
Because I'm in love and I get to be happy.
And the plan is that you are going to apply yourself for the first time in your life and track this woman down.
Now, we know that she and her husband are realtors in Santa Clarita.
We're going to be in town for a little while.
We could help you find this realtor couple.
We could even kill her for you.
This plan's really coming together.
You can find her, but I want to shoot the brain out of her skull and then I'm gonna find that freaky little spider thing and I'm gonna keep it as a pet.
It's called a maladragon, dummy.
Which you would know, had you read any of the sacred texts.
And you can't keep it as a pet because they die when you separate them from their host.
Really? They die? Okay, we haven't agreed upon a plan.
We'll find the undead woman.
You study up and don't do anything until you hear from us.
And, if you lose interest in the whole project, that's fine, too.
Sweetie? What? You call your sister Sweetie? Yeah.
That's her last name.
I'm married to Ken Sweetie.
What's your problem? - I don't have a problem.
- Okay, then.
Sweetie? Mr.
Ball Legs is dying 'cause he's not with Ramona.
That is so sad.
Okay, but I don't know if Mr.
Ball Legs is our biggest problem right now.
We can't let him die.
I'm going to call Ramona and see if she'll come down from Seattle and get him.
Let's put a pin on the Ramona discussion until we figure out how we're going to find Tommy and undead realtor who isn't you.
Well, what if we make one up? Ooh, I like it.
I get to pick the name.
Hold on.
Maybe I want to Rosemary Sinclair.
Shit, that's good.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Rosemary Sinclair.
The undead realtor of Santa Clarita.
Nice fake website.
I'd buy a house from the Sinclairs.
It's a stock photo.
There's also one of them washing the dog and one of Rosemary getting bad news over the phone.
I found a motel near the airport where we can book a room for Mr.
and Mrs.
Let's tell Tommy they stayed there the night before they skipped town.
Because they heard the Knights of Serbia were closing in on them.
And we confirmed Rosemary's undead because we found body parts in their motel room.
Looks like we're going to make it through another day.
I just got a little overwhelmed sometimes.
I get it.
The last 24 hours, we could have died three different ways.
Four, if we count that left turn you made.
But we're still here.
String a few good days like this together Pretty soon, you make it through the week.
Then the month, then the year.
Then, who knows? Someday, a stadium of children are singing "Happy Birthday" to Bop bop bop bop bop.
Are you becoming an optimist? No.
I'm still a realist.
I just like our chances.
It's Anne! You guys home? So she just walks into our house now? I got you a Costco chicken! Fuck, yeah.
We're in here! Thank you, Anne.
That was so nice of you.
Oh! And I also took care of your little Chris and Christa problem.
Huh? I didn't like how they disrespected you.
So I looked them up on the sheriff's database and it turns out they were once convicted of fraud.
And what did you do, Anne? I leaked it to my friend at the Valley Journal.
She wrote a pretty scathing story about them so they're not gonna be much competition for you anymore.
Oh, and I also got you some barbecue sauce, but it's habanero.
So look out.
I do like the idea of neutering Chris and Christa.
Me too.
But this is kind of extreme.
Wish she would have asked us first.
Although, she means well.
And it is just an article.
I still think we should talk to her Set some boundaries.
[KNOCKING] - My goodness.
It's her.
- Hello, we're the Randolphs.
I'm George, and this is my wife, Claire.
We've heard of your work and wanted to meet you.
Oh, do you want to sell your house? Do you want us to sell our house? [SCOFFS] Excuse me? We know Anne from church.
She said we shouldn't contact you, but we just had to witness God's messenger on Earth.
Oh Could you give us a moment? - Fuck! - Shit! Oh, we have to fire Anne.
Yeah before she does any more damage.
[SIGHS] Whoa.
I think I found the undead woman.
What? Realtor couple in Santa Clarita.
He's tall, she's blonde.
Look familiar? Holy shit! That's them.
Those are the people from the clam farm, I'm sure of it.
Sleep well, Christa Caldwell, because tomorrow you die.
Really? You're just jealous.
You didn't say it.