Santa Clarita Diet (2017) s03e04 Episode Script

More of a Cat Person

Gary did a great job on this flyer.
I love how the "M's" in Hammond are like the roof of a house.
Ah So exciting.
Our first open house as Hammond Realty.
Oh! Maybe we should have a quickie in the bonus room.
No, there's not enough time.
Maybe after.
But in the rain shower.
- And at peace.
- Hell, yeah.
Mmm That looks so good.
A cookie? No, your fingers.
I'm so hungry.
Is there no more Larry? I finished him yesterday.
My last taste of the "Master Race".
Unless Whole Foods decides to start selling Nazis.
God, can you imagine how expensive they'd be? Although, would be nice to know my Nazis were sustainably raised.
Okay, well we'll find you someone to eat as soon as we close up here.
What about that lady who pretends not to notice when her Great Dane shits on our sidewalk? Helen? We can't kill her.
She fell down a well when she was a kid.
Oh, my God! That's "The little Helen who fell down the well'n how she got down there, no one is tellin'"? That's her.
Huh Honey, thank you for giving up the rest of your day to help me find someone.
I know you'd rather spend the afternoon unraveling the mysteries of the Serbian Consulate.
You make me sound like one of the Hardy Boys.
I'm sorry.
I don't mean to belittle your adventures.
Oh, I did it again, didn't I? It's just when I met that Mr.
Poplovic guy at the Consulate, he acted like he'd never heard of Pozica.
But I dug around online and found a military research facility in Pozica.
And guess who used to run it? Poplovic.
Why did he lie? What's he hiding? I would totally read this book.
I'mma call Tommy.
Now that he's not a danger anymore, I can see if there's anything in his Knights of Serbia files that might be helpful.
You're such a good man.
Doing all this for me.
I don't know how I'd live without you.
Thanks, honey.
I don't know how I'd live without you.
Have you thought any more about accepting my offer of immortality? Act now, and I'll throw in a free set of steak knives.
I'm still thinking about it.
Wheels are turning, neurons are firing.
Hypotheticals are being explored.
I know what thinking is, sweetie.
I'm just not there yet.
Hello? - Hi! - Hi! Are we early? Are you open? You're right on time.
I'm Sheila.
This is Joel.
I'm Marc.
This is Allison.
Hi, Marc.
Hi, Allison.
This Mediterranean stunner just came on the market.
- May we give you a tour? - Hello? May I come in? - Of course.
- Absolutely.
Joel, why don't you show Marc and Allison the exquisite master suite? Heated towel rack.
That's all I'm gonna say.
I'm Trish.
You're Sheila Hammond, aren't you? I am.
May I give you a tour of the kitchen? I'm actually just here for your divine guidance.
Oh, hell.
I got your message.
Your FBI interview is today? Yeah.
Leslie's having hers right now.
She'll text me when she's out and tell me all the questions so I can prepare.
- Okay, let's talk about our alibi.
- Okay.
So, the night of the fracking site explosion, we were right here playing Settlers of Catan.
- No.
- No, come on.
It's easy to remember.
I had dominion over three terrain hexes, but you were rich in grain and had a port city.
But land control simulation games are my comfort zone.
At some point, they're gonna interview me too, so our alibi needs to be something we can both remember, and I would rather die in prison than learn the rules of this game.
All right.
We were watching a movie, but it has to be on DVD because the FBI can't track that.
- Great.
- I have the Lord of the Rings trilogy, or the instructional DVD that came with my Settlers of Catan expansion pack.
Jesus Christ.
Okay, we were watching Lord of the Rings.
Yes! So, you know during the prologue when Sauron forged the one ring? You put on a DVD and I fell asleep immediately.
That's our alibi.
Leslie just got out of her interview.
Mm-hmm Oh, God.
Oh, God, she says the FBI found a footprint at the fracking site.
Okay, don't freak out.
We'll be okay.
We threw out the shoes we wore that night.
Abby, they could still trace our footprint based on our shoe size.
Okay, so we wear shoes to our interviews that are bigger than what we really wear.
That's good.
That's good.
I like that.
Okay, I'll pick some up at Goodwill so they look used.
- What size are you? - Eight and a half.
Why? What are you? Doesn't matter.
I'll pick some up.
Doesn't matter.
Do we have the same size feet? I wish.
Your feet are bigger than mine.
- Why are we talking about this? - I'll drop it.
I better do it across the room, so it doesn't land on your toes.
What's that, baby feet? I regret initiating this.
- Oh, God.
Leslie again? - No It's Ramona.
Things have been kind of rough with me lately and I know from my church group how much you inspired Anne, and I thought to myself, "Heck, I could use a little Godly insight.
" But didn't Anne tell you that she was wrong about me? I'm just a realator.
Yeah, she told us.
But, unlike the others, I still have my faith.
Trish, I wish I could help you, but I don't have any special powers.
I can wake up in the middle of the night and tell the time within about 20 minutes of the actual time.
But that's it.
Well Maybe I shouldn't have come.
Lots of people get divorced, right? Fifty percent.
And not everyone gets along with their exes.
That's why they're exes.
Certainly, I'm not the only woman whose husband ridiculed her and made her feel small and not very smart.
And when she finally left him, stole her cat and froze her bank accounts and insisted that she come back because he is the only man who could love somebody like her and she's lost and lonely and starting to think maybe he's right.
Anyway, I'll figure it out.
It was really nice to meet you.
Hang on.
Listen to me.
Fuck that worthless fucking piece of fuck.
You deserve better and you're not going back to him unless it's to kick him in the balls so hard, they dangle out his nostrils.
They don't talk like you in the Bible.
I'm okay with that.
Now you need someone to stay with you.
Someone you trust.
Don't say me.
Uh, my coworker, Vicky.
Although, she can be very judgy.
Call that bitch, Vicky.
By the way, what was the name of your ex-husband? She's one of Anne's church people.
I don't think we should be encouraging her by killing her ex-husband.
She'll never know it's me.
And I Googled the guy, and he's perfect.
Bob Zekeman.
Three convictions for domestic violence.
A hit-and-run, and he totally destroyed that poor woman's self-esteem.
Plus, he looks so tasty.
Check out that neck.
Mm-hmm What am I looking at? The Adam's apple? Ugh.
The sternocleidomastoid muscles.
They're practically falling off the bone.
We really see people differently.
Ramona? Hi, Sheila.
Hi, Joel.
Jesus! What are you doing here? Looking for Mr.
Ball Legs.
Sheila texted me he was sick, so I drove down from Seattle.
How'd you get in? The lock on your side door is broken now.
So where is he? I keep him in the closet under the stairs, because he freaks Joel out.
He's a mucous-covered peach pit with spindly legs.
And I'm more of a cat person.
Hey, buddy.
Look who's here.
Please don't be dead.
He might not be able to see you, since he has no eyes.
What are you talking about? He's covered with eyes.
He just keeps them closed, except at night.
Oh, God.
Get it out of here.
Hey, little guy.
I'm back.
You remember me! Aww, that's so sweet.
Look how happy they are.
It's covered with eyes.
Please don't take him out.
Okay, people eat here.
It's like that video when a soldier comes home and the Golden Retriever goes crazy.
Except the dog is covered with eyes.
You should never go scuba diving.
You'd make a lot of sea creatures feel shitty about themselves.
- Hi, Ramona.
- Hey, Ramona.
Hi, Eric, Abby.
Eric, I want to apologize for trying to kidnap you the last time I was here.
That was wrong of me.
- It happens.
- I mean Does it, though? Sheila, so where is your Mr.
Ball Legs? Oh, I froze mine before it grew legs, so I don't have one.
That's sad.
I love my little guy.
When we were separated, it was like a part of me was missing.
The ball part.
Really? You feel a connection to yours? Oh, yeah.
You should thaw yours out and see.
- Hmm.
Maybe I'm - We're good.
We got Abby.
Great stuff.
And I also missed you, Eric.
Meow, meow, sexy panther purr.
It's nice to see you too, Ramona.
Ruff, ruff, dog tail wag.
Well, Sheila and I were in the middle of something important.
And even if we weren't, I'm done with whatever's happening here, so Thank you for taking care of Mr.
Ball Legs.
I'm staying at the Golden Ridge Motel, Room 134.
If that's of any interest to anyone.
Cough, wink, Eric.
- Bye, Ramona.
- Nice to see you.
And bye to you, Dr.
Ball Legs.
It's a game we sometimes played.
- Can I talk to you for a minute? - Hmm? Sure.
Please tell me you're not gonna have sex with your ex-kidnapper.
You have your FBI interview.
Is that not enough danger for one day? I know.
I think I just got caught up with the idea of being that guy who's had sex more than once.
But, I'll talk to her and let her know it's not happening.
She can be intense.
Do you want backup? No, no.
I'll shut this down myself.
You go shoe shopping.
Sorry, that sounded really sexist.
You deal with the feds.
I'll share my feelings with Ramona.
Are you sure you can handle her? Can I handle girl stuff? No, but I really want to try.
I'm sorry you have to live in the freezer.
I wonder if he dreams.
Could you please just not put him back next to the ice cream? If you had a ball, we can thaw mine, and they could be friends.
Or they could mate and shoot out spores that destroy the world.
We don't know what these things do.
I know becoming undead seems like an obvious choice, but that's the thing.
For you, it wasn't a choice.
For me, it is.
And once I make that decision, I can never go back.
Go back from feeling incredible every day, forever? Now, you can't.
Every day with you is already incredible.
Aww I hate that that worked.
So, what do you think of Trish's ex? Ugh.
You're right.
Bob Zekeman's a total asshole.
Can't believe he stole her cat.
Look how cute they are together.
They dressed up for Halloween.
I'm hoping.
- So, are you in? - Yeah.
Now, how do we lure a raging misogynist to the kill room? Maybe we tell him there's a woman in there who's posting her opinions on the internet.
- Oh hey, Lisa, now's not - Anne left me.
- What? - She said something about being in the middle of a spiritual reawakening and needing to have time to reflect, or some bullshit.
All I know is I got dumped.
- Where's your liquor? - At 11 a.
? Why, does it move around during the day? I'm sorry, Lisa.
It sounds like Anne is on her own path, which is unrelated to anyone else.
I'm just so lonely.
I mean, I thought we were great, and then she just leaves? Why does this keep happening to me? I'm hot.
I would hit this.
You should talk to somebody else.
Like a professional.
I don't like therapists.
They're never any fun.
What I need to find is a support group for first-time lesbians, who have been abandoned by Christian law enforcement officers.
I don't know if they have any groups that specific.
Although, that is interesting, honey.
A person with a specific issue might be lured to a place where they think there'll be other people with the same specific issues.
Mm, that is interesting.
It's not that interesting.
No, it is.
Thanks, Lisa.
Look how we helped each other.
How did I help you? How did you help me? The very fact that you're asking those questions, is how I know you're gonna be okay.
- What? - There she is.
Now, when Bob Zekeman gets here, you're going to have to say some pretty ugly things about women to make him feel comfortable.
Are you okay with that? No.
That's the right answer, right? It wasn't a test, but you passed.
Maybe we should just hang back.
We didn't say racist things to the Nazis.
We just let them do the talking until you ripped out their throats.
Ah Throats, mmm.
I hope Bob's a smoker.
It tastes like barbecue.
Texas style.
- You're late.
Everything okay? - Yeah, it's all good.
Put these on.
I mean, they're not exactly what I normally wear to school.
They won't match size or style of the footprint the FBI found.
- Plus, they were 45 cents at Goodwill.
- Huh.
- So how did it go with Ramona? - Oh, great.
I said, "Hey, I'm not into this" and she said, "It's all good.
" And now she's going back up to Seattle and she loves it up there.
There's an awesome music scene.
She told me about this one band.
God, what was the name? Snail Assassin? Rocket Snail? Snail Babysitter? I might be wrong about the snail.
- You're lying.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no.
You talk a lot when you lie, and you repeat words.
In this case, "snail" and "no.
" Okay, Ramona didn't take my rejection very well.
Fact, she rejected it.
She said she wants me and isn't gonna leave town until I agree to want her, too.
Man, why did you just lie to me? This is serious.
I don't know.
I rely on you for so much.
You're helping me out with this FBI stuff.
You keep me from freaking out at least three times a day.
I don't want this to be a one-sided friendship.
Oh, my God.
Do you have any idea how much I get from you? I would literally be dead if you weren't in my life.
Really? You think you'd be dead? That's so sweet.
So what am I gonna do about Ramona? We will figure it out.
I promise.
But now, you go to your interview.
I feel like I'm going to school today, but my feet are in court defending the Rosenbergs.
You'll be fine.
Just don't talk too much.
You're wearing the shoes of an older, more confident man.
Let them guide you.
I'll try.
And the band was Snail Glitter.
But they broke up to focus on other projects.
- And they weren't from Seattle.
- Huh.
Is it too sparse? What other dick horror supports an anti-woman aesthetic? A "no girls allowed" sign? - Feels like a kid's tree-house.
- I hear it, too.
Say what you will about the Nazis, at least they had agreed upon iconography.
Hello? I'm Bob Zekeman.
- Hey! - Hi! I got an email about a men's rights group.
Am I in the right place? Yep.
You're in the men's rights place.
We meet in this storage unit because it's just outside the restraining order zones of all our members.
Why is she here? I thought there'd be no girls allowed.
I'll tell you why I'm here.
I hate women.
With their higher voices and their neater handwriting.
Oh, I'm sorry, am I going on and on? Typical woman.
Hate 'em.
Won't you come in and sit? What's with the plastic? It's for the group after us.
They're painters.
Yeah, they do a lot of splatter art.
You'll see.
Actually, no, you won't.
What's your story, Bob? How have you been wronged by Dames? Oh, Jesus.
Where do I start? Before everybody gets here, I'm just gonna close the door.
Because I'm cold, because I'm a typical woman.
I'm really glad I'm here.
The world is so unsafe for men right now.
You have no idea.
You know, you can't even help a woman anymore.
You know? I constantly told my wife what she was doing wrong.
Did she appreciate it? No.
And when things got heated, who do you think the cops believed? Her.
Her coworkers.
And one security camera.
I'll tell you, I had the last laugh.
I stole her stupid cat and I renamed it Puss Tard.
Whoa, boy.
You are perfect.
Trish didn't think so.
You know women, they're never satisfied.
No matter how perfect you are, they always want more.
Is that how you feel? What? Well, it's just that you do so much for me.
And now I'm asking for even more To be with me forever.
Really? You want to do this now? Yeah, lady.
This is our time.
We'll get to you in a minute, Bob.
I promise.
It's not that I don't wanna be with you.
It's about what I might become.
I worked hard to be a good husband and father.
What if all that goes out the window? I know you.
That's not gonna happen.
But we can't really know that.
Plus, the stuff you have to eat? Raw organs, smoked throat.
Can we acknowledge it's weird? Women and their ridiculous diets.
Hey, sweetheart, it doesn't matter if you lose 10 pounds.
You're always gonna look over 30.
Wait your fucking turn, Bob.
So is that it? My world disgusts you? Honey, that is not what I meant.
I know you're grossed out by Mr.
Ball Legs.
You've never been shy about that.
I try not to take it personally, but it's hard sometimes.
Victim, victim, victim They always play the victim card.
You're right, Bob.
You're the victim here.
I am.
Thank you.
Goodbye, Bob.
Hi, Eric.
Agent Rogers.
Or Tess, if you prefer.
I like the name Tess.
Is that short for something? What would it be short for? I don't know.
Tessa, Tessa Marie.
Contessa Marie.
- Are you all right? - Yeah, I'm good.
- Please, sit.
- Okay.
Don't be nervous.
I just have a few simple questions I'm asking everyone in the Environmental Club.
Is that all right? Fine by me.
Mind if I put my feet up? Sure.
It's not my house.
I like to be comfortable.
So, in the days leading up to the explosion, did you hear anyone discussing plans - to destroy the fracking site? - No.
Are you aware of local groups or individuals who might been involved? No.
Have you ever been to the fracking site? No.
So we have a footprint we've linked to the explosion.
- Really? What size? - What size? Oh.
I'm sorry, I wasn't being clear.
It's not a shoeprint.
It's a chemical footprint.
Wow, okay.
Yeah, that was not at all clear.
Chemical footprints are microscopic particles that are put in explosives, so they can be traced.
Well, that's a bit of science I did not know.
The material used at the fracking site was C4.
Specifically from a batch that went missing from the Sheriff's evidence locker from a case your stepfather Dan was working on.
Do you know anything about that missing C4, Eric? No.
You're not aware of any C4 your stepfather had? You never saw any? No, I never saw any C4.
Dan never mentioned anything about C4.
We weren't very close.
Well, we were close in proximity because we lived together.
But some days I'd only C4 him dinner.
See him for dinner.
I'm sorry, I guess I am nervous.
I didn't C4 you being Okay.
I mean, foresee you being interested in Dan.
God dammit.
Let's talk about where you were the night of the explosion.
Oh, you're not Eric.
Hi, Ramona.
I brought you some things for your drive back to Seattle.
A National Park pass.
An air freshener.
An Eagles CD that my dad should not be playing anymore.
Thanks, but I'm not leaving until Eric agrees to come with me.
I'm not letting you take Eric.
Just so we're clear, is that another gift or are you threatening to kill me? I think you know.
No, I don't.
I'm not great with social cues.
Seriously? Just seems kind of obvious.
It's completely different from everything else I brought.
Now I feel like you're shaming me for not being great with social cues.
This is a threat.
Text Eric.
Tell him you understand it's over, then leave town.
Or I will stab you through the head with this knife.
You must really be in love with him to come here and risk your life like this.
What? No, it's No.
It's not He's my friend.
Oh, Abby.
I might not be great at reading people, but even I can see this.
It's okay.
I won't take him.
You win.
I'm not willing to die for Eric, and you are.
You all right? Yeah.
I'll finish cleaning up, and I'll meet you at home.
There's something I need to do.
Mochi! You came home! And you brought Bob's Rolex with you.
Come in.
You booked this room for the week.
My plans changed.
I don't care.
You still have to pay the full amount.
No, I don't.
You're not leaving until I get my money.
Just so we're clear, that was a threat, right? Whoa! What the hell is that? He's my friend.
I let him out to stretch his various legs, because we have a long drive.
You didn't pay the fucking pet deposit.
What's it doing? Get it off me! Oh, cool.
Didn't know you could do that.
Honey? In the kitchen! I returned Trish's cat and she looked so happy.
I know I'm not divine in the way she thinks, but it felt so good to help her.
What's going on? I still don't know if I want to be undead, but it is not because any part of you disgusts me.
I love you.
All of you.
I don't want you to ever doubt that.
Happy anniversary.
It's not our anniversary.
Sure, it is.
It's been a month since you died and came back to me.
Oh, my God.
What did you do? My Mr.
Ball Legs? - Joel! - I found Abby's old fishtank in the garage, put him in the sun, and a half hour later, he was all, "Where the ladies at?" Hey, little guy, it's Joel.
- Daddy.
- Joel.
Look how sweet he is.
Isn't it crazy how different he looks - from Ramona's? - Mm-hmm.
What am I looking at? - So much more handsome.
- Right.
Thank you.
I love him, and you.
It's Tommy.
I left him a message about looking through his family files.
Hey, Tommy.
Hi, Sebastian.
I looked through some of that stuff.
Did you say that Serbian guy's name was Poplovic? Yeah.
Did you find something? Oh, man.
There's some crazy shit going on with him.
I knew it.
You guys gotta see this.
Can we come down tomorrow? Tomorrow would be perfect.