Santa Clarita Diet (2017) s03e05 Episode Script

Belle and Sebastian Protect the Head

Did I leave any of my old People magazines in here? Yeah, there should be a couple over there.
If you're thinking of killing one of the bachelors, I have some ideas.
I've decided to volunteer for Meals-on-Wheels.
I'm looking for ways to do something positive, something rewarding, something - Hard pass.
- I'm not asking you to do it with me.
No, on this whole conversation.
God! Who raised you? [PHONE RINGS] It's Eric.
- Don't you wanna talk to him? - No.
You're here.
We're talking.
I don't want to be rude.
That is not remotely believable.
What's going on? You didn't take his call last night, either.
When I saw Ramona yesterday, she said it's obvious I'm in love with Eric.
Yes, I'm talking to you about my personal life.
Don't get excited or I'll pull the plug.
Go on.
Or don't.
I don't care.
[CHUCKLES] I mean I do love him, but I don't love love him.
But then, I don't know.
Maybe I could, if I gave it a chance.
When did you know you loved Dad? Well, it was different for us, because I had a huge crush on your dad in high school.
- So you guys had chemistry right away.
- Boy, did we ever.
We were late to everything.
And then one night, my dog, Hummer, got loose and we went looking for him and we walked and talked for hours.
And by the time we finally found him, it was four a.
But I didn't want the night to end.
And I just knew that I loved him.
Well Eric and I have the "we'll always help each other" part, but we're right on time to everything.
Well, it's different.
You guys are starting out as friends, but that doesn't mean you couldn't end up in the same place.
- Huh - What? That was good, Mom.
I don't know why I'm so mean to you.
I don't know, either.
I'm the best.
It's open.
- Hi.
- [JEAN] Hello.
- I'm Jean.
- Hi! I'm Sheila from Meals-on-Wheels.
I brought you something yummy.
What a smile.
Aren't you a beautiful breath of fresh air? Thank you, Jean.
So are you.
I also brought a few magazines.
I thought we could do the celebrity crossword together.
What a sweetheart.
Spending your morning with a housebound lady like me.
You're a saint.
[CHUCKLES] That what you wanna hear? Does that get you off? - What? - Huh? Whoa.
I just came here to help you.
Ah, bullshit.
You're here hoping that if you're nice to a old lady three days a week, you can do whatever the fuck you want the rest of the time without feeling bad about it.
I was told it was only two days a week.
- Filtered, right? - Sure is.
Yeah, it drinks really clean.
So what time is Sheila coming home? I don't know, Ron.
What's going on? I just wanted to stop by and apologize to you two for telling that Knight of Serbia that there was an undead woman in Santa Clarita.
That wasn't great.
But it all worked out.
All right.
I'll tell Sheila you stopped by.
I'll wait.
I've got nothing going on.
Well, we do have something going on, so [DOOR OPENS] Oh! What a morning.
Sheila, you're home.
Ron! Glad you're back, honey.
We gotta get over to Tommy's, remember? Yeah, sure.
What is Ron doing here? I brought you something as an apology.
I thought they'd make a crunchy treat.
Thank you.
What is it? My baby teeth.
I never trusted the Tooth Fairy.
Sorry, Joel.
I was gonna get you something too, but I don't know what you like.
That's not necessary.
And I like sweets.
Actually, there is another reason I came by.
I know you guys are busy, so I will cut right to the chase.
[CLEARS THROAT] Goleta, California, 1975.
Trudy and Albert Ruffin decide to have a child.
- You are nowhere near the chase.
- Okay.
When I was a boy of 11, I dreamed of owning a skateboard.
I wanted to ride the halfpipe like my heroes, Nacho Zang, Jimmy "Choo Choo" Martinez.
Oh Larry Wilson.
There's no way we need the names.
My parents got me a skateboard for Christmas and I was too scared to use it.
I've always been scared.
I don't wanna be scared anymore.
I want you to bite me, so I am bold like you and I'm never scared again.
What? No.
No way.
Yeah, I'm sorry, Ron.
I know you've been through a lot lately, but it's not a good idea.
It's crazy.
Although, funny that some people want to get bitten.
Well, other people need more than 48 hours before making a life-changing decision.
Did I touch a nerve? Wait, does Sheila want you to be undead? [GASPS] Oh, and you rejected her.
And of course you're upset about that, which puts more pressure on you.
I'm sorry if I caused any problems.
Enjoy my teeth.
We should get going, we're late.
Tommy's got a lot of files on that Poplovic guy.
I wanna make sure - we get through all of them.
- I didn't think I'd be so long.
That Meals-on-Wheels woman is insufferable.
I'd like to put her on wheels and roll her into traffic.
Are you eating Ron's baby teeth? They're like stale cornets, but I can't stop eating them.
They're exactly like stale cornets.
I'll text Tommy, tell him we're gonna be late.
I hate doing that on such short notice.
On such short notice.
- Why haven't you called me back? - I was going to.
What's up? The FBI doesn't have a shoe footprint.
They have a chemical footprint from the C4 we used.
And they traced the C4 to my stepdad.
Oh, fuck.
They can do that? And I just heard from Leslie that Agent Rogers is going to kids' homes and asking more questions.
Oh, fuck! They can do that? What if she comes to my house? The rest - of the C4 is still in my mom's closet.
- Well, get it out of there! Oh, my God, Abby, that's such a great idea.
I never would have thought of that.
Sorry, sarcasm comes off bitchy from me.
That's awful.
Yes, Abby.
It's the worst thing that's happened today.
- Do you hear it? - Yes, it's awful.
Okay My mom's home.
I need you to come over and distract her while I get the keys to the closet and get rid of the C4.
Do you think you could do that? Did that sound sarcastic? It was supposed to be genuine.
- I've lost all perspective.
- I got it.
Don't worry.
You know where your mom hides the key, right? - Under the candle.
- Then we will be fine.
And one day we'll laugh about this with our grandchildren.
Our grandchildren? Our respective grandchildren.
Probably made with other people.
Probably? - We have to go.
- Right, gotta go.
No! No! Maybe Meals-on-Wheels will let me trade Jean in for someone nicer, like a Mother Goose type.
I could work with that.
You could just quit.
Quitting isn't always a bad thing.
Quitting smoking, quitting heroin.
Quitting glue is another one.
I can't quit.
I keep thinking about what Anne said.
Maybe I have been chosen for something greater.
Chosen by God? I don't know, maybe.
God, the universe, Oprah.
Whatever you wanna call her.
Tommy's in the garage.
I just think we should try to keep things contained.
The bigger our life gets, the more dangerous it becomes.
But, the more meaning it also has.
Yesterday, I helped Trish stay out of an abusive relationship, and got her cat back.
I wanna do more shit like that.
I know, but look what happened with me and Ron.
You help one guy one time at a mental hospital, and suddenly he's in your house, asking to be bitten.
These things can snowball.
Joel, I brought sweets! I'm sorry if I caused marital discord.
It's hot today.
[RON] This isn't an outdoor cake! [KNOCKS ON THE DOOR] Remember, we're Belle and Sebastian.
A brother-sister doctor-nurse team from the Midwest.
Actually, Sebastian just passed his medical boards, so now he's a doctor, too.
Why does being a nurse bother you so much? I wanna be a doctor.
What's the big deal? Hello? Tommy? Where is he? I don't know.
Why are the walls covered in plastic? Maybe he's a painter.
Kind of reminds me of our kill - Shit! - Shit! - Freeze.
- Whoa, Tommy.
I think there's a misunderstanding.
We're just here to look at those files.
There are no files, Belle and Sebastian.
Or should I say Sheila and Joelle? It's pronounced Joel.
Stop lying to me! [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING] [MUSIC STOPS] It's you.
You're the realtor couple I've been looking for.
And you're undead.
Tommy, you're making a mistake.
Just like you did with Krista.
Yeah? If you're not undead have a donut.
I'm allergic to gluten.
They're gluten-free.
I can't eat sugar.
They're sweetened with stevia.
Tommy, listen to me.
You only have one bolt in that crossbow.
Use it and you'll kill me, but you won't survive to reload.
This isn't about you, Joelle.
She's undead.
She's a monster and needs to be destroyed.
I'm not a monster.
You eat people.
You're a killing machine.
That's all you are.
That's all you'll ever be.
Then take your best shot.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING] Daddy! Hayden! What are you doing here? Mommy dropped me off.
It's your weekend.
But you were here last weekend.
We had high tea at the Biltmore.
That was two weekends ago.
Huh What did I do last weekend? Well, we'd love to stay, but we don't want to traumatize anyone for life, or jeopardize anyone's custody.
This isn't over! Do you think Tommy followed us? I doubt it.
He's with his daughter.
By the way, I did not see that guy as father material.
I know.
And he takes her to high tea.
It would be so sweet, if he wasn't trying to murder me.
We're not gonna let that happen.
We have to kill him first.
I don't wanna kill someone who has a daughter.
We have a daughter and he wants to kill you.
And we've had ours longer.
And Abby complimented me on my parenting this morning.
She would really miss me.
I decided.
Maybe if Tommy knew we had a daughter, he wouldn't want to kill you.
"Hey, Tommy.
Just thought you should know we also have a daughter.
" [PHONE CHIMES] [PHONE CHIMES] [SHEILA] "Okay"? - What does "okay" mean? - I have no idea.
Okay as in "Okay, you have a daughter, so I won't kill you," or "Okay, you have a daughter, but I'm still going to kill you"? A lack of clarity is unforgivable.
You know that the the post office used to deliver twice a day? That's how much this country once valued communication.
I don't think we need mail twice a day.
That's why they stopped.
I'll propose a truce.
From one parent to another.
I hope it works.
He may not trust a monster.
I hate that he said that to you.
That's not what you are.
You know that, right? I know.
Sheila I know.
[PHONE CHIMES] "Bro, relax, I'm going to their house at five to handle things.
" [PHONE CHIMES] "How's Hawaii? Getting lei'd?" Hawaii? Did he mean to send this to his brother? Fuck! A man is coming to our house at five to kill me.
An ex-sniper who shot a moth with a crossbow, from 15 feet away.
And unlike everybody else we've gone up against, Tommy knows to go for my brain.
Your brain.
That's the only way he can kill you.
If we can protect your brain, you can't be hurt.
That's right.
From the neck down, you can do anything you want with me.
- Did you just go to a sex place? - I did.
According to Locksmith Diva, It's impossible to pick that padlock without an $85 lock picking kit available only at locksmithdiva.
Make Locks Your Bitch says the same thing.
Only their kit is $130.
We don't have time to wait for a kit anyways.
We gotta to get that C4 out now.
Here's another one, loxlinks.
Maybe they have some tips.
Ah - Okay, it's a different kind of locks.
- [LISA LAUGHS] Wow, that's a really good price for smoked fish.
- Eric - You're right.
- It's probably not real nova.
- No.
That's what the server said.
I know.
So to this day, I'm still not allowed in any Benihana in Southern California.
- Even though you only hurt yourself? - Well I ruined a lot of food.
- That's the FBI agent.
- Shit! She's taking her to the bedroom.
Hey, Mom! Oh, hey, cuties.
This is Special Agent Rogers.
I think you've met my son Eric, and this is his girlfriend, Abby.
Oh! Yes, right, Abby.
Eric mentioned you were with him the night of the explosion.
- So what brings you to our upstairs hallway? Well, I heard at the Sheriff's substation Dan had a closet full of police gear and your mom offered to let me take a look.
Cool, cool.
So, the closet's right in here.
Let's start a fire.
- I'm not starting a fire.
- Start a fire! Hang on, Mom! Don't you need a search warrant? I mean, we have nothing to hide, but it is in the Bill of Rights, and who are we to question the wisdom of the founding fathers? Madison, Jefferson - Franklin.
- Hamilton.
Actually, Hamilton was opposed to the Bill of Rights.
Really? - Oh, yeah, really.
- She doesn't need a search warrant.
She just wants to see what's in Dan's old closet.
I don't mind.
This is it.
Like I said, Dan took everything when he left.
Now, I just keep my jewelry locked in here.
And this is the only place Dan kept things? I'm looking specifically for C4.
It kind of looks like clay.
I've never seen anything like that.
You mind if I take a quick look around the house? There's nothing else to see, Agent Rogers.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to be getting to my Pilates class, because I'm newly single and suddenly everyone else is 24.
- Oh, my God! - Oh, my God! What What just happened? My mom must have gotten rid of Dan's stuff.
- Why? Does she know what we did? - I don't know.
Oh, thank God, we're okay.
[SIGHS] By the way what the fuck does it matter what Hamilton thought of the Bill of Rights? Well, it was an early flash point in the conflict between Federalists and anti-Federalists.
You're right, it doesn't matter.
What did you two do? I'll tell you what you did.
You blew up that fracking site with Dan's C4.
- How did you - I figured out that you weren't dating.
I wanted to believe it, but I can tell when two people have had sex and you haven't.
Maybe one awkward kiss, though neither of you is to trust.
But that's it.
- Well - So I start thinking why would you lie? What could you have been doing that night in the desert? And then Anne told me about the fracking explosion.
- I can explain, I - Save it.
Then she told me the FBI is investigating.
So, to protect you two idiots, I got rid of all of Dan's military crap and his C4.
Mom thank you so much.
Don't thank me.
[SCOFFS] I don't want you to go to jail, but that does not make what you did okay.
And you.
Do your parents know about this? No.
You need to go home right now and tell them, or I will.
[SIGHS] I hate being Serious Mom.
Don't you ever put me in this position again.
[CHUCKLES] You don't like it? I'm not even sure what it is.
It's an antique diving helmet.
I got it at the army-navy surplus store.
It's impenetrable.
Perfect thing to protect you.
- Huh - Wow I thought it was such a good idea.
Like, I was excited about it the whole drive home.
Oh, sweetie, it is a good idea.
No, you think it's stupid.
I'm putting it on.
I can return it.
- Totally up to you.
- [DOOR CLOSES] - [ABBY] Hey, are you guys home? - Shit! Tommy could be here any minute.
Whoa, new pants, Dad? Your father got me this very nice helmet.
I need to talk to you guys about something.
Honey, this is a bad time.
We need you to Eric and I are the ones that blew up the fracking site.
What? You blew up the fracking site? How'd you even - We used the C4 found in Dan's closet.
- [SHEILA] Oh, my God! What were you thinking? You could have gotten yourself killed.
How could you do something so crazy? Eric knew what he was doing, and it didn't feel crazy to me.
It It felt important.
Like I was doing something that could actually make a difference.
I understand wanting to make a difference, but it was reckless and what if you had gotten caught? We didn't.
Although, on the subject of getting caught Oh, Jesus, what? Nothing.
An FBI agent is investigating, and she's interviewing kids at school and showing up at their homes.
For instance, Eric's, just now.
Fuck! Abby, that's not nothing.
There is a talking head in our basement, and human teeth in my purse.
We can't have an FBI agent snooping around.
Your mother's right.
You put the whole family at risk.
[DOORBELL RINGS] - Shit! - What? Nothing.
You need to go.
- Out the back.
- Hurry.
It's nothing.
Go! [SIGHS] Honey? You forgot your helmet.
Oh! Did I? Thank you.
It's not Tommy.
Sheila and Joel Hammond? I'm Special Agent Rogers with the FBI.
- Hello! - Hello! Sorry to come over unannounced like this.
Hope I'm not intruding.
- No.
- Not at all.
We're just going to stand in the doorway.
How rude.
Come in, please.
Okay, this is fine.
I'm sure Abby told you about the investigation at school? - Of course.
- Ages ago.
Well, I was just next door and thought if she's home, I could ask her a few questions.
Oh, Abby's not here.
And won't be for several hours.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't realize you had company.
Is everything okay? Tommy! You old kitchen hound! This is Special Agent Rogers with the FBI.
- Howdy.
- Hi.
Well I'll get out of your hair.
Wait! Why don't you stay? Abby will be home any minute.
I thought you said she'd be several hours? - Teenagers.
- It's such a hot day.
Why don't we all have ice cream while we wait? There's pistachio in the freezer.
Not anymore.
Really? I got that yesterday.
It's been a stressful week.
- It was a quart.
- I know.
There's an excellent creamery over on Marisol, Agent Rogers, if you wanna leave and get yourself a scoop.
We also have fruit.
And I believe there's one taco left.
Ice cream does sound good.
Thank you for the recommendation, Tommy.
I'll catch Abby at school.
Sorry to bother you.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING] [GRUNTS] [SCREAMS] Oh, God! Tell my daughter I love her! Open your eyes.
I'm not going to kill you.
- You aren't? - No.
Despite what you may think, I'm not a monster and I'm not going to leave Hayden without her father.
[SIGHS] But you're undead.
So what? Everybody's something.
Yes, I eat people.
Only bad ones.
I'm also a person with a family.
And like anyone else I'm just trying to survive and get home to them at the end of the day.
She is a wonderful wife, mother, friend.
She volunteers with the elderly.
She once gave away a pizza to a guy at the bottom of the freeway.
A whole pizza? No, not a whole pizza, but definitely enough for my lunch the next day.
I know you're trying to make the world a better place.
So am I.
I thought killing the undead was gonna be different.
I thought it'd be more "yeah" and less "aw.
" Don't blame yourself.
I thought the same thing when I sat down to eat a quart of ice cream.
This is all my brother's fault.
This was his sacred task, not mine.
I don't even know why I agreed to do this.
God damn it! I see a man who's trying to get his brother's approval.
But I also see a man who doesn't have to do that anymore.
- Is it me? - Hell, yeah.
You're capable of great things, Tommy.
But only if you do what you want to do.
Screw my brother.
I'm gonna live my own life.
I'm going to go to culinary school or sail around the world or become a doula or work in a bird store.
You don't have to decide right now.
You're right.
But I think it's gonna be the bird store.
Awesome choice.
Thanks, Sheila.
I'm really glad I met you.
Goodbye, Joelle.
I need my crossbow.
- No.
- It was $600.
- No.
- Okay.
We did it! We're safe! No more Tommy and I got a free crossbow.
Which you can only play with outside.
The way you inspired Tommy and gave Trish hope I don't want you to hold yourself back.
If you wanna help people, go as big as you want.
Thank you.
I was going to anyway, but I love having your support.
- He's texting from the basement? He really mastered that Alexa and iPad.
There's no better time in history to not have a body.
Lisa? I just wanted to come by and let you know I told my parents everything.
They must be freaking out.
I mean, I was married to Dan.
I've seen it all.
[CHUCKLES] Your parents are not used to this kind of crazy shit.
Well, I appreciate what you did.
- And I'm really sorry.
- Abby Honey, you know I adore you.
And I know that you adore my son.
But what you did that night That boy is the center of my world, and if anything ever happened to him, I do not know what I would do.
I need you to promise me that you will never do anything that would take him away from me.
I promise.
I heard a commotion.
Are you guys okay? We're fine.
A man tried to kill us, but now he's following his dream to sell birds.
So, your text said there was a problem? Well first, the good news.
We're getting a couple of offers on the house you showed yesterday.
- Ah.
That's great.
- Fantastic.
- And the problem? - There was an incident.
Earlier today, I heard someone in the kitchen.
I thought it was Joel, so I called out.
And he came downstairs.
It turns out it was your friend, Ron.
He broke into the house to bring you that cake.
- Ron saw you? - He asked me to bite him.
- Oh, shit! - I said, "Absolutely not.
" - Good.
- Then he told me a joke.
And when I laughed, he stuck his finger in my mouth and punched down on my head like a stapler.
Oh, my God! You bit Ron? I'm fine! Thanks for asking.
He's been in and out of mental institutions his whole life, and now he's roaming the streets undead.
It's not great.
But, he's kind of a loner, so maybe he'll keep to himself.
I'm undead! [LAUGHS] Lattes for everyone! Heads up.
Someone made a mess in there.
Give me some of that sugar, baby Give me some of that sugar I don't want your Wine or liquor, babe Your sugar makes me feel better [VOCALIZING] Your blue eyes And a candy smile Oh, it made me feel Like I was just a little child Stop me, baby Oh, and won't you stay awhile? Oh, melting in his arms I knew that he was just my style Singing Give me some of that sugar, baby Give me some of that sugar Don't want your wine or liquor, babe Your sugar makes me feel better Give me some of that sugar, baby Give me some of that sugar Take me to your sugar house Let's find a sweetness together [VOCALIZING] Take me to your sugar house Let's find a sweetness together