Santa Clarita Diet (2017) s03e06 Episode Script

The Chicken and the Pear

1 [THEME SONG PLAYING] Any luck finding Ron? Oh.
You're eating cake right out of the box.
That's not a good sign.
- I could be celebrating a victory.
- Are you? No.
He's not at his apartment.
He's not returning my calls.
He's very frustrating.
Although, this cake he left us yesterday is exquisite.
There's a liqueur I can't figure out.
- So what are you gonna do? - Amaretto.
- No.
- [PHONE CHIMES] Shit.
I set n alert for Ron when he posts on social media so I can track him.
Look at this.
"Yesterday celebrating my new beginning.
I am undead! For real!" Jesus Christ.
We have to stop him, or he's gonna expose us all.
Then there's Tommy.
He left the Knights of Serbia, but someone's gonna take his place and come looking for you.
And we haven't even dealt with Abby and the fracking site.
I feel like shit's getting away from us.
Kahlua.
There you go.
See? You're starting to figure things out.
It's not Kahlua.
Oh, baby.
Well, don't worry about things with Abby.
- I'm dealing with it.
- Yeah? I took her phone away this morning as part of her punishment.
God, I'm so glad I wasn't here.
Oh, she was asleep.
I'm not stupid.
I'm also taking her with me to deliver food to my Meals-on-Wheels woman.
Perfect.
That lady sounded horrible.
Ha! Suck it, Abby! That part's not punishment.
Abby wants to make a big impact on the world.
I get that.
But I wanna show her that she can do it in a smaller, less violent way.
Oh That's so much better parenting than my "Suck it, Abby!" [DOORBELL RINGS] You go see who that is, I'll go talk to our daughter.
[ABBY] Where the fuck is my phone? Or, I'll go see who that is, and you go talk No take backs.
Damn it.
I'm not giving you your crossbow back.
That's not why I'm here.
I have something you need to know.
I want my crossbow.
What did I just say? Fine.
We'll put a pin in it.
- [DOOR CLOSES] - First thing, I had a really great interview at a bird store, so you might be getting a call as a reference.
You tried to kill my wife yesterday.
It would be great if you didn't mention that.
Would've been great if you didn't try to kill her.
And how much have you told the Knights about Sheila, anyway? I haven't told them anything, Mister Grumpy.
Here.
I just came to give you this.
It's all the information I have on Sheila.
And when the Knights find my replacement, you do not want that falling into their hands.
Jesus.
So there is gonna be someone else coming for her? Yeah.
And you tried to take away my crossbow.
It's my crossbow! Would be if you could find it, but you can't, so it's mine.
Real mature.
Anyway, the Knights are pissed at me about quitting, so they might be trying to cut my arms off for a while.
So I have to lay low.
Tell Sheila I said hi.
Oh.
And if I get that job at the bird store and you guys want a parrot, there's one that keeps screaming, "Fuck you, David," I could get a discount on.
- Hang on.
- $200.
No How would one go about becoming your Knights of Serbia replacement? [THEME SONG PLAYING] Well, Abby was less than excited about the Meals-on-Wheels idea.
It's definitely harder to parent her when she's awake.
What is all this stuff? Tommy left it all for me.
I'm gonna apply to be his replacement in the Knights of Serbia.
- Really? - I know it sounds crazy.
But if I'm the knight in this area, I can just keep filing reports saying there's no undead here.
It's the best way to keep you safe.
- Joel - Honey.
With everything going on, I've been feeling a little helpless.
This is a chance for me to do something, take some control.
I was going to say that I think it is a fantastic idea.
- You do? - Mm-hmm.
And FYI, thinking of you as a knight is really greasing my engine.
Cool.
Mm All I have to do is fill out this application Tommy left and videotape myself doing a series of trials to prove my worthiness.
Mm, you've proven your worthiness on video before.
Then send it to the Grand Knight Prior.
I'd like to send you to my Grand Knight Prior.
Honey, I hate to throw sand in the engine because I love the engine.
It takes me places, but I'm not a knight yet.
There may be other applicants and all of them are gonna want to kill you.
I promise we'll have tons of medieval sex later.
Yeah, we will.
[SHEILA CHUCKLES] Come on.
Let's go punish Abby by teaching her never to be daring and live obediently in her pen with the other lobotomized sheep.
What is this? I'm hoping to join an ancient order of knights that hunt the undead so I can protect your mother.
- I wanna do that.
- No! It could be violent and dangerous, and the exact opposite of what we want for you.
When I was little, you said I could grow up to be anything I wanted, and I want to be someone who gets to use this sweet ass knife.
I mean, come on.
Come on.
Your mother's right.
We don't want you involved in this.
The only tools you'll be using today are patience and empathy.
Agh.
Oh, cool, is this what we're playing with today? Wait.
Why does Eric get to be a part of this and I don't? Eric gets to be a part of this 'cause Eric doesn't wanna be a part of it.
Okay, let's go.
It'll be fun.
My Meals-on-Wheels lady could be your link to the Golden Age of radio.
Fuck.
Fuck it.
Let's get this over with.
I know you're not happy about being here, but it's important for you to learn that a simple act of kindness can blow more people away than any bomb ever could.
Were you working on that the whole ride over? Well, you weren't talking to me.
How long is this gonna take? We're here to make a connection, which might take time.
Jean can be a little prickly.
Maybe she just doesn't like you.
You can be a little overwhelming.
Really? Why don't you call me on the phone and tell me that? Oh, wait.
You can't because you don't have a phone.
You see what I mean? [JEAN] It's open.
Come in.
Hi, Jean.
Good morning.
Oh! Who is this pretty girl you brought with you today? Jean, this is my daughter, Abby.
Hi.
How are you? Well, I'm better now.
Aren't you a breath of fresh air? Huh Oh, I guess you were right.
So, Jean, what are you reading? [MOCKINGLY] "So, Jean, what are you reading?" - What? - "What?" I guess it wasn't just me.
Well played.
Lunch looks great today, Jean.
Now, I hope you brought your appetite.
Oh, where? From the bedroom to this goddamn chair? Why'd she dragged you over here? You being punished for something? Not at all.
I'm just trying to teach Abby how rewarding it can be to help others.
Oh, isn't that great? I love being a prop in other people's lives.
[SIGHS] Why don't we open a window and get you that breath of fresh air you were talking about? [SHEILA] It's stuck.
So what did you do, huh? Take drugs? Are you a drug addict? [JEAN] No, you're a thief.
You have the eyes of a thief.
[SHEILA] Jean, honey.
You can say whatever you want about me but not about my daughter.
Okay? [SHEILA] And by the way, my daughter is a thoughtful young woman who has my mother's eyes.
Yeah.
She probably stole them from her while she was sleeping.
- What the fuck is your problem? - Whoa, Mom! Nice language.
No wonder your daughter's a mess.
[SCOFFS] You're lucky I couldn't get that window open, because I'd have balled you up and pushed you out of it.
You know what? Get out of my house, both of you! Get out no Oh! - Oh! - Oh, my God, did you kill her? No.
Jean! Did I kill you? Ah.
Pills! Which ones? The round ones, you clot.
They're all round, you turd.
I'm learning so much about kindness today.
[ERIC] Okay.
To be a Knight of Serbia you have to prove your mastery of these tasks.
It's called the Trials of the Ancients.
They're tests of skill and intelligence.
The Serbian text is over 500 years old.
But 100 years ago, someone translated it into English.
Then 97 years ago, someone rewrote that with nicer handwriting.
Then 92 years ago, for our blind friends - [PHONE CHIMES] - This is fascinating, but hang on.
- Shit.
- What? I was hoping it was an alert about this guy Ron I'm trying to find.
But instead, I just didn't get tickets to Hamilton.
Oh, my God, it's amazing.
Goosebumps.
[SIGHS] So, the trials.
Right.
Okay, there 12 of them.
This one says you have to dig a murder hole.
What's a murder hole? Is it like a regular hole? Hopefully.
It just says it has to be four cubits deep, and you cannot enlist the aid of a serf or oxen.
No problem.
I've been digging so many graves, I'm in the best shape of my life.
I can even eat cake for breakfast.
This is fun.
Uh-huh.
Listen, there's another reason I asked you over today.
- I wanna talk to you about something.
- Anything, man.
Bring it.
Okay.
I know Abby's a strong-willed girl who's around a lot of craziness, but you're a responsible guy.
So, maybe next time she wants to do something like blow up a fracking site, you could be a voice of reason rather than an accomplice.
Oh.
Well, I mean, I tried to stop her, but she was gonna do it anyways.
Then you should have come to us.
As her friend, there are gonna be things you see that we don't.
I know you care about her but I'm just disappointed you didn't step up.
Oh, God.
You're right.
I failed my friend.
And I failed my Joel.
I mean, Joel.
- You, I failed you.
- Wait a minute.
I didn't fail you? No, you did.
But, I'm thinking Friends.
Ron has friends.
I'll message his online contacts and see if any of 'em know where he is.
Great.
I hope I didn't hurt your feelings.
Me? [SCOFFS] No.
I'm stronger than that, Joel.
A lot stronger.
Now let's stop talking about our fucking feelings and do this fucking thing, man.
All right? Whoo! Can I hold that for you? You've done enough already.
Why don't you clean up all the pills you spilled while you were trying to figure out what round means? [ABBY SIGHS] Do you wanna sip that water or do you want it all over your lap? 'Cause I can help either way.
Mm-hmm She's got some mouth on her, your mother.
It's the teeth you really have to worry about.
So what are all these pills for? One of them makes my kidneys work.
One of them makes my heart not stop.
One of them makes me crave potatoes, but I sure hope it does something else.
I would take the potato one recreationally.
Make a night of it.
I also have a disease that supposedly only cats get.
That would explain all your hissing.
Nice.
You remind me of my daughter.
She's also in her 40s.
Nice.
Is this her? Uh-huh.
- She's beautiful.
- Mm-hmm.
She lives in London.
She's finally going to have a baby.
A little girl.
They've already picked out a name.
Annabelle.
I love that.
That was one of my top choices for this one.
But then, my ex-best friend stole it and gave it to her horse.
When is she due? In a few months.
I've always wanted to be a grandmother.
My doctor says I won't make it till then.
I'm sorry, Jean.
I don't know how to fix any of that.
Me, neither.
But I could help with your potato craving.
Go get you some French fries? Oh, that would taste so good after the dog meat your mother brought me.
It was wild caught salmon with a miso glaze, but whatever.
She's all right, that one.
I like her.
I'm sorry you're so sick.
Yeah.
I haven't exactly been the best person in the world.
Universe doesn't owe me any favors.
But I'd give anything to hold my granddaughter just once before I die.
You were right, Jean.
I did start coming here to feel better about myself.
I was hoping to find more purpose.
[CHUCKLES] And did you? Maybe.
What if I could take your pain away and help you live long enough to meet your granddaughter? [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING] ["BURNING HEART" PLAYING] Hi.
I'm Joel Hammond, and I want to be a Knight of Serbia to protect my family, my country, and my species that I love so much.
I will now execute trial number one.
Tumbling man throws sharp object.
In the burning heart Just about to burst - There's a quest for answers - [SHORT SHOUT] An unquenchable thirst Again, I'm Joel Hammond.
The unmistakable fire [ERIC] They call it the beast with two fronts.
I think it's some kind of military tactic? "Defend your companion while besieged on all sides, as if by the undead or rats roused to hunger.
" I don't think I would have thrived in the Middle Ages.
They shit in the streets, Joel.
It was a terrible time.
[SHORT SHOUT] In the burning heart Just about to burst [SHORT SHOUT] There's a quest for answers - An unquenchable thirst - [SHORT SHOUTS] - In the darkest night - [SHORT SHOUT] - [SHORT SHOUT] - Rising like a spire [SHORT SHOUT] In the burning heart - [SHORT SHOUT] - The unmistakable fire [JOEL] Hey! No! Hello, stop that! Dude! [JOEL] Maybe they mistranslated this one.
I don't think so.
Why would they want me to stick a pear into a raw chicken? "With level hand and speed of a gnat.
" Maybe it's a recipe for a quick meal before battle.
Although, it takes a while to cook a chicken.
It just doesn't add up.
It could be a metaphor.
The butchered chicken lays no eggs, but the pear tree bears fruit even in winter.
Life inside death and both ultimately consumed by man.
Maybe chickens were smaller and cooked faster back then.
Maybe.
In the burning heart Ready? Just about to burst - In the burning heart - [ERIC] Three, two, one Go! Joel Hammond.
This application's pretty outdated.
There's like five questions trying to trick you into admitting you have leprosy.
"When did you first find out you had leprosy? Did your father also have leprosy? In which leper colony do you currently reside?" Oh, wait.
It says this whole page is for lepers only.
That makes sense.
All righty.
Just a few more questions.
Then I'll scan this, cut together the video, and you can send it off to the Knights.
- Hey, Eric? - Yes, Joel? - Thanks for all your help today.
- Of course, Joel.
Listen, I was too hard on you earlier about Abby.
I've been a little stressed lately.
Feeling like things are out of control, but that's not your fault.
You step up for this family all the time.
And believe me, I know how hard it is to keep someone safe who wants to do big things.
It really is.
Being around someone like that is also pretty exciting.
I wouldn't trade it for the world.
Me neither, buddy.
Wild horses, man.
We can't tame 'em.
- How much more of this do you need? - I'm good.
Okay.
Few more things Um Huh - They want information on Abby.
- Why? It looks like in order to be a Knight of Serbia, your first born has to swear to become your heir.
So if anything were to happen to you Abby would have to take your place.
Abby? [DOOR OPENS] - [ABBY SIGHS] - [SHEILA] Hey, guys.
- Hey, how'd it go? - Mom fixed me! Okay, okay.
I did, but fine.
Cling to your sarcasm.
I actually liked Jean.
Watching her was like a MasterClass in getting under Mom's skin.
I could've kept hanging out.
Jean fell asleep while Abby was getting French fries, and I didn't want to wake her, so that's that.
- How'd it go with you guys? - Mostly okay.
Joel touched me.
Excuse me? Okay.
I realize how that could be misinterpreted.
I consented.
It's not getting better.
I mean, we had a productive day and then a nice talk, which was capped with a paternal side hug.
Did you get through all the trials? Yeah.
You wanna see some footage of your dad falling backwards into his own murder hole? I've been home for 15 seconds.
Why is this the first I'm hearing of this? So something came up with Jean today.
Turns out she's a lot sicker than I realized.
Oh, that's sad.
I'm glad Abby connected with her.
Yeah, it was great to see.
But I kept wishing there was something more I could do for Jean.
Of course, you must have.
But you did a lot, and not just for Jean.
You showed Abby the importance of an act of kindness.
Exactly.
Because when you're able to help someone, you should do it.
Don't you think? Right.
Instead of running around doing something impulsive and crazy that could totally fuck up our lives forever.
Yeah.
Dad? Some guy named Morgan just messaged you.
He says Ron's been at his house all day.
Oh, that's Ron's friend that I reached out to.
This guy's place is right over on Riverview.
The city's planting trees on that street.
Oh.
Well, his property value is about to skyrocket.
Hmm.
Let's get over there and talk to Ron.
I'll get the serum.
And, in case he's already gone feral I'll bring the hammer knife.
And in case Morgan wants to sell his house - some business cards.
- Can I come? Absolutely not.
Again, this is what we don't want for you.
Yeah.
We'll handle this.
Are you sure you can? Because I just saw a video of you throwing your arms up and yelling, "Finished," before falling backwards into a hole.
I did that on purpose.
When we play it in reverse, it's gonna look like I can jump super high.
Let's go.
But then you'd be saying "denishif.
" Do you guys want some more tea? The hibiscus is from my grandmother's garden.
It's delicious, but I'm good.
Just wondering where Ron is? You and me both.
He said he was just gonna move his car.
But that was like a half hour ago.
How's he been acting lately? Pretty weird.
I mean, he's always been weird, but now he's running around claiming to be undead.
[BOTH LAUGH] - Undead? - That's funny.
That's not funny.
He's a very troubled man.
His wife just died a few weeks ago.
No, you're right.
That's not funny.
No, I was just gonna say.
It's terrible.
I am starting to worry.
I wonder if I should call his doctor or the police.
I don't think we need to do that.
Whoa! Don't leave the room for 30 minutes around this guy.
- He'll call the authorities.
- Yeah.
That's crazy.
Maybe I am overreacting.
You know what? I'll just call some friends and see if anyone's heard from him.
Do you guys want anything? - We're good.
- Do you have cookies? Do I? Do I? Let me check.
He offered, and this is usually the time I eat cookies.
I didn't say anything.
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING] Morgan seems nice.
I wonder what kind of cookies he has.
I'm hoping it's mint Milanos.
Are you stress eating again? Don't worry.
We're gonna find Ron.
It's not about Ron.
Something came up about the Knights of Serbia.
You're not gonna like it.
What is it? If I'm gonna be a knight, Abby has to swear an oath to replace me if I die.
- Whoa.
- I know.
But I was thinking Tommy quit.
Maybe when Abby's time comes, she could just quit, too.
Although, full disclosure Tommy thinks the Knights wanna cut off his arms.
Well, then, no.
Why are we even talking about this? 'Cause maybe we can make it work.
Figure out a way she can get out of it.
Honey, even if Abby got to keep her arms, she'd never wanna quit.
You saw the way she looked at those weapons, how bad she wants to be a part of this world.
If she swears that oath, she'll be in this forever.
But if we don't let her do it, I won't become a knight and I won't be able to protect you from them.
Joel, I saw a side of Abby today that was beautiful and compassionate.
I want that path for her.
She could be a therapist or a doctor or one of those super insightful hairdressers, where it's not really about the hair.
That's not why you go there.
You're right.
We can't risk her future.
Thank you.
Maybe, we could adopt a full grown man and make him my heir.
No we'll just grow to love him, too.
So no one's heard from Ron, but he left a note on my dry erase board you guys should really take a look at.
[KNOCK ON DOOR] That might be Ron.
Might not be.
You guys wanna look at the note? So, you're not gonna open it? Fine.
- Hello.
- Abby! Hi! You must be Morgan.
I'm Abby, their daughter.
- Hi, Abby.
- What are you doing here? I brought Morgan cupcakes to thank him for helping us find Ron.
By the way, Dad? Your laptop pinged and I saw Ron posted something.
He's been at a skate park all day.
What? Why didn't I get a Oh, there it is.
Didn't you say that Ron was here all day? You did say that.
Why don't we all have a cupcake? They smell delicious.
Sure, I'd love one.
I'm really, really hungry.
Shoot.
I just vacuumed in here.
We should eat them all in the kitchen.
I'll go in first and then call you in, one at a time 'cause it's a small kitchen.
Morgan, we're not going into your kitchen.
Abby, go wait for us outside.
- Fuck, no! - All right.
Let's stay calm.
Wait, nobody move.
Where are my glasses? Oh, that's right.
I left them in my satchel.
I'll go get them.
And again nobody move.
You know what? All my life I've been neat and polite, and I'm sick of it.
[BONES CRACK] I'm gonna disembowel all three of you right here on my beautiful hardwood floors.
[SHEILA] Morgan, let's talk about this.
Mom! Shit! Ah! Ah! [GRUNTING] The pear in the chicken.
Now it makes sense.
[GRUNTS] Oh, my God, Abby! [WHISPERS] You killed him.
He was going to kill you.
You could have just called us You took my phone away.
- You could've used a landline.
- I don't know your number.
You don't know my number? What's my number? - Three - No.
[SIGHS] Abby this is not what we want for you.
I saved your lives! You didn't even know this guy was undead until I showed up! And what about what I want? I want to be a knight with Dad.
Eric told me.
He has to have an heir.
No.
You're 16.
This has already gone too far.
[JOEL] Shit! What? Why was Morgan undead? If Ron attacked him, why didn't he eat him? Look.
That's barely a nibble.
Ron only wanted to turn him.
He intentionally spread the virus to someone.
Why would anyone do that? It could start an undead pandemic.
Yeah.
This complicates a lot of things.
We have to stop him.
[ABBY] Yeah, we do.
- You're not gonna be Knight of Serbia! - God damn it, Abby! ["CAN'T DO IT FOR MYSELF" PLAYING] Like a penny tossed for me I'm busted Chose a man as he jumps From Golden Gate Basic rules are breaking down Darling, I feel broke Don't give me the needle Oh, I can't do it for myself You know my solution Sweet absolution I can't do it for myself For myself