Santa Clarita Diet (2017) s03e08 Episode Script


1 - [ERIC] You sure that's the right key? - [ABBY] I got it, I got it.
[DOOR OPENS] I really hope this works and I don't get arrested.
I have my interview with the MI admissions woman tomorrow, and I really don't want her to be my one phone call.
This will work.
And you're gonna crush that MIT interview.
If you don't wear the bow tie.
I'm absolutely wearing the bow tie.
It's collegiate.
Dress for the job you want.
Thought I put a detonator in here.
I think the bow tie is just something you can control.
These are stressful times.
We're planting evidence to frame Bob.
My parents are detonating his remains at a fracking site.
And so your mind takes the figurative noose around your neck and turns it into a silk ribbon that can be loosened with a single tug.
Mine's a clip-on.
Speaking of stressful times, how are you feeling about that guy you killed? I mean, I know you said it was fine because he was undead, but still.
He was a guy.
That you killed with a knife into his brain.
Actually, it hasn't been great.
I didn't sleep well last night.
I kept having this dream.
Replaying what happened in my head over and over.
Yeah? Yeah.
I'm in the car racing over to Morgan's place.
And I burst through the door just as he is attacking my parents.
So I reach for my knife, to try and kill him and I can't find it.
And then suddenly I'm underwater and I wake up, struggling to breathe.
That must be terrifying.
I once had a dream that Neil deGrasse Tyson called me an asshole and I had to sleep with the light on for a week.
[SCOFFS] Abby, if you ever have another nightmare like that, you can always call me, you know.
[PHONE CHIMES] It's my mom.
She says they're headed home.
How'd it go? She said medium.
Medium? Mom? Dad? Where are you guys? [SHEILA] We're in the kitchen! So the C4 worked? [SHEILA] Oh, yeah.
And everybody's Oh, fuck me! Oh, so Thriller! What happened to your arm? You're probably wondering what happened to your mother's arm.
- What's with Dad? - I'll say! Look at it.
It was a big explosion.
His ears are still ringing.
But you were 500 feet away when you hit the detonator, right? We were juggling a lot of details, you know? Wires, distances.
Some of Bob leaked out onto your dad's favorite Pumas [LOUDLY] which I told him he shouldn't have worn, but he says they're lucky.
I'm not sure I'm catching everything.
Maybe Abby can help you put my arm back in the socket.
It's a two-man operation.
You wanna line it up or shove it in? I'll do whatever you think I'm saying right now.
Shove it is.
This is what woozy boys do.
- [CRACKING] - I'll line it up.
Push until you hear a pop.
On three.
One two [THEME SONG PLAYING] Three! - [POP] - [GROANS] Ah Ah Ah Good as new! Thanks, guys.
Okay! That was gross as fuck.
Well, it's 3:00 a.
and I just reattached a part of my mother.
So I'm gonna call it a night.
Thanks for your help earlier.
Of course, my phone's always on.
Yeah, good night, collaborators.
Um Remember when you told me Joel told me to try to keep an eye out for Abby, and something came up.
What is it? Don't tell her I told you this but I think she's been having trouble dealing with killing that guy.
She's been having nightmares.
Oh, no.
Poor Abby.
Thanks for letting us know, and don't worry.
We won't tell her.
What was that about? I'll tell you later.
What do you think I just said? The potato? [SIGHS] We've exposed her to so much violence.
Of course she has problems.
I know.
I feel terrible.
Oh, I was talking to myself.
I didn't know you could hear me.
Warm shower really helped.
What are we gonna do? I don't know.
She keeps saying she's fine.
I wish she could go to therapy, but there's so much she can't talk about.
It isn't fair.
Where do murderers go for help? I think a lot of them don't get the help they need.
I know we try to keep her out of what we do but she's so strong-willed.
We have to get at better protecting her.
Set firmer boundaries.
Yeah, like tomorrow.
Are we still kidnapping Ron? Oh, shit.
I'm gonna be so tired.
I hope we don't have to chase him.
We can't let Abby know what we're doing or she'll wanna come with us.
Although, if we did have to chase Ron, it'd be nice to have a third person.
And she's so fast.
She'd have him face down and hog tied in 15 seconds.
We wouldn't even have to get out of the car.
- No.
- No.
We're not bringing her.
How are we capturing Ron anyway? After the skatepark, he's not going to trust us.
Maybe somehow we could lure him to the house? Yeah.
The serum.
What? We can tell him if he's gonna turn people, at least let us give him a vial of serum so his friends don't go feral.
That's a great idea.
We tie him up, drag him down to the basement, and keep him there until he understands he can't just go around biting people.
Sounds like a lot of work.
Maybe we just shoot him in the mouth? Ugh Yeah.
I didn't love it.
["IT'S A GOOD DAY" PLAYING] Yes, it's a good day For singin' a song And it's a good day for movin' along Yes, it's a good day How can anything go wrong? It's a good day From morning till night Yes, it's a good day For curing your ills Hey, buddy.
Mama brought you breakfast.
Thin sliced.
Just how you like it.
You know you gotta get goin' If you're gonna make a showin' And you've got the right of way Can you say "Mama"? Mama.
Oh, man.
That's not our vegetable peeler, is it? Of course not.
This is from my special drawer.
Wait, which one is your special drawer? Well, that's on you.
I'm gonna run over to Jean's and give her Bob's ears.
If you hear from Ron, let me know and I'll come home right away.
Jean knows she can't leave the house, right? - That was part of your deal? - Yeah.
She stays inside, eats what I bring her, won't kill anyone.
She promised.
So? I promised not to use your hairbrush anymore.
And then I never started using it again, but she might not be as honest as me.
You know that Knights of Serbia group that hunts people like Mom and you didn't join for some fucking reason? Yes.
To protect you.
Also, language.
All right.
Well, they couldn't find someone for this area.
So now the head of the whole effing organization is flying out here to handle it her effing self.
So we're all effed in the A.
That was worse.
That's like watching Scarface on TBS.
How do you know all this? 'Cause Tommy texted you and you left your phone at the top of the stairs? Shit! The Grand Knight Prior.
Tommy told me she became their leader because she tracked and killed the last known undead person in North America.
That's not good.
Although, it is nice to see a woman make it to the top of a male-dominated field.
I agree.
So, then, Dad should be a Knight of Serbia, I'll be his heir and one day, I'll be the woman running that shit.
You're not gonna be my heir.
That's right.
In fact we're setting boundaries.
Starting now.
[PHONE CHIMES] It's from Ron.
He says he'll be by at two to get the serum.
Give me that.
How're you gonna stop him from turning people? Do you have a plan? We're not discussing it.
This is a boundary moment.
'Cause I have some ideas.
- No.
- What are they? No.
Go to school.
She does not let up.
I know, but no matter how hard it is, we have to hold the line.
We can be firm.
Remember that time she wanted a guinea pig and we said no and then we got it for her? Let's just do the first half of that.
I'm gonna go see Jean.
I'll get things ready here.
I was thinking Ron might object to elements of the kidnapping process.
So I should wear some kind of padding he can't bite through.
Like towels.
Just don't use the good towels.
Of course.
I'll use the blue ones? - No.
- The green ones? - No.
- The beach towels? We just got those.
You know what? I'll just use rags.
Fine, just don't use the good rags.
Are you going to that MIT thing today? My interview? Yeah, why? Can I get a ride? To my interview? Yeah, why? Because I also have an interview.
You know, just because I have a shitty attitude doesn't mean I can't create an algorithm for coordinating recycling pickups among the limited neighborhood user base.
No, but statistically, it does make it less likely.
Wait So how come I've never seen you in any of my math classes? I take them at the college.
Huh And there you have it.
Is Winter younger than me? I think so.
Why? No goddamn reason.
How are you? Did you sleep okay last night? You're very sweet.
We're not checking in with Abby every time we see her.
Got it.
I'm not your dad.
Although, I am dad material.
You don't need to keep telling me that.
Also, let's not talk about parents.
I'm kind of annoyed with mine right now.
Okay, enough said.
No more parent talk.
It's just they're planning something weird with Ron and they won't let me help, which is a mistake, because they literally blew themselves up last night.
Huh We could cut out early and see what they're up to? That is, unless our plan didn't work and Agent Rogers shows up to arrest me.
Oh, God.
I summoned her.
[BOTH] Agent Rogers.
I was just telling Principal Novak that there's been a development in our investigation.
Which means That even though you gave one of the most dreadful, self-incriminating interviews I've ever been a part of you're no longer a suspect.
So you found out who actually blew up the fracking site? We have a suspect, but we're still trying to put all the pieces together.
Right now, the guy's a little scatterbrained.
[CHUCKLES] I know that doesn't make sense to you, but it cracked a lot of people up this morning.
Anyway, your government thanks you for your cooperation.
Have some Skittles.
- Oh, my God! We did it, it worked! - I'm not going to jail! I'm a free man! My future's unwritten! I'm gonna eat all these at once.
I've never done that before.
That was a mistake.
But I have the freedom to make mistakes.
I'll deal with my parents today.
You've been around enough of our craziness lately.
Just take a day off.
Call your mom, tell her you're off the hook and go get yourself into MIT.
That's probably for the best.
I need some time to rethink my interview outfit anyways.
You tried on the bow tie, huh? I look like a child weatherman.
All right, Jean.
Here's your pain medication.
Oh, yippee.
Can I have it with a bourbon back? I have to say, you are looking great today.
I love what you're doing with your hair.
Aw, thanks.
I'm trying this new thing where I wash it.
Hi, Jean.
I brought your lunch.
Oh, hello.
I'm Amanda, I'm Jean's caregiver.
What'd you bring our girl today? Oh, sorry.
I can only open it for clients.
It's a Meals on Wheels policy.
I'm also not allowed to date Jean.
I get it.
I'm not allowed to wear hoop earrings, even though they add a lot of fun to everyone's day.
Well I will see you next week, Jean.
Yeah, if I'm still alive.
[AMANDA SCOFFS] You! Oh, my God! I feel incredible! Whoa.
Jesus Christ! I know, isn't it great? Oh, look at me.
I haven't moved like this in years.
Oh, Sheila, thank you.
Thank you for this gift.
And where's my Abby today? Oh, my husband and I are trying to keep her out of our undead antics.
Which isn't easy, because she's disturbingly good at planning, committing and covering up crimes.
I'm gonna knit her a hat.
Are you ready for the first meal of your new life? Please.
It's ears.
Crunchy and salty.
The onion rings of the human body.
Mmm Right? Whoa.
[SHEILA CHUCKLES] I'm tasting it, and not just in my mouth.
That's the tingle, my friend.
Well, I have a very busy day, so unless there's anything else you need.
Oh, no, no.
I'm good, you go ahead.
I've got lots to do.
I'm going to organize my kitchen, do a little yoga.
And later I'm gonna invite my landlord over for tea, so I can kill him.
What? No! Jean, we had an agreement.
I bring you food, you don't attack anyone, and you don't put up a fuss when we kill you in three months.
He's trying to evict me by saying I'm not paying my rent and he's cashing my checks every month.
I'm not going to put up with his bullshit any longer! And besides, he's got ears like LBJ.
Jean, no.
You promised you wouldn't kill anyone.
You're gonna have to work this out calmly and civilly.
[SCOFFS] That's how you got these? Calmly and civilly? Hey.
I made you.
That'll work.
[DOORBELL RINGS] Shit! Joel was that you briefly blocking the light of the peephole and then saying "shit"? Ron! You're early! Three hours.
It's inexcusable.
But I wanted to catch you off guard, in case this was a trap.
Oh, I'm kidding.
Yeah, no.
My friend Andre wants me to turn him today so I thought I'd stop by early and pick up the serum.
If this is a bad time, I could turn him first and come back.
No, no.
Please, sit.
I'll get the serum.
Make yourself comfortable.
Put your feet up, let your guard down.
I'll just be a minute.
Hm Hey, Joel? Question.
Is there a Fanning sister named Ishmael? It fits, but it sounds odd.
What are you doing? Getting a turkey out of the oven.
[JOEL] Goddammit! What are they doing? It looks like they are capturing a man who does not wish to be captured.
If Joel Hammond is searching for the undead, perhaps that man is undead.
We should tell Mr.
No, no, no.
First, we must be certain he is undead.
Poplovic does not tolerate mistakes.
Remember the sandwich incident? I was so certain he wanted mayonnaise and not mustard.
The man is not forgiving.
How long do you plan on keeping me in this wretched underground dungeon? - Forever! - Gary.
He forced me to bite him, Joel.
It was humiliating.
Come on.
Try it again, big man.
I can still spit.
[GARY] Get over here! I will fucking drench you! If I'm going to be your prisoner, I'd like to request a different dungeon.
You're not a prisoner, and this isn't a dungeon.
We are hosting you in our downstairs guest suite, until we can convince you that turning people is bad.
Forever! Gary! You break the rules, you suffer the consequences, dude.
Plus, my mom was chained up down here and she never complained.
Looks like she tried to chew her way through the post.
That doesn't feel like a five-star review.
Maybe she likes the taste of wood, shithead.
- Oh! - Abby.
What? That's what guards call prisoners.
He's not a prisoner.
- Forever! - All right! Gary, you're going in the linen closet.
And you, upstairs and do your homework.
Seriously? Another boundary moment? You never would have caught him without me.
Actually, I taught you how to tackle.
So, in a way, you never would have caught him without me.
Wow, fragile masculinity much? Upstairs.
And take Gary with you.
Keep pushing me away.
But what you guys do affects me and I've earned the right to be part of it.
[GARY] Can we watch Moulin Rouge on the big TV? We've seen it, like, eight times.
- It's good.
- Nothing is that good.
I like to dance to "La Marmalade".
Your potty mouth daughter has a point, Joel.
Please, let's not.
Let me tell you a story.
When I was a kid, my parents also tried to keep me out of the family business.
They owned a candy store.
- This is not gonna line up at all.
- Every day I wanted to go there and help them, but they would say, "No, Ron.
Ruffins Chocolate Factory and Amusement Emporium is no place for a child.
" - I was right.
- The point is the reason they excluded me from their world, that I might taste a piece of candy.
That was arbitrary to me as your exclusion does to Abby.
We're keeping her away from murder and mayhem.
Your parents should have been investigated by the state.
No offense.
I'm sure they were lovely.
All I know is excluding a child from what you do as a family can affect them for the rest of their life.
I'm not saying all my problems were caused by bad parenting but five therapists have said exactly that.
God, it is such a beautiful day.
You know what I feel like doing? Sticking my head out the window and biting the wind.
I mean, it seems crazy, but a million dogs can't be wrong.
Right? Somebody's in a good mood.
You know, I've been going through some stuff but I got great news today and now it's nothing but blue skies with a side of fries.
Oh, watch out.
That's right.
'Cause here I come.
No, watch out.
It's a red light.
- [TIRES SHRIEK] - [CAR HORN BLARES] Sorry! You okay? Yeah.
Something rolled out from under the seat.
It's a detonator.
What? No.
That's part of the seat, so you can just put it back.
Eric, I'm applying to MIT.
I know what a detonator looks like.
Well why'd you bring a detonator with you? Now shit makes sense.
Abby throwing your backpack away, then trying to make me think that was a part of some fucked-up game.
And this? You and Abby blew up the fracking site.
Jean come and sit down.
Come on, help me go through your bank records.
If you really wanna nail your landlord for ripping you off, this is the way to do it.
Look at him down there, watering plants like he's not a thief! I get it.
When I turned, I wanted to kill the first person I saw.
And I did, actually so that's not a great story.
I'm sorry.
You know, people my age usually have kids who look after them, but, oh, no my daughter had to move to London so she could send me shitty English biscuits once a year on my birthday.
Bank records.
First thing I noticed is you buy a fuck ton of slippers.
I give them as gifts.
Okay, no, I don't.
I have a problem.
And also there's a lot of checks here made out to cash.
Cash? Why would she do that? - Who? - Amanda.
She helps me fill out my checks.
I've been too sick to do it myself.
Jean I don't think it's your landlord who's scamming you.
[DOOR OPENS] Oh! You're still here! I forgot my sweater.
Or did you just come over for me to sign more checks, Amanda? Or should I call you "cash"? What? Oh, Jean.
She gets a little bit confused after she's had her pills.
[JEAN] Don't move.
I wanna get a good look at those onion rings on the side of your head.
[SHEILA] Jean We're being civil, remember? Thief! I gave you slippers! No, you didn't.
No, I didn't.
[SHEILA] Amanda we know you took Jean's money.
We have the bank records to prove it.
So you just need to reimburse her.
Actually I don't need to do anything.
Amanda, come on.
We know you made a mistake.
And mistakes are just opportunities to learn how to do the right thing.
Thank you, Mary Poppins.
But you can save your bullshit.
And there is nothing you can do.
I always make the checks out to cash.
I use a fake ID.
There's no paper trail.
I'm really starting to not like you.
Oh, no! Does that mean you're not gonna sign my yearbook? Oh, good, Amanda.
Just keep talking like that.
These people don't do anything with their money.
And nobody cares about them enough to even notice.
Look at Jean.
I mean, her daughter hates her so much, she moved all the way to London just to get away from her.
- Oh! - That's a terrible thing to say! Uh-oh.
I've upset the volunteer and the half-dead lady.
Actually Jean's completely dead, and so am I.
What? [SCREAMING] I couldn't.
You know we don't gain weight.
[SCOFFS] Give me that.
You know, Jean Don't listen to Amanda when she says those things about your daughter.
You could taste in her gallbladder how bitter she was.
She wasn't wrong.
I did drive my daughter away.
- Jean, why would you say that? - 'Cause it's true.
When she was young, she loved to paint.
She wanted to be an artist.
She was so smart.
I wanted her to be a lawyer.
So she did the smart thing.
She became an artist.
Very far away from me.
But things are okay now.
And when she has the baby, she's coming to visit.
They're better.
But I'll never get those years back.
A little advice about Abby? Yeah? If I were you I'd listen to her, when she tells you who she is.
Thanks, Jean.
You know, this? What's happening here? This should be an ad for Meals on Wheels.
I got your text.
You got Ron down in the basement without me? Yeah.
He showed up early.
And it got a little crazy.
He ran down the street, and Don't be mad Abby took him down.
And then, I tripped on a sprinkler head and fell on top of him.
A contribution which should not be underestimated.
- So Abby is - She's fine.
And I made it very clear that in spite of her being skilled, intelligent and fearless her help is not welcome.
How was your day? Jean and I solved the mystery of who's been stealing her money and Don't be mad.
We killed that person.
- You and Jean killed? - I didn't get mad about your thing.
Should have let you go first.
Jean made an interesting point about Abby.
Maybe she's going to be who she's going to be, and we should stop fighting her about it.
Abby made a similar point about Abby.
Maybe we need to rethink this.
Rethink what? Can I guess? If I guess everything, am I close? Actually, we're talking about including you more.
So I get to be a Knight of Serbia? Hang on.
We know this is what you want, and that you're good at it.
But we also know that it's taking a toll on you.
- I'm fine.
- You're not fine.
We know about the nightmares.
What? One of my powers is that if I touch your forehead while you're sleeping, I can see your dreams.
Fucking Eric told you.
But he's worried about you, like we are.
I know you don't wanna talk about it, but killing that undead guy was a traumatic experience.
That's why you're having those nightmares.
No, it's not a nightmare about killing someone.
It's about feeling helpless.
In the dream, I am trying to save you guys, and I don't make it in time.
And that's what wakes me up at night.
I know you wanna protect me by keeping me in the dark, but it just makes me more afraid.
By the way, the fracking explosion worked.
Everyone's off the hook.
What? Really? We did it! - Eric's not going to jail? - Yeah.
That means Trish isn't, either.
Thank God.
I know.
It's great.
And you know why it worked? Because we did it together.
Love you, guys.
- Wow.
- I know.
I think she just told us who she is.
- You sure you want this? - Fuck, yeah! Agreeing to be a Knight of Serbia is a big responsibility.
It has to be a calm and measured decision.
- Fuck, yeah.
- We're a team now.
We have to check in with each other.
No going off and doing things that might endanger all of us.
I won't.
I promise.
And, this means you have to clean your room more often.
You're overreaching.
Go ahead.
Do the honors.
[JOEL SIGHS] All right.
Close it up.
And send it off.
I wonder how long it'll take to hear back.
It's an ancient organization, honey.
Who knows how quickly they'll [NOTIFICATION PING] "Application received.
The Grand Knight Prior will contact you shortly for a home visit.
" A home visit? They're coming here? We have a head in the linen closet and a chained-up guest in our basement.
I gotta scrub the freezer and clean out all the Bobsicles.
Someone needs to clean my room.
It's disgusting.
I'm kidding, I'll do it.
Listen, this is important.
If the Grand Knight Prior is coming here, we have to make sure there is nothing in this house that gives us away.
I try my best to forget All the pictures in my head Of your smile And the way That your heart drew my attention to Oh, I'm not crazy I'm just crazy about you Trying to be strong But it's hard not to get My heart involved I play it all But my eyes tell it all You're all I want Oh, I'm not crazy I'm just crazy about you Oh, I'm not crazy I'm just crazy about you.