Santa Clarita Diet (2017) s03e09 Episode Script


[DOOR OPENS] Good morning, Ron.
How was your breakfast? Delicious.
Since I turned, I normally just eat scrambled legs.
Because, get it? You gave him a knife? And a fork.
It's how Ron prefers to eat.
Sheila is messy and sexy, and I'm neat and petite.
We're all God's children, Joel.
So, listen, we need to gag you and tie your hands behind your back.
What? I have an interview this morning with the Grand Prior of the Knights of Serbia, and she can't know there's an undead person in our basement.
Or she might slaughter us with her broadsword.
And while I always saw myself dying at home, it was peacefully in bed, not slipping on my own guts trying to get to the phone.
[SHEILA] But, good news.
We'll be gagging you with this napkin, which is made out of 100% pure Irish linen.
Ooh, soft.
- Uh - Lucky! Hey, here's an idea.
What if you unchain me and I get out of your hair for a few hours? You're stressed, I'm stressed.
I think a break would do us all some good.
You wanna go meet your Reddit friend Andre who you were planning on turning yesterday, right? No.
Because even though I promised to bite him, you have made me realize how bad that is.
And so, I will break my promise.
Now, let me go and I promise I'll come back this afternoon.
We can't let you leave until we're convinced you're not gonna go run around biting every weirdo you meet on the internet.
It's reckless, and it makes all of us undead look bad.
- Put your wrists together.
- [SIGHS] Don't you think it's odd that you're trying to join an organization dedicated to killing the undead, even though you're married to one? If I don't become a Knight, someone else will be hunting Sheila.
This way, she'll be safe.
Still seems problematic.
If you want my opinion Sorry.
We're kind of in a rush.
Weren't these napkins a wedding gift from your grandmother? I think so.
Why? I just realized this is the first time we've used them.
Aw [THEME MUSIC PLAYING] [SUSPENSE MUSIC PLAYING] [ABBY] So what's our strategy for this meeting? [SHEILA] Well, we welcome her in, make a good impression.
And then those of us who go to school will go to school.
Seriously? You said I was part of the team now.
You are part of the team, honey, but you still have to graduate.
Knights with high school diplomas make a lot more than Knights without high school diplomas.
[DOOR BELL RINGS] - [GASPS] She's here.
- Now, remember.
She rose to the top of an ancient organization that prides itself in killing people like your mother.
This woman is dangerous.
Equally important.
Don't treat Abby like a child, and embarrass her in front of this badass who could be her mentor in badassery.
You're already a badass.
But, I'm sorry, I have to get this out of my system.
[BABY TALK] Oh, you're so cute and I'm just so proud of you! All right, everybody.
Let's go.
Can I help you? I'm Petra Blazek, Grand Prior of the Knights of Serbia.
We have an appointment.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm Joel Hammond.
With the sun behind you, I [CLEARS THROAT] Hey, come on in.
Don't worry.
This happens all the time.
People hear "Grand Knight Prior" and they expect a six-foot warrior princess riding a horse and swinging a burning skull.
But me? I like comfortable shoes and a four-door sedan.
Well, I'm Sheila.
This is our daughter Abby.
- Hello.
- Come, sit.
Abby, the heir-apparent.
Have you ever had a real Milwaukee peanut butter fudge bar? No.
I have not.
Well, if Mom and Dad say it's okay, then we're going to change that.
Is it just for kids or [PETRA] I swear I always say I'm gonna get organized, but I never do.
[PETRA] Yeah.
Here it is.
What is that? [PETRA] Oh, the corker? Love this thing.
It dates back to 17th century Dubrovnik.
First, you restrain your zombie.
Then, you clamp its head tight between these doohickeys.
Then Hello! You pull its brains right out.
It's very effective.
I like this one.
Feels good in my hand.
That's one of my favorites.
You know how they say, "In one ear and out the other?" This turns that from an expression into instructions.
All right, Abby.
Time for school.
Mom, I don't wanna go to school.
I wanna stay here and try the corker on a cantaloupe.
I could run out and get us one, but you, young lady, need to be on your way.
It was nice to meet you, Miss Blazek.
My father would make an excellent Knight of Serbia.
And when the time comes, I too will prove myself worthy.
But I must now go to school.
I will return at four with a cantaloupe.
Should you and the corker still be here that would be sick.
[OPENS DOOR] I like her.
She shows the fire of a young woman who could, one day, make a very fine Guardian of the Living World.
But let's talk about you, Joel.
I was going to take over this position myself, but your video was impressive.
- Thank you.
- My concern is the last two Knights in this region have abandoned their post.
I just wanna make sure you have what it takes to fight a soulless, bloodthirsty zombie.
That's funny.
That's the second time you've used that word, "zombie.
" Which isn't a problem.
Sheila just loves counting words.
No, it just perpetuates stereotypes.
[SCOFFS] That the undead are nothing more than B-movie killing machines.
Some of them might be very nice.
Nice? I don't understand.
She means like serial killers can be nice.
Then you let your guard down and pow! They serial-kill you.
Good point, honey.
So How do we make me a Knight of Serbia, Petra? As I was saying, my concern is Killing isn't easy.
Means getting your hands dirty.
Our last Knight, Tommy, was a marine sniper.
You're a realtor.
A realtor who thinks zombies are a blight on this world and wants to take that corker and decant their brains.
Really? You feeling big? You seem to have a problem with this, Sheila.
I'm just not into unnecessary violence.
Against anybody, living or otherwise.
Well, we need our Knights to have a supportive family, especially right now.
We believe we have an outbreak in Santa Clarita.
There are too many signs.
- Oh, shit! - I know.
Right in your own town.
We just need to find hard proof, concrete evidence and when we do the Knights will take action.
You and me see eye-to-eye, Petra.
I wanna show you something in the other room.
Believe me.
I think you'll find it worth your while.
Are you intrigued? You should be.
[JOEL] It's right this way.
Am I looking into the ocean or are your eyes really that blue? Ooh! Woman overboard.
Ball Legs! [CLICKS TONGUE] [JOEL] Everything okay in there? [SIGHS] I got you, you naughty little fucker.
We're good! Something bad happened.
I love that I never get a moment's peace.
Seriously, I'm not being sarcastic.
I get bored easily.
What's up? Remember when we were at that Bob guy's house planting evidence, and I couldn't find the detonator? It was in my car.
Not a big deal.
After school, we'll get rid of it.
No, Winter found it.
She put everything together.
She knows we blew up the fracking site.
Abby, what if she tells someone? I mean, we barely know this woman.
Shit! What did she say? I don't remember, I panicked.
I started rambling about owls, geodes and how the International Astronomical Union keeps jerking Pluto around.
Jesus, you should have just crashed the car.
I know.
And I was so freaked out, I tanked my MIT interview.
I smiled like an idiot, and answered every question with, "Absotively, positutely.
" It was charming, maybe the first time? - No, it was never charming.
- Okay.
I'll talk to Winter.
You straighten out the MIT thing.
No, I should talk to Winter with you.
I was there.
You going alone to explain it away makes us look even more guilty.
You need to get your life back on track, and I am not letting this stuff fuck it up.
This is about your future, Eric.
When did you get so maternal? It's from taking care of my parents.
I call them "the twins," and they're taking years off my life.
It's a hammer and a knife.
I wanted you to see it 'cause I thought you'd appreciate it.
It came to me in a dream.
I'm a bit of a dreamer.
I'm impressed.
You took two things from different worlds and saw how well they fit together.
Speaking of things that go well together, what about me and the Knights of Serbia? [SHEILA] Sorry! It was a spider.
I dealt with it, and now it's sleeping.
What did I miss? Well, I was just about to tell Joel that before I can make a decision on his Knighthood, I need to send him on a mission to prove his worthiness.
A mission? Two weeks ago, we got reports of someone in the area looking for Serbian bile.
Then a week later, we heard about infected clams.
Now, a man who goes by the name of Ron Ruffin I'm sorry, I'm throwing a lot at you.
Should I slow down? No, no, we're following you.
This Ron Ruffin is claiming on Reddit to be a zombie and offering to turn people.
Based on details in his post, he could be the real deal.
We need to find him before he causes trouble.
[PANTING] What a mystery.
He could be anywhere.
I'm going to stake out Ron's apartment.
He's been communicating with a Reddit user named Andre.
I need you to find out if Ron has turned him, and if he has kill Andre and bring me his head.
Or his spine.
Or an arm.
You know, whatever's easy.
I'm gonna handle this so fast, you'll think I started it last week.
Love that energy.
Well, I'm off.
But first, I'll get you Andre's file.
And maybe help myself to a slice of that beautiful coffee cake no one's offered me.
There's cake, plates, and a serving knife.
Do the math, bitch.
I know you don't like this, but the new Knight is either gonna be me or Petra.
And if you don't like how she asked for cake, imagine her coming after you with the corker.
Let her try.
Unlike a cantaloupe, I'll eat her face.
We just have to put up with her until I complete my mission.
Which is already done, because Ron didn't bite that guy, because Ron is in our basement, because we are geniuses.
Oh, shit! Boy! Ron must have really wanted out of here, because this post is not a fun eat.
There's no way fixing this is gonna be under $1,000.
No! You can't get a contractor to come over and take a shit in your house for under $1,000.
He's probably on his way to turn Andre.
God damn him! This behavior is exactly why the Knights think the undead are so irresponsible.
We have to get to Andre before Ron does.
Now I really do have a mission.
Wait Are we just gonna leave it like that? - What do you propose? - I don't know.
We can lift up the mattress and wedge it in Oh, fuck it.
Let's just go.
- Winter! - Abigail.
So, Eric mentioned that you found something in his car - and got confused and maybe thought - Abby.
I know it was a detonator.
Please don't lie to me.
It's not gonna make me think it's something else.
It's just gonna make me think, "Oh, this girl, who could have been my friend, lies to me.
" Well, this no longer feels like a hallway conversation.
Eric and I blew up the fracking site.
And I know that was over-the-top, but these people were just gonna fuck up the environment, make their money and move on.
We had to do something to stop them.
I mean, really do something.
Abby, I'm not going to tell anyone.
I meant what I said to that FBI agent.
What you guys did was awesome.
You fucking went for it.
Hey, what are you doing later? I had a thing with a cantaloupe, but what's up? There's a bar where I sometimes do open mics.
The last time I was there, my guitar got stolen.
I'm pretty sure it was this sleazebag manager.
- That's terrible.
- Right? My dad gave it to me, so I really wanna get it back.
I'm going there tonight.
I could use some backup, if you and Eric are free.
Sure, I'll go with you.
What about Eric? Yeah, I really wanna keep him away from stuff like this.
I don't wanna screw up his life more than I already have.
Okay, so you and me, then.
Seven o'clock? Cool.
I lost my fake ID at a rave.
So that was pretty wild, and my fake ID guy is out of town.
You have never been to a bar and you don't have a fake ID.
Is that what you're trying to say? Oh, no.
That's what I was trying not to say.
I just spoke to Winter, everything's fine.
Oh, thank God.
And I reached the MIT woman.
She said I could have a do-over interview next month.
That's awesome.
Wanna grab some pizza tonight and jinx our victories by daring to celebrate them? Oh, I can't.
I made plans with Winter.
Cool, cool.
Would your evening be enhanced, I wonder, by the presence of a male escort? Sorry, I mean a boyfriend.
A guy friend.
Damn you, English language, you un-precise mongrel! Actually, she asked me to help with this thing, and it's probably best if she and I do it alone.
That's fine.
No problem.
- You should've just said you had plans.
- I did.
Then no one's feelings should be hurt.
We could get breakfast tomorrow.
Kind of feels like a pity meal but, - if you're buying - I'm not.
I'll still come.
God, I hope Ron didn't beat us here.
I know.
I don't wanna have another zom Somebody to deal with, who happens to be undead.
For a second, I thought you were gonna say "zombie," but you didn't.
You said "zombody," which is different.
You've accidentally said hurtful things to me.
But I can't think of any right now, because I don't use them against you.
- Hello Andre? - Hi! Indeed.
I am Dr.
Troy Vernon, and this is Dr.
Helen St.
We're Ron Ruffin's psychiatrists.
Has Ron been by today? Ron? I don't believe so.
May the other Troy and I come in? We need to talk to you about something very important.
I guess.
I mean, I don't have a choice, right? You guys are doctors.
That is correct.
It has come to our attention that Ron is claiming he can bite people, and make them undead.
Unfortunately, Ron is off his medication and experiencing delusions.
And while there's no such thing as undead, a human bite should be avoided, as it can lead to many real diseases.
Tetanus, hepatitis, droop-eye, more.
Thank you for warning me.
Now, if you don't mind, I'm actually not feeling very well.
- Really.
What's the matter? - My stomach's just feeling off.
I'm sorry, you need to go.
[THROWING UP] Shit! We're too late.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING OVER STEREO] How is this happening? Is this bar somehow in Europe? I've been performing here for a while.
So they let it slide.
That is so cool.
This is so cool.
You've never had whiskey before, have you? Tastes like cough syrup that's been sitting in a lawnmower.
I'd rather have a Shirley Temple with extra cherries.
Then I think of all the other underage kids who can't get into bars, and I don't wanna let them down.
[WINTER] There he is.
[ABBY] All right.
We're just going to walk over there and tell him you need your guitar back.
Don't be nervous.
I'm not nervous.
Oh, sorry.
I'm used to doing this stuff with someone who needs to take a deep breath before stepping on an escalator.
Let's do it.
All right.
Hey, Dustin, cool hemp necklace.
Where the hell is my guitar? Not this again.
I don't have your stupid guitar.
[WINTER SCOFFS] You and I were the only people in the green room after my set Friday.
I left for five minutes.
And when I came back you and guitar were gone.
Dude, it was a gift from her dad.
Don't be an asshole.
Rise above your man bun.
Who the fuck are you? Abby Hammond.
I retrieve guitars.
Maybe you confused it with your shitty guitar.
I'll just go check your office.
- You're not going into my office.
- Oh, so it's in your office? - He says it's in his office.
- I heard.
We'll be right back.
Do you need anything from your office? You know what? Get out of my bar.
You're underage, you shouldn't be here anyway.
Are you kidding? I play here every week.
Not anymore, you don't.
Now you're just a kid without a guitar.
Yeah? Well, now you're just the manager of a bar without maraschino cherries.
That guy is such a dick.
Right? How's your Shirley Temple? It's a fucking revelation, but I'm still pissed.
I'm gonna come back tomorrow, break in, and get my guitar.
I'm in.
Really? That was fast.
It was.
If we're gonna keep doing shit like this together, maybe one of us should worry more.
I wouldn't worry about it.
[KNOCKING] Andre, open the door.
Are you okay? If you're dead, you should come out so we can talk about it.
What do you think? He threw up for 20 minutes.
[SIGHS] How did Ron beat us here? We took the carpool lane.
Maybe he did, too.
But he's just one person.
Maybe he did anyway.
But that's a $491 ticket.
This is why we have to stop him.
He's out of control! I'm gonna break the door down see if Andre needs to be stabbed in the head.
Hang on.
Obviously, I'll confirm he's undead first.
Still, hang on.
Just because he's undead doesn't mean he deserves to die.
Or is that how you think now that you're suckling off of Petra's bigoted teat? First of all yikes.
And, I just think a lot of undead roaming the streets could lead to problems.
For instance Farmers' markets selling actual farmers.
And I'm just saying that we research living people to find out if they're bad before we kill them.
Shouldn't we give the same courtesy to the undead? No! They eat people.
So do I, Joel.
But I'm also much more than that.
And no matter how much good I'm doing, is that all you're ever gonna see? No.
But you're not the same as As what? One of those? A zombie? Maybe Andre is a good person who just wants to do good things.
Nobody deserves to die because of the way they were born.
Or reborn.
Oh You guys are still here.
Andre, how do you feel? I feel great.
And hungry.
Andre, stop! It doesn't have to go this way.
I'm starving.
What did you mean by, "It doesn't have to go this way?" I meant you could've gone that way, up to your loft to get some sleep, or you could've gone that way to the kitchen to get some ginger ale.
We're doctors.
We can't not help people.
Thank you, but I am feeling much better now.
It might have been the raw kombucha that I made in my shed.
So Ron really didn't come by? No.
And I can't believe I almost let another weirdo bite me.
Not even at a concert.
If Ron wasn't here where the hell did he go? Hello, Ronald Richard Ruffin.
Welcome to our chair.
Why did you kidnap me? Who are you? We are nobody.
And everybody.
What? I don't understand.
We believe Joel Hammond is a Knight of Serbia, and that he captured you because you are undead.
No, Joel is becoming a Knight, and yes, I am undead.
What's wrong? It's just We were going to stab you to see if you were alive or dead.
But now Oh, I'm sorry.
I ruined your moment.
Go ahead.
Stab me.
- Whoa! - Whoa! I know, right? We should call Mr.
He will be pleased.
That's what we thought when we bought him those jeans for his birthday.
- True.
- Not even a thank you.
- Bad boss? - You have no idea.
So, what's it like being undead? It's fantastic.
It unlocks you.
You become fearless.
Does it make you feel powerful? It makes you feel however you want to feel.
- Whoa! - Whoa! That sounds exciting.
Janko would you rather call Mr.
Poplovic and spend the rest of your life working for a boss who doesn't value you, or The second one.
We did it.
Andre posted on Reddit that Ron's crazy and no one should let him bite them.
Thank God! He also said the CIA's hoarding crystals to power their psychic warriors.
What would crystals I read it.
It's silly.
It's mostly silly.
You'd think it's silly.
So, send the Reddit post to Petra, she'll think Ron's a phony, and you'll be the next Knight of Serbia.
Actually, I was thinking that maybe I shouldn't be a Knight.
What? Why not? I almost killed someone today because I thought it he was undead.
You're right.
I'm a bigot.
- Honey - No, it's true.
I judge people based on the strength of their pulse, rather than the strength of their character.
I don't wanna join a group that's gonna encourage that in me.
You are exactly the person who should be a Knight of Serbia.
What do you mean? Well, you're self-aware and willing to change, and maybe you're the one who could fix their backwards 13th century bullshit thinking.
Maybe that's your purpose.
I like your version of me.
And you have my word that no matter what I say or do as a Knight I pledge my allegiance only to you.
And I'll do everything in my power to protect you.
And I solemnly vow to fulfill the duties of my Knighthood with unwavering fealty.
[JOEL] I shall vanquish the undead wherever they may be.
On land or sea or ice.
I vow to be vigilant and prepared for battle, at all times.
[JOEL] To face darkness without fear evil without trepidation.
[SPLAT] I pledge to this Knight my steadfast support, no matter the hardship.
Even through loss of limb, organ or hair.
His trials shall be as my own, his enemies my enemies.
[MAN] Hi, may take your order? Would you rather be pulled through a large space slowly or a small space quickly? [MAN] I don't understand And should my time come to serve, I will respect my duties as rightful heir to the Knighthood, observing no holiday from my burdens, save the eve of Saint Swithin's day.
[MAN] You guys want ketchup or mus [SCREAMING] I hereby declare thee Sir Joel, Knight of Serbia.
My brave Knight.
I feel safer already.
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING] What happens next? We should pay a visit to the new Knight of Serbia.
You mean kill him, right? Thought that was implied.
But, yes.