Saturday Night Live (1975) s34e04 Episode Script
Anne Hathaway, The Killers
Good evening, I'm Gwen Ifill.
Welcome to Washington University in St.
Louis Missouri to the 1st and only 2008 Vice Presidential Debate between the Republican nominee, Gov.
Sarah Palin of Alaska, and the Democratic nominee, Joe Biden of Delaware.
Let's welcome the candidates.
- Hey, can I call you, "Joe"? - Of course.
'Cause I practiced a couple of zingers where I call you "Joe"! Tonight's discussion will cover a wide range of topics including domestic and foreign policy matters.
Each candidate will have 90 seconds to respond to a direct question, and then an additional two minutes for rebuttal and follow-up.
As moderator, I will not ask any follow-up questions beyond "Do you agree?" or "Your response?", so as not to appear biased for Barack Obama in light of my new book The Breakthrough: Politics of Race in the Age of Obama, coming out on Inauguration day and available for pre-order on Amazon.
com.
And, finally, we would like to remind our audience that, due to the historically low expectations for Gov.
Palin, were she simply to do an adequate job tonight, and at no point cry, faint, run out of the building or vomit you should consider the debate a tie.
All right, let's begin.
How, as Vice President, would you work to shrink the gap of polarization that has sprung up in Washington? I would do what I have done my whole career, whether it's been dealing with violence against women or putting 100,000 police officers in the streets.
I would reach across the aisle.
Like I've done with so many members of the other party.
Members like John McCain.
Because, look, I love John McCain.
He is one of my dearest friends.
But, at the same time, he's also dangerously unbalanced.
Let's be frank, John McCain - and again, this is a man I would take a bullet for - is bad at his job and mentally unstable.
As my mother would say: "God love him, "but he's a raging maniac.
" And a dear, dear friend.
How will your administration deal with the current financial crisis? First of all, let me say how nice it is to meet Joe Biden.
And, may I say, up close your hair plugs don't look nearly as bad as everyone says.
You know, John McCain and I, we're a couple of mavericks.
And, gosh darnit, we're gonna take that maverick energy right to Washington and we're gonna use it to fix this financial crisis and everything else that's plaguin' this great country of ours.
How will you solve the financial crisis being a maverick? You know, we're gonna take every aspect of the crisis, look at it and then we're gonna ask ourselves, "What would a maverick do in this situation?" And then, you know, we'll do that.
How would your administration address the current financial crisis? Barack Obama and I understand that we need to regulate Wall St.
John McCain voted against Wall Street regulation 41 times.
Let me repeat that.
41 times! And, again, this is a man I love.
If I had to spend the rest of my life on a desert island with only one other person it would be John McCain, no doubt about it.
You should see the way my face lights up when he walks into a room.
But the fact is, John McCain has voted with George Bush 90% of the time.
Let me say that again: time.
Would you like to respond to Sen.
Biden's comments about John McCain? No thank you, but I would like to talk about bein' an outsider.
While Senator Biden has been in Washington all these years, I've been with regular people.
Hockey moms and Joe Six-packs.
I'd also like to give a shout out to the 3rd graders of Gladys Woods Elementary who were so helpful to me in my debate prep.
Also, too, you see, I think a little differently from an insider.
I don't think it's patriotic to pay more taxes.
I don't think it's patriotic to criticize these wars we got goin' on.
I do think it's patriotic to tell the government, "Hey, get outta my way! "Stop tryin' to impose on my right to shoot wolves from a helicopter!" But a Washington insider like Joe Biden probably disagrees.
You know I get a little tired of being told I'm an insider.
I come from Scranton, Pennsylvania.
And that's as hard-scrabble a place as you're gonna find.
I'll show you around some time and you'll see.
It's a hellhole.
An absolute jerkwater of a town.
You couldn't stand to spend a weekend there.
It is just an awful, awful sad place, filled with sad, desperate people with no ambition! Nobody, and I mean nobody, but me, has ever come out of that place.
It's a genetic cesspool.
So don't be telling me I'm part of the Washington elite, because I come from the absolute worst place on Earth: Scranton, Pennsylvania! And Wilmington, Delaware is not much better.
Address your position on global warming and whether or not you think it's man-made or not.
We don't know if this climate change hoozie-what's-it is man-made or if it's just a natural part of the End of Days.
But I'm not gonna talk about that, I would like to talk about taxes, because, with Barack Obama, you're gonna be paying higher taxes.
But not with me and my fellow maverick.
We are not afraid to get maverick-y in there and ruffle feathers and not got to allow that.
And, also, too, the great Ronald Reagan.
The next question is for you, Senator Biden.
Do you support, as they do in Alaska, granting same-sex benefits to couples? I do.
In an Obama-Biden administration, same-sex couples would be guaranteed the same property rights, rights to insurance, and rights of ownership as heterosexual couples.
There will be no distinction.
I repeat, no distinction.
So, to clarify, do you support gay marriage? Absolutely not.
But I do think they should be allowed to visit one another in the hospital.
And, in a lot of ways, that's just as good, if not better.
Would you extend same-sex rights to the entire country? You know, I would be afraid of where that would lead.
I believe marriage is meant to be a sacred institution between two unwilling teenagers.
But don't think I don't tolerate gay people.
Because I do.
I tolerate them with all my heart.
And I know quite a few, too.
Not personally.
But I know of them.
I've seen Ellen.
And there was this one girl on my college basketball team.
She wasn't officially "a gay", but, you know, we were pretty sure.
What is your position on Healthcare regulation? I'm gonna ignore that question and instead talk about Israel.
I love Israel so much.
Bless its heart.
There's a special place for Israel in heaven.
And I know some people are going to say that I'm only saying that to pander to Florida voters, but, from a very young age, my two greatest loves were always Jews and Cuban food.
I would now like to give each of you a chance to make a closing statement.
Are we not doing the talent portion? Sen.
Biden, your closing statement? My goal tonight was a simple one.
To come up here and at no point seem like a condescending, egomaniacal bully.
And I'm gonna be honest, I think I nailed it.
Sure, there were moments when I wanted to say, "This lady is a dummy!" But I didn't! Because Joe Biden is better than that.
I repeat: Joe Biden is better than that.
So to all of the pundits who said I would seem cocky or arrogant you dopes got schooled, Biden-style! I liked to be in here tonight, answering these tough questions without the filter of the mainstream gotcha media with their "follow-up questions", "fact-checking", or incessant need to figure out what your words mean and why ya put them in that order.
I'm happy to be speaking directly to the American people to let them know if you want an outsider who doesn't like politics as usual or pronouncin' the "g" and the end of the words she's sayin', I think you know who to vote for.
And for those Joe Six-packs out there playing a drinking game at home: maverick.
This concludes tonight's debate.
The book drops November 4th, and Live from New York, it's Saturday Night! S.
34 Ep.
04 - 04 Oct.
2008 Anne Hathaway / The Killers Thank you, thank you, thank you! It is great to be here hosting Saturday Night Live! I just had a busy summer.
I did some traveling I've got a new movie out, called Rachel Getting Married.
Also, I broke up with my Italian boyfriend, and, two weeks later, he was sent to prison for fraud.
I mean, we've all been there Am I right, ladies? So, the experience made me feel pretty gullible, and I was ready to swear off dating.
But then I find an amazing new guy.
I feel almost embarrassed to say this, but We met on the Internet.
I usually don't read letters from strangers, but How often do you get e-mail from a Nigerian prince? And he is such a sweetheart.
And, not that it matters, but he is pretty wealthy.
And he wants to know everything about me.
He asked about my family, my friends, and, just yesterday, he asked what my Social Security number was.
How sweet is that! Now, I know what you're all thinking: "Why is Anne Hathaway so "lucky?" I don't know! And yesterday was our one-month anniversary, and I know it's sappy, but, I sent him something I knew he'd love: a mix CD, and $100,000! I feel pretty good about us.
And, who knows, maybe someday you'll be hearing, "And the Oscar goes to me, Princess Oko-Ba-E-Tete.
" We have a great show for you tonight.
The Killers are here! Stick around, we'll be right back! PBS now returns to another mildly enjoyable moment from the Lawrence Welk Show.
Thank you, thank you.
I am sorry to say we have come to that time again, time to say goodnight.
I want to thank all our wonderful guests tonight.
We've enjoyed the beautiful harmonies of the lovely Lennon Sisters, Joe Finni and Guy Holy, the deep baratone of Larry Hooper, the very nice and entertaining accordion sounds of Myron Florin, and the high kicking quick steps of Bobby and Cissy.
Bobby, when are you gonna ask Cissy to marry you? She's ready.
Now, to take us out is a sister act from the Finger Lakes making their wonderful Lawrence Welk Show debut.
Please welcome the Meryl Sisters.
And a one, and a two Sisters do as sisters should We're all together, sisters I'm Janice I'm Holly I'm Nora And I'm Denise Sisters always stick together Even when they fall in love Like with my boyfriend With my husband With my fiancee With my by myself Even though we're a lot alike We enjoy different things I like waterfalls I like butterflies I like rainbows I like chasing cars We've enjoyed our time with you But now we have to run Goodnight Sweet dreams Sleep tight I found a dead cat on the side of the road So I took it home and put some honey on it And I cooked it and then I ate it Is that bad? Denise! Shut up! Thank you, thank you.
Wonderful.
Was her forehead really big, or was I looking through a couple of bubbles? Thank you to our sponsors, Mammouth automobiles, and Clorox facial soap.
Goodnight, and keep the song in your heart.
Next on C-Span: President Bush, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, and Congressman Barney Frank appeared earlier today at a joint press conference to comment on the financial bailout measure just passed by Congress.
Good afternoon.
On Friday, this Congress was able to put aside its differences and come together in a bipartisan spirit to pass legislation that was absolutely vital to ensure world confidence in our financial markets and to prevent a collapse in credit.
Which would have had a catastrophic effect on our economy.
Approving this bill was the right thing to do and I commend our legislators for their actions.
Speaker Pelosi? Thank you, Mr.
President.
I, too, applaud Congress for its vote, and add that, without your help, this bill might well have failed.
Even though this financial crisis was 100% the fault of your administration and it's insane economic policies, and, though I'm sure you'll agree, you will go down in history as our worst president ever.
This one time, you did manage somehow to not screw things up, and I want to acknowledge that.
Thank you, Madam Speaker.
I was glad to do it! Let me add, Mr.
President I was also pleased to see that, for the 1st time in your 8 years in office, and, possibly, your entire life, you were able to demonstrate leadership, not to mention simple human decency.
You bet.
You bet.
Let's not forget, Mr.
President, that it was the Democrats who first sounded the alarm about the risky mortgage loans that Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac were encouraging, and that your party resisted all our efforts to reign them in.
Wait! Wasn't it my administration that warned about the problem 6 years ago? And it was the democrats who refused to listen? Who told you that? That's crazy! It's completely the other way around! Actually, this time he's sort of right.
Don't say anything, he doesn't know.
There was another point we wanted to make here, and, - President, you are welcome to stay.
- Thank you, I'd like that.
Back there would be better.
No problem! In the past few weeks, this debate has focused on the wisdom of government intervention in the housing markets.
What hasn't been talked about is that, behind every home foreclosure, there is a story of real suffering by real Americans.
People who, but for the grace of God, could be you or your neighbors.
And, today, we'd like to introduce you to some of them.
Michael McCune and Jerome Gant, two ordinary Americans whose only crime was to play by the rules, and who now find themselves facing eviction from their homes.
Please tell us your story.
To start, I still don't understand how this happened to me.
I fit all the requirements for a subprime mortgage.
- No credit history - Same here.
- No job.
- Me, neither.
- Minor criminal record - Dit-to.
- Dishonorable discharge from the Army.
- I got mine right here.
- Drug problems.
- Me, too.
- Alcohol problems.
- Guilty as charged.
- Gambling addiction.
- Yeah.
Pregnant girlfriend.
Actually, two pregnant girlfriends.
Just the one.
Anyway, I was talked into a "balloon mortgage", where you move into the house, and then you get to live in it, and you don't have to pay money or anything to the bank, but then, later, you do! What up with that? You could say I'm a double-victim, since I've never had a job, and now I don't have a home! I'm a triple-victim, 'cause I've also been charged with arson, for allegedly setting fire to the house they evicted me from.
You are both in our thoughts.
- Thank you.
- That's nice.
This is Greg Phillips and his wife Judy.
How did the housing market collapse affect you? My wife and I bought two dozen timeshare condos, which we heavily mortgaged in order to flip them 6 months later for triple the purchase price, and then the real estate market tanked.
- And you were doing this through - Misrepresentation.
I meant, did you do this out of your home, or - Out of greed.
- Yes, out of greed.
And then, now, with the real estate market down, you're stuck with two dozen timeshare condos that you can't sell? Unless we sold them for, like, 10% more than we paid.
So, you can't make your mortgage payment? Not without selling the boat or putting off essential cosmetic surgery.
And, who is this? This is Crystal, our surrogate mother.
You see I can't have children without getting bad stretch marks.
You are also in our thoughts and prayers.
This is Herbert and Marion Sandler.
Tell us your story.
My wife and I had a company which aggressively marketed subprime mortgages, and then bundled them as securities to sell to banks such as Wachovia.
Today, our portfolio's worth almost nothing, though, at one point, it was worth close to $19 billion.
My God, I am so sorry! Were you able to sell it for anything? Yes! For $24 billion! So, in that sense, you're not here to speak as actual victims? That would be Wachovia Bank! Actually, we've done quite well.
We're very happy! We were sort of wondering why you asked us to come today.
Anyway, it's delightful to see you, Nancy! And thank you, Congressman Frank, as well as many Republicans, for helping block congressional oversight of our corrupt activities.
Not at all! But let me say something else here: many of you are probably wondering "Where did that $700 billion missing "from our economy go?" And to help answer that, let me introduce our good friend, billionaire Head Funds manager, George Soros.
So, what became of that $700 billion? Basically, it belongs to me now! Actually, it's not even dollars anymore, but Swiss francs, since I have taken a short position against the dollar.
Really? That's not good.
You're not to speak.
I don't like you.
The U.
S.
$ will have to be devalued sometime next week, either Tuesday or Wednesday.
I haven't decided which yet, it would depend on how I feel.
Thank you very much, Mr.
Soros.
You're a great man.
Could I just add that, even though you know what's coming, you won't be able to do anything about it.
You're a wise man, Mr.
Soros, and a powerful one.
You are better than us! Your wife is physically attractive.
Sell her to me, please.
Sure.
We will now leave this press conference and join a discussion of Sen.
McCain's foreign policy positions already in progress, where Gov.
Palin is about to say something embarrassing.
Here's not to going home with you guys tonight? I drink to that.
Tonight's the night! We've been here for like two hours and we still haven't met any women! That's because we're not talking to any.
How about those 3 ladies? I don't know, they've been rolling their eyes at us for the past 30 min.
You know what? I'm gonna break the ice, show you how it's done! I'm gonna do it the "Firm & Jelly" way! When's the last time you smelled Michael Jordan's cologne? Bust it! Bust it! You are so many kinds of wrong right now.
- How did it go? - Not good! Confidence! Ladies like confidence! - Go show'em, Gary! - I'm not going, my self-esteem is at an all-time low ever since I slipped and fell on the dance floor.
That's it.
I'll do it! - I think he's ready.
- All right, remember: - be confident! - You want some tips, man? No, I'm good! - Thanks! - Thank you.
- That was fun.
- That was really fun.
- Your friends are kind of idiots.
- I just hang out with them it makes me look awesome.
- You want to get out of here? - Yeah.
Really? - I'm kidding! - I knew that.
That's our boy! Hey guys, let's dance! Here are tonight's top stories.
The highly anticipated Vice Presidential Debate between Joe Biden and Sarah Palin was held Thursday night and the big winner was whoever you already liked.
During an interview with Katie Couric Tuesday, Sarah Palin said she is not opposed to gay people, adding, "One of my absolute best friends for the last 30 years "happens to be gay and I love her dearly and she doesn't exist.
" O.
J.
Simpson was found guilty Friday on charges of armed robbery, assault and kidnapping but really, murder.
A man in Florida rescued his dog from a shark attack by jumping into the water and punching the shark.
Just think, that dog would be dead today if that man had been a little less drunk.
After a 2 year overhaul, the World War II aircraft carrier "Intrepid" finally arrived back at its dock on Manhattan's west side Thursday, where it was immediately attacked and sunk by Japanese kamikazes.
Panasonic this week unveiled a 150 inch flat-screen TV.
Just in time for no one to afford it.
Good news, everybody.
That house you couldn't pay for? You're paying for it! The House on Friday passed the 700 billion $ Wall Street bailout package.
President Bush then signed the bill into law after consulting with his economic advisors: M.
C.
Hammer, Ed McMahon and Willie Nelson.
Here now, with an analysis of Friday's House vote is Weekend Update Financial Expert, Orville Willis Forte the Fourth.
Thank you Amy, thank you Seth.
Friday's vote on the Bailout Package passed by a margin of 263 to 171.
But that doesn't tell the whole story.
In order to truly understand Friday's events, we need to know who voted how and why.
And I think this song might just explain that.
When Friday's tally was finally counted And that was all she wrote People asked "How did that pass?" "And how did everybody vote?" Jo Bonner, Republican, Yay Terry Everett, Republican, Yay Mike Rogers, Republican, Yay Robert Aderholt, Republican, Nay Bud Cramer, Democrat, Yay Spencer Bachus, Republican, Yay Artur Davis, Democrat, Yay Don Young, Republican, Nay Rick Renzi, Republican, Nay Trent Franks, Republican, Nay John Shadegg, Republican, Yay Ed Pastor, Democrat, Yay Harry Mitchell, Democrat, Yay Jeff Flake, Republican, Nay Mary Landrieu, Democrat, Nay Gabrielle Giffords, Democrat, Yay So that's the 1st sixteen just to get an idea With only 522 left to go So sit back and relax as I go to the rest I think you gonna really enjoy the show Vic Snyder, Democrat, Yay John Boozman, Republican, Yay Mike Ross, Democrat, Yay - Mike Thompson, Democrat, Yay - I'm sorry Will.
Can I just interrupt you for a second? Sure Amy, in fact in a lot of cultures it's polite to interrupt someone when they are singing a song.
We, of course, don't live in one of those cultures but as a courtesy I will assume you were raised in a separate culture from ours, so that you aren't aware of how very, very, very, rude you just were.
Now, what's your question? I'm just a little worried about how long this song might take.
Let me explain to you how Democracy works, as I now know you're not from America but rather some strange backwards country where friends interrupt friends while they're singing.
In America, every citizen is in a District.
And each District as its own representative You know what? Just sing your song.
Thank you.
But don't you dare interrupt me again, Amy Poehler.
From the top! When Friday's tally was finally counted And that was all she wrote People asked "How did that pass?" "And how did everybody vote?" Jo Bonner, Republican, Yay Terry Everett, Republican, Yay Mike Rogers, Republican, Nay Wait! I mean "Yay"! Wait! From the top! When Friday's tally was finally Orville Willis Forte the Fourth everybody! Get out of here! Three Chinese astronauts returned safely to Earth this week after a 68-hour voyage in which they performed an historic spacewalk.
Which was all the more impressive because they did it as a Dragon.
Bruce Springsteen and the E-Street Band will perform at the 2009 Super Bowl halftime show in Tampa, Florida.
Let's just hope this doesn't lead to a wardrobe malfunction revealing Little Steven's "little steven".
Customs officers at the Sao Paulo, Brazil, airport stopped a man who was trying to smuggle 200 birds onto a plane.
He might have gotten away with it, had they not been ostriches.
A 26 year-old former teacher in Nebraska, who fled to Mexico with a 13 year-old boy so she could have sex with him, was sentenced to 6 years in federal prison.
Said the teacher, "How about 12 years in juvie?" Manuel Uribe, the world's heaviest man, announced this week that he will marry his longtime girlfriend.
The couple will honeymoon wherever he currently is.
Manuel Uribe, the world's heaviest man, announced this week that he will marry his longtime girlfriend.
Of course, once he's married, you know he's just gonna let himself go.
Manuel Uribe, the world's heaviest man, announced this week that he will marry his longtime girlfriend.
They will spend their honeymoon attempting to locate his penis.
- Are you done? - I've had my fun and I'm done now.
Alright.
Well, I'm glad.
Manuel Uribe, the world's heaviest man, announced this week that he will marry his longtime girlfriend in an attempt to get cake.
- 20 dollars.
- Thank you.
An art historian believes that the meal eaten in Leonardo da Vinci's Last Supper was not bread or lamb as previously thought, but eel garnished with orange slices.
The historian will present his theory at the upcoming symposium, "Things That Don't Matter.
" Two planes scheduled to land on the Greek isle of Lesbos had to circle for half an hour because an air traffic controller overslept.
Though I'm guessing a lot of activities on the island of Lesbos involve circling for half an hour.
- I'm Seth Meyers.
- I'm Amy Poehler.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious If you say it loud enough, you'll always sound precocious Mary Poppins, that was ever so much fun.
- What a delightful new word.
- It must be the longest word - in the dictionary.
- And the silliest.
What does it mean? What? That doesn't matter.
It's just a silly-billy word.
Now, who wants to ride a magical carousel? I do! But first, please tell us what that word means.
Yes, there must be some kind of working definition.
If you must know, supercalifragilisticexpialidocious is a disease of the liver.
It's very rare and extremely painful.
Goodness! How'd you ever learn a word like that Mary Poppins? I have it.
I have the disease! Is it as fun to have as it is to say? What happens, basically, is that your liver stops producing bile.
Gradually, you lose the ability to break down acids.
And eventually your body just shuts down.
Sure is fun to sing though.
Is it contagious? But only for grown-ups.
What does that mean? How do I explain it? Sometimes when a man and a woman really fancy each other Hello everyone! Bert! Easy, children.
I've got one heck of a stomachache.
It must be your cooking.
We just learned a new word! - How delightful! - It's a disease of the liver! - Mary Poppins has it! - It's spread amongst grown-ups! Is that right? Children, would you excuse us for one moment? What they say, Mary? Do you have something? Don't worry.
You look healthy to me.
Healthy? I've got black lung from sweeping the chimneys, and now you've given me supercalifragi-whatever.
Expialidocious! Shut it! Cheer up.
It's not that bad.
Because Just a spoon full of sugar makes the medicine go down In the most delightful way Sugar.
That'll cure my disease.
Hello guys! - Constable Jones! - Don't come near me.
I'm feeling awfully sick.
Must be your cooking.
So, what's the good word.
Listen, Tommy Supercalifragi-what? Come on, I'll buy you a whiskey.
This has been a very unusual day, Mary Poppins.
I'm a very unusual nanny! I guess I'm in pretty serious denial.
Stay tuned for your local news, on Channel 3.
Sioux city's finest, and America's "Most Youtubed" news team! With lead anchor, Michael Modesto.
A local family has been left homeless A local family has been left homeless for the holidays, after Excuse me! after a fire after a fire that burned down their trail I'm sorry, it's not funny.
Would you stop! Co-anchor, Tanya Mitchell.
Up next, City Councilman Doug Parks faces bribery charges, when we return.
I told you about him, didn't I? Believe me, I have seen it! We're still on the Human Interest reporter, Melanie Moore.
I'm here with Trevor Johnson, who's planning a big, black penis A big block party! Excuse me.
Feature reporter, Christopher Smalls.
If I wanted to take the wife and kids to see some of these critters, what would I'm gay! The only local news team with over 9 million Youtube hits combined! Featuring, Sports Reporter Tom Geneveve.
The Sioux City Bandits are off to a great start this year.
They beat Billings 31 to 30 in overtime, and tomorrow they take on River City.
That figures to be a great game And meteorologist, Andrea St.
James.
Winds have reached speeds of over 80 miles an That was a close one! So many paper cuts! Special Delivery! Tune in and see why more people forward clips of this news team than any other.
Is that guy, Tino Does he still sell weed? What? Sioux City's Channel 3 news team.
Catch them tonight, or any time, on your computer.
Quick.
You've gotta see this.
And now: Mark Wahlberg Talks to Animals.
I'm Mark Wahlberg.
You guys know me.
Let's go talk to some animals.
Hey, dog.
How's it goin'? I like your fur, that looks really great.
So you're a dog, right? What's that all about? It was great to meet you.
Say hi to your mother for me, OK? Now, I'm gonna talk to a donkey.
Hey, donkey.
What's goin' on? You're a donkey, I like that.
You eat apples, right? I produce Entourage.
Talk to you later, donkey.
Now, I'm gonna talk to a chicken.
Hey, chicken.
How's it hangin'? A lot of people wanna eat you, but I just wanna talk to you, OK? We should do a film together, what do you think? I'm not joking around.
This is the real thing, this could be huge! All right, well, think about it.
Say hi to your mother for me, alright? Now, I'm gonna talk to a goat.
Hey, goat.
It's good to see you.
I like your beard.
I had a beard like that in The Perfect Storm.
Did you see that movie? Did you see The Perfect Storm, goat? Say hi to your mother for me, OK? This has been: Mark Wahlberg Talks to Animals.
That's it from the bedroom.
I can't believe I'm really moving out.
It's been an amazing five years! And I will cherish every moment! It seems like only yesterday I responded to your ad on Craigslist.
You know, I only use Craiglist to find anonymous male partners.
Who knew I'd find a best friend, too? And, if I remember correctly, a few anonymous male partners! I'm glad someone's having a good time, while I'm doing all the heavy lifting! - Sorry, Sweetie.
- Sorry, Jerome.
These are the last two.
I promise! Fine.
Say your goodbyes, but you'd better not make my man cry.
I guess this is it! I am going to miss you.
- What are you doing? - Come on, one kiss.
You're gay.
Stop! Actually, I'm not.
What? But Right! Like I'm gonna believe that.
Mister "I Know Every Single Song in A Chorus Line I Have A Boyfriend.
" Come on, look, even the way you talk.
It's not how I really talk.
- What? - It's not how I really talk.
- Oh, my God! - I know.
Busted! I know! What else have you lied about? I'm not really a hairstylist.
But you cut my hair! I got really lucky with that.
You know, I just kinda got good at it.
It's not too hard, actually.
Wait.
When we would dance and you would get erections That was not because of a disease.
I made that up.
But, according to Wikipedia, bonerplasia afflicts No, I know! I wrote that page! That's why it's so conversational in tone, and your name's in it.
But I've walked in on you having sex with - dozens of men.
- You gotta sell it.
If you're gonna lie to someone, for 5 years, you got to sell it! Oh, my God! Does Jerome know? I'm off to rehearse with my Village People cover band.
I told her I wasn't gay.
That's cool.
- I'm gonna split, dude.
- Alright, bro.
- Where are you headed off to? - Rehearse with my Village People cover band.
Good friend.
So you pretended to be gay for five years in the hopes that someday we would kiss? When you say it like that, it's not a great plan, is it? Come on! OK! Stop! Don't you get it, Amber? I mean, don't you see? Being your gay friend was I don't know, the only way I had a chance with you! And, even though, I don't know, nothing ever happened between us, and I had to sleep with somewhere between 30 or 40 dudes I regret nothing! Or maybe 30 of 40 things Kiss today goodbye The sweetness and the sorrow Wish me luck, the same to you But I can't regret What I did for love What I did for Love I don't regret anything, either! It might have been closer to 50 dudes, I think, actually Katy Perry.
This bad girl is taking America by storm with her risky odd sexual free I Kissed A Girl.
I kissed a girl and I liked it The taste of her cherry chapstick I kissed a girl just to try it I hope my boyfriend don't mind it Talk about sexual.
And just when you thought Katy Perry couldn't get any naughtier She didn't.
That's right, it's The Less Provocative Songs Of Katy Perry.
Now, fans of all ages can enjoy that timeless Katy Perry sound.
With family friendly hits like I ate a Snack.
I ate a snack and I liked it It was a Twix with peanut butter I ate a snack with my girlfriend But we didn't do any gay stuff The Less Provocative Songs Of Katy Perry.
'Cause if you take away the blunt sexual overtones, this girl still has plenty to sing about.
I saw a boat and I liked it Believe it or not, they're almost all that good.
Rolling Stone magazine says: This is the only album where you'll find such soon-to-be classics such as I Threw a Ball, I Peeled Some Fruit, I Own A Pen, and the exquisite, I Held a Cat.
I held a cat and I liked it Its fur was soft like the touch of a woman I held a cat in the shower Then I french kissed a female golfer Just ignore that last one.
The Less Provocative Songs Of Katy Perry.
Now available in stores.
Thank you, to the Killers! To Tina Fey! Queen Latifah! The Secret Life of Bees opens October 17th! Rachel Getting Married is in theaters! Thank you to the cast, to the writers, to the crew, to everyone.
Best week of my life! Thank you! Batefer, Boogawanga, So.
snltranscripts.
jt.
org
Welcome to Washington University in St.
Louis Missouri to the 1st and only 2008 Vice Presidential Debate between the Republican nominee, Gov.
Sarah Palin of Alaska, and the Democratic nominee, Joe Biden of Delaware.
Let's welcome the candidates.
- Hey, can I call you, "Joe"? - Of course.
'Cause I practiced a couple of zingers where I call you "Joe"! Tonight's discussion will cover a wide range of topics including domestic and foreign policy matters.
Each candidate will have 90 seconds to respond to a direct question, and then an additional two minutes for rebuttal and follow-up.
As moderator, I will not ask any follow-up questions beyond "Do you agree?" or "Your response?", so as not to appear biased for Barack Obama in light of my new book The Breakthrough: Politics of Race in the Age of Obama, coming out on Inauguration day and available for pre-order on Amazon.
com.
And, finally, we would like to remind our audience that, due to the historically low expectations for Gov.
Palin, were she simply to do an adequate job tonight, and at no point cry, faint, run out of the building or vomit you should consider the debate a tie.
All right, let's begin.
How, as Vice President, would you work to shrink the gap of polarization that has sprung up in Washington? I would do what I have done my whole career, whether it's been dealing with violence against women or putting 100,000 police officers in the streets.
I would reach across the aisle.
Like I've done with so many members of the other party.
Members like John McCain.
Because, look, I love John McCain.
He is one of my dearest friends.
But, at the same time, he's also dangerously unbalanced.
Let's be frank, John McCain - and again, this is a man I would take a bullet for - is bad at his job and mentally unstable.
As my mother would say: "God love him, "but he's a raging maniac.
" And a dear, dear friend.
How will your administration deal with the current financial crisis? First of all, let me say how nice it is to meet Joe Biden.
And, may I say, up close your hair plugs don't look nearly as bad as everyone says.
You know, John McCain and I, we're a couple of mavericks.
And, gosh darnit, we're gonna take that maverick energy right to Washington and we're gonna use it to fix this financial crisis and everything else that's plaguin' this great country of ours.
How will you solve the financial crisis being a maverick? You know, we're gonna take every aspect of the crisis, look at it and then we're gonna ask ourselves, "What would a maverick do in this situation?" And then, you know, we'll do that.
How would your administration address the current financial crisis? Barack Obama and I understand that we need to regulate Wall St.
John McCain voted against Wall Street regulation 41 times.
Let me repeat that.
41 times! And, again, this is a man I love.
If I had to spend the rest of my life on a desert island with only one other person it would be John McCain, no doubt about it.
You should see the way my face lights up when he walks into a room.
But the fact is, John McCain has voted with George Bush 90% of the time.
Let me say that again: time.
Would you like to respond to Sen.
Biden's comments about John McCain? No thank you, but I would like to talk about bein' an outsider.
While Senator Biden has been in Washington all these years, I've been with regular people.
Hockey moms and Joe Six-packs.
I'd also like to give a shout out to the 3rd graders of Gladys Woods Elementary who were so helpful to me in my debate prep.
Also, too, you see, I think a little differently from an insider.
I don't think it's patriotic to pay more taxes.
I don't think it's patriotic to criticize these wars we got goin' on.
I do think it's patriotic to tell the government, "Hey, get outta my way! "Stop tryin' to impose on my right to shoot wolves from a helicopter!" But a Washington insider like Joe Biden probably disagrees.
You know I get a little tired of being told I'm an insider.
I come from Scranton, Pennsylvania.
And that's as hard-scrabble a place as you're gonna find.
I'll show you around some time and you'll see.
It's a hellhole.
An absolute jerkwater of a town.
You couldn't stand to spend a weekend there.
It is just an awful, awful sad place, filled with sad, desperate people with no ambition! Nobody, and I mean nobody, but me, has ever come out of that place.
It's a genetic cesspool.
So don't be telling me I'm part of the Washington elite, because I come from the absolute worst place on Earth: Scranton, Pennsylvania! And Wilmington, Delaware is not much better.
Address your position on global warming and whether or not you think it's man-made or not.
We don't know if this climate change hoozie-what's-it is man-made or if it's just a natural part of the End of Days.
But I'm not gonna talk about that, I would like to talk about taxes, because, with Barack Obama, you're gonna be paying higher taxes.
But not with me and my fellow maverick.
We are not afraid to get maverick-y in there and ruffle feathers and not got to allow that.
And, also, too, the great Ronald Reagan.
The next question is for you, Senator Biden.
Do you support, as they do in Alaska, granting same-sex benefits to couples? I do.
In an Obama-Biden administration, same-sex couples would be guaranteed the same property rights, rights to insurance, and rights of ownership as heterosexual couples.
There will be no distinction.
I repeat, no distinction.
So, to clarify, do you support gay marriage? Absolutely not.
But I do think they should be allowed to visit one another in the hospital.
And, in a lot of ways, that's just as good, if not better.
Would you extend same-sex rights to the entire country? You know, I would be afraid of where that would lead.
I believe marriage is meant to be a sacred institution between two unwilling teenagers.
But don't think I don't tolerate gay people.
Because I do.
I tolerate them with all my heart.
And I know quite a few, too.
Not personally.
But I know of them.
I've seen Ellen.
And there was this one girl on my college basketball team.
She wasn't officially "a gay", but, you know, we were pretty sure.
What is your position on Healthcare regulation? I'm gonna ignore that question and instead talk about Israel.
I love Israel so much.
Bless its heart.
There's a special place for Israel in heaven.
And I know some people are going to say that I'm only saying that to pander to Florida voters, but, from a very young age, my two greatest loves were always Jews and Cuban food.
I would now like to give each of you a chance to make a closing statement.
Are we not doing the talent portion? Sen.
Biden, your closing statement? My goal tonight was a simple one.
To come up here and at no point seem like a condescending, egomaniacal bully.
And I'm gonna be honest, I think I nailed it.
Sure, there were moments when I wanted to say, "This lady is a dummy!" But I didn't! Because Joe Biden is better than that.
I repeat: Joe Biden is better than that.
So to all of the pundits who said I would seem cocky or arrogant you dopes got schooled, Biden-style! I liked to be in here tonight, answering these tough questions without the filter of the mainstream gotcha media with their "follow-up questions", "fact-checking", or incessant need to figure out what your words mean and why ya put them in that order.
I'm happy to be speaking directly to the American people to let them know if you want an outsider who doesn't like politics as usual or pronouncin' the "g" and the end of the words she's sayin', I think you know who to vote for.
And for those Joe Six-packs out there playing a drinking game at home: maverick.
This concludes tonight's debate.
The book drops November 4th, and Live from New York, it's Saturday Night! S.
34 Ep.
04 - 04 Oct.
2008 Anne Hathaway / The Killers Thank you, thank you, thank you! It is great to be here hosting Saturday Night Live! I just had a busy summer.
I did some traveling I've got a new movie out, called Rachel Getting Married.
Also, I broke up with my Italian boyfriend, and, two weeks later, he was sent to prison for fraud.
I mean, we've all been there Am I right, ladies? So, the experience made me feel pretty gullible, and I was ready to swear off dating.
But then I find an amazing new guy.
I feel almost embarrassed to say this, but We met on the Internet.
I usually don't read letters from strangers, but How often do you get e-mail from a Nigerian prince? And he is such a sweetheart.
And, not that it matters, but he is pretty wealthy.
And he wants to know everything about me.
He asked about my family, my friends, and, just yesterday, he asked what my Social Security number was.
How sweet is that! Now, I know what you're all thinking: "Why is Anne Hathaway so "lucky?" I don't know! And yesterday was our one-month anniversary, and I know it's sappy, but, I sent him something I knew he'd love: a mix CD, and $100,000! I feel pretty good about us.
And, who knows, maybe someday you'll be hearing, "And the Oscar goes to me, Princess Oko-Ba-E-Tete.
" We have a great show for you tonight.
The Killers are here! Stick around, we'll be right back! PBS now returns to another mildly enjoyable moment from the Lawrence Welk Show.
Thank you, thank you.
I am sorry to say we have come to that time again, time to say goodnight.
I want to thank all our wonderful guests tonight.
We've enjoyed the beautiful harmonies of the lovely Lennon Sisters, Joe Finni and Guy Holy, the deep baratone of Larry Hooper, the very nice and entertaining accordion sounds of Myron Florin, and the high kicking quick steps of Bobby and Cissy.
Bobby, when are you gonna ask Cissy to marry you? She's ready.
Now, to take us out is a sister act from the Finger Lakes making their wonderful Lawrence Welk Show debut.
Please welcome the Meryl Sisters.
And a one, and a two Sisters do as sisters should We're all together, sisters I'm Janice I'm Holly I'm Nora And I'm Denise Sisters always stick together Even when they fall in love Like with my boyfriend With my husband With my fiancee With my by myself Even though we're a lot alike We enjoy different things I like waterfalls I like butterflies I like rainbows I like chasing cars We've enjoyed our time with you But now we have to run Goodnight Sweet dreams Sleep tight I found a dead cat on the side of the road So I took it home and put some honey on it And I cooked it and then I ate it Is that bad? Denise! Shut up! Thank you, thank you.
Wonderful.
Was her forehead really big, or was I looking through a couple of bubbles? Thank you to our sponsors, Mammouth automobiles, and Clorox facial soap.
Goodnight, and keep the song in your heart.
Next on C-Span: President Bush, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, and Congressman Barney Frank appeared earlier today at a joint press conference to comment on the financial bailout measure just passed by Congress.
Good afternoon.
On Friday, this Congress was able to put aside its differences and come together in a bipartisan spirit to pass legislation that was absolutely vital to ensure world confidence in our financial markets and to prevent a collapse in credit.
Which would have had a catastrophic effect on our economy.
Approving this bill was the right thing to do and I commend our legislators for their actions.
Speaker Pelosi? Thank you, Mr.
President.
I, too, applaud Congress for its vote, and add that, without your help, this bill might well have failed.
Even though this financial crisis was 100% the fault of your administration and it's insane economic policies, and, though I'm sure you'll agree, you will go down in history as our worst president ever.
This one time, you did manage somehow to not screw things up, and I want to acknowledge that.
Thank you, Madam Speaker.
I was glad to do it! Let me add, Mr.
President I was also pleased to see that, for the 1st time in your 8 years in office, and, possibly, your entire life, you were able to demonstrate leadership, not to mention simple human decency.
You bet.
You bet.
Let's not forget, Mr.
President, that it was the Democrats who first sounded the alarm about the risky mortgage loans that Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac were encouraging, and that your party resisted all our efforts to reign them in.
Wait! Wasn't it my administration that warned about the problem 6 years ago? And it was the democrats who refused to listen? Who told you that? That's crazy! It's completely the other way around! Actually, this time he's sort of right.
Don't say anything, he doesn't know.
There was another point we wanted to make here, and, - President, you are welcome to stay.
- Thank you, I'd like that.
Back there would be better.
No problem! In the past few weeks, this debate has focused on the wisdom of government intervention in the housing markets.
What hasn't been talked about is that, behind every home foreclosure, there is a story of real suffering by real Americans.
People who, but for the grace of God, could be you or your neighbors.
And, today, we'd like to introduce you to some of them.
Michael McCune and Jerome Gant, two ordinary Americans whose only crime was to play by the rules, and who now find themselves facing eviction from their homes.
Please tell us your story.
To start, I still don't understand how this happened to me.
I fit all the requirements for a subprime mortgage.
- No credit history - Same here.
- No job.
- Me, neither.
- Minor criminal record - Dit-to.
- Dishonorable discharge from the Army.
- I got mine right here.
- Drug problems.
- Me, too.
- Alcohol problems.
- Guilty as charged.
- Gambling addiction.
- Yeah.
Pregnant girlfriend.
Actually, two pregnant girlfriends.
Just the one.
Anyway, I was talked into a "balloon mortgage", where you move into the house, and then you get to live in it, and you don't have to pay money or anything to the bank, but then, later, you do! What up with that? You could say I'm a double-victim, since I've never had a job, and now I don't have a home! I'm a triple-victim, 'cause I've also been charged with arson, for allegedly setting fire to the house they evicted me from.
You are both in our thoughts.
- Thank you.
- That's nice.
This is Greg Phillips and his wife Judy.
How did the housing market collapse affect you? My wife and I bought two dozen timeshare condos, which we heavily mortgaged in order to flip them 6 months later for triple the purchase price, and then the real estate market tanked.
- And you were doing this through - Misrepresentation.
I meant, did you do this out of your home, or - Out of greed.
- Yes, out of greed.
And then, now, with the real estate market down, you're stuck with two dozen timeshare condos that you can't sell? Unless we sold them for, like, 10% more than we paid.
So, you can't make your mortgage payment? Not without selling the boat or putting off essential cosmetic surgery.
And, who is this? This is Crystal, our surrogate mother.
You see I can't have children without getting bad stretch marks.
You are also in our thoughts and prayers.
This is Herbert and Marion Sandler.
Tell us your story.
My wife and I had a company which aggressively marketed subprime mortgages, and then bundled them as securities to sell to banks such as Wachovia.
Today, our portfolio's worth almost nothing, though, at one point, it was worth close to $19 billion.
My God, I am so sorry! Were you able to sell it for anything? Yes! For $24 billion! So, in that sense, you're not here to speak as actual victims? That would be Wachovia Bank! Actually, we've done quite well.
We're very happy! We were sort of wondering why you asked us to come today.
Anyway, it's delightful to see you, Nancy! And thank you, Congressman Frank, as well as many Republicans, for helping block congressional oversight of our corrupt activities.
Not at all! But let me say something else here: many of you are probably wondering "Where did that $700 billion missing "from our economy go?" And to help answer that, let me introduce our good friend, billionaire Head Funds manager, George Soros.
So, what became of that $700 billion? Basically, it belongs to me now! Actually, it's not even dollars anymore, but Swiss francs, since I have taken a short position against the dollar.
Really? That's not good.
You're not to speak.
I don't like you.
The U.
S.
$ will have to be devalued sometime next week, either Tuesday or Wednesday.
I haven't decided which yet, it would depend on how I feel.
Thank you very much, Mr.
Soros.
You're a great man.
Could I just add that, even though you know what's coming, you won't be able to do anything about it.
You're a wise man, Mr.
Soros, and a powerful one.
You are better than us! Your wife is physically attractive.
Sell her to me, please.
Sure.
We will now leave this press conference and join a discussion of Sen.
McCain's foreign policy positions already in progress, where Gov.
Palin is about to say something embarrassing.
Here's not to going home with you guys tonight? I drink to that.
Tonight's the night! We've been here for like two hours and we still haven't met any women! That's because we're not talking to any.
How about those 3 ladies? I don't know, they've been rolling their eyes at us for the past 30 min.
You know what? I'm gonna break the ice, show you how it's done! I'm gonna do it the "Firm & Jelly" way! When's the last time you smelled Michael Jordan's cologne? Bust it! Bust it! You are so many kinds of wrong right now.
- How did it go? - Not good! Confidence! Ladies like confidence! - Go show'em, Gary! - I'm not going, my self-esteem is at an all-time low ever since I slipped and fell on the dance floor.
That's it.
I'll do it! - I think he's ready.
- All right, remember: - be confident! - You want some tips, man? No, I'm good! - Thanks! - Thank you.
- That was fun.
- That was really fun.
- Your friends are kind of idiots.
- I just hang out with them it makes me look awesome.
- You want to get out of here? - Yeah.
Really? - I'm kidding! - I knew that.
That's our boy! Hey guys, let's dance! Here are tonight's top stories.
The highly anticipated Vice Presidential Debate between Joe Biden and Sarah Palin was held Thursday night and the big winner was whoever you already liked.
During an interview with Katie Couric Tuesday, Sarah Palin said she is not opposed to gay people, adding, "One of my absolute best friends for the last 30 years "happens to be gay and I love her dearly and she doesn't exist.
" O.
J.
Simpson was found guilty Friday on charges of armed robbery, assault and kidnapping but really, murder.
A man in Florida rescued his dog from a shark attack by jumping into the water and punching the shark.
Just think, that dog would be dead today if that man had been a little less drunk.
After a 2 year overhaul, the World War II aircraft carrier "Intrepid" finally arrived back at its dock on Manhattan's west side Thursday, where it was immediately attacked and sunk by Japanese kamikazes.
Panasonic this week unveiled a 150 inch flat-screen TV.
Just in time for no one to afford it.
Good news, everybody.
That house you couldn't pay for? You're paying for it! The House on Friday passed the 700 billion $ Wall Street bailout package.
President Bush then signed the bill into law after consulting with his economic advisors: M.
C.
Hammer, Ed McMahon and Willie Nelson.
Here now, with an analysis of Friday's House vote is Weekend Update Financial Expert, Orville Willis Forte the Fourth.
Thank you Amy, thank you Seth.
Friday's vote on the Bailout Package passed by a margin of 263 to 171.
But that doesn't tell the whole story.
In order to truly understand Friday's events, we need to know who voted how and why.
And I think this song might just explain that.
When Friday's tally was finally counted And that was all she wrote People asked "How did that pass?" "And how did everybody vote?" Jo Bonner, Republican, Yay Terry Everett, Republican, Yay Mike Rogers, Republican, Yay Robert Aderholt, Republican, Nay Bud Cramer, Democrat, Yay Spencer Bachus, Republican, Yay Artur Davis, Democrat, Yay Don Young, Republican, Nay Rick Renzi, Republican, Nay Trent Franks, Republican, Nay John Shadegg, Republican, Yay Ed Pastor, Democrat, Yay Harry Mitchell, Democrat, Yay Jeff Flake, Republican, Nay Mary Landrieu, Democrat, Nay Gabrielle Giffords, Democrat, Yay So that's the 1st sixteen just to get an idea With only 522 left to go So sit back and relax as I go to the rest I think you gonna really enjoy the show Vic Snyder, Democrat, Yay John Boozman, Republican, Yay Mike Ross, Democrat, Yay - Mike Thompson, Democrat, Yay - I'm sorry Will.
Can I just interrupt you for a second? Sure Amy, in fact in a lot of cultures it's polite to interrupt someone when they are singing a song.
We, of course, don't live in one of those cultures but as a courtesy I will assume you were raised in a separate culture from ours, so that you aren't aware of how very, very, very, rude you just were.
Now, what's your question? I'm just a little worried about how long this song might take.
Let me explain to you how Democracy works, as I now know you're not from America but rather some strange backwards country where friends interrupt friends while they're singing.
In America, every citizen is in a District.
And each District as its own representative You know what? Just sing your song.
Thank you.
But don't you dare interrupt me again, Amy Poehler.
From the top! When Friday's tally was finally counted And that was all she wrote People asked "How did that pass?" "And how did everybody vote?" Jo Bonner, Republican, Yay Terry Everett, Republican, Yay Mike Rogers, Republican, Nay Wait! I mean "Yay"! Wait! From the top! When Friday's tally was finally Orville Willis Forte the Fourth everybody! Get out of here! Three Chinese astronauts returned safely to Earth this week after a 68-hour voyage in which they performed an historic spacewalk.
Which was all the more impressive because they did it as a Dragon.
Bruce Springsteen and the E-Street Band will perform at the 2009 Super Bowl halftime show in Tampa, Florida.
Let's just hope this doesn't lead to a wardrobe malfunction revealing Little Steven's "little steven".
Customs officers at the Sao Paulo, Brazil, airport stopped a man who was trying to smuggle 200 birds onto a plane.
He might have gotten away with it, had they not been ostriches.
A 26 year-old former teacher in Nebraska, who fled to Mexico with a 13 year-old boy so she could have sex with him, was sentenced to 6 years in federal prison.
Said the teacher, "How about 12 years in juvie?" Manuel Uribe, the world's heaviest man, announced this week that he will marry his longtime girlfriend.
The couple will honeymoon wherever he currently is.
Manuel Uribe, the world's heaviest man, announced this week that he will marry his longtime girlfriend.
Of course, once he's married, you know he's just gonna let himself go.
Manuel Uribe, the world's heaviest man, announced this week that he will marry his longtime girlfriend.
They will spend their honeymoon attempting to locate his penis.
- Are you done? - I've had my fun and I'm done now.
Alright.
Well, I'm glad.
Manuel Uribe, the world's heaviest man, announced this week that he will marry his longtime girlfriend in an attempt to get cake.
- 20 dollars.
- Thank you.
An art historian believes that the meal eaten in Leonardo da Vinci's Last Supper was not bread or lamb as previously thought, but eel garnished with orange slices.
The historian will present his theory at the upcoming symposium, "Things That Don't Matter.
" Two planes scheduled to land on the Greek isle of Lesbos had to circle for half an hour because an air traffic controller overslept.
Though I'm guessing a lot of activities on the island of Lesbos involve circling for half an hour.
- I'm Seth Meyers.
- I'm Amy Poehler.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious If you say it loud enough, you'll always sound precocious Mary Poppins, that was ever so much fun.
- What a delightful new word.
- It must be the longest word - in the dictionary.
- And the silliest.
What does it mean? What? That doesn't matter.
It's just a silly-billy word.
Now, who wants to ride a magical carousel? I do! But first, please tell us what that word means.
Yes, there must be some kind of working definition.
If you must know, supercalifragilisticexpialidocious is a disease of the liver.
It's very rare and extremely painful.
Goodness! How'd you ever learn a word like that Mary Poppins? I have it.
I have the disease! Is it as fun to have as it is to say? What happens, basically, is that your liver stops producing bile.
Gradually, you lose the ability to break down acids.
And eventually your body just shuts down.
Sure is fun to sing though.
Is it contagious? But only for grown-ups.
What does that mean? How do I explain it? Sometimes when a man and a woman really fancy each other Hello everyone! Bert! Easy, children.
I've got one heck of a stomachache.
It must be your cooking.
We just learned a new word! - How delightful! - It's a disease of the liver! - Mary Poppins has it! - It's spread amongst grown-ups! Is that right? Children, would you excuse us for one moment? What they say, Mary? Do you have something? Don't worry.
You look healthy to me.
Healthy? I've got black lung from sweeping the chimneys, and now you've given me supercalifragi-whatever.
Expialidocious! Shut it! Cheer up.
It's not that bad.
Because Just a spoon full of sugar makes the medicine go down In the most delightful way Sugar.
That'll cure my disease.
Hello guys! - Constable Jones! - Don't come near me.
I'm feeling awfully sick.
Must be your cooking.
So, what's the good word.
Listen, Tommy Supercalifragi-what? Come on, I'll buy you a whiskey.
This has been a very unusual day, Mary Poppins.
I'm a very unusual nanny! I guess I'm in pretty serious denial.
Stay tuned for your local news, on Channel 3.
Sioux city's finest, and America's "Most Youtubed" news team! With lead anchor, Michael Modesto.
A local family has been left homeless A local family has been left homeless for the holidays, after Excuse me! after a fire after a fire that burned down their trail I'm sorry, it's not funny.
Would you stop! Co-anchor, Tanya Mitchell.
Up next, City Councilman Doug Parks faces bribery charges, when we return.
I told you about him, didn't I? Believe me, I have seen it! We're still on the Human Interest reporter, Melanie Moore.
I'm here with Trevor Johnson, who's planning a big, black penis A big block party! Excuse me.
Feature reporter, Christopher Smalls.
If I wanted to take the wife and kids to see some of these critters, what would I'm gay! The only local news team with over 9 million Youtube hits combined! Featuring, Sports Reporter Tom Geneveve.
The Sioux City Bandits are off to a great start this year.
They beat Billings 31 to 30 in overtime, and tomorrow they take on River City.
That figures to be a great game And meteorologist, Andrea St.
James.
Winds have reached speeds of over 80 miles an That was a close one! So many paper cuts! Special Delivery! Tune in and see why more people forward clips of this news team than any other.
Is that guy, Tino Does he still sell weed? What? Sioux City's Channel 3 news team.
Catch them tonight, or any time, on your computer.
Quick.
You've gotta see this.
And now: Mark Wahlberg Talks to Animals.
I'm Mark Wahlberg.
You guys know me.
Let's go talk to some animals.
Hey, dog.
How's it goin'? I like your fur, that looks really great.
So you're a dog, right? What's that all about? It was great to meet you.
Say hi to your mother for me, OK? Now, I'm gonna talk to a donkey.
Hey, donkey.
What's goin' on? You're a donkey, I like that.
You eat apples, right? I produce Entourage.
Talk to you later, donkey.
Now, I'm gonna talk to a chicken.
Hey, chicken.
How's it hangin'? A lot of people wanna eat you, but I just wanna talk to you, OK? We should do a film together, what do you think? I'm not joking around.
This is the real thing, this could be huge! All right, well, think about it.
Say hi to your mother for me, alright? Now, I'm gonna talk to a goat.
Hey, goat.
It's good to see you.
I like your beard.
I had a beard like that in The Perfect Storm.
Did you see that movie? Did you see The Perfect Storm, goat? Say hi to your mother for me, OK? This has been: Mark Wahlberg Talks to Animals.
That's it from the bedroom.
I can't believe I'm really moving out.
It's been an amazing five years! And I will cherish every moment! It seems like only yesterday I responded to your ad on Craigslist.
You know, I only use Craiglist to find anonymous male partners.
Who knew I'd find a best friend, too? And, if I remember correctly, a few anonymous male partners! I'm glad someone's having a good time, while I'm doing all the heavy lifting! - Sorry, Sweetie.
- Sorry, Jerome.
These are the last two.
I promise! Fine.
Say your goodbyes, but you'd better not make my man cry.
I guess this is it! I am going to miss you.
- What are you doing? - Come on, one kiss.
You're gay.
Stop! Actually, I'm not.
What? But Right! Like I'm gonna believe that.
Mister "I Know Every Single Song in A Chorus Line I Have A Boyfriend.
" Come on, look, even the way you talk.
It's not how I really talk.
- What? - It's not how I really talk.
- Oh, my God! - I know.
Busted! I know! What else have you lied about? I'm not really a hairstylist.
But you cut my hair! I got really lucky with that.
You know, I just kinda got good at it.
It's not too hard, actually.
Wait.
When we would dance and you would get erections That was not because of a disease.
I made that up.
But, according to Wikipedia, bonerplasia afflicts No, I know! I wrote that page! That's why it's so conversational in tone, and your name's in it.
But I've walked in on you having sex with - dozens of men.
- You gotta sell it.
If you're gonna lie to someone, for 5 years, you got to sell it! Oh, my God! Does Jerome know? I'm off to rehearse with my Village People cover band.
I told her I wasn't gay.
That's cool.
- I'm gonna split, dude.
- Alright, bro.
- Where are you headed off to? - Rehearse with my Village People cover band.
Good friend.
So you pretended to be gay for five years in the hopes that someday we would kiss? When you say it like that, it's not a great plan, is it? Come on! OK! Stop! Don't you get it, Amber? I mean, don't you see? Being your gay friend was I don't know, the only way I had a chance with you! And, even though, I don't know, nothing ever happened between us, and I had to sleep with somewhere between 30 or 40 dudes I regret nothing! Or maybe 30 of 40 things Kiss today goodbye The sweetness and the sorrow Wish me luck, the same to you But I can't regret What I did for love What I did for Love I don't regret anything, either! It might have been closer to 50 dudes, I think, actually Katy Perry.
This bad girl is taking America by storm with her risky odd sexual free I Kissed A Girl.
I kissed a girl and I liked it The taste of her cherry chapstick I kissed a girl just to try it I hope my boyfriend don't mind it Talk about sexual.
And just when you thought Katy Perry couldn't get any naughtier She didn't.
That's right, it's The Less Provocative Songs Of Katy Perry.
Now, fans of all ages can enjoy that timeless Katy Perry sound.
With family friendly hits like I ate a Snack.
I ate a snack and I liked it It was a Twix with peanut butter I ate a snack with my girlfriend But we didn't do any gay stuff The Less Provocative Songs Of Katy Perry.
'Cause if you take away the blunt sexual overtones, this girl still has plenty to sing about.
I saw a boat and I liked it Believe it or not, they're almost all that good.
Rolling Stone magazine says: This is the only album where you'll find such soon-to-be classics such as I Threw a Ball, I Peeled Some Fruit, I Own A Pen, and the exquisite, I Held a Cat.
I held a cat and I liked it Its fur was soft like the touch of a woman I held a cat in the shower Then I french kissed a female golfer Just ignore that last one.
The Less Provocative Songs Of Katy Perry.
Now available in stores.
Thank you, to the Killers! To Tina Fey! Queen Latifah! The Secret Life of Bees opens October 17th! Rachel Getting Married is in theaters! Thank you to the cast, to the writers, to the crew, to everyone.
Best week of my life! Thank you! Batefer, Boogawanga, So.
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